I Can'T Take It Anymore

[ForbiddenFruit]

It's finally happening. I'm going to snap. Eighteen years and it's finally going to fucking go.

I'm broken, damn it. I give up. You win, world.

I'm sick of being scared of these exams, I'm sick of never being able to keep my weight down, I'm sick of watching my plans fall apart, I'm sick of this perfectionist streak making me flip my shit whenever the tiniest thing goes wrong, I'm sick of wishing I was a baby just so I wouldn't have to put up with this. I'm sick of being a hypocrite, giving advice I never follow myself.

I feel so useless. Would that I had never lived, that my condition had killed me. I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to scream so loud it ends the earth. I hate this so much. I find it so hard to get up in a morning now.

God damn it, I know I only have 3 weeks to go but I can never damn seem to see the bright side.

[pampywamp]

Time will fly in then you will wonder what al the worrying was about .Wish you well in your exams try not to let everything get you down

[LuvsGurl]

I hate to say it, but you are 18. You've got a lot of trials to face and misfortunes to suffer before things start going your way.

[redneck diaper boy]

Look! You are 18. You have your whole life ahead of you.

As for the weight thing, I can advise you take care of it while you are young. When you get older, loosing it becomes difficult.

I have lost a lot of weight but it has been hard. I wound up having weight loss surgery. I am in my 50's now.

It's finally happening. I'm going to snap. Eighteen years and it's finally going to fucking go.

I'm broken, damn it. I give up. You win, world.

I'm sick of being scared of these exams, I'm sick of never being able to keep my weight down, I'm sick of watching my plans fall apart, I'm sick of this perfectionist streak making me flip my shit whenever the tiniest thing goes wrong, I'm sick of wishing I was a baby just so I wouldn't have to put up with this. I'm sick of being a hypocrite, giving advice I never follow myself.

I feel so useless. Would that I had never lived, that my condition had killed me. I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to scream so loud it ends the earth. I hate this so much. I find it so hard to get up in a morning now.

God damn it, I know I only have 3 weeks to go but I can never damn seem to see the bright side.

[diaperpt]

I'm not sure it's advice you need. It sounds like you give yourself plenty of advice.

I don't know what condition you suffer - but if it had threatened your life, it certainly wasn't minor. I don't know how overweight you are or how serious a problem it is. I don't know how much you struggle with your exams, how well you've done in your coursework prior, or how much your expectations of yourself are unreasonable. The point is, its really really bothering you. Those are terrible feelings to have. For anyone to say to you just suck it up is pretty much oversimplifying.

I do hope you have some help to deal with these issues. I've seen you post here before so I know these are not new feelings. While I haven't experienced the depth of your feelings, I understand some of their basis and can see how your feelings have combined and deepened.

I've read your post not as a request for advice, but to scream it out. Sometimes that alone helps, but it also helps to have someone hear you. I do hear you. I wish there was something that I could do to help, Your feelings should not be diminished because of your age - you're old enough to feel and what you feel is very real to you whether anyone else in the world feels exactly the same or not. I will say that your feelings are NOT unique. Exam time IS a time of great pressure and the less prepared one is, the more pressure you feel at this time. Your feelings of pressure on exams are certainly combining with the other feelings you've describe and only add to give you more pressure.

At the risk of giving any advice, I can only say continue to reach out to people and vent, know that there are people who care about you, try to remember the times when you've felt less pressure and try to remember times when great pressures have decreased.

I'd love to tell you 'oh, don't worry. things will be better soon.' I wish I could promise that. What I can tell you is that I DO believe that no matter what you feel at any particular time, YOU, as a person, are valuable - to yourself and others. There are people out there, or at least here, who care and want to support you through times of trouble.

And to repeat what I think might be the best piece of advice I can give, is KEEP SCREAMING OUT! Vent!

Hopefully venting can lower the extremes of your feelings and allow you to do things that you CAN do.

My best hopes and wishes for you.

[Diapered Jason]

hmmmmm, try lowering your caffeine intake Forbidden Fruit if you drink it each day, because too much does not help you study anymore and only increases stress.

Also make sure you take some brakes. Once in awhile during my studies, I would go for a nice walk alone to help relieve the hydrostatic pressure on my head. It really helps me get my thoughts in order.

One last thing, it does not matter if you are an AB, you would still have these feelings of stress.

[curiositykilledthecat]

Do what american college kids do, take ritalin.(j/k) Seriously bro, just relax, they're only exams, ten years from now highschool will mean nothing.

[babykeiff]

It's finally happening. I'm going to snap. Eighteen years and it's finally going to fucking go.

I'm broken, damn it. I give up. You win, world.

I'm sick of being scared of these exams, I'm sick of never being able to keep my weight down, I'm sick of watching my plans fall apart, I'm sick of this perfectionist streak making me flip my shit whenever the tiniest thing goes wrong, I'm sick of wishing I was a baby just so I wouldn't have to put up with this. I'm sick of being a hypocrite, giving advice I never follow myself.

I feel so useless. Would that I had never lived, that my condition had killed me. I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to scream so loud it ends the earth. I hate this so much. I find it so hard to get up in a morning now.

God damn it, I know I only have 3 weeks to go but I can never damn seem to see the bright side.

If you want to talk, contact me and I will be available to talk / meet / etc. You don't need to go through this alone, and any help I can offer you are welcome to.

[sarah_ab]

To the OP,

in many ways I have been where you are in regards to just feeling like you want to give up. I have been so overwhelmed by school, and work, and just everything going on in my life that I have 'shut down' for a few days, just hid away from the world because I couldn't take it. So know you are definitely not alone in feeling this way.

Just a few months ago, I was so frustrated because I was starting a new job and was very overwhelmed with all I had to learn for that, I was also starting graduate school, and had a professor who just confused me more and more with every assignment and email interaction we had. My boyfriend was also away on business, and I was having to drive myself to work every day (I have some pretty bad driving anxiety). It got to the point where one night i just sobbed for hours and was ready to just quit school right then and there.

In regards to screaming... are you near a swimming pool? if not a bathtub. Fill it up, stick your head underneath and just SCREAM!!!!!

Seriously just scream and scream and scream. Come up for air, and scream some more.... just keep screaming until there is nothing left. And don't forget to have yourself a REALLY good cry! Crying releases many chemicals in your brain and is a great release.

But please just know you are not a lone in feeling the way you are, and many of us have been there, and look at us.. we all made it through, I KNOW you can too!

[Diapered Jason]

Just a few months ago, I was so frustrated because I was starting a new job and was very overwhelmed with all I had to learn for that, I was also starting graduate school, and had a professor who just confused me more and more with every assignment and email interaction we had.

Nice, I would kill to be in graduate school right now or at least a job, but mostly graduate school. I have tried 2 years in a row now and have not been able gain access, because the professors I wanted to work with did not have enough funding to support another graduate student. Damn this economy!!! Oh well, I am now on the look out for contingency plans at this moment. I know I'll get something eventually.

[Dougie]

First off chill out a bit. You could always join the military. School will seem like a cake walk. There are far worse things you could be facing right now. Go to any VA hospital and just walk around and look. You will see things that will change the way you look at your life.

[Rihanna]

To the OP, I can't say much more than what everyone has said. Please, please follow their advice, we care about you.

I have been through your feelings many times, and at over three times your age, I have survived.

Remember, suicide ends ones problem, but they are too arrogant or selfish to realize how it will affect friends & family, even if they leave a long note.

A close (young, still in college,) friend and I sat on the beach over several nights talking about everything under the sun....Errr Moon. He had great plans, had a Russian girlfriend from when he studied there, was planning many more adventures. Three weeks later, he bought a shotgun to go bird hunting with his dad. Two or three days later, he used it on himself with no notes or explanation. Obviously, his parents were in shock, but so was I as over the weekend on the beach he was so upbeat, I missed any signals that he was so depressed.

[ForbiddenFruit]

So...exams start tomorrow.

I feel like I can achieve my second choice, if not my first, but all the same I have some pretty high targets set, and a perfectionist streak is truly a ruthless one. Looking at the numbers I can achieve it, but sometimes I just have this huge mental block or a panic.

On the 16th the exams are over, but it won't be over for me. For the past six years, end of every school year, I've had dreams for months, nightmares, where it's the last day of school again or getting back shitty results.

This year's gonna be even worse. The nightmares about exams have already started (and in the past they've started AFTER I'm finished, not before), sometimes it's stuff like actually being in the exam hall, in others I get results with far less points than I want, or just seeing classmates' faces on other people in the dreams. The worst ones are about the laptop I've been granted to use to accomodate my shitty writing, where it overheats and switches off in the middle of the test - the real pain is that this is a possibility, because 2 days back it kept overheating and switching off, yesterday it was fine. I haven't had a dreamless sleep so far this month.

I'm gonna have the nightmares about school's end until July, throughout July and August I'll be having nightmares about results, and after that nightmares about university and 'what if' scenarios.

Fuck, the Rescue Remedy doesn't help much either. Four drops at once, that's all you can take, once every 3 hours, and it wears off far too quick.

Now I know why some people look on 'ambition' as a dirty word, all it's good for is to set someone up for disappointment.

[Diapered Jason]

Now I know why some people look on 'ambition' as a dirty word, all it's good for is to set someone up for disappointment.

That's not true!

For your laptop, I recommend getting an external cooling system. Ever since I got mine, my laptop has never over-heated.

[Marcuss]

Your lucky. Most of your problems have a defined time line. For example exams will come and go and be gone. Just think of all the problems people way worse off than you have to live with every day. With no end in site. They go on. And you will soon be free. Free to make your own way...but it will not be the end of problems thats just the way it goes.

[LilFozzyJ5]

So its july, i dont know about anyone else, but i would be interested to see how it went? was it as bad as you built it up to be? how do you feel you did?

One of the reasons I think it would be good for you to reply 'after' is that if the experience wasnt as bad as you had imagined, others that come on here who are due to do the same sort of thing 'exams' might benifit from your insight and hopefully avoid the dark road you had to walk...

[Bettypooh]

About all you can do with life is hang in there and hang on for the ride- it does get bumpy sometimes Much of life is about attitude and how you handle the bad stuff. My body is failing me physically and my mind is beginning to leave me to- I am a lot like someone half again as old as my age would indicate. I'm in a mess financially that will not end short of me winning the lottery- I'll always be broke or very near it. I have no soulmate and as weird as I am the likelihood of my finding that person is about the same as winning the lottery Essentially there's no reason for me to hang around the planet anymore- My only escape from this miserable existence is death- which is not an unwelcome thought to me But I hang on. Fate is screwy, and even as bad as it has been to me it might screw up and let me find the partner I've so long needed; it might pick my lottery numbers; it might let medicine find a way to fix my back. It might let me hit the curve-ball it pitches to me out of the park just once. My ambitions are much different than yours and I have to approach them differently because my options are almost gone, but yours are still wide open Most of the happiest people I know found their career path somewhere other than where they thought it would be, though usually in something related to where they thought they were going. Fate is like that! One friend in his 70's just got his GED- a lifelong dream- after trying and failing every test for four years. Attitude prevails once again- he wasn't goinhg to stop trying so he had to win eventually That's the outlook you need. Set your goals and pursue them, but don't set a timeline for them- just keep giving it all you've got until you get there. Fate can't deny you forever And don't let the things beyond your control worry you- just think it all through and plan for the problems that you see are possible, then go on with it. Worry does nothing good Worry is a negative- forget it and laugh at adversity, even when it hurts. Refuse to allow anything to do more than delay you- which fate is good at doing- remembering that fate can't stop the determined

Yep, attitude is everything because it is the one thing which is always in your hands alone, the one thing which nobody can remove from you, the one thing that can get you through the rough spots in life. My future is likely to get bad- far worse than I want, right to the point of losing what little I have, but you know what? I can't do anything about that so I smile today and I'll smile tomorrow too. It's a worry but I'm not worried about it. You can whip me today but I keep coming back and sooner or later I will win

Bettypooh

[BigKidNKY]

About all you can do with life is hang in there and hang on for the ride- it does get bumpy sometimes

...

Yep, attitude is everything because it is the one thing which is always in your hands alone, the one thing which nobody can remove from you, the one thing that can get you through the rough spots in life. My future is likely to get bad- far worse than I want, right to the point of losing what little I have, but you know what? I can't do anything about that so I smile today and I'll smile tomorrow too. It's a worry but I'm not worried about it. You can whip me today but I keep coming back and sooner or later I will win

Betty - I finally decided to join DD just so I could tell you how inspriational your writings are. I personally struggle with lots of problems in my own life and your advice rings true quite a bit. Sometimes the only way I can forget about my worries is to just sleep them off. I call it my "Reboot". Another technique I find helpful is to think about Pumba and Timon and their little no worries song and it usually makes me laugh: Hakuna Matata.

I hope the OP can find some consolation in what you've written as well. I can tell he suffers primarily from perfectionism. We're not perfect, and never will be -- none of us. We can just hope that we make more good than bad choices...