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Hi I’m a little based in West London so not too far. Like to chat

Maybe the epilogue would take this to the final destination Christina and both Moms have taken pills to induce lactation and are only breastfeeding the two of them. Not sure about them speaking baby talk to each other only though.

Chapter 10: Public diapers It didn't take very long for Nick to fully accept and adapt to his new full-time diapered life. All hope of ever becoming potty trained again had vanished so every urge he had went straight into his diaper. In the days that followed, he really began to notice that his reliance on diapers was starting to affect his body. After he had started wetting the bed, his daytime continence had only gotten worse, but up until now he was at least able to hold his pee most of the time, even if only for a few minutes. Two days after his public accident he had his first alarming experience. He was sitting on the couch and playing games as usual when he decided to get something to drink. When he stood up, he felt a surprisingly large stream of pee squirt into his diaper. He grabbed the front of his diaper out of surprise before he remembered what he was wearing. Then his brain processed what had just happened. I just had an accident, Nick said to himself in disbelief. And not just a "I couldn't make it to the toilet" type of accident, but an actual "I just wet myself out of nowhere" type. If I hadn't been wearing this diaper, my underwear would have been soaked, Nick thought to himself. He thought about what this meant for a minute, his bladder had gotten so weak that it wasn't able to hold his pee when he stood up. Nick felt a bit conflicted about it, on one hand, he just had his first genuine accident, which was a major step in becoming diaper dependent. The chances of ever going back to regular underwear were growing smaller by the day. But on the other hand, he already knew this was gonna happen eventually, and as he was already wearing diapers anyways, did it matter that he had a real accident. After that, it became more and more common for him to suddenly feel a squirt of pee escape into his diaper. It happened when he got out of bed, when he sat down at the table, when he stood up, when he bent over, when he stretched, when he masturbated and even when he laughed or got jumpscared. It didn't take long for Jane to figure out what was happening. When suddenly wetting himself was still new to Nick, he had the habit of grabbing his crotch in surprise. This almost immediately got him caught. He had spent another long morning in diapers when Jane decided to change him. He laid down on the couch and tried to relax as his mom ripped off the tapes of his diapers and folded it open. Nick had to really hold his bladder while his mom cleaned him up, the last thing he wanted was to pee now that there wasn't a diaper taped on to catch it. At first he really had to try and hold it, but soon the urge faded and Nick was able to relax a little. Not long after that Jane finished up and taped his new diaper shut. By then he had already forgotten about his bladder, but as soon as he stood up a decently large stream escaped into his diaper. Causing him to put his hand against the front of the diaper as if that would stop it. It was all Jane needed.  Did you already have an accident? I literally put that diaper on you ten seconds ago. I'm sorry, I didn't mean too, it just came out. Wait, so you had an actual accident. Just a small one, Nick said defensefly. Maybe so, but if you had been wearing normal underwear there would now be a dark patch on it, maybe even a puddle on the floor. Nick had nothing more to say. Hey, I'm not mad at you, Jane said with a soothing tone, this is the whole reason you are in diapers. It's just good to know you are having them, I want to be aware of the state of your bladder, to make sure nothing out of the ordinary is happening. Very funny, Nick replied. Even though the accidents were still relatively small, it was another reminder that he was probably never going to wear normal underwear again. That was a motivator for Nick to get out of the house more often. Jane had been right, just because he was wearing diapers didn't mean he had to hide away in his home for the rest of his life. Part of dealing with incontinence and diapers was learning to implement them in his day to day life, both inside and outside. So that is exactly what he did, though he still wasn't thrilled about it. He decided to start off simple. One evening, the summer air was cooling off and the sun was waving goodbye with it's last rays of sunlight peeking out above the distant trees. That's when he waddled over to his room, pulled his pants over his bulging wet diaper, put on a jacket that covered enough to make him feel safe, said goodbye to Jane and went for a stroll around the block. Nick's heart was pounding in his chest. His waddle felt even more obvious than usual. Every crinkle, whether it was from his jacket or his diaper, seemed to pierce straight through the music he had put on to distract himself, making it very hard to think about anything other that the wet bulk between his legs. He turned of his music, it might be better to hear others coming so he could mentally prepare himself. The neighborhood was dead quiet however, every time he turned a corner he was expecting to bump into someone, but he didn't. Part of him was glad, but it also made him feel dissatisfied, and even a bit lonely. As much as he didn't want anyone to see this side of himself, he did miss being amongst other people. All the lights shining from behind the closed curtains reminded him off all the people living theuir regular lives, completely unaware that there was currently a boy in a full diaper walking past their house. And if they did know, would they even care? That question made him even more sad, it hit him like a ton of bricks that there was almost nobody on this planet that cared about him being in diapers or how scared he was being outside in one of them. Thankfully there was at least one person that cared.  Even though Nick was only 15 minutes away from her, he had rarely wanted to be his mom this badly. At the next junction he turned left and walked straight home. Nick spent the rest of the night curled up on the couch like a cat, the soaked diaper squished between his legs. He wondered how he would ever be able to take care of himself if a small evening stroll already had this effect on him. He continued going out nonetheless and with each time became more and more comfortable. He was still very much aware of the diaper he was wearing, but he felt less self conscious about it. By now, he viewed himself as practically diaper dependent, which was embarrassing of course, but it also made it easier to accept himself. He didn't have a choice in wearing diapers anymore, so why would he feel embarrassed about it. He became more and more confident as he walked around the neighborhood. He had checked his diapered ass in the mirror so many times that he was fully convinced no one could see it. And even if they could, they would think that he needed diapers, and they would be right, and what they would about him after that wasn't within his control. So why worry about it. He started going outside during daytime as well, and since it was still summer, he had no excuse to cover his diaper butt. All he could do was wear baggy jeans and long shirts to make sure nobody saw what was underneath it. At first he carefully monitored the way people looked at him, every glance, expression or movement made him nervous. But after a while he realized that people just acted like normal, everyone glances, makes expressions and moves. Nobody saw his diaper, and if they did, they didn't seem to act diffrently because of it. As he became more confident he started walking around more confidently, wich only made it less obvious that he was wearing a diaper. That didn't mean everything went smoothly. He was becoming incontinent after all, which meant he didn't always have control over what his body did, or when, or where, wich resulted in some internal embarrassement. Especially when he was still getting used to it. Once a very large gush of pee escaped into his diaper just as he was passing by an elderly couple. He immediately looked down at his crotch in shock, though he was able to keep his hands under control. Still, it must have been very obvious for them that something unexpected had happened, and also where it had happend. Nick got beet red but couldn't rush home because that was in the direction where they were headed. So instead he walked around a bit longer, constantly reminded what he had done because of the damp feeling coming from his diaper area. But wetting himself in public soon became just as normal as wetting himself at home. He didn't react at all when small spurts of pee escaped into his diaper. He even started having full-on wetting accidents in public. That did take some getting used to. The first time he felt the signal that he was about to fully wet his diaper, all he could do was panic. He knew he was too far away from home to make it back, so his next best option was to find a somewhat private spot to wet his diaper. But finding a place like that in endless suburbia wasn't an easy task, after walking around for a minute, he was already doing the potty dance. Nick realised that he probably looked more like a baby this way than if he actually just peed in his diaper right now. So he stopped struggling, kept walking and pretended to look at the pavement as he released the flood gates and felt his diaper swell up underneath his clothing.  It had taken a while to become able to wet himself while walking, but now he was glad he could. Apparently he needed to go very badly because the stream just kept on going which left little room for speculation about what was happening. All while a mother with her baby were quickly approaching. Just as the got within hearing distance, the stream started slowing down. He was still wetting himself as they went by, but it wasn't as noticable. He couldn't help but look back at the baby, realizing that the baby would probably sooner be out of diapers than him. Once they were gone, Nick let out a relieved sigh. But when he looked down to inspect the damage, he couldn't escape the fact that he had a very obvious diaper bulge. He found it hard to believe the mother had missed it. But Nick quickly realized that he didn't really care if some random woman saw him wearing diapers. What were they gonna do about it. After making these little trips for about a week and a half, Nick had become completely comfortable with being outside in diapers. He was no longer afraid of people seeing what he wearing underneath his regular clothes. Nick didn't even care if he wet himself in public. His carefree attitude towards wearing diapers in public didn't go unnoticed by Jane. She was glad her son finally snapped out of his temporary self-isolation phase and started acting like someone his age again by going outside every once in a while. Jane could feel the worry about her son's future fade away. Still, a walk around the block every few days was only the beginning. She decided it would be a good idea to support him in getting more comfortable being publicly diapered. Nick woke up a little earlier than usual today. It was only 9:10 a.m, though diaper was soaked nonetheless, Nick didn't know for sure, but it seemed like his diaper was wetter and wetter each time he woke up. Normally he would easily be able to wet himself twice more once he woke up, but now Nick wasn't even sure if his diaper could handle one more wetting, even with a booster in it. Granted, he did drink a lot of water, but still, these diapers were designed for heavy bedwetters like him, did he really pee that much in his sleep? It would probably have to hold another accident however, because Nick knew the chances of getting to Jane before wetting himself were low to put it lightly.  As he got out of bed he already felt a large spurt make it's way into his diaper, but he was used to it by now so he continued making his way down the stairs. With each step he felt the pressure on his bladder increase, he decided to try and hold it until he was seated at the table, just to see if he still could. He was able to make his way down the stairs but once he opened the living room door he lost control and felt a stream of pee flow into his diaper, he stayed still in the door opening for a few moments to finish peeing, because the chance of leaking was lower when he wasn't moving. Thankfully the diaper was able to hold it all, but now it was at maximum capacity. Both the front and back of the diaper were a dark shade of yellow and Nick's legs were forced apart by the sheer bulk of the diaper. When he looked up he saw Jane giving him a curious glance. That diaper looks really full, she remarked, do you need a change? Normally Nick would have waited until after breakfast, but he wasn't sure his diaper would last that long. Yeah, that's probably a good idea. Stay here, I'll grab the supplies, Jane said. Nick stood in the middle of living, not sure how to feel. Part of him really enjoyed how helpless he was feeling, not even making it past breakfast before needing a diaper change was a new milestone. Nick could only imagine how all of this would play out if he wasn't wearing a diaper. I'm really diaper dependent, he thought to himself. He didn't really feel diaper dependent, he still felt it when he needed to pee and actively chose to wet his diaper, but he also recognised that he didn't actually have that much of a choice anymore.  Jane returned with multiple diapers in her hand as well as extra packages of all his changing supplies. What are those for, he asked. For later, she replied, I just want to have an extra stash of supplies in the living room so I don't have to go to your room every time you need a change. It's not that often, Nick replied, thinking his mom was over-exaggerating. Nick, I changed your diaper four times yesterday, I know it's easy to lose count since you don't have to worry about it, but I don't. So I'm gonna put these diapers over here and safe myself some hassle if you don't mind. Nick did in fact not mind, as long as his diapers weren't visible for the occasional visitors, he didn't care where Jane put them. Nick laid down on the floor, feeling the thick padding squish underneath his rear. He was more than ready for a change. Jane sat down to change him, but before she started she thuroughly inspected his diaper. She ran her hand across the front and even asked Nick lay on his belly so she could inspect the back. That diaper is really really full, if you had wet a little more, you might have leaked. I know, Nick said, wasn't that why she was changing him? I don't think you get my point. No, I don't, he agreed. What I'm trying to say is that these diaper might not be enough to keep you dry anymore. That's when Nick started to realise where this was going. Are you suggesting I should wear even bigger diapers? He asked, not even trying to hide the excitement in his voice. Yeah, I think it has come to that, Jane said, though she didn't sound as thrilled about it. What did you have in mind? I'm not sure to be honest. But I need run some errands today, so I was thinking we could give the nearest pharmacy a visit, I'm sure they can help us. We? Nick asked a little surprised. Yeah, you're the one that has to wear them, so I think you should be the one to decide which ones to wear. Nick knew by her voice that there was no point in arguing, even though he wasn't sure if he was ready for this. I was thinking we could go after you finish breakfast, there will be less people in the morning. But first, let's get you out of this diaper. Once Nick was changed he started devouring his breakfast. Normally he was a pretty slow eater, but the excitement of getting thicker diapers gave him a speed boost. Only halfway through breakfast did he realise what he was about to do. Not only was he going to a shopping mall in a diaper, they were going to buy new ones right then and there. Nick remembered the last time they did that, he still vividly remembered the embarrassment of buying pull-ups. Now he would be buying thick adult diapers, while currently wearing one. Nick became overwhelmed by the prospect and his eating pace grinded to a halt. After 20 minutes he was still sitting there when Jane checked up on him. Nick, I have a lot of things on my to do list for today, I don't want to waste my whole morning because you're too scared to go outside. But... Nick stammered, but Jane cut him off as usual. Yeah, I know it's scary and humiliating to buy diapers, but you have to remember that you actually need them. You are not lying to anyone when you tell them that, and nobody has to know why you need them. I know that it doesn't become any less humiliating, but I'm afraid you'll have to get used to that. I know we can also order online, but it will be a valuable experience to buy them in person. You'll see that nobody cares about this teenage boy being in diapers, they'll correctly assume you have a medical condition and move on with their lives. This is what wearing diapers means, you won't be able to hide it forever, so you are going to do this and not chicken out. It's time you take responsibility for your actions and learn to take care of yourself. Nick let out a sigh which contained dread, irritation and surrender. He made his way upstairs to brush his teeth and get dressed. While brushing his teeth, he noticed his crotch felt warm. When he looked at his diaper in the mirror, he saw there was already a yellow stain at the bottom. Already? I've only been wearing it for thirty minutes. It wasn't even the fact that his diaper was already wet that scared him, it was the fact that he had no idea when it happened. I was probably just distracted by moms speech, he thought to himself, but that still meant he had wet himself without even noticing. It slowly dawned on him what this meant. He was officially incontinent. I'm incontinent, he said out loud. It took a minute for him to register that fact, but then it hit like a freight train. He noticed his belly tightening up and he started to hyperventilate. It's okay, he told himself. I'm in a diaper, it doesn't matter that I have accidents. In fact, people expect me to have them, you're wearing a diaper for a reason after all. Nick noticed that saying this to himself had a calming effect, so he repeated it. I'm wearing a diaper. I'm wearing a diaper. I'm wearing a diaper because I need them and that's okay. Of course he immediately got the urge to pee. Should I hold it, Nick wondered? Nah, I'm wearing a diaper, there is no point in holding it. He realeased and felt a small stream make it's way into his diaper. I'm going to make it through this, Nick told himself. One diaper at a time. After his peptalk, Nick quickly got dressed. He still did a double check to see if his diaper bulge was visible under his pants. He concluded that it was not visible, even when knowing that it was there. He walked down the stairs with a slight waddle and hopped in the car. It was about a 15 minute drive, which he usually enjoyed. And although the first few minutes were nice, his mood shifted very drastically when he suddenly felt a slight urge to poop. Shit, he muttered to himself under his breath. Did you say something? Jane asked. Nick quickly said no. He wasn't sure what to do. Even though he had gotten a little more comfortable with being diapered in public, Nick was not ready to poop himself out in the open yet. He had two choices. He could ask his mom to turn around so he could do his business at home and be changed right after, or he could try to hold it. Nick quickly realized that neither of them was going to happen. Jane had already said she was busy today, no way she would waste half an hour just so he could poop at home. She'd probably just tell him that he was wearing a diaper and that he should just use it. "Because that's what diapers are for", he could already hear her say it. Normally that phrase excited him, the notion that he was in diapers for a reason and that he should just wet himself like a baby made him feel so helpless. But right now he didn't want to feel helpless, he wanted to be in control of where he messed himself. I'm not anymore though, he thought to himself. I'm in diapers because of my accidents, meaning I'm no longer able to control where I wet himself. A messy accident was completely diffrent however, he couldn't even imagine what it would be like to suddenly fill up his diaper without any control over it. He decided not to think about it, now was not the time to panic. He thought about his other option, holding it might have been an option if they were about to head home, but they had only just left and would probably be away for the next 2 hours. No way he would be able to hold it for that long. That's when a third option popped up in his head, he could just ask Jane to use a public bathroom. She would probably okay with it since it meant not having to change his poopy diaper. Yeah, I might just do that, he thought to himself before remembering what the public bathrooms were like there over at the mall. They were absolutely disgusting. Nick had only ever used them for peeing, which meant he didn't have to touch anything. But going number two made that a lot harder. Even thinking about them made him feel disgusting. Maybe just doing it in his diaper was the better option after all. As the drive continued, Nick could feel the pressure on his bowels increasing. It wasn't anywhere near emergency levels yet, but he felt it growing by the minute. He spent the rest of the car ride looking out the window, trying to distract himself from what was about to happen. He kind off wanted to do it in the car, just to get it over with, but he was unable to get himself to do it. They arrived way sooner than he would have liked. Jane quickly got out of the car, but Nick took a deep breath to prepare himself for what was about yo happen. I'm gonna have a messy accident in public, he almost couldn't believe it. Are you coming? Jane asked impatiently. I'm coming, he replied, and got out of the car. There were a few things they needed to get: groceries, a new phone case for Jane and of course diapers.  They decided to get the groceries first and bring those back to the car before continuing, not because it was the most practical but because Jane wanted to get it over with. Together they walked into the store and started gathering the things they needed. Nick had thought this would be a quick one, get in, grab some stuff and get out. He was wrong, Jane needed to get a lot more than a few things. They went from one isle to the other, and with each one Nick's desperation became larger. At first he just had to clamp his buttcheeks together, but as they went on he also started to press his legs closer together. He had hoped to keep it in until they at least got all the grocies and were back at the car, he would at least have some privacy there. But as they went on, Nick knew he wouldn't make it at this pace however, the terrifying realization crept over him that he was about to fully fill up his diaper in the middle of the store. Even his nightmares were usually better than this. He hadn't even been paying attention to his bladder, so it came as a bit of a surprise when he suddenly felt himself wetting his diaper. Thankfully he didn't grab his crotch out of schock. The sudden wetting had caught him off guard however, and he almost felt himself losing control over his bowels. The only way to prevent himself from filling his diaper right then and there was by doing the potty dance. That bought him a little bit of time to look around and think. He was sure his mom would have a snarky remark about him acting like an un-potty trained toddler, but when he looked around Jane was nowhere to be found, in fact, he was all on his own in the isle. The first thought Nick had was "thank god nobody saw that", but he quickly realised that now might be a good moment to do his business. In a matter of seconds, his heart rate seemed to double and all the air seemed to get sucked out of his throat. Don't think about it too much, he told himself. You've wet your diaper in public countless times and everything was fine. Pooping is no different. Just bent over a little and relax, my body will take care of the rest. This is why I'm in diapers, to take care of all my accidents, even messy ones. Before I know it, there will be a nice warm load in the back of my diaper and all the unpleasant feelings in my tummy will be gone. Everything will stay in the diaper, and nodoby will see and nobody will know. Okay, here we go, I can do this. He bent over slightly and pretended to look at some soup. He spread his legs apart slightly and relaxed. From there, his body did in fact take care of everything in one smooth motion. He only had to push a little before the load slipped into the seat of his diaper in a matter of seconds. It started to sag havely but did contain the mess. Nick let out a soft sigh of relief, that felt a lot better. Only when he got up did he notice the two other people in the isle, but they were minding their own business and seemed oblivious to the fact that this 18 year old had just messed his diaper. Nick decided that their was no reason to linger here and started searching for his mom. But by doing this he was faced with yet another problem, the full diaper made it impossible to walk normally. It also seemed to be louder, and although he couldn't see it himself, he got the impression his diaper bulge was also a lot more obvious. Nick was almost certain people would notice, and there was nothing he could do about it. He waddled over to his mother who was looking at cornflakes. She asked him to grab some milk without even looking up. Nick was a little surprised, did she really not notice that he had a full diaper. He didn't really want to admit it while there were other people around, so all he could do was waddle away. It felt very odd to walk around in public in a messy diaper. With every step he felt the load spread further. He sniffed almost every 10 seconds to make sure the smell wasn't noticable, but as far as he could tell it wasn't. The weirdest part however was that he wasn't really bothered by any of it, I mean sure, it was embarrassing and a little uncomfortable walking around with a mess between your legs, but it wasn't that bad. He knew there was nothing he could do about it, so why worry? This is what it's like to be dependent on diapers, everything just comes out and the diaper takes care of it. All he could do was enjoy the freedom of never having to worry about the toilet again as the last bits of control slipped away. Nick felt almost peaceful. Though he wasn't sure how long that feeling would last, because there was no way Jane would keep him in this full diaper for the rest of their shopping trip. What had been his worst fear a few weeks ago was about to become reality. By the time he returned, it felt like the mess was everywhere. Only then did Jane finally notice what had happened. She sniffed the air once, than twice, his heart skipped a beat, was his mess that noticable? Jane looked at him, and noticed his legs were a little further apart than usual, and a faint blush appeared on his cheeks. Did you seriously just have a messy accident, Jane whispered in his ear, which send shudders through his whole body. The combination of disbelief and dissapointment made him feel like a toddler who just had an accident even though he was supposed to be out of diapers by now, which wasn't far from the truth. Yes, he whispered back. Jane let out an audible sigh. Well, I guess that's what I get for putting son back in diapers. This time she wasn't as quiet, and Nick feared that half the store had heard it, even though nobody reacted to her statement. I didn't bring a spare diaper, Jane continued, so we'll need to buy you some new ones before I can change you. Nick knew he was about to be in for quite the adventure. It took Jane another 10 minutes to finish grabbing all the stuff they needed. The mess shifted through his diaper with every step he took. He felt quite bad that his mom would have to clean this up. But what else could he have done? Using his diaper was his only option. That thought made him feel even more like a baby as he waddled past the checkout. Sit down here, Jane commanded him as they walked past a bench, I less you move the better. Nick wasn't sure where to look as he sat there, he would look humiliated if he stared at the floor or ceiling, but he also really didn't want to meet anyone's gaze. Why did he have to forget his phone in the car. It felt like an eternity passed while he sat there, he didn't really dare to move out of fear of making things worse, but the warm mess was starting to cool off and become quite uncomfortable. He almost didn't notice Jane returning because he was so focused on the load in the back of his diaper. Come on, let's get you some proper protection, she joked. All Nick could do was gulp, he had been so preoccupied with his accident that he hadn't even thought about what else was about to happen. Can't we just go home, Nick begged her. No, you just had a massive accident in your diaper and you clearly need better ones to make sure everything stays in them. But these are doing just fine, I haven't even leaked. Not yet maybe, but I'm sure you will if you keep it on for much longer. Please, I'm not ready for this level of humiliation, was all he could say. You'll never be, but this is what you signed up for when you decided you preferd diapers over regular underwear. As he sighed in defeat, he also got the urge to wet himself. Nick didn't see much point in holding it, he probably wouldn't even be able to make it until he got changed. Besides, he would rather use the dirty one to keep his new diaper clean a little longer. He felt the a slow stream make it's way into the diaper, making the mess even worse. Nick felt dread as he realized the most humiliating part of this trap was yet to come. Eventually they reached the pharmacy. Jane walked in without much hesitation but Nick needed to take a deep breath. It's gonna be okay he told himself, these people are proffesionals, they don't care if I need diapers. But Nick knew that wasn't the worst part, not only did he need them, he was currently wearing what felt like the messiest diaper ever. He wasn't sure if these employees ever had to deal with that. Jane was right however, he did need better diapers, so there was nothing left to do but enter. There weren't a lot of other customers, but still more than he would have liked. One by one they went up to the counter and made their purchase all while new people entered as well. Nick felt himself getting sweaty, especially when someone not too far away from him sniffed the air. He wasn't sure whether to be relieved or terrified when their number finally got called. Together they walked up to the counter. Thankfully Jane was the one that did the actual talking, because Nick wasn't sure if he would be able to. That didn't make it any less embarrassing, because Jane wasn't beating around the bush. The pharmacist was a middle aged woman with a stern but trustworthy face. Good morning, I'm here to buy diapers for my son who has been suffering from heavy urinary and bowel incontinence for the past few weeks. With that the truth was out there, no turning back anymore.  I'm very sorry to hear that, she said. It sounded professional, but Nick couldn't help but notice a bit of pity. Do you have conformation from a medical professional about his condition. Nick wouldn't have know what to say, but Jane did. We are still waiting for the results, but we weren't able to wait for that long. Understandable, she said. What kind of protection are you looking for, do you want something discreet or are you looking for something a bit more absorbent. I think for the time being it would be best to get him something absorbent, he is still getting used to his condition and doesn't always realize how full his diaper is. I would rather get him something that keeps him protected for extended periods of time to make sure he doesn't leak. Nick turned red as a tomato, but he was unsure whether it was from excitement or soul-crushing embarrassment. Any regular teen would have probably flatlined by now, but for him this almost felt like an officiation. His growing dependence on diapers had never felt so real. Now there were people who knew him as nothing other than someone that needed diapers. They expected him to wear and use his diapers. To his surprise, he was relieved, almost like his fate had been sealed, this was who he was now, and all he would ever be. While he was thinking about this, the woman had entered the storage to get his new diapers. She returned with a large plastic bag, in the front, Nick could read the words Northshore Megamax, and inside the bag were the largest diapers he had ever seen. Those things seemed way larger as the ones he usually wore, again. He could only imagine how large they would get when he used them. Jane seemed to be equally impressed. These are some of the best briefs on the market, she explained. They can hold up to 6000 ml and should be able to keep him dry for up to twelve hours. Jane seemed a little skeptical about that, but even if they didn't manage to last half a day, the would still keep Nick dry for a very long time. I think these will do just fine. I think so too, the pharmacist agreed. Before paying, I need to ask for one more favor, Jane said. Nick stared at the floor, knowing what was about to be said, he didn't even care if he looked embarrassed, anyone would be. You see, my son is currently in need of a change. I was wondering if we could make use of your facilities. We have our own supplies, we just need a private area. This time, the woman was unable to hide her surprise. Ermmm... sure... she said. Nick could feel her eyes piercing him, but he refused to look back. I'll pay for them first, Jane continued, trying to ease the tension. She handed him the pack of diaper after she paid, which was heavier than he would have expected. Together with the employee they went to the back of the pharmacy. They entered a room with a large changing table in the middle, Nick almost couldn't believe his eyes. The employee put a protective towel over the table, sorry if it's a little dusty in here, it's pretty rare for people to make use of this room, but every once in a while it comes in handy. After that she left, leaving Jane and Nick on their own. Well, let's asses the damage first, Jane said. Nick pulled down his pants, exposing what used to be a plain white diaper. By now most of the diaper was brown however, with only bits of yellow and white near the top his diaper. It was sagging so much that there was an actual gap between his skin and the diaper, releasing a horrible smell. This is going to be fun, thankfully we have an actual changing room instead of a cramped public toilet, that would have been a nightmare. Nick felt like a complete and utter baby as he climbed onto the changing table and laid down with his legs spread apart. Jane unpacked the changing supplies as well as his first extra thick diaper. She ripped open the tapes before visibly gagging at the released smell. I'm really sorry, Nick said. Stop saying that, Jane said with an irritated voice. You know damn well there is nothing to be sorry for. The next time you say it, you will be spanked. That made him shut up. He felt utterly helpless as he stared up at the ceiling while his mom slowly wiped away the mess. Nick didn't know how long it took, but by the time Jane was finished, he had almost gotten used to the smell. Nick wasn't sure what to think about his first public messy diaper. On the one hand, it had been the most humiliating hour of his life, and he was sure that this experience would haunt him for many years to come. On the other hand, this was the most pure way he could have experienced what it was like to be in diapers full time. He no longer had a choice in where and when he used his diaper. All he could do was let go and deal with the consequences. Now that he looked back at it, it had been kind of nice to walk around in a messy diaper knowing there was nothing he could do about it. Even in a full diaper, life just kept going. Was that the essence of being diaper dependent? Who knows. Nick did know one thing though. If he had survived this, he could survive anything. Especially now that he was getting better diapers. At that moment, his thoughts were interrupted by a loud crinkle. When he looked at the source of the noise, he saw his mom folding open the biggest diaper he had ever seen. It was plain white with blue tapes like his previous diaper, but this one was even larger and thicker. Nick was excited by the prospect of walking around in them. These would probably last him for the better part of the day. Jane commanded him to lift up his butt as she slid the diaper under him. Wow, that feels soft, he said out loud. Glad to hear that, we would have had a problem if you didn't like them, because you'll be wearing these most of the time from now on. Although he was more than happy with the extra padding around his rear, it also made him a little nervous. There was no way in hell that he would be able to hide these massive diapers under his pants. Meanwhile Jane grabbed the front of the diaper and pulled it over his crotch. Nick was forced to spread his legs even further apart to make room for the padding. It felt like an actual pillow was folded around him. The sound of the tapes being applied seemed twice as loud as normal, but that might just be because they were in public. Once the last tape was applied, Jane took a step back to asses the result. Nick saw a a smirk appear on her face. He didn't need a mirror to know his cheeks were turning red. I look ridiculous, don't I? Yes, a little, Jane admitted. I wasn't expecting them to be this big, but if I'm being honest, you look adorable in them. In your previous diapers, you still looked like a teen, just with a bit of protection between his hips. It was kind of jarring, you looked like an adult and a child at the same time. But these actually make you look a little younger. Nick opened his mouth to protest, but Jane already continued. I'm not saying you look like a baby, or even a child really. You just seem a little more innocent and helpless. It kind of activates my motherly instincts. That can't be good, Nick thought to himself, but Jane was right about one thing, he did feel helpless. The massive bulk between his legs made it hard to move around freely. He felt rather clumsy as he climbed off the changing table. The thick padding forced his legs apart, which restricted his movement and made him feel like a big baby. This feeling was only amplified as a large gush of pee entered his diaper as soon as his feet hit the ground. It caught him completely off guard so he instinctively grabbed his crotch, despite knowing that he was wearing protection. Did you already wet yourself? Jane asked surprised. Just a little, he stuttered. He removed his hands from the padding, revealing a small yellow patch at the bottom of his otherwise white diaper. It was an accident nonetheless, Jane said. But now that you are wearing these, I guess it doesn't really matter anymore. Nick was still a little abashed by that remark, it had gotten to a point where it didn't really seem like a playful tease, it was just a matter of fact statement. He was wearing massive diapers wich could in theory last him twelve hours. Before he needed to be at least a little aware of the state of his diaper to make sure he didn't leak, but with these even that miniscule amount of effort was no longer required. Oh well, too late for regrets, Nick thought to himself. Even putting his pants on was hard. The bulk of his diaper made it hard to balance on one leg while he tried to pull his pants up, Nick almost fell over but he luckily managed to prevent that from happening. He could already hear his mother teasing him about the fact that he couldn't stand up. Nick didn't put it past her to suggest buying a stroller. That thought could only be described as horrifying. Nick snapped back to reality when he found himself unable to pull his pants over his diaper. This diaper was really massive and Nick had to wiggle and squirm quite a bit before he finally managed to pull his pants over the bulk. It took him another minute to close the zipper and button his pants. When he was done he noticed Jane looking at his crotch with a mixture of worry, annoyance and amusement. When he looked down himself he noticed the clear and obvious bulge. The only way to make it more obvious that he was wearing a diaper was to take off his pants altogether. I think it's time we buy you some new clothes... Jane said. Nick absolutely despised shopping. He hated it. You could even say he loathed it. Especially now that he was walking around with the most obvious diaper bulge in the universe. Jane was right, if he wanted to appear at least somewhat normal, he needed loose clothing. They entered a clothing store and were greeted by an employee. She was as close to his definition of a dream girl as possible. Her cute face, perfectly framed by her slightly curly caramel hair, was to die for. She was a bit shorter than him, but also had a bit more muscle. Her skinny jeans highlighted her firm legs which had a beautiful round, tight butt attached to them. Her bright red work polo was a little less flattering, but her boobs were still clearly visible. She radiated playfulness, enthousiasm and confidence and had an irressistable smile. Nick had never wanted to take his diaper off this much, but alas, he couldn't. Not just because everybody would see him do it, but also because he had a very real chance of wetting his pants without it. Nick suddenly felt completely trapped resulting in his brain having a meltdown. All he could do was quickly move behind a rack of clothes to prevent her from seeing his obvious padded bottom. Jane greeted her and explained what they were looking for. Okay, what size do you have, she asked nicely. Nick tried to answer quickly, but all that came out was incomprehensible mumbling. So Jane told her instead. She chuckled awkardly before walking off to grab a few diffrent jeans. It was physically impossible for him to be more red from embarrassment. Why did she have to be the one to help them of all people? Is it okay if I go into the fitting room? Nick asked, unable to hide the desperation in his voice. "I'm not sure Jane said. You need to face your fears, you have made some great progress these past few weeks, but you're still not able to accept yourself". "I know, but this isn't going to change that. And even if it did, it shouldn't be at her expense" Nick retorted. "How noble of you", Jane said with unmistakable sarcasm. Nick gave her an annoyed glance. He had been rather obedient these past few months, but this was simply a bridge too far. He entered a fitting room and closed the curtain before the employee returned. The girl returned not even 10 seconds later. Nick immediately started to panic, had she seen his diapered rear?Here are a few options, she heard her say to his mom. "Thank you so much, Jane said. I'll know where to find you if we need help". Okay, the girl said. She sounded curious and weirded out at the same time, with only a single word being spoken. Nick wanted to slam his head against a wall, but knew it would only draw more attention. He nearly got a heart attack when Jane's hand holding 5 pairs of pants suddenly poked through the curtain. Jesus christ, he muttered, before taking them off her. He sighed as he realized that this was going to take a while. 43 minutes to be exact, but it felt a lot longer. At least at first The fitting room felt claustrophobic, it's thin walls were the only thing that prevented the outside world from seeing what he was really wearing. The worst part was having to come out of it to show Jane whether that particular pair of pants did a good enough job hiding the diaper bulge. It was getting busy in the store. Even though it was normal to spin around and check out your ass in the mirror when fitting pants, it felt wrong doing it when there was diaper underneath. I might as well tell everyone in the store about what I'm wearing, he thought to himself. But to his surprise, no one seemed to notice or care. At first he was very self consious about the visibility of his diaper and felt like it was impossible to miss. But his mom kept reassuring him that no one could tell. Slowly Nick started to realize this as well. Not all pants did a great job of hiding the bulge, but there was also quite a few which made it hard to tell, even for Nick. With every pair he grew more comfident and some even made him feel fashionable. After the third one he wasn't even really thinking about the visibility of the diaper, he was just judging which ones looked the best. There were some that he had to disregard despite Nick liking them, simply because they didn't do a good enough job hiding his protection, especially after he had an accident. Thankfully it happend in the fitting room, but it was nonetheless a little humiliating. Nevertheless, after fitting more jeans than he could count on his hands, they had found four pairs that looked good and was able to properly cover up even the fullest of diapers. As they made their way towards the checkout, Nick reflected on the experience and realised he hadn't felt this normal in quite a while. He was somewhat proud of himself for doing this despite being terrified not even an hour ago. Nick felt that the experience had made him stronger and less ashamed of who he was. Not that those moments were that special, Nick had experienced dozens of them since he started wearing diapers again. This one did feel more significant than most however. Wearing in public was the hardest part of being in diapers 24/7, and this was the first time he had felt at least somewhat normal while doing it. But as Nick saw the hot employee behind the counter, he realized he still had a long way to go. His diaper suddenly felt 10 times more noticeable, especially after fitting loose jeans that he wasn't able to wear yet. And of course she immediately turned her head and looked straight at him, all Nick could do was look away. When he finally built up the courage to look at her again, she was already helping another customer. Nick's heart was pounding in his chest as they got in line. He knew he could walk right past and wait for his mother outside, but he decided to face his fears. Once it was their turn to pay, Nick put the jeans on the counter but still wasn't able to look at her. Good taste, she noted. Dammit, Nick thought to himself, it would just be rude to not look up now. He looked up at her and mumbled a barely noticeable thank you. She smiled, but her eyes told the real story. They looked at him with a mix of pity and vicarious shame. And why wouldn't she. She had seen an 18 year old boy hide behind anything he could find and do anything in his power to avoid talking to her. She didn't even need to know he was currently wearing a massive adult diaper to think of him as a child in a teenagers body. That thought was almost too much for him, but he decided not to make more of a fool out of himself and succesfuly finished the purchase. As they walked out of the store, Jane scolded for acting like a wasted caveman. What must she think of us, she hissed at him. Nick could only stare at the floor and nod. He didn't really want to think about it, ever, but it was hard to escape the growing sense of both shame and guilt. He constantly felt like everyone was staring at him while they walked back to the car. All he could do was look down at the floor and ignore the world around him. At last they reached the car and drove off in silence. Nick spend the rest of the ride home reflecting on everything that happened. Clearly he wasn't as ready to face the world as a diapered young-adult as he had thought. Even using the term young-adult sounded wrong in his head, he felt like a toddler. The girls face kept flashing through his head. He didn't even know her name, and yet she had done more damage to his self esteem than most people. You did that all on your own, Nick had to remind himself. But had he though? When Nick looked back at the whole thing, it had almost felt like a diffrent entity, in the form of pure, unrestrained terror, had taken over his body. He had been completely overwhelmed by the humiliating experience of messing himself in public, having to buy new diapers while still wearing a messy one and then having to walk around with a massive diaper bulge under his pants. A regular person would have passed out from embaressement about halfway through. Nick had somehow navigated all of it thanks to a healthy mix of excitement and detachement, but that girl had been a reminder that he was still a teenage boy with regular wants and needs. That had activated his fight or flight instincts which had done more harm than good. Nick felt completely hollow and knew that this would be another experience to keep him up for quite a few nights. But it might also have been just been what he needed. It had shown him what happend if he lost control over his emotions, turning him into an actual child. Part of him wouldn't mind to give up control over them as well. It seemed so simple, to just let go of it all, act however he wanted and never care about what others would think of him. He would be little more than a toddler, both physicaly and mentally, but also completely carefree. Nick knew in his heart that it would make him deeply unhappy however. Despite having lost most of his bladder control, Nick still viewed himself as a grown-up deep down.  That was what made wearing diapers at his age so special in the first place, the fact that he wasn't suposed to. He liked the contrast between his regular life and the childisch padding around his rear. They represented to completely different mindsets and lifestyles that somehow had to co-exist. In the last few months, he had been slowly regressing from a regular teenager to a diaper dependent one. If he didn't stop, it could get much worse. It was exciting to experience what it was like to lose control over such an essential bodily function and have to rely on diapers. He still enjoyed it, but after spending multiple months wearing them more often than not, he was starting to get used to them. Even though these new diapers would also take some getting used to, eventually they would start to feel normal as well. Today's shopping trip, despite being disastrous, had reminded him that diapers weren't the only fun and exciting thing in the world. He had very much neglected his adult half, and right now, that part was screaming for attention. It wanted to have meaningful relationships, aquire new skills and explore the world. It didn't even matter if he did it while wearing diapers, his adult half just wanted something to do. Diapers didn't have to control his life, they could simply be a part of it, however large that part may be. Nick knew that being in diapers would make it harder to fullfill these desires. Who would want to be friends with somebody who wears diapers, not to mention being romanticaly interested. That was the trade-off he had made. Doing normal teen stuff would simply be harder to do, though not impossible. And in return, he got to experience something that none of those other experiences could ever give him: complete and utter comfort. As he sat in the car, suddenly feeling the need to pee and almost spontaniously filling his diaper, he knew he wouldn't want it any other way

Really well written, and not just for ABDL fiction standards!

Chapter 80 Grainne’s Second Letter   While Cait was eating her brownie and drinking her milk after she had changed her wet boy panties and had to put on the pajama pants with a belt to keep her from scratching, Daddy showed a folded piece of one sided worksheet. It was another letter!   Sister Cait,   Daddy took us to a doctor on Wednesday, not Monday. He busy and plus Clo need help to get ready for corn planting. The doctor told daddy I just do it. I think he told daddy like the doctor said for you. So… I guess it’s my fault I pee my pants sometimes.   Daddy gave Clo and me new rules. He made Roisin new rules, too. Roisin and me sleep together. He put your old mat on my bed. Daddy says it stops the pee ruining my box springs. Not sure what box springs is though. Daddy says you staying with our cousins until next Summer, not just December, now.   Daddy said something that is going to be embarrassing in September. He’s going to tell my teachers that I pee. He says there is no reason to raise my hand in class. They will all know, so don’t waist class time and get stupid like Cait. You. I am sad.   He said if Clo wants to pee in the field and I should be wet in the field because if I have your problem and this doctor doesn’t know what Kinsella’s doctor knows, then I will pee and poop my pants. So he will check and make sure I’m telling the truth. I have to poop my pants on purpose now. That’s gross. But it’s that or I’m lying. If we lie, he bought a new belt.   How are you? Did you fix your poop? If you fix your poop, Daddy said he’s happy. Daddy says if you too… I’m not writing that word here… to stop peeing, he won’t be mad. He just wants you to stop pooping your pants right now.   Sorry. Dad calls. I don’t want him to see this letter. Love-Love. Grainne.   Cait frowned as Sean read it to her.   “Daddy didn’t really change.”   “Well, change can take a very long time when it comes to something that has been a habit for a long time. I wish we humans could correct our bad habits on a dime. Maybe you wouldn’t beat yourself up as much as you do, but like you need a while to process what happened to you, since he wasn’t hurt, it’s going to take him a lot longer than it would you to see what he’s done. I’m sorry, Pet.” Daddy kissed Cait’s ear. “It’s not right. It’s just what is, Cait.”   His kiss sort of tickled in a rough sort of way since he had whiskers from not keeping his face clean shaving since the hospital stuff. Cait liked it, though. It meant he could kiss her even when he’s not perfect. And it meant, she was always safe even if his shaggy stuff felt a little strange on her face.   “Did Mommy write about me at all?” Cait asked.   Eiboline frowned and pulled out the letter. The letter, down at the bottom had a few lines.   “How is Cait. Her sisters really miss her. I hope she stops peeing her pants soon, and she learns to respect herself more. She’s smarter than she acts. Don’t tell her though. Just tell her mommy loves her. And her sisters miss her….” and then the letter goes on to sign off with a promise to write again soon.   “That’s mom,” Cait sighed. “She’s afraid of Daddy reading the mail, and she… she knows he’s right that a fifth grader can’t poop her pants.”   “Now.” Sean sighed patting her leg. “Your mom is just tired, Cait. She can’t mean to sign off like that, and you weren’t supposed to read that yourself. But it’s important we show you that your mom is writing to you.”   Chomp.   “Kooks says that Mommy does think it though. I not supposed to read it. So, she telling you her real thinks.”   Cait looked over at Front City. She felt her face getting read. Her stomach hurt, not like before, but in a new way. A raw way. A way she couldn’t even think she could feel again, but it was sickening and hurting and tight and it was something else. Something she had no word for. “I hate them,” Came out as a whisper.   Daddy patted her lap. “Now.”   Cait knew he was calming her down. She knew he loved her and didn’t like her getting too upset over things she can’t control. But she didn’t know if his now meant she didn’t mean that, or if his now meant that she can’t hate them, or if his now meant that she has a right to hate them, but maybe it means something else.   Cait didn’t care what it meant. She just knew that Mama thinks she is faking. Mama said she’s smarter than she pretends. Mama is worse than Daddy? Daddy thinks she’s really stupid. Mama thinks she knows better but poops her pants anyway just for something? Attention? But if for attention, she she not giving it?   She crawled against Daddy and started crying.   “You’ve had one roller coaster of a couple of days, Cait,” Daddy rubbed her back. “How about you sleep with us tonight to safely process and relax your heart a bit?”   Cait shook her head. “I’m ten. I’ll show Mama. I’m not bad. I’m not doing it for something. I don’t have to sleep in your bed like Aoibhe. I am a big girl.” But she still hugged Daddy and put her head on his chest for a little longer.   When Eiboline nodded at the clock to let Daddy know it was time, he took her to her room. “Let me check, hon. Bathroom or bedroom? Are you wet, Cait?”   “No, I not.”   “Let’s put you on the toilet for a minute then and we’ll fix up your owie so it doesn’t itch in the night as much.”   “Okay. Daddy? What will happen if I poop my pants even though they said it cured?”   “It’s not cured, Cait. The main reason is cured, but that going away doesn’t take away the habits and the deep feeling of your body having had so little say for so long. You also have pee pee trouble from something else. I’m not saying it matters, but if you need to understand why it’s still an accident and not your choice, remember, you have to recover not only from sickness but from Trauma. Besides, the doctor said not to run. That means if poop is coming out… you still don’t run. Your stitches need to heal.”   “Okay.”   “And, Cait…?”   “Yeah?”   “You are allowed to poop your pants because you want to. It’s your body, sweetheart. No one here thinks you are stupid, and no one here things you just want attention when you poop your pants. There is a reason, but that reason isn’t something I’m going to guess. I’ll let you tell me when you are ready, sweetheart.”   “Okay.”   Daddy held her on the toilet keeping a hand on her shoulder while Grandma carefully fixed up her owies with three medicines again. No itching medicine, no lose natural water medicine, and protecting medicine so pee doesn’t eat skin, medicine. Cait smiled up at her big trusted people, and she whispered. “I love you.”   Daddy helped her pull up her boy-shorts-panties and then fixed her pajamas, and he put the belt buckle part at he back of her pants instead the front. “That’s so a clever girl can’t somehow get it off in her sleep,” he kissed her ear again.   “Daddy?”   “Hmm?”   “If you want to kiss Grandma who is really my Auntie who is really my cousin, maybe you can shave tomorrow. Your face feels funny with bear-hair on it.”   Daddy chuckled. “Bear-hair, huh?”   Cait nodded. “Yeah. Definitely Bear-hair. Dog hair and cat hair is soft and feels good. Bear scary, so it has to be Bear-hair. It Bear-hair because you scary when you fighting people that get in your way, but you don’t show scary when you play with your kids, like me.”   “Well, maybe if I keep my bear-hair a little longer, maybe people will leave you alone and stop picking you for a while.”   Cait shrugged. “I don’t think you need the hair to tell them, though. I think they just see it in your face and your eyes and….”   Cait was slowly losing her voice until she just closed her eyes and sleep took over.   Cait felt the darkness pressing in on her. There were sounds, strange sounds, sounds she couldn’t understand going on around her. Among the noise that she couldn’t filter out, she though she heard big kid noises. Was Shane there? She thought she heard him whispering Liam. They were talking about someone.   Cait’s pants felt wet…. Or maybe they weren’t wet. She wasn’t sure. She felt at her pants with her hands, but still wasn’t sure. They felt heavy though like she was wet. Something smelled bad. Kids were still stalking.   An ant peeked through the crack on the wall just under the window. Little bitty eyes saw a huge mountain, across the space, moving up and down. It seemed to roll in place. There was a small town of stationary block places laid out closer to the ant just to one side of the moving mountain. The places didn’t have any doors or windows. The town was still much larger than the ant. Cars looked like people suddenly parked them in the streets. They were not at their homes. They were not moving. The ant looked up, and the mountain pulled part of the ground up, but as it did, it exposed giant feet. The ant turned around and crawled back out of the room. “Nope!”   The sounds of this mystifying place with Shane’s voice and Liam’s voice seemed to have other voices that were starting to fade into the background. Cait felt like poop was pushing into the back of her panties. She was wearing girl panties, not the safe boy ones. She was peeing and pooping them. She was in this dark space.   ‘I guess it’s my fault…. I just do it….’ echoed in her ears, not in her own voice, but in the voice of Grainne.   A tight knot caught in her throat as she felt her hand trying to go up, but it felt like something heavy was tied to her wrist, and it pulled at the floor, so her hand was shaking, but it could pull up. Poop was filling her panties again, except she started with clean panties again. ‘I just do it….’   A sudden bright light overhead put Cait in a room like she had seen on television. She had been in this room before. Dark judging shadows were around her last time. She had peed her pants. Only this time, she felt her pants with her hands. They were dry. But she felt the poop in her panties, twice, but now… no, they were clean.   The ghost whispered in her ear. “I told you this would happen.” Did she pre-pee? She didn’t know.   “You made your sisters break Daddy’s rules. Now, they are on trial, and it’s our fault.”   Cait looked around the darkness. She could see shadows. She felt like the people in the darkness were more familiar, but not known. She shook as she looked forward.   “I am your defense lawyer,” the ghost told her. “I am the only one that would do it. Everyone else is either mad at you, scared of getting in trouble, or are the ones that think you and your sisters deserve it.”   “Deserve it? Deserve what?”   The ghost whispered. “Shush. The judge!”   Mama’s voice projected from the front of the room still hidden in the shadows. “Grainne!”   A nervous girl stepped out of the shadows. A Grainne that was much smaller than Cait ever imagined her sister being, looked up at the judge.   “You shit your pants in front of your mother, didn’t you?”   “Yes… Mom… I mean, ma’am?”   “That would be a terrible crime if that was all you did, but that’s not all is it?”   Cait shook as she saw Grainne now walk in front of her towards the pulpit thing. The box springs? It was a large square box, and under the main part, there were these giant springs that caused it to be higher. The back of Grainne’s panties had poop in them. She was holding her butt, like she was scared of letting any of it come out of her panties.   “You Pissed your pants in the fields when Cait left the farm, didn’t you?”   “Yes Mom.”   “Did your little sisters see you piss your pants?”   “I… I don’t think they saw when it happened. How could they? They were in the house with Mama assept for Clo. She might know I peed.”   “Might? Or does know? You will get a swat for every lie you tell, and if any poop comes out of your panties, you will get it worse.”   A giant snake like creature rose up from behind her in that box spring place, and the belt buckle was like it’s head. I wrapped around the box spring place and seemed to how its belt buckle face at Grainne. She peed her pants again.   “Now, did Clo see you pee your pants while you were working?”   “Yes, mom. She saw me do it lots of times.”   “Prospect-tator lawyer. You may start.”   Dan walked in front of Grainne. “Be member the belt, Grainne—Not Be member the Oats.” That’s what Father said as he walked in front of Grainne. “Did someone in this court tell you to poop your pants?”   Grainne shook her head.   “Remember, you lie, and you get it with the belt, and if any poop leaks, you get it worse.”   Grainne still shook her head though she looked right at Cait, her eyes filling with tears.   “I told her to do it!” Cait stood up.   “Cait!” The ghost’s voice was like ice water on her heart. “You’re going to get her in trouble! She’s older than you. She’s not supposed to listen to you! You are supposed to obey her! You ARE stupid!”   Cait sat down.   Grainne peed again.   “Your head lied,” Dan looked into Grainne’s eyes. Now point out the person that told you to shit your pants.”   Grainne shivered and a shaky finger rose from her side, but then it pointed not at Grainne, but at Dan.   “You want the belt?” Dan asked her.   Grainne’s finger, shaking, moved towards Cait, but it rested, not on Cait, but on Cait’s ghost.   Cait felt a little pre-pee in her panties for sure this time.   The ghost smiled. “The judge can’t really see me. Your sisters can’t see me, either. Grainne pointed near you, trying to point at you, but she doesn’t want to point at you. There is another thing she’s hiding.”   “She pointed at you,” Cait frowned looking for Kooks. Kooks couldn’t be seen.   “Cait told you something in the bathroom, the day she visited. Something private. Something she wanted you and Clo to start doing, didn’t she? Do you remember what she told you to do?”   Grainne shook her head, but her eyes caught Cait’s eye, and Cait remembered exactly what the judge wants to hear her say.   “The belt is waiting,” Dan told Grainne. “Or, maybe it should hit your little sister for pooping her pants?”   “No. Cait told us to pee our pants outside. She said to please. Her… she… she knows something. I… I wanted to say we can’t. I’m the big sister, but Cait was right. It’s getting worse.”   “Was Cait right?” Dan asked. “Or is it getting worse because you keep pissing your pants more and more. How many times did you piss your pants last year at school?”   Cait looked down missing how many fingers Grainne held up.   Grainne walked off the box springs box and the belt hit her three times. “You shook your head, a lie. You didn’t point at Cait, a lie. You didn’t tell the truth about something Cait missed… a lie. All your poop is still in your panties… that’s all. Go sit, and don’t you dare leak.”   Cait shook. She sat up in bed breathing heavily. It was dark outside. The farm on the dresser was still there… only the little horse by itself had panties on it, and it had pooped in them. She shook her head. There were four little horse ponies on the dresser with pooped in panties. She shook her head again. She felt herself breathing heavily. Her eyes were being closed against her will. She was being pulled back into darkness.   The imagery of an unknown place. Shane’s voice was in the void again. He was whispering but with who? Cait didn’t know.   “The second elder of the Weimers peed in class today.”   “That’s why Cait does it,” Shane’s voice said. “Cait learned to do it from her sisters….”   The voices faded.   Cait was thrown back in the spot lit room. The giant springs holding up the trial box. Clodagh was sitting in it this time. She glared at Cait with a frown. Her panties were sagging and soaked. She had peed her bed.   “Did you pee your pants in the field?” Dan asked Clo.   “Yeah?”   “Who told you to pee your pants?”   “Grainne.”   “Does Grainne always tell you to do that?”   “No.”   “When was the first time she told you to.”   “Monday. We were getting ready for the corn. I had to go. Grainne said I was slowing us down with my… trying not to pee. She said Cait knows something. Just do it. Daddy promised not to hit if we just pee our pants in the field. I peed.”   “Did you like peeing your pants in the field.”   “I don’t know.”   “The belt is watching.”   “Kind of. It was easier to do the work after I peed. It was scary but then, it was just wet. I was okay. But until Aoibhe asked why I peed. Then I felt scared again.”   “Who is Aoibhe?”   “My baby sister.”   “Does she potty her pants?”   “I… I don’t want to say. There’s a rule. You can’t make me say it.”   “You never pissed your pants before Cait told your big sister to make you?”   “Not… Not on purpose. I did. It was always when we working in the field though. It started this summer. Not before. I promise.”   “Good.” Ghost whispered to Cait. “They call Roisin next. But she doesn’t have to be looked bad at. You can save your little sisters.”   “How.”   “How else? Doing what you know is coming. Wake up with fully pooped in panties and wet the bed once before, and once as they check you. You follow the rules, and Clo doesn’t even get in trouble because she’s only admitted to peeing in the field right now, and because big sister told her to. The only sister in some trouble right now, is Grainne, just like I told you would happen at the Library last week. So….”   “I’ll do it. I’ll poop my pants in this bed.”   The darkness fearful room started to fade.   Chapter 81 The Grace Given Costs   As Cait’s eyes opened, she heard the sounds of morning from her window. Birds were chirping. The light was peeking into her window making a single line of ray that hit her bed just below her waist. The dresser was restored to its rightful place, the long horse looked happy. Bedroom town looked happy. Cait sighed.   “If you don’t poop, your baby sister poops her pants in church today, and then what Clo wasn’t going to say, comes true….”   Cait felt around for Kooks. Chomp.   “I don’t think that was a chomp, Kooks. Grainne’s letter said that she really did pee in the house and got in trouble. Daddy changed her rules and he’s going to tell her teachers in September that she just does it, so ignore her if she raises her hand. She’s gonna pee her pants all school year, and she’s going to be fifteen! That’s not a chomp, Kooks.”   Kooks just stared at me, its eyes not alive. It was like the bear was confused or something.   I started to push on my tummy until I started pooping my pants. It was coming out easier than I though, and it wasn’t runs. It was just real poop, but it was easy and it didn’t hurt.   I sighed and laid back. That was part one.   “You fully went in your pants,” Ghost whispered in the room though didn’t show herself.   “Yeah?”   “Did you choose to poop yours… protecting your sister, or did I make you… meaning you didn’t do it for me… meaning… your sister isn’t protected?”   “I did it.”   “Good. Now, you won’t be able to fully pee in the bed because you already went.”   Cait frowned. “So?”   “So, you still owe me a full wetting with witnesses.”   “With witnesses?”   “Or...Aoibhe can do it.”   “No. I do it.”   “You believe me, now, that I can make it harder for Grainne, and still have three other girls I can affected at home?”   “Yeah.”   “Where do you suppose the most people might see you pee today?”   “Church?”   “In your seat, I suppose, partially hidden with only Ruth and her family and your family around you?”   Cait sighed. “No? What do you….”   “Cait, don’t….” Kooks tried to say something, but Cait was already listening to the ghost.   “You need to agree to pee where the most people will see exactly what you are doing.”   “Sunday School,” Cait’s voice and face fell.   “And if you pee before then… even a little bit in your panties… I will have Roisin pee her pants at church today.”   “Please. I can do it.”   The ghost stop responding.   “Cait. The Ghost can’t do that.”   “Kooks? Explain how Daddy is going to be sending Grainne to school this September and tell all of her teachers that she pees her pants. You can’t. You saw the letter. The Ghost can do it.”   Kooks sighed.   Kookaberry whispered in Cait’s ear. “Talk to the Kinsella. Just tell them you want to pee your pants on purpose at church. Tell them you have to. Don’t tell them why. Don’t blame the ghost. Just tell them you want to. The ghost didn’t tell you that you couldn’t ask them to let you pee your pants in Sunday School.”   “What if they don’t let me go to Sunday School though because of it?”   “Then tell him as you are already leaving with Ruth and her brother. Just tall him and run off.”   “Why?”   “Because. He can’t help you if he doesn’t know. If you tell him you want to pee your pants at church… he can figure out something is wrong without making your Father at home punish a sister.”   “Are you sure?”   “Did the Ghost punish your sister because the Insurance was forced to take you? Did it punish a sister because you got surgery? No. Cait, the Ghost can only control one thing. It can only whisper to Dan, right? But if you are doing what Mom already thinks… planning to potty your pants at church, and getting people to look at you so Dan thinks you will stop pooping your pants, then Ghost can’t do nothing about that.”   “Are you sure?”   “I know the Ghost doesn’t have any power around the real truth. I’ve cut it off when it tries to lie. The only reason I couldn’t chomp what the Ghost was doing, was that it was true. Your Dad blamed her for listening to you. He heard you tell them to wet in the field and begged him to give them permission. He told you that same day, he wouldn’t punish them… for peeing in the field. Your Grainne’s letter said he didn’t hit them for the field. They just both have to do it all the time. But no hitting.”   “Yeah. Daddy promised not to hit. The letter said he’ll hit if Grainne doesn’t poop her pants though and Clo doesn’t pee.”   “Clo will pee. That’s too long not to pee, Cait. The only problem is Grainne. But you couldn’t predict that one because you didn’t know she was pooping her pants sometimes.”   Cait sighed. “She wasn’t.”   “Yes, she was. That’s why Daddy agreed to take her to see the doctor and really took her even if he was late. And Roisin really pees her pants. That’s why she went to see a doctor.”   “Yeah?”   “Just tell Sean you want to pee in Sunday School, and then run off. Then if you do it, he has something to think about. He will figure it out.”   “Okay. Maybe….”   Kooks chomped at the air, but the ghost wasn’t there. Maybe he was proving to Cait that the ghost wasn’t, or maybe he was proving to Cait that his plan wasn’t something the Ghost could do anything about. Whatever he was proving, there was no Ghost answer, and Cait picked Kooks up, pulled the soiled sheet of her bed, one thumb in mouth as she dragged the shameful sheet behind her, and she knocked at the bedroom door.   “Is that you, Cait?” Daddy asked.   Cait just hugged Kooks, sucked her thumb, and kept her other hand around the grasp of the sheet that tailed behind her. She was going to show Daddy what she did. The Ghost didn’t say she couldn’t. Likely, the Ghost though she was going to stay in bed until they got her up and see the mess. But Cait saw no reason to do that. The Ghost didn’t say to stay put. It just said to poop her pants in bed, and she did it.   “Cait, baby? Open the door. Come and get Daddy, hon.”   Cait slowly opened the door. She walked in and turned the light on making sure they would wake up and see her. She looked down at her clothes. She sniffled. “I pooped my pants on purpose. I wanted to poop my pants. But it feels gross.”   Sean and Eiboline exchanged looks that were not angry at all. They looked like… it was like… Poor little one! Cait’s heart felt like it was being squeezed. She did do it on purpose, and now they were acting like she couldn’t help it. It hurt her heart that they were now getting out of bed and Daddy was walking over and taking her dirty sheet from her. He squatted down.   “Now.”   “Not now!” Cait whispered. “Didn’t you hear? I pooped my pants, and I did it cause I wanted to.”   Sean picked her up, her fully loaded put sitting on his arm, and he tilted her chin to see him. “The doctor said not to run. You had a belt around you pajamas, and a trick one at that, and it was fastened in back to keep your pants out of your pants. That also trapped you. Even if you wanted to sit on the toilet, you still would have done it in your pants, baby.”   “But I wanted to.”   “Yes, Cait. You wanted to. We talked about this last night. Don’t you remember that we said you had your cause that started it cured, but not the trouble itself cured?”   “What that meets?”   “It means, Cait, that you did poop your pants… and on purpose… and it still wasn’t your fault. If you really wanted to do it, you wouldn’t be this upset by it, child. You are scared of something. And Daddy doesn’t think it’s a good idea right now to make you tell me what scared you. What I do know, is you wearing messy stuff on your skin is not good for it, so we are going to change you, and later, you are going to poop your pants again, and we will do this again and again until you learn that it really is okay to poop your pants. When you learn that, you will have power to stop and the power to tell me why you keep doing it if you want to stop but can’t.”   “Okay.”   Eiboline walked over and pried the sheets from her hands. “No, Cait. You don’t clean the sheet today,” she told her. “Not today. You don’t get to feel punished for something you can’t help, and though I’ve been telling you that cleaning up after yourself is not punishment, you did something this time you haven’t done yet. You went in the bed on purpose, and you’re scared. I’m not punishing you for being scared and I’m not not letting you see anything like that. Grandma cleans the sheet today.”   Cait nodded tears in her eyes.   “Did you feel something dark inside telling you to potty your pants?” Grandma asked.   “Can you see the Ghost?”   “No. But if it was a Ghost that told you to potty your pants, that’s not a normal Ghost.”   “I know. Real Ghosts are just mifolojy. They not real. But this Ghost. It real. It not a dead person or something from a different place. It from our farm.”   Grandma nodded. “Yes, hon. It is. And that’s why Daddy and Grandma can’t see it. We’re not from your other farm. All we can see, is what it does to you.”   “I’m not just being cree ah tiff. I promise. It bad to lie. I really think there is this girl that standing right there, sometimes, her finger in her mouth. She wearing wet dress from peeing herself. She looking at me like I made her do it. And she telling me what will Daddy do if I don’t do something. And I… I had to poop my pants—on purpose. I had to, or Aoibhe, the only one that hasn’t wet potty her pants yet last year, she would have to do it—maybe at church today.”   Sean and Eiboline looked at one another.   Cait frowned. “I promise I didn’t cree a tiff it.”   “We know,” Daddy frowned. “That’s why we are worried, hon. This is too real for you. It’s scaring us. We know you are trying so hard, and you are such a brave little one. Cait, when you were scared of the diaper, of being a baby…, What was scary about being a baby?”   Cait looked into his eyes. “I’m not.”   “I’m not saying you are a baby. I’m asking you what is so scary about being a baby?”   Cait Shrugged. “I don’t know.”   Sean took Cait to the bathroom while Eiboline took her dirty sheet down stairs to wash it.   In the bathroom, Sean carefully took her shirt and then her pajama bottoms off. She was a real mess. He patted her back. “Big girl,” he cooed at her while she stood there naked, her poopy panties and pajama bottoms on the floor. “Sit on the toilet for a minute, okay?”   “I’m sorry. No, Daddy. If I do, Aoibhe wets her pants at church. I’m not allowed to pee. I can’t pee until we get to church. If I pee, one of my sisters get in trouble, and it might be Aoibhe.”   Sean nodded.   “Well, get in the tub then, sweetheart. The trick about being in water… is even a Ghost can’t tell if you pee in the water.”   “How come?”   “Because Ghosts are afraid of water. They are afraid of their reflection. They don’t like mirrors either. She can’t sit in the bath with you, so if you pee in the bath, she won’t know you peed, if you don’t tell her. You don’t need to tell me. I won’t ask. I’ll just assume you peed even if you didn’t and wipe you clean when we get you out. Is that okay? You choose if you want to pee in the bath. But if you do, no one knows but you. And don’t tell the ghost even if she asks. She won’t know even if she tries to say she knows. She’s scared of water. That’s why Holy water scares them.”   “It’s not the holy part?”   “Well, the holy part doesn’t feel good, but they are absolutely scared of water even if it’s not holy.”   “Okay.”   Sean started to play with her in the bath. He pushed water at her. It was like… he was trying to give her time. And eventually, she peed in the water. She looked around, but the Ghost wasn’t there scaring her. It wasn’t even by the bathroom door. Maybe Daddy was right about this one?   When Grandma came in with some clean clothes for her, she saw Daddy filling the tub again.   “Didn’t you bathe her?”   “She wouldn’t tell me if she peed in the tub. She says if she pees that she’s scared the Ghost will hurt her sister. So, she says she’s not telling. She knows I wanted her to pee. I don’t want to believe she would go against me, so I’m just going do to a quick wash up. I taught her that Ghosts can’t see or feel what’s done in water because it scares them.”   “I forgot about that!” Grandma nodded. “That’s right. I remember swimming in the pool and a few of us believed that we could pee in the water because no one would know, especially a ghost. They said Ghosts could tell on us, but not if it can’t see what we are doing.”   Sean smiled.   Cait smile and rose her arms at him to take her out of the tub. “You can dry me.”   When they pulled up to the church parking, but before they got out, Cait whispered. “Don’t get out yet. Please.”   Sean and Eiboline looked back at her.   “I’m gonna wet my pants in Sunday School. I just wanted you to know.”   They looked at one another and then at Cait. “Hon, we need you with us.”   “Why?”   “The hurt, hon. We can’t let you sit in pee for very long because it will hurt you. Your skin is very sensitive.”   “I have to. Trust me. Grainne will poop her pants at church or something worse. I have to go to Sunday school. I promise, I’ll ask Ruth to take me to you after I peed my pants. Okay?”   Sean sighed. “Cait, you don’t need to hurt yourself.”   “The ghost….”   “Remember about the bath water?”   “There’s no bath at church.”   “No, but there is the love of Jesus here. I don’t know what kind of church your Father goes to, but Jesus won’t let a ghost like that bother kids in his real churches. Jesus doesn’t allow kids to be hurt in his presence.”   “Doesn’t Jesus see everything?”   “Not really, Cait. Jesus sees what you invite him to see. He does that out of respect, not that he can’t. And if he won’t let himself see something private, he won’t let no ghost see that in his presence. So, yes, he can be there if you learn to talk to him more, but he won’t be there if he’s not invited because he doesn’t force people.”   “I don’t get it.”   “Well, the ghost isn’t allowed in his church. But you know what? If you think the ghost can get in, go ahead and just make sure you have Billy bring you down with Ruth. That will be fine.”   When they were getting out of the car, Ruth ran up and hugged Cait. “I was so scared you wouldn’t want to come back after that mean girl tried to be mean to you.”   Cait smiled. “It was only one girl. Everyone else was so nice, how can I not want to come back. But I still not fixed. I’ll pee my pants again.”   “We don’t care. We love you.”   Ruth took Cait’s hand almost possessively, and then she reached in the car and pulled out Kooks. “And this protector bear comes with us.”   As they were entering, the Pastor whispered to Sean. “In what way is she?”   “They had to do a very difficult procedure, but it may have worked. The problem is, that was just the thing they saw. There is more going on. She’s going to have a hard time this year. She’s going to be shamed and she hates diapers. I’m not forcing her into one.”   “As it should be. A child that is already having a hard time shouldn’t have to fight with her big people to make it more bearable. Just make it easier for her. There were a few youth that noticed the spill and volunteered to clean it up last Sunday. People will be as kind as you give them a chance to be.”   Daddy nodded. “Yes, but sometimes, they can have hearts of stone.”   “Sure, they can. But that’s just because they haven’t been given enough chances to care.”   Daddy nodded. “I suppose it could be that.”   “Well, here is your chance to care. Brother Westburg is sick and he was supposed to say a few words. Would you mind saying something? I have no doubt you have a few things you’ve learned from taking care of your niece for about two weeks now?”   “Sure. I’ll say something.”   “Just five minutes, if you don’t mind. I know you can talk all day if we let you.”   Daddy smiled and nodded.   Cait frowned and put a finger in her mouth. “Daddy talk all day? He usually just says ‘Now.’ and that’s it.”   Both the Pastor and Daddy laughed but I didn’t get the joke.   Well went to our seats, and then Sean bent do to see me. “If you need, Grandma and Uncle Todd and Aunt Susan there to help you, and of course Ruth and Billy are there. So don’t be scared. I’ll be right up there, by the people that sit in the front.”   “Okay. I’m not scared. I promise.”   We settled, and Ruth gave me a whole pad of paper and Billy gave me these really nice markers. “We asked our dad,” Billy said. “Your Daddy and Grandma could give it to you, but then it wouldn’t be from us.”   Cait hugged them both. “I love it.”   And then she started to draw until she heard them say, “Brother Sean Kinsella will like to talk to us about his journey of taking in family. This message might be good if you are ten years old or older. So, parents, hold your ten year old for a minute. Let them know they are loved and that this message might help them. Hold your thirteen year old, Hold your child who is old enough to understand. Everyone needs these words.”   Cait was now fixed on Daddy. Even Ruth who was younger and not supposed to understand watched. Billy held Cait in his lap. “Your Daddy not here, so you can sit in my lap while he talks.”   Cait looked him in the eye. “I try not peeing in main meet even pants or toilet. It my choice, but I have to not do it yet.”   Billy frowned. “Well, if it happens, I won’t mind. You know that, right?”   “Yeah.”   Daddy started Speaking.   Cait sat very still in Billy’s lap, her hand holding Ruth’s while she watched him approach the mic. He had on his brown suit. He had shaved. His eyes looked right at Eiboline and then at Cait.   “I was against it at first,” Daddy said. How many times have we passed up our chance to show Grace because it was not easy for us, or we had something else planned? How many times did we pass up on a chance to be saved by God?”   Cait looked at Billy. “He’s talking about me?”   “I don’t know, Cait.”   “In April, we get this letter from my wife’s cousin. In April, well, we were settled. We had no need to prove ourselves to anyone. And it seemed, that we almost said that to God, but Maire’s letters kept coming.”   “Hold your little kids, and even your little teenagers, and even your little young men and young women. The world isn’t ready for them. It’s selfish and it’s as ready as you are to take a stranger’s child into your own home….”   Cait looked at Ruth. “Do you get it?”   “No?”   Cait help Ruth’s hand tighter.   “Then, came the day of Delivery. I didn’t know what I’d do when he came. Eiboline, compassionate as you all know her, she wouldn’t let me say no. And well, some of us know that the wife is the real boss. That’s why Church is given to men to organize. Because in truth, you know it’s the women that organize the men in their homes before hand, and I would be lost without Eiboline’s Moral Compass.”   Cait reached for a crayon and started to crawl out of Billy’s lap. She didn’t get it. She wanted to color.   “And then this car shows up at my door, the man gets out and walks over, and puts his foot on my tractor’s tire as if judging me if I was smart enough to take care of the tractor. But he seemed friendly. He was our brother-in-law, and Eiboline had said that there was something about him that was… off.”   “He’s talking about your dad and mom,” Billy told Cait.   Cait shrugged. “I know about them.”   “Six hour trip, he said,” there was a little bit of anger in Daddy’s voice. “Well, I won’t say more on that, but from the moment I saw the child climbing out of the car, I knew she was going to be a challenge. The way she held herself, the way she was so quiet. She wasn’t like other kids….”   He paused. Cait looked back and Billy’s parents were staring at Daddy like they didn’t know him. Did he say something wrong?   “Well, it’s easy to judge people,” Daddy had said after everyone had seemed to hold their breath. “It’s very easy to judge them until you know what they’ve walked through.”   He paused again.   Cait stood up and looked up at Daddy.   “That little angel there, sitting next to the Henderson kids. That little redhead that so many people have judged. Judged harshly. She keeps fighting. She keeps asking people to look at her. And yet, so many people just look away and say something. And do you know what she’s taught me? Unconditional love!”   Cait smiled. Cait wasn’t so sure he didn’t get that backwards.   “Hold your child. How many of us called our kids stupid at sometime? How many of us has told our own kid, someone else’s kid, or even just some young person that they are in trouble for something without even bothering asking why?”   Daddy looked around.   Cait stood on her tiptoes and looked around. The other members were looking around.   “Cait loves her Daddy, her Mommy, and her sisters in Missouri. She loves them with all her heart, but she asks sometimes. Why?”   Daddy looked around. “And all I can say is… Now.”   “I say to all of you holding your kids, your thirteen year olds who were whispering a moment ago, your nine year olds who were playing a moment ago, all of you who saw your big teens whispering a moment ago. You can say two things to them. You can say, God wants you to listen, or you can ask, Why? Not Why as in telling them what they did is not good in the sight of God, but ask them Why they were playing, talking, or moving around. Maybe they will surprise you. Now.”   He bowed his head. “God didn’t make a house to gather the perfect. He made a house to gather the ones who desired to be perfect in his name. He didn’t make a House of people that know what is what, he made a house where we can explore what is what. Now, amen.”   And then he walked back where he sat. That was it? That’s not how most people talk, not even in this church. Daddy was just straight and he said something, but it didn’t teach nothing. Or maybe it did, but it was for everyone to think about and not get an answer from him? That was confusing. Church was supposed to tell you what God wants, but Daddy didn’t tell them what to think. He just told them what God made his house for, and he didn’t say to stop kids from playing, and he didn’t say to let them play either. He made a statement. That’s all he did.   The ghost wasn’t near Daddy. It wasn’t around Billy or Ruth. It wasn’t anywhere.   Cait started to walk out of the main meeting with a lot of questions about what Daddy thought church was because he fully took apart the Jesus that punished people for not looking at a statue of a snake in the desert. He took apart the Jesus that destroyed Ja-roo-salem… or was that Ja-ree-ko? Whatever it was, because they were the wrong people and didn’t help the Josh yu wa spies assept one room on the outside with a red flag… that God just killed them all? That didn’t seem like Daddy’s God at all.   On their up to the children’s Sunday classes, a big kid stopped and tapped Cait on the head. She looked up at this really tall girl.   “I don’t know why my dad did it. I mean, he always thought Mr. Kinsella was a bit of a coo-coo. But at the end, when Mr. Kinsella asked if my dad was just telling me to shush or if he was asking me why, he suddenly put me in his lap! I’m fourteen. I was embarrassed. I was. But then some other parents were doing it, and I wasn’t alone, and then if felt good. I hugged him and he didn’t say shush for the first time in any meeting I can remember.”   Cait looked up at her. She didn’t understand why the girl was telling her this. Then the girl just hugged her. “Welcome to our church.”   Cait looked up at Billy who shrugged.   They walked into Sunday School, and Cait walked over to the Sunday School teacher. “I hope I don’t make it hard in Sunday School today. I have to pee my pants. I can’t tell you why. It not Daddy Sean idea. It’s just me. Daddy says Billy and Ruth take me back to the adults when it pees. I sorry.”   Mrs. Johnson, a smile as she squatted to hear the little shaking scared girl tell her this, and she smiled. “Thank you for letting us know what might happen, Cait. That took a lot of courage, and now we know what to expect, it will most certainly not disrupt us.”   She stood up with a hand on Cait’s shoulder.   “Some of you heard what Cait said. She’s a little confused because it’s hard for a kid to understand when they do something. They know they don’t want to, but it happens. I will not ask for hands. That is a private matter, but think back a couple of years, even now, for some of you. Who it is, it doesn’t matter. How many of you feel or felt sorry because you knew you’d do something you shouldn’t, but you couldn’t stop it? Let’s say you coughed really loud during a school test? Let’s say you slurped your drink because you didn’t notice the liquid getting close to the bottom of the glass? Let’s say you even peed in the bed? None of these things are always your fault. Many times, you don’t plan them at all. They just happen.”   The children around her looked at each other and down at their hands.   “Have you gotten sick on a day you were supposed to go an a family special outing? Have you had to stay home after you promised a friend to help with something because you suddenly got sick? Remember. No finger pointing. The point is that it’s never okay to laugh at what is hard for others unless you are walking with them. Unless you know how hard it is, remember, the first to cast a stone?”   The children smiled.   “Yeah. If you don’t have nothing wrong, then you have a right to throw a stone at a woman who just had a adult feeling, but then most of us wouldn’t have no older brother or sister no more because almost all teenagers do what that woman was almost stoned for.”   The teacher smiled. “You remembered the story?”   “Yeah,” a sixth grader nodded. “Jesus told her to stand up and do it no more, but he told people, if only you can say with pure heart, you never disobeyed a law or a church law.”   “Well, Cait has shared with us a very real fear. Remember today’s Church services and the Pastor’s sermon on Jesus’s compassion. Remember that Cait is one of us, now.”   The fifth graders started to pull her towards their table. “Your friends, Ruth is in fourth, and Billy is in sixth. You can come to our table. You are supposed to be in fifth grade. We won’t let no one pick on you.”   Cait looked for the Ghost, but it wasn’t there.   One of the fifth graders took dangling Kooks, and placed him in her arms. “I’ll help you read the Bible today. We all have trouble with Bible words anyway. They talk funny.”   The Ghost doesn’t know what it can’t see. The Ghost hasn’t been in the service at all. Cait smiled and came up with a new plan. She started to wiggle trying to hold out the last few minutes, even though she wasn’t supposed to, and then when it was almost a pre-pee, she whispered to the fifth graders. “I don’t’ want o pee in class. I’m going to have Billy and Ruth take me in case I wet on the way. My Daddy and Grandma have to change me because… Doctor said to.”   The fifth grader nodded and put Kooks back in her arms. “Take your fear get rid of thingy. We don’t want you to be scared.”   We just made it, and I peed on purpose in my pants but in the toilet. The Ghost won’t know. And I did pee in front of Billy and Ruth, so I was still peeing in front of people. The Ghost doesn’t have to know. Church is like water. The Ghost can’t come in here while the fifth graders are all my friends and then Billy and Ruth won’t let the other kids call me a baby either.   “We should close the stall door to give Cait privacy even if she wants to wet her pants,” Billy told his little sister, Ruth.   “Don’t?” Cait asked. “There’s a Ghost. I don’t think the Ghost will see me peeing if you stay here. If she catches me, my sister in Mysery will potty her pants at church. I was supposed to pee in Sunday School in front of everyone, but the Ghost can’t get in. It’s because you won’t let it. If you close the stall, the Ghost will come back.”   Billy and Ruth looked at each other, and then Ruth walked into the stall while Cait was peeing through her dress, and she took her hand. “No Ghost is coming in here.”   Billy frowned. “That’s why you told everyone you’ll wet your pants in Sunday School? The Ghost told you to pee your pants?”   Cait looked down. “Yeah. It punishes my sisters if I don’t do what it says.”   “You need the Pastor’s help. He helps people who have difficult times with things like that.”   “He does? But you can’t throw demons out of people. That’s only Jesus can do.”   “That’s right. But he can ask Jesus to help you.”   “Father in Mysery says that’s what bad churches make you think with something about cleaning a brain, so they get your money.”   Billy frowned. “I don’t know what that means. I do know that the Pastor goes to people’s homes and talk to them about Jesus and he helps them invite Jesus in. If Jesus is there, bad things can’t stay.”   “Well…, I don’t think this is a Ghost like that. I think it’s a Ghost that is in me. Am I a bad person?”   “No. You are just … A girl that’s having trouble,” Billy frowned. “If did you ever ask a Pastor to help you before?”   “I can’t. It’s bad to do that.”   Cait sighed. “I peed.”   Billy smiled. “Let’s get you to your big people then so they can change your pants, okay?”   “Okay.”   The children walked out of the bathroom to find out the whole fifth grade table was standing in front of the bathroom, and they were actively blocking an older girl from going in.   “You big, you can wait,” one fifth grader was saying.   “Yeah, our scared classmate is in there, and we making sure she not picked on.”   “And no one gets to see her peeing. Only except her friends that took her in to go. She’s having a hard time. So you have to wait.”   “Are you talking about the Kinsella little girl?”   “What if we are? You still not going in.”   “She’s out,” one of the fifth graders frowned. “She’s peed her pants. Let’s take her to get her big people so other people don’t look.”   They gathered around her like sheep and cows do, and she wasn’t the lonely horse anymore that was separated from the other little horses. She had all the other cows around her, with her in the middle, and they moved up the aisle towards the front stopping the adult lesson.   “Sorry,” one of the fifth graders started.   “I’ll say it,” Billy told the fifth graders. “I’m the eldest. I should be the one punished if someone gets in trouble for disrupting them.”   “No one is in trouble, Billy,” The adult Sunday School teacher smiled. “I’m sure you kids have a good reason or your Sunday School teacher would have stopped you.”   “It’s Cait. She needs her big people really bad, and she gets scared of a thing that people can’t understand. She needs her bigs. The Pastor and Mr. Kinsella said kindness and stuff. That’s not fake, right?”   “No, Billy, it’s not.”   Daddy stood up. “I’ll take her. She has had a hard time. Thank you little wonderful souls for taking care of her so she can find us. It’s a scary world she lives in right now.”   The kids smiled and nodded. “We all get scared sometimes,” a fifth grade girl said. “We need to help each other.”   Chapter 82 Out of the Light and Into the World   Daddy took Cait up to the baby room where lots of kids were playing toys, but they were all definitely younger than her youngest sister. Some of them were being changed, some into diapers some into training panties.   Daddy knocked before he entered, and he let Cait go in first. “This is Cait. She has a lot of issues she’s working through. She pees when she gets scared. No one minds if I change her in here, do you? We just need a private corner, and then I’ll take her out as soon as I can.”   “Nonsense,” one of the women who was breastfeeding shook her head. “This room is for everyone with children that need a little help to keep the child’s needs private. You can stay as long as she needs to feel strong again, and you sit with her. We trust you.”   “Thanks.”   He picked Cait up patting her wet bottom and he whispered. “My little Angel!”   He put her down in a corner further from the others. “You don’t have to be watched being changed, hon. You just relax.”   He pulled her wet dress off of her and then pulled down her soaking wet boy panties. No one saw her boy panties. Daddy wrapped them in the dress. Cait would have done that even if they were girl ones. Daddy knew what she wanted.   He cleaned her up as best as he could and then put her medicine on. “Do you want to try the third one yourself?” he asked her.   Cait shook her. “You do it, Daddy,” her voice was barely even a whisper.   She was wearing a pair of jeans and shirt now. And then Daddy picked her up and took her to sit with some of the mothers who were not doing anything private.   “You can play on the floor with the younger kids if you want.”   “That’s not allowed at church.”   “Says who?” Daddy asked. “If it wasn’t allowed, they wouldn’t have kid rooms for kids that need a break after a difficult thing happened to them.”   “I don’t see no other big kids in here. Just babies,” Cait looked down.   “Big kids come in here sometimes for all kinds of reasons, Cait. Sometimes they are having a hard day and can’t stop crying. Sometimes, they are scared because something bad happened in their class and they are scared of judgment, so they come here with a big person to calm down. It’s not just a place for changing your pants. And when they come in here, they are allowed to play with the babies. No one is calling you a baby by letting you play with them, sweetheart.”   “Okay.”   When church ended, Ruth came in the baby room first, and she went directly to Cait and squatted down next to her. “Do you feel okay?”   “Yeah. Daddy just thought it best I stay here the rest of the service. It was almost over anyway.”   “Good. Here. The whole class looked in the Bible, the little kids were helped by sixth graders. Billy helped me.” And she gave me twenty-four cards. Eight from each table of students.   The cards showed their favorite stories or their favorite lines of scripture from the bible on the bottom of the inside, but then they drew a big picture of what it means to them. Ruth’s was the line where God told them to let the children come to him, and she drew me in Jesus’s lap, herself standing next to me with Kooks. I could tell I was one in Jesus’s lap because she drew a line, Kook’s leash, from my shirt to Kooks in her arms. And her brother standing behind her. And she had a puddle under her, not me.   Billy’s line was John 3.16. He wrote it out. For He lov-id the wold so much He gav is own-ly be got ten son. And then he drew a picture of Jesus talking to adults, but Jesus looked like a kid maybe our age.   They were all things about how God loved the men of the world, and some of the fourth graders shared where they who God loved didn’t do everything right. Samson, Daddy said, was punished and killed for disobey. But one Fourth grader showed Samson ask God, that he wants to help God, please help him help God because these people hurt God’s people. And then Got gave back his strong for one last test of faith for him. Someone said that Adam broke the law and ate the fruit, but God still let him have kids. God doesn’t start over after he broke the law God said the law. God said. Still he gave Adam kids.   It was was so different how people read the the Bible this church from Father’s church in Mysery. Maybe Daddy in Mysery just didn’t learn God nice side. Maybe that why he teach us. He want us not to have hard in after we leave his house, so he teach us harsh because world is harsh, and Daddy thinks God is harsh?   Cait sat next to Summerstone in her field with a pad of paper and some markers, the ones she was given that day. She looked up into the sky, and she smiled. “Grainne should know you more. She has a hard time, and she stuck in that other church. That church only teached the punishing, but it never teached the love. Grainne should know you.”   Cait sighed. “What you think, Summerstone? Do you know what I tell Grainne so she doesn’t scared that she pees her pants in field and that she gets her teachers told she pees her pants?”   The baby tasted her hair again.   Cait looked up at him. “Does my hair really taste so good?”   Deer Grainne.   It me, Cait, not cat. I got paypr. I giv U som. Now, you can rite me. Daddy cant say no. Not is paypr. Not Kinsella paypr. My fren giv me. I don’t lik rite.   Then she drew a sky and then she drew Grainne in the field pee down her legs and on the ground. The sun smiled at her. She wrote by the sun. “God is sun, 2. God see, and God hapy U.   She drew Grainne and Clodogh. They were sitting by the little sisters. Grainne’s lap was wet, and Clodogh’s lap was wet. Aoibhe was in Grainne’s lap and Roisin was in Clodagh’s lap. Under it, she wrote. God is hapy. U sho lov sistrs. U teched them lov not doesn’t bad. Lov is. Lov hod Roisin, Clo even Roisin peed. Lov is Grainne hod Aoibhe even Grainne peed. Aoibhe only luv Grainne. Pee lap is jus watr.   Cait then drew Daddy in the field looking up at the gray sky and no sun. His fist in the air at the sky. The corn around him was dead. It was quiet. And she wrote.   This Daddy God. Daddy only see dark. Daddy no get hep frum any. If U hep Daddy, maybe Daddy sees the Sun smile. Maybe Daddy know you truble peed bed or peed pants. I sorry I don’t know befo. U peed pants skool? I luv U and U no teached me pee pants. I don’t know U peed but assept now I know. I sory U peed. You feel beter soon. Okay?”   She sighed and looked it over. It was enough. “I luv my big sisters Grainne and Clo. I sorry Clo pee pants at farm. But plez do it. It feel beter thn gutz in ches and push blater. Luv Clo too. Luv Aoibhe too. Luv Roisin too. Sorry Roisin sleep bed now Cait rul. But okay. Pee bed. Daddy hapy, no Roisin hit. Grainne, 2. Pee bed. No hit.   Luv mittl sis. Cait.   Cait smiled. She didn’t get no help, but she wrote the letter and she used her words, not just pictures. She doesn’t care if Daddy is happy. Grainne… she hoped Grainne was proud of her.   Cait stood up as the sun was setting. “Sorry, Summerstone. I ask Grandma to mail. This letter important for my sisters. I love you, baby.”   Sean noticed that Cait was starting to tear an extra paper from her pad of paper she got.   “What are you doing, Cait?”   “Paper for Grainne to write. It my paper, so Daddy doesn’t mad her to write.”   “Sweetheart, if it’s your paper, you can give it to your sister?”   Cait nodded.   “Don’t tear your pad up, hon. I have some paper I want to give you. You can do anything you want with it, even give it to Grainne if you want.”   “Really?”   “Yes, sweetheart. Really. Ruth and Billy gave that to you with their heart. Don’t tear it all up. Use it normal, and Daddy will give you extra paper for letters so you can Grainne can write.”   “Okay.”   Cait looked up at him. “I wrote it. Not just pictures. See?”   “I see. It looks lovely. Is there anything you need help to spell well enough that Grainne can read it?”   “No. Grainne my sister. She can read it. She always been there from a start. She knows how we feel. Even if she gets the words not understand one time, she can read more and then she will understand. She the first one that said to me, in third grade. She said, I don’t pee my pants because I want. But we hide it anyway because Daddy.”   Cait smiled up at him. “Grainne knew before Daddy and before you and before the doctor knew, that I didn’t do it by my wants.”   “Now,” Daddy picked me up and checked me. I peed. He was supposed to. It was the doctor’s tell him to do it, but I know he also do it because even the doctor doesn’t say, he knows if I go to the bathroom or not. He doesn’t watch for shame, he watches for help.   Chapter 83 The Ghost Trial Is Something   Cait was put on the toilet, and then she was changed into her sleeping clothes, and then put to bed, not in her bed, but insistently in Sean and Eiboline’s bed. “Not tonight,” Sean patted her butt. “Tonight, you let us take care of you like the little gentle soul you are.”   Cait frowned with a finger in her mouth. “I’m not a baby.”   “No,” Sean agreed. “You are not. You are a little girl who is ten years old, who had a nightmare last night, and who had a long day today. You will be babied tonight, then tomorrow, we’ll see how you feel.”   “Okay.”   “Good girl.”   The darkness took a longer time to pull her in this time. It seemed to actually pull at her three times. She resisted the first time by almost opening her eyes—almost. She felt her muscles trying to pull apart in her face. She felt her mouth move. She felt her fingers reaching for someone or something.   The second time, she felt the darkness lay heavily on her eyes so that as much as she willed her face didn’t twitch around her eyes. Now matter how she flinched, she didn’t move her fingers. She was still screaming for the Ghost to leave her alone in her own dreaded darkness.   Finally, the third time, she was back in the court room.   Grainne was in the witness box again. Dan was standing in front of the box but looking right at Cait. Mama’s face was high up over head on a judge’s stand. Kooks was near the judge, taking notes. The Ghost was next to her.   “Pee,” the Ghost told her. “If you don’t, you’ll be in trouble. Mama will know it’s on purpose if you aren’t wet here… that you just pee your pants when you want.”   Cait felt pee running all over her butt and down her legs.   “They’ll put me on the stand this time,” the Ghost whispered.   “Why?”   “I told you to pee in church.”   “I did. I was wet and everything. Witnesses everywhere. The best friends, adults, other younger kids even way younger watched me being changed.”   “Well, they will ask questions. I have to tell the truth.”   “You?” Cait glanced at her sideways. “Do you have to?”   “Yeah.”   Cait frowned. “You didn’t see nothing though.”   The ghost nodded. “And when I tell them that, what are they going to assume? Cait, think!”   Cait looked down. “I came out of Church in different clothes.”   “That’s not proof. It’s specter fi cation.”   “Specter fi cation?”   “I don’t know what it meets. But I know it’s what they call it in court.”   Cait looked back up at Grainne, but somehow, Grainne was different….   Grainne looked a lot younger. Her cheeks were chubby. Her freckles were deeper. Her hair was shiny and a little dirty. Her eyes were wide as she looked around at everything.   “This isn’t school,” she whispered.   Cait frowned.   “Who that girl over there by herself?” Grainne pointed at Cait.   “Have you seen her before?”   “Lots of times.”   “When?”   “I don’t know.”   Dan looked up at Mama who shrugged.   Dan turned the questions in a different direction. “What grade are you in, Grainne?”   “Fourth.”   “And you’ve seen this kid before?”   “Yeah.”   “Do you know why she’s on trial?”   “I don’t know.”   Dan looked at Grainne’s legs. “Tell me, what are you hiding in the back of your panties?”   “Huh?”   “In your panties…. What are you hiding?”   “Not hiding nothing. The teacher, other kids, everyone knows.”   “Well, what is it?”   “Poop.”   “And you are in fourth grade?”   “Yeah?”   “Why did you poop your pants, Grain?” Dan asked.   “For her,” Grainne shrugged.   “For whom? Point, Grainne.”   Grainne pointed at Cait.   “What do you mean for her?”   “So she wouldn’t get in trouble for peeing. And for Clo my other sister, so she wouldn’t be in trouble.”   “For both of your sisters?”   “Is that girl my sister?”   “She’s a few years older, but yes, Grainne. That’s your middle sister, Cait.”   “Cait’s in like… first grade! That can’t be Cait!”   “It is. If you didn’t know who she was, why did you start pooping your pants in fourth grade?”   “I don’t know. I was told she’d be hurt though, and I… I though she….”   The dream ended abruptly. Cait’s eyes shot open and she looked around. The room was dark. It wasn’t morning that interrupted it. Her pants were wet… she didn’t have to go. She didn’t know what interrupted it, but what she did notice, was the ghost wasn’t there.   Cait was between her big people, her safe people, and the bed was really wet. She must have turned and turned a hundred times. Both her big people’s places had pee near them Did she pee her pants more than once in her dream?   She looked back to the dark window. Both of the bigs were sleeping. She didn’t want to wake them. They spend a lot of time taking care for her and making sure she’s safe, and clean, and doesn’t wear poop. She wanted them to sleep. Quiet and careful. Cait crawled through her pee and to the end of the bed. She moved slow so they didn’t notice her missing and she put a pillow by Daddy’s arm, and it hugged it. She smiled. Daddy hugs me even when I sleep and pee.   She quietly padded her little feet to the door. It wasn’t pulled shut. She pushed it quietly and it opened without a sound. She looked back. Still, they sleeping. Good. She walked out and pulled the door just to. And then she got her paper from her room and went to the kitchen table.   The clock on the wall was little hand four and big hand two. It was really early, but Daddy get up soon. Daddy gets up four and big hand is six or four-thirty is what the big people say.   She turned on the living room light, the furthest light from the stairs, so she didn’t wake them.   “You’re up, early!”   Cait jumped.   “Don’t you recognize Clo’s voice?” The Ghost taunted her.   “You did it wrong.”   “Whatever you want to tell yourself. What are you going to write to Grainne about?”   “I’m not telling. You want to take a bath?”   The Ghost disappeared.   Cait opened the pad of paper.   Dear Grainne.   Not lucky two letters in same. I woke up 4 and big hand is two. I get thinked because of bad dreaming. I be membered a bad thing. But then. I don’t know it is even right. How can Kooks or Ghost know? So. This is hard to ask you and more scary you answer. I don’t scared you answer, but you scared to tell me. You maybe protect but now, if I don’t know, I going to not know anything. I hate ask this. I feel it lie. But I have to know you feel even I ask even you don’t answer, and I sorry. I scared. Grainne, if you did what I be membered…. If I know you did…. I can understand it. If you not dude it, then I can call it liar. I told you the ghost!   Cait frowned, not sure how to continue this letter. If she tells Grainne that Grainne pooted her pants when she was second, or third, or fourth, or fifth or sixth grade, she was going to be mad like a cow doesn’t let you touch before it gives birth. If it lies, Grainne might be mad and not write her. If it truth. If it truth maybe she scared to write Cait. What could she say to get her sister to answer with truth?   “You aren’t sure now,” A voice startled her.   The quick shivers turned into heated anger, her head burning in a big exblosib bowl can no blow up. “I said I’ll take a bath. You want to take a bath?”   “No one is awake. You’ll get in trouble.”   Cait got up from her chair.   “I be lieb Daddy only say bad or he take something. He doesn’t belt with it hit me. So I don’t scared his mad.”   Cait sat back at the table and opened her pad again. “If you want to taunt me, then tell me how old Grainne really was the first time she pooted her panties.”   “You wouldn’t believe me. Besides, that’s what you are writing about.”   “Cow yard!” Cait challenged it.   “Me? A coward? Look who’s shaking and who peed the bed just because maybe Grainne did poop her pants before it had anything to do with you at all?”   “Your court judgy thing said she pooted in second or third or….”   “You talk too much,” it cut Cait off. “You talk like a baby. Big kids know how to say it right.”   “Fine. I am a baby. Now, are you cow yard?”   The Ghost stared Cait in the eye.   “Grainne is a bigger baby than you are,” The ghost got a wicked smile. “She poops her panties every day on purpose, just because it’s easier.”   “Liar!” Cait retorted. “She never did it everyday. I sawed her on the toilet and sometimes pooped on the toilet. You don’t pooted more than one a day. Everyone in fourth grade know that.”   “Do they?” The ghost smirked at her. “Tell me again how Cait was so upset she pooped on the toilet and then thirty minutes later pooped her little baby girl panties in front of her class?”   Cait put her thumb in her mouth. “So?”   “You were in second grade. Don’t you remember?”   “I be membered.”   “Then what is this that you don’t poop more than once a day?”   “You don’t.”   “You did.”   Cait looked down. Her thumb was being scraped on by her teeth.   The clock’s long hand moved from the four to the five. Cait sat in the dim light, glaring at the ghost. She didn’t see the hand moving. She didn’t hear any steps walking down the stairs and towards the kitchen. Then the light flipped on flooding the room in light and the ghost seemed to have just melted away or something. It was gone.   “There you are, sweetheart,” Grandma walked over and out her arms around Cait’s chest from behind. “Did you get scared when you saw the wet bed?”   Cait shrugged. “Daddy said I allowed.”   “And you are. I’m just trying to figure out why our little one crawled out of bed in wet pajama pants when we told you that we need to change you as soon as possible when you pee.”   “You sleeping. If I my own bed, you don’t know and let me sleep, right?”   Grandma smiled. “Clever child. Of course we’d let you sleep.”   “Why I can’t let you. It wasn’t four thirty. I can read four thirty. It was just four and then two.”   “Well, hon, we are not the ones that are suffering a sickness that can hurt us. And we are your parents by law as long as the paper is effective that your Father out in Mysery sighed.”   “What mean if fec tib?”   “It means that as long as the paper is true, which is until December. And it say swe are your parents until then or we do the job of your parents.”   “But if you be like my parents, then that means I have right to be like you my Grandma, too. And if I let my mama sleep, why I don’t let my grandma sleep?”   Eiboline smiled and giggled. “Cait! You are impossible. You know that! Right! But impossible.”   Cait smiled.   “Anyway, I didn’t just go down because I peed. I rited Grainne.”   “I thought you already have a letter for her.”   “I had that dream again. The one with the dark room like a questioning room for the secret law people to see you did bad. Assept it make Mama face very light in light it mama and she judge. And it maked Father is asking Grainne. And it make Grainne like second and third and fourth and fifth and sixth grade and I don’t know which one. Grainne pooped her pants. Daddy told her to say what you hide in your panties? Grainne said she pooped. But I don’t think she pooted that little. I think Ghost lied it.”   “Are you trying to ask Grainne when she first pooped in her pants or had a peeing accident?”   “Yeah.”   “Cait, I think that’s the trick your inner ghost is trying to do to you. If you write that letter to your sister, she might get really upset that you are trying to shame her. You know she loves you.”   Cait frowned. “So I bad if I send the letter?”   “No, Cait,” Eiboline sighed. “But just because it doesn’t make you wrong, doesn’t mean it’s the best or kindest thing to do.”   Cait felt hot tears rolling down her face.   “But the ghost lying. I just need big sister to tell me so I don’t going crazy scared. The ghost has to be lying. It says Grainne pooteds more than two a day, and once in her panties on purpose.”   Eiboline frowned. “We could ask your mom, instead.”   “That two reasons I can’t.”   Eiboline sat down and motioned for Cait to get in her lap. Cait was still wet. “What two reasons do you have that you can’t ask your mom something that would upset Grainne?”   “I think she get in trouble. I think mama even more mad her if I tell-telled her. I don’t think Mama knows. I think Grainne doesn’t know Daddy knows, but Daddy knows… not Sean-Daddy. Mean-Daddy.”   The Thumb was being scrapped again by her teeth.   “I don’t be member the real age. The ghost said she so young, it not for me that she did it. But that can’t be. Grainne not do that on purpose. She yucked out when I told her to do it this summer. She don’t pooted her pants before. Not like that little!”   Cait’s tears slid faster down her cheeks.   “The lighted questioning place told Grainne why she do it. Grainne pointed me, but Grainne little. Really little. She is second and third and fourth and fifth grade, but I don’t know which one. And she point me. But Daddy asked to protect your little sister? But the dream says she doesn’t know me. She said her little sister is only first grade. But that means she littler. But she still protected me. I don’t think it truth. I think dream is lying.”   “Cait, if this happened a long time ago, how would your mom hurt Grainne now for it, and why would your dad punish her for something that is long past?”   Cait shrugged. “I don’t think it’s belt thing. Mommy letter. You read it. She says I pee my pants because I want to, and I can easily stop it. I doing it for something, and I just bad. That letter, yesterday. That where mama said Cait smarter than she act. That part mama thinks…. It hurt more. It hurt more than a belt on fire! What if she did that Grainne?”   “What if Grandma were to write directly to Grainne?” Eiboline asked.   “Daddy will read it. You mama’s sister. He no right to read mama mail. But you send it Grainne, and he has right to read it.”   “Do you think he’s reading your letters to your sister.”   Cait shrugged. “Of course. But daddy knows when the time I be member is confuse. He knows the day she pooped her pants. I don’t be member why he knows. I just be member that Grainne thought no one saw, but I saw Daddy watch her hide it. I didn’t know it pooted panties then. But I know now. I just know the ghost told story wrong in dream. I know it wrong.”   Eiboline sighed. “There is no law against an adult checking a letter to their kid. It’s that way on purpose because good parents would protect their kids with a law like that. But you are right. If Dan is reading her letters….”   Daddy came into the room. “What is all this seriousness before my coffee?” he asked. “I can’t think straight without my coffee.”   Cait gave him a look that caused Sean to stop and look down. “Now.”   “The Ghost is hurting Grainne and Clo and Roisin and Aoibhe,” Cait whispered. “And last night, it showed me it hurt Grainne, but only the be members have to be wrong. That it doesn’t fit. It like a puzzle smashed on a fist to fit because it wrong piece, but it made fit.”   “Cait? I have an idea. What if we were to go up to Missouri again, just you and me and maybe a friend, and we take your big sisters out for some fun with your friend? Your dad can go to a place with two hockey sticks for all I care, but Sean would be happy to make sure the chores got done so Daddy wasn’t mad at them.”   “You mean go visit?”   “You’ll have to be brave. We need to get some stuff done first, but maybe in July. Would that be okay?”   “I just hope Daddy not hurting Grainne, and the Ghost hurting her.”   “Remember the deal he made? He knows that punishing your sister for what was agreed on… them wetting while doing chores is in his best interest not to punish. I don’t think he’s hurting them for that.”   “Okay. But what means a place with two hockey sticks?”   “Don’t worry about it, love.”   “Doesn’t Grainne have a Birthday in July?”   “Yeah? July 10th.”   Eiboline looked to Sean. What do you think? You and maybe Arnold go and work that man’s farm for a day, and let Arnold’s boys work our farm in July, so Cait can spend a happy birthday with her elder sister and have Clo with us and maybe you can watch the two young uns for Maire so she gets a break, too?”   “I think we just need to make sure Arnold and his boys are on board. But… if the boys are doing the farm, you’ll have to let their mother in your kitchen.”   “She can have the kitchen from the day we leave until the morning after we return as long as she hands it back the same way she found it.”   “I’m sure she will. Now.”   Eiboline laughed. “Yeah, I know she will. You know. It’s just it’s my kitchen. Like your farm, Sean. You know if it were anyone but Arnold, you’d be watching them like a hawk if they tried to help.”   “You’re not lying about that.”   “Well, Cait, if we let you bring one friend with you, provided their parents let them go, who would you like to support you?”   “Can it be a brother and sister?”   “No, Cait, only one.”   “Oh, well Bringing Ruth doesn’t work without Billy and bringing Billy alone is just weird. Oh, I know!” Cait screamed and clapped her hands. “And he will even be less scary for Grainne because he’s her age, and he does it, too!”   “What are you saying, Cait?” Sean asked.   “Shane! He’s about Grainne’s age. He pees his pants when he’s nervous like when he’s late, and he’s looking out for me like Grainne does. They can share stories, and maybe she’ll just accidentally tell him.”   Sean lifted her off of Eiboline’s lap. “It’s time you got out of those wet things, but I don’t think you should leave your questions to chance. We may not get another trip until December. You want it answered, Cait.”   Cait frowned.   “However, you could maybe share your concerns with your peer buddy. If he knows what is bothering you and you tell him everything you can about it, if he does come, then he could tell your sister how bothered you are, and maybe he’d offer to ask.”   “You think he would?”   “I don’t know him, Cait, but even if he didn’t, he wouldn’t judge when you talked to Grainne and might help be the peacemaker if it gets awkward… if he’s okay telling people.”   “He tells our group.”   “He with friends, there, Cait. You have to talk to him before you just invite him for something like this. He might get hurt, too, that you’d use him like that if he’s not comfortable outside the group. Look, you have a couple of weeks. Just talk to him. If it doesn’t work out, you can just take Ruth, you know.”   “Alright.”   Cait got an evil look in her eye, and she tapped the tips of her fingers like she’s seen Dr. Claw in Inspector Gadget as she said… “Perfect. Now, for Ghost! Ghost! You hear me? You can come and bother me now. Only I’m going to the bathroom to get in the bath!”   For some strange reason, the Ghost didn’t bother her!   A while later, Cait was in jeans and a short sleeve shirt and eating breakfast at the table. “You know what’s funny? Ghost is scared of water, but maybe if she took a bath, she wouldn’t look and smell like pee all the time, and maybe it would make her more pretty.”   Sean and Eiboline frowned a moment. “Well,” Sean offered. “Mean things like that often don’t like clean things, either.”   “They don’t?”   Cait nodded. “That’s why she only comes out after I am going pre-pee or pooping. Because I not clean then.”   That wasn’t reely right. The gost comes in her drems befor she wet the bed, but she didn’t think when she said it. It was just a passed thout.   Cait did a few of the things she does in the morning. She fed the animals always starting with Summerstone of course, and she got water with Eiboline, and finally, she was brushing Summerstone’s coat.   “You know what, Summerstone? If I fair to everyone who helping me, I can’t choose who to bring with me. But I guess that’s why you have best friends and regular friends. When it’s a choice, it’s easier if you have a best friend and a friend, but that friend has other friends and you know?”   Summerstone did that horse lip vibrate that people spit when they do it.   “I can’t take you. You don’t fit in the car. You would be first, for sure. Grainne would love you!”   Summerstone shook his mane and tasted Cait’s hair—again.   “You really like the taste of my hair. I should find a way to make your grass taste like that.”   Chapter 84 The Spin   Cait had Kooks in her lap in the car, dressed in rough and tumble wear, farm clothes, the most comfortable style. She had a bag in the car next to her, two extra pairs of jeans and two extra skirts and several panties. It also had three extra shirts and undershirts. Grandma explained as she had packed them before leaving the house.   “We need to keep you clean, Cait. That might mean changing your pants at the truck while you are at the park. It will mean Uncle and Auntie stopping you every ninety minutes because kids at play don’t notice little stuff like wet pants when they are used to them. We change you, and then we send you to play. Your friends, Ruth and Billy, they’ll understand, right?”   “Yeah.”   So I held Kooks.   “You gonna see your sister for her birthday,” Kooks told me.   “Yeah. I hope she doesn’t get mad.”   “Be member how you said to Sean-Daddy that he doesn’t need to re-pell your letters because Grainne gets you?”   “Yeah?”   “You could trust that Grainne gets you. You could just ask her and tell her that you’re scared and you asking because your be members got mixed up and you afraid you hurt her.”   “She wood not think I saying it for mean things?”   “Why wood she think that?”   “Becuz. The Ghost different her, but the Ghost. She still there. She still tells her things.”   Speak of it… The Ghost was sitting next to me in her peed in dirty dress, but she had that younger Grainne face on it.   “You lying. Grainne didn’t poop her pants in second….”   “Did I say she pooped her pants in second grade?”   “In the fake court room dream….”   “That’s not MY court room, Cait. That’s yours!”   Cait stared hard at the Ghost. It was a moment before she put her finger in her mouth. “How that my court room? I the one being pointed at.”   “Cait, Cait, Cait. You are judging everyone else. You see their fingers at you because that’s what you want to see. But who is on the stand admitting she had poop in her panties? Who is watching the court, and looking down at you, and who is telling you the faults of not you… but your sisters? You are the one telling on everyone else. That’s why I am next to you?”   “How you know you are next to me?”   The Ghost became quiet.   Kooks frowned at the Ghost. “That’s your doing. Cait’s court room would have had me next to her.”   The Ghost smiled. “Think so? How many things you chomp of for her lately?” and then the ghost just-a-dis-a-bisibled.   “The Ghost is wrong, Cait. That courtroom is trying hurt you and trying to make you not be member right. That why finding out from Grainne.”   “Yeah.”   Ruth came running up to the car even before the Kinsellas stopped.   “You’re here!” Ruth hugged her as she got out of the car.   “Yeah,” Cait looked down. “Um… this is a hard question, but do you start to pee your pants after you met me?”   Ruth looked up at her. “What?”   “Your pants, Do you pee in them at night in your sleep or sometimes when you didn’t use to?”   “No? Why do you think that?”   “Kooks says the Ghost is wrong. But I was in the courtroom dream last night.”   “Courtroom dream?”   “Yeah. Grainne might have started to poop her pants because of me.”   “But that’s a dream, Cait. It doesn’t real like the Ghost and Kooks.” The Ghost and Kooks are real. But the dream… it’s just scary and a dream. It doesn’t have any real in it. Tell her Billy!”   Billy had been there for the end of that, because he hadn’t run. Cait wasn’t sure why he didn’t run. He smelled funny. Not going to the potty funny, but like man’s nice smell funny.   He hugged her. “Ruth gets funny dreams sometimes, and she pees the bed when she gets them. She’s wet the bed though since she was a baby. You didn’t start anything.”   Ruth hit Billy playfully in the arm. “Telling all our friends I pee the bed now?”   “No. Just Cait. Cait understands so she wouldn’t tell anyone, and you heard her. We let her know it happens and she didn’t cause it, that way she knows. Right? We’re her friends.”   “Then I can tell her you peed your pants last year?”   “Go ahead.”   “Really?”   “She’s our friend. I don’t care. Mom and dad even said it was not something that I have to hide, but it is up to me who knows. Go ahead.”   Cait frowned. “You were in fifth grade last year.”   “So… fifth graders can pee their pants sometimes?”   “Well, we don’t go telling everyone when it happens. It’s not something that doesn’t draw people looking at you. You know that, even in fourth grade.”   “Yeah.”   “But I did. I was at the hospital and didn’t know where the bathroom was. Ruth was being seen by a doctor, and Mom was with her and I was by myself and waiting in the waiting room. I got up and looked down to each side of the hall, but I didn’t see it. So I sat back down. When they came to get me, I had peed.”   “But that’s not your fault?” “That’s what my mom and dad said, too. I’m just saying Cait, when it’s not your fault, like when you are sick, no one has a right to turn that into a joke. And if you are so hurt from doing it from being sick that you want to do it on purpose sometimes… sometimes you can only take so much hurt, and want to do something. Just to show you have say so.”   Cait looked down.   “At the hospital. It was a little bit on purpose. I got mad because no one showed me the bathroom and they were gone a while, so I peed… on purpose. I didn’t want to hold it for who knows how long. I had to hold it before, and it’s really scary when it goes on accident, right?”   Cait nodded. “Yeah. It is.”   “So…. I thought if I’m going to do it, then I’m choosing to do it right now, while I don’t see no other big kids around. And I peed em on purpose. I told myself I’ll just say I sat in something or spilled something if someone asks. If they don’t see….”   “Yeah. I did that before,” Cait nodded. “It’s better to let someone think it got spilled on you than you did something bad.”   “So, I knew you’d understand. You won’t tell none of the kids going into fifth or sixth grade what happened to me?”   “No. That’s your own Ghost. I already have to fight my own Ghost.”   After a group hug, they ran off to meet the other kids there, and they started to play on the slides and making up a story about being on the ship. To make it fair, they called Kooks the captain, and each person talked to Kooks like he was real and told them what to do. Cait didn’t speak for him.   Suddenly, their ship could fly, then it could go into a clouds were dreams were. And they picked up some Care Bears.   Cait’s first check was flustering, but she told Billy to hold Kooks and not to run around. She trusted him. She trusted Ruth, too, but Ruth was in fourth grade.   “You should lead the others still letting Kooks be captain,” Cait told Ruth. “They’ll think the game is over if I take him, and if you hold him, they’ll stop the game because no one is doing what he says.”   “Yeah, we can do that, Right Billy?”   Cait smiled and ran over to her guardians.   “Where’s Kooks?” Grandma asked.   “Billy watching him for me. He’s the biggest kid, so no one is going to take Kooks from him.”   “I see. Well, let’s check you over, hon.”   “I peed.”   “Alright. Change inside the car?”   “Yeah… please?”   As Cait laid in the car letting Grandma clean her off and put medicine her, she smiled. It wasn’t not comfortable, not really. It was actually better. She was getting the itch-the-ditches stopping, and she was clean, and her friends were still playing. It was better than playing in peed in pants.   “Grandma?”   “Yes, Cait.”   “I gonna pee my pants on purpose and come and get you as soon as I can stop. Okay? Next time? Billy said something. But no one is allowed to know, so I can’t tell you what. But I like the same thing. I like doing it because I want to, and not something making me do it.”   “Sweetheart.” Grandma sighed. “The doctors wants you to pee on purpose, sooner if you can when you feel it. It’s so we don’t hurt inside more. I thought you knew you were supposed to do it on purpose, for now.”   “Even poop?’   Grandma shook her head. “Only pee, Cait. You don’t need to tell me if you poop on purpose or not. Just let me clean it up before it hurts your skin, okay?”   “Okay.   Grandma Eiboline touched Cait’s nose and she whispered. “Naughty girl,” but she was smiling. “I don’t want to hear about how you are going potty in your pants on purpose until you are fully comfortable on the inside of your body and your skin isn’t irritated any more from being wet or being itching, Angel.”   “Okay.”   “I’m not saying you won’t sometimes just want to show who is in control, but that’s just it, I’n’t it?” Grandma patted her back when she had no panties on. “It’s not wrong to want to be in control of your own body and what your own body does and when. It’s sometimes not healthy, but we can talk about that, when things are better.”   Cain smiled and nodded.   When she came back to the others, Billy had her Kooks. She knew he would. “Some of the kids went home,” Billy told her. “Their moms. So now Ruth and some of the other girls or over there. Do you want to join them?”   “What did Ruth say about me coming over there.”   “She said she wants you to come over, but she said you might be mad she didn’t keep the game going, so asked me to stay with you if you were mad.”   “Mad she can’t control other people’s mommies?” Cait looked up into his eyes.   “Some of her friends get mad when that happens.”   “You for not be membering that my Daddy is one of the ones that prob bab ably gets me all the time too eerly for others. I not mad about other mommies or Ruth can’t stop them.”   “You are in sixth grade,” Cait told Billy.   “Will be,” he nodded in agreement and looked at her like he was wondering what this was about.   “In two weeks, we going to go talk to the mean-Daddy, but not really to see him, but to talk to my sisters. I have a private question that a letter to our house can’t be private about. I know who I want to ask for coming with me, but he might say no, or his mom might say no. I never met his mom, yet.”   “Huh?”   “Grandma says I can bring someone with me… a friend… to help me talk to my sister. It’s a scary thing to ask her, but you said you peed on purpose at the hospital, even.”   Billy frowned. “Yeah?”   “What if my sister did it on purpose, but her reason was different. You wouldn’t be mean.”   “No? I wouldn’t.”   “I don’t even know if she did. But that’s why I need to ask. Ghost keeps saying I be member she did, but the be member is wrong.”   “Okay….”   “And if she does be member, it really important who hears her say she wanted to do it. In case she wanted to.”   “So, you want someone that can help her not be scared?”   “Yeah. She my big sister and she tries very really a big lot hard to keep all of us little sisters okay. She bigger girl than you. But she trying too hard to keep us safe. I think she too much. I think she started to pee the bed from too much.”   Billy hugged Cait. “You think your sister wets the bed because she’s always trying too hard? You think her own ghost is causing her to wet the bed?”   “I… I don’t know if it’s her ghost. I think she’s choosing it. I will have my other older sister at home and my two baby sisters. And she trying to keep them not scared. And she has to do hard farm stuff with my other older sister who has to pee her pants outside, now. Not they want. But no toilet out there, and they apposed to be working. You don’t tell them I told you?”   “No, Cait. That’s your ghost, like you said my hospital thing is my ghost. I won’t say anything to anyone that you tell me you want to have be keep quiet about. I’m your friend. We can share secrets.”   “That’s why… If this boy who is my playgroup friend can’t come… he’s Grainne’s age, and he understands stuff. If he can’t come, I can’t take you both and You and Ruth because Grandma says. Ruth is nice, but she’s younger than me. Grainne won’t think she understands. But you sixth grade. She knows you know better.”   “So, she might see me pee my pants?” Billy frowned.   Cait looked down. “I don’t want her to see, and I don’t want you to see if she does. I just want you to accidentally on purpose hear us talk, and when she gets scared, you can maybe tell her you did it before because you wanted, and that maybe it will make her less scared?”   “I see. You saying you trust me so much, you think I can help your sister?”   Cait nodded. “You and Ruth neffer said I bad, and I pooted on your sister’s hands one day.”   “You aren’t bad, Cait. You have some trouble. And everyone has trouble. If this bigger friend can’t come, you can ask my mom if I can come. I’ll help you with your sisters.”   Cait hugged him.   “Do you look at me and effer think… ‘I want to take off wet clothes from her?’”   Billy’s face went really red. “I never thought that.”   Cait smiled though. Yes, he did.   “I like you, too, you know. But I don’t want you to see me when I peed. I mean, sometimes you hold me, but you not really seeing, right? You just holding me. I like you and I don’t want you think I just baby.”   Billy nodded. “I’d never think you were a baby.”   Cait put a finger in her mouth and looked down. “For really”   “For really. We’re almost the same age. I don’t see a baby when I look at you.”   “I’m your sister’s friend.”   “So? And I see you as Ruthie’s friend. But I see a struggling girl that is old enough play big kid games like me, who just needs a little help. Besides, Babies don’t know how to hold it. They always pee on purpose, not because they want to, but because they don’t know what they are doing. You know, and you struggle with it, and that makes you not a baby.”