Diaper References

Chicken and stuffing cooked in the crockpot.

I always wet my diaper to saturation sometimes within 4 to 6 hours.

Chapter 23 “Why are you crying?” For a moment Elisa seemed unable to answer. She wiped at her cheek, but another tear had already followed the first. “I'm just happy you're alive.” Aino watched her. “That's a very dramatic way of being happy.” A small laugh escaped Elisa, unsteady but real. “I know.” “You look worse than I do.” “I don't think that's medically possible.” “It might be close.” That earned her another laugh, and something in Aino relaxed at the sound of it. There she was. For the first time since Elisa had appeared in the doorway, she sounded a little more like herself. Aino wished she could reach for her. She tried anyway, lifting her right arm a few centimetres before the weight of the cast reminded her how pointless the attempt was. “This is extremely inconvenient.” Elisa looked at the cast and then at her. “What were you trying to do?” “Touch you.” The faint smile disappeared from Elisa's face. Aino noticed, but before she could ask about it, Elisa moved her chair closer to the bed. “Where?” “What?” “Where did you want to touch me?” Aino considered this as though it were a serious question. “Your hand would be easiest.” Elisa placed her hand carefully beside Aino's on the blanket. Aino couldn't close her fingers around it. She couldn't really hold it at all. Instead she moved her cast until the side of her hand rested against Elisa's fingers. It wasn't much. It was enough. Elisa looked down at their hands. “I was scared,” Aino said. “I know.” “No, I mean really scared.” Elisa's fingers moved slightly beneath hers. Aino stared at the ceiling. “Everyone keeps telling me things I've done. Apparently I went to Kouvola. Apparently I met some old man. Apparently someone tied my hands.” She swallowed. “And I don't remember any of it.” Elisa said nothing for a moment. Then very gently, she turned her hand beneath Aino's until her palm rested against the little part of Aino's fingers that remained free of the cast. “You're here now.” “I know.” “You're safe.” Aino turned her head towards her. Elisa's eyes were wet again. “You're going to start crying.” “Probably.” “Please don't. I'll have to comfort you, and I'm currently very poorly equipped for it.” Elisa laughed through the tears. Aino smiled. There was something almost normal about it. Not the hospital room or the casts or the headache pressing behind her eyes, but this. Elisa beside her. Elisa's hand beneath hers. Making her laugh when she was trying not to cry. Aino hadn't realised until then how badly she had needed something to feel normal. “Come closer.” Elisa hesitated. Aino frowned. “I don't bite.” “I know.” “You've had considerable evidence.” That surprised a proper laugh out of Elisa. “Come here,” Aino said again, softer this time. Elisa moved the chair closer. Aino rested her head slightly towards her. “I wish I could hug you properly.” “You don't have to.” “I want to.” The words silenced Elisa. Aino watched her face change again and couldn't understand it. There had been strange little moments like that ever since Elisa arrived, as though perfectly ordinary things kept hurting her. “Hey.” Elisa looked at her. “I'm okay.” That almost made things worse. Elisa lowered her head for a moment, and Aino felt her fingers tighten very gently around the edge of her hand. “You're here,” Elisa whispered. “Yes.” “I thought—” She stopped. Aino waited, but Elisa shook her head. “What?” “Nothing.” “That wasn't nothing.” “I thought I'd lost you.” There was enough pain in her voice that Aino stopped trying to make sense of the rest. “Oh.” She wished again that her arms worked. Instead she shifted her hand as much as the cast allowed, pressing it awkwardly against Elisa's. “You didn't.” Elisa closed her eyes. Aino had meant it as reassurance. Judging by Elisa's face, it had somehow been the wrong thing to say. Still, when Elisa opened her eyes again, she was smiling. Aino smiled back. For a little while they simply stayed like that. Eventually the dryness in Aino's mouth became impossible to ignore. “Could you give me some water?” “Of course.” Elisa reached for the cup. She put the straw between Aino's lips and held it while she drank, one hand around the cup and the other hovering uselessly beneath it as though she expected Aino to somehow drop something she wasn't holding. Aino drank until she had had enough and leaned her head back. “You know Emma already managed this without drowning me.” Elisa looked offended. “I wasn't going to drown you.” “You were concentrating very hard.” “I haven't done this before.” “You've held a cup before.” “Not for you.” Aino smiled. “You're doing very well.” “Thank you.” “I'd give you four stars.” Elisa stared at her. “Four?” “There should always be room for improvement.” “I see.” Aino's smile widened. Elisa put the cup back on the table, and for a moment Aino caught the expression on her face before she managed to hide it. Love. There was no other word for it. Whatever else was wrong, whatever had happened during the days Aino couldn't remember, that at least was familiar. Elisa was looking at her in the same way she sometimes did when she thought Aino wasn't paying attention. Aino felt a sudden rush of affection so strong that it almost hurt. “Elisa?” “Yes?” “Could you stroke my hair?” Elisa's expression changed. Not much. Just enough for Aino to notice. “Of course.” She moved her chair closer and gently brushed a strand of hair away from Aino's forehead. Aino closed her eyes. That was better. The hospital receded a little. The beeping monitor was still there, and so was the ache in her head and the uncomfortable weight of both casts, but Elisa's fingers moved slowly through her hair in a rhythm Aino knew. She had missed this. She didn't know when she had last had it, which was another irritating consequence of losing several days of her life, but her body seemed to recognise the touch even when her memory couldn't place it. Elisa's fingers slowed. “Don't stop,” Aino murmured. After the briefest hesitation, Elisa continued. Aino smiled against the pillow. “That's nice.” Elisa didn't answer. Aino opened her eyes. Elisa was looking at her with that same strange mixture of love and sadness. “You're going to cry again.” Elisa gave a quiet laugh. “I'm trying not to.” “Good.” Aino closed her eyes again. “You'll make my pillow wet.” This time Elisa laughed properly. Aino smiled and let her eyes stay closed while Elisa continued stroking her hair. ****** Aino wasn't sure how long they stayed like that. She was beginning to drift somewhere between waking and sleep when a voice came from behind the curtain. “I don't want to ruin the moment, but my phone charger is on your side.” Aino opened her eyes. Elisa's hand stopped in her hair. “Oskari.” “Yes?” “How long have you been awake?” “I wasn't aware I was required to sleep.” “You were being quiet.” “I can do that.” “No, you can't.” There was a brief pause. “That's fair.” Elisa covered her mouth, but Aino saw the smile anyway. “You can come out,” Aino said. Oskari appeared around the curtain almost immediately, which suggested he had been waiting for permission. He glanced at Elisa. “Hi again.” “Hi.” “This is Elisa,” Aino said. “We met in the corridor.” Aino looked at Elisa. “You did?” “For approximately five seconds.” Oskari nodded. “She was in a hurry.” “I wonder why.” “I didn't say it was unreasonable.” He retrieved a charging cable from beside Aino's table and began untangling it. Aino watched him. “Was that really why you came over here?” “Yes.” “You could have asked for it.” “I did.” “No, you announced it.” Oskari considered this. “More efficient.” Elisa laughed. Aino looked at her. It was the first completely ordinary sound Elisa had made since arriving, and for a moment Aino felt absurdly pleased with Oskari for causing it. Oskari noticed her looking. “What?” “Nothing.” “That sounded judgmental.” “It was.” “Good. I was worried you'd hit your head harder than they thought.” Before Aino could answer, Emma appeared in the doorway. She looked first at Oskari, who was still standing beside Aino's bed. “What are you doing?” “Retrieving my property.” “You're bothering her.” Emma said and sighed. Then she noticed Elisa. “You must be Elisa.” Elisa stood. “Yes.” “I'm Emma. I've been looking after Aino today.” “I know. Aino told me.” Something in Elisa's expression softened. “Thank you.” Emma gave her a small smile. “She's been making sure we earn our salaries.” “I have not.” Oskari plugged his phone into a power bank. “You made her hold water for you.” “I have two broken arms.” “Excuses.” Aino stared at him. Emma pointed towards his side of the room. “Go away.” “I live here.” “Then go live over there.” Oskari obeyed, taking his phone with him. Emma turned back to Aino. “How's the headache?” “Still there.” “Better, worse or about the same?” Aino considered it. “About the same.” “Okay. We'll keep an eye on it.” Emma glanced at the clock and then at Elisa. “I need to get Aino cleaned up and changed. It'll take a little while.” Elisa immediately reached for her bag. “Of course.” Aino looked at her. “You're coming back?” Elisa stopped. The question had come out more quickly than Aino intended. “Yes.” “After?” “Yes.” Aino relaxed. “Okay.” Elisa hesitated, then bent down and pressed a soft kiss to Aino's forehead. “I'll be right outside.” Aino smiled. “You'd better be.” For a second Elisa remained close enough that Aino could feel her breath against her hair. Then she straightened and followed Emma's gesture towards the door. Aino watched until she disappeared. Only then did she look at Emma. “Changed?” Emma pulled the curtain closed. “Yes.” Aino looked down at herself. It took her a moment to understand. “Oh.” “Yeah.” Aino became suddenly, acutely aware of the diaper beneath the hospital gown. Until now it had simply been there, one more familiar sensation among dozens of unfamiliar ones. She hadn't thought about who had put it on her, or how many times someone must already have changed it while she was unconscious. Now she thought about both. “Who changed me yesterday?” “Probably several of us at different times.” That was not the answer Aino had been hoping for. “Oh.” Emma began gathering supplies. Aino watched her. “I normally do this myself.” “I assumed you did.” “I just thought that should be established.” “Officially noted.” Aino looked at her casts. There had to be some way. She lifted her right arm slightly, tried to imagine the sequence of movements required, and abandoned the idea almost immediately. “I can probably do it myself.” Emma glanced at one cast. Then the other. “I'd genuinely like to see how.” Aino frowned. “I haven't worked out that part yet.” “I suspected there might be a flaw in the plan.” Aino looked back at the ceiling. “This is humiliating.” Emma's movements slowed. “Would you rather have someone else help you?” Aino considered that. The answer was immediate. “No.” “Okay.” Emma didn't tell her there was nothing to be embarrassed about. Aino appreciated that. There obviously was something embarrassing about lying in a hospital bed while a near-stranger changed her diaper. Pretending otherwise would not have improved the situation. Instead Emma moved the supplies closer. “I'll tell you what I'm doing before I do anything. If something hurts, or you want me to stop, just say so.” Aino nodded. “Okay.” Emma lowered the blanket. Even though Aino had agreed to it, her body tensed. Emma noticed. “Still okay?” “Yes.” “You're sure?” Aino took a breath. “Yes.” Emma continued. Aino fixed her attention on a small mark in one of the ceiling tiles. She knew there was nothing unusual about what Emma was doing. Nurses changed patients all the time. Aino herself had worn diapers long enough that the practical mechanics of changing one were hardly mysterious. None of that made it pleasant to have someone else doing it. The worst part was not even being exposed. It was having nothing useful to do with her hands. Normally she could participate. Lift something, adjust something, clean herself, take over. Now both arms lay uselessly where Emma had positioned them, and Aino had to wait while someone else did everything. She hated that. Emma worked without hurry, but without turning the moment into something larger than it needed to be. “I'm going to clean you now.” Aino nodded. The touch made her tense again. Not because it hurt. For a fraction of a second something inside her reacted before her thoughts did, the same strange alarm she had felt earlier beneath the blanket. Emma stopped immediately. “Aino?” Aino stared at the ceiling. “I'm fine.” Emma waited. Aino could feel her waiting. It was strangely different from being watched. “I don't know why I did that,” Aino admitted. “Did what?” “Tensed up.” “That's okay.” “It doesn't make sense.” “It doesn't have to right now.” Aino turned her head and looked at her. Emma wasn't smiling anymore, but she didn't look worried either. She was simply waiting. “Can we continue?” “Yes.” “Okay.” The rest was easier. Not comfortable. Not dignified. But easier. Emma cleaned her, removed the used diaper and replaced it with a fresh one, keeping Aino covered as much as she reasonably could. There was no unnecessary conversation and no awkward attempt to distract her from what was happening. Whenever Emma needed Aino to move, she explained how first and helped her do it without pulling on either arm. A few minutes later the hospital gown was back in place and Emma drew the blanket over her. “There.” Aino let out a breath she hadn't realised she had been holding. “That was terrible.” Emma raised an eyebrow. “Thank you.” “It was terrible because I couldn't do anything. Not because of you.” “I'll accept that.” Aino looked down at the blanket. She felt clean and dry again. More importantly, nothing terrible had happened. “I suppose you'll have to do that again.” “Probably.” Aino sighed. “Unfortunate.” “For both of us.” Aino looked at her sharply. Emma kept a perfectly straight face for perhaps two seconds. Then Aino laughed. It hurt her head enough that she immediately stopped. “Ow.” “That's what you get.” “For what?” “Insulting my profession.” “You insulted your profession.” “I have seniority.” “You're about twelve.” Emma stared at her. “I'm beginning to understand why Oskari likes you.” “That's not reassuring.” From beyond the curtain came Oskari's voice. “I can hear both of you.” Emma raised her voice. “Nobody asked.” Aino smiled. Emma began gathering the used supplies. “Emma?” She turned. Aino hesitated. “Thank you.” This time there was no joke in it. Emma seemed to understand. “You're welcome.” She opened the curtain just enough to step through, then stopped. “I'll tell Elisa she can come back.” Aino nodded. “Please.” Elisa came back a few minutes later carrying two cups of coffee. Aino looked at them. “Where's mine?” “You're not getting coffee.” “Why not?” “Because you've had a head injury, you're on medication, and I asked Emma.” Aino stared at her. “You asked my nurse whether I'm allowed coffee?” “Yes.” “Without consulting me?” For the first time, Elisa looked genuinely uncertain whether Aino was joking. Aino let her suffer for another second. “I'm kidding.” Elisa exhaled. “That's cruel.” “You deserved it.” “I probably did.” Something about the answer made Aino pause, but Elisa was already sitting down again. She placed one cup on the table and kept the other in her hands. Aino recognised the smell immediately. Too much milk, no sugar. Exactly the way Elisa always drank it. The familiarity of something so small made her smile. “What?” “Nothing.” Elisa raised an eyebrow. Aino's smile widened. “You're drinking your boring coffee.” “My coffee isn't boring.” “You've ordered the same thing for years.” “That's called knowing what I like.” “It's called being afraid of change.” Elisa gave her a look. There it was again. For a few seconds they could have been anywhere. At home on the sofa, perhaps, or sitting across from each other in a café while Aino explained why Elisa's choice of coffee revealed a fundamental lack of imagination. Aino wished suddenly and fiercely that they were home. The thought stayed with her. Elisa took a sip of coffee. “How was it?” Aino knew what she meant. “Awful.” Elisa's expression softened. “But Emma was nice.” “Good.” “She didn't make it weird.” “I'm glad.” Aino looked down at the two casts lying uselessly across the blanket. “I hadn't really thought about how much help I'm going to need.” Elisa followed her gaze. “I can't even change myself.” The admission still embarrassed her. Less than it had half an hour ago, but enough. “I can't hold a cup. I probably can't dress myself. I haven't worked out how I'm supposed to brush my teeth.” “We'll figure it out.” The answer came so naturally that Aino looked at her. We. Of course. Some of the tension left her shoulders. “The doctor didn't say how long I'll be here.” “They probably don't know yet.” “No. Apparently hospitals enjoy uncertainty.” Elisa smiled faintly. “But they'll let me out eventually.” “Yes.” “And the casts will still be there.” “Yes.” Aino thought about their apartment. Their bed. Her clothes in the wardrobe. Elisa beside her in the mornings. The ordinary little routines that suddenly seemed impossibly appealing after a day in which almost nothing had made sense. “I'll need help when they let me out.” Elisa's smile disappeared. Aino didn't notice immediately. She was already making a list in her head. Food could be ordered if necessary. Buttons were probably impossible. Showering would require some kind of protection for the casts. Work was obviously out of the question for a while. And diapers. That problem had just demonstrated itself rather clearly. “Quite a lot of help, actually.” Elisa put her coffee down. Aino looked at her. “So I'll come home with you.” Silence. Aino waited. Elisa was staring at the coffee cup. “Elisa?” Her hands had tightened together in her lap. Aino frowned. “We still live together, don't we?” Elisa closed her eyes for a moment. “Yes.” “Then what's wrong?” Elisa looked at her. For a moment Aino saw the same expression she had seen earlier when she'd asked Elisa to hug her. Love was there, unmistakably, but now there was something else beneath it. Something frightened and ashamed. “Aino…” “What?” “You can't come home with me.” Aino stared at her. “What do you mean?” “I mean…” Elisa stopped and tried again. “It can't be decided like that.” “Why not?” Elisa looked down. Aino's confusion slowly began to turn into unease. “Did something happen?” “Yes.” The answer was so quiet that Aino almost missed it. “With Juhani?” “No.” Aino waited. Elisa's eyes had filled with tears again. “Then what?” Elisa didn't answer. Aino watched her, and for the first time since Elisa had arrived, she felt something colder than confusion. “Elisa?” “I did something.” Aino's heartbeat seemed suddenly louder. “What did you do?” Elisa looked at her then. There was no attempt to hide from the question anymore. “I hurt you.” Aino stared at her. She almost expected some explanation to follow immediately, something that would make the words smaller and more understandable. None came. “What do you mean?” Elisa drew in a shaky breath. “I mean there's a reason I didn't know where you were. There's a reason you weren't at home when you went to Kouvola.” Aino's mouth felt dry again. She looked at Elisa, trying to fit those words beside the woman who had held her hand, given her water and stroked her hair. They didn't fit. “Elisa, you're scaring me.” “I know.” “Then tell me what happened.” Elisa's face crumpled for just a moment before she managed to steady herself. “I will.”

Yes.  Many times I've played a game of dumping a small glass of warm water into the front of my diaper every ten or so minutes to see how long I (and the diaper) can last.  It feels better and better till …

That's not a problem I have. I often put a diaper on and start wetting, even when I hadn't been aware of any need to go potty. And if I only wet a little I wait a while. When I have a diaper I got potty more frequently than I would if not diapered, so the pee-pee will come soon enough. And I wear until I'm soaked.