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I'm so excited, I'm decorating my house for spooky season tomorrow. Then I'm going to watch The nightmare before Christmas. Que Spooky (but not too spooky) Halloween music. 

Hello, my dears ! I hope you are well
 

Will be unavailable for ????? beginning Oct 6th.

I am BEYOND nervous right now...this has been near the forefront of my mind since the surgery was scheduled back in April or May...and I dreaded each new day as I was 1 day closer to something that TERRIFIES the ever living shit out of me!
 
I need major sinus reconstruction surgery. NORMALLY, a same day surgery....unless you have an autoimmune issue as screwed up as the one I have! I had this surgery ALMOST 22 years ago (shy by 2 or 3 months) and 5-6 hours post op, back in my hospital room, my blood O2 levels fell through the floor...I apparently was throwing people around like rag dolls, despite the fact I couldn't stand or even get out of bed.......several of the nurses were STILL mad at me 2 weeks later! I have absolutely ZERO memory of this, and THANK GOD one nurse had an idea something was wrong, checked my blood O2 levels and they had fallen into the low 70s. Intubated//in the ICU for 6 days....worse, I was awake when they pulled the tube, I was using my hands to signal as I constantly fended off their attempts to GIVE ME A PEN AND PAPER! I wanted to be knocked out...the one guy smacked me, so on a reaction, I smacked him back, only harder. Well, I was restrained to the bed, and it felt as if they pulled my lungs out of my body, which instantly resulted in me violently vomiting.....not knowing how long I had been in there, I thought I was simply throwing up...until the smell and taste told me this wasn't coming out of my stomach, I realized I was vomiting from my intestines, which made me throw up even worse!

My fever went from 99 something to 104 almost instantly, and ong after there was NOTHING LEFT to vomit, I continued to heave, BEGGING for a drink despite it being indescribably painful to breath, let alone speak! I knew I was throwing up ****!

They had to give me 2 doses of whatever to make the heaving stop, pain meds twice in 1 hour (no one really knew what was wrong with me YET, including my pain control issues or autoimmune inflation markers skyrocketing (SED rate & Ferritin) and my WBC count jumping to the ceiling.

It felt as if Mike tyson in his prime was punching me in the chest with every single breath I took, my headache was PEGGED at a 10/10 for over a week, and I wound up hospitalized for another 2 weeks and change AFTER i was out of the ICU with different nurses asking me if I remember doing this, throwing that...NO! ZERO recollection. The surgeon blamed it on anesthesia, but I had FINALLY found a REAL Rheumatologist who told me this had NOTHING to do with surgery, my autoimmune inflation caused my throat to swell almost closed, which happened more than a few times in the 1st couple of years/surgeries (and sometimes with just a flare/no surgery) with me being rushed to the hospital......
 
I CAN'T get those memories to go away! I woke up in a cold sweat FREQUENTLY for over a year afterwards, as if I was reliving them ripping that tube out of me! The PAIN is kind of "normal" now, and my ENT spoke with the 3 Dr's who I NEEDED him to speak to and he assured me after speaking to them, IF I wind up intubated, he will have me put under before they remove the tube and that him seeing the results of my test showing I'm missing the majority of pain med receptors in my brain, scoring "off the charts" as a "HYPER METABOLIZER" and all of my Dr's assuring him it must be seen to be believed, I've been assured pain control will not be an issue and THANK GOD as I had 2 surgeries where it was (until they FINALLY spoke to my PCP, once after almost 40 hours of me SCREAMING at God to just F****** kill me already!) and ONLY THEN took me seriously and treated me according to what my PCP's instructions were....which infuriated me as they HAD THOSE INSTRUCTIONS *BEFORE* the surgeries!!!

So, any of you into praying? Please add me to your list. Much appreciated.

I am mentally useless right now.

It’s so full that it’s diapers are almost bursting 

I just wanted to take a moment to thank you all for allowing me to share my little stories with you. They’re really just tiny glimpses into who I am, my imagination, my heart, and what I hope to one day find in a little. Right now, I don’t have a little in my life, but I’m hopeful that someday I’ll find the little who is meant to be part of my world. Until then, I’ll keep writing, dreaming, and sharing these little adventures with all of you.