Mommies and Daddies

Chapter Fifty-Nine: Processing ‘Adam.’ Pause. Rewind. Play. ‘Adam.’ Pause. Rewind… Adam closed his eyes as he let out a sigh. He had slept terribly, despite having the jungle sounds, which he had turned off only a few hours into the night. He kept replaying the messages either in his head or in his ear, as his emotions swirled over their content. Well, Joomi’s message anyway. Lying on his back, staring at the accursed mobile overhead, he took a breath and let it out again, realizing he needed to start probing his emotional state rather than letting himself feel it and consequently spiraling. He had cried enough for a lifetime. He needed to feel something else. Plus, as he looked at the crack under the door to evaluate the sunlight from beyond, Seo-ya might be a bit late this morning, depending on how much they celebrated the night before. He rolled his eyes. He took in a deep breath as he closed his eyes, feeling the weight of the lids wanting to stay closed and get some proper sleep, but his brain was too noisy to comply. Deep breath in, then out. In, and out. First and foremost, Adam was… happy? Was it? Was it the right word? He frowned, reaching his hands up to rub his tired eyes, frustrated that he was already having uncertainty. His emotional state was complex, that much he knew, but to not even know if he was happy to hear the words from Joomi that he had wanted to hear from the beginning… why? Why wasn’t he overjoyed? Well, for one, he was still in Shik and Seo-ya’s bony, grubby, greedy clutches. He nodded to himself; the admission was great, but it didn’t change his current state. Was that why he cried? Because the one thing he wanted the most was given to him at the worst possible time? His lips thinned as he cracked his neck from one side to the other. That felt right… He appreciated that she meant it as a beacon of hope. But instead, it felt like pouring salt on a wound. He let out a groan as he pressed his palms against his eyes; that had to be the lack of sleep talking. His mood was foul, and he was being uncharitable as a result. In a way, her confession was no different than Boja’s reassurance that they had not abandoned him. They were both trying to fuel and safeguard his resilience. Recognizing this, he tried to focus on the positive and really take to heart her intention. He was going to be able to go home and be himself - truly himself! He was going to be able to work with her on his terms! Though he hoped he could keep the jungle noises and scenery. And… this was all presuming he could get out of here and Shik’s intention to keep him wasn’t long-term. Adam sighed and then groaned. He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t manage to be happy about this, and that was getting under his skin. He spent at least a half hour languishing about that before he decided he needed to allow himself to be angry, or hurt, or whatever was preventing him from finding joy in her confession. He needed to understand the worst of his feelings. Taking in a few breaths, he invited in his anger and gave it center stage. Starting with the timing: Joomi had plenty of time to admit she had known he didn’t deserve this treatment, and she put all of her effort into making sure they could communicate with him to admit that, rather than putting her effort into freeing him. They knew he was here — let Boja break through a window and carry him out of here! What was the point of telling him she knew he was a fully functional adult while forced to crawl around and cry for diaper changes from Seo-ya?! Now every bit of babying would be even more infuriating knowing his freedom from it was just beyond these walls. What had she been thinking?! This thought of timing led him down the path to thinking of all the times she could have told him. He had probed many times since his Adoption, trying to test her resolve and views, but he had always failed. She had hidden this realization well from him, and… and that burned. Was he mad that she had tricked him? Did he feel betrayed that she felt she couldn’t confide this in him before, and they could have achieved their mutual goal together? He placed his hands on his chest and nodded; slightly, yes. She had set such a strong precedent with him that she didn’t lie, and had been so adamant about it, that he believed her. He proceeded with every interaction on the grounds that she didn’t lie to him… but she also proved that didn’t mean she was always honest. His lips puckered. She was willing to avoid speaking on a topic so she wouldn’t have to lie, and she had often sidestepped topics by diverting the conversation. In the few times he had made a suggestion to ‘level up’ his infantilization, she had skirted the topic, or shot it down with some obtuse counter like it ‘wasn’t a good idea’. Because it interfered with her plan? Because she had to make that decision, not him? At what point does her admission that he didn’t need diapers and cribs still not prove that she isn’t infantilizing him in other ways? She didn’t think he could handle it. She didn’t trust him with the truth, and she needed to make the call when the timing was right. Perhaps the Maturosis assessment had struck a nerve with her more than she cared to admit. She may know the entire illness was nonsense, but she point-blank told her father that his ‘illness’ was rooted in his emotional regulation. She must have believed that to some degree, in order to stand her ground with him so firmly. Perhaps that was the root of her mistrust of him… he clenched his jaw and curled his hands into fists. Or… Or maybe she hadn’t quite fully accepted the truth by that point. There was, after all, the question of ‘when’. When did she realize this? Was it a single point in time where she had figured it all out, or was it something that had dawned on her over time? She admitted she fell for it early on… He closed his eyes, nodding to himself, recalling that she had been a bit overzealous the day of the ceremony. Even the morning after. He rolled his eyes, chiding himself; she had already admitted to him once that Kang’s spanking had jolted her, in a way. He had been overly compliant and the “perfect baby”, but she could tell he wasn’t happy, and she didn’t like it. That had to be it. She saw what it took to have a happy Little as a baby, and it contradicted her primary desire of having intellectual companionship. But that was… so early. And, as his face flushed with another round of anger, he had even given her an opening to admit it the first time his grandparents had left! He had given the opportunity to be forthcoming on a silver platter, and what had she said in response? ‘You’re funny, agaya.’ You’re funny. Funny! Why? Why didn’t she trust him?! He lifted his head and dropped it on the pillow, letting out a grunt quickly followed by a sigh. Maybe that hadn’t been it. Maybe that had just made her realize she valued his mind, but still thought his body was that of a toddler. Maybe it was their joint work on the earpiece… or the Maturosis meeting… or comparing him to Jae-yung… For all he knew, it wasn’t any one event, but the culmination of them. Though she had specifically said, “in the beginning”. He smacked his lips, his eyes scanning the mobile again as he nodded, recalling the promise she had made him after he finished translating his scroll. ‘But I have a plan. It may be slow – I may be slow. But I promise you that every day, you are my top priority.’ Again, anger took over. Why hadn’t she told him then? When she realized he had his own plans and was making his own waves, why not then?! He rolled onto his side and glared at the wall. Whatever she was telling herself, and trying to tell him, it wasn’t the whole truth. It couldn’t be. She still wanted her Little baby. She enjoyed the moments of feeding him and putting him in cutesy outfits. She took pleasure in those things just like any Amazon would! But… she also took pleasure in his displeasure. He closed his eyes as he felt a wave of guilt drain what little energy he had in his body. Of course she enjoyed it… for whatever reason, whether through isolation or infertility or both, she was convinced she would never have her own child. Of course she would find pleasure in the moments she could pretend he was her baby, but she equally, if not more, valued his annoyed reactions to it all. She was grateful to see he was still fighting it… fighting her. How had he not seen that? At that realization and having expended much of his rage in the process, he felt sleep fill his limbs with sand and weigh down his eyelids to keep them closed. His head felt like it doubled in weight and the darkness consumed his vision as he drifted off. As if no time had passed, he jerked awake in surprise at feeling a difference in everything about his body. He was upright, his arms felt more exposed to air than in the pajamas, and he felt the vibrations of Aunt Bones talking before his ears caught up to her drivel. He fought his eyelids to open as he took in a deep breath and noted he was in her arms at the breakfast table. He must have slept through her arrival and changing him… something his brain wasn’t quite ready to decide if he was grateful for or not. 『 That makes sense, 』Seo-ya said in response to something Adam hadn’t picked up in his hazy state, and his movement drew her attention. She shifted in her seat, humming softly as she stroked his back. “Good morning, sleepy baby.” He just groaned in response, lifting his hands to cover his face and rolling his eyes behind them at the chuckling. Still not feeling fully rested, and in no mood for Aunt and Uncle Shit-Bones, he lingered in a state of grogginess as long as humanly possible. This got him through bottled breakfast with his eyes closed, vaguely paying attention to Seo-ya’s yapping about upcoming social engagements and the timeline of things. He paid close enough attention to note that Shik had said, at least twice, that there was no known timeline presently. Adam liked to imagine both he and Uncle Shit checked out of the conversation about the same time. While apparently in her good graces enough not to be in mittens, Adam was still in locked-up walker prison after breakfast. Grimacing at it, Seo-ya grinned at him as she brushed his hair away from his forehead. “If you’re good, I’ll let you play in the playpen later,” she explained as she ran a hand down the side of his face, twisting her wrist so that her bony knuckles ran along his jaw; then she poked his nose with her index finger. He stared at her for a moment, his face frozen in a look he often had when something tasted bad but he didn’t want to offend the chef, and curtly nodded in acknowledgment of her. She smiled approvingly at him, and he couldn’t help but notice she seemed to be glowing. None of the stress or concern she had been carrying from the prior days lingered on her face. His stomach tensed a bit; either she was truly delusional in believing they had wholeheartedly achieved victory, or Kang really was giving in. (He supposed there was a third option — that Kang was giving all signs of a victory, without the intention to follow through, but it was hard for him to picture that kind of deceit from the Amazon.) Leaning forward and kissing his forehead, Adam bit down on the side of his tongue to avoid reacting too much in disgust, and let out a quiet sigh when she walked away. Lifting his hands to scratch at his head, he leaned forward and placed his elbows on the buttons. 『 Baby on the move! 』 『 Babies honk for ba-bas! 』 He jumped in surprise as the walker sprang to life, the buttons his elbows touched lighting up and the speaker blasting him with a cutesy, high-pitched voice recording. Both buttons he had selected made announcements and then little tunes to follow, plus the lights were blinking to indicate they had been activated. He blinked a few times, scanning the options before him in horror, realizing he had much preferred them to be nonfunctional. Now he was going to be inundated with noise and otherwise had very little space to lean or relax without activating it. “Good job!” Seo-ya chirped from behind him and clapped as if he had done anything worthy of such celebration; he kept his growl contained to his throat. If she meant this as a reward, he would rather she be punishing him at this point. “Can I take a nap?” he asked as he threw his head back, then turned it to the side to look at her. She had just begun to bury herself into her phone, and she shook her head as she pursed her lips slightly. “Not yet, baby, you just woke up,” she stated as she tapped her finger on her phone a few times before looking up and over at him. “Though, I suppose very young babies do require a lot of sleep…” “Never mind,” he grumbled, shooting her a glare as he received the threat quickly, causing adrenaline to shoot through his gut and limbs. He didn’t know how much “younger” Seo-ya could manage to treat him, but it wasn’t worth finding out. Staring at the array of options in front of him (buttons, levers, the steering wheel, and horn), he thought it was best to get his curiosity out quickly and just activate them all to know what he had. 『 Warning: this baby makes sudden turns! 』 『 Look out, it’s a new driver! 』 『 Who needs to walk when you’ve got wheels! 』 ‘Warning: hypnotic wave patterns detected. Countermeasures activated.’ Adam’s eyes grew twice in size as he stared down at the buttons, his hands frozen with his fingers spread out and locked into place. The voice wasn’t chipper and cute, but automated and serious. Perhaps a remnant of Joomi’s programming before Boja had added in Little Boja’s voice, and didn’t think such a serious topic warranted a cutesy voice. Though he also briefly wondered why it announced this, but not the protection measures from the crib mobile’s jingling. Perhaps he needed Little Boja for that? But then he had him last night. His nostrils flared in irritation; it didn’t matter. Or at least, that wasn’t important right now. What was important was figuring out what triggered the hypnotic sounds. His eyes scanned the buttons, wondering which was the culprit — or was it all of them? Was it a series you touched in order or just a single activation? Was it the same button, or did it change to be random? He swallowed hard, his curiosity firing all of his brain’s cylinders at once, and his heart raced with both excitement and fear. The earpiece appeared to be working, but was it worth risking it to keep pushing buttons? He wasn’t even sure any of those questions needed answering. Though one question did plague him as he looked over at Seo-ya: did she know? She was staring down into her phone, a smile plastered on her face as she scrolled. She was absorbed into whatever she was doing. Looking back to the buttons, he frowned; she must not know, which was somewhat worse. That meant that despite it being illegal in Goryeo, it was still available for purchase and use by unknowing (and, if he were being honest, probably unconcerned) Amazons. He stared for a long beat before tapping the horn of the steering wheel. It sounded somewhat like a car horn, but it played a series of pleasant honks in a tune that one could even hum or sing, probably so that the prisoner couldn’t annoy their Amazon too much. Before he could muse on that too much, there was a noiseless sensation in his ear. It was reminiscent of when an airplane was ascending or descending, and the pressure change often caused the ears to pop. He tilted his head slightly, wincing as he lifted his hands to his ears and jiggled them to get the pop, but none came. Instead, the pressure dissipated slowly. His eyes looked back to the horn; he arched an eyebrow, and he beeped it again. He winced, feeling that same pressure as he tilted his head and waited it out this time. Unlike with the mobile, the sound around him didn’t adjust the same way, but the pressure felt as if it were muffling the ambient sounds of the room. Having not tested or participated in the development of the hypnotic countermeasures, he presumed this was a result of them, and hoped that meant it was working. He glared down at the horn; of course it would be that part. The one arguably fun part, if any Little were to allow themselves fun in this sort of contraption. Sighing, he leaned back, crossed his arms over his chest, and adjusted himself as far away from the buttons as possible. Angling his head upwards to stare at the ceiling, he thought back to Joomi’s explanation of hypnosis. The Silent Whisper. Two audio waves beyond hearing, one to relax the body, one to bounce within the mind and inject thoughts as if they were his own. If he recalled correctly, she had said technically it could affect Amazons, but it was calibrated to impact Littles. Closing his eyes and taking in a deep breath, he pictured the wavelengths he saw on the massive screen when she had been explaining it. One low wave, one high wave… If these waves could affect Amazons, that meant their physiology was similar enough. The biggest difference, pun intended, was size… and to get the waves to affect an Amazon’s brain with the same intensity that it affected Littles, he would need to adjust the sound waves themselves. Meaning even lower for the lowest theta waves, and higher for the ultrasonic. He grimaced, knowing that was fairly unlikely. He’d need computerized access to the walker’s programming, and he’d need to know that the speakers could project those extremes. Adam’s eyes opened wide as he had a thought: if the earpiece could cancel out the sound waves, it meant it could emit those sound waves. It had to be able to emit in order to cancel them out. He wondered if he could get a recording of the waves; would it cancel them out if he played them back in his ear? Could he use Little Boja to adjust the frequencies and play them back out of his earpiece while he was in Seo-ya’s arms? An impish grin came across his face. It was worth it to try. Twisting in the walker, he grabbed at the edge to keep himself facing Aunt Bones. “Auntie? May I have Little Boja, please?” he asked as sweetly as possible without going saccharine, pointing toward the nursery through the ceiling. “What about your kangaroo?” she questioned without looking up from her phone. Adam frowned in consideration and shrugged. “Yeah, both would be nice, please,” he accepted with a shrug, gesturing to the walker. “I want to drive them around.” Seo-ya’s shoulder rose up as she let out a laugh, seemingly charmed by that, and nodded as she stood up. Finally taking her eyes off her phone, she stepped up to him and crouched down, her eyes scanning him in a hungry manner, and she reached her hand out to run her fingers through his hair. “Okay, baby, I’ll get your little friends,” she purred as her tone rode the line between loving and condescension. He pursed his lips as he tried to recoil from her, but didn’t have enough space to succeed. Her eyes sparkled at him for a moment before she returned to her full height and walked out of the room. He sneered at her as he tried to reason out what the hell that was about, but shook his head, chalking it up to her normal weirdness. Besides, his focus was mainly split between two things: his new plan, and his continued processing of Joomi’s confession. The latter was constantly on his mind, even if it wasn’t at the forefront, and now with no further action but to wait for Little Boja, he returned to that topic while he had silence. Staring down at the steering wheel, he smiled slightly as he was flooded with gratitude. Despite her inability to see the worst in her family and having no reason to believe he would ever be separated from her like this, she still prioritized these protections to safeguard him. She really did value who he was. So, maybe she had a point in not trusting him with this information. Maybe she knew him better than he wanted to admit. He bit his lip as he thought back to her emotional regulation comment… he supposed, from her perspective, he had been reckless and impatient in how he found her (which, if he remembered correctly, she said as much to him in front of the doctors), he had chewed her out in front of her family despite her attempts to warn him, he had mocked the doctor in the meeting despite her warning not to embarrass her… He cocked his head as he was reminded of Mung’s comment in the car after Zhang’s. “I think Adam can handle it. In the moments where he didn’t, it was because he felt, or was, alone.” It had been this argument that convinced her to go for burgers. She had taken this point very seriously — he could vividly recall the distant look in her eyes, the same she always did when she was deep in thought. Maybe that was why she confessed during this time… she didn’t want him to feel alone. Abandoned. Because that was when he made his worst decisions. “Here you go, baby,” Seo-ya cooed as she handed him both of the plushes. He jumped slightly in surprise, having been so deep in his thoughts he hadn’t paid attention to her arrival, but he smiled widely all the same as he took each one into his arms. “Thank you, Auntie,” he replied excitedly and hugged them simultaneously; he wished that had been for her benefit, but he genuinely was happy to have them. She made quick work of pulling out her phone and snapping a photo, which caused a burn in his cheeks, and he began stuffing Hopper into the seat with him. He spent a little extra time making sure Hopper was secured, moving her around unnecessarily until Seo-ya had returned to the couch. Grinning, he grabbed Little Boja and turned him around to face the steering wheel. “Okay, Little Boja, listen up!” ‘Recording started!’ the voice enthusiastically responded, and Adam was delighted. Due to the intense distraction of Joomi’s message, he hadn’t tested out the recording feature yet, so it was a leap of faith that the command would work. “This is the steering wheel,” Adam continued, knowing he couldn’t just announce ‘listen up’ and say nothing afterward. “And thiiiiis is the horn.” Taking Little Boja’s paw, he used the plush to honk the horn, this time grinning when he felt the change in pressure in his ear. He pressed the horn again, and again, and again, and again, and again. “Oookay, okay, Little Boja! Time to stop,” he over-exaggerated as he laughed, shaking his head at the stuffed tiger and tossing a ‘kids, am I right?’ look to Seo-ya, who lifted a hand to her mouth as she chuckled. ‘Recording stopped!’ Perfect. Now, the worst part… he looked at Little Boja, aware of the exact buttons needed to play back the recording. He had to know if the protection would work in the playback, as it was his only way of knowing if he could leverage the earpiece to blast the waves back. He took in a deep breath and carefully tapped on the eyes and nose, glancing over at Seo-ya to verify she was buried in her phone again. It started with his voice, explaining the steering wheel, the horn, and — Adam’s eyes fluttered as his brain became fuzzy and suddenly all of his limbs grew heavy. His body and mind entered an utterly relaxed state, causing his head to roll backward and his mouth to drop open slightly. He practically melted into the walker, and although he wasn’t tired enough to sleep, his body felt like it was in a trance. Little Boja’s fur felt incredibly soft and interesting, which prompted him to check Hopper’s fur, which was also soft and interesting, but in a different way. He was smiling but didn’t know it. He drooled slightly and didn’t know it. His diaper warmed and he didn’t know it. His eyes were drawn to every interesting color, shape, and light, which prompted him to look at the buttons in front of him. They were made of interesting shapes and flashing lights. Somewhere, deep within, was a hesitation in touching them, yet he felt drawn to them by an intense curiosity and joy. His arm slowly reached out, fighting against the immense weight of his limbs, and slapped down on a blue light. 『 Babies honk for ba-bas! 』 He let out a giggle. The voice was cute and chipper, and the little musical notes that accompanied it seemed to strengthen the sound of certain words. He hit the same button again. Babies. Ba-bas. He leaned against Hopper as he hit the button again; the tune was so pleasant, the light was so bright, and the purple fur was so soft. He was in a sensory elysium. Everything felt and looked interesting. He nuzzled the side of his head into Hopper, closing his eyes as he felt the soft fur against his face. He could do that all day. It was as if he felt every single gentle strand of fur tickling his skin. Slowly, he wrapped his arms around the kangaroo and pulled her into as strong a hug as he could muster, and turned his face into her stomach, wanting to press all of the softness against his entire face. After what felt like an eternity of nuzzling, he felt a hard bump against his chin. He investigated this by pressing his face further into Hopper and rubbing around, feeling the cylindrical shape in the pocket. The battery! Adam sat up with a sharp inhale, suddenly aware of the drool on his lip that he had rubbed into the purple kangaroo. Grimacing in an apology, he lifted his hand up to dry his mouth, wincing at how much of a struggle it was to move. He felt weighed down and weak, like gravity had been turned up a notch. His eyes were still drawn to lights and sounds, but the effects were gradually fading. He spent a few minutes wiggling his fingers and toes to re-establish control of himself. He briefly glanced over at the couch where Seo-ya remained, curious if she had noticed anything, but she was in a different spot. Had she moved, or gotten up and come back? His head swiveled in the other direction, seeing she had set up water to boil for rice… She was about to make lunch. He clenched his jaw, furious at both the lost time and how recklessly idiotic he had been (it helped override the fear of what just happened). The recording had bypassed the safeguards altogether, blasting the hypnotic waves millimeters from his eardrums. What an idiot he had been. Of course it would. The safeguards were monitoring incoming sounds, not sounds it was producing itself. Moron! He brought his hands up to cover his face, grimacing at the struggle though his body was slowly recovering. And worse, fucking worse, if he had turned off the translations beforehand, at least he would have had the comfort of not knowing the words it was trying to shove into his thoughts! The day after Joomi confessed to help keep him sane, no less! He paused, realizing that very well might be why. Or, at least, he felt something in his gut tell him they were related. Glancing to Little Boja, he wrapped his arm around him and pulled him into a hug, letting his gaze look towards the distance as he tried to probe that thought. Why would he be more reckless now that he had that information? Why was he pushing himself more now, into the offense rather than keeping up his defenses? His shoulders sagged as he realized he was trying to prove himself, and as he closed his eyes and deflated more, he knew the answer pretty quickly. He had wanted to prove himself to Joomi on his own. She was better than him in almost every intellectual pursuit, except he had dared to believe he was more emotionally intelligent. That she was so emotionally compromised when it came to her family: too trusting and too obedient to her father to believe he could be mistaken about Adam’s condition. He was grateful on the one hand, but resentful on the other. It was his mission to prove her wrong about him, and now, like with everything else, he was only going to achieve that goal because of her. Digging his fingers into Little Boja, his entire body tensed up at the recognition and acceptance of that, causing a flood of spiraling emotions. He was annoyed at himself for it, feeling ungrateful and immature, followed by a defense that it was fair to want to achieve something – anything – given how much had been taken from him. He naturally then wanted to move into problem-solving mode, to try and figure out how best to feel he could still prove himself without being reckless and dumb… but his emotions weren’t ready to move on yet. He needed to talk this out. He needed to have the conversation with her, or at least be able to talk to Boja. He needed to be able to externally process, to walk through each step, and hear other, salient opinions. Adam heard a clearing of a throat in his mind as he let out a small laugh. It was ridiculous, it was childish, but it was his only good option. It wasn’t like Seo-ya would make for any kind of good conversation. ‘I was wondering when you’d ask us,’ the feminine voice he had chosen for Hopper spoke in his mind, and Adam leaned back in the walker, grinning at the purple kangaroo. ‘Cut me some slack, I’ve been a little stressed lately,’ Adam thought in response as he positioned the two plushes somewhat in front of him. ‘That’s fair!’ Little Boja chirped happily (in Adam’s mind, but he imagined the same voice Boja had programmed). ‘You both were there for Eomma’s confession,’ Adam began once the two were settled and he crossed his arms. ‘I’m really struggling with it. I’m mad at her for not telling me sooner, I’m mad at her for telling me now of all times, and I’m mad she’s known all this time. She’s robbed me of proving myself to her.’ ‘What makes you say that?’ Hopper asked curiously. ‘Don’t you think she might have figured it out precisely because of you?’ ‘No, I think she realized I could be forced into compliance,’ Adam sighed, his eyes looking down at the bulging diaper, the bulky padding forced upwards from the pressure of being suspended in the walker. Yet the visual didn’t register to him much, as he was focused on the conversation. ‘And she knew that isn’t sickness. That’s fear.’ ‘Without being able to talk to her, we can’t know how long or why she’s known. It’ll just be a maddening spiral of suppositions,’ Hopper continued sagely. ‘Perhaps it is best to focus on what you can answer: your own feelings on the matter.’ Adam nodded. ‘Why are you mad she told you now?’ Little Boja asked, sounding sort of hurt. ‘I thought I brought good news!’ ‘You did,’ the blonde grinned and patted the stuffed tiger’s head. ‘I… understand why she told me now. I think I’ve worked that one out. But I’m still hurt she hid it from me. She lied without lying; she fed me, changed me, made me sleep in a crib, all while knowing none of it was necessary. It was all within her power to tell me, give me a goal to shoot for, let me be free and myself while no one was around. It could have been our secret, instead of just hers.’ ‘But you’ve kept your secrets too,’ Little Boja countered curiously, his voice and personality sounding innocent rather than pointed like Boja’s usually was. ‘Like my kibun?’ Adam asked as he raised an eyebrow, then imagined the stuffed tiger nodding. ‘That’s different. If I had told her my plans, to help heal her self-image and Halbo’s grief, she would have dissected every request I ever made. She would have known my angle or been anticipating there was always some ulterior motive. Like, she never would have agreed to getting burgers if she had known it was solely to get her out in public. She thought she was doing me a kindness in getting food I missed.’ He paused as he looked up to the ceiling. ‘Which… she was; that was an added benefit.’ There was a long pause, though it wasn’t purposeful or for drama’s sake. Adam’s brain seized on a realization after he had explained his own reason for withholding his kibun for her. His eyes moved to Hopper, and he forced the conversation to continue, because his thoughts were too scrambled. He needed the dialogue for clarity. ‘Perhaps that same logic could be applied to her intentions,’ Hopper stated, and Adam slowly nodded. ‘If I had known, I would have fought for every bit of autonomy that I could get in private,’ he began assessing himself in this hypothetical situation. ‘I would have been so focused on getting her to tell the family the truth about me that… I…’ He swallowed in his pause, not wanting to believe this about himself, but he had to voice it and see how he felt. ‘I would have been so focused on that goal that I would have missed so much. I would have been resentful of playing with Jae-yung, wanting to keep my distance from associating with other diapered Littles. I wouldn’t have talked about my dream with anyone because of the diaper… I… I would have been resentful of Halmae’s reading me bedtime stories, or Mung’s gentleness, or…’ He closed his eyes, knowing there was a lot of truth in what he was saying, and a pain that came with it. ‘I would have expected her to intellectually tear the Maturosis nut jobs apart and been mad when she didn’t. I would have wanted her to stand up to Shik more, to Seo-ya more, and I would have… been the tiger. Too abrasive, too forceful, too demanding.’ ‘And Kang would have seen that,’ Little Boja stated thoughtfully. ‘Rather than the love and joy you have brought to his daughter’s life.’ ‘But the path of the rabbit proves there are other ways to achieve your ends,’ Hopper stated with an air of approval in her voice, and it was now that Adam was starting to realize how much his voice for the kangaroo sounded like Joomi. ‘She needed her family to see you happy and thriving. She needed you to accept your physical circumstances so that you were calm in the face of the worst — like this. Like now.’ Adam audibly gasped, then let out a nervous, forced giggle to cover it up. Seo-ya didn’t seem to move or care much; thank goodness for that damn phone of hers. ‘You’re right,’ Adam marveled at the kangaroo and smiled at the tiger. ‘By accepting this bullshirts, I found what I could enjoy. I found where I could be happy, and let her be happy, and - and if she had told me, how fudging fucked would I be right now?’ He grinned, momentarily feeling triumphant and accomplished. But it quickly faded as other questions and irritations were now given space to manifest. He knew all this in hindsight… that didn’t mean she knew it to be true from the onset. He had an answer, in the end, as to why objectively it had been a good idea to withhold from him, but he didn’t have her answer. But at present, he was tired of being mad at her. He missed her. Badly. And he wondered, only for a moment, how much of his yearning to be back home was fueling his anger. He looked down at the buttons and felt a jolt of fear he had been ignoring. Despite the overwhelming simple joy he had felt from that hypnotic recording, he was terrified of how effective it had been, how addictive that could become, and how mind-numbing he had felt in the moment. Some days he had wished his brain would shut up or be quieter, but after that experience, he may never wish that again. Glancing over at Seo-ya, he frowned, uncomfortable with the words that were bubbling up in his throat, but it was better than the alternative. “Auntie? Can I sit with you, please?” he asked sheepishly as he pulled the two plushes in front of him, shielding himself from the buttons and steering wheel. “With me?” she echoed suspiciously, arching an eyebrow as her eyes finally lifted from her phone. “Why?”  He hesitated, wondering only for a moment if it was really worth getting away from this thing, but the words racing from his gut to his mouth already knew the answer. “I miss my Mommy,” he admitted sadly, his eyes dropping to the floor, feeling a deep sting in his gut at how easy the words came to him, and how easy it was to call her that. He felt his body begin to deflate when his words were only met with silence, and he closed his eyes, hanging his head, knowing he had to give her just a little more. “And… I want a hug.” “Ohhh, babyyyy,” Seo-ya sang in a saccharine tone, her phone immediately tossed onto the cushion as she made all haste to her feet and over to him. Lifting him up would have been easier, had he not insisted on holding onto the tiger and kangaroo, but thankfully Aunt Bones was too deep into her feelings to be annoyed at that. She cooed and purred at him, making note of how sweet it was, and that she’d cuddle them all (which was nice, because their plushiness made up for her bony edges). He felt his entire face turn red as he tried to curl into a ball, the gratitude of being away from the walker unable to mask the embarrassment of a deeply uncomfortable fact: despite everything, her hug did make him feel better. At that realization, he made a few taps on Little Boja’s eyes and nose to replay the beginning of that third message once more. ‘Adam.’

Thank you! And hehehe yeah it's a quirk of my writing. Sometimes I worry there isn't enough substance, or it didn't get far enough in the moment, but when I consider jumping ahead, I realize there's something I really don't want to skip over. Next chapter shouldn't be as long in between as this last one though! Thank you so much!! 💜 I missed it so I'm very happy to be back!

Ate a little chicken salad and seem to be holding it down. No pain at the moment aside from the headache. Was feeling dizzy so figured I better try and eat something.

I have been to Zocca. That's were I first heard of him. Eventually, I heard "Sally", which obviously became central in my playlist.

Hope no one noticed!