Sissy Room

"Thankfully" I'm 100% "disabled", so I work whenever I can, or when there are work for me.  So not getting any sleep is rarely a problem. Tomorrow I have to get up at 7 am to drive a truck so I'll be taking a sleeping pill. 

I've battled insomnia for years, nothing seems to help. I sleep when I can.

118. Second Thoughts Tess giggled and laughed, reaching up for the mobile above her. And a second later, her attention was drawn away to follow a dangling bunch of keys that Ffrances was jiggling just a little. She knew that she was supposed to be excited, and that tasks as simple as reaching out for something should have been fun. But for some reason she just wasn’t enjoying it. She kept on smiling and laughing, because she knew that she was supposed to. But there wasn’t real happiness behind the gestures. “You’re with me, aren’t you?” Ffrances said again. Tess nodded, realising that she was still big enough to understand the grown ups. “Now, can you try making yourself a bit older for me? It’s up to you how big you want to be, and you can go back later if you really want to. But I want to know how you really feel, not how he’s told you that a baby at your age should feel. Okay?” “Uhhh…” Tess started, fighting against the urge to babble. She wanted to talk properly, but she knew that might upset Daddy; and she had to make sure that everything went well. But somewhere in her mind, she knew that something was wrong. As she squirmed a little, she tried to work out what it was. There was something she wasn’t comfortable with, but she couldn’t remember the details. And even though realising how thoroughly the hypnosis could twist her perceptions was still exciting, there was fear in her mind as well. “I’m growing up now,” she said, forcing her lips to shape complicated big-girl words that she could barely remember. “I’m all grown up again. I’m… I’m back to my real age.” She repeated the words two or three times, and it got a little easier to remember them each time. And then a tidal wave of adult thoughts crashed over her, reminding her why she was so willing to be Spike’s baby, and what he meant to her, and how nerve-wracking this whole experience was. The emotions were overwhelming. So much of the afternoon so far had involved her laughing or smiling because Spike had told her to be happy, and it was disconcerting to feel her real emotions again, after they’d been buried under that act. It would probably take a long time for her to understand what she had really felt, and how much of this she would be willing to do again. But she knew right away that there was one thing she couldn’t take for another second. “Ewwwww!” she shrieked, and then the sound quickly descended into sobbing as all the suppressed emotions washed over her. “I didn’t even… It seemed like normal, I couldn’t even tell what was creeping me out.” “It’s okay, dear,” Ffrances told her. “I think you want to get clean, right? Would you prefer me to get this off you, or can you do it yourself? I can delay the dinner preparations, and keep Spike occupied if you’d prefer, so there’s time for you to have a shower. And If I can suggest… shower first, to get yourself clean. Then take a bath with the rose oil bath bombs, to refresh your skin and make you feel alive again. Trust me, it’ll help with both your skin health, and your emotional state.” “Thank you,” Tess gasped, but couldn’t quite manage to stop herself sobbing. The day’s experience had just been too intense for her, and nothing like what she had expected. On top of the disgust, and the confusion, she was now confronting the knowledge that she didn’t know Spike as well as she had thought, and that she really had no idea what was going on inside her best friend’s head. Somehow, that confusion bothered her even more than the mess in her diaper. But there was one more thing she needed to say: “Don’t tell him,” she said. And when Ffrances just looked confused, she explained more: “This was the first time we did anything like that. It’s not going to be perfect. And I don’t want him to feel bad about it. We can talk about it more later.” “If Gabby tried to make you…” “Yeah. Then I would have been mad, and I’d really appreciate knowing you called her out on it. But this time, I never told him about that limit, because I never imagined he’d want to go anywhere close to it. And then…” She thought slowly about what had happened. She’d been dumb; saying she was one year old. Spike could easily have taken that as a sign of willingness. Like she’d given him permission to do all the diaper stuff, even if she hadn’t meant it that way. “I wasn’t clear enough. I might have let him think that I was okay with all this. And if it’s really important to him, maybe I can get used to it. But… I don’t want him to worry. Not today.” “Okay. I think he needed a break as well. If he asks, I’ll tell him that he needs to discuss it with you. Now, you get yourself cleaned up.” That turned out to be easier said than done. Tess hurried to the bathroom, grabbing a pack of wipes and diaper bags from the table on the way. She could take the diaper off, but the mess inside was clinging to her skin, and wipes just seemed to spread it around, and she was just worrying about the state she was going to leave the bathroom in. After a short while she gave up. She left a scented diaper bag on the floor, containing both the diaper and all the wipes she had used so far, then pulled off the rest of the baby clothes and stepped into the shower. Jets of hot water would get her skin clean, and she could worry about everything else later. After a few minutes, the smell no longer seemed to be clinging to her body, and Tess could start to calm down. She carried on playing the shower head over every inch of herself, with the pressure and temperature turned up as high as she could bear. Even when she was sure that she was clean, she kept on repeating the same movements like a ritual that would slowly restore her peace of mind. This reverie was interrupted by a gentle tap on the bathroom door. She probably didn’t hear it the first time, but the sound repeated, and after a few seconds Ffrances’s voice called out: “I’ve got some clean clothes for you. Want me to take the trash out?” Tess shouted back her agreement, and then saw the vague silhouette of another person in the bathroom; disposing of the stinking diaper bag before Tess had to worry about it again. She was so grateful for that. It was just a little detail, but she knew that it would be so much easier to cope with getting dressed again if she didn’t have to deal with disposing of the diaper as well. “Okay, I’ve left you some towels here. And lifted the bath bombs out so you can have a long soak if you want. Come down when you’re feeling more human.” And then she was gone, leaving Tess alone with her thoughts, and the clouds of steam rising around her. Tess knew that she must be clean by now. She had soaped up her body and rinsed herself off several times. Her skin was red from the hot water. But she didn’t want to step out of the shower just yet. She started to wash her hair instead; although she knew this had to be displacement activity. She was just putting off the moment she would have to face Spike again, and tell him that she might not be willing to do this again. She still didn’t know what she actually needed to say; she’d promised that she would do everything she could to make his fantasies come true, but she still didn’t know if she could cope with it. Whether she said that she’d try harder next time, or told him that those suggestions were off-limits, she knew that it was a choice she would regret. But sooner or later, she knew she would have to go downstairs and talk to him. And as her shampoo added its fruity scent to the steam filling the room, she started to feel a little more relaxed. She knew this would be hard, but she was ready to face it now. Ready to find the best solution for everyone, even if she didn’t know what that might be. There was a thick, fluffy towel hanging on the towel rail, warm enough to bring a smile to Tess’s face as she dried off. It was really comfortable. And on the shelves beside it, there were two outfits set out. A hoodie and jeans, fresh from the laundry pile, or a skirt and blouse that almost looked like the uniform for a school around the corner from Raybridge. She recognised the style, and knew that after seeing so many little kids in the same outfit it would make her look and feel a little childish. Tess thought about it for a long time as she got herself dried off. She wanted to be an adult, so that she could talk to Spike about what had happened, and see if they could find some kind of compromise; an age where they would both get what they wanted. But she also didn’t want to disappoint him. They’d agreed that they would go a bit further on that first session, try out things that they knew might be a bit too much… and then she hadn’t had time to explore the ages that she’d really been willing to be for him. So maybe the right answer was to let herself regress again, and see how they both felt at ages she could imagine being comfortable with. Spike might find that was enough for him, and the hard conversation wouldn’t be so hard. But after what had just happened, it was still hard. She put on her regular clothes in the end. But she also grabbed some rainbow ribbons for her hair when she was back in her room, and grabbed a ferret plush and a pacifier to stuff in her pocket. She could try to judge the mood, and then it wouldn’t be too hard to get herself feeling innocent again if Spike was okay with something less extreme. She crossed her fingers and set off down the stairs; and the rich aromas drifting up from the stove gave her confidence that today would have good moments, whatever age she was willing to be. 119. Aftercare Dinner turned out to be some kind of risotto thing. It wasn’t a meal Tess had tried before, and a good portion of her plate was filled with what tasted like rice-coated mozzarella balls, with meat and sauce drizzled over the top. It was the kind of thing you could imagine a little kid eating with their fingers, and some of the little balls of rice seemed to have been shaped like cats or dinosaurs; but that was the only hint that this might be a meal aimed at a child. “Cute,” she said as she picked up the first one, and she saw a tiny flicker of a smile from Spike. He’d looked more serious than ever as she entered the room, making her worry yet again that she had disappointed him. She felt bad about interrupting their playtime before, when she might have led him to believe that it would last until late in the evening, and now she was compounding the rejection by not being a baby when she came down again. She could have been littler, she knew that, but she was still a little afraid. “Is that too silly?” Spike asked, pointing at an animal-shaped ball on her plate. “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. I can have the animals if you prefer. I just thought you might…” “They’re sweet,” she reassured him. “Did you make them? That’s the kind of thing I see a good daddy doing. I bet your dad gave you stuff like this, didn’t he?” She gestured towards his bracelet, which he was still wearing. What would Daddy do? They were the words that meant the most to him, and she hoped that reminding him of the bond with his own father would help him to understand that she didn’t think he’d done something wrong. “I might not be regressed right now, but I can still appreciate cute. And sentimental, you know? It shows that you care. The theme of the treats doesn’t matter, so much as the fact that you put effort into them. For me. I really appreciate that, you know? And I…” she hesitated then, realising that she’d gotten carried away and started saying something that she hadn’t planned to say just yet. But it was still something she needed to say, so she pushed herself forwards and tried to finish the sentence: “I’m sorry if this afternoon wasn’t what you were hoping for. You were a wonderful Daddy, and I’ll try to be the little girl you deserve, any time you want to try again. There’s still some… some inhibitions. But if it matters to you, I can try to get over that.” “No,” Spike shook his head. “No, I mean… it’s got to be about what you enjoy. Or both of us, really. You can’t get hung up on avoiding things that are a problem for me, and forgetting about yourself. There’s a compromise there, maybe. But it might be better if we talk about what we want before trying anything like that again. I’m sorry, I’m not trying to…” “How about we eat before the big, serious conversations?” Ffrances suggested, and Tess could only agree. She pulled up a chair and sat next to Spike, hoping that she would be able to have that conversation when the time came. She didn’t feel up to being all serious right now, but she knew that it would probably be easier the sooner they could bring themselves to talk like adults. “We can talk about it like adults,” she said. “But not right now. Later. You seemed to be enjoying yourself before it got… weird. So if you want, I could be a little bit littler. Like, I can call you Daddy if you want, and try to be cute, and do what you say. But still capable of doing… grown up stuff. If that’s okay?” “Whatever you’re comfortable with, Tess,” he answered, and she could tell that for a moment he’d wanted to use some pet name but couldn’t decide what was the right word to say. Her heart soared when she heard that he still wanted to be with her. He didn’t seem to be angry, so maybe this could still work. “You’re such a sweet little baby, and you can play all you want. Whatever kind you want. Are you going to be a little older this time, like four or five?” “I don’t know if I’d want to go that far,” she said. “I hope I’m not letting you down too much, but I think I had enough of babying for one night. But I feel a little childish whenever I dress the part, and this outfit… If you treat me like a kid, I might get carried away and act like it too. But no more hypnotic triggers, if that’s okay? I mean… I can’t believe I’m saying this, because I’m so curious about those words, and how I respond. But right now I’m just scared. I’d rather see if you can make me feel small just with your words and your actions. If that’s what you want.” “If it’s okay with you, that’s all I could ask for.” Another smile; there was natural happiness in it, she thought, but he was also deliberately trying to show her that he was content. He wanted to make sure she was comfortable. He was trying to head off her worries; to let her know that the extreme baby stuff wasn’t everything. Maybe she could be comfortable with that. If she could do it for Gabby, she certainly would for Spike. Their conversation went back to the food for a while, and to things they might have seen on television. Ffrances was surprised to hear that Spike hadn’t actually been watching the latest season of Live From Palmerston!, meaning that the scenes he could quote were all from the previous year, or picked up by memetic osmosis from people quoting them at school or sharing clips on Clatter. Tess knew that he didn’t always have the opportunity to catch up with TV, but she hadn’t realised just how much he had missed. That made her worry again; as much as she told herself she worried about his life at home, she really didn’t know the extent of his problems. They ate in silence for a moment, not wanting to mention the thoughts that were on their minds then, until Spike broke the silence by asking if they’d seen the period drama that his stepfather seemed to be obsessing over now. Spike could put on a wonderful Scottish accent, complaining about the ongoing failures of “That Boy”, but to Tess it was clear that he’d learned the voice without actually interacting with a person from Scotland. After he’d done what was probably a very good impression of the character, Tess tried her own. She might not have watched That Boy, but some of her classmates at a previous school had found it amusing to teach the new girl how to put on a thick accent. It was enough to bring more laughter to the table, and before the meal ended the three of them were doing their best impressions of all the most egregious or impenetrable accents they had seen in movies and TV. It wasn’t long before they were all laughing, and for a while Tess could forget all about her earlier worries. In fact, she wasn’t thinking about anything but the next hilarious voice she could do. “Hey, I think we’re forgetting about dinner,” Spike said, and pointed down at Tess’s plate. “Do I need to help feed the little one?” His fork reached down to her plate, and then he held it out for her. For a moment they all held their breath, not quite sure if this was going to be too much again. And she could see the nervousness in his face, as he started to lose confidence in something that had seemed like such a good idea at the time. But being fed by a grown-up wasn’t that embarrassing. Or… well, it was, but in a cute way rather than a degrading way. Tess wasn’t sure that she understood the difference, but she thought she might be able to get comfortable with this. She laughed a little, leaned closer, and opened her mouth. “Good girl,” Spike said as he stroked her hair again, gently encouraging her to bring her head closer to him. After a few minutes he had both plates in front of him, and was spending more time feeding Tess than he was eating himself. It seemed a little silly at first, but it wasn’t long before Tess found herself feeling giddy and childish, just like the kind of kid who would normally be treated like this. It got even easier to feel so small and helpless when he used his napkin to wipe some imaginary morsel of food off her cheek, or gave her another gentle kiss on the forehead. She didn’t even realise until she thought about it later that she’d been sitting in his lap. Was that a bad thing to do? She didn’t know; but at the time, she’d just been too innocent to think about it. “I’m full!” she squeaked after a while, and rubbed her tummy to make the point. She knew she was acting like a little kid now, but it was fun. Just like playing a game. If this was what Daddy wanted to do to her, she would have agreed without any question. Then she looked at the two plates in front of them. She was vaguely aware that he’d been giving her some of his own dinner as well, picking the little rice balls that were the cutest shape, or the bits which seemed to have the most stretchy cheese. But there was still so much on the plate; Spike had been feeding her so much that he didn’t eat his own. “Good girl,” he said. “I think you really enjoyed that, didn’t you?” Tess didn’t get to answer; as soon as she opened her mouth, there was a pacifier in it. But this time she wasn’t going to complain. She felt so happy to be with somebody who loved her so much, and  let her adult thoughts fade a little more as she started sucking. If this was enough for him, there would be no more friction. But there was still something missing. And now that she was aware of what was happening to her, and how the hypnosis was moulding her thoughts, she knew what was wrong. She just couldn’t be comfortable being passive for too long; she needed to be doing something. And there was something to do right at hand. “Okay, your turn!” she said, and reached out for a fork. “Daddy has to eat too.” It wasn’t as easy as she might have thought. Spike started saying something about how she didn’t need to do that. Tess tried to get the fork to his mouth while he was talking, like he’d done to her once or twice. But he didn’t stop moving, and she was aware that when she finally got the chance, it was because he was distracted by Ffrances’s hand on his shoulder. Still, even if she needed a little help, Tess knew she was doing something good. And the smile on his face confirmed it. Spike had fed her dinner, and now she could feed him; and he seemed to be enjoying it just as much as she had. “You finished now?” Ffrances asked as she took away two empty plates. Despite her earlier declaration of fullness, Tess hadn’t been able to resist a few more bites, and she was sure that they were both stuffed now. “Yeah,” Tess answered, and gave a giggle. “I was going to say this baby’s full too. I don’t know where my headspace is at now. If I’m the baby playing at feeding Daddy, or I started feeling like a big sister at some point.” “You don’t have to choose,” Spike answered. “Just do what feels natural for you. If you’re comfortable with being a little older…” “I’m comfortable with being younger too. Or I can be. It might take a little effort to work out how far we’re comfortable pushing those lines. But we can experiment, can’t we? Figure out what’s best for both of us.” “Yeah,” he said. “I won’t mess up next time. And maybe…” Tess glanced up at Ffrances, maybe hoping for some advice. The older woman was more confident, and had more experience of understanding what people were thinking. Was there something she could say here, or some advice she could give? But Tess realised right away that everybody was different, and if she wanted to understand what was bothering Spike, there was only one person she needed to ask. “Say it,” she said. “If you’ve got an idea how this could work better, just say it. I’m happy to try and find a compromise, figure out where the things we want overlap. I was okay with that baby session earlier, right? We can get used to it together. So if there’s some way we can explore it together, or some idea that we can try out, please don’t be nervous about saying it. I promise, I’ll be happier once I know what’s on your mind.” “Well, maybe it’s weird after I… you know… failed at being a responsible Daddy before. But with that food thing, I think I understand better trying it on both sides. So maybe next time we might switch roles for a little bit first. Show me how you want to be treated as a baby, and maybe I’ll have a better idea how it feels. I mean, it sounds so–” “I’d love that,” Tess said, unable to contain herself any longer. “Is that something you’d really do? So we can understand each other better? I think I’d be less confident than you at being Daddy, and I’m sure you never imagined being a little boy, but I’m sure that would be a great way to… like, make it easier to understand what each other enjoys. And we can find something that we’re both happy with.”

Flat cloth diapers don't hold anything at all. A booster (I call them inserts) is mandatory as are PUL or plastic pants.

@LupintheWolf The process of voiding may seem simple, but it is a complex process based on electricity generation to trigger a behaviour - voiding. To enable control, one has to interupt this process that, when born, has a loop. In an electrical sence, the bladder filling becomes a battery that has a higher voltage the fuller it becomes. When the voltage is high enough, it provides power to the voiding motor which cause one to void. This can be paused with a strong enough signal. The actual process is a little more complex, which makes this process and any issue with same, very difficult if not impossible to fix. However, that is the concept that is foreign to modern medicine - admitting that they cannot fix something. It is a level of arogance that is far more extreme that any other I have observed within any other trade. You, being in diapers (and I presume diaper dependent) for 10 years, plus, I presume, the first 5, which would mean 1/2 of your life. On the opposite side of the coin, you were not in diapers (day time) from age 5 to 20. I would suspect, considering your dependance now, that you were not really dry overnight, and daytime, the control was weak. As a result, I doubt if your urinary system ever followed what is medically determined as normal control. From a pschyological perspective, there is an inbuilt desire to expand and grow ones abilities. As a result, for one to have that low level of control would signify that there is nothing medical and/or toilet training can do to remove your dependence on diapers. As a result, what most doctors are telling you is both wishful thinking and fantasy - and medical science's arogance will not let them admit that they could be wrong! @Amixofthings the term incontinent / incontinence is constantly misused within the medical insurance arena due to the way the insurance business operates - via providing terms that can easily be legally disputed. In relation to an infant, there is both the concept and reality of 'elemination communication', a practice of an career reacting to the cues given by the newborn prior to voiding. This, in itself, defines that the newborn is NOT born as diaper dependant. It, instead, defines that the newborn is trained to become diaper dependant, and due to the newborn not knowing any different, it accepts the diaper usage as what is required. The idea of 'elimination communication' is kind of foreign to the way we think today, but that is due to a multi generational change i.e. what has occured in ones parents, grand parents, great grand parents, great great grand parents and further back. At this stage, the behaviour of diapering an infant is so normal, it seems abnormal to not diaper one. This generation, it seems normal to use a disposable diaper, where prior generations, cloth was normal and disposables would seem to be extravogant and/or a waste of money. After all, in that time, a wash board could easily handle a cloth diaper, so why spend money on a single use item.