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Sissy Room
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By Kitty Angel · Posted
125. Give and Take Tess couldn’t find the words she wanted to say. Somehow it felt like this terrible situation was her fault, and she wanted more than anything to comfort Spike; to promise that she would do whatever it took to make this better, or to tell him that he was cared for. But she didn’t know how; she didn’t know the right words to convey something so deep. Every instinct wanted to hug him, and in the circumstances it took a real effort to keep her distance. “I’m sorry,” she said in the end. “Really.” “Did I upset you?” “No! I just… there’s things I needed to say. Big things, where it’s so hard to find the right words, and I was scared I’d say the wrong thing, or it would be too hard to understand. I care about you, and I don’t ever want you to feel bad if you don’t need to, and it was so hard to write those messages, I kept on putting it off… I never, ever wanted you to stop talking to me. Why would anybody think… how would he even know? Did you think I was pushing you away? I’m so sorry, I was just so scared of saying the wrong thing, I couldn’t bring myself to say anything, and maybe nothing was the wrong thing anyway. I never wanted this to happen, I just kept on thinking I’d work out what to say…” She stopped and looked down to where Spike was holding her hand. His hands didn’t have bandages on, and she realised that in the last few months they had spent so much time holding hands, in the same way that so many of their friends would kiss or embrace at every opportunity. It was like a much smaller touch could convey just as much feeling, and she realised now how much she had missed it recently. “Don’t blame yourself,” Spike said clearly. “I kept sending messages, thinking you’d reply again. A lot of it was just like stupid gossip stuff, or commenting on whatever’s in the news. Like, because I always enjoyed talking to you, and even if the… relationship stuff is hard, I didn’t want to lose out on the other stuff. The like… I don’t know what to call it, normal friends chat.” “I should have answered sooner,” she said. “And I should have replied to the serious stuff too. I know what I needed to say about that now, I was trying to write the message when I saw you like that. I never thought Duke would take an interest in that.” “Do you still want to say those things? Because I’m a captive audience now. And I want to know what I do that makes you happy, and where you’re making compromises for me. I mean… I know that with our friends who are in relationships, it seems like everybody knows the rules, and the things you have to do, and the things you don’t do. But we’re doing something different, and I don’t know the norms, and I don’t want to be assuming anything. Okay? I just want us to say what we mean, and be sure we’re both on the same page, even if it’s a little embarrassing to say. Okay? I mean, I’m feeling a little weird on the painkillers, so if you regret anything you said later, you can take it back and tell me I didn’t understand you right.” “I’d never do that,” Tess said, but she found herself laughing at the concept. Would anyone choose to have a serious, relationship-defining conversation when they were intoxicated, just so that they’d have a chance of retconning the discussion later? But now they were talking, she realised that just being here with Spike made her feel so lucky. She really liked him; she wasn’t just attracted to him physically, but she would do anything to be there with him. And every moment spent chatting, regardless of what it was about, had to be perfect. And then there was no more reason to be scared of saying the wrong thing. “Okay,” she said. “When you came over to… do that thing…” she caught herself glancing over her shoulder. He had a private room, there weren’t any nurses walking around, but she still felt like they could be overheard at any minute. “Damn, why am I getting so paranoid about hypothetical eavesdroppers? Anyway, it went further than I was comfortable with. A lot further. And when I tried to tell you that, you told me I was enjoying it. No, don’t interrupt! I’m not mad about that, don’t get me wrong. And I might have done the same thing. But I think now I understand hypnosis a bit better. And telling me I’m enjoying something seems to make me act like I’m happy. I smile and giggle. And I might even think I’m happy, but my real feelings are still there, just buried under the surface. So we learned something important: don’t do that again.” “I promise,” he said. “I never even realised you were uncomfortable. I just thought it was inhibitions, like you felt guilty about wanting it, and I needed to make it feel more natural. You know?” “Well, now we know. So like, don’t try to change how I feel about things. If you want to do something I’m not really comfortable with, then just ask me. And I’ll play along as much as I can, because I want you to be happy. More than anything else. But if it reaches the point I really can’t cope with it, I need to be able to stop. Not deny how I’m feeling and have all the negative stuff hit me later.” Tess took a deep breath, and realised she was starting to cry. It was still a hard thing to say. “Look,” she tried again, “I know it sounds like I’m criticising you. But I’m not, and I can’t blame you for getting excited about the things you enjoy. It’s just that we made a mistake, we didn’t understand how this stuff works, and now we learned a lesson. And I want to keep on exploring together, now we know a path to avoid. Please tell me you can still trust me. Tell me you still want me to be the one you’ll come to when you want to explore these desires further?” “Yeah. It sounds like I did something wrong, and to me that’s something to worry about, because I never want to hurt you. But as long as you want to be my little girl, I promise that I’ll be Daddy for you. You are special to me, Tess. And I want to make you happy. But maybe we should have talked a little more at the start, rather than going to try it and see. If you want to experiment again, I’m up for that. But I promise, in future, I’ll be listening in case you tell me you’re not enjoying something. I never want to push you into something you don’t want, because all that matters to me is that you can be happy.” “Okay. There’s something I should probably tell you before we try again. I mean… Gabby wanted me to be her little girl. I told you that, didn’t I? She remembers when she used to babysit for me when she was my age, back when I was a toddler, and I think before I moved in she was expecting me to still be that age. I’ve carried on doing that. I want her to be happy, and it isn’t too much to ask, I think. I would probably have been happy to play along with it if she’d asked to start with, but she had to come up with excuses, like she wants me to think it was my idea. Anyway… if you want this to be a special thing for us, I’ll tell her that I’m only little for you. That’s up to you. But before we do this again, I need to tell you the same couple of rules I told her. Things I’m not comfortable with, that are absolutely off limits. I didn’t tell you before because I never thought you’d want me to be that little, but I guess I overestimated how well I know you. So… before we do anything like that again, I’ll tell you the limits. It will be different, don’t worry. If you really want those things, I can get used to it. Baby steps, you know? Just take it carefully, and discuss it in advance. Things that are way too much for me to do for Gabby, I’d try for you if you ask me.” “You really like me. Don’t you?” He said slowly. “Then I should remind you that I only want you to be happy. I would never do any of this stuff if it doesn’t make you happy, and I’ll never ask you to do something just for me. So if you can talk about it without getting too embarrassed, I’d really like you to tell me what parts of being a baby you want. Like what age you’d like to be.” “I decided that five is the absolute minimum. Then we said we could go… a little bit further, just to see how it feels. I was kind of joking when I said one, I thought we’d laugh about it for like two minutes and then you’d say I can get a bit bigger. But we learned, right? Next time will be better.” “Yeah… next time. But Duke was mad, says you’re making me look weak. He doesn’t want me to see you again, but I can’t imagine just…” “Okay. This is the bit where I need to be firm. You spend your whole life trying to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, where they really don’t deserve it. That’s good when you’re making friends, and getting a bunch of people to be nice to each other. But with your adopted family, you really need to make the tough decisions. You could have been seriously hurt, you know? You could have died today. If he thinks it’s okay to behave like that, he’s not going to stop. You give in and he knows that it works, and he’ll treat you just the same the next time he wants something. Or he’ll be the same with Nik. This is the point where you put your foot down, Spike. You’re good at being nice, but this isn’t the time for it.” “So what do I do?” “First, tell the police what happened. Then report that Shawna’s been missing her rehab appointments. No, don’t interrupt. I know you don’t want to hurt her, but you don’t want her to be in the house when the cops come for him. She gets taken back to rehab, here at Pine Ridge. And if there’s a report that a little kid might be exposed to drugs… I know it’s not true, but if they think it could be, they’ll have Nik in here for blood tests and to make sure he’s healthy. Duke can rage all he wants, but he can’t beat up somebody who isn’t there. And we make sure they got plenty of reasons to lock him away. Yes it’s harsh, but that guy needs to be dealt with before he kills somebody.” “I can’t do that,” Spike said slowly, shaking his head. “I know it’s for the best, but I just can’t.” “You have to. Like going to hospital today, you didn’t want to do that. You do your best to help everybody, and I love that about you. But when it comes to taking care of yourself, you need somebody to make the tough choices for you. So, will you trust me when I say this is for the best? Will you listen to me?” He squeezed her hand again, and this time there was a nod behind the layers of bandages. “Okay. And there’s nobody I’d trust more. So what… I can’t go home now. I’ll stay in here as long as the doctors say I need observation, and then I can stay at Ffrances’s office a few days. Adam will tell me off for skipping on my exercise routine, I know. But then–” “Then you’re moving in with us. Don’t argue.” “I… Really? I mean, Gabby’s been a lot nicer this year, but I think she still doesn’t trust me that much.” “She’ll agree,” Tess said firmly. She was a lot less confident herself, but she was starting to understand that Gabby would do almost anything if it would get Tess to keep on being her baby girl sometimes. She was sure there were things she could say that would make all the difference. “Don’t worry, I’ll make sure of that.” “That sounds pretty nice. Okay. And I should let you make the decisions for me more often.” -
By cute little kokiri girl · Posted
Camila got back in the car and drove right straight home, looking in the rear view mirror Emily was just watching the scenery pass before her, before they had pulled out daycare Emily had a longing look, "Don't worry my little diaper fairy it won't be long before you've gone back to daycare and who knows if your a good girl frog class with your big sister Madison instead of going to tadpole class with your big sister Alice." Immediately Emily looked up with the delight, the thought of going back to frog class filled the little adult woman with excitement as she happily bounced and kicked her legs in her car seat. -
One thing I would like to better understand. I often hear people who were molested being told "IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!" Now I've never been molested, but I was asked to show my privet by a 40 year old, but he didn't force anything on me. But as mentioned above, it freaked me out. But back to my question: I never felt guilt or that it was my fault. But as mentioned, I was not molested. Why is there often a feeling of self fault when a victim is molested? Two common thoughts I would think a victim would feel is, hunger for revenge, or they might feel a sense of forgiveness, depending on the individual. I don't know how I would feel. -
I'm pretty much along with oznl on this one. I wash my nappies every 2 days, on a normal 60 degree wash, with some laundry sanitiser going in the appropriate hopper in the washer. It's been working fine for years. I started out with a pre-wash cycle too, but it wasn't adding anything other than extra time and expense, so I haven't bothered with it for years. -
I know it’s late but I’m looking for a single diaper in the Spokane area.
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