Cloth Diapers & Panties

Just this very morning, after doffing my bedtime diaper and pjs, I found myself standing naked at the closet door. Like that proverbial donkey torn between food and water, about to die from thirst and starvation, I couldn't decide. Do I put on a fresh diaper, or take a break and get some underwear. Honestly, I stood there for almost two minutes. I'd come to grips with the idea that I'll never give up this fetish completely, but I've gotten to the point where I don't 'binge & purge' anymore. If I feel some shame and want to stop for a while, I stop. But I keep my things put away and just enjoy living. Then when I feel a 'tickle' in the back of my balls... I open up the box of things, take out a diaper and plastic pants and ....  well, you know. Enjoy being a little "mama's boy" For me, I let the pendulum swing back and forth a bit, but I don't let it fly off the clock into outer space any more. If I feel like wearing under my clothes in public, I do just that. Or not. I've resigned myself that this is who I am. Maybe life could be better, but it could always be worse. And I've learned that I just don't give a damn what others think. I'm a good person overall and enjoy myself. P.S. I'll leave it to your imagination what I decided this morning...  

Time

Sorry folks for the long delay. It turns out "Writer's block" is a real thing. But I think I have a path going forward and a few more chapters to finish this up. Then it'll be time for something new. Chapter 34 Not everyone's cup of tea, and sh** happens. It was awkward, walking down the stairs. My cock was deflating and still gentle cradled in my diaper, but my bottom… My bottom felt each wiggle of my hips as I took each step. I knew I wouldn’t mess in my diaper, but it felt a little like that was exactly what I was doing. Mommy had beaten me down the stairs of course and was in the laundry. She handed me a duster and some furniture polish saying, “Be a dear and dust in the living room and dining room while I clean in the kitchen.” Just like this? While I’m… I took the supplies from her but didn’t move. She gently turned me around and thumped my bottom and said, “Come on, be my little helper, it’s cleaning day.” The thump nudged at the invader in my bottom. Cleaning day…. Mommy’s little helper… Does this mean each Sunday she’s going to…. To clean out her little boy too??? I walked slowly, taking small steps. I dusted as she asked, while I heard her emptying the dishwasher. As long as I took it slow, I managed okay. When I reached over the table to wipe it down though, I felt like something was about to… about to escape. I straightened back up and put my hand back there. My fingers pressed a little against my diaper, right between my cheeks. Nope, still right there. It just felt like it was coming out. After dusting the furniture, I went to the kitchen to tell Mommy, “I did the dusting Mommy.” She was on her knees, reaching under the cabinet for something. She looked up and smiled. “Thank you sweetie. Go ahead and put that back in the laundry,” she said as she put the big slow-cooker on the counter. I did as she said, then returned to the kitchen to find her chopping vegetables. When she saw me, she winked and said, “Good Boy! Now I need you to sit right there where Mommy can keep an eye on you.” I turned to look where she was pointing but was confused. There was no chair or stool. When I looked back at her, she waved the knife in her hand a little, adding, “On the floor sweetie. And no playing with mister peepee. There will be time for that later.” I felt my lip quiver a little. She was certainly in ‘Mommy mode’ and I knew if I DID try to masturbate just now, I don’t think I could get two drops out. She had drained me that thoroughly. At first I just got on my hands and knees, then I twisted a little and rocked back onto my heels. I was trying my darnedest NOT to put any pressure against my bottom and the invader that was holding my sphincter open. “I said… SIT!!!” I looked up to see Mommy glaring at me. Before I could respond she added, “Or I’ll get the spoon and give you a reason not to…” I squirmed and shifted, gently lowering my bottom to the floor as she stared at me. The pressure pushed against the plug and once again I felt pressure against my prostate from inside. Mommy was watching and when I had my knees apart in front of me, all my weight on my bottom, she resumed peeling potatoes. I wasn’t comfortable. I shifted a couple times trying to get more comfortable but each time I moved, I was reminded of… I whimpered a couple of times and suddenly Mommy put down the knife she was using and walked out of the kitchen. As she left she said, “Back in a second…” When she reappeared, she bent forward and said simply, “Open.” She had a pacifier in her hand and was gently pushing it to my lips. I opened my mouth and immediately started sucking on it. Mommy smiled a little and ran her fingers over my hair once as she spoke, “There, that will help the little crybaby feel better.” Crybaby… there it is again. She must have heard my whimpering. Am I being unreasonable? Whining about sitting on a butt plug that feels like it’s the size of an eggplant? Strange as it seemed, the pacifier did help. I was able to behave for Mommy and sit still while she sliced the meat, apparently it was going to be lamb stew. … Finally she twiddled the dial on the slow-cooker and was wiping off the counter and chopping board. Then I watched as she got the milk from the refrigerator and finally a large baby bottle. As she filled it, she spoke again, “Is my little boy getting thirsty? Why don’t you crawl into the living room and Mommy will bring you your baba.” I hesitated but then gingerly rolled to one side and got onto all fours. As I started to crawl, the back and forth of my thighs wiggled the plug back and forth inside of me. It felt like the tip of it was wiping back and forth against my inside. Is this why she said to crawl? She knew what it would do? Just as I reached the carpet in the living room, her hand playfully thumped my bottom as she passed by me. She strode across the room effortlessly to the couch, while I gingerly crawled, one careful movement at a time. As I got closer, she place a throw pillow on her lap and patted it, saying, “Right up here sweetie, come get your baba. You look so cute like this.” I moved carefully and soon I was laying on my back, head in her lap as I looked into her eyes. She smiled at me as she tugged out my pacifier only to replace it with the nipple of the bottle before I could even say a word. As I started to suckle, she held the bottle and her free hand brushed through my hair. “I know it’s not the most comfortable thing sweetie, but if I’m ever going to peg you with a strapon, you have to get used to having something back there,” she said rather casually. With the bottle in my mouth, all I could manage to mumble was, “sap on???” “Yes sweetie, it’s called ‘pegging’ and some day I might do it to you,” she went on. Then she continued, “It’s sort of the ultimate submission and humiliation thing. Taking it up the ass. Lots of guys try to have anal with girls, but it goes both ways you know.” I felt my lips pouting, but when I stopped sucking, Mommy wiggled the bottle and said, “Keep sucking sweetie, or do you want to suck that dildo? I’ll have to wash it off of course. Is that what you want?” I blushed bright red and resumed sucking on the bottle’s nipple. Now with a lot more enthusiasm. Mommy winked and whispered, “That’s a good boy.” She was quiet for a minute, so I closed my eyes and suckled, trying not to think about what it would be like, bent over the bed, or a chair, having her behind me and… and doing that. My bottom clenched reflexively at the thought of it, but that just reminded me of what was back there even now. She shifted a little and I felt the bottle move as she switched hands. Then the hand that had been holding the bottle was gripping the front of my diaper. I whimpered a little as my legs spread apart for her. Her hand gripped and rubbed a bit and then I heard her voice, “Not all that hard? The idea of Mommy taking little Tammy’s virginity not very exciting?” I blushed as she kept rubbing, my cock couldn’t help but get a little stiff for her. “Well, you’ve been so easy and trainable in other things, maybe you’ll warm up to the idea,” she whispered. Then she was quiet for a bit, but her hand continued to rub and make my diaper crinkle. When I had finished the bottle, she stopped to take it from my lips and replaced it with the pacifier. Her hands gently nudged as she whispered, “Let’s go to the bedroom sweetie, then after you fuck me, we can take a nap.” … She led the way and I gingerly climbed back up those stairs. But for once in my life, I failed. I climbed between her legs and tried to grind against her. But when her hand reached inside my diaper to pull me out, I was soft. She tried to help, she pushed down my diaper and gripped my bare bottom, whispering, “Do a good job and you can have Mommy’s titties to suck… would baby like that?” Then she kissed my ear and I felt her shifting as she worked her top up high enough to expose her breasts. I sucked harder on my pacifier when I saw them, her fingers gently playing with one. Her hand reached down between us, and I suddenly saw disappointment in her eyes. But she didn’t scold me, her hand reached and cupped my bottom. Her finger touched the invader back there and tickled it a few times. She had wanted me to ‘fuck her brains out’ as she put it, and I was a complete failure. Finally, she gently pushed me off her and she got up on her knees on the bed. Rolling me onto my back, she tore the tapes off the diaper and tossed it on the floor. She said gently, “Pull up your legs and hug your knees darling.” I did as she said and I felt her fingers pulling on the plug. When my body’s reflexes kicked in, she whispered, “Just relax sweetheart… let it go…. That’s a good boy…” Suddenly it was out and she jumped off the bed saying, “Don’t move now… stay just like that.” It felt strange after I had been stretched open a couple of hours, but Mommy was back in a flash with a fresh diaper. Then another. I felt her hands guiding my legs back down and just like that I was double-diapered and she was crawling up to lay on me, her arms hugging my face to her chest. I felt her lips kissing my hair as she whispered, “It’s okay sweetie. I probably just put to much pressure on you. It happens to guys at times.” I nodded a little but finally managed to admit to her, “N…not to me. It… It’s never… I’m… I’m sorry…” When I said the ‘s’ word, she hugged me tighter and whispered, “Shh.. shhh… it’s OKAY… don’t think about it. Nothing you need to apologize for. Understand? It’s nothing you did wrong. It’s just something that happens. It’ll be fine. Trust me.” It really was the first time my cock had let me down like this. I mean, sure there were times when I was younger that things went too fast, but that was different. This time I didn’t have a ‘misfire’, it was a complete ‘dud’. But Mommy was here, she was holding me and I felt safe in her arms. As we lay there, soon I got the impression she had fallen asleep. So I just lay quietly against her. The double-thick padding between my legs made it difficult to lay on my side against her. Then I lifted my leg and straddled her thigh to get comfortable and finally dozed off. … Her getting out of bed woke me up. When I peeked open an eye, she was adjusting her top and then she brushed her hair. I quickly closed my eye again when she started to turn back towards me. I felt her lips brush against my cheek in a kiss and then heard her footsteps skipping down the stairs. She doesn’t SEEM to be disappointed. But I’m not sure. Should I try to talk to her about it? Or… Or pretend it never happened. But it did happen. I rolled onto my back and put my hand between my legs. With the double layer, I could barely feel things. My hand felt just a bulky padding and when I rubbed, my cock felt just a gentle massage. Having lain on my side and back, I felt a little squeeze against my balls. Without hardly thinking, like any guy would do, I reached inside and pulled them forward and up a little to get comfortable. And since my hand was already in there, I decided to adjust the position of my cock a little. Women… I’ve heard them complain sometimes about their ‘girls’ and wearing a bra. But guys, we sometimes need to ‘adjust’ things too. I mean you know… when they get pushed the wrong way or… As I thought about it, my fingers absentmindedly started to play and my legs spread wider. Without really thinking, I was doing the thing that Mommy has always said was, ‘perfectly natural for little boys to do…’ Then I realized, Well, there’s nothing actually wrong with the plumbing… it wasn’t any physical issue. With two diapers, it was a bit more… constricting, but my hand was soon positioned just right and my beans where gently bobbing against the padding. Maybe I should stop… Save myself for… for Mommy. But then… I need to know if I can… It’s probably silly macho man thinking but… I kept at it. My other hand reached under the pillows and found my pacifier. I popped it into my mouth and sucked as I closed my eyes. Mommy’s little boy… yes… feel how hard it is…. Playing with my peepee…. Mommy says it’s okay… Mommy puts me in … in diapers cuz I’m just a widdle….Mommy’s titties….. Being her little boy… that made me harder. Then the thought that she might be mad for me doing this after…. She might get the spoon…. UGGHHHH!!!!!! The thought of being put over her lap for a spanking; it pushed me over the edge. I felt what little cum I had regenerated spurt over my fingers. I spit out my pacifier as I gasped for breath. I lay there quietly for a few seconds. Then I felt the mattress shift and I jerked open my eyes. Mommy was sitting on the edge of the bed smiling at me. I felt my face turn every shade of red as she leaned down to kiss my cheek. As she straightened back up, she spoke softly, “Everything in working order? Did my little boy have fun playing with mister peepee?” I nodded a little and tried to wipe my fingers as best I could on the inside of my diaper before pulling my hand out. “How did you know? Was I making that much noise?” I asked. She reached towards the nightstand next to me and picked up my phone. She showed it to me, apparently it had an open phone call to ‘Mommy’. She tapped it to hang up as she said, “I was listening in. I didn’t want you to be alone, but I knew you might want to be alone for a little while.” I was still confused, alone but not alone? I had failed her earlier, yet she let me… play with my peepee? “Are you mad at me?” I asked. She put my phone back on the nightstand and looked at me for a moment. Then she slowly shook her head, “No sweetie… I’m not mad. I’m not mad that you couldn’t get it up and fuck me. And I’m not mad that despite that, you just made ickies playing with yourself.” She leaned down and kissed my cheek again, then explained, “If anything, it was my fault. I tried something new and…. Apparently… it didn’t do a thing for your libido. You may look cute in a dress, and you enjoy when I tease you, but it’s pretty clear you don’t enjoy anal and you aren’t interested in taking it up the ass.” I tried to shrug it off and whispered, “I do still love you though… Can we just… just do what we had been doing?” She smiled and her hand caressed my cheek, “You mean you being my little baby and Mommy keeping you in diapers? Does this mean you DON’T want me to help you get back your potty-training? Remember yesterday? You wet yourself and couldn’t even help it?” I felt my cheeks blushing again. But for once, I didn’t have to be prodded as I said, “Yes Mommy, I just want to be your little one. I… I’m your little baby… not…. Not that other stuff.” Then I looked away and said, “And… and if I disappoint you… anytime… anywhere. If you think I deserve it…” Okay, I couldn’t quite bring myself to say it. I hoped the phrase ‘anytime, anywhere’ would be enough for her to understand. I felt her bend towards me in a hug and she whispered, “Yes sweetie, I’ll even spank you if I think you deserve it. I know it helps you get over feelings of guilt. And it helps you be a good boy for me.” She held me for a moment and then sat up again. She wiped her eye as she said, “Now… come help Mommy set the table for dinner and we can watch a little tv until it’s ready.” … So that’s just what we did. I waddled a little more than usual, but then we had dinner, did the dishes, and settled in to watch her game shows. During a commercial she mentioned, “Work tomorrow, another weekend gone.” I nodded as the ‘real world’ came flooding back in. I knew she was right of course as I said, “Yeah, and a video meeting in the morning.” Thinking about work and web development, brought another project back into mind. I asked, “Have you decided if I’m going to finish Miss Beth’s project?” She was quiet for a minute, then said, “I haven’t decided. What do you think? Can we trust her not to rip your balls off?” I squirmed and put my hand between my legs out of reflex. Then I tried to be non-committal, “Well, it hurt like hell. But she did stop. When I said ‘Denver’. And you told her to never do it again.” I could feel her nodding her head as I lay against her shoulder. Her voice was unsure, “True. But still, the thought of her hurting you. Maybe after Friday’s party, I’ll decide after that.” I had forgotten about the party. Mommy had told Miss Beth she was bringing little ‘Tammy’. That meant I’d be wearing a dress and be her ‘little girl’ for the evening. And meeting other people that are into this whole ‘scene’. My hand squeezed and I felt my cock twitch. I started to ask her a question, “Mommy? Did…” “Shh… the shows back on. We can talk later darling,” was her response. I fell silent and cuddled with her. True to her word though, as soon as the final puzzle was over, she turned off the tv, kissed my hair and asked, “Now, what did you want to ask me?” I thought for a moment and took a breath. Then I just came right out and asked, “Mommy, will I be able to wear one of my new dresses?” I felt her arm give me a little squeeze as she said, “I certainly hope so. They should be here either tomorrow or Tuesday. Are you looking forward to wearing one? If they don’t show up, I can always borrow something for Tammy to wear.” All I could do was nod. Even with Mommy, it’s still hard to come out and say things sometimes. Say just how much fun it is for me and how much I enjoy it. But with Mommy, I don’t have to say much. Mommy knows. After a quiet moment she asked, “Now, can Mommy ask you something?” I nodded and whispered, “Yes.” She moved her arm from around me and gently pushed me to sit up. She held my chin in her hand as I felt myself melting in the gaze of those eyes. She spoke gently, as any Mommy would to her darling little boy as she asked, “Do you think you can do something for me? Can you give Mommy some special kisses? Make Mommy’s kitty all happy and have me cum?” I nodded solemnly. Erectile dysfunction or not, I should have offered that to her earlier. I looked into those eyes, framed by that beautiful black hair and whispered, “Yes Mommy, anything for you.” Soon I was doing just that for Mommy. We went to the bedroom and I watched her undress, then knelt between her legs and did my very best to make her climax twice. She didn’t say a word as I put my hand into my diaper again as I kept my tongue busy. When I finally felt her hand gripping my hair for a third time, grinding her pussy into my face, I spent myself in my diaper. As I climbed up alongside her, she set the alarm and we fell asleep holding each other. To Be Continued.

I’ve been wearing diapers full-time for over 10 years, and it’s hard for me to describe. They feel so normal that I don’t really notice them anymore. They’ve become a part of me. Often, I can’t even tell whether they’re already wet or still dry.   I travel a lot and have gotten used to the extra luggage. I always carry extra trash bags because in many hotels the bins are too small. But in everyday life, there’s simply always a diaper, and I can’t really put that into words. It’s hard for me to imagine what it would be like without this kind of specialized underwear.

Boston area!