'Incontin-ish'

[OAB-Need2Pee]

Well, here goes. I haven’t posted on here very much and this is something I’ve been thinking about for many years. I’m hoping I can put this concept to words accurately with the goal of maybe resonating with other folks who have had similar experiences.

I have never had the best relationship with my bladder. I have consistently suffered the symptoms of an overactive bladder with occasional incontinence (day and night). Over the years, I have tried to manage this with a variety of tactics including; managing fluids, limiting bladder irritants, respecting a regular bathroom routine, and a variety of absorbent products (pull-ups / diapers) for when management isn’t possible / practical.

For almost 30 years, I have made use of pull-ups / diapers for coping with my overactive bladder situation. I use them during the day for any activity that might require long range bladder control and I wear them to bed because I’ve never managed to become reliably dry at night. However, this puts me in this strange grey area where if I really work at it, I can manage in underwear at times, but there are also times where management is impossible / impractical. It is this grey area that I wish to address in this post.

Living between continence and incontinence has been difficult because I don’t fit neatly into one side or the other. Sure, I can get to the store and back in underwear, but if I make an extra stop on the way, I’m in big trouble and might not make it. I would like to propose the term ‘incontin-ish’ to characterize my situation and I would like to know if other people have similar experiences.

I have struggled in my past feeling deeply stigmatized by my inability to cope in long range bladder situations, with my overnight issues, and having to wear pull-ups / diapers at times when I would really rather not. I know it has impacted my social life in a negative way (but I’m working on that), and there is no doubt it has impacted my mental health (and I’m working on that too).

All that said, I think the most difficult part of being ‘incontin-ish’ is the idea that, “If I just tried harder, I could be dryer”, or that somehow when I wear diapers, I’m ‘giving up’ in some way. But, if I am wearing underwear, I spend a lot of my energy wondering if I need to pee, where the next bathroom is, can I make it to the bathroom, what if I don’t make it to the bathroom, what is my fluid intake for the day . . ..  and on and on and on. This loop that plays constantly in my head is not productive, so I sometimes wear a diaper just to enjoy life in a normal way and not live in the constant “Am I going to have an accident” loop.

I’m interested in hearing from other people out there who have experiences between continence and incontinence. How did you handle it in your past? How do you manage it now? Has it impacted your mental health? What have been your struggles, or conversely, what have been your own personal triumphs?

[TinyBunny]

I always wear at least a pullup when going out and arguably that is not enough.

 

If it were me I would just give up trying to strengthen my bladder and use diapers.  And if friends realise I'm wearing diapers and terminate our friendship then that is their loss.

 

A lot of us have worn regular underwear out in public and had the same anxiety that you described.  It's horrible.

 

Does your doctor know about these problems?  Because if you have genuinely tried your best to strengthen your bladder on your own and if surgical intervention is not possible then it seems to me that there would be nothing to feel guilty about.

 

If you claimed to be incontinent you wouldn't really be distorting the truth very much.

So no need to feel guilty for bending the truth either.

[Little Belle]

Hello @OAB-Need2Pee and good to 'meet' you. I hear you and understand exactly the crossroads you find yourself at. I was there just over a year ago when I made the decision to go 24/7 and to be honest, it's been a really good decision for me.

Like you, I've battled with being incontin-ish for about 25 years and it is only now that I can see how life limiting it had become as it was a slow decline after childbirth and then 2 seperate injuries which meant i was basically visiting the toilet about every 30-60 minutes or so. It is surprising just how well we learn to accommodate health issues and inconveniences when they sneak up on us. I planned every journey and outing around where I would find a loo and wasted hours in toilet queues on days out and during theatre intervals! 

Coping with leaks and floods with pull ups and pads is just a nightmare but I hesitated to 'lock' myself into taped nappies as although they were able to handle my unreliable bladder properly, I was also unable to use the toilet whilst in them. The result is that you feel like 75% of your wettings in the nappy are 'deliberate' as they're the ones you do when you are near a toilet or at home or whatever. You're also almost forcing further incontinence than you already have because you're having to learn to use the nappy during the 75% - such as peeing whilst sitting or lying down etc. - as these were never situations when i would have previously been incontinent. But it was necessary for me to give up that 75% of continence in order to cope with the 25% of wettings which happened uncontrollably and had started to control my life. 

I just decided one day that I was only postponing the inevitable. My continence nurse was telling me to do more and more kegal exercises but they were becoming more and more ineffective. I've never understood why the medics don't seem to see nappies as an acceptable way to manage incontinence. 

I knew that the days when I wore nappies were the days when I felt calmer and, like you, able to cope with everything else in my life without obsessing about the toilet. So I decided to try going 24/7 and, if it didn't feel right after 7, 10, 30 days, I would stop and try to manage as I had before. In other words, put off wearing proper nappies again until a later date when things had got worse.

That decison to try 24/7 was over a year ago. I've probably long since passed the point of no return and think I'm probably now functionally incontinent (I haven't tested myself by not wearing a nappy for a period so I couldn't be sure) but I know I've made the right decision. Wearing nappies does come with its own inconveniences and challenges but it's by far easier than the anxious life I led before.

 

[TinyBunny]

For me the easiest position to wet was sitting at my desk at home.  I tried that with knickers after two years of being in nappies and when I had an accident I emitted quite a lot of urine before I realised what had happened.

 

I wasn't depressed by that experience, I just concluded that on my next trip to visit friends I'd have to pack nappies.

[Little Cub Pants]

3 hours ago, OAB-Need2Pee said:

Well, here goes. I haven’t posted on here very much and this is something I’ve been thinking about for many years. I’m hoping I can put this concept to words accurately with the goal of maybe resonating with other folks who have had similar experiences.

I have never had the best relationship with my bladder. I have consistently suffered the symptoms of an overactive bladder with occasional incontinence (day and night). Over the years, I have tried to manage this with a variety of tactics including; managing fluids, limiting bladder irritants, respecting a regular bathroom routine, and a variety of absorbent products (pull-ups / diapers) for when management isn’t possible / practical.

For almost 30 years, I have made use of pull-ups / diapers for coping with my overactive bladder situation. I use them during the day for any activity that might require long range bladder control and I wear them to bed because I’ve never managed to become reliably dry at night. However, this puts me in this strange grey area where if I really work at it, I can manage in underwear at times, but there are also times where management is impossible / impractical. It is this grey area that I wish to address in this post.

Living between continence and incontinence has been difficult because I don’t fit neatly into one side or the other. Sure, I can get to the store and back in underwear, but if I make an extra stop on the way, I’m in big trouble and might not make it. I would like to propose the term ‘incontin-ish’ to characterize my situation and I would like to know if other people have similar experiences.

I have struggled in my past feeling deeply stigmatized by my inability to cope in long range bladder situations, with my overnight issues, and having to wear pull-ups / diapers at times when I would really rather not. I know it has impacted my social life in a negative way (but I’m working on that), and there is no doubt it has impacted my mental health (and I’m working on that too).

All that said, I think the most difficult part of being ‘incontin-ish’ is the idea that, “If I just tried harder, I could be dryer”, or that somehow when I wear diapers, I’m ‘giving up’ in some way. But, if I am wearing underwear, I spend a lot of my energy wondering if I need to pee, where the next bathroom is, can I make it to the bathroom, what if I don’t make it to the bathroom, what is my fluid intake for the day . . ..  and on and on and on. This loop that plays constantly in my head is not productive, so I sometimes wear a diaper just to enjoy life in a normal way and not live in the constant “Am I going to have an accident” loop.

I’m interested in hearing from other people out there who have experiences between continence and incontinence. How did you handle it in your past? How do you manage it now? Has it impacted your mental health? What have been your struggles, or conversely, what have been your own personal triumphs?

Wow OAB! You NEVER comment on the forums. I was so shocked reading your post that I had to read it twice to make sure it was you. LOL!???? Big hugs!?♥️ I missed you so much!♥️??♥️?♥️?

[WetDad]

I spent years battling with pads, pullups and everything but diapers. Once I finally accepted diapers as a viable option life got so much better.

[rusty pins]

Hey my friend!  Sometimes as much as we may want to be totally continent (which I am by the way) it depends on the condition of our bodies.  Same is true with anyone who may walk with a limp, for example, might wish to run in a marathon.  We can do our best and try things to improve our bladder control.  For some people they may work but for others they may have little effect as dictated by their body.  Perfect example is a person who has become incontinent for whatever reason, old age, medical condition, whatever.  Many would do anything to have continence back, but their body just won't let that happen.  I wish I could make things better for you OAB, but I will say cherish what control you do have and enjoy the times you are able to wear regular underpants, if even for a short time.  Don't lament too much the times where you just have to wear protection as it happens to a lot of people over time. Hard to accept that but people all over have to deal with the cards they are dealt.  Wish I had happier views for you.

[hbic60]

 

Hello @OAB-Need2Pee, I fully can understand your thoughts and see some similarity to my path - so maybe I can encourage you a little bit accepting and handling your IC!

I have a combined dribble and urge incontinence since around 8 months.

So, dribbling, which does not happen every day, I cannot feel and control at all, but the urge of course I feel coming. In the beginning of my IC I tried to use the toilet as much as possible when I felt the urge to go and let it flow only in my Tena Pants if I knew I couldn't reach one.

The first step in the path to "why not simply accept..." was in the night. I first used some Tena Pants for my IC, also in the night. As from bad childhood memories I was really scared of wetting the bed, so I nearly didn't come into deep sleep and woke up with the slightest urge to pee - went to the toilet (sometimes not right in time before the flow started) and back into bed needing sometimes more that half an hour to get back to sleep - and this several times in the night. 
So, after a week I realized that I can't continue in this way without getting crazy with the lack of sleep and decided to give "real" diapers a try. First point was - I drove quick into deep sleep as I knew that the diaper has much higher capacity that pants and leaking his not such a big issue so my bed should stay dry. In the first two nights I also tried to reach the toilet as I woke up with the urge, but getting up. fiddling carefully with the tapes to be able to refasten them afterwards, led to the fact that most of my pee went already into the diaper instead of the toilet. So I decided as second step - if anyway my pee gets into the diaper, why to get up at all if the urge comes? So I got used to simply roll on the back when the urge comes and let it flow, and getting back to sleep within shortest time. This increased the quality of my sleep dramatically, so I accepted using fully my diapers (usually Tena Proskin Slip Maxi) in the night is far the best way of handling my issues.

During the day I switched from Tena Pants over to Attends Flex type diapers. They have a much, much better capacity, are cheaper, are easy to open and refastening, also changing is much easier than with pants but are still discreet enough that nobody can see. So, generally I'm able (and still often do) to use the toilet, especially for #2 I always do. But, on the other hand, I must state that over the time I get more and more relaxed using sometimes my diaper even if theoretically I could reach a toilet. Sometimes it feels simply convenient to continue what I'm doing in the moment when the urge comes. On the other hand, being incontinent often is a burden; you have to keep an eye on your supplies and spend the money for it, have to plan when and where to change, handle the garbage, paying attention to be discreet - so why not sometimes enjoy the advantage of being in a diaper? I feel meanwhile absolutely no shame doing this!

The point is that in the beginning of my IC I was more concentrated of handling my (in)continence but not living my life as I did before of it. It was a process of self-acceptance (and here my wife of over 30 years was a really great help by accepting and loving me fully, no matter if now diapered or not) until I was fine with the fact that diapers are a big help living my life as active and normal as I did before all of this!

[Greg03]

I was in exactly the same situation a few years ago. I could stay dry during the day if I really, really had to but it was so stressful and required so much organisation. I’d always needed a diaper at night and when I started using them during the day for times when staying dry was going to be tough, I realised how much happier and relaxed I was. Of course, over time I’ve become diaper dependent and have no control now but I’m much happier and relaxed. 
 

my advice would be to take a practical approach, but don’t underestimate the importance of having the peace of mind of “just in case” protection

[OAB-Need2Pee]

I want to thank everyone who has so kindly shared their experiences with me on this post. It is very comforting to know that other folks have similar experiences and that the choices I am making, others have made too. Thank you all for your support  

[Little Cub Pants]

4 hours ago, OAB-Need2Pee said:

I want to thank everyone who has so kindly shared their experiences with me on this post. It very comforting to know that other folks have similar experiences and that the choices I am making, others have made too. Thank you all for your support  

You're welcome!?♥️????

[NightWitch]

“Incontin-ish” is perfect to describe my current level ? I can go without pull-ups for a short time but feel nervous without them. I can still make it to the bathroom on time if I choose to. But sometimes it’s easier to just wet myself. I only go without if I know I’m going to have easy access to a bathroom. It’s hard walking that line where you just don’t feel like you fit in either category. Hang in there ?

[wetmessycrinkly]

I totally feel like "incontin-ish" is right for me too! I only just recently began wearing 24/7 (hasn't even been close to 7) because of my issues. I feel like most of the time I can make it to the bathroom just fine, but there's never a guarantee. Even when accidents don't happen, I'm constantly anxious about them. I'm nervous about the social aspect of 24/7 wear, but accident anxiety and actual accidents are worse. I'm trying my best to worry less about handling the bathroom like everyone else and worry more about allowing myself to be comfortable and confident.

[wetmonkey]

I am with you on this good friend 🙂

I also have had increasing lack of control over the years and while it has been gradual it is very real and the need for "real" protection has increased for both night and day. I have to plan ahead now depending on the work that I am doing and if I have quick access to a bathroom and proper breaks to get there immediately.

I am finding it way less stressful to wear diapers at night to sleep better and not wake up in a panic that I might pee my bed, my pj's or myself on the way to the bathroom. I have noticed I am much better rested in the past few months that I've worn every single night to bed.

In the day I am still able to survive with a thinner, brief style diaper but that may soon change as the occasional accident has become the daily accident.

Thank you for your words and sharing your experience, it's so important we share our experiences here and realize we are not alone in the least.

[TAJ]

I understand how you feel! If you don't want to wear diapers or pull ups, maybe you can try washable leak proof underwear? I think these washable items will be more discreet and these are more suitable for daytime use.

[babykeiff]

On 1/2/2023 at 1:39 PM, OAB-Need2Pee said:

Well, here goes. I haven’t posted on here very much and this is something I’ve been thinking about for many years. I’m hoping I can put this concept to words accurately with the goal of maybe resonating with other folks who have had similar experiences.

I have never had the best relationship with my bladder. I have consistently suffered the symptoms of an overactive bladder with occasional incontinence (day and night). Over the years, I have tried to manage this with a variety of tactics including; managing fluids, limiting bladder irritants, respecting a regular bathroom routine, and a variety of absorbent products (pull-ups / diapers) for when management isn’t possible / practical.

For almost 30 years, I have made use of pull-ups / diapers for coping with my overactive bladder situation. I use them during the day for any activity that might require long range bladder control and I wear them to bed because I’ve never managed to become reliably dry at night. However, this puts me in this strange grey area where if I really work at it, I can manage in underwear at times, but there are also times where management is impossible / impractical. It is this grey area that I wish to address in this post.

Living between continence and incontinence has been difficult because I don’t fit neatly into one side or the other. Sure, I can get to the store and back in underwear, but if I make an extra stop on the way, I’m in big trouble and might not make it. I would like to propose the term ‘incontin-ish’ to characterize my situation and I would like to know if other people have similar experiences.

I have struggled in my past feeling deeply stigmatized by my inability to cope in long range bladder situations, with my overnight issues, and having to wear pull-ups / diapers at times when I would really rather not. I know it has impacted my social life in a negative way (but I’m working on that), and there is no doubt it has impacted my mental health (and I’m working on that too).

All that said, I think the most difficult part of being ‘incontin-ish’ is the idea that, “If I just tried harder, I could be dryer”, or that somehow when I wear diapers, I’m ‘giving up’ in some way. But, if I am wearing underwear, I spend a lot of my energy wondering if I need to pee, where the next bathroom is, can I make it to the bathroom, what if I don’t make it to the bathroom, what is my fluid intake for the day . . ..  and on and on and on. This loop that plays constantly in my head is not productive, so I sometimes wear a diaper just to enjoy life in a normal way and not live in the constant “Am I going to have an accident” loop.

I’m interested in hearing from other people out there who have experiences between continence and incontinence. How did you handle it in your past? How do you manage it now? Has it impacted your mental health? What have been your struggles, or conversely, what have been your own personal triumphs?

Similar to most here, I went through years of lying to myself and trying to convince myself that I could manage without wearing diapers etc. Yes, I did refer to myself as incontinent-ish OR only an ocassional bed wetter who was wetting, and at times, messing myself in bed nightly and having the occasional day time (every day) accident where I would give the excuse to myself that that 'accident' only occured cause I that bathroom etc was locked / in use etc.

It took me, one day where I was standing naked except for an coat, looking at a pile of dirty and wet clothes where I didn't have one item of clothing that was not peed on / pooped on to realise that I needed to never be in that situation ever again. I needed to go to a laundry, where I knew, at that time at night, the bathroom next door would be inaccessable. As a result, I put on a night diaper and a coat, and went to the laundry to spend the next few hours washing and drying clothes.

The acceptance of self of needing diapers 24/7 removed the stresses of constantly looking for a bathroom or worrying that if I didn't find one, I would end up in wet and/or messy pants and have to make the walk of shame etc to get to a place where I could clean up. The relief of the first time I messed my diapers in public and there was no rush to hide this and/or associated embarrasement of trying to hide the associated wet/messy path on clothes etc was beyond understanding. It was almost euphoric.

Diapers, and accepting my need means that I can live my life on my schedule, and not on the schedule of my weak bladder/bowels. Yes, there are some added requirements of always having a diaper change and the added bulk of wearing 24/7 etc., which at this stage I really don't notice / accept the bulk etc., but my levels of stress and worry has dropped to almost nothing... and today I laugh at myself and how stupid I was in attempting to convince myself that I was incontinent-ish and could manage in underwear!

The amount of stress I causes to myself just to attempt to conform to someone elses concept that diapers are only for babies etc and for me to wear them 24/7 is admitting that I have failed to pass from babyhood to adulthood. Today, that person / people that claim that 'diapers are only for babies etc' I know do not matter to me and are foolish. It is like claiming that a person wearing a raincoat is a fool, until it starts raining and that person is now prepared / smart while those who called him/her a fool is getting drenched in the rain!

Quotes:

• Thales:- Know thyself
• amat victoria curam or, in english, Victory likes careful preparation
• The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Often misattributed to Albert Einstien 

 

[stevewet]

On 1/9/2023 at 2:36 PM, Greg03 said:

I was in exactly the same situation a few years ago. I could stay dry during the day if I really, really had to but it was so stressful and required so much organisation. I’d always needed a diaper at night and when I started using them during the day for times when staying dry was going to be tough, I realised how much happier and relaxed I was. Of course, over time I’ve become diaper dependent and have no control now but I’m much happier and relaxed. 
 

my advice would be to take a practical approach, but don’t underestimate the importance of having the peace of mind of “just in case” protection

So true. Life is just easier in nappies.

[FLAUG19]

I feel like this describes me well. There are times where I just leak a little and others more as well as OAB. Sometimes when I wake up to go to the restroom I have an accident. I go between pads and pull-ups. I feel most comfortable in pull-ups during the day and cloth training pants at night. 

[PlstkBakdnghtnday]

On 4/26/2023 at 7:36 AM, babykeiff said:

Similar to most here, I went through years of lying to myself and trying to convince myself that I could manage without wearing diapers etc. Yes, I did refer to myself as incontinent-ish OR only an ocassional bed wetter who was wetting, and at times, messing myself in bed nightly and having the occasional day time (every day) accident where I would give the excuse to myself that that 'accident' only occured cause I that bathroom etc was locked / in use etc.

It took me, one day where I was standing naked except for an coat, looking at a pile of dirty and wet clothes where I didn't have one item of clothing that was not peed on / pooped on to realise that I needed to never be in that situation ever again. I needed to go to a laundry, where I knew, at that time at night, the bathroom next door would be inaccessable. As a result, I put on a night diaper and a coat, and went to the laundry to spend the next few hours washing and drying clothes.

The acceptance of self of needing diapers 24/7 removed the stresses of constantly looking for a bathroom or worrying that if I didn't find one, I would end up in wet and/or messy pants and have to make the walk of shame etc to get to a place where I could clean up. The relief of the first time I messed my diapers in public and there was no rush to hide this and/or associated embarrasement of trying to hide the associated wet/messy path on clothes etc was beyond understanding. It was almost euphoric.

Diapers, and accepting my need means that I can live my life on my schedule, and not on the schedule of my weak bladder/bowels. Yes, there are some added requirements of always having a diaper change and the added bulk of wearing 24/7 etc., which at this stage I really don't notice / accept the bulk etc., but my levels of stress and worry has dropped to almost nothing... and today I laugh at myself and how stupid I was in attempting to convince myself that I was incontinent-ish and could manage in underwear!

The amount of stress I causes to myself just to attempt to conform to someone elses concept that diapers are only for babies etc and for me to wear them 24/7 is admitting that I have failed to pass from babyhood to adulthood. Today, that person / people that claim that 'diapers are only for babies etc' I know do not matter to me and are foolish. It is like claiming that a person wearing a raincoat is a fool, until it starts raining and that person is now prepared / smart while those who called him/her a fool is getting drenched in the rain!

Quotes:

• Thales:- Know thyself
• amat victoria curam or, in english, Victory likes careful preparation
• The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Often misattributed to Albert Einstien 

 

I don't need diapers but I like them and the convenience they offer. At first I was convinced that anyone who glanced at me could tell I was wearing one. Then I realized unless the person knows what to look for, there is almost no chance of them being able to tell. Even the crinkle sound is not as loud as you perceive it. Even other AB/DLs don't always know if you are or are not wearing. So it seems a non decision that I'm glad you reached successfully to keep from having wet and messy pants, because those are quite obvious.