Small things a vanilla partner can do for an ABDL?

[Bel George]

I have a question for DLs with a vanilla partner.

I myself am a diaper lover, happily married for many years to a very vanilla woman.  She knows that I like wearing diapers after I told her about it when we knew each other for a few months.  She found it difficult to understand or accept.
At my request, we went to a sex therapist to try to get a better understanding of each other's feelings and specifically the fact that I wear diapers and what that means to me.  
We can finally talk about it without arguing, which is huge progress.  
My wife keeps asking me what I expect from her.  I have so many desires, but I want to involve her very slowly.  

Some basic things she could do for me are and that I am planning to teel her when she repeats that question:
- asking me to put on a diaper when we are home alone
- preparing a diaper for me when I get out of the shower and come into the bedroom
- pat me on the butt when I'm in diapers
- cuddling in bed while wearing a diaper

Are there more of these little things I could ask for?  I don't expect her to do all of those, but I would like to give her ideas that she can choose from. 
What does your vanilla partner do in that regard?  What would you want your partner to do?  I'm looking for small and easy things that she  hopefully can be comfortable with.

[Snugglebear_69]

It's really a very individual thing that needs to be negotiated between adults. Things one person's partner may feel are fine may be too far for another. Consider what you want and then share them with your partner. It isn't so much what a vanilla partner can do for an ABDL person but more what you want and what your partner is open to doing.

[Bel George]

I know, but I'm not expecting her to come up with ideas if her own, not yet. The things I already wrote are what I am going to suggest, and then hope there is at least 1 thing that she would be willing to try. There are probably other couples with a bit more experience in this regard that want to share some of that. At least, I hope so.

[ValentinesStuff]

Consider what non diaper things you would like her to do, and see if you can add a diaper to that.

 

Also look at what she already likes to do and see if you can do that with a diaper.

[Dartplayerinwvc]

EXPECT ZERO - get back a small thing here n there ON OCCASION... Never ask for "the treasure" but get it one piece at a time

[rusty pins]

I read something from Tommy at DPF years ago and it makes sense.  Others have mentioned the same thing.  If your wife or S.O. does participate now and then, even if it's what you consider minor, you have to reciprocate by doing something special for her.  It could be anything from buying flowers, cooking a special fancy dinner, going (God forbid) to the opera with her or some special treat.  When you in turn show your appreciation for their small acceptance or participation in your AB/DL lifestyle, you really need to show your appreciation.  If you do, you may find your partner participating more and more.

[Young1]

@OAB-Need2Pee may be an interesting topic for ya..... 

[Dartplayerinwvc]

2 hours ago, rusty pins said:

I read something from Tommy at DPF years ago and it makes sense.  Others have mentioned the same thing.  If your wife or S.O. does participate now and then, even if it's what you consider minor, you have to reciprocate by doing something special for her.  It could be anything from buying flowers, cooking a special fancy dinner, going (God forbid) to the opera with her or some special treat.  When you in turn show your appreciation for their small acceptance or participation in your AB/DL lifestyle, you really need to show your appreciation.  If you do, you may find your partner participating more and more.

DITTO - DON"T overdo it.... hitting the gas on a ONESIDED fetish is the same as a car in a trainwreck - ONE WINS ALWAYS.... and it's not the car

[Little Sherri]

Yup, I agree with @rusty pinsas well. Figure out what she wants from life and what she wants to do, and give those things some attention, and if she's a sympathetic human being, she'll likely try to reciprocate those sentiments, and maybe you can gently steer some of that in the direction you want to go in. Not to use too much of a pun, but, the term "baby steps" comes to mind. She might never want to plaster your butt with ointment, wrap you in a diaper, and then breastfeed you to sleep, but maybe she'd be willing to choose your diaper for you when you're taking her out to a movie she wants to see, or maybe she'll roll her eyes but not object when you pack diapers for that weekend away, or she'll be cool with you washing the dishes in just a diaper, because, hey, you're washing the dishes. 

I'm married to a very vanilla partner, and I've been wearing diapers 24/7 for a bit over 4 years now. It's a delicate armistice to navigate. She'll crack a joke at my expense or give me a droll look if the topic comes up - I remember her watching a baking show where they were taking about the quality of a square someone had made, and the judge said "Nobody appreciates a soggy bottom...", and she looked over at me as if to say "You do." She has picked out diapers for me before, but usually only because I'm coming home late and she doesn't want me to go searching around in our room for one, so she'll toss one on the bathroom counter and text "I put your PJ's in the bathroom" to me before she goes to bed. Once when I had to travel unexpectedly due to a medical emergency a geographically distant relative was faced with, she even packed about a dozen diapers into a suitcase with some clothing for me. They were all the wrong diapers - I would have brought something different - but I did NOT complain. I wore the diapers she packed for me. 

I try to give her what she wants from life as much as I can - the trips she wants to take, time with her friends, stuff for the house, etc - and I get to wear diapers all the time. 

Be watchful for signs that you're pushing her too far, too fast, and just be grateful for any ground you manage to get. I know that my wife is not ever going to put a diaper on me (unless I have a stroke or something), but, I appreciate that I can sit on the bed with her and watch TV wearing just a diaper, and that she might crack a joke, but, she hasn't kicked me out of the house. Yet, anyway. 

[Mindylou]

I am a diaper lover with a vanilla husband. He has gotten used to it over the years and he cuddles me in bed, pats my diapered bottom, tapes up my night time diaper (I have it situated and pulled into position) and puts on my plastic pants. He has only totally changed me once (wet only, middle of the night leaky). I'm thankful for what he does and don't expect much more. Your SO will come around eventually. Just don't hide and act normal. 

[Bel George]

Hi @Mindylou,

Your answer has me hopeful.
Thank you for indicating what your partner does for you in this area. Small acts like this would already make me very happy and grateful. 

[Dartplayerinwvc]

19 hours ago, Mindylou said:

I am a diaper lover with a vanilla husband. He has gotten used to it over the years and he cuddles me in bed, pats my diapered bottom, tapes up my night time diaper (I have it situated and pulled into position) and puts on my plastic pants. He has only totally changed me once (wet only, middle of the night leaky). I'm thankful for what he does and don't expect much more. Your SO will come around eventually. Just don't hide and act normal. 

Wow.... Wish I was your husband.... Nice post

[2sail2]

On 8/12/2023 at 5:54 PM, rusty pins said:

I read something from Tommy at DPF years ago and it makes sense.  Others have mentioned the same thing.  If your wife or S.O. does participate now and then, even if it's what you consider minor, you have to reciprocate by doing something special for her.  It could be anything from buying flowers, cooking a special fancy dinner, going (God forbid) to the opera with her or some special treat.  When you in turn show your appreciation for their small acceptance or participation in your AB/DL lifestyle, you really need to show your appreciation.  If you do, you may find your partner participating more and more.

My wife likes back scratching and rubbing or light massaging.  Probably, number 1 is foot rubbing when she is in bed and I am standing up to do it.

[fixitboy]

Never let your diapers replace your partner.   I have gotten very good at giving my wife oral when diapered.   My wife told me she felt like a bit of a peido  because she would get excited when im diapered in baby clothing giving her oral.  But she come to like that part.   

[Bel George]

9 hours ago, fixitboy said:

 I have gotten very good at giving my wife oral when diapered. 

We both enjoy it when I give my wife oral sex.  I have never done this while wearing a diaper, because it is mixing wearing diapers and having sex.  My wife is till very uncomfortable when she sees me wearing a diaper, and this decreases her desire for sex.  However, I could suggest it as one of the options for things we can try.

I would consider this not a "small thing" though, but more intermediate or even advanced.  I suppose starting with smaller and easier things (easier for her) is preferable if I ever want to be able to experience these kind of intermediate or more advanced things (things like her putting me in a diaper, allowing/forcing me to wear a diaper in the house uncovered, having sex while wearing a diaper, ...).

Thanks for your input.

[diapered charles]

On 8/11/2023 at 4:42 AM, Bel George said:

I have a question for DLs with a vanilla partner.

I myself am a diaper lover, happily married for many years to a very vanilla woman.  She knows that I like wearing diapers after I told her about it when we knew each other for a few months.  She found it difficult to understand or accept.
At my request, we went to a sex therapist to try to get a better understanding of each other's feelings and specifically the fact that I wear diapers and what that means to me.  
We can finally talk about it without arguing, which is huge progress.  
My wife keeps asking me what I expect from her.  I have so many desires, but I want to involve her very slowly.  

Some basic things she could do for me are and that I am planning to teel her when she repeats that question:
- asking me to put on a diaper when we are home alone
- preparing a diaper for me when I get out of the shower and come into the bedroom
- pat me on the butt when I'm in diapers
- cuddling in bed while wearing a diaper

Are there more of these little things I could ask for?  I don't expect her to do all of those, but I would like to give her ideas that she can choose from. 
What does your vanilla partner do in that regard?  What would you want your partner to do?  I'm looking for small and easy things that she  hopefully can be comfortable with.

Pushing things farther could be a mistake. Her being aware and accepting is a huge step. Many here never get that far.

 

 

[Bel George]

1 hour ago, diapered charles said:

Pushing things farther could be a mistake. Her being aware and accepting is a huge step. Many here never get that far.

Thanks for you input.

I know that making her do things against her wishes is a bad idea.  I have been in a romantic relationship with my wife for more than 30 years, and this "diaper thing" was known all that time, tolerated but not accepted.  However, my desires are not going away, on the contrary.

That is why I have contacted a sexologist to assist us in being able to talk about diapers without ending with a fight.  That is possible now and it already a huge improvement.  

Her asking me what I want her to do is something that came up during these talks, but I don't want to rush the more "advanced" stuff like changing wet (or messy) diapers.  I would be very happy if we could find small things that she can do to show me that she is aware of my desire and to show me that she is okay with it,

Actually, just yesterday we discussed a few of the things I mentioned initially.  Now it's up to her to find out for herself which of those things she wants to give a try or not.  Or we can just keep talking about it from time to time, as a way to get more comfortable with this desire.

[diapered charles]

On 8/27/2023 at 5:36 AM, Bel George said:

Thanks for you input.

I know that making her do things against her wishes is a bad idea.  I have been in a romantic relationship with my wife for more than 30 years, and this "diaper thing" was known all that time, tolerated but not accepted.  However, my desires are not going away, on the contrary.

That is why I have contacted a sexologist to assist us in being able to talk about diapers without ending with a fight.  That is possible now and it already a huge improvement.  

Her asking me what I want her to do is something that came up during these talks, but I don't want to rush the more "advanced" stuff like changing wet (or messy) diapers.  I would be very happy if we could find small things that she can do to show me that she is aware of my desire and to show me that she is okay with it,

Actually, just yesterday we discussed a few of the things I mentioned initially.  Now it's up to her to find out for herself which of those things she wants to give a try or not.  Or we can just keep talking about it from time to time, as a way to get more comfortable with this desire.

I bow to you. You seem to be doing this the correct way. I am so glad you have involved a professional therapist. I honestly have nothing else to offer because your situation is so unique!, but I do hope to learn from it. Please keep me, I mean us updated! 😆

[notababy]

3 and 4 in your list seem “easier” for her than 1 & 2, so start there.  From pats to snuggles.  Maybe snuggles go somewhere else.  Maybe not… but reassure her with touch that she’s what you want, the diaper just amplified your feelings.

[babybuddha]

On 8/11/2023 at 9:42 AM, Bel George said:

I have a question for DLs with a vanilla partner.

I myself am a diaper lover, happily married for many years to a very vanilla woman.  She knows that I like wearing diapers after I told her about it when we knew each other for a few months.  She found it difficult to understand or accept.
At my request, we went to a sex therapist to try to get a better understanding of each other's feelings and specifically the fact that I wear diapers and what that means to me.  
We can finally talk about it without arguing, which is huge progress.  
My wife keeps asking me what I expect from her.  I have so many desires, but I want to involve her very slowly.  

Some basic things she could do for me are and that I am planning to teel her when she repeats that question:
- asking me to put on a diaper when we are home alone
- preparing a diaper for me when I get out of the shower and come into the bedroom
- pat me on the butt when I'm in diapers
- cuddling in bed while wearing a diaper

Are there more of these little things I could ask for?  I don't expect her to do all of those, but I would like to give her ideas that she can choose from. 
What does your vanilla partner do in that regard?  What would you want your partner to do?  I'm looking for small and easy things that she  hopefully can be comfortable with.

Hey there!

First off, kudos to both of you for making such great strides in understanding and accepting each other's feelings. Open communication is key in any relationship, especially when navigating topics that might be unfamiliar or outside of one's comfort zone.

In response to your question about little things you can ask of your partner, I think the ideas you've listed are a great starting point. They're intimate without being overly demanding, which should make it easier for her to potentially adjust and become more involved in a way that's comfortable for her.

Here are a few more ideas that might help her get more accustomed to your DL side:

1. Choosing Diapers: Maybe she could help you pick out which diaper to wear from time to time. It can be as simple as asking her opinion on which brand or design you should go with for the night.
2. Compliments: It might be nice if she acknowledged when you're wearing a diaper with simple affirmations, like "You look cute in that diaper" or "That diaper suits you."
3. Nightly Routine: If you both have a nightly routine, perhaps she could remind you to get diapered up before bedtime, making it a part of the routine.
4. Helping Hand: Occasionally, she might be willing to help you fasten or adjust your diaper, even if it's just fixing the tapes.
5. Incorporate Into Playtime: If you both have intimate moments or playtime, consider asking her to incorporate your diapers into that. It could be as simple as her asking you to wear a specific diaper or incorporating light role-play elements that involve your DL side.

It's important to remember that these suggestions are just that – suggestions. Everyone's comfort levels are different, and it's crucial to keep an open dialogue about how both of you are feeling.

As for what other DLs with vanilla partners experience, every relationship dynamic is unique. Some might have partners who've embraced the DL side wholeheartedly, while others might have partners who simply respect it but choose not to participate actively. In any case, the foundation should always be mutual respect and understanding.

Best of luck in your journey together! Remember, baby steps (no pun intended) can lead to big strides over time!

[Bel George]

15 hours ago, notababy said:

3 and 4 in your list seem “easier” for her than 1 & 2, so start there.  From pats to snuggles.

We have talked about it.  I think 3 (pats on the diaper) wil lbe easier for her than 4 (cuddling while I'm wearing a diaper).  ABout that last one, she was very clear that for her this was more "advanced" and not "basic".  

I guess it is different for everyone, that's why I was asking for more ideas.  

It's not easy for her to find something to show her acceptance without feeling uncomfortable.

10 hours ago, babybuddha said:

Here are a few more ideas that might help her get more accustomed to your DL side:

1. Choosing Diapers: Maybe she could help you pick out which diaper to wear from time to time. It can be as simple as asking her opinion on which brand or design you should go with for the night.
2. Compliments: It might be nice if she acknowledged when you're wearing a diaper with simple affirmations, like "You look cute in that diaper" or "That diaper suits you."
3. Nightly Routine: If you both have a nightly routine, perhaps she could remind you to get diapered up before bedtime, making it a part of the routine.
4. Helping Hand: Occasionally, she might be willing to help you fasten or adjust your diaper, even if it's just fixing the tapes.
5. Incorporate Into Playtime: If you both have intimate moments or playtime, consider asking her to incorporate your diapers into that. It could be as simple as her asking you to wear a specific diaper or incorporating light role-play elements that involve your DL side.

Thank you for those suggestions.  I do think these are more intermediate or advanced, and I hope she will be able to do those things sometime in the future.

[Moochie]

Expect nothing and express gratitude for what you receive and reciprocate kindness and affection. If your wife asks again what you expect you might consider telling her that she has already given her love and that is all you need from her, whatever else she chooses to do with diapers is a gift, a pat on your diapered bottom, honey, are you wet? Do you need changed.? oh oh, did you mess your diaper?

[Bel George]

20 hours ago, Moochie said:

Expect nothing and express gratitude for what you receive and reciprocate kindness and affection.

I'm not quite sure how to take your message.

At first I thought you meant this in general, but in a long-term relationship you're allowed to have expectations, right?

But when it comes to wearing and using diapers, I can kind of understand. My partner should not do anything special against her will.

On the other hand, this desire is very important to me, and I have talked about it from very early in our relationship (30+ years ago). Then I can expect my partner to make some effort to at least understand my desires. And once that is the case, I can hope that she is willing to show that she accepts this.  Showing it through small actions like these that I had in mind.

The things you are suggesting (Are you wet? Do you need changed? Did you mess your diaper?) are, in my opinion, already quite advanced expectations, as they are not just about wearing a (dry and clean) diaper, but because they are responses to its use. If she ever gets around to interacting with me and my diapers in this way, she will even exceed my expectations.

[Snugglebear_69]

I think it's very important to make the distinction between acceptance and participation. What you are describing isn't acceptance but us rather participation. Acceptance does not mean your partner will have anything to do with your diaper wearing. Acceptance would mean not making any disparaging comments. Making positive comments, asking you to put on a diaper, patting your bum or explicitly acknowledging your diaper wearing would, on the very minor end to be sure, fall into active participation.

There are a lot of folks who try to frame acceptance as laying out a diaper at night, or a positive comment or similar actions. Those would all again be participation on a low level.

It's very important to be clear on what you want from a partner or spouse and not to confuse these two concepts as they are most certainly not the same. If you are asking them to do things you are seeking participation, not merely acceptance.

[Bel George]

12 hours ago, Snugglebear_69 said:

I think it's very important to make the distinction between acceptance and participation. What you are describing isn't acceptance but us rather participation.

I suppose there are multiple ways to define "acceptance".

In Dr. Rhoda's book "You're Not Broken" there is a chapter for the partner of an ABDL with a few paragraphs about "approval, acceptance, tolerance and acknowledgment", acceptance is defined like this:

Acceptance is about your ability to show your partner that you are truly okay and comfortable with this side of them by your words, actions, facial expressions, and body language. In these early stages, they will be paying close attention to all the ways you communicate your acceptance of them and especially this side of them. You will need to do more than tell them you accept their AB/DL side; you also must show them. Often acceptance will include having more of a role and involvement with your partner, even if it is not as much as they may want or desire. Acceptance means you are not resentful and can give to them freely.

( Lipscomb, Rhoda. You're Not Broken: Dr. Rhoda's Guide to Strong Self Worth for AB/DLs (pp. 184-185). Red Quill Press. Kindle Edition. )

 

What I actually want is to feel accepted as a DL by my wife.  To feel accepted, some minimal form of involvement or participation is required, even if only verbally.  Without that, it feels more like tolerance, a very different thing.