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    • So during the past 12 hours, I eat: One pizza 5 teaspoon of psyllium 150 grammes of prunes and still have half a liter of prunes juice to drink before going into the bed. I'm expecting a big mess tomorrow.
    • I somewhat reprised my mid-pandemic medical scan experience this week, although I approached it from a different headspace. To recap what happened to me in, I think it was 2020 or 2021 - I'd have to go back and look for it to confirm the date, but it's not important - I went to a large downtown teaching hospital that was in the throws of the pandemic, for a follow-up MRI. I had had several of them before, and was well-versed in the process, but this was to be my first attempt at it, as a person who wears diapers fulltime, and also my first time doing it during a global pandemic, two conditions which would intersect hilariously, in moments. I chose a white, relatively small (size medium) diaper, but not a teeny one, because I would have to wear it all the way downtown, through the scan, and all the way back home again. It was an InControl Elite Hybrid - the closest analogy today would probably be their BeDry EliteCare, so, not a giant diaper, but a real one. However, back then, I could fit in a medium or a large, and I went medium, to keep things as compact as possible.  However, due to pandemic protocols and, at that point, nobody really knowing what they needed to do to prevent the spread of it - remember washing your groceries? - they had switched to handing out bagged, disposable paper gowns. I dutifully put one on in a dim cubicle, over my diaper, and then ventured out into a waiting room that was lit up like an airport lounge, and that's when I realized that the gown was semi-transparent, and my stark white diaper was glowing underneath it. One of the techs ran over to me with a second gown to put on. Everything went fine after that, and nothing was said, but I had a bit of low-grade PTSD from realizing I'd been walking around in front of 20 or so strangers, apparently obviously in a diaper.  Later, I rationalized that it was a hospital, so nobody in the patient category is looking exactly dapper, and diapers were far from unheard of, and anyway, I had a mask on, and would never see those people again, in all likelihood, nor them me, so... it amounted to a shrug, but a cautionary one.  Since then, I've had a couple more scans, just routine follow-ups, and I've always worn diapers. They'd gone back to their regular gowns by the time I was there again, and the glowing diaper phenomenon did not recur. I would wear a quiet, medium-weight product, and the world would be none-the-wiser.  Well, this time, I was expecting the latter experience, and not the former, so I went in an XL Active Air, a quiet but capable, white diaper of medium weight. However, the bin full of clean gowns had weird gowns in it; all hospital gowns can be described as "weird", because they are designed to humiliate and to fit and fasten like no other garment, so most people are inexpert, at best, in putting on and wearing them, and the internet is full of images of hospital gown "fails". But these ones were particularly vexing, because there is usually a lower and an upper tie, on both sides, with sufficient material to be "one size fits all". However, the upper tie on these ones was on one side, and it was supposed to engage with a stubby string at the back of the neck that was hard to reach. Once I had it on, it pulled the material draping over my lower half away, so that it tended to want to open at the back, which is something nobody wanted to see. The solution was to tighten the lower tie a bit - but that gave me the distinct silhouette of, well, a man wearing a diaper under a hospital gown. Putting a second gown over it might have helped a bit, in providing more draping material - but there were signs that said, "Pregnancy & cardiac scans, place gown closures at the front - you may wear a second gown, reversed, if necessary. MRI & CT - closure goes to the back, please only wear ONE gown." I wasn't pregnant, nor there for an echocardiogram - I was just a pudgy guy wearing a diaper. I thought about just wearing two gowns - I can think of nothing in the physics of magnetic resonance imaging that renders them less precise with another layer of clothing, and in fact, they MRI mummies under 5000 years of linen and pitch. So a second layer of cheap cotton... not likely an issue, but I didn't want to end up in a conversation with someone about how many gowns I had on, and why... "Well, I'm wearing a diaper, so..." I tugged and I pulled at my gown in the mirror, but under certain strains and drags that inevitably occur during locomotion, sitting down, getting up, and climbing onto, and off of a table, there were "diaper lines" produced, for anyone paying attention. Which I judged to be practically nobody, anyway, so I just decided to throw my concerns into the psychological recycle bin, and continue forth with my "I wear diapers because I need to and it's fine" approach to living, and I exited the changeroom and made my way over to the waiting area. Sure enough, there were about 8 people there in gowns, plus of smattering of people not in gowns, including one older gentleman who had to outweigh me by 100 lbs, who was wearing just one gown, and a few women of various sizes in one gown, and then one pregnant lady, in two.  I was shuffled from the main, large waiting room, to a smaller, sub-waiting room, eventually, and then into a chair within the inner sanctum, where a lady started an IV, and I had to practice my "dress-wearing" protocol, on which I am singularly unskilled, and not flash my Huggies at anyone, in my cheeky mid-thigh blue polka dot gown. I'm pretty sure that the poor tech who put the knee rest under my knees, when I was reclined on the table, probably saw some Active Air when he added, and removed the prop, but judging by the company I was keeping in the waiting room, he has seen much worse.  Having had my hydrogen atoms realigned for a bit, I dismounted the table, doing my best "gown control" in the process, and made my way back to the changing area. As I pulled jeans on, I felt relief in finally being completely discreet again, but at the same time, I reflected that I was really much less anxious than I would have been, seven years ago, in that situation. 
    • CHAPTER 17 Sara woke up to find the pillow next to her empty. She blinked her sleepy eyes and looked at the indentation left in the gray pillow. The bedding smelled of Anna, but the sheets on her side were cool—Anna had been awake for some time already. Sara lay still under the blanket for a moment, listening to the sounds of her home. From the kitchen came the steady murmur of the coffee maker and occasional soft footsteps—so soft that Sara could barely hear them. As if Anna was trying not to wake her. Sara sat up and smiled. The kisses from the day before still tingled on her cheeks and lips. She had kissed Anna at the fair, in the elevator, on the sofa, and in bed—and every kiss had felt a little better than the last. Everything felt both ready and completely unfinished at the same time. Sara glanced down. Her thick night diaper was wet, heavy, and warm. It felt so comfortable that she didn't want to take it off right away. Instead, she got up and walked barefoot toward the kitchen. She was wearing only the diaper and a short white T-shirt. Anna stood by the stove, her back to Sara. She was wearing a light gray tank top and black sweatpants. Her hair was adorably messy, and on her cheek there was still a faint imprint from the wrinkled pillowcase. Sara paused in the doorway. The light of the new morning streamed through the kitchen window, painting Anna's figure golden. Sara watched her quietly—she looked stronger and more vibrant than in the previous days, but her shoulders were tense. Sara walked up behind her without a word. She wrapped her arms around Anna's waist, pressed her cheek against her back, and closed her eyes. Anna didn't turn around, but she reached her arm back and touched Sara's sides under her shirt. Her fingers were warm, and they rested on Sara's skin for a moment. "You woke up," Anna said quietly. "I woke up." "Did you sleep well?" "Yeah," Sara lied. She hadn't actually slept very well—she had woken up at least twice during the night. But that wasn't important now. Anna finished making a four-egg omelet and lifted the pan off the stove. Then she turned to Sara and immediately noticed that the girl had come to her in a wet diaper. This was the first time since they had parted when Sara fled from Sydänsalo Farm. Sara and Anna looked into each other's eyes. The sunlight fell on Anna's face, and Sara found faint lines on her forehead that hadn't been there at the beginning of the summer. She raised her hand to Anna's cheek and touched it gently. "I love you," Sara said quietly, a slight morning hoarseness in her voice. Anna's lips trembled. She tried to say something, but the words wouldn't come. "You can't know that," she finally whispered. "Yes, I can. I know." "I'm so broken, Sara. I'm not the same person I was." "No, you're not," Sara admitted. "And neither am I. But I still love you." Anna said nothing. She just stared at Sara from head to toe, trying to control the storm raging inside her skull. Finally, she took a chair from the kitchen table and sat down to gather her strength. Sara carefully climbed into Anna's lap and wrapped her arms around her shoulders. Anna could surely feel the bulky diaper pressing against her thighs, but Sara wasn't embarrassed at all. Diapers were now a part of Sara, and Anna knew that better than anyone. "I want to be your little one," Sara said directly. "Sometimes. When we both want it. And you can take care of me like a child, if you want." "I do want to. But I don't know if I can anymore. What if I become a monster," Anna replied hesitantly, the words feeling as difficult as swallowing barbed wire. "I know you would never hurt me." "How can you be so sure?" "Because you're afraid of it. Liisa was never afraid." Anna swallowed. Her hands rose carefully to Sara's back, not yet stroking, but holding. "What if I don't know how?" "You do know. You've always known." "What if I do something wrong?" "Then I'll tell you. And you'll listen." Anna looked at Sara for a long time. The girl sat in her lap, bare and trusting, and clearly wasn't going anywhere. Anna nodded, and then a brief, meaningful smile flashed across her face. "You're so… brave." "I'm not brave. I'm just in love." Anna burst into both tears and laughter at the same time. She pressed her head against Sara's neck and let the cleansing tears come. But there weren't many needed, because Anna gradually began to realize again just how cute a little girl she was holding in her arms. "Guess what?" Anna asked suddenly, a hint of playfulness in her voice. "What?" "Here we go," Anna announced and quickly rose to her feet, still holding Sara in her arms. The girl shrieked as Anna carried her to the bed so lightly that Sara felt like she was almost flying. ***** Sara and Anna kissed on the lumpy bed, coffee and omelet left forgotten in the kitchen to cool. Sara had curled up in Anna's warm arms, her wet night diaper pushing her bent legs apart. Anna stroked her back under her shirt, her fingers traveling along her spine and stopping at the top edge of the diaper. Sara hoped Anna would continue further, but she didn't say it out loud. When that didn't happen, she finally turned around and unexpectedly licked Anna's neck. "Your face is still all sticky," Anna whispered, smiling, and pinched Sara's cheek lightly. "Lollipops don't suit you." Sara laughed and pressed herself even tighter against Anna. "It was your fault. You bought it for me." "Well, yeah… but you were the one who licked it like a little kid." Sara lifted her head and looked into Anna's eyes. She had a playful smile on her lips. "With you, I become little pretty easily." "So I've been given the world's greatest superpower. Even though as a kid I wanted to be Spider-Man." They smiled at each other and kissed tenderly. The kiss was warm and playful, their lips touching first lightly, then more deeply. Anna's hand slid to Sara's waist, caressed the skin of her sides under her shirt, and finally came to rest on the swollen diaper. Her fingers patted the springy plastic surface lightly, making Sara moan mid-kiss. "You like this," Anna whispered in Sara's ear. "I do," Sara admitted, blushing. "It feels… safe. And exciting. When you touch me just like that." Anna smiled and kissed her again. Her skilled hands continued the gentle caress through the diaper, and Sara could no longer keep still. "I want you," Sara said, her voice trembling. "I want to make love to you just like this. With my diaper on. I want to feel you while I'm your little one." "I promise to take good care of my little one," Anna replied gently and pressed the wet diaper a little harder, making Sara tremble with pleasure. "Anna, please," Sara almost begged. Anna teased her little one for a moment longer, but finally decided to be kind and slipped her hand inside the diaper, against Sara's warm, moist skin.
    • i think people at work know  but  as people on facebook say  they know u   so its not a problem   i  just  keep it private and do my work   and  i guess people are cool with it.
    • It's the next verse that comes to mind when I'm thinking of Hollie: So many have paid to see What you think you're getting for free The woman is wild, a she-cat tamed by the purr of a Jaguar Money's the matter If you're in it for love, you ain't gonna get too far.
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