Getting Surgery in Mexico

[Diapered Dave]

I'm glad you're in a good spot right now with your incontinence. These last two posts sound like you are accepting  the fact that you will have to wear diapers permanently now. I think once you tweak your clothing styles and sizes, your diapers will not cause you as much stress.

[superabsorbantpolymer]

2 hours ago, Reddy said:

@BrownBobby I appreciate your help, I did talk to my doctor and he said I could cut the dose in half and see if I am still doing okay but when I cut it in half I just felt like quitting it.  So I am not supposed to quit, but I wanted to try it.  Yeap everything feels different with my decisions, not just the incontinence.

I think I like the thought about getting mental help but I don't want to tell them what is going on.  I don't think I can tell them the whole secret of why I did the surgery.  I'm afraid they would tell my other doctors.  And I also don't want to talk about the truth because I just don't really like the truth.  I like the story I told my doctors best.  So I dont think I can talk to them about it.

Therapists have a confidentiality principle, where if you aren't a danger to yourself or others then they cannot tell anyone about your discussions. Of course that doesn't mean they won't ever leak info but generally they won't. They hear all sorts of very personal and difficult things from people as a job. If anything I was kinda surprised how nonchalantly my therapist responded when I opened up about diapers. It's something we build up in our heads, a lot of abdls have deep shame associated with this but it's really not that big of a deal. I understand your fears but it's your life and they are there to help you be the happiest, calmest, best version of your self. It wouldn't hurt to discuss at least what you've done so far, and then talk about bowel plans later.

2 hours ago, Reddy said:

 

@cathdiap for me the medication changes me a lot, there is tons of stuff I don't think I would have done if I wasn't on the medication, so I dont know if I would have gotten the surgery, but I still wanted it.  If I don't like it anymore after I quit the medication I just have to get used to incontinence iotherwise go back on the medication.  But I like incontinence so I dont think that will be a problem.  I still want the bowel surgery but I am going to try to think more about it.

I'm glad you like being incontinent even without the meds. I think that's my biggest worry about doing something permanent like this, that I might have a change of mindset and feel very differently at some point. Kind of like a binge and purge cycle, (except precipitated by a change in serotonin levels in your case).

2 hours ago, Reddy said:

I had another situation yesterday where I had to dress up for an occasion and my only pants turned out to be really revealing (in my opinion) and also my diaper was too loud with them.  It was my dress pants being too thin and lightweight of fabric compared to jeans.  I could not believe I HAD to wear a diaper, it wasn't just going along with what I was enjoying, and I was almost paralyzed for a minute getting dressed. 

 

2 hours ago, Reddy said:

But I got over it and then it was fine.  Anybody can become incontinent and they have to just deal with it, and I am no different.  I don't have any choice, just like people who become incontinent.  It just happens that this is my fault.  But I think you can get used to anything, because you have too right?

That's awesome, I love how you literally have no choice now. I know the anxiety and indecision when dressing and trying to conceal my diaper. On occasion I've cheated and removed it. More often I'll opt for a pull up. But you have no choice but to wear a bulky noisy high capacity diaper. Do you think other people at the event noticed your diaper? Do you think it became more noticeable as it swelled during the event? 

 

[cathdiap]

2 hours ago, Reddy said:

Of course since I chose incontinence, which is a very strange thing to do, I chose a form of punishment in my life.  I am happy with it.  I also enjoy the discussion around it, of course since I post this thread, a part of my journey is sharing all of it.

So you enjoy your incontinence as a kind of punishment, but you let me and maybe others think that you are really suffering from the consequences of a bad decision. You knowingly let me participate in your little S&M game without letting me know.

Well, at least I was on the right track when I wondered out loud if you were trolling us.

I'm outta here!

[Reddy]

I'm sorry @cathdiap

I agree with you because I don't think I should be liking it.  I shouldn't complain while liking it.  Or I shouldn't complain at all.  I should probably just enjoy it simply, but I also don't like when I enjoy it.  It feels wrong, and it is, and I shouldn't enjoy while talking about complaining.  The complaining seems better, but it's not honest, I do like diapers and I do desire incontinence.

Having the surgery is all a huge lie, the whole thing.  I really hate that it's a lie.  I don't want to talk to professionals about it because I don't like anything about what I did.  It's okay to be incontinent and need diapers, but it's really strange to desire it and even go so far as to make myself truly incontinent.  All because I wanted to.

I wish I only regretted it and didn't like it.  It would be simpler.

It feels pretty disgusting to enjoy it.  It always has.

You are right that I was wrong in different ways that I talked about it.  I described the bad parts and I wanted to explore all of those.  But I made people concerned and worse I also have enjoyment of facets of all of the different parts of this, that I don't like, I also have enjoyment.

People have complained in this thread that all I want, is to do whatever I want with no regard to society.  How can I deny that?  It's is obviousy true.  I got surgery to change my body to become incontinent.  Which is something that is happening out in the world next to everyone.

My friends are genuinely thinking that I have had a terrible thing befall me.  But it is what I chose.  It's a big lie and it's wrong.

But it's not only the implication that I gave with them, it even happens here and to you.

Your accusation is very embarrassing because of its truth and ugliness.

I am truly sorry, and I don't like this part of me, but you are right.

[superabsorbantpolymer]

I don't think you need to apologize to anyone on here for venting about the struggles you've had adjusting. It's fine to have regrets, moments of frustration, as well as being happy. Life is complex and you have and will continue to have positive and negative feelings towards your incontinence.

Implying reddy is playing a game or somehow manipulating us by sharing his experience is trolling itself. Like seriously what do you expect on a 50+ page thread about making oneself incontinent. I want to hear his experience, warts and all. 

[Little Sherri]

1 hour ago, Reddy said:

I wish I only regretted it and didn't like it.  It would be simpler.

I think this is true for a lot of us, @Reddy. I wet the bed as a kid, and the pragmatic solution to that was to wear diapers. At some point along the way, I started liking it. I was a little, little kid, when I realized that, and I also realized that I couldn't tell anyone. Here I am, 40 years later, sitting in a damp diaper, reading your story. 

I wish I didn't like it, too, sometimes. But I do. I have not gone so far as to have surgery, but, I wear diapers 24/7. I'm somewhat engaged in the same "lie" that you are - some of my friends and family know, and absent information, they just assume that it's because I have to. Who'd want to? (Me). 

But I don't think I'm doing any harm to "society" - I'm not asking the world to pay for my unconventional underpants. You aren't, either - you're in a country where either your insurance pays for your medical care, or you do, but either way, you pay. If I like to downhill ski, and then I snap my femur like a twig, should insurance deny me coverage, because, you know, I like skiing? I did it for fun, not for any other reason? Or, if smoking is my thing, but it's slowly killing me, am I disqualified? No. 

As for the lie, in my case a lie of omission, is it causing some minor concerns among my friends? Maybe, but I don't sweat about it too much. I have a buddy whose lie is that he is really good with money, and he drives a BMW and has a cottage, but he shows signs that he is maybe starting to fray around the edges - we know what he does for a living and it doesn't entirely add up. His lie is that he's way out ahead, financially. Is that any of my business, when he wants to show me his new car? Should I ask him if he can really afford it? It's too late - he bought the car. I might say, "Hey, I'm fine with my 5-year-old car, things sure are expensive these days..." as a way to let him off the hook, if he wants to say "Yeah, man, maybe I shouldn't have bought this thing...", but it's not my job as his friend to interrogate him on it. 

So it goes with my weird plastic underpants. They know, some of them, because it's sometimes hard to hide 24/7, everywhere, but it's not their business, and I am not "taking advantage of them" if I let them believe that it's a not-big-deal bladder spasticity thing, or whatever. It's different if I say "Guys, it's bladder cancer, I might not be here next year..." THAT would be being an asshole. But those guys have arthritic knees and IBS and pre-diabetes, and they tell me about it. I don't feel like they're taking advantage of my sympathies. 

We like "this". It's weird. We gather here, like people who are into pony play gather somewhere else (maybe a barn...), to be with others like themselves, and talk openly. I admire how openly you've talked. "This" is largely harmless - it hurts our wallets and we get diaper rash sometimes, but we aren't hurting anyone else, as long as we're discreet and respectful. Taking drugs or drinking too much, or racing motorcycles or flying planes could all exact more harm on society and on our loved ones, than wearing absurd underwear. 

We need to be careful that we aren't hurting ourselves, however, and I think that's where you've engaged the "high limit alarm" on some of the people who have been following this, empathetic people who care about others. They don't want to see you spiral into other forms of self-harm, or make irrational decisions, or irreversibly alter yourself, absent careful consideration. And they are giving us all generally good advice about sudden starts or stops when taking psychotropic medications. Because sometimes we don't know who we are, while swirling about in the neurochemical storms that can arise, even while under close care. It's not about being smart, or unsmart, or good, or bad - your pancreas isn't acting immorally if it doesn't make enough insulin. So it goes if you don't make enough serotonin, for example. 

You are still reeling from your new reality... give yourself some time to find your sea legs. Think of it as being along the lines of the major life changes psychologists sometimes talk about - moving house, changing jobs, getting married, getting divorced, having kids, the death of a loved one... becoming incontinent definitely ranks with these. Nobody, ideally, should combine moving to a new city, starting a new job, going on a diet, joining a gym, trying to learn conversational Spanish, and, picking a tattoo. It's too much - you're going to fail at something, or you're going to get a bad tattoo. Let each change soak in for a bit (pun there...) before reaching for the next big change. Talk to people, talk to professionals, make moderate changes to other areas of your life, and give yourself some time. 

Again, thank you for your frank self-examination in what is, ultimately, a public stage surrounded by people wearing masks. 

[Reddy]

@Little Sherri Thank you, so much for that.  I think I'll read it many times.

[foreverdl]

5 hours ago, Reddy said:

I'm sorry @cathdiap

I agree with you because I don't think I should be liking it.  I shouldn't complain while liking it.  Or I shouldn't complain at all.  I should probably just enjoy it simply, but I also don't like when I enjoy it.  It feels wrong, and it is, and I shouldn't enjoy while talking about complaining.  The complaining seems better, but it's not honest, I do like diapers and I do desire incontinence.

Having the surgery is all a huge lie, the whole thing.  I really hate that it's a lie.  I don't want to talk to professionals about it because I don't like anything about what I did.  It's okay to be incontinent and need diapers, but it's really strange to desire it and even go so far as to make myself truly incontinent.  All because I wanted to.

I wish I only regretted it and didn't like it.  It would be simpler.

It feels pretty disgusting to enjoy it.  It always has.

You are right that I was wrong in different ways that I talked about it.  I described the bad parts and I wanted to explore all of those.  But I made people concerned and worse I also have enjoyment of facets of all of the different parts of this, that I don't like, I also have enjoyment.

People have complained in this thread that all I want, is to do whatever I want with no regard to society.  How can I deny that?  It's is obviousy true.  I got surgery to change my body to become incontinent.  Which is something that is happening out in the world next to everyone.

My friends are genuinely thinking that I have had a terrible thing befall me.  But it is what I chose.  It's a big lie and it's wrong.

But it's not only the implication that I gave with them, it even happens here and to you.

Your accusation is very embarrassing because of its truth and ugliness.

I am truly sorry, and I don't like this part of me, but you are right.

I did get very frustrated with your up and down, life changes when you have no control of any body functions . I say at this point keep working on accepting it , and find some way to make an excuse as to your leaking , for work family etc, they will find out , as they do just say you have gone to Dr's and you are accepting it as your new way of life and you don't want them to try to help you with ideas etc. And just move on with life, and secretly enjoy the wonderful feeling your body is giving you...The fact is you will have to get your Mind wrapped around that what you Wanted is now your new way of life. I wish I had the money to do it. Because I have issues where I cannot pee, and then I go to flood stages. It will take time...

[Reddy]

9 minutes ago, foreverdl said:

I did get very frustrated with your up and down

If I have to get used to life changes you can all get used to an up and down

So get used to this or get lost like the other one did

Guess what, I was sorry before, now I'm mad.  Enjoy the variety of emotions!  Not my problem what you people think about me.

9 minutes ago, foreverdl said:

and secretly enjoy the wonderful feeling your body is giving you

Yes, I will do this and everybody else can deal with it.  I don't care today.

[tj-smol]

Honestly, the ups and downs are useful because they're helping me with what I do snd do not want personally to hear how it goes for someone with the surgery.

[VA diaper boy]

@Reddy, having had prostate surgery too, I agree that the retrograde ejaculation is actually a good thing for those of us that must wear diapers due to incontinence.  I now no longer have a sticky messy diaper after some fun in the diaper.  I just keep the same diaper on and I no longer need to change the diaper.  

[Elfy]

I've just caught up on the thread.

I will echo what others have said and suggest you speak to a professional therapist. I'm not trying to suggest you're crazy or that you've done anything wrong, I just think you've taken a big step and having someone to help process it might help you going forwards. I've found that having an impartial person that I can talk to with complete honesty and without judgment is very useful in getting my thoughts in order and helping to make a plan going forwards.

I've seen you mention bowel incontinence and would caution against, at least for now. I wouldn't make any deliberate move in that direction without doing what I said above at least. I suggest that because your posts here have shown some indecisive thinking. At times you are talking about the struggles and inconveniences of being incontinent, but then flip it around and start talking about creating a form of incontinence which would be many times more inconvenient and difficult. I think there was one post where you said how horrible it must be and that you'd have second thoughts and then a few sentences later say you wanted it again.

Again, I'm not going to tell you what you should or shouldn't do with your body. My advice is just to speak with a therapist to a) process what you've already done and b) work out what you really want to do going forwards.

Enjoying all the updates to your life though and would be happy to read more

I am considering moving this to the Incon- Medical forum though, your journey sort of straddles the line of both quite a bit!

[Reddy]

9 hours ago, VA diaper boy said:

@Reddy, having had prostate surgery too, I agree that the retrograde ejaculation is actually a good thing for those of us that must wear diapers due to incontinence.  I now no longer have a sticky messy diaper after some fun in the diaper.  I just keep the same diaper on and I no longer need to change the diaper.  

It is kind of nice.  Also I found if I push I can have some pee come out when I am coming and I get to feel the same feeling of ejaculating, but it's pee instead.  Even some of it is cum.  But it is nice having that feeling of ejaculating even if it is just pee.

5 hours ago, Elfy said:

I've just caught up on the thread.

I will echo what others have said and suggest you speak to a professional therapist. I'm not trying to suggest you're crazy or that you've done anything wrong, I just think you've taken a big step and having someone to help process it might help you going forwards. I've found that having an impartial person that I can talk to with complete honesty and without judgment is very useful in getting my thoughts in order and helping to make a plan going forwards.

I've seen you mention bowel incontinence and would caution against, at least for now. I wouldn't make any deliberate move in that direction without doing what I said above at least. I suggest that because your posts here have shown some indecisive thinking. At times you are talking about the struggles and inconveniences of being incontinent, but then flip it around and start talking about creating a form of incontinence which would be many times more inconvenient and difficult. I think there was one post where you said how horrible it must be and that you'd have second thoughts and then a few sentences later say you wanted it again.

Again, I'm not going to tell you what you should or shouldn't do with your body. My advice is just to speak with a therapist to a) process what you've already done and b) work out what you really want to do going forwards.

Enjoying all the updates to your life though and would be happy to read more

I am considering moving this to the Incon- Medical forum though, your journey sort of straddles the line of both quite a bit!

Thanks, I will wait on anything bowel related for a while, at least four months.  I will still think about getting a professional therapist to talk to.  Maybe I will do it, I will at least consider it.  I am fine with it in the medical section, can I keep going on the same one or do I have to make a new one?  It would be cool to keep all the same thread going.  Thanks, I will keep sharing updates.  I like sharing even though it doesn't always go smooth, I still want to post and I want it to be overall positive and I try for that and I will keep it positive.

[Elfy]

2 hours ago, Reddy said:

I am fine with it in the medical section, can I keep going on the same one or do I have to make a new one?  It would be cool to keep all the same thread going.

I would be able to move the whole thread. I think I'll leave it here for now because it is still primarily about the desire for incontinence and others looking for advice may find this thread useful

[Squeaky Bearsies]

On 10/23/2024 at 9:09 PM, Reddy said:

I am feeling two ways right now.  On the one hand I would never poop my diaper because I could never in a million years choose to do that.  I will never choose something so damaging socially.  On the other hand, if I am incontinent I will not be prevented from living my life including social things.  At least, that is my assumption.  I think my pride would not let me accept some false idea that I should no longer participate in my life.  Life should bend to what we want.

But yet I know that my concepts of bowel incontinence are not complete.  It is clear on a logical level that in reality I would be surprised, just like with urinary incontinence.

I can understand that, but I don’t want to pay heed to that.  I want to focus purely on becoming incontinent.  That is a much more enjoyable focus than focusing on hard thinking and conscious deliberation.

I can see how this looks self destructive.  It is not self destructive by intention, even if perhaps self destructive in outcome.

I can also acknowledge how professional help might assist in sorting out these ideas.

I feel many new and different ideas at different times and these changes seem more frequent.

I quit taking my ssri abruptly and the entire world feels different with a different texture of thought and feeling.  I understand this from previous times I suddenly quit taking it.  I believe basically the ssri is bad and I should not take it.  My doctor says it is fine to take forever but I believe it is wrong.  However, I am able to keep living, so I take it.

I will not allow myself to be in unnecessary danger.  If needed, I take it.  I will never seek to endanger myself.  Taking the ssri is worth that.

I just want to quit it so I stopped.

It is making me post more here on the site too, so I am more alive when I quit.

Oh yeah, I forgot I had to bring diapers with me once and there was no room to bring them all.  I shipped two boxes to my destination.  It was so stupid dealing with that.  When I don't have a diaper with me I go crazy.  Like how tf is this happening, but I have to have one.

Well maybe you can ship some boxes of diapers everywhere you will be going.

Otherwise what I think you have to do is just use cloth diapers.  Only like a half dozen so you can fit them in your luggage.  Then wash and dry them every day.  Just in the shower with you until they are clean.

I can understand why you would want to get off your medication BUT never go cold turkey. My wife and I are strongly against big pharm and I even helped get my wife off that crap and replaced it with much safer holistic treatment. But I never let her go cold turkey. It's extremely dangerous....I know because my brother has schizophrenia and many times he would go cold turkey and he would be flying off the walls and violent. So yeah I think your brain is screaming that something is wrong with your meds and to seek healthier alts. Again just do it responsibly. In my opinion if stay away from the psychiatrist. I feel they actually in cases make people's mentals illnesses worse 

[Squeaky Bearsies]

On 10/19/2024 at 1:23 AM, cathdiap said:

I have worn stents and diapers a few times in front of family members and I have to say that those were the least exciting moments. It just feels wrong to do something that comes from a sexual desire in front of family members, even if they don't know about it.

For me, it's another reason not to have the incontinence surgery.

My mother found out about my diaper fetish when I was in my late teens. So if she found out that I still wear diapers during visits, she would definitely think that I was doing sexual things in front of her and she would definitely not be happy about it. She would also never believe me if I told her that I accidentally became incontinent.

It really sucks if your mother knows about your fetish.

This is exactly my fear... unfortunately my mom found out I liked to wear diapers when I was 14 when she and my dad got in a big fight and she was thinking of divorcing him....well when I thought we were leaving to my grandparents I remembered I left my diapers in a plastic tub in my room. So I stupidly told my mom so I could get them out of there before my dad found them. And unfortunately my little brother told her more info than I wanted to her to know...like telling her I wanted to damage my bladder. So even though it's been 20 years im paranoid she still remembers. And like you said she would probably be very suspicious if I got the surgery or I was wearing diapers 24/7.

And like you I don't want them to think I'm constantly thinking about sexual stuff by wearing around others. Even though I don't, alot times I forget about my diaper. I'm not constantly turned on especially around my parents. But I still feel weird wearing something around people that turns me on. I mean I guess it's not a huge deal...many people with other kinks like butt plugs wear them around people and no one cares. So I guess I just need to get over it.

[Reddy]

@foreverdl also I apologize to you because I overreacted to one little thing and I appreciated your post, and all your past posts to me.  I am sorry.

For everybody else if you might be concerned I decided to take half the dose of my ssri that my doctor said, so I am going to still be taking that, and also I have a 2nd anti depressant that is not ssri that I never stopped and will keep taking that one too.  I just wanted to say that because I agree that this cold turkey on a ssri was not good and it is not what I am doing anymore.  I am still getting some of what I want by going low on this dose but did not quit and will talk to my doctor too.  Even if I don't see a therapist I will still also consider it, I haven't forgotten it.

[foreverdl]

1 hour ago, Reddy said:

@foreverdl also I apologize to you because I overreacted to one little thing and I appreciated your post, and all your past posts to me.  I am sorry.

For everybody else if you might be concerned I decided to take half the dose of my ssri that my doctor said, so I am going to still be taking that, and also I have a 2nd anti depressant that is not ssri that I never stopped and will keep taking that one too.  I just wanted to say that because I agree that this cold turkey on a ssri was not good and it is not what I am doing anymore.  I am still getting some of what I want by going low on this dose but did not quit and will talk to my doctor too.  Even if I don't see a therapist I will still also consider it, I haven't forgotten it.

Reddy, thank you , I may get worked up in things that  I say also, Me being old and disabled money is a very important issue . I am working may way to having no control of urine, I have soo many life problems chronic pain, breathing , cannot do a Most  of the things I used to do and I try to do a small project and I am winded soo fast, etc etc. I have heard of people that can't live unless they have certain disability issues . I do wish you well in the adventure and that's really what it is an adventure , with lots of bends and curves and crashes coming on the road...

[foreverdl]

5 hours ago, foreverdl said:

Reddy, thank you , I may get worked up in things that  I say also, Me being old and disabled money is a very important issue . I am working may way to having no control of urine, I have soo many life problems chronic pain, breathing , cannot do a Most  of the things I used to do and I try to do a small project and I am winded soo fast, etc etc. I have heard of people that can't live unless they have certain disability issues . I do wish you well in the adventure and that's really what it is an adventure , with lots of bends and curves and crashes coming on the road...

THE Jerk that put the Laughing comment you know where you can Go and get real Hot.... If you think being disabled is funny I can't say the words on here that I Real need to say, But I really hope you are very badly disabled and soon..

[Reddy]

I agree there shouldn't be laughing replies on something serious.  Most other forums I used showed the name who put which reaction.  It should be public because some people put reactions that are wrong that they shouldn't put.

[foreverdl]

8 minutes ago, Reddy said:

I agree there shouldn't be laughing replies on something serious.  Most other forums I used showed the name who put which reaction.  It should be public because some people put reactions that are wrong that they shouldn't put.

If I could I would have the animal sending the stupid laughing removed from this Site forever your as good as my behind and you do know what that is and what comes out is also you..........;.

[zzyzx]

35 minutes ago, foreverdl said:

If I could I would have the animal sending the stupid laughing removed from this Site forever your as good as my behind and you do know what that is and what comes out is also you..........;.

I do see who posts the reactions to posts.  I'm guessing it is tied to those who have "paid" to buy a year badge get to see that info.....  There is one specific user that has been using a "confused" reaction to a lot of posts....  I haven't gone back to find where the laughing reaction was left....

[DailyDi]

The software does not show us (admins) who reacted to the posts.

[Reddy]

8 minutes ago, zzyzx said:

I do see who posts the reactions to posts.  I'm guessing it is tied to those who have "paid" to buy a year badge get to see that info.....  There is one specific user that has been using a "confused" reaction to a lot of posts....  I haven't gone back to find where the laughing reaction was left....

There were two laughing on this page, one on my post that was removed and one on foreverdl but was changed to confused

[zzyzx]

2 minutes ago, DailyDi said:

The software does not show us (admins) who reacted to the posts.

@DailyDi Then you need to buy your 2024 or 2025 badge.  <GRIN>  (Or at least flag you account as having the badge).

3 minutes ago, Reddy said:

There were two laughing on this page but one was removed and one changed to confused

@Reddy The two confused responses I currently see on this page is the same person that I've seen use it a number of times in this thread - fizzle.....