The mental game of becoming a bedwetter- overview of mental barriers I've seen (add more!)

[dlmolicares]

I've been training for bedwetting over the last 4-5 years (never wet the bed over the age of 3 or so) and would consider myself a true occasional bedwetter (semantics are important but defining "true" bedwetter is probably better on another post) Quick take for me, it means that I awaken totally soaked w/ no recollection some nights (up to 3-4 nights a week, sometimes a week without any) and that I've had times where I absolutely wanted to stay dry but ended up soaking sheets anyways (such as staying over in someone’s new bed and prepping with less fluids and “going” before sleep!)

Looking back, a lot of that process was a mental game, and I've not seen someone post all of the mental facets in one place so I'm doing it here to help others and get new ideas. These are potential mental hurdles to be overcome to achieve the goal. By far, the most fascinating part of my journey was the process of recognizing (some may be subconscious) and also overcoming those hurdles. Each hurdle overcome may be a step closer to being a true bedwetter (depending on how you define it!) Hope this is helpful for the journey of others too:

1) Night Diaper Wearing: Getting used to wearing a diaper at night (Was quick for me, maybe a week or so. For others it might be trickier, esp. if they have a partner who isn't aware!)

2) Night Diaper Wetting: Learning to comfortably urinate from any sleeping position with no effort (For non-bedwetters and non 24/7, being totally at ease with letting go from any position in bed can be a big mental barrier. Part of our minds tell us "not now" and this needs to be overcome- being able to wet whenever you want in a bed with ease)

3) Travels and overall acceptance: Simply, this is the mental acceptance that you’ll need diapers every night. Staying over at a friend’s place. Vacationing with family. Big business trips. Getting to the point that you accept and are willing to have this shape your life.

For some this may seem nearly impossible or simply impractical. It can certainly impact relationships. It’s also a big reconciliation- beyond the fantasy of being a bedwetter, am I truly ready to accept the real world implications of being a bedwetter for life? Knowing once I cross a certain point I may not be able to untrain and become reliably dry every night?

I have accomplished this step- but recognize others may not be able to easily. The degree to which each of us wants this goal (and how we define true bedwetting) varies, and that’s OK! Our mindset on this likely impacts our wetting outcomes to one extent or another.

4) Wet Sheet Concerns: Many are inclined to not want to sleep in wet sheets. At the core it can create some hesitation to wet- almost if the mind is processing whether or not it’s “safe” to wet- Conscious or subconscious processing like “Am I wearing a diaper? Is the diaper already too wet to hold more? Am I in a safe place to wet the bed? Will I wet my sheets by mistake?” This is mental, and may create some barrier to wetting freedom (There are examples on this forum of people who truly wet the bed when they have a diaper on, but don’t wet the bed if they have no diaper)

There are several tools to resolve (are there more?) The blunt (probably most effective but less practical for some) is to spend weeks wetting the sheets every night and simply get used to and then accept the feeling- normal and OK to be in wet sheets all night, normal to do laundry daily, etc. Conceptually, the other (easier) way is to have enough protection that the sheets won’t get wet no matter how much we wet. Easier said than done, especially for side sleepers. This can also be more costly- I wear a full Abena and robust Abena pad with rubber pants and underpad nightly, but still often have leaks through to the sheets. The other mental piece here can be acceptance- being OK when wet sheets happen. Self-talk such as “Great, my wet sheets mean the training is working and I’m getting closer to my goal” and “Wet sheets are OK, they happen to bedwetters sometimes” may help.

5)    Multiple wettings (largely related to above) meaning whether or not you wet each time you awaken or do it just the first time. It’s just another facet of 4 above. Most of my wettings are early in sleep (before 2 AM) and I don’t tend to wet if I already have earlier (awake or not the first time) As mentioned above, it’s probably a barrier. A slightly awake measure of whether or not you’ll make the sheets wet when you wet.

6)    Sharing with professionals: Whether or not you’ve disclosed your bedwetting to professionals. I’ve not fully done so. Certainly have talked about it to therapists (for years!) but haven’t talked to my primary physician nor specialists. Personally, on the fence for my next colonoscopy but leaning to just letting them know I wear for leakage during the day (Been wearing 24/7, Truly do leak after urinating which adds up to a pretty big wet stain by the end of day!) or even that I go at night sometimes (even sometimes when not wanting to do so) Overdue for colonoscopy but not comfortable / reconciled about how to with or without being padded up in there (day and sleep leakage) Have worn for years at massages- stated "for convenience" and it's totally accepted. But, as I’ve not told all docs, it feels to me like a mental barrier that would bring me closer if crossed.

7) Acceptance of all outcomes: Just a tip from a therapist 5-6 years ago, which was simply to be OK whether you wet or not. Idea being that if we categorize as "successful or unsuccessful" every night it adds pressure and brings us away from the goal. Idea here is to be OK if you don't wet on a given night but certainly enjoy when you do as getting closer to your goal.

If we think we fail when we don't, we're putting all sorts of conscious and subconscious pressure on ourselves- enjoy the journey!

8) Any others???

 PS- Hypnosis helped me a TON... Not so much that it made me immediately become a bedwetter, but more so in helping me reposition the barriers here and also change the inner dialogue. Big help on the mental piece for me!

[oznl]

Your developmental stage sounds very  close to my own and I’m just coming up on 5 years unbroken nappy use.  I think I already had steps #1 and #2 nailed when I went 24/7 so I started at step #3.

Whilst the fact that I’ve been 24/7 diapered for a long time has caused some “degradation” of control down there, I totally agree that the bedwetting thing is a mental thing and not physiological.   I do probably have more teachable moments than most overnight because these days, I'd need to pee 3 times per night (assuming I stayed awake for it).

Like yourself, I tend to wet in the first trimester of the night and I’ve realised it’s not even related to a full bladder.  It’s just something my body does now some nights.

Like yourself, this new habit is a total non-respecter of place or circumstance.  It happens when it happens and wherever I happen to be, that’s WHERE it happens.

[Little Sherri]

Also coming up on 5 years 24/7, and I've cleared the first three of your hurdles handily. I've wet the my diaper in bed in places where it would have been deeply inconvenient, had they failed me. I've travelled with my family and shared hotel rooms on other continents and worn diapers throughout, even when I (occasionally) didn't feel like it. 

Bedwetting for me is an intermittent and unpredictable phenomenon. It can happen three times in one week, or once in three weeks. I define it as instances where I go to sleep, have no recollection of having awakened, and then I wake up and I'm wet, or wetter, than I was when I was last conscious. Alcohol increases the odds that this will happen. 

Sharing with professionals has happened - sort of - though unintentionally. The one that really counts is my primary care physician, whom I've had since I was a kid, and who obviously has a gambling problem or something, because he's still working a good-paying job, and he has to be 75. But I have not shared this with him - I'm waiting for him to retire, and then I will get a new doc, and my plan is to tell her/him that I have an overactive bladder, and I saw a urologist about it, and found out the medications are 30% effective and have undesirable side-effects, so I've chosen plastic underpants instead, next question please. 

But I did see a urologist - and get this: I switched from a diaper to a pull-up right before the appointment, because of some disturbance in the Force I detected, and sure enough, the first thing he asked me to do was drop my pants, in front of him and a resident. And then they made no remark about the fact I was wearing a pull-up, because they weren't there for that. So, an anticlimactic outcome. 

The other time was when I had an MRI during the pandemic and was given a translucent disposable gown, under which my diaper was visible to the point that a technician gave me a second disposable gown to put over my first.  

[WBxx]

I’m good on 1 to 5.  I’ve contemplated but not ready for 6) Sharing with professionals.  My primary care physician’s annual questionnaire has – “Do you wet the bed?” Reasoning that I don’t want treatment or discussion my answer has been no.  And several times my urologist has inquired as to how many times I get up for the bathroom during the night?  Do I have trouble getting back to sleep?  My responses are less than truthful.

I struggle big time with 7) Acceptance of all outcomes.  The day after wetting the bed I’m on top of the world.  Nothing bothers me.  I’m special.  Conversely, after not wetting in my sleep I’m depressed and irritable.  It's a bad day.
 

😎 Any others???

In addition to physicians, some recommend telling colleagues, friends, everyone you have a bedwetting problem.  If everyone thinks you’re a bedwetter you are one and act accordingly.  Sounds good … but not happening here.

[dlmolicares]

I understand the sentiment, for a long time I judged my night as good or bad based on whether or not I wet. Fortunate that I had a therapist I was sharing this journey with (even sharing I was using hypnosis) and she was the one who suggested I stop judging based on outcomes. It was helpful for me as it removed some of the pressure I was putting on myself.

 

[DAQ]

10 hours ago, WBxx said:

I’m good on 1 to 5.  I’ve contemplated but not ready for 6) Sharing with professionals.  My primary care physician’s annual questionnaire has – “Do you wet the bed?” Reasoning that I don’t want treatment or discussion my answer has been no.  And several times my urologist has inquired as to how many times I get up for the bathroom during the night?  Do I have trouble getting back to sleep?  My responses are less than truthful.

I struggle big time with 7) Acceptance of all outcomes.  The day after wetting the bed I’m on top of the world.  Nothing bothers me.  I’m special.  Conversely, after not wetting in my sleep I’m depressed and irritable.  It's a bad day.
 

😎 Any others???

In addition to physicians, some recommend telling colleagues, friends, everyone you have a bedwetting problem.  If everyone thinks you’re a bedwetter you are one and act accordingly.  Sounds good … but not happening here.

I like your #6 but may I propose a change or maybe it is different enough to warrant it's own number. Sharing your authentic self with others in the community, the broader ABDL community but also within people who are seeking incontinence. Last November I started going to ABDL meetups and that has helped reframe things significantly. But what has helped the most has been discussing this with people who are also on the journey. Talking with them has helped me in learning myself and different perspective has been fantastic.

[longislandguy]

That’s very interesting. I FINALLY made a new ABDL friend, told him I’ve started wetting the bed, and he was happy for me. Later, I had wet while we weee hanging out and I told him that too. Not only was he good with it, he’s like “yeah….that happens. “. I’ve wet in front of people before, but that was the first time I said that I did. 

[dlmolicares]

Really good comments! Updating the list here (and shortening!)

1) Night Diaper Wearing: Getting used to wearing a diaper at night (Was quick for me, maybe a week or so. For others it might be trickier, esp. if they have a partner who isn't aware!)

2) Night Diaper Wetting: Learning to comfortably urinate from any sleeping position with no effort (For non-bedwetters and non 24/7, being totally at ease with letting go from any position in bed can be a big mental barrier)

3) Travels and overall acceptance: Simply, this is the mental acceptance that you’ll need diapers every night. Staying over at a friend’s place. Vacationing with family. Big business trips. Getting to the point that you accept and are willing to have this shape your life.

4) Wet Sheet Concerns: Many are inclined to not want to sleep in wet sheets. At the core it can create some hesitation to wet- almost if the mind is processing whether or not it’s “safe” to wet- Conscious or subconscious processing like “Am I wearing a diaper? Is the diaper already too wet to hold more? Am I in a safe place to wet the bed? Will I wet my sheets by mistake?” This is mental, and may create some barrier to wetting freedom 

5)    Multiple wettings (largely related to above) meaning whether or not you wet each time you awaken or do it just the first time. It’s just another facet of 4 above. Most of my wettings are early in sleep (before 2 AM) and I don’t tend to wet if I already have earlier (awake or not the first time) As mentioned above, it’s probably a barrier. A slightly awake measure of whether or not you’ll make the sheets wet when you wet.

6)    Sharing with professionals: Whether or not you’ve disclosed your bedwetting to professionals. For me, yes to massage therapist (I wear 24/7) and to counselors / psychologists (Even shared my initial goal 5 years ago!) and maybe incidental to a dermatologist (think she may have seen it briefly) However, not yet to Primary Care Physician nor have I seen specialists on the matter (no urology, sleep meds etc) Gastro (upcoming colonoscopy) is up in the air but thinking I'll share I am more comfortable wearing (post matriculation dribble is real and I do have occasional sleep accidents)

7)  Community: Thanks to longislandguy for adding this. Certainly community like these forums, virtual worlds and other online interactions allow us to share and process our journey more. To his point though, meeting AB/DL in real life does make a difference. I've only done so a couple of times (when out of town) but the idea of community becomes more real when you see everyone in a coffee shop. We are a community and fully knowing there are others can help us figure this all out!

8 )  Close contacts and family: Thanks to WBxx for chiming in. Many of us don't share with close contacts and family. Personally, I think in terms of "need to know" in that my spouse knows and accepts (but doesn't RP with it, which is fine) but that's a big step. Not sure how one fully trains to bedwet without some interaction w spouse / partner. On "Need to know", I see absolutely no reason for personal friends need to know this about me. They don't benefit from knowing. Ditto for extended family, children etc. Would say, going 24/7 does get hard to hide. There are times when others that didn't need to know saw my diaper (unfortunately, would rather they hadn't!) but I answered their questions and moved on.

9) Acceptance of all outcomes: Just a tip from a therapist 5-6 years ago, which was simply to be OK whether you wet or not. Idea being that if we categorize as "successful or unsuccessful" every night it adds pressure and brings us away from the goal. She said to simply take a moment to enjoy the feeling when it happens, but don't berate yourself on nights it doesn't. I now spend less mental energy trying to make it happen before bed and simply brief up knowing I may have an accident. When it happens, great! If it doesn't, I simply get along with my day and look forward to seeing what the next evening holds (or if I don't hold  :>)

[stevewet]

On 3/23/2024 at 7:13 PM, WBxx said:

I’m good on 1 to 5.  I’ve contemplated but not ready for 6) Sharing with professionals.  My primary care physician’s annual questionnaire has – “Do you wet the bed?” Reasoning that I don’t want treatment or discussion my answer has been no.  And several times my urologist has inquired as to how many times I get up for the bathroom during the night?  Do I have trouble getting back to sleep?  My responses are less than truthful.

I struggle big time with 7) Acceptance of all outcomes.  The day after wetting the bed I’m on top of the world.  Nothing bothers me.  I’m special.  Conversely, after not wetting in my sleep I’m depressed and irritable.  It's a bad day.
 

😎 Any others???

In addition to physicians, some recommend telling colleagues, friends, everyone you have a bedwetting problem.  If everyone thinks you’re a bedwetter you are one and act accordingly.  Sounds good … but not happening here.

I have never been happier since I started wetting the bed again. I could not imagine being dry at night again.

[foreverdl]

I would Love to get my spare room setup so I can soak the bed. I think I can maintain the smell to that room. Any ideas on how to vent the smell outside ? Without a bunch of work or money? I can put a bathroom kind of exhaust fan if it without much work. I am gonna do a lot of re arranging this room to make stuff work. I have a very well protected mattress , it's invocare hospital mattress so no worries about damage to it. I just need to cover it with some good blankets or what ever to have a way to soak it up.

[stevewet]

On 3/24/2024 at 12:59 PM, dlmolicares said:

Really good comments! Updating the list here (and shortening!)

1) Night Diaper Wearing: Getting used to wearing a diaper at night (Was quick for me, maybe a week or so. For others it might be trickier, esp. if they have a partner who isn't aware!)

2) Night Diaper Wetting: Learning to comfortably urinate from any sleeping position with no effort (For non-bedwetters and non 24/7, being totally at ease with letting go from any position in bed can be a big mental barrier)

3) Travels and overall acceptance: Simply, this is the mental acceptance that you’ll need diapers every night. Staying over at a friend’s place. Vacationing with family. Big business trips. Getting to the point that you accept and are willing to have this shape your life.

4) Wet Sheet Concerns: Many are inclined to not want to sleep in wet sheets. At the core it can create some hesitation to wet- almost if the mind is processing whether or not it’s “safe” to wet- Conscious or subconscious processing like “Am I wearing a diaper? Is the diaper already too wet to hold more? Am I in a safe place to wet the bed? Will I wet my sheets by mistake?” This is mental, and may create some barrier to wetting freedom 

5)    Multiple wettings (largely related to above) meaning whether or not you wet each time you awaken or do it just the first time. It’s just another facet of 4 above. Most of my wettings are early in sleep (before 2 AM) and I don’t tend to wet if I already have earlier (awake or not the first time) As mentioned above, it’s probably a barrier. A slightly awake measure of whether or not you’ll make the sheets wet when you wet.

6)    Sharing with professionals: Whether or not you’ve disclosed your bedwetting to professionals. For me, yes to massage therapist (I wear 24/7) and to counselors / psychologists (Even shared my initial goal 5 years ago!) and maybe incidental to a dermatologist (think she may have seen it briefly) However, not yet to Primary Care Physician nor have I seen specialists on the matter (no urology, sleep meds etc) Gastro (upcoming colonoscopy) is up in the air but thinking I'll share I am more comfortable wearing (post matriculation dribble is real and I do have occasional sleep accidents)

7)  Community: Thanks to longislandguy for adding this. Certainly community like these forums, virtual worlds and other online interactions allow us to share and process our journey more. To his point though, meeting AB/DL in real life does make a difference. I've only done so a couple of times (when out of town) but the idea of community becomes more real when you see everyone in a coffee shop. We are a community and fully knowing there are others can help us figure this all out!

8 )  Close contacts and family: Thanks to WBxx for chiming in. Many of us don't share with close contacts and family. Personally, I think in terms of "need to know" in that my spouse knows and accepts (but doesn't RP with it, which is fine) but that's a big step. Not sure how one fully trains to bedwet without some interaction w spouse / partner. On "Need to know", I see absolutely no reason for personal friends need to know this about me. They don't benefit from knowing. Ditto for extended family, children etc. Would say, going 24/7 does get hard to hide. There are times when others that didn't need to know saw my diaper (unfortunately, would rather they hadn't!) but I answered their questions and moved on.

9) Acceptance of all outcomes: Just a tip from a therapist 5-6 years ago, which was simply to be OK whether you wet or not. Idea being that if we categorize as "successful or unsuccessful" every night it adds pressure and brings us away from the goal. She said to simply take a moment to enjoy the feeling when it happens, but don't berate yourself on nights it doesn't. I now spend less mental energy trying to make it happen before bed and simply brief up knowing I may have an accident. When it happens, great! If it doesn't, I simply get along with my day and look forward to seeing what the next evening holds (or if I don't hold  :>)

1. Getting used to wearing a nappy and plastic pants at night was so easy for me. It just felt natural some how.

2.Wetting in any position, again no problem at all.

3. Travel just takes a little planning.Always having the right stuff with you. All my close friends and family know I wet the bed and I always bring my own protection with me. My best friends wife always puts a waterproof cover on the spare bed when I stay over.

4. At home I don't worry about wet sheets

5. I try to get up to pee if away from home but at home once in bed I stay in bed 

6. My doctor, diabetic nurse and continence nurse know I am a bedwetter

7. I like discussing my bedwetting on sites like this

8. All  my close friends and family know I am a bedwetter

9. What will be will be.

 

[Wet Knight]

This has been a very interesting read, thank you dimolicares.  It has brought to mind a sort of friend from many years ago.

Back in the late 80's, I met a mid 50's guy who up to then had been half wanting to become a bedwetter for years, but was afraid that he wouldn't be able to cope with it.

It was long before the internet, so communication was letters, no phone because he was on a "Party Line", and the occasional meeting. and it became obvious to me, that he needed to be made to live as an incontinent, to make up his mind.

After some careful planning on my part and having told him what I intended to do, one New Year's eve we went out in nappies where I got him very drunk and with difficulty, got him home to bed.

I had remained sober enough to catheterize him and strap on 'belly bag' that I had sabotaged with pin-pricks on the underside, before getting him into an Attends that of course was easily flooded before morning by the leaking belly bag.

I was quite surprised that he stuck it for a week, but even more surprised when that autumn, he told me that he had tried it again 3 months earlier, and was managing.

I think it was two, but might have been three years later, that he wrote and told me how strange it felt to need to pee in the day, and how essential his nappy still was because it was so easy to know that it was ok if he let it flow, but also, that almost every morning, he woke with a wet bed.