My Untraining Journey (Trans, Pre-to-Post Op)

[Kif]

Been a long-time lurker here, and wanted to share my journey on diaper dependency / untraining.

I'm already roughly a month in at this point, but since I've been for-all-practical-purposes a lurker here I'll make a quick intro and then get into it.

So who am I?

I'm basically an ace trans gal, pre-op at the time of this post (hoping to remedy that soon!). I'm located in Europe, and am a bit of a homebody but strive to get out more. I'm married, and my hubby isn't an ABDL but is supportive. They've even changed me a few times, but since transitioning I've felt too dysphoric naked to let them do it.

My relationship with diapers is...well, I've wanted to wear them since my earliest memories. Using them came a bit later, but has been nearly as persistent and unless I'm using my diapers (especially without notice/control) it doesn't feel right. I don't feel like either AB or DL really makes sense as labels for me...It simply feels right to wear and use diapers without control. I'd like to say nappies help with my dysphoria, but they're neutral; when dry it "flattens" my front but when wet ofc the front bulges out more than if I weren't wearing so...aaaaaa, can't wait for SRS.

Anyway, I've struggled a lot with accepting myself and my needs with diapers and incontinence, and I've decided to untrain and wear nappies 24/7 to embrace and accept myself and move forward with this part of my life.

SRS will happen too in this journey so it'll be interesting to see how sensation changes down there. I'll say as a disclaimer I'm ofc not a doctor, and while I've since confirmed with the docs bedwetting and diapers won't pose problems in recovery, I will put untraining on hold if it poses problems. But before that happens I'll probably switch to lighter diapers and bedpads to keep myself (literally) dry as annoying as it'll be to change every hour or two -- though, tbh I'm not sure I'd find it anymore annoying than the pain, dialation, and constant cleaning/washing down there that I also will be doing at the same pace...so even then I don't expect it to be a problem given other folks' accounts of recovery while experiencing continence problems.

So where am I at?

I'm approximately a month in, however this isn't my first attempt.

I've had several untraining stints in the past, but I think my last one was the most serious. It was approximately four years ago, and when I'd started I was afraid to wear diapers outside my apartment let alone deal with changes etc. After two months of emotional and physical work, I managed to largely overcome my fears, attain low-awareness day-wetting, and wet in my sleep 5/7 nights per week (waking up the rest of the time).

I'd have continued if I hadn't also come to realize I was trans, and had started my transition; I felt afraid having continence problems would hurt my chances of getting surgery. My bedwetting stopped, and the only physical change that persisted was moderate post-void drip.

Since then, combined with growing impatient waiting on surgery to pickup where I left off, and life/death things that changed my perspective, I've decided f**k it let's do this.

Plus, the progress I made the first time around could be labeled as "spiral prone" to say the least; to say I was shocked reading my progress journals from then would be an understatement haha. So, knowing I'm a bit unusual in that sense, I am curious to see what happens! (if you've not read Kali's blog, keep in mind that if I really am "spiral prone" that my results would be unusually fast compared to average, so please don't compare yourself to me!)

A few things to note this time around:

•  I'm working remotely (I commuted to the office everyday last time)
•  Will be focusing more heavily on the emotional/mental aspects that cause clenching and hesitation. I'm hiring an EMDR+kink-friendly hypnotist as well. (last time, I encountered a few things but did not focus exhaustively on it nor consider hiring a professional for help)
•  Fluid intake and diet will be more important, to make voiding easier and more frequent (I did consume more fluids, but not as diligently)
•  I'll be incorporating reverse-kegals and pelvic floor stretches into my routine, twice-daily (I did not do this at all last time)
•  Heavier diapering will be important for containment/confidence; cloth over disposables, with plastic pants (I was over-focused on discretion last time and did not adjust my wardrobe much, whereas now I've shopped in heavier diapering and also skirts are available)

I started back up again on Aug 3rd-ish. And apparently, I retained a lot of the knowledge I'd gained the first go-around because within a few weeks I had wet the bed a few times in my sleep (and if not that, waking up to pee or waking up already peeing). 

Then, I went on a large trip after that where I anticipated having setbacks due to being around family...Nope. I wore pads during the day due to the post-void drip and legit worries of accidents (I already had some urgency problems from the previous stint), and nappies at night...Still had at least one nighttime accident, several daytime drips, and at least one 'unpermitted void'. I picked up nappies again after returning with roughly the same cadance as before (minus eh...diet gone to heck...that took a few weeks to recover from).

I've since experienced another night accident, and have had lots of moments during most days where I realized I was peeing after it had started. And nearly everyday I've found my diaper wetter than I expected it to be. And with my focus on psychological barriers, messing has become a lot easier with time.

For the record, I have out of caution reached out to my doc and ran some bloodwork and urine samples just to be sure I don't have some other concern. Night wetting in particular tends to raise lots of red flags in adults and while I am pursuing incontinence I also don't know for-sure that there isn't some other underlying condition happening by-coincidence at the same time. I've since confirmed no other problems, but will keep tabs with my doc if the night-wetting surges up again.

Otherwise, one thing I felt a bit iffy about that surprised me...Going thicker. It feels really strange to go with a cloth and plastic pants over a disposable, and it feels cartoonishly thick. But it works really really really well with leak containment (which helps with leak anxiety and therefore clenching) and surprisingly well with smell containment (I don't use nullo or whatever at all...and my hubby who knows I wear didn't notice either). With my hubby's assurances I look totally normal (so many he found my worrying annoying haha), I even went out this way and...nobody cared. It probably helps I wear circle skirts, but still...Either way, it beats worrying about leaking or smell.

There's so much more I have to say/share, so if these get too long let me know. Or ask away.
I'll post roughly once monthly, I think? I don't want to spam too much, haha, but I want to keep things updated. I journal quite a lot privately, so this'll serve for summaries of those essentially. Or if I have any fun stories to share ?

[Enthusi]

Great read! 

You are spot on about it just feeling right. I forget who on this forum said it first, but they said they felt their potty training was a glitch.   That describes mine and so many others here’s experiences.   When it’s really bad I get downright upset at myself if I am holding it in without meaning to. 

Also you mentioned needing thick diapers to feel more confident.  Have you considered going the opposite route and using cheaper diapers and changing more frequently?  That’s what a lot of incontinent folks do.  It often works out cheaper that way and you’re less likely to leak.   I also try to stay on a regular changing schedule which helps a lot, even if it means that sometimes you end up changing a diaper before it is fully saturated.  Man leaks really suck don’t they! 

 

 

 

[Kif]

9 hours ago, Enthusi said:

Great read! 

You are spot on about it just feeling right. I forget who on this forum said it first, but they said they felt their potty training was a glitch.   That describes mine and so many others here’s experiences.   When it’s really bad I get downright upset at myself if I am holding it in without meaning to. 

Thanks! 

I tend to feel upset too -- I'm trying to take a more positive approach, assure myself it's okay, imagine 'redoing it' in my head, and then encouraging myself when I release. Hoping this helps me avoid going down a hole, haha

9 hours ago, Enthusi said:

Also you mentioned needing thick diapers to feel more confident.  Have you considered going the opposite route and using cheaper diapers and changing more frequently?  That’s what a lot of incontinent folks do.  It often works out cheaper that way and you’re less likely to leak.   I also try to stay on a regular changing schedule which helps a lot, even if it means that sometimes you end up changing a diaper before it is fully saturated.  Man leaks really suck don’t they! 

For clarity I should mention the ones I use generally last no more than 6 hours and I stick to a 4-hour schedule; I'm definitely not going for super-premium disposables atm, but I'm also not using 1-2 hour briefs either. Not sure where I fall tbh, I often hear heavier disposable diapers quoted as 6, 8, 10, or more hours of capacity. One thing for-sure is I could never see myself being in one of those 10 hour diapers all day; it'd be too distracting for me, and wouldn't be useful with FI after lunch anyway.

I've considered more-frequent changes, but haven't actually tried it out too long besides one time I started to notice a very very very very slight rash developing so that day I swapped from the Seni Quatros to the Supers and changed every 2 hours max. It worked out alright I guess? Whatever discomfort that had shown up in the morning was gone by the evening.

I think I'm hesitant to go shorter than 4 hours like that regularly for practical reasons though -- especially on workdays or when doing errands, I'd need to carry quite a few changes with me space-wise. Plus, there's assuming I can stick to the change schedule which doesn't always happen due to meetings etc.

Is that what you mean by cheaper and more frequently? If so, how are you managing?

Btw in my case, the Seni Quatros are cheaper per-unit than the Tenas. I've used Tenas, and they're really nice because they can be delivered to my door on a subscription and have fantastic absorbency despite their slim appearance, but they're still more-expensive per-unit (even when comparing the supers with the Seni Quatros). Since the Senis are more comfortable, have lower-cost per-unit, and have a bit more room in the seat, I've been using those. I've not cared too much about cloth-backing since I always pair with plastic pants.

[Kif]

So last night, I realized I was being woken while peeing and not the other way around? 

I've been hydrating as best I can throughout the day and drinking a tall glass or two before bed, but I've not exactly had lots of bedwetting since I resumed after the big trip (only once or twice since then where I'm 100% sure I wet without waking up at all). 

Usually I'd be woken up by urgency, try to pee, and fall asleep I think before I started (I'm a heavy sleeper, haha)...And then not much later I'd wake up again, with even-more urgency. I have been putting focus into trying to make sure I pee before going back to sleep because I don't like holding it ofc; it hurts more at night since my bladder usually doesn't get as full as it does during the day. ?

Then at some point earlier this week I started to notice I was peeing before I fell back asleep...so success, I thought? I tried paying more attention to it to see what was going on and last night I realized it had been happening the other way around!

I don't always dream, so it'd feel like I just hadn't fallen asleep yet, felt urgency, and let it out -- but when I checked the time I realized it was hooours past when I went to bed and my mind had been playing tricks on me. So, it seems like what was actually happening was I was either being woken up by the sensation of being mid-pee or I was just barely waking up enough to pee and not realizing I was waking up...Weird stuff!

I mean, either way though, I doooon't think it'd be a good idea to go without diapers at any point during the night for sure after this week. It seems that regardless my brain has started to move habitual day-wetting into at least half-consciousness during the night! So, I guess all the practice and psychological work seems to be paying off in some way, slowly ?

Otherwise there's nothing else to really note this week besides continuing to work through emotional/psychological stuff. When I have tough days there, I end up holding more and it's related to the stuff I went through. What helps me is doing the reverse kegal stretches, self-administering EMDR to process stuff, some positive/affirming hypnosis (I mostly I use the "self-acceptance" files, and rarely venture into the "incontinence" files while awake to look for ideas), and going on walks to get some fresh air. Really looking forward to working with a kink-friendly EMDR+Hypnosis professional in some number of weeks to work through it more.

Self-therapy and hypnosis etc doesn't ofc help directly with untraining physically, but every time I work through another "stuck" feeling it becomes that much easier to release freely during the day (and now night)...So I think it's more important than it's credited for. ?

[Beccathelittle]

3 hours ago, Kif said:

So, it seems like what was actually happening was I was either being woken up by the sensation of being mid-pee or I was just barely waking up enough to pee and not realizing I was waking up...Weird stuff!

I had those feelings all too often when I was working on bedwetting and through the first year. Definitely a sign you're getting used to it and your body is as well.  Keep it up and eventually you will be waking up soaked every night even if you don't drink much before bed. At least that's what happened to me  

Congrats  

[Kif]

Oh wow, I didn't expect to share experiences there! Awesome, thanks!  

Looking forward to the next steps, haha

[~Brian~]

@Kif @Beccathelittle

I have had people ask me about what being incontinent really feels like:  I tell them like this: imagine that you are drinking a lot of water and you end up continuously drinking water until you cannot drink anymore. Then, you have a full stomach and you cannot hold it for very long, or you will pee yourself.  When I started my journey back in 2020 and went 24 seven, I was having trouble with excess fluids. The doctor prescribed  Dyazide - let me tell you if you want to know what it is like to lose control, drink a whole bunch of water, and then take something that is or acts like a diuretic. If you want to feel like a two-year-old who don’t have any control at all, you won’t have any control because once you start going you won’t stop until your bladder is completely empty. In this case it is a guilty pleasure:    It May take you a while for you to fully experience being able to Pee without waking up or to be able to not hold it back. The reason why you must “un train” It’s because your body has built up barriers that do not allow you to wet yourself at night or during the day. You are trained to release when you’re sitting on the toilet. Untraining allows you to condition your body to tell yourself “hey it’s OK to Pee whenever you feel the urge, Or, it’s OK to poop when you feel the urge.”  You have to train your body, because when you were younger you were taught that it was the only way to go was in a diaper, and then as you aged you were taught that it was appropriate to go in the toilet.

Untraining is simply The process that you undo when you want to go in a diaper. After a while, your body will learn that when it has a diaper on that it is OK to use it for both purposes. In my case it is easier, Safer, more dignified, and less stressful  to use a diaper - I can’t tell you how many times in 2019 and 2020 but I had to bolt out of my chair and run to the bathroom just so I don’t have an accident. With a diaper on, I don’t have to worry about that. I use diapers for my dignity and because it is easier for me to deal with if I have to release I have to release – when you have cerebral palsy, I believe most people understand that incontinence is or could be a condition that is An accompanying condition -  it takes a while to learn to use a diaper when you have it on. People always ask me:  “Do you or can you become incontinent Simply because you put a diaper on:  answer “no”.

Remember:  using diapers is simply the reverse of potty training, and it does not occur overnight, and you will not start simply flooding diapers the minute you have one on. It will take time patience and effort to be able to entertain yourself. The only disadvantage is, once you do that you may not want to go back or be able to go back. You will use diapers 24 seven, 365 days a year, and you will be changing them everywhere, And anywhere. You will have to have your change of clothes for what I call my “go bag“ and you will have to have all of your supplies on board. Once you start down this road, you will find that it will be easier for some than for others, but in my case I feel a lot better, because I don’t have to stress anymore. If I have to use it, I use it. And I am not ashamed of it, And no one should be ashamed of using diapers if that is what they want to do. A diaper is simply a special type of underwear that you can poop in and Pee in and that’s all it is.  A diaper is simply another form of underwear.

Good Luck!
Brian

 

 

Edited September 18, 2021 by ~Brian~
Added additional handles to post

[Beccathelittle]

Thanks for the information @~Brian~ , but was this posted in the wrong thread? This is Kif's journey not mine  
Just congratulating her on the new milestone and letting her know it's a shared experience.

*edit* I see its probably due to similar titles haha. Well I guess little minds think a like apparently..

[~Brian~]

17 minutes ago, Beccathelittle said:

Thanks for the information @~Brian~ , but was this posted in the wrong thread? This is Kif's journey not mine  
Just congratulating her on the new milestone and letting her know it's a shared experience.

*edit* I see its probably due to similar titles haha. Well I guess little minds think a like apparently..

@Beccathelittle

Yes, most likely it is due to the fact that there are people who use similar titles when they post. I have actually gone in and edited my posting, adding @Kif to it.  Everyone has their own experiences with their journey. Sometimes it’s easy, while sometimes it’s difficult. However, we are all here together and we will help each other by learning from each other I congratulate her as well.

Take care,

Brian

[Kif]

On 9/18/2021 at 5:04 PM, ~Brian~ said:

@Beccathelittle

Yes, most likely it is due to the fact that there are people who use similar titles when they post. I have actually gone in and edited my posting, adding @Kif to it.  Everyone has their own experiences with their journey. Sometimes it’s easy, while sometimes it’s difficult. However, we are all here together and we will help each other by learning from each other I congratulate her as well.

Take care,

Brian

Ahahahah, I was wondering what was going on! ?

Yeah, all these "my journey" threads sound similar, I'll see if I can update the name of mine haha. 

On 9/18/2021 at 4:22 PM, ~Brian~ said:

You will use diapers 24 seven, 365 days a year, and you will be changing them everywhere, And anywhere. You will have to have your change of clothes for what I call my “go bag“ and you will have to have all of your supplies on board. Once you start down this road, you will find that it will be easier for some than for others, but in my case I feel a lot better, because I don’t have to stress anymore. If I have to use it, I use it. And I am not ashamed of it, And no one should be ashamed of using diapers if that is what they want to do. A diaper is simply a special type of underwear that you can poop in and Pee in and that’s all it is.  A diaper is simply another form of underwear.

Good Luck!
Brian

Thanks for the well-wishes! ?

Agreed, there should be zero shame using diapers; they're just specialized underwear. Still working on this mind-game myself (especially with FI), but I'm getting better every day! ? 

Speaking of underwear, I've finally moved mine from "storage" to "inconvenient/deep storage"; you know, the kind located in an outdoor separate storage unit. I'd been considering it for a while, and running out of space to store my cloth nappies in my bedroom cabinet was the final push I needed. Will hold onto them for transition, as a last-ditch measure in case I have to stop and revert to pads+panties again...after that, I'll wear them to test my continence and throw them away when/if I dirty them (figure that'd be more impactful than simply shredding them).

Otherwise, I'll also be putting my "go bag" to the test this month haha, will be going back to the office more. I feel a bit more confident than when I first started (literally just a diaper and some wipes), versus now (in a bigger purse that also includes an additional diaper, some rash cream, a change of socks, bottoms, spare plastic pants, trash bags, and a thin changing pad). I actually store the changing pad in its own separate plastic bag because I realized play-pretending through changes that it would sit on the germy (public) bathroom floor and that if I didn't put it in its own bag then I'd be risking transferring those germs into the contents of my bag! ? 

[~Brian~]

@Kif

I know that somewhere on the forms I have posted what I carry in my “go bag”. This month I got a whole bunch of supplies that I need to deal with my incontinence. Including in this are disposable underpads, washable underpads, disposal bags, refills for the Jannibell system, Jannibell Pail, Wipes, 12 pairs of Garywear Incontinence briefs, powder, bag balm, lotion, and 40% zinc oxide, a.k.a. diaper rash cream.

as you stated you should always carry a bag for disposal of any incontinence products that you do not wish to leave behind. In my case I always carry a couple extra trash bags so that I can get rid of anything that I use: which means if I use a Diaper or an under pad or several wipes or anything else that becomes dirty, I can put them in this bag, and then get rid of it. This way I do not have to carry any dirty trash home with me I just leave it in the can wear my office is and it is taken out weekly. In my last order from NORTHSHORE, I got the scented bags, so I will carry some of those in my go bag so that I can eliminate anything that smells bad.

I also have a bag that I can use for wet stuff. What I do is I take anything that I am wearing that is what I take it off I put it in this bag and then put it away I wipe myself down and then throw the dirty stuff in the dirty bag and then throw it all away in one shot. For my case I have to have an under pad just in case something goes wrong.

I also have a bag that I can use for wet stuff. What I do is I take anything that I am wearing that is wet I take it off I put it in this bag and then put it away I wipe myself down and then throw the dirty stuff in the dirty bag and then throw it all away in one shot. For my case I have to have an under pad just in case something goes wrong.

I always carry about five diapers, five under pads, and any of my powder or lotion or bag balm or cream that I need. Additionally I sometimes carry dry clothes on board if I think I need them or maybe even some dry underwear just in case I have something where I cannot change back into what I took off. It is always good to have this supply of material with you at all times.  The reason is, because you do not know where or when you may have to use them. I am pretty lucky that I plan my bathroom trips very well so if I know I’m going somewhere where I may not be able to use the bathroom and I need to go I always do it before I leave. Then if I have to use the diaper, at least I know that I have gone at least once. Hopefully then I won’t have to have a BM and then have to come back and clean up the mess or clean it up where I am.

@DiaperboyEddie12 asked me about my “go bag”. And  when he did I did, I  posted it up but I’m not sure exactly where it is. Because I post so much I think it got buried somewhere but if I find it again I will tag you so that you will see it again. Always make sure to have enough supplies with you Don’t end up without them  if you have to use them.

when you do use them, make sure that you restock what you take out of your bag so that you always have the same number of product whether it be: diapers, wipes, powder, lotion, or whatever you have in there. It is always a good idea also to carry disposable wipes so that you can quickly clean up a mess in seconds. Having wet wipes available will help you because you can clean yourself and also clean your hands. I also have the availability hand sanitizer in my desk and on my desk, so I always use it when I get back to my desk because I work in a thrift store and I don’t want to make the mistake of not washing my hands, especially in Covid times.

as far as the bag goes, it should be big enough to be able to store whatever you want in it, without being so big that it is gargantuan and hard to move. Because I use a wheelchair, I can’t afford to have a bigger bag on the back of my wheelchair. It should be a bag that is easy for you to handle, easy for you to access, and easy for you to store. What I mean by this is, you may not want everyone in the world to know that you Wearing are using, so you might not want to have a bag that makes it obvious. A backpack or a shoulder bag is optimum for this. In my case I have a heavy duty backpack that is loaded with everything I need, so I don’t have to worry because no one is going to question my bag.  Most people that I have spoken to that travel, Carry their “Go bag“ in the trunk of their vehicle, and when they need it they can pull it and change this is a good way to make sure you always have your go bag ready. Refill it when you need to make sure you have enough supply.

Also, remember that when you have a diaper on and you use it and you keep it on and don’t change it immediately or close by, you do have an increased risk of having diaper rash. You must make sure that you take good care of your skin so that it does not break down it does not scab or  redden or burn or anything like that.  Use a barrier cream to make sure that this does not happen. And let me tell you, it will happen so be prepared for it. There are some of us who like to wear wet Diapers but you have to make sure that you take care of your skin otherwise you will have severe problems and skin breakdown or rash is not some thing that is very comfortable or easy to deal with so make sure you take good care of your skin that is priority number one!

Good Luck!

Brian

[~Brian~]

@Kif

You are in LUCK:  As I stated above, @DiaperboyEddie12had asked me what I carry in my "go bag" and what type of bag it was:  I link that post What's In Your Diaper Bag

Also, in that post, you will see a picture of the bag I use. 

Good Luck!

Brian

[Kif]

The funniest and most-telling thing happened last night! ?

So, my hubby and I were in the bedroom and I'd started changing. He was in bed waiting for me to finish, and I was on the floor in the other corner changing. We have a pseudo-wood laminate floor all over the apartment, so I'm not worried about changing in there.

Out of NOWHERE he rips a loud one. Like, I mean real diesel-engine, gutteral, rip-roarin' flatulator. It went for what felt like minutes. 

And it sent me REELING with laughter! Him too! ?

But remember I had said I was changing my diaper at the time? Well, I had just opened it up and was laying there naked basically and it didn't occur to me to close it up once I started laughing. 

I finished taping up (I was laying on the fresh diaper already) and went to pickup the old one at my feet and...found it in a cold puddle.  Not drops, a puddle!! ??

While laughing my ass off, apparently I'd launch-peed past my fresh diaper, past my feet, and onto the floor a few feet away! Ofc this was the one time I decided to not lay down the changing mat first! ?

I felt suuuper embarassed and since I was out-of-sight of my hubby I sneakily wiped it up...and then ran over for cleaning supplies, sprayed that on a rag, and wiped it more thoroughly before tossing into my dry/wet nappy bag (used normally for wet terry liners and pants). And apologized to my hubby...he hadn't realized it had happened (and neither had I, haha), but he was understanding (and both of us thankful it wasn't onto the bedframe, and that we had laminate floors). ? 

I guess it shows I am losing some sense of control already...apparently if I have pee in my bladder and I don't focus on clenching while laughing it'll just come out at this point. Accidents happen, but I guess at least it's a sign of something...and possibly needing to put a towel over myself while changing haha.

[Enthusi]

Welcome to the world of incontinence. It’s a good thing you find this sort of thing enjoyable and I hope it stays that way for you. 

To a large extent it is still very enjoyable for me to know I need to be diapered.  And for what it’s worth I LOVE reading updates like this these. 

However keep in mind that incontinence doesn’t stop… EVER. No matter what.   Like this morning I was mildly miffed because I had changed  diapers over night (I woke up in the middle of the night soaked).  I woke up   A few hours later dry but a full bladder. I needed to shower and so I had ostensibly planned to take off my diaper and put it back on right after showering. Unfortunately I couldn’t hold it long enough to get to the shower and I soaked the diaper.   That accident cost me $2. Grrr.  
 

[DiaperboyEddie12]

1 hour ago, Enthusi said:

  That accident cost me $2. Grrr.  
 

@Enthusi Why it cost you $2?

[Kif]

4 hours ago, Enthusi said:

Welcome to the world of incontinence. It’s a good thing you find this sort of thing enjoyable and I hope it stays that way for you. 

To a large extent it is still very enjoyable for me to know I need to be diapered.  And for what it’s worth I LOVE reading updates like this these. 

However keep in mind that incontinence doesn’t stop… EVER. No matter what.   Like this morning I was mildly miffed because I had changed  diapers over night (I woke up in the middle of the night soaked).  I woke up   A few hours later dry but a full bladder. I needed to shower and so I had ostensibly planned to take off my diaper and put it back on right after showering. Unfortunately I couldn’t hold it long enough to get to the shower and I soaked the diaper.   That accident cost me $2. Grrr.  
 

Haha, thanks! ?

Yeah, I work a lot on letting go no matter where I am or what I'm doing...during changes, while leaving the shower, etc. I figure that by doing this I'll get as close an approximation as possible to what incontinence feels like emotionally. Still, it's another thing entirely emotionally to actually realize I'm losing control! It's easy to read about it and prepare but it doesn't really set in until these accidents occur...I'm happy to confirm where my emotions sit and that I could laugh about it afterwards!

That said, I think Sarah's post on why she retrained and then returned really hit home with me; I relate a LOT to fears of other people knowing I wear diapers and I work at it wherever I can (both to minimize risk, but also gradually loosen up how much I concern myself with it).

But, I also realized I still have lots of fears about this with SRS and it made me realize that while I can work through my fears of people I cannot really do anything about the SRS stuff until it happens. Like, I could be wrong and maybe I have a rare skin issue that makes healing take longer and nappies could make it worse (this is a legit thing, increases risk of dehiscence [wound separation, do NOT google])? Or, I could develop FI unexpectedly early and need to have a colostomy to fully heal from surgery? (oorrrr  ofc that could happen anyway due to an unpredicted anal/neo-vaginal fistula, even if I retain continence...thank f**k it is temporary/6-months in either case) Let alone what I'd tell my doctor and how I'd feel about that...But hey, for the record, don't lookup SRS horror stories unless you're me and trying to learn as much as possible about what to be on alert for. Also hey, me, stop doing that it's bad for your emotional health ?

Anyway, I have no plans to stop completely, but it definitely makes me think that for my own emotional safety I should maybe not push myself so hard sometimes. Like, do I feel the need to poop while people are around? Before, I might have pushed myself (hah) to go right then and there to conquer that fear...but maybe I need to take it easy and instead make my way outside and do it on a walk? It's all so psychological, and I think it'll pay off to be kind to myself when facing these kinds of things ?

[Enthusi]

13 hours ago, DiaperboyEddie12 said:

@Enthusi Why it cost you $2?

The cost of the diaper. If I had the ability to hold it for another few minutes while I got out of bed then I could’ve saved the diaper and re-worn it.  

[DiaperboyEddie12]

4 minutes ago, Enthusi said:

The cost of the diaper. If I had the ability to hold it for another few minutes while I got out of bed then I could’ve saved the diaper and re-worn it.  

Thank you for explaining that to me.

 

[Kif]

So another week wraps up, and we enter week #8 and wrap up my second month in nappies, quickly approaching my last record doing this. 

The most notable stuff that happened this week revolved around my psychological (dis)comfort enduring bathroom workers and visiting the office for the first time in months.

We're doing some major work on our bathroom and it's going to remain out of commission for probably the whole of month #3. We have access to a temporary bathroom, however it's a decent walk away and my bowels seem to coordinate with the arrival of workers in the morning....If it's not when I'm pouring coffee, then it increasingly likes to surface urges shortly after they arrive. So, either I have to rush through my morning routine to change/shower before they arrive or I need to deal with it while they're here. I'm getting up earlier to compensate but so far I've just lost some sleep...

My hubby has assured me maaaany many many times that he smells nothing on me, even while standing in front of him in a full nappy. The only time he notices anything at all is the pattern of rushing to the bathroom, showering, and sometimes leaving behind an odor in the bathroom afterwards. So, apparently my disposable + cloth + plastic pants setup works extremely well for concealing messes even in close quarters. Also, avoiding nasty foods and having no obvious "poopy face" probably helps too; I can just let loose while walking, really.

BUT despite all this in my favor I still struggle with just letting go when I need to, especially if there is anybody nearby. I think it's the noise that I worry about, partly? Also just...feeling self-conscious. Anyway, it results in both holding back pee and some constipation...and I hate those more, so I've pushed myself to get over my fears and have gotten a bit better this week about just standing up and letting it all out as soon as the urge hits but...it'll be a while. A step back, a step forward. Meh...I've got all of month #3 to practice, so that's a good thing I guess? Plus, my hubby and I are gradually becoming more comfortable about it and prodding each other with pee/poo jokes so there's that haha.

Unrelated, the temporary bathroom is a bit cramped, and cramped changes suck...one tip I might that can make them suck less is to use clothespins to hold up your skirt or long shirt! It at least keeps them out of way during changes, even just wet ones, and that's nice. 

Anyway, I also went in to the office and found I still had some amount of fear wetting around others when standing up in a meeting. I'd been neglecting my frequent drinking and releasing habits a bit too, so combined I had trouble getting the image out of my head of pee trickling down my leg while standing and talking to a colleague. Fortunately it never happened, but unfortunately I probably won't come to the office again for a while; everything is still locked down here, my trip was more of a rare social one. I'd like to practice working through these fears, but I have a feeling it may not matter if I continue peeing in relative comfort working from home for several more months...

Still, to better hammer in those drink/void habits I've purchased a discrete vibrating "potty training" watch (looks like one of those fitness trackers). It's meant to vibrate every X minutes to help children and incontinent adults remember to run to the potty, and it's kinda funny to be using it for the exact opposite. Either way, it'll be great to have considering my phone isn't always on me or Android updates and suddenly my reminder app is being shut down as a background process to save battery life...again.

Not sure if it'll matter long-run, but I do worry sometimes that my bladder is bigger or less sensitive than it should be? Unless I'm drinking constantly, I don't really feel the urge to go anymore...And while I've woken up wet twice this week and this morning, I often still have a decent amount in my bladder when I wake up (even on the wet mornings). I suspect that part of it is myself habitually holding if I notice I'm "too wet" as this is a problem for me during the day as well...And while I plan to switch to cloth at night after the bathroom work is done and we have a private washer/drier installed, I really cannot do it until then so I'll need to upgrade my nighttime nappies and/or include more boosters. I mean, I'd practice leaking too but again need to wait on the washer/drier situation.

Night-wetting, by the way, so far seems to come in clusters. I'll have a few nights with maybe a day dry between them, and then a dry spell the rest of the week. Not quite sure why that is, but I suspect it has at least part to do with my mood since that also tends to cluster a bit too...It all tends to happen on the weekend or early part of the week after I've had a chance to unwind and a few uninterrupted stress-free days. It would make sense my mood has so much more impact in that sense if I consider that I wore cloth in my last stint and so far not in this one; unlike last stint, I do have some fear of leaking at night and there's only so much I've been able to do to boost my disposables capacity at night. I should probably suck it up and buy some BetterDrys or something, though even those need me to add boosters at night since I wet so heavily. I also might consider using my vibrating watch to wake up in the middle of the night for a while until my subconscious decides it's easier to just go consistently than lose sleep, we'll see about that...Could be a bit extreme for me, after all I don't need the extra stress I'm already getting from hammer-drills during the day.

[Kif]

Something I just realized might have been hampering my effort to drink/wet consistently: glass size. 

I'd switched to a smaller glass last week, and hadn't thought much of it.

In theory, it'd prompt me to get up more often and I'd therefore get more practice standing up and walking, and break any holds I had (peeing standing up is easier, plus there's the running water). 

In reality, I simply drank less to reduce the effort and consequently grew a bit subtly apprehensive about drinking in general. 

So, let's try drinking from a larger glass then. ?

[Kif]

Was alone at home today; workers finished early and hubby was at work.

I'd had a leak in my diaper and while I was feeling a bit afraid I let it happen...so while I was somewhat proud of going through with it anyway, I did feel a bit tired of that fear I experience when leaking. So, I decided the circumstances were a great time to destroy a few panties >:)

And it was...?
Surprisingly boring. 

I changed out of my diaper, put on one of two panties I had sitting around (from when I tried different liners for the large trip a few months back), laid down a pad on my chair and...while I had to work up to it a bit, I peed when the urge came. 

It got wet. The pad got wet. It felt warm, and then cold.
I chucked my wet panties into the trash where they belonged.
Wiped down and got another pair. 

This time it was habitual like when I was in a diaper. Urge came, pee left, hardly thought of it.

Did that a few more times, lost track of time, and realized I should go change so I did. 
Chucked my diaper (forgotten on the floor) and panties into the trash, and hopped back into a fresh warm fluffy diaper.

Ah well...Turns out peeing my panties was pretty boring and uneventful. 

At least my diaper stays warm when it's wet. 

I wonder if it'll change in 6 months or a year after I've lost some real control.
Maybe not...if I have to pee, I'll pee whether I want to or not, and they'll get wet along with anything under them.

I think I can see why folks shred their underwear. 
Unless you're into humiliation, they're pretty useless...diapers just work better.

[~Brian~]

@Kif

I think that you’ll find that if you are in a diaper, or you use diapers, that having underwear just isn’t the same anymore. Your diaper is designed to deal with anything you release: for a guy, it’s number one number two and number three, and for a girl it’s the same way.  People have asked me in the past weather prolong diaper wearing causes you to just release whenever you have a diaper on – the answer to that is no:  What you have to do is train your body to be able to release, and in order to do that you have to tell your brain “it’s OK to use a diaper“ or “it’s OK to Pee yourself”. Or “ it feels good to release in a diaper“ or whatever kind of words or feelings that would instill the feeling that it’s OK to use the diaper for all releases.

This It’s not something that happens overnight. You may lose some of your control as you continue to wear diapers, but just because you have it on doesn’t mean that you’re going to release. You have to train your bladder and your bowels to release when you have a diaper on, that takes time: after a while, you may lose control, or not have as much control. The one thing that I must warn you about is that once you start down the road of using diapers 24 seven, your body will get used to releasing in a diaper, and then you may not be able to train yourself again do use the toilet.

Peeing underwear has never been one of my turn on’s. I’ve always had feelings of wanting to use a diaper, or to feel what it feels to have it on. If you are peeing in a diaper or using it for other reasons, there is a certain “feeling you get” when you’re using Your diaper. Remember, the reason why we wear diapers as a young kid or a baby, it’s because we have no bladder or bowel control, and we just released whenever we have to wherever we have to. As an adult, you may end up getting a rush when you have a diaper on and you finally released either Pee or poop.  This is because it may bring back memories of you being a kid, when you didn’t have any inhibitions, or any worries, and just releasing in your pants was appropriate. As an adult, you may end up getting a rush because you released in your pants or in a diaper. Peeing in your underwear does not give you the same turn on I don’t believe.

As Time goes on, you will put a diaper on, and he will go about your day, and when you have to use it, you release. Then you change your diaper colon then you end up using it again. Eventually you will be in a position where your body just knows “hey I have a diaper on it’s OK I can use it,” then it happens. Diapers are a turn on for me as well, because it tells me that I can release with confidence and I don’t have to worry about what will happen if I do or when I do. I know at the end I will have to change and I will have to clean up, but the peace of mind of not having to run to the bathroom every five minutes, because of my disability, and because of my limited mobility, makes me feel better when I have one on.

in my opinion there is no better feeling than having a dry plastic back diaper on, that is tight enough so that it stays where you want it, and then you just wait and once you release it makes you feel good. It is a guilty pleasure I guess, and if you wear diapers, and you like that that’s cool.  Friends like @Evelyn Dellcerro or @Transfusionelle Can’ tell you how they get turned on when they poop their diapers, and they can tell stories to you about how it feels to them. That is their turn on, and each person has their own things that they like and don’t like. Some people like to Pee, some people like to poop. That depends on the person and what they decide to do, based on their likes and dislikes.  
 

In my opinion it is more fun to wear diapers and use them rather than to wear underwear and dirty them and then have to wash them. I’ve always said that a  diaper is just “a special type of underwear that you can Pee and poop in”  diapers are awesome because you don’t have to worry about having to wash them, unless they’re cloth, and you can keep on using them until they may leak. For some reason I happen to like the fact that I can orgasm in a diaper myself. It feels good and it lets me release.  The first few weeks that I wore diapers in 2019, I thought that someone was going to find out, or that I was going to get people that didn’t understand. When I told the people they told, I was surprised that it was excepted without too much problem. With a diaper on, I don’t have to worry about making a mess, unless I Leak.  I used to feel guilty about using it, But as I found, the best thing that you can do if you are incontinent, I need diapers, or decide to use diapers 24 seven, is to learn to accept it, And then you can add the fun to it. I have learned so much in the last two years about being in continent or being a diaper lover and I am both, and I am not ashamed to say it. I have finally come to terms with the fact that for several years I have had those feelings, and they’re not going away, so why not deal with my incontinence, and my feelings of being a diaper lover at the same time. 
 

Another thing I have learned is that you may wear diapers every day for a while, and then you may decide that you don’t want them anymore, and you “purge them“. Eventually if you are a diaper lover, The “urges“ will come back, and you will be going after diapers again – this is known as “binge and purge cycle“. After a while, Diapers may not have the same affect and it be a turn on for you, because once you get used to wearing diapers, you may not get turned on as much, and then if you are using them for sexual gratification, that they don’t have the same affect.

Good Luck!

Brian

[oznl]

On 9/26/2021 at 9:34 PM, Kif said:

Not sure if it'll matter long-run, but I do worry sometimes that my bladder is bigger or less sensitive than it should be? Unless I'm drinking constantly, I don't really feel the urge to go anymore...

I've noticed this and I'm wondering if it's one of the 24/7 things that nobody seems to talk about (like becoming a bed wetter before losing any daytime continence seems to be).

I don't get many bladder messages any more.  I get to change time and I think "I'm not THAT wet" but in fact, I need a change.  I'm pretty sure I'm continent but I just don't think about voiding and it can occur semi-automatically through the day.  As my bladder never fills, it has nothing to say to me.  At night, if I don't wake and deliberately pee (sans any specific urge), I will just wet in my sleep.

[Kif]

5 hours ago, oznl said:

I've noticed this and I'm wondering if it's one of the 24/7 things that nobody seems to talk about (like becoming a bed wetter before losing any daytime continence seems to be).

I don't get many bladder messages any more.  I get to change time and I think "I'm not THAT wet" but in fact, I need a change.  I'm pretty sure I'm continent but I just don't think about voiding and it can occur semi-automatically through the day.  As my bladder never fills, it has nothing to say to me.  At night, if I don't wake and deliberately pee (sans any specific urge), I will just wet in my sleep.

Thanks for adding your experience on this!

Sounds like eventually it'll be no urgency at all, which sounds nice tbh.

On 10/1/2021 at 4:35 PM, ~Brian~ said:

@Kif

I think that you’ll find that if you are in a diaper, or you use diapers, that having underwear just isn’t the same anymore.

<snip>

Good Luck!

Brian

Thanks! Yeah, no desire to go back to undies at all -- and after trashing them in a suitably ironic way, I think I'll just shred them since even that was so uninteresting. I think at most I'll don some pullups during doc appointments. Otherwise, I'm quite happy to stay in diapers!

[Stroller]

1 hour ago, Kif said:

Sounds like eventually it'll be no urgency at all, which sounds nice tbh.

Yep, that's how it worked out for me too.  Good luck!