I really like my snow white onesie at night. My morning 🌄 look. I love the feel of the double cloth (xl) diapers and yellow plastic panties from babykins (last a long time).😁
 

HEARTBREAKING DAY! FEEL NUMB! FEEL like I am "untouchable"! Feel like I am worthless to those I NEED to help me!

I Saw my Neurosurgeon, great guy, acknowledges I am in tremendous pain, but feels the "RISK IS TOO HIGH" right now, wants me to wait until my spine becomes literally "critical" BEFORE he will do anything. In 5 months, I lost well over 1mm on 2 cervical levels, have 2 herniated discs and 3 bulging discs, lost .8 & .6mm @ L4/L5 & L3/L4. M L5/S1 is DESTROYED, and the nerve issues (including full IC!) are constantly worsening!

You're told for 10 months you NEED all of this reconstruction surgery, wind up seeing 1 neurosurgeon who knew NOTHING about you, sets you off so BAD you somehow bent your steering wheel to the degree you could not drive the vehicle! THANKFULLY< as a lifelong professional mechanic, I travel with around 125lbs of tools, including a 42" Snap-On prybar, as THAT was the only way  could rive home, got the sheel CLOSE to straight, safe to drive...I lost 27lbs between July 1st Aug 4th UNTIL the supervisor called me and let me know he had a new neurosurgeon for me, and the prior one is IN DEEP TROUBLE (all appointments are recorded!) and I had a new neurosurgeon! I had HOPE again, despite the INDESCRIBABLE PAIN! and to find another who is a great guy, gave me highly detailed detailed explanations, was GREAT!

Until he told me he is not yet willing to do ANYTHING right now. Told me WHEN my MRI shows my CSF (Cerebral Spinal Fluid)...even though I have 3 area where the passages for it are MINIMAL...he's unwilling to operate until they are blocked!     I sincerely had HOPE, and feel hopeless! UNTIL the CSF is unable to circulate, THEN he will go after whatever, but ONLY on that level/levels. At the rate of deterioration? 2 years, max......WHAT DO I DO IN THE INTERIM? The ***PAIN*** at night keeps me awake until the sunrise every damn night, unless i CHEAT, and take "forbidden" pills. 
ARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

I FEEL LOST, HOPELESS, WISH I could end my misery, but that I NOT who I am. I truly feel outcast, worthless, a problem NO ONE is willing to help....I AM A DISABLED VETERAN< STILL WILLING TO DIE FOR THIS COUNTRY! FUCCCCCCKKKKKK!

I do "halfway" wish they'd tell me I have a week to live though...I'd spend every cent I have to throw an all invitation party, place all of my 8 Klipsch HUGE speakers around my a HUGE field I'd rent, buy another MONSTER amp (EVERYONE for 1/4-1/2 mile will hear the music, and is invited to PARTY TIL I DROP!) and buy food/beer for all, with rock/metal/blues rock and a even some folk & country (less than 10%) until I drop dead...with the promise you build a wooden boat, (painted WHITE!) anchor it in my all time fishing place in the middle of the Susquehanna River in Exeter, Pa, filled with highly flammable material and give me a PROPER VIKING FUNERAL LOL! The boat NEEDS TO float long enough to incinerate my body completely! Get someone who plays trumpet to play TAPS!

As soon as "POWDERFINGER" by Neil Young & Crazy Horse begins to play, everyone stands along the shore as someone hits a remote lighter, and I become PART of my favorite spot for life! Native Americans KENW HOW to celebrate the moving into the next world!

I see my entire Pain Management team tomorrow morning, assuming I can wake up early enough, and then have a TON OF WORK at the garage, although I need the money! I have close to $25k in cash put away, HALF of what I need to bring this house "up to date" although considering I did not start putting this money away until 2 years ago (I don't put all of what I make into this fund)....I can't bitch.

Tomorrow I also have a 1 ton truck that needs $6500 worth of work, doing about $4k worth tomorrow, can't order the rest of the parts UNTIL I see what the Parking Brake shoes/actuators are like, can't now that until the rear rotors are off (changing the park brake shoes requires disassembling MOST of the rear differential, so, 5, 6 hours as with 300k on it, getting all new bearings, seals etc.) and I won't know if the ABS module is good until I inspect the L/F hub assembly with the sensor out,(95% certain all it needs is a sensor) replace the sensor and SEE ir that fixes the ABS......the cooling system, oil pan (rusted/leaking), trans fluid etc. is ALL stuff that can wait a month or so..the brakes NOT functioning CAN'T....plus it will need 4 tires, E rated (1 ton truck) with top tier tires retail for over $350/each, cost me around $300 each! They must wait too as he only has X amount of money for right now. I also forgot, I need to replace the U joints on the driveshaft! GOOD THING I wrote this, have to order them NOW!

Rebuilt the COMPLETE front end (4 ball joints, axle u joints, hub bearings (why I believe the ABS sensor is the only issue(  all steering linkage, all 4 shocks, added rear air bags (tows 14klbs often) as well as new front brake pads, calipers (seized pistons on left front, always replace in pairs) and front brake hoses.......THAT was well over 3k and 2 full days of work.

It also need to valve cover gasket and valve cover body gaskets replaced, but THAT TOO must wait! WILL pass inspection IF it has parking brake shoes and actuators that are not seized, also replacing ALL e brake cables, equalizers, connectors etc, rear brakes, calipers, hoses, rotors (ito the rotors on r/r) but IF the park brake/e brake soes are shoit, no inspection until he saves up the $800 or so to rebuild the entire rear differential, replace the park brake shoes, actuators...... truck has 276k on it, and is STILL a rock...doors are beginning to rot, but this is NE Pa! Frame is PERFECT!

ANYWAY...GLAD I am busy as I am so fucking OVER STRESSED right now, I NEED something to take my mind of of this....only issue is I have NO CLUE how long I can stand tomorrow! For $75+/hr? IF I HAVE TO CRAWL....I'll get most of the work for tomorrow finished!

Those of you who pray??? I'd appreciate adding my name to your list!

PRAYING my Pain Management TEAM (VA, GREAT Pain Mgt Team, GREAT Dr's,) has ANSWERS and DIRECTION! EVERYONE at the VA is awesome except the admins are GREAT...Administrators are mostly political hires and SUCK!!! What USED TO BE a 750 bed patient hospital is NOW a 75 bed/patient hospital! The top 6 floors? ALL ADMINS! HOW MANY POLITICAL JOBS EXIST? Half tempted to apply for one! GREAT pay, all federal holidays, I am already 100% full/permanent so don't need the benefits.....plus a GREAT retirement package! I think I may have found a new career! Just by writing about it....sadly, I HATE all politicians, party means NOTHING to me, they all care ONLY about those who BOUGHT AND PAID FOR THEM....constituents are SHIT! 

My apologies...my mind is RACIG, the PAIN is EXCRUCIATING and I truly feel like NO ONE is willing to help me,. as my experience with Neurosurgeons has been "not fruitful" despite having needed major surgery for years. Forgive my rambling...maybe I feel 100% better tomorrow after meeting with Pain Mgmt...they are indeed AWESOME! IF ANYONE has the answers, they will....just wish I KNEW NOW< as I am DEVASTATED!

CptKirk

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