Partner with incontinence and how you feel

[Constantlywet]

Quick bit of background. . . So, 7 years ago, I was kinda forced into following my dreams by a strong woman who helped achieve my urinary incontinence and nappy dependence.  I am now totally nappy dependant and wouldn't have it any other way. 

Since then, that woman and I have now parted company. After a couple of years out,  I am now seeing another woman, and it's going really well. We met at hospital at the incontinence clinic ironically, and it blossomed from there.  She knows i wear nappies and plasic pants and is very supportive, but she is unaware i am a dl and have an incontinent fetish.  She is slim, attractive, and pretty successful but is totally urinary incontinent and has very little bowel control.  She will mess in her sleep fairly regularly, less regularly during the day, but it does happen.

She, too, wears nappies and plastic pants to manage her incontinence in various different thicknesses.  Although always opting for extended wear or good absorbency where possible.  she will sometimes wear fairly tight jeans with thinner nappies compared to at home where she wears thick nappies and a booster in her joggers or pjs or if we go walking she will wear a thick nappy and dress to hide it.   You couldn't tell that she wears nappies and plastic pants if you met her in the pub or the street. But at home she is really obvious and bulky.  She has been incontinent most of her life and is totally adjusted to wearing nappies and is no stranger to all the trials and tribulations that come with being incontinent and in nappies. 

However, there is 1 thing that she is totally clueless about.  She wipes when she changes and has regular showers/baths and keeps everything shaved down there as i do myself, but to put it bluntly, She smells. . . .

I can only presume that over the years, she has become nose blind to her own odour. The incontinence odour she has comes in various different degrees or strength for want of a better word. Obviously, when she has had a bm, at that moment, it's at its worst . At night she will sleep fairly heavy, sleeping messy for hours and not realising till she wakes up but during the day if she does have 1, she will clean up almost immediately or as soon as she can get to a suitable space to do so.  However, she will sometimes, but not all the time have a faint whiff about her after she has changed. (I can only presume this it through maybe missing some of the mess with the wipes while changing, or it's been a particularly messy nappy). 

As for the pee smell? Well, at the start of the day, she rarely smells of pee as she is showered and in a clean nappy but by the end of the day, she has an aroma of pee about her and i find it so hot.   Her vagina stinks of pee constantly, even despite when she has just washed it.  When she opens up her nappy to change or when we have sex, the smell of her slightly stale pee fills the room, but she is totally oblivious to it. When we have sex, her pee smell and her leaks and gushes are such a turn-on for me, like massively.  I love her incontinence and her incontinent odour, but sometimes i feel bad for not saying anything to her because i enjoy it so much. I love catching a whiff of her when she is starting to smell or needs a change but i think if she knew she was smelly, she would be mortified.   I wonder if the people she works with smell her and are too polite to say anything. Some of her close, close friends know she wears nappies but not everyone, and I'm pretty sure they must be able to smell her sometimes, but they clearly dont say anything either.

Her incontinence turns me on nore than my own. I love everything about it. Seeing her bulk, hearing her crinkle , and smelling her incontinence is just so dam hot. 

So my questions are:- should i let her know when she is smelly?.  And, if you have incontinence desires, does it stop with how you are yourself or does the incontinence of your partner (or anyone else for that matter) flick your switch as much as your own incontinence does?. . . . 

I look forward to hearing your thoughts

[TinyBunny]

I think that the problem is that even if you're really gentle when you talk, it can be upsetting for people to realise that they've been doing something wrong for a long time, and I'm sure she'll be upset if she thinks that she's let you down in some way.
But maybe she's not that kind of person; you're the one on the front line so you'll have to judge for yourself.

[stevewet]

Honestly I wouldn't mention it. If it turns you on why upset the apple cart.

[spark]

I'm going to go a different way than what has been suggested.  First of all, if you don't say anything, who will?  Based on what you've said, it's not hidden.  Her friends know, and they may know that she is incontinent, but it's more delicate for them than for you.

That doesn't mean you come out bluntly, but maybe you can say, "Honey, do you know that I can smell you?"  Something that gently says, you have an odor

[oznl]

Pee smells when a used nappy is opened I’d regard as par for the course and of little practical consequence.  It just goes with the territory and I'd disregard it.  I've no doubt my crotch smells of pee these days.

Pee smells when just wearing a wet nappy I’d regard as abnormal and symptomatic of leaks, hygiene or laundry shortfalls.  My partner cannot tell when I am wet (and having been 24/7 for years, I’m usually wet).

Poop is different.  I don’t care what anybody says.  I can detect it a mile off.  There are various techniques and tools to mitigate it but I’m not sure it gets much past mitigation.  Although I’m #2 continent, that continence is degraded somewhat and there HAVE been accidents.  I know that any time spent messy can result in my skin somehow absorbing odour so I can see the risk.

Olfactory habituation (the technical term for nose-blindness) IS a thing.  I fully expect she’d be unaware of it.

It’s highly likely she’d be mortified if she knew BUT if she’s like me, she’d sure WANT to know so that she could do something about it.  If it were me, I’d be looking out for her and thusly head off into the danger-zone of trying to tell her.

My take would to be pretty subtle about it and probably understate the problem but gently persist with supporting countermeasures to the correct extent.  Something along the lines @spark has suggested resonated with me: “Hey honey, I know you’ve just changed but I think there’s a problem…  How weird is that?”.  Pointing out that she’s smelled like a toddler since day 0 is probably only going to exacerbate her stress to no real end.

I think the issue of your full disclosure on your backstory and proclivities is an unrelated issue and a separate discussion.  I guess in your favour there, you’ve achieved an incontinence diagnosis and so to some extent, it is what it is although there is a burden of cumulative deception building.

As a side note, I couldn't help wondering what you were doing at an incontinence clinic since your state was intentionally acquired and presumably you've no wish to resolve it? 

[babykeiff]

@Constantlywet

as @oznl stated, olfactary habitation or nose blindness does occur. It is not unusual for your partner, you, and most diaper dependent people to be unaware of their own body odours. This is where attention to detail in relation to cleaning oneself after diaper changes is required. When one is taking care of a baby, this attention to detail is given. This is where the babies career is aware of the babies odours and will do everything to keep the baby clean. 

@Constantlywet is aware of his partners odours as is, usually, his partner is aware of his. As this is a partnership, both should be able to communicate this in a way not to offend each other. This is not for selfish reasons, as Constantlywet has already stated that these smells somewhat arouse him. It is more of a way so not to embarrass your partner while in public, so contrary to what some have stated, if you care about your partner and they are unaware of doing or omitting something that, in your opinion, might embarrass them, it is up to you to help them in any way you can.

Some solutions to this type of smell is using something like Nullo or similar internal deodorant. Since you are both attending the incontinence clinic, maybe someone there can suggest a way to reduce / eliminate these smells. From my own perspective, I take activated charcoal tablets plus I shower the area after each messy diaper. You never mentioned whether you both use cloth or disposable diapers as incorrectly washed cloth diapers tend to hold onto smells - which reactivate after first wetting. Disposables are usually better in reducing these types of smells. It is not a good idea to try and mask smells i.e. baby powder / perfume etc., but better to reduce and/or remove same.  

[nappyboymids]

Perhaps you could try tackling it in a round-about way, e.g. asking your partner if she has noticed a smell and saying that you're worried that it's your nappy.  That might start off a discussion in a less awkward way.  (And, of course, it's just possible that you too are nose blind and don't notice your own nappy odour ...)

[I_am_Groot]

Yea like bobbyc ive asked that myself... did i get nose-blind? can others smell me before i do?
So if i would be your partner i would want to know.

[Shotgun Diplomat]

Yeah, this is a very sensitive topic that needs to be handled with care and tact. Personally I feel that you should tell her, but be very very gentle about it. I am not exactly sure that you should say, that is entirely situationally dependant. All I can say is that I know that if I had a lingering odour after changing, I would want to know. 

[igel]

I can't get this topic out of my head, so I have to ask. You mentioned odor isn't a problem in the morning when she's heading for work. You also mentioned that she is dressed in a different style at home and in much thicker diapers than at work. So question is, does she smell at work at all. Do you smell her when she walks into your home, coming from work? Or is it just that her changing frequency is low at home and she is lazy or of old habit doesn't care at home.   

[cathdiap]

She is pretty succesful in life and you like smelling her, so why mention anything? Maybe you are overly focussed on her incontinence and smell odours that most people don't? Or maybe others like her odours just as much as you do? ?

 

[babykeiff]

13 hours ago, cathdiap said:

...you like smelling her, so why mention anything?...

 

@cathdiap

do you not think that would be selfish? @Constantlywet has mentioned that he notices both her smell of pee and poop after she thinks that she has done a good job in cleaning herself.

Within this community, if at home and in private and you or your partner etc is smelling of pee / poop, normally that is OK and acceptable HOWEVER, when outside in public, it is not acceptable to bring any part of this to public. Common decency dictates that one does not expose a baby with a messy diaper on another, and it is the parent etc. that ensures that this does not happen (most of the time). Why would one wish to do this with adult smells? ABDL is ADULT baby diaper lover. There is a part that seems to be ignored - ADULT. A baby does not know any better, and as such, an adult attempts to protect the baby from itself.

I'm confident that if you went out in a messy diaper, or stinking of poop, you would end up in somewhere like Sonnenvanck or similar mental institution - so why advise another member here not to help his partner?

 

[cathdiap]

5 hours ago, babykeiff said:

@cathdiap

do you not think that would be selfish? @Constantlywet has mentioned that he notices both her smell of pee and poop after she thinks that she has done a good job in cleaning herself.

Within this community, if at home and in private and you or your partner etc is smelling of pee / poop, normally that is OK and acceptable HOWEVER, when outside in public, it is not acceptable to bring any part of this to public. Common decency dictates that one does not expose a baby with a messy diaper on another, and it is the parent etc. that ensures that this does not happen (most of the time). Why would one wish to do this with adult smells? ABDL is ADULT baby diaper lover. There is a part that seems to be ignored - ADULT. A baby does not know any better, and as such, an adult attempts to protect the baby from itself.

I'm confident that if you went out in a messy diaper, or stinking of poop, you would end up in somewhere like Sonnenvanck or similar mental institution - so why advise another member here not to help his partner?

 

TS wrote that she is quite successful in life so that made me think that those around her don't notice anything wrong with her. And if she only smells a little bit like poop, she won't immediately end up in some kind of institution. The only thing that could happen is that people would start to distance themselves from her and I'm pretty sure the woman would notice that very quickly.

[babykeiff]

5 hours ago, cathdiap said:

TS wrote that she is quite successful in life so that made me think that those around her don't notice anything wrong with her. And if she only smells a little bit like poop, she won't immediately end up in some kind of institution. The only thing that could happen is that people would start to distance themselves from her and I'm pretty sure the woman would notice that very quickly.

 

On 2/15/2023 at 12:46 PM, Constantlywet said:

I wonder if the people she works with smell her and are too polite to say anything. Some of her close, close friends know she wears nappies but not everyone, and I'm pretty sure they must be able to smell her sometimes, but they clearly dont say anything either.

People that know her and work with her are aware of her diaper dependance* and are too polite / presume that she is aware of the smell and will address it / do not know how to broach the subject. Her partner is trying to address this by asking here. It is a valid concern, and this site maybe is one that is open enough to be able to discuss it without embarrassing either @Constantlywet or his partner.

Selfishness is acting for self and not in consideration for others. You suggested that...

On 3/1/2023 at 11:37 AM, cathdiap said:

you like smelling her, so why mention anything

... which is telling @Constantlywet to act for himself and not in consideration for his partner / others.

Something that you are dismissing is that olfactory fatigue is not stationary and will increase. As a result, since it has been identified that his partner may nose-blind to small issues of aroma, larger issues of same will occur where she will be nose-blind to that... so that smells a little bit like poop will get slowly larger and larger. The subtle changes of people around her she will not notice until a stranger one day shouts out that she stinks like shit. In your expert opinion, would it easier to deal with now, where it is not a big issue OR when its goes viral and habits are ingrained and most of even her friends and workmates have distanced themselves from her? I doubt, at that time, she will be so successful.

*Despite what we wish to believe, most of the people that we deal with on a daily basis is aware of our diaper dependance due to little key signs that have occured over years. These people respect us enough so not to broack any subject that might cause us embarrasment. In reality, they admire us in a way since they are aware that we have some undisclossed bladder / bowel issue and we, by wearing diapers, are dealing with that issue in a mature adult way.

 

[cathdiap]

@babykeiff The woman is an adult, not a baby to take care of. She will have to find out for herself whether other people are bothered by her smell. If other people respect her for handling her incontinence the best she can, and are therefore willing to put up with unpleasant odors, that's fine too. There is always a risk of making her very insecure about her incontinence if you start complaining about her smell when she doesn't even smell it herself. How will she ever know when she's clean enough?
 

And if her smell really bothered me, I'd ask myself why I decided to live with her in the first place. But as TS wrote, it doesn't bother him, he likes it. Good for him and good for her. What are the chances that you will find a man who loves you even more because you are incontinent?

[Nat]

You can always tell her, "honey, your diaper smells, you may want to change" and leave it at that. Same as if you are about to go somewhere or she is about to go somewhere and if she reeks of urine or poo, tell her. She may not want to smell that way out in public nor around her friends and neighbors so it's good to let her know then before she puts herself in that situation. 

[babykeiff]

On 3/2/2023 at 1:33 PM, cathdiap said:

@babykeiff The woman is an adult, not a baby to take care of. She will have to find out for herself whether other people are bothered by her smell. If other people respect her for handling her incontinence the best she can, and are therefore willing to put up with unpleasant odors, that's fine too. There is always a risk of making her very insecure about her incontinence if you start complaining about her smell when she doesn't even smell it herself. How will she ever know when she's clean enough?
 

And if her smell really bothered me, I'd ask myself why I decided to live with her in the first place. But as TS wrote, it doesn't bother him, he likes it. Good for him and good for her. What are the chances that you will find a man who loves you even more because you are incontinent?

You are correct in that the women in question is an adult and not a baby, but that still does not dismiss the fact that she is becomming olfactory fatigued to her own smells. It also does not dismiss that the olfactory fatigue will become worse over time, as will the smell.

She has an advantage in that she is in partnership with an ABDL who is concerned not only with her current smells, but with what will happen in the future if it is not addressed. Yes, you are correct in that it is rare that she has a partner who likes her because she is incontinent. I doubt if that is the only reason @Constantlywet likes her - he hasn't made a finite list, and maybe like the rest of us in the world, that list constantly changes.

He asked on this site, should he discuss this with his partner, and most people say yes, for both their benifits. You have disagreed for what I see as purely selfish reasons. As a result, if he follows your advice, and only acts for his own needs, he will eventually be on his own - which is correct IF he only acts for his own selfish reasons. History has proven that the selfish greedy people are destined to be alone - as no-one want to be around them. At that stage, both will be in the situation that suits your thinking - alone and not with a partner that like them, and both their incontinece being an issue when looking for another. That is not only selfish, but also the typical actions of an infant - where the infant, for self survival will kill the host, its mother, in the womb in order to survive.

This is what you are suggesting to @Constantlywet, for his own pleasure, lie by ommission, to the person he loves/cares for so he can be happy today - near future. 

[cathdiap]

@babykeiffWhat you call selfish I would call trusting her discernment and ability to decide what is best for her. What you call lying I would call not making her insecure for no reason as she proved herself that she is perfectly capable of managing her incontinence.

TS asked us what we think he should do. I say leave it as is, you and others say, help her to improve managing her incontinence. Let's just say we agree to disagree.

[babykeiff]

45 minutes ago, cathdiap said:

@babykeiffWhat you call selfish I would call trusting her discernment and ability to decide what is best for her. What you call lying I would call not making her insecure for no reason as she proved herself that she is perfectly capable of managing her incontinence.

TS asked us what we think he should do. I say leave it as is, you and others say, help her to improve managing her incontinence. Let's just say we agree to disagree.

I would agree that we agree to disagree.

[PlstkBakdnghtnday]

I think you were lucky to have found this woman. Even if you alert her to the fact that she does have an odor, what can she really do about it?