The "Shame" Factor

[turtlepins]

I'm in an incontinence group on yahoo and often see posts about people who are ashamed to leave their home and go out in public, and too ashamed to think they might have a normal loving relationship with a man or woman. Humor me. Let's analyze why so many have issues with the word "diaper" or the condition "incontinence". When there's nothing you can do to change a condition, is it shameful? Why? Why not? We all have the same color pigment in our skin. The amount of pigment determines the color of one's skin. So if I had a lot of pigment, my skin would be ebony. I'm white, so I have less pigment. Where is the shame in that? Do you see where I'm going with this? Who has dared to suggest that an incontinent person is somehow "less" because he or she has that condition?

[froggy]

My father felt that needing diapers as an adult took away from his adult status. It was shameful to him. He only gave in and wore the diapers because the home insisted on it. The parents were in an assisted living center, if he had refused, they would have forced him into a nursing home.

I think the shame comes from two things. First, the puffiness the pants take on. Second, the presumed loss of status from the loss of bodily control. It becomes easier to hide at home that face the world.

wribbit

[Snugglebug]

I think one of the simplest answers to that question is this: who wants to be seen as becoming infantile (Other than members of our esteemed company, that is)?

[aleyxsis]

so true snugglebug nobody wants to revert to messing their pants to most people it is the worst thing you can do .But not to me

[ldatsea]

even for me who made the conscience CHOICE to wear diapers to stop wet beds and pants it took some time to completely overcome the"shame" that was associated with diapers. i was thinking the other day that Depend has the best Slogan "GET BACK INTO LIFE" for incontinent peeps...however it takes everyone time to overcome the false shame that shouldnt exist but does.

[babykeiff]

Shame is a human response to a set of triggers. When we we born, we didn't care how we looked, or what we did. If we needed something, we sated that urge if we could, or cried to get someone else to do same.

We were taught shame.

All we need to do is now is change the set of triggers.

[lil jenny]

we only feel shame because it is thought to us. by society, if we do not teach our kids that it is shame ful to love things to be gay or any thing there in if we teach them not to be ashamed of it then th erest of the world woul dbe a better place.

[SilverIce]

My theory is that the creation of this stareotype would come down to as with all creatures, mating. Now, if one is to think about it, the topic that would arise is, would an individual who needed to wear diapers be as strong, capable, and fertile enough to say, "Lead a pack." or provide the best "Genes" into a new child. I suppose by this i mean i would imagine the population as a whole determines their attractions through their need to find the best suitable spouse.

For example in women...

In poor nations fat is beautiful because males know that the fact she is a large girl~ she is much more likely to provide that nutrition in theory to the child.

While on the flip side in countries of wealth, stregnth and fitness are higher in popularity by far due to wanting their children to have the right genes to achieve in that population.

Now, this is really winging it and theoretical but really. Humanity does not subconciously deem diapers as an attractive feature that promotes capability and therefore it is reguarded as degrading, strage, and unattractive. Generally more so then other fetishes that are more based around other topics such as humiliation and BSNM~ ETC.

Any ways just a thought, im still sitting on. "Why yes, yes diapers are quiet sexy @_@." And ill leave it at that.

Ice

[DiaperNewb]

My wife and I have been going over this for a few weeks now. When we go to the store and I need to get diapers, I try to bury the package with other things we are buying. On occasions where I only needed to get diapers and a few little things, I'll toss my coat over it in the cart. Where we really got into an argument was a couple of weeks ago when Walgreen's had their store-brand on sale (they're surprisingly good). There's a gal I used to work with at another job that works there now, and she was stocking stuff in the same aisle. I wouldn't go get the diapers, I just kept walking around the store until she went somewhere else. My wife kept telling me to just get over it, that it was no different than her buying pads. I told her that it was completely different, because it wouldn't come as any kind of shock to anyone with a set of functioning eyes to see that she is female and thus needs pads. She told me that eventually everyone is going to find out that I wear diapers so I might as well just stop trying to sneak around.

I know I need diapers. I know that wearing them is far less embarrassing than having an accident without wearing one would be. But, I think it's the stigma that goes along with adult diapers in this country. They are "supposed" to be for little old ladies and people with physical limitations/mental health problems that can't take care of themselves. Anyone else who uses them is just some kind of Jerry Springer Show psycho. My wife jokes with me about my "playing baby," but to others they would seriously think something like that. I'm a very private person anyway, and it takes me a bit to warm up to new people. And only a few of my very closest friends know me well enough to know that I'm TG. For the 15 months that I had a colostomy, I only ever told maybe 3 people about it, and 2 of them didn't understand it at all anyway. But I have told no one about my diapers. If there are diapers in my cart and I see someone I know coming, I will panic and try to hide. Because I am afraid. For some reason, having a friend or coworker know that I wear diapers is unbearable. I think it's because the society we live in has taught me to feel this way, that we should be ashamed of the things about ourselves that are not "normal," even if we require these things to live or if they are essential to who we are as individuals.

[dl247]

I don't understand the "shame" issue at all. I mean if you have incontinence then it is real simple, have accidents, or wear protection.

When I talk to others about it and they always ask if I get embarassed wearing diapers I always say "no, why would I, leaking in public is WAY worse than wearing anything under my pants", and that's is exactly what the bottom line is.

Yes, there are caths, clamps, and other devices, but for me personally a diaper works the best.

There is no shame, sure in sucks on hot days, or when you can't change and you really need to, but what is worse, having an accident?

Also, I would like to add that if you feel shame, and akward about wearing diapers so will the people around you. If you are confident and secure then people around you wont feel "wierd" about you wearing.

[WildKat]

I'm in an incontinence group on yahoo and often see posts about people who are ashamed to leave their home and go out in public, and too ashamed to think they might have a normal loving relationship with a man or woman. Humor me. Let's analyze why so many have issues with the word "diaper" or the condition "incontinence". When there's nothing you can do to change a condition, is it shameful? Why? Why not?

I became incontinent in 2004 after a spinal cord injury. I didn't even think about diapers or other things until then. The TV commercials with the seniors enjoying going for bike rides etc. just set into my mind that it's something that happens to many people when they are older, and that you can go out and enjoy yourself much like the women in the tampon commercials!

When I had my SCI I had indwelling catheters for the first few months, but eventually learned how to do intermittent caths myself. I was really happy about this and the freedom it gave me. I stuck to a pretty strict schedule and things worked. Then I got my first UTI after the indwelling cath! It was horrible! I spent a whole day wetting myself and felt like I was going to pass out from the cramping even though I couldn't feel it. I kept changing my pants and using Always, but I needed more than pads made for periods. Until that moment diapers were for babies/toddlers and seniors. No one else. It was embarrassing to wear them when you were in your twenties and I didn't think anyone would understand if I did.

Then something hit me like a ton of bricks! Every time I got a UTI my bladder would spasm a lot and I'd have to stay home doing laundry until it was better. I wasn't enjoying life when that happened, even when I didn't feel "sick" anymore from the UTI. I also had times when I got irritated from poking myself too hard with the catheters because I can't feel it and of course that would cause me to "dribble" a bit. Then when I did go out I always needed to know exactly where the nearest washroom was and if it was accessible or not and stick to a set schedule. It's as if my whole life revolved around the bathroom!

So the next time I got a UTI as soon as I knew it (before the Dr's did) I bought a pack of pull up Depends. I was so embarrassed I swear my head felt like it was going to melt my face was so red. But I thought it wasn't a store I went to often, and I was lucky to use a wheelchair because people would just kind of expect it. I soon found out that these just weren't going to cut it! If you have no control at all they leek pretty quickly so I did a bit of research online and ordered something better.

I found out that I could actually sit through a whole movie at the theatre now and I could drink while I watched it! I didn't have to worry on long flights anymore and long car trips or trips to new areas where I didn't know about the washroom situation were so much more relaxing! I have to admit I am still a little embarrassed when at the store, but I know in my head that the people at the counters don't really care.

I guess when we are very young we are taught that it is very bad (the worst thing ever) to use diapers because we are "big kids" and the shame never really leaves us. We are taught to be shameful of diapers and our bodily functions and to never speak of them. The toilet is treated as a thrown and when we are young we so want to be like the adults our instinct is to leave the diapers behind and never look back. Maybe if we didn't go through all of this when we were younger and were left to do things at our own pace then diapers wouldn't be so taboo.

[Snugglebug]

I guess when we are very young we are taught that it is very bad (the worst thing ever) to use diapers because we are "big kids" and the shame never really leaves us. We are taught to be shameful of diapers and our bodily functions and to never speak of them. The toilet is treated as a thrown and when we are young we so want to be like the adults our instinct is to leave the diapers behind and never look back.

Yep, the way I see it, that's pretty much the root cause of the shame. And thank you for sharing your story with us.

[Bettypooh]

Plus one for WildKat A bulls-eye hit indeed! And something else about 'shame'- it too is a social construct, not something built into a human being, so it is optional and changeable I'm still a bit ashamed about my diapers, but not any moreso than I was buying underwear before now I can handle the reality of my situation though I don't particularly care to share it with the whole world IMHO the one good thing about Depends is that they let the world know that there are many people with incontinence issues in a non-demeaning manner through their widespread advertising Though the average person doesn't think about it much, they now understand how common incontinence is and understand that it could happen to them too Now if Depends would only live up to their 'promise' of dependability

Shame is a self-inflicted wound. You shouldn't feel shame over anything you cannot help. Still, with the intense social pressure to conform to someone elses concept of 'normality' you can expect to feel it many times when you shouldn't for that is human nature- just the bad side of it. You get over shame by refusing to let society run your life as much as you can There will be compromises for most of us but that's how society works as long as we're stuck in it, and taking advantage of whatever compromise you can attain will lessen any felt shame

Bettypooh

[babytommy1981]

I guess i never felt shammed on having to wear diapers, as growing up I have worn them to bed for bed wetting, then when i started to need them for daytime wetting, it didnt really bug me at all. I think its from growing up and being around freinds and family wearing diapers my whole life.

[raceguitar]

Interesting . Do i feel shame about my diapers. Well I did at first ,anyone would ,trying different products. when you have never done it before and buy the first thing on the shelf ,what a nightmare. They all seem to leak and bunch .plus your sure everyone knows. Then time goes by ,I found there were better products, In general how to deal better. Then I just stopped caring what others thought,I have a supportive wife and family and the few friends who know have never even brought it up, I cant help what I do and there is no shame in it. At the end of the day no strangers can tell and If they did so what. One of the other posters has a little slogan about "the only thing worse than a leaking diaper is leaking without a diaper on" and that has proven true .To get to the question In my experience the people who feel shame are generally newcomers to the problem with no confidence. In time hopefully they can gain confidence and become empowered. I think there is a fine line between Shame and Embarrasment

[turtlepins]

Thanks everyone for sharing your thoughts. And thank you wildkat for sharing your story. I think that what we are taught as children during potty training has a lot to do with it too. Anyway, have a blessed day, or night, where every you are.

[stevewet]

I did feel shame at bedwetting and needing nappies again but not now. Life is too short. Becoming somewhat of a DL was the way forward for me. I know think to my self I wet the bed and wear nappies so what I'm not hurting anyone.

[hotwheelz]

I know that I cant help it because I have no control but I still feel ashamed about it. i get anxious in public or in crowds for fear of an accident so i dont go out unless my fiancee's with me.

[Walesiswet]

I don't feel shame about it as lots of people deal with embarrassing problems every day. I went to the pub last week, 3 pints later and I sprung a diaper leak with little wet patches down my leg. Of course wearing black anybody would think I spilt some drink or wiped my hands from condensation from the pint one leg. Nobody knew, why feel shame?

I suspect it's more difficult as you get older then this problem springs itself upon you after spending most of your life with total control over ones bodily functions.

I also think people will become a little better educated of the next decade or so as people will see more information on the internet. Continence issues are not hidden away in nursing homes anymore. Pads are advertised everywhere.

[DiapermanAl]

With depends underwearness campaign this will help with the shame feeling.

[thatsmymango]

I'm not ashamed. I've been urinary incontinent all my life and it's just the way I am.

[Walesiswet]

True, but I hope that the generations behind us will be better educated with regards to these problems. My kids are 4, 3 and Comming 2 and they don't really bat an eyelid with regards to catheters, wee bags and adult diapers at all. If children are exposed to something everyday, wether that be through the web or home experiences then they will become more open minded to the world which surrounds them.

[Arendeth]

I've never felt shame for wearing diapers and only wanted to avoid wearing diapers to avoid having more things for people to bully me with but now that I'm not in a setting with immature people it doesn't matter as much when now i need them.

[billy1234]

I think the reality of the situation is the first big three events that mark you out as growing up are walking, talking, and toilet training to lose any of these as a grownup would be devastating it would be easy to equate being pushed around in a wheelchair to being in a stroller, or being unable to communicate through speech and people having to try and work out what you want or how you feel and not having the ability to go to the bathroom and being put back in nappies is bound to feel like your being infantilized (not so bad if that's what you want but terrible if you don't) I love being in nappies but

[Arendeth]

Very rarely i loss the ability to speak in the middle of a conversation but it does not cause me any shame just an issue caused by speak impediment that has never completely disappear (one of reasons i don't like speaking to much).