Being okay with yourself

[littleme5144]

I don’t normally post but am sick of feeling the way I do. Let me start of by saying I have a wonderful wife who totally accepts my diaper lifestyle. She has never made me feel ashamed for my DL side and even accepts it in the bedroom.  Here is where my problem lies, how do you TRULY accept yourself as a diaper lover? I deep down know there is nothing wrong with being a DL but if I’m true to myself I’m still so uncomfortable with my wife hearing or seeing them. I make sure to make noises when I’m walking around to as to ‘hide’ the noise. I don’t let her see them as much as possible even when I know she could care less. She has even gone as far as hell me change a couple times just for fun.  I know by reading posts that others would die to have someone who loves me for who I am but I just don’t accept myself. It’s to the point that she will call them diapers and I still have to call them briefs. I can’t stress that my wife has NEVER made me feel bad for my DL lifestyle in the 11 years we have been together. Has anyone ever felt this way? If so, how did you truly accept yourself? How do I allow myself to escape the shame I have? I will answer any questions I haven’t already answered as I’m so done feeling this way. I thank you for taking the time to help in advance. 

[rusty pins]

Those feelings are natural.  First, you need to realize that no matter what, this is a fetish we have and fetishes are rarely able to be overcome.  There are many different fetishes and they are mostly sexual in nature.  For some reason our brains get wired to have a specific fetish.  Some love feet, some rubber raincoats, some diapers and for extreme examples, some become rapists or pedophiles.  The bottom line is we can't help feeling as we do or doing what we do or give up the fetish.  Some may argue, but it's often not our fault that we have these desires embedded within us to wear diapers.  People go through shame, binge and purge and swear to give up diapers but those desires always come back strong.

Believe me, things get better with age.  I felt just as you did at your age, but as the years go by, you slowly accept that you will be this way the rest of your life and there is very little you can do about having a diaper fetish.  I still never want anyone I know to find out I like wearing diapers.  Years ago I would never want any girl friend to ever find out I like diapers.  I'm kind of a dominant guy but with a love for fine arts along with football!  I used to think I would never let anyone change my diaper unless for some reason I was in the hospital needing to wear diapers and having to have a nurse change me.  I would feel embarrassed and humiliated.  Now I am at the point where I wouldn't mind a wife or girlfriend changing my diapers but I might still feel strange or funny about it unless she was also into diapers and wore them herself.

The thing with me is I don't let diapers dominate me or control my life!  I may wear diapers 2 times a week for a short time when I get up in the morning or if I go out of town running errands for the day.  The thing is, I keep everything in perspective.  My life does not revolve around diapers like many members here. I have said many times people need to keep a good healthy balance between their diapers and regular life, otherwise you miss out on so many things in life when diapers are your sole interest.  I have many friends, interests and hobbies and I look at wearing diapers as just one of those many interests.  If you don't keep a normal healthy balance then the lifestyle will take over and control you instead of you controlling it.  When you start turning down invitations to go out with friends, movies, concerts or socializing because you would rather stay home and wear your diapers, that is when you have lost and the fetish is controlling your life.

As long as you are true to yourself and realize that diapers are a part of you that is not going to go away, that is a big help.  I suggest also to maintain a regular social life both with friends and your wife that doesn't always include you being in diapers.  Give diapers a break and cut down to wearing them 2 or 3 times a week when home, spend regular time with your wife a few evenings without diapers doing things she likes, watching TV together or getting out to see a movie or even just a drive in the country.  You don't always have to be in your diapers when home alone.  This will show both your wife and you that diapers are just a part of you, you don't have to always be in them, you are otherwise a normal person just like everyone else, this is just one small part of who you are overall as a person.  Giving diapers a break for a day or two will make them all the more exciting when you do wear them again.  Doing things that your friends do and having activities that don't have anything to do with diapers can also remind you that while you do love wearing diapers, at the same time you are also just a normal regular guy with every day normal interests just like everyone else.  Keep this in mind as well - you have no idea what fetishes your friends, coworkers and neighbors have!  It's quite possible that some of them might also be into diaper play!  Someone has to be ordering and using all those adult diapers that are being sold, especially the adult baby print ones!  Everyone has some kind of kink.  Yours (and mine) just happens to be diapers.

[spark]

It says your age is 23, which isn't always accurate, but tells me where you are on your journey.   For me it was a long process, and I beat myself over this for a longtime.  I was close to 40 before I really accepted this part of me.  What helped for me was reading There's a Baby In My Bed.  Even though it was written from the perspective of a partner, I finally understood my attraction, and what I was getting out it.  I accepted the fact that I had an emotional need.  And that's where public diapers (discreet, but they're my underwear) became more of coping mechanism than a thrill.   And I finally realized that it wasn't bad.

[littleme5144]

 

@rusty pins I can’t thank you enough for taking the time to respond. 
 

The first thing you said about this is the fetish that I have really hit home for me. I also agree that I am so blessed to have someone who is willing to accept me for who I am and never thought I would want someone like that. There are a couple of things you mentioned that I didn’t think to answer before so thank you. 

1st: Wearing for me is not a every day thing and I usually wear 2-3 times during my “binge” cycles. I will wear out and about sometimes and have done so even during parties/social events. 
 

2nd: I went through the “purge” cycle when I was younger but stopped in the last years so maybe I accept it more then I did in what I would call my younger years. 
 

3rd: I can say that yes I would want to wear 24/7 but it’s not at the forefront of my thoughts. Although I want to wear more often my biggest problems is if I wear 1 time a week or a week straight it still my wife hearing/seeing/understanding that I don’t accept. I guess I don’t understand how my wife’s can accept this part of me when even myself i cannot. 
 

I hope this clarifies some things and once again I truly appreciate your response.
 

  
@Sparks My birthday is correct but I just changed my “real age” as I never noticed that before so thank you. I have heard of this book before but never read it as I consider my self more of a DL with a little preference then a AB. I have already purchased the book as if it helps you then maybe it will help me as well. I do agree that it’s obviously a “emotional” need. 

[Mark84]

That’s really tough, and I’m sorry you’re struggling with it. I’m also married, but my wife is not as accepting of my DL side - I only wear around her on special occasions and then I wear anytime she’s not home. 
 

I will say that something that helped me was coming to terms with this weird thing about myself - that I like to wear diapers. I don’t wear much more than a few times a month. But ultimately, I’ve accepted that this is something that has been with me since childhood and it’s likely not something that will ever go away. But that doesn’t have to feel like a negative thing, especially when you have someone in your life that who knows about it and accepts, or in your case even encourages it. I wish my wife was more willing to get involved with my diaper time and would be okay with me having more of it with her around. You’re very lucky!

[ValentinesStuff]

I think @rusty pins said it better than I could.

 

Remember though for every one of us, there is someone out there that loves wearing boxers, tightly whities, bikinis, thongs, nothing, panties, panty hose, or who knows what as much as we like our diapers.

[Moochie]

If you are kind, considerate, contribute meaningfully in your own way to society, appreciate the wonders of life, practice forgiveness, and believe that there is something greater than you, wearing diapers is inconsequential.

[rusty pins]

It's hard for some not to be ashamed or embarrassed because they wear diapers.  Many here don't care who knows or why.  To me it's a testament to anyone who does have feelings of guilt or shame wearing diapers around their wife or husband.  It shows they care about others and what they may think rather than just taking the attitude, "I love what I do, I'm going to keep doing it no matter what others may think because it's what I like".  Remember what I said previously about the fact that most people have some kind of kink.  Don't dwell on wondering why your wife accepts the part of you who wear diapers.  She knows it's just a part of who you are overall and she may have some kinks herself that she may think of as weird.  She knows the real you, and the marriage vows are for better or for worse.  I think your issue is more about your self acceptance of your kink, wondering why someone else would be OK with it when you have those self doubts about it yourself.  If your wife accepts it and even participates a little like telling you to go change your diaper and calling them diapers, she is totally OK with it and not bothered by it. After all, you stated that you only wear 2 or 3 times during your binge cycle, not all the time, so it's not like your always in diapers 24/7 or even every day or night when you get home from work.  It's like a hobby that you do now and then, not an everyday occurrence.  Yes, you are the husband who is supposed to take care of her, be the strong provider and all that and that may be influencing you on how you feel.  By having the attitude you are the protector, provider and the head of the family you may have that embarrassment and shame that you wear diapers like a baby and how can you project the image of a strong husband when wearing and using diapers around your wife?  You may think her image of you as a proctor and provider is totally different since you wear diapers for fun.  If that was the case, then she would be dominating you, setting rules, taking over the roll of boss, and in the case with some members here, dictating things like you always have to be in diapers except when at work, you must use your diapers for everything, you are not allowed to change them yourself and you have to ask her to change you.  If not, she would put her foot down and say, "No more diapers!  I married a man and not a baby!"  None of that has happened and she doesn't seem bothered at all by your fetish, even making those comments about telling you to change and calling them your diapers when you still call them "briefs".   

If it was some other kink we might still feel strange, but wearing diapers is one kink that carries extra stigma with it.  From a very early age we are taught to grow up and be a big boy or girl and learn to use the potty.  That is the main goal of every parent, get their kids out of diapers as soon as they can.  We are told only babies wear diapers and wet or mess themselves and it's a big accomplishment to be able to use the potty, one that parents make us feel proud of.  It's that way for life and people tend to ask or talk about kids 4 or older who are still in diapers saying, "Why is he still in diapers?  He should have been potty trained by now.  Does he have a learning disability?"  All this just adds to the life long stigma about someone wearing diapers.  As an adult it's natural at times to feel conflicted based on how society feels about people in diapers.  You really love to wear them but you know deep down that people have bad opinions of anyone who is in diapers.  It all goes back to how everyone knows they need to get their kid out of diapers at an early age or else they will be looked down on as failiers as parents.  Even when a person is incontinent and has no choice but to wear diapers, people may be sympathetic about their situation but still have some disgust knowing the person will be urinating and defecating in their diaper and wearing their wastes around their body.  It's natural for people to have some shame with a diaper fetish but it's because of how we are taught from an early age and how others in life perceive people who wear diapers based on our society.  It's the fact that everyone knows from the beginning the object is to get their child out of diapers as soon as possible.  We are taught that diapers are a cute necessity for babies and toddlers up to a specific age level, then the cuteness and need are gone and people's thoughts do a 180 degree turn.  Now diapers are no longer cute or a necessity, they have become a liability all the way around with both child and parents.  It's that attitude that makes us ashamed and embarrassed as adults who wear diapers, not because of how we feel about wearing them but what we feel others will think of us if they find out we are wearing diapers, especially for personal enjoyment.  We just have to realize it is what it is and rather than feel shame that we still wear diapers, not because we have issues or couldn't be potty trained at the right age since we know very well that we can use the toilet whenever we want to, but because we are normal adults who choose to enjoy wearing and using diapers from time to time for our personal enjoyment.  It's our choice to do so and it's really no different than a wife who still collects dolls and stuffed animals like she did as a little girl.   It's your own feelings that seem to be causing you conflicts, but you have to sit back and realize it's not an issue with anyone else but you.  How to get over your feelings of shame about wearing diapers?  Perhaps talk with your wife about how you feel.  From what you described, she will most likely be very supportive and say things that will help put your mind at ease.  

[Diaperedrider]

 

I totally agree with everything Rusty said! It took me a very long time to be 100% accepting that this is a part of me. As a matter of fact it wasn't until after my second divorce which was only 3 years ago and I am now 58. But, I grew up without the internet and thought I was the only one who had these desires. You are so far ahead of the game it's not funny. Be patient and just know that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you at all!

[littleme5144]

Thank you all for your responses. It sounds like I still need to opening up with my wife and myself. 

[ValentinesStuff]

1 hour ago, littleme5144 said:

Thank you all for your responses. It sounds like I still need to opening up with my wife and myself. 

Talking normally helps.

[rusty pins]

20 hours ago, littleme5144 said:

Thank you all for your responses. It sounds like I still need to opening up with my wife and myself. 

Remember, it's not like sitting down and springing the news on her out of the blue that you wear diapers.  She already knows that part of you and is accepting of it after all these years.  It's about you telling her just how you feel some shame about her knowing you wear diapers, how embarrassed you are if she sees you in a diaper and how you can't understand how she accepts that part of you.  That should open up a discussion but make sure you tell her how much you love her, she is your world.

[littleme5144]

@rusty pins I did just that over the weekend. We sat down and had a nice long talk about my feelings and the personal shame I had. It was truly weightlifting. Thank you again for your feedback and support!

[spark]

On 10/11/2020 at 7:20 AM, Diaperedrider said:

 

I totally agree with everything Rusty said! It took me a very long time to be 100% accepting that this is a part of me. As a matter of fact it wasn't until after my second divorce which was only 3 years ago and I am now 58. But, I grew up without the internet and thought I was the only one who had these desires. You are so far ahead of the game it's not funny. Be patient and just know that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you at all!

Rusty is a voice that I listen to .  I remember Rusty as a voice of reason when I first found this site, and he was one of the posters who helped me accept myself.   But AFAIK- Rusty wouldn't wear outside in unknown  environment.  While the only I'm w/o a diaper now is when I'm home and have changed out of a wet diaper- and not ready to put on my nighttime diaper.  If I'm facing a unknown environment- I'm wearing a diaper because they're my security blanket.

[babypb]

...my wife knew about my diapers 8mos before we were married and really didn't care, however getting married to her also meant I was an immediate step-dad to a 6yr old girl, so I shelved the diaper thing for like the next 13yrs til she moved out at 19. Then, my wife did traveling sales out of state Mon-Thurs, so this let me buy a package or two of Depends or Attends once every month or so for many, many years. I'm 59 and last November I came out and told her I was going to buy my own supply of cloth diapers & plastic pants & wear them where ever & when ever. She balked at first, but I wear cloth diapers virtually 24/7, don't mess in them, wet once in a while. I really don't care for plastic pants, but use them whenever I know I'm going to wet. When I go out to eat with the wife & another couple, I'll wear one of my very thin AngelFluff daytime cloth diapers or an AdultClothDiaperCo. "contour" diaper to where there is virtually no bulk to it. She does not participate, but I wear freely around her and she just kinda ignores it, which is more than fine by me!!! Before I got married, I to used to go through those binge cycles too throwing away half packs of unused disposable diapers, but then I just got to accept my fetish like most people do. You're very lucky with your wife, as many, many males end up in divorce court over this fetish.

[littleme5144]

I

2 hours ago, babypb said:

...my wife knew about my diapers 8mos before we were married and really didn't care, however getting married to her also meant I was an immediate step-dad to a 6yr old girl, so I shelved the diaper thing for like the next 13yrs til she moved out at 19. Then, my wife did traveling sales out of state Mon-Thurs, so this let me buy a package or two of Depends or Attends once every month or so for many, many years. I'm 59 and last November I came out and told her I was going to buy my own supply of cloth diapers & plastic pants & wear them where ever & when ever. She balked at first, but I wear cloth diapers virtually 24/7, don't mess in them, wet once in a while. I really don't care for plastic pants, but use them whenever I know I'm going to wet. When I go out to eat with the wife & another couple, I'll wear one of my very thin AngelFluff daytime cloth diapers or an AdultClothDiaperCo. "contour" diaper to where there is virtually no bulk to it. She does not participate, but I wear freely around her and she just kinda ignores it, which is more than fine by me!!! Before I got married, I to used to go through those binge cycles too throwing away half packs of unused disposable diapers, but then I just got to accept my fetish like most people do. You're very lucky with your wife, as many, many males end up in divorce court over this fetish.

I told my now wife about my fetish about a year or so into her being my girlfriend and she accepted it for the most part right then and there. We have been together for close to 10 years and still don’t feel comfortable wearing around her. After our talk last weekend she was upset that I had these feelings about being uncomfortable with myself and has been trying to push me to wear more often by asking me if I want to put one (she says diaper on) on. I still say no even when I want to  and usually make up some lame reason for not wanting to. I guess it’s just going to take more time. My biggest fear at this point is she is going to grow tired of asking and always being shut down. Can’t say I would blame her tbh. I still can’t get seem to get the courage to embrace myself and allow her encouragement. 
 

 

 

[Transfusionelle]

What I see is you being too tough on yourself littleme5144. I came out of my oversized closet at 17 about being bisexual. I started dressing as a woman for work because of the money and I loved how the clothing felt on me. The toughest part of me to accept was diapers and I look back now to how silly I felt back then. I was married young and my wife didn't accept the part of me dressing up as a woman, but she was on the wall about diapers. I wore diapers for work because I rarely had bathroom breaks and I was not going to stand there serving drinks with pee dripping down my legs while doing a peepee dance. It may take a while for you to accept that you enjoy your diaper, and the guilty feeling you get.Your wife loves you believe me if she didn't she'd have been gone by now. You said you had a talk with your wife and you still feel uncomfortable because she is okay that you wear. Maybe in your heart you have that guilty desire to see your wife in a diaper, and maybe you won't feel as guilty. Let your wife put on a diaper. Let her indulge you. I was only married for 8 years. I recently married a woman of my dreams. We dated for 3 years before she asked me to marry her. She is a total diaper lover old school. She married me regardless if I was a sissy crossdresser bisexual man wearing diapers. For 3 years its been a dream for me that a woman accepts me for who I am and who I pretend to be. I still feel the guilt at times, but all I have to do is look at her and my guilt flies out the window. Love yourself and things will fall into place. It may take time. but you will get there. You never know maybe your wife is trying to tell you something in a roundabout way. Time is all we have and let time heal you. Hugs and I pray all works out well for you

[scaifester]

We are used to keeping the ABDL side hidden from friends and family. 

You are fortunate to have a supportive wife who clearly loves the entire you.

For me, time has helped. With time, I've come to terms with who I am and I accept myself. I was born like this and I can't change. I wear quite frequently and my wife knows too and I've found a steady state that is ok for us. 

Communication is key and I am glad to see that you are doing that too. Keep it up. 

[BroncoDL]

I'm 28 and it's been a long journey for me to accept myself. Only a couple of years ago I started accepting myself more and more. There's always that little piece of shame and I beat myself up over being a DL. Little by little my acceptance has grown and I'm still not out of the woods just yet but I can at least see light at the end of the tunnel. 

I haven't been in your particular situation but what I can say is time is your friend. Be still, meditate on your feelings, and talk it out. Don't bottle things up as that will come back to hunt you. 

[Evelyn Dellcerro]

To all you beautiful diaper lovers and adult babies I feel your pain. I have enough guilt for all of you rolled into one. Now put yourself in my shoes, here I am a thirteen year old girl having her first orgasm in a pamper out on a public street with my knees weak after a good solid poop. I felt the guilt double fold because I couldn't tell my parents or friends. You're talking about 1978. The first thing my parents would have done is take me to a psychiatrist and had my head checked out. At that age girls are starting to discover themselves and getting interested in boys and the whole nine yards. Remember the FDA had just approved the use of Lithium in 1970. I was not going to be a test subject nor a guinea pig and I kept my secret to myself. I already knew I had feelings for girls as well as boys and that was a double whammy. I met a girl my age back then in the eighth grade and we were very close and we did just about everything together. Yes at thirteen sex in a treehouse while in poopy diapers was not uncommon to me. the psychiatrist would have had a field day with me. I finished my schooling early just so I could rush and go to college and sow my wild oats some more. I lost contact with my girlfriend after graduation and life just got better for me. I met and married a very handsome man at twenty three years old, but he was not a fan of diapers, so I left it to myself to indulge in diapers my own way. My husband was by no means vanilla in any way and we did just about everything two humans can possibly do, just not in diapers (his loss). My husband was a career military man and was killed in service in 2012. I was alone again, just me and my diapers. I had lots of fun and many one night stands for the next seven years. I always had enjoyed the night life and frequented latin dance clubs for most of my adult life. I was dancing one night (may 23,2017) and seen this gorgeous woman dancing and she had great moves and was cute as a button. I was never a shy person and I went right up to her and held my hand out and asked her to dance. I didn't know it was her 40th birthday that night and she whispered to me " are you my birthday angel" ? We danced for hours. Like I said I was never shy and I grabbed her ass several times dancing and I felt something very familiar to me. My mind was so hazy, but I knew she was wearing a diaper. We sat and took a break and I needed to powder my nose, I grabbed her hand and we went to the bathroom. Once in the bathroom I lifted her skirt and seen she was wearing a wet pullup. The voice in my head said just go for it !!. I closed my eyes and just kissed her as passionately as I could and she kissed me back with everything she had. The next three years have been a blurr but the most beautiful blurr in my life. I love you all and the guilty feelings will never stop, You have to control those feelings and keep them in check. If you have someone that accepts your diaper take that as a blessing, hold that person near and dear to your heart. Kiss that person everyday and tell them that you love them. Be proud, hold that persons hand as you walk down the street. I don't care if you are gay, bisexual, trisexual, asexual or an introvert. We all need to love and be loved. Throw that guilt out the window and be happy for yourself !!  littleme5144 sweetie you kiss and hug that woman everyday and tell her you love her, and don't feel guilty, feel proud my friend. life is too short for the guilt !  Life is too short and you only have one life on this planet, live it now.

[BabyJilly_S]

If this covid lockdown situation has told me is hold onto the people you love. If you are lucky enough to have someone, talk to them, love them and take care of them. Its great you talked to your wife and feel better

I was never able to tell the girl i loved i was trans and had "other" interests so that lack of honesty eventually ended it, i was unable to open up to her (was i tv/tg? it was 30 years ago so society was not so understanding, i didnt talk to anyone and have ended up in limbo) I havent been able to tell my family either to this day If I had maybe I wouldn't have spent 30 years stewing in my own juice so to speak. Too late now....

Anway, for me the lockdown has been a period of introspection , depression and freedom all at the same time, so I have decided i simply won't worry so much anymore. Want to wear make? wear makeup...be girly. I have embraced my inner little and now wear diapers all the time, I have bought clothing in baby pinks and pastels, onesies and pretty things.  If it ends, going back to work in the office may be an issue.....

 

[horrorfan]

For me it was about feeling small again. As an adult I'm usually depressed, but when I was a child those were happier times. I won't say that I've quit wearing, since I still do from time to time, but I try to set limits and rationalize whenever I'm feeling an urge to wear a diaper, but don't feel comfortable doing so. I associate the word "diaper" with my childhood, which can trigger an urge to wear when I see or hear mention of the word, but diapers are made of cotton and plastic (which are "big" words that didn't have particular meaning to me at that point in time), have to be changed regularly to preserve skin integrity, and are a poor alternative to getting up and using the toilet. Urine and feces smell really bad and if handled improperly, can make you sick, so that's what I do. It's still a struggle, but it works when I need it to.

[Elbs]

I've had DBT treatment for trauma, and one principle from DBT I've found really good at fighting shame is the idea of opposite action. Basically, do the opposite of what the unhealthy emotional response is telling you to do. If you're ashamed and want to hide, be out and proud instead (as much as is safe and appropriate, of course). Maybe it's just because I'm an ornery rebel, but that strategy has really worked for me.

[Philosoraptor]

This topic hits real close to home for me too.

I've been married for seven years, and it was about a year into my relationship with my wife that I told her about my fetish. It was real hard for her at first, but she's been super great about it.

She hates the look of diapers though. For a long time I always felt like I needed to talk to her more because of the guilty feelings. Despite her acceptance, it's not something she cares to think about.

I generally don't wear around her because even though I know she's okay with it, I know it still makes her mildly uncomfortable. Honestly, the day things got better for me was when I told a close friend of mine who felt more comfortable talking to me about it. I was able to unload the feelings to someone I knew was invested in me as a person, but who didn't feel the same kind of supporting burden that a spouse feels. I could guilt free have the conversations with this friend.

We've not talked about it for a long time, but I don't really feel the need to. 

[360dude]

I’m still a little uncomfortable about this in certain situations. The purge cycles are definitely getting less and less. No matter how hard I try I can’t kick this.