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nitewets

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About nitewets

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    Toddler
  • Birthday 08/02/1953

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    Female
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    London, ON
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    64

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  1. Where have you been sunshine? Was here but you were not

     

  2. For me, the drift into incontinence is not only about the practicalities—such as diapers, changes, and the possibilities of accidents—but self-identity. I am now incontinent. I am a particular and new person; the intersection of disparate images, woman, transsexual, abdl, retired, neighbour and, now, an incontinent.I am twisting together fantasy and reality into a singular "being". More than having diapers on all day and night, has been the admission to my doctor, my counsellor, a business, and my friends that, "I am incontinent." In the days, since, as awareness of wetting has declined—and it has been alarmingly quick—I've also 'tested' myself by returning to just panties. It is the increasing worry about wetting that compels me back into diapers. I'm conflicted about becoming truly incontinent; there are those occasions were being diapered is truly well beyond inconvenience. Wearing diapers is no longer sexual; there is as yet an undiscovered psychological compulsion, a need to be diapered.
  3. As I’ve written of elsewhere, since last summer, when I returned to wearing diapers and reconnected here, I’ve been wrestling emotionally with my relationship with diapers. Like the swings of Hegel’s Dialectic, I starting wearing diapers every day, then pushed them to the back of my cupboard (years ago, I learned that disposing of diapers was nothing but a terrible expense and mistake—the absence of diapers didn’t deter me in the way I wished and it was then necessary to expend more money when the compulsion to be in diapers reasserted itself) and denied that I needed diapers. The swings became wider, the compulsion returned. I would spend hours in the chat, then days away from it while ‘not diapered’. In fact my life was divided between ‘being diapered’ and ‘not diapered’. I’ve worn diapers since 1996. I started in part because of need and most definitely also for sexual pleasure. It was a tortuous path. As a form of sexual excitement, I would imagine myself slipping into, or being forced into, incontinence. Then, it nearly happened. My work keep me in a car for stretches of 5-6, even 8 hours sometimes.. Type A, I would resist pee stops for as long as possible—somtimes hours until extremis. Then, one day I stopped at a rest stop—aching to pee—releived myself and climbed back into the car. As I returned onto the highway, I wet myself. I had, the urologist said, an distended bladder. I wasn’t getting the necessary signal from a full bladder and still had essentially a full bladder after relieving myself. I took to wearing diapers and just wetting in the car. A workable solution it seemed. The urologist was furious. This, he said, would lead to incontinence—permanent incontinence. Over the years, I played with that notion. Why being incontinent held appeal I just don’t know. But, the idea of slipping into incontinence enticed me. In her last year of life, my mother asked if I would return home, live with her and take care of her. She wanted to pass away at home, in her own bed. She knew my siblings wouldn’t allow it. I promised her. At the same time, I was taking finally after years of hormone therapy begining my life publically as a woman. Suddenly, as a woman I was battling with my siblings to protect my mother’s wises, and justifying who I had become. I became incontinent at night, regressing into infancy to protect myself. My psychologist put me into the disability healthcare plan where I’ve remained. Continence did return. After gender reassignment surgery (I have the most beautiful vagina now) another issue presented—the susceptibility to UTIs. When that happened I was again incontinent. The disability program did cover the cost of diapers and the counsellor gave me the forms to apply. I was simply too embarassed, and, true be known ashamed because I felt so excited by the prospect. Which brings me to the present and the issue I face today. I love being in diapers—I don’t know why. In the period since last summer, I again requested the forms for my healthcare to cover the cost of diapers. You have to personally request the forms. I did. They said on my desk for months. The forms require a doctor’s verification of need. I got a UTI, another of many, at least 3 or 4 a year which I get and when to the doctor’s for antibiotics. Although, with me, in my purse, I didn’t have the nerve to ask. ”Well, we’re done, Is there anything else?” ”I have forms here that will provide diapers for me while incontinent. Will you sign them?” He took the forms and read them. “This is for fulltime permanent incontinence. Is that what you need?”” ”Well, I’m already wearing diapers a lot, so it’s just easier to wear them all the time.” ”Are you sure?” ”Yes... I like wearing diapers.” He excused himself to consult another doctor. He returned with the forms signed. “I’ll chart you as permanently incontinent. Certainly, you’re not quite there, but I suspect that you will become incontinent with time, given that you’re already in diapers.” I took the signed form. I had become “permanently incontinent”. My stomach was in knots. The forms sat on my desk for a week. I chatted here. I fretted. What am I doing? Why am I doing this? I was both scared and so excited. Finally, I sent the forms in to my counsellor for approval. My counsellor now had in writing that I was “permanently incontinent”. A day passed and I finally phoned a supplier. She was ever so kind and arranged to send sample diapers and connect with my counsellor. Diapers would come every month, enough pull-ups for 5 changes during the day and a proper diaper for each night. These would arrive each month, and my face flushed as I realized just how big the boxes would be. “We have you as a client now.” I’m now “permanently incontinent”. In the next week, as I wait for the first shipment, I’m wearing cloth diapers and plastic panties. I’ve started wearing full-time. I sense when I’m about to wet, then it just happens. Yesterday, regret and shame came over me and I changed into panties. Do I want this to happen? Can I slow the drift into incontinence? The afternoon in panties became uncomfortable. There wasn’t a moment I didn’t feel the need to pee. I began to fret. Finally, in the everting, I diapered. As I made a sandwich in the kitchen not 10 minutes later, I only realized that I was wetting by the wet warmth and changing weight of my diaper. My heart and stomach lurched. Could I get through the night, now? At bedtime, I spread out a diaper pad for security. Could I go the night without a diaper? Can this actually happen this fast? It’s not possible, I knew but put on a diaper. I didn’t have the courage not to wear a diaper. Is that how incontinence takes hold? Not by actual need but because your confidence slips away and once in diapers, your body simply decides not to care. Today, I tried the same thing. Waking in a wet diaper, I bathed and diapered. I wet every few minutes, small amounts. I changed after the 3rd wetting. At lunch, I bathed and put on panties. I tried to do some housework, some reading, to be busy. There was no moment that I didn’t feel that I was about to wet myself. It was so tiring. I decided to walk the dog but stood conflicted at the door in panties: “What if I wet myself on the walk?” I changed into a diaper. I wet myself on the walk. I did sense it, but to hold until I was home would be a strain. I relaxed... and pooped as I wet. I’ve had a bath and put on a diaper wash. I had dinner without having a diaper on. I read a bit lying on the couch. With a diaper sheet under me. I decided to write this and put on a diaper. And as I’ve written, I’ve wet myself. I’m not trying to be incontinent, but I am surely allowing it to happen. For my counsellor and doctor and a supplier I am “permanently incontinent”. A few days ago, I told my best friend that I wore diapers at night. Her initial reaction with sympathy, but I told her that I liked being in diapers. To my surprise, the next day, she hugged me and said she felt ‘so special’ that I had shared wearing diapers with her and allowed that as a mother of two she was also challenged with wetting herself during the day. For her a change of panties and a pad was sufficient. Expense was always the impediment to me just allowing myself to slip into incontinence. I’ve yet to figure out why I wish this. I’m certainly concerned about the implications of incontinence. I’m 64 and live with a roommate, with whom I share my house. She is a minister. I have recently told her that I wear diapers—a bit late probably because she’s seen my cloth diapers and plastic panties in the dryer or clean laundry hamper. I’m writing this as much for myself as you. It’s just minutes from 7:00pm. I’m diapered and wet. In just days, if I put on a diaper, it seems that I just wet; if I don’t wear a diaper, I fret. If I have to take the bus, will I now be too afraid to go undiapered. If I want to walk my dog will I now be too afraid to wear just panties? Am I suddenly “permanently incontinent”.
  4. NOW WHAT?

    I was asked an interesting question today: “Now what?” I’m not sure, I hadn’t really thought about the ‘Now What?’, of becoming incontinent. I’m not sure that I’m really ‘there’ yet either. You see, since last summer, I’ve been wrestling with wanting to become incontinent at the same time that I was wrestling with even wearing diapers. I was trying not to wear diapers, but seldom going more than a few weeks before I would be another package of diapers to wear for the days that they lasted. The purchase was always prompted by the same feeling, having to hold as I struggled to find a washroom, waited on a bus, sat in a theatre, while shopping or evening writing as I am now. Not infrequently, it would be the need to poo and as I strained to hold, the freedom of diapers to just keep on would entice me back. Diapers are expensive, some $20 CDN for only 12, which, if I was careful and ‘enjoyed’ judiciously might last a week. From prior issues, I pee often but small amounts. I might wet 4 or 5 times in the early morning. To stay dry and change after wetting just wasn’t affordable. I wished that it were. In the right diapers, I could spend the night in bliss, waking wet in the morning with barely a recollection of stirring during the night. 

    For a few years now, I’ve known that my disability support for depression would also cover diapers if there was full-time dependence, temporary or permanent. It was necessary to specifically request them from my counsellor. Over and over I shied away from asking. Finally, I found the courage to ask for the forms—Support for Medical Necessities; Incontinence. They stayed on my desk for over a year. When I fell back into diapers last summer, the desire to accept incontinence reappeared. I get a lot of UTIs. Have for years. As a transwoman after vagioplasty (gender reassignment surgery) it comes with my vagina. During those times, I am effectively incontinent, so there’s an established need. As I’ve spoken of elsewhere, I finally asked my doctor to sign off on diapers. He presumed temporarily during a UTI, but again, I was finally able to say that I liked being in diapers although I didn’t quite get to the admission of being AB./DL. I did ask that I be considered fully incontinent.

    The forms have been send and diapers are on their way. To get by, I purchased diapers from the pharmacy, and yesterday afternoon became the ‘start’ of incontinence. Now, nearly 9:00 pm, I’ve spent my first full day without regard to how many diapers I’ve required, simply allowing each wetting as it occurred. There’s a momentary sense of imminence, then I wet. Somehow, I’ve completely changed in these few hours. Is this incontinence? Now what?

    I still wonder about the coming moment, whether night or day, when I don’t sense that I’m about to wet. That sense, separates me from truly being incontinent. I hold it as an opportunity to pull back from my choice. In the last few years, I’ve had more than a few accidents, not infrequently in public but never on full display. Just the other night, walking my dog in the chill evening air on the street, I sensed too late and wet myself quite noticeably. It was the furtherest point of the walk and I had to walk back down the street in obvious wet leggings. So, “Now what?”

    It’s not lost on me that allowing myself to drift into incontinence—potentially permanently as my doctor emphasized, now what? As I’ve been typing away, I’ve dribbled and wet. At this very moment, I’ve begun again just that easily and even at the risk of wetting the bed I’m typing on, It is that simple, Already I have to think about not wetting otherwise I do. Now what? Well, I guess I need a change.

    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. Wannatripbaby

      Wannatripbaby

      What now? Now you continue on with your life with one less source of stress to deal with. You fought the incontinence fight for many years. but now the cost of war has begun to far outweigh the price of surrender. Plus by admitting "defeat" your insurance will start paying for the diapers you know you both want and need. ♡

    3. nitewets

      nitewets

      Youre a pet. Luv ya.

    4. snobak

      snobak

      Love ya Hope you can now live happy ever after and get everything you desire out of life  :)

  5. Well, with the cost of diapers sorted, I no longer have to worry about not wearing diapers 24/7. Now, I can just accept the inevitable. This first few days are strange as I'm completely free from worry about wetting and just let it naturally happen. Remarkably, it has. But I've also pooped twice as well. As I've said elsewhere, when I'm honest with myself—it's okay, I don't mind.

    I told my best friend that I wear diapers at night and I've told a few other people. There's a natural, common arc to the conversation it seems. The first response is always, "Oh, you poor dear." said with concern or perhaps it's consternation. Not sure. After the first few conversations like this, I've finally found the courage to just say, "No, it's all right. I actually like being in diapers." Those conversations helped me when I finally asked the doctor to chart me as permanently incontinent. Aside from all the pleasure that I get from being in diapers, there is an actual medical need for me but it's been intermittent—when I have a UTI. It was while seeing the doctor for one that I asked if he would sign off on diapers for full-time wear. He understood the occasional need but was a bit concerned about full-time. So, I was prepared to say that I just preferred to be in diapers all the time. I'm also on disability for depression and getting depressed used to put my in diapers as a form of regressing away from stress.

    I know that some people wonder why I would want to wear diapers full-time if I could otherwise avoid it. I'm not sure that I really know the answer. I LIKE being in diapers and in the last few years, it's been more and more of a strain to keep cognizant of having to use the toilet. I void frequently, so in social settings that can be distracting and certainly given the length of time I've been in wearing diapers, there can be a bit of panic when even though I realize I need to pee, I can't quite get there before I've wet my panties. That's annoying and if for insurance I wear a pad... well, I might as well be in a diaper.

    The interesting part of this is that wearing diapers—way back when—was erotic and titilating, and yes, worn for sexual gratification. That went away a long, long time ago and what remained with the inexplicable desire to just be in a diaper unconcerned about wetting and occasionally pooping. Without the sexual gratification or the titillation of "gosh, I'm wearing a diaper in public" there is only the emotional wellbeing of just BEING in a diaper. 

    This is quite a turnaround from last August when, after being away from Dailydiaper for three years, and out of diapers for I'm sure two or so months, that I've progressed to full-time wear.  I'm sure that I'll face days where I just don't want to be diapered, or being diapered will be a real problem. Going to the beach is one such situation and also being out sailing is another. I'm sort of hoping that I'll be able to get by without diapers in those situations. I think that's possible. Night time has already loomed as a worry because it is more the worry that I might wet the bed and I've noticed that if I do sleep without a diaper, I clearly don't sleep as well. I do get through the night still, usually awakening when I'm about to wet, but I think it will be quite alarming if and when I don't wake when I'm about to wet. It's one thing to feel the need to wet and be able to relax and stay cuddly warm knowing that really control is still there, but another on the day I awaken wet and have slept through it.

    All these rambling musings aren't intended to explain anything to anyone—it's just my musings about where my life is going. As I've written, certain realizations arise. One is that I'm taking myself to a place—being incontinent—as a form of exploration of all the places of experience I was too afraid to explore when young. A big part of that was the consequence of being a transsexual. Somewhere around six, being about as early as I have memory, I started wearing my sisters' clothes. I didn't think about being a boy or girl, I just liked their clothes better. Around 8, I realized that taking my sisters' things without asking was bad. I still did but felt guilty. I just thought of myself as a 'sister' but was sensing that something was off. Shortly thereafter, I began to realize that being a 'girl'—not me personally, but being a girl in general and mostly conveyed by how the word was said—was lesser than being a boy which seemed always to be said with much pride and respect. Suddenly, I realized that I was a girl but that somehow, no one had realized. Thus began an obsession with 'being a boy'. And it was hard. At about 11, having been wearing my sisters' clothes secretly every other day and almost every night, puberty hit and I discovered masturbation. This paired with older boys introducing Playboy magazines and applying all the lasciviousness a young pubescent male mind is capable of created a horror in me. Here I was—a girl—sitting with boys looking through Playboy pornography (hey, it was the early 60s, it was back then) and outdoing each other with statements of the vile acts they would commit to the girls in the pictures if they had the chance. Maybe because I had started to masturbate in my sisters' clothes, I was actually a boy and just preferred clothes to pictures of girls (which I could only look at enviously wishing I was as pretty). Clearly, I needed to stay away from anything that was sexually arousing. Thus began a process of closing myself off. Stay away from boys who I was finding increasingly physically attractive but otherwise total little shits. I tried to stick with girls but I was now seen as the enemy. I was smart enough to realize that I couldn't claim otherwise. Then at the worst moment, the concept of being 'gay' landed on me.  I would sit in the high school cafeteria dreamily looking at a boy and imagining being in a pretty  dress and kissing him. The vision I had of myself was as a girl, pretty and slim (which I was) but now there was 'being gay'. By the terrible things the boys said, this was 'worse than being a girl'. Far worse. It was justification for harm. I couldn't imagine why. There was no direction to take my emotions and sexual feelings but into hiding in the persona of being a boy during the day and just being my self as a girl at night or when I was alone. And to do that I couldn't look at my body and certainly not between my legs at this horrendous appendage that made me one of those awful boys at school.

    Terrified that my father would discover I was a girl and be disappointed, worked as hard as I could at school, never questioned his authority, was obedient, always kept my hair short (this was the 60s, remember) and did everything right so that when I was inevitably discovered as a fraud and not really a boy, there would be other things that might redeem me. I stayed away from anything that might be sexually arousing fearing that my real feelings might take hold and reveal me. Only at night could I dare dream of offering a blowjob to a boy I was crushing on in high school and how wonderful he and I would feel after, only to go to school the next day and hear him and the other boys disparage, scorn and denigrate the girl who had been willing to do so. I began to hate boys. And yet, I did everything a boy should do to show he was a boy until 40 years of age,

    At another time, I can elaborate years of crossdressing and the schism of personality to be a woman in private and at night and feign being a man during the day. And every day worse worse than and harder than the day before.

    Depression took hold and the stresses of life —and an overwhelming desire—took me into diapers. From the security of diapers, which I took to wearing all the time, I finally revealed to the world that I was a woman. I transitioned. I shed anything male but my desire to be diapered stayed. Now, able to be myself, having friends here I can talk to and who understand me, I can explore the limits of my sexuality in role-plays. And the limits of some of you know are way out there. And in the same way, I'm now driven to claim that I am ABDL, that my life is better in diapers, as inexplicable as it might seem to some.

    Even as I write, I know that incontinence relieves me of the same burden I felt when I was trying to 'be a boy'. I live alone now. I don't have a partner, male or female. I am sexual fulfilled in the fantasy of roleplaying with the diaper boys here, the sissies and enjoy the company of the girls in just being friends and nice conversation. I'm not sure I wish to be bowel incontinent, but if it happens I hope I can adjust. I won't go to any great effort to be incontinent; if a toilet is in reach and I realize the need, that's okay. Otherwise, I'm in a diaper and that feels great. 

  6. Have you submitted the forms yet to start getting your diapers? I've read most of your posts, and see that you are conflicted about accepting your desires for incontinence and full time diapers...

    I think it's a natural progression, from interest in diapers, to wearing diapers, to desire to become incontinent... I've had my interest in diapers since I was about 6 years old. When I was in my 20's,  I would buy diapers, wear them for a few days, then feel guilty and throw everything away... (The often mentioned "Binge and Purge cycle" that ABDL's talk about..) Then in my 30's and 40's, I started wearing diapers every night, and eventually trained myself to be a bedwetter. My 50's saw me wearing diapers as often as I could in the daytime, and everynight for my now permanent bedwetting. I also started making home-made stents to get the daytime incontinence that I now increasingly desired.

    Now at the brink of turning 60,  I look forward to retiring in a few years so I can actively pursue my ultimate goal of becoming TRUELY diaper-dependent and incontinent 24/7, for the rest of my life!! You probably know by now that your "Diaper desires" will never go away. Like so many people on this site, the next logical and emotionally fulfilling step for you is to submit those forms, get your diapers, and become the diaper-dependent, incontinent person that you were always destined to be... 

  7. Hey Felix. I’ve been following this with interest as my goal to be permanent incontinent—although it’s almost terrifying to admit that’s what I’ve wanted for so long—is now quickly happening. What real accelerated was a series of UTIs (when I do need diapers for wetting) and I was talking to my doctor. I’m on disability for depression and I’ve known for years that diapers are covered for fulltime incontinence, but I’ve been unwilling to make it ‘real’ that I’m a diaper lover and want to be diaper dependent. Twice, I’ve applied for the forms to claim coverage as incontinent and not had the courage to talk to my doctor. Finally, this past fall, I requested the forms—I think as a bit of a deterrent for those who might like me just want to be incontinent, they make you come and get them personally and ask for them—and took them with me to my doctor when I had a UTI. Sadly, forms right there in my purse. I didn’t have the courage to say anything until the last moment, when he asked, “Is there anything else?” Out came, “Yes, I have... these... forms....” As he read the form, I sort of stammered, “It’s for diapers....” He read a bit more, “But this says for permanent full-time wear? I didn’t know you were incontinent. Do you need to wear diapers all the time?” ”Yes. Well, sort of. I have to wear diapers when I have a UTI but I just like wearing diapers.” A quizzical look and pause. “Let me just check with another doctor. He left. I waited. He returned, sat at the computer—typed. ”So...”, a bit more typing, “I’ve charted that you’re permanently incontinent. Just so you know, you should be diapered when you come to the clinic from now on and if you need to be hospitalized in the future, expect to have to be diapered. You certainly have transient incontinence, so I’ll accept the request as legitimate, but please understand that over time you will become permanently incontinent by wearing diapers all the time.” glancing at the door, referring, I suppose, to the other doctor, “I guess there are people who just like wearing diapers.” “Well, I guess I’m sort of like that... “ I said red-faced and not a little sheepishly. He handed me the signed forms. Now I’m working up the courage to submit the forms and start receiving diapers.
  8. So, as a follow-on to my post earlier today, Sam, my dog came barking to go for a walk, just as I was chatting. I knew my diaper was wet and messy, but I really thought that a quick walk would be okay. After all, it's what I have to look forward to—always being in diapers. I found his leash, my coat, boots and gloves. It's just late afternoon, so the warm of the sun is waning. I could feel the chill more than earlier in the day. Off we went, but barely a hundred metres, I felt a chill down my leg. Oh, dear! It was too late; I'd wet again and my diaper had leaked. That's the problem with cloth diapers with plastic panties—they just always leak! 

    If I returned home, I would have to change a dirty diaper, which is quite an affair when it's messy. I would have to wash—most likely bathe, find a fresh diaper and panties, clean leggings and then return to the walk. It would be dark by then. If I am willing myself to being incontinent, then guess I've got to adjust to accidents and the possibility of being seen. 

    I walked on. I did pass a neighbour but she was on the step of her house and I on the street, so I don't think she could see that I had wet myself. At least, I don't think that she could. I guess I should care more. Some part of me was almost tempted to turn so that she just might see that I had wet myself. Perhaps it's time to let the neighbourhood know that I wear diapers, I'm incontinent and prone to 'accidents'. What sort of craziness is this kind of thinking?

     

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    1. Wannatripbaby

      Wannatripbaby

      Not many people could handle the stress of walking around in obviously-wet pants. You are truly a remarkable woman. :)

  9. I was really planning this weekend as one of reading and not wearing diapers. Well, it hasn’t worked out that way. Here, Sunday afternoon, with bright sun streaming through the window onto the couch where I’ve been reading, not only am I diapered but I have both wet and pooed. Don’t get me wrong, I love being in diapers although I have to say I’ve always been very conflicted about it. What’s crazy is that I’m still conflicted after 20 years. 

    You must think that I moan about this all the time; I guess that I do. In twenty some years, there’s been no month that I haven’t worn diapers for at least a few days. Now, it seems, I seldom go more than a week or two before I am back in diapers. Today is such a day. I am experiencing a creeping dependence on diapers and I don’t know if I am scared or excited. But today, I just wanted to read.

    I have a wonderful place to read. In a bedroom converted to an office is a window wall which faces west. In the afternoon, sun pours in onto a long coach positioned against the wall. It is soft and comfy and, bathed in sun, so pleasant to sit or lie and read. I am most often in the company of one or two of my cats who curl into balls weighing down my outstretched legs. So it is today. 

    I began reading just after lunch. I am wearing diapers more often than not a nighttime, changing into panties in the morning. So it was this morning. But I’ve been ‘off’ a bit all morning and after lunch I was still a bit unsettled. This isn’t an infrequent occurrence and often I will change into a diaper, “just in case”. What is happening more and more is that ‘just in case’ becomes ‘case’ and I wet. I suspect that it is a sort of conditioning that has occurred over the years I’ve been wearing diapers. When diapered, I’ve learned to relax. I can be unconcerned with the sense that I have to pee and, with time, that momentary sense no longer triggers me to hold when diapered. There is a moments awareness which, if I don’t immediately act to hold, is followed by peeing. With increasing frequency in the last year, when not in diapers, I sense the need to go, believe I am ‘holding’ only to realize that I haven’t and am wetting myself. It is equal parts exciting, scary and embarrassing. It’s not so bad in the winter as my coats will hide any visible leaks. I am a moth to the flame of incontinence evan as I am rationally scared of that consequence. 

    There are certainly moments, when not in diapers, where I realize how awkward being incontinent would be. There are days when I simply don’t want to be diapered.. I’m out walking my dog and as other strollers pass, I consider how ‘normal’ they are and how ‘normal’ I am not. Often, during my morning walk I will both pee and poop my diaper. Then, the return home is in a messy diaper, again as others out for a morning stroll exchange pleasantries. No knowing I am diapered. It is in those moments thaat I wonder why that there is undeniable pleasure in being diapered, in being wet or messy, and yet the conflicting feeling that I wish I weren’t.

    So, there I was.. Warmed by the sun, my legs weighed down by my favourite cat, reading “Hume and His Relationship with Religion” on my iPad. But my reading was interrupted by an unsettled tummy. Did I need to pee? Well, not really, I guessed, but I couldn’t concentrate. “I don’t need to be diapered. Really, I don’t. But... “ I read on but was again, and again distracted. Why? Finally, with that inexplicable sense of excitement, fear that like a vapour brushes your tummy, I relented and went to change.

    Disposable diapers are expensive. More so, now that when diapered I tend to dribble or I wee frequently. In each instant there is that moment’s sense that I am about to wee and without effort I sense that I am. Without the worry of leaking diapers, and the increasing frequency, it is barely noticeable and when I chose to ‘not be bothered’ I am more aware after by the warm between my legs than during, that I have. That means frequent diaper changes if I wish to be in a dry diaper, or accepting that I am in a wet diaper. To allay the expense, I purchased cloth diapers and plastic panties. These I can change as frequently as I wish. As necessary, I can do a diaper wash. In consequence the cost of being diapered but dry is tolerable. Cloth diapers with plastic pants, however, I find to be clammy and itchy when worn at night. More than a few times, I’ve acquired a UTI. Until cleared with anitibotics, there is no other option for me, but to wear diapers 24/7. But I digress. I had only one disposable diaper left. I changed into a cloth diaper covered with plastic panties and pulled on some leggings. I returned to the cats, the sun, the sofa and my iPad. 

    “A good start for understand the English philosopher Hume’s  views on theism is his empiricism... “” ; warmth between my legs, that inexplicable  sensation of foreboding, apprehension, perhaps fear, warmed my tummy as my cheeks were parted by an insisting warmth as my bowels moved and poo pushed into my diaper. A cat is languorously spread in sleep between the recess made my legs. My stomach warms at the realization that this feels so normal and right to me. The feeling of contentment, of properly belonging in diapers, of coming to accept that I find pleasure being incontinent, of realizing that however I protest to you and even myself, my denials of this are disingenuous—I’ve wanted this. 

    So, in sharing this with you, the contestation of feelings continue. I’m trying to find my truth. I shouldn’t want to be come incontient, but I’m unable, perhaps to undisciplined—whatever—to stop the drift toward incontinence. Perhaps this emotional struggle has heightened since I came back to Dailydiapers in the summer of last year. I had been out of diapers for more than a few months, but, as always happens, that strange sensation attached to needing to poo, triggered the impulse to buy diapers. Once again, I was lost in that pleasure of peeing and pooping my diaper; that state of unconcern and freedom that when the sensation was felt, there was nothing I need do, but allow myself the freedom to wee and poo. Those feelings, although faltering in moments have increased through the winter. For the first time, I’ve admitted to some friends that I wear diapers—their responses, mostly, were concern for my wellbeing and by the third person it was easy, but also scarily thrilling, to admit that I actually didn’t mind being in diapers. It’s continued to progress as I now openly buy my diapers at the Shopper’s drugstore that I frequent. I’ve finally come to tell my doctor that I wear diapers. 

    If needed, my healthcare covers the cost of diapers. In the last few years, I’ve had frequent UTIs during which I am incontinent—the discomfort of trying to hold is acute and most often unsuccessful. Antibiotics are indicated. I’ve had many prescriptions. Finally, stomach knotted and fluttering, I took the forms into him and asked if he would sign off on diapers. Diapers are not uncommon for women my age, and being trans there is a greater instance of incontinence.

    “Do you need diapers for full-time use in the day and at night?” My stomach burned at the question—my cheeks too, I’m sure.

    ”Yes.” I replied in a somewhat strangled voice, realizing the steps I’m taking and the implications. He checked the appropriate boxes. 

    “That’s unfortunate.” He said, signing the form and then charting me as incontinent. 

    “It’s okay... I actually don’t mind wearing diapers... “ I replied weakly. He handed me the signed forms.

    And there they sit, on my desk, ready to be submitted. I have to submit what diapers I want, from where and at what cost. The insurance counsellor was quite matter of fact about it. I am on record; the forms expected. How ironic that theses steps and how I feel parallel the philosophy that I’m reading. It’s called constitutive identity. You are, in the eyes of those who know something about you, made into what they perceive of that information. They know that I wear diapers.. I will be supplied with sufficient diapers to be diapered 24/7. To them I am incontinent with all the implications they draw. To me, I am becoming what they think I am and more. I am a diaper lover. As I type them those words thrill me. A warm that is pleasure. Pleasure that I cannot pull away from. But, I must... I have to get back to my reading.

    It is on record that I am incontient. And here I sit in the sun, writing to you in a wet and messy diaper. I don’t know if I’m more scared or pleased. I don’t want to believe that I will become incontinent but maybe I am actually enjoying the sensations of worry, that scariness that comes from a certainty that if I am not willing myself to be incontinent, I’m certainly not willing myself not to be.

    1. Wannatripbaby

      Wannatripbaby

      I wish I could say something to make it better. To make the fear go away. But I simply do not possess the words. I've never had any experience with diapers and certainly not with incontinence!

      All I can say is, if you've told your friends about your diapers and they still love you, surely it can't be too bad, right? As long as you have love, what else really matters?

      You're a remarkable woman, nitewets. It is my honor and privilege to count you among my friends and I hope you know that I am always here for you 7 days a week if you ever need someone to talk to or you're just feeling low and need someone to remind you how wonderful you are. ♡

    2. nitewets

      nitewets

      You're really so wonderful. I'll sort this out. I know inside that I will become incontinent and I will find a way to be okay with it. Everything I write is a way of trying to find my real feelings and in review it all leads to wanting to be incontinent and diaper dependent. So, I may struggle along the way—and you're such a dear to share the journey with me—but somewhere deep inside, I guess it's the destiny that I want. 

      Poopy cloth diapers are a bit icky but even then, I really don't mind tending to dirty diapers, rinsing them out in the toilet and then doing a diaper wash. My roommate has found my diapers a few times now in the washer and transferred them to the dryer, so that's a hurdle passed.

      Anyway, you're a real dear and I love you for that.

    3. Wannatripbaby

      Wannatripbaby

      I love you, too. ♡♡♡

  10. I have posted elsewhere that becoming bladder incontinent can happen more quickly in the following way. As always, you want to free yourself as much from anxiety so if you’re worried about wetting in public, we plastic panties over a diaper you’re confident won’t leak. The trick is to stop yourself emptying your bladder when you go so that you constantly feel the need to go. At the beginning it is hard to relax—the natural inclination is to clench. That’s okay. If you clench, then just relax until you start to go. When you do start to wet, immediately clench—you will still have an almost full bladder and the need pee will return quickly. Again if you naturally clench just relax as quickly as possible and wet a small amount, then clench again. Do this all day. It is quite pleasurable to be in contant need to pee. There will be a moment when you do a natural clench but then spontaneously relax and you will have started on your journey to incontinence. The initial natural clenching is unlikely to ever go away, but what you will have done is conditioned your bladder to immediately relax and wet your diaper. As a caution, knowing that I have done this to myself I try to manage daytime incontinences by not drinking and if I really don’t want to wear a diaper that day, I still have to wear a pad. I am essentially incontinent at night now, as I might be too sleepy and not quick enough to intentionally hold—I still wake with the sense of needing to void but then wet before I’m fully awake to prevent relaxing. Im not sure I really want to lose the awareness that I’m about to pee, but now and again that does happen and it is feeling myself already peeing that triggers me. I’ve yet to have a really embarrassing accident but, it is becoming more stressful not wearing a diaper while in public
  11. To help with becoming bowel incontinent, I’ve found that a very small enema will do the trick. This especially works first thing in the morning. I happen to use a vagina douche bulb for this. Use a 1/8th of a cup or less of very warm soapy water. It is the soap that stimulates your bowels to move. As soon as you wake or set you alarm early to administer the enema and return to bed. If you are at all worried about soiling the bed, it will get in the way of a natural bowel movement, so make sure that you’ve taken all the precautions necessary. The enema will stimulate your bowels very naturally. You will mess and it will be bacuse you can’t hold any longer (which makes you feel helpless and babyish) was and usually within a few minutes. It is a luxurious feeling to feel the increasing need to go. This urgency will gradually increase until your bowels will move and you will not be able to stop it. You will experience struggling to hold rather than trying to force yourself, which is what you want. You will mess your diaper uncontrollably. Because it’s more natural, you will be able to unpotty-train yourself and early morning messing will become simply a matter of just relaxing. This has worked for me.
  12. nitewets

    Hello im new here.

    Hey hon. Welcome out into the ‘public’ here. Lurking is okay, even if the term suggests otherwise. It takes time to feel comfortable. Im just being friendly as a way of introducing myself, too. Always seems that everyone already knows everyone else. Im DL, too btw. anyway, hi.
  13. Hiya Nitewets, I enjoyed meeting with you the other night and chatting too! Hopefully you feel better so we can connect again soon, I'll try my best to be online later, do take care. *Hugs close*

  14. Well, I went a few days without diapers, again, but over the weekend I had a small accident in public. Was out for brunch at a restaurant, and feeling I needed to go, I excused myself and headed to the loo. It wasn’t far—a small restaurant and fortunately almost empty—just across the room and down a short corridor. I thought I was holding and then realized I had started to wet myself. I wasn’t wearing a diaper, nor had I brought one with me—I hadn’t even brought any sanitary pads. The best I could do was try to press out the wet out of my panties and the crotch of my leggings with toilet paper as best I could and then pull down my sweater to hide my wet crotch until we left.

    There’s a big difference between enjoying wetting in public and the special feeling of security being in a diaper brings me, and becoming incontinent. I know this and I worry but not, it seems, enough to stop wearing diapers.

    i finally took the forms in to my doctor and admitted to wearing diapers for pleasure and increasingly need. He is obviously concerned about my increasing  incontinence and has signed off on enough diapers through healthcare to wear diapers 24/7 (5 daytime diapers and an overnight diaper). I said I didn’t really need that but he wasn’t at all confident that I could resist wearing diapers entirely—which was his recommendation—so he said I should be prepared for incontinence. I went home after the appointment and went to bed because I didn’t know if I was happy or scared to death. 

    So, here I am back in a diaper—wet because when I’m in diapers because I barely have any resistance to the need to pee—writing this to anyone who reads it and to my future self, for that future time when I want to go back and understand why allowed mysel, or choose, to become incontinent.

     

    1. Wannatripbaby

      Wannatripbaby

      I'm sorry to hear that your stressed out. I wish there was something I could say to help you feel better. Just know that I'm here for you if you want to talk. You're a wonderful girl, Nitewets. Being incontinent won't change that. Your friends & family will still love you. And really, what else matters next to that?

    2. nitewets

      nitewets

      What a wonderful person you are. Thank you for your very kind words. I’ve changed into a fresh overnight diaper and plastic panties, so I will have a nice sleep tonight.

  15. Thanks. I revised the wording to remove the implication of stopping on the highway itself. It was never my intention to become incontinent. You will see from what I’ve written elsewhere that I’ve been struggling emotionally with my present situation and where it seems to be leading.