diaper dimension Done Adulting, Vol. 2 (Final chapter posted 12/21/20)

[YourFNF]

Wow kinda tired so not sure how to react but...

[Gentle Gemma]

Ohhhh this is what I've been waiting for!  Super excited yet super anxious.  I had to put it down and do something else for an hour just to clear my feelings.  Ella is probably my favorite character! 

[Alex Bridges]

More to come. Taking my time with it. The harder parts are on their way.

[Alex Bridges]

Chapter 54

 

 

Lynn was tired. This was all tiring, and even as their time together had gone better than she had imagined, the strain of what was not being said was wearing on her. Was wearing on all of them. She wanted to know why Ella was still there. They all did. She wanted to know if she’d come home. There wasn’t a presumption that she would, but there was a presumption she could be convinced if they tried. They were her family, after all. She and Peter hadn’t reached a decision on whether to try.

Brad was doing what he did best: remain neutral. That was how he managed to be everyone’s favorite. He listened. He had opinions; he judged; he just kept it to himself. Even when he was asked, he often kept his opinion to himself. The closest in age to Ella, old enough to understand what had happened to their family, he’d had the hardest time of his siblings when Ella first disappeared. The two of them had been close since he was born. They were playmates. His feelings back then didn’t manifest until he they were too much to control. A fist through a wall; an outburst at school. Since they learned Ella was in Itali, Lynn knew he was holding all his feelings in again. She wished he’d stop that, but she also knew they needed someone to play the role of the mediator, someone who could put their own feelings aside. As a mother, Lynn could not. Neither could Peter.

Andy held it all in around Ella that first day. Not when they got back behind closed doors. His relief, the happiness of the reunion, quickly gave way to anger again. At Stacy. At Michael. At Mary. At amazons in general. Lynn suspected at her and his father as well. Maybe even at Ella. No sooner was the door closed than he began talking about taking Courtney home; he only agreed to call her Ella at his mother’s insistence, and she only did because Mary had told them it would be best for her daughter. 

Jackie was the difficult one. She was the one Lynn felt guilty about. Peter did as well, but for a different reason. Jackie remembered Ella in the small isolated episodes that make up our first memories. She remembered those more than she remembered her sister as a person. But she still remembered, however vaguely at that age, that Ella was her friend and that they had fun together. She remembered the trauma around the time Ella went missing.

Mostly back then Jackie was confused. She didn’t understand where Ella went, only that she had gone away and that it had been fine at first. Everyone was okay when she left. And then after a while, which seemed liked a long time to her anyway because anytime is a long time when you’re four years old, everyone was suddenly very sad, and that didn’t make sense to her. She couldn’t tell what had changed to cause the sadness. Ella was gone, and people were okay; then she was still gone, and people were crying. All the people who made her feel better when she cried were now crying as hard as she ever did. They were crying all the time. Everyone she knew was at their house, and they were crying, too.

At first, no one explained it to Jackie. People don’t think four-year-olds listen, but they do. People would say, “Does she know,” and some of them would whisper it and some would not. And when she did know, they would ask, “Does she understand?” She didn’t, and when she tried to, she only saw that it made everyone else even more sad. “When’s Courtney coming home,” she would ask, trying to understand, that made everyone cry very hard, so after a few times she stopped asking, but she didn’t forget. She still wanted to know. Brad tried to explain it. He asked her what it felt like when she lost her favorite stuffed animal. That made some sense to her, but it made her mom very angry at Brad when Jackie told her. It still didn’t make complete sense. She eventually always found her bunny.

         As she grew older, she did understand, and for a while it was just a fact. She didn’t even remember much about the time before, so it was almost as if it had always been a fact. She’d just tell people. New playmates, teachers. “My sister is missing.” And when she understood more, she at last began to understand that her life, her family was different. She understood there was a before, and that it had been different than the now. Her parents were different people now. She knew it, and at times it hung over her. Her entire childhood and especially her adolescence was painted by the differences. She knew it, and at times she hated it.

         It’s not that Jackie was angry at anyone, though her early teens had been more of a struggle than perhaps for most. She didn’t blame anyone when she thought back on it, though she recognized in herself at times a feeling of resentment toward a sister she didn’t remember well and whom she consciously knew deserved no resentment, but the feeling was there anyway. There was a gulf between her and the rest of her family; there was grief she couldn’t fully share because they remembered it all, and she remembered only a little. It was no one’s fault. It was just another fact. She grew up with a ghost in the house, and that too was one more fact.

         Lynn knew that fact. It took what felt like a long time to realize it, but she knew she wasn’t the same person she was, and so she knew she wasn’t the same mother she was. That was true for all her children, but it was most pronounced for Jackie. There was nothing Lynn could do about it. She couldn’t will herself to be as free spirited; that wasn’t her anymore. She couldn’t allow herself to be as open; the worst of her feelings, the emotions and thoughts she didn’t want her children to ever know she had, were too close to the surface, always threatening to come out.

Lynn knew her kids now had a different mom. This mom was more protective; she was more tired, less fun, and harder to connect with. She didn’t like this mom as much as she liked the mom she had been.

Peter struggled in the same way, and he carried the added burden of knowing that like many parents, he had had a favorite and it had been his first born. Like many fathers, he doted most on his daughters, and this tendency had only grown as Ella had grown. When she went missing, he changed, and he knew he couldn’t be the same for Jackie. Not that he ever loved his other children any less, but the special relationship he had with Ella that had begun to replicate itself with Jackie disappeared. Even if Jackie never knew that, Peter did, and he never could forgive himself for it.

         Nor could Peter forgive himself for giving up hope. Lynn always believed they’d find Ella, though Peter long suspected this was just something she told herself she believed. Peter did not believe this. He wanted to believe it, but he couldn’t maintain the same fiction Lynn did, not to himself. With Lynn, he gave up the argument. Accepting that Ella was gone forever helped him to grieve and emerge on the other side, and he thought if Lynn did the same, it would be better for her, too. But she never did, and he gave up the argument. With his kids, he never tried. He let them come to their own conclusions, and when it was spoken of, he never contradicted their mother. He couldn’t do that to them, or to her. To him, this was a lie, and lying to his children weighed on him. Within the four walls of his home, he carried alone the burden of his daughter’s death, and it felt as though he were harboring a secret. With every breath the secret did not pass his lips, the burden became heavier.

         But in that hotel lounge, none of this broke the surface. It was all relief. Relief that their daughter and their sister was okay now, that whomever she had become, she stilled loved them. Relief that the reunion was a happy one, so far. But all this was just under the surface, and it all affected who Ella was to the five of them.

         They all knew inside that they didn’t know who Ella was, that everyone changes in two decades, and they didn’t know how she had changed. That no one disappears and endures what Ella had endured and doesn’t change, and they didn’t know how that had changed her. The no one goes to the dimension for long but that they change, and they didn’t know how the dimension had changed her. With nothing else to go on, Ella was still to them in some ways the 18-year-old she had been when she disappeared, but she wasn’t. She was an enigma, at the center of which was the question, why had she not contacted them?

         In their initial joy and relief, the question had been silently asked by all of them. Then they asked each other. Without an answer, they pushed back on the impulse to feel hurt, to be angry. You can only push for so long until you grow too tired. Muscles give out. They needed to know before that happened.

        

 

 

 

“It’s better than the hotel again,” Ella said to Stacy. “I’d rather have the harder conversation here than there.”

“On our territory,” Stacy said.

“Yeah.”

“Do you think it will be harder today?”

“We’re out of small talk. I can tell they want to ask why.”

“You don’t have to tell them.”

“I know. I still haven’t made up my mind.” She didn’t know what to tell them, but has also didn’t know how to put them off. She was glad Jamie would be there. She knew he’d stick up for her, if anything too much. His temper could get the better of him. Or maybe not this time. It was one thing to get angry with bigs or with other littles, and Ella’s family were littles in the eyes bigs, but to Ella and Jamie they weren’t. The we’re humans who hadn’t ever chosen to be adopted or to be seen as littles. Ella couldn’t recall ever having discussed how her family members felt about littles. A lot of humans looked down on people who chose to adopt themselves out. It was sensationalized in mainstream media, all the attention focused on the diaper fetishists that most people saw as sick.

Ella had no intention of bringing that up. She didn’t want to bring up the why, either. She only intended to introduce them to Jamie, show them her home. She hoped that would put them off, and maybe she’d never have to grapple with their hard questions, and maybe she wouldn’t have to grapple with her own. She didn’t believe that, though. She only wanted to believe it. If not today, than the next day or the next.  

[YourFNF]

Damn to many feels for the weird headspace I'm in right now... I need a drink....

[trans-baby-girl-shea]

Another great chapter.  I really feel for them all. I cant even imagine how hard it would be. Thank you again and keep up the good work 

[Sarah Penguin]

[littleTomás]

I worry that Ella's family is going to unintentionally hurt her. They want her to come home, but I don't see that as the best thing for her at this point. Granted, shortly after her rescue before she got established in Italia she could have gone home and found her place in the world. However, at this point she's built her life in Italia, not on Earth, and she would be majorly behind on education and job training, not to mention the challenges of living with a disability. I also don't think she would have access to quality health services like physical therapy unless her parents have good private healthcare insurance (I'm assuming that in Alex's world Ella is from the United States and that his version of the US has retained its dysfunctional healthcare system). Furthermore, could her parents even afford to pay for Ella to get an education? I would assume that there wouldn't be any scholarship opportunities that she'd qualify for. I mean she hasn't gone to school in decades.

[Alex Bridges]

9 hours ago, littleTomás said:

I worry that Ella's family is going to unintentionally hurt her. They want her to come home, but I don't see that as the best thing for her at this point. Granted, shortly after her rescue before she got established in Italia she could have gone home and found her place in the world. However, at this point she's built her life in Italia, not on Earth, and she would be majorly behind on education and job training, not to mention the challenges of living with a disability. I also don't think she would have access to quality health services like physical therapy unless her parents have good private healthcare insurance (I'm assuming that in Alex's world Ella is from the United States and that his version of the US has retained its dysfunctional healthcare system). Furthermore, could her parents even afford to pay for Ella to get an education? I would assume that there wouldn't be any scholarship opportunities that she'd qualify for. I mean she hasn't gone to school in decades.

I think Ella could find herself very rich in today’s environment. A GoFundMe and a tell-all book would make her wealthy, but I don’t think those are things Ella would want to do.

[the diaper mike]

Awesome chapter

[kerry]

A truly standout chapter, Alex. It surprised me when you came in with the focus on Ella's Earth family; I did not expect it at all. However, it proved to be just the puzzle piece that was missing in her story. As I said in an earlier post, I think it would be best for her to remain in Itali for all sorts of reasons. But learning about how her parents and siblings dealt with (or didn't, as the case may be) such a stunning and grievous loss both personalizes them and helps the reader to find some balance and not to see them as the enemy. I can't imagine the horror of this situation for all concerned. I hope that she decides to remain in Itali and to remain in touch with her birth family, but that is still to be seen.

[Alex Bridges]

1 hour ago, kerry said:

But learning about how her parents and siblings dealt with (or didn't, as the case may be) such a stunning and grievous loss both personalizes them and helps the reader to find some balance and not to see them as the enemy. I can't imagine the horror of this situation for all concerned.

Exactly! They’re victims, too, just trying to be happy again and make their family whole.

[Gentle Gemma]

On 12/10/2019 at 8:31 PM, Alex Bridges said:

She grew up with a ghost in the house, and that too was one more fact.

Uffta.  I lost my younger brother when I was very young.  I completely understand Jackie. The inner thoughts of what you wrote is very accurate. 

[SGTbaby]

I look forward to this next chapter 

[Alex Bridges]

Chapter 55, Part 1

 

Jamie looked himself over in the mirror again. He decided to untuck his shirt, then stopped, then started again, then tucked it back in. Amanda stood tight lipped behind him, Jamie’s fussiness wearing on her nerves. He started fiddling with his shirt again, and she reached out to take his wrist.

“You look fine, Jamie,” she told him once more. “It’s fine.”

“I’m nervous.”

“I know. It’ll be okay.”

“You don’t know that. I’ve never met a ... whatever Ella and I are, I’ve never met a partner’s family. And like this. I’m just ... ugh.”

“C’mere,” Manda said, lifting him from the vanity on to her chest. “When is the last time you met someone who didn’t like you?”

“I dunno.”

“Exactly. You might be Itali’s most well liked bear.”

“But I’m not sleeping with anyone else’s daughter here in Itali.”

Amanda still didn’t like hearing about that, and Jamie knew that but didn’t seem to care today. There was too much going on inside his head.

“And, he asked, “can we keep the bear talk to a minimum? They may not like littles.”

“They are littles.”

“You know what I mean.” The stereotype about littles back home is that they were weak for having left, or else perverted for wanting a little’s lifestyle, or else stupid for getting themselves into it. Jamie didn’t know how pervasive those attitudes were, but  they existed. The circumstances of Ella’s family may have mellowed their views on littles. Maybe they never had a negative view of littles. Or what had happened to Ella May have made them hate everything about the dimension, including the humans who went there. Jamie knew they might see him as a barrier to getting their daughter home, and regardless, they might view him as unfit for their daughter and sister for any reason or none at all.

“I’ll keep it professional,” Amanda said. She could feel how tense Jamie was lying against her chest. She patted his back. “Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?”

“Make them go away,” Jamie said quickly, as though the answer were ready to come out before the question was asked.

“Ella said things have been fine so far,” Amanda reminded him.

“I know. It’s just ...”

“I know. And I promise to be on my best behavior and to keep the little stuff to a minimum, but I want you to remember something today.”

“What?”

“You are my bear. You are a good bear. And a lot of people love you. Will you remember that?”

“Mhmm.”

“Are you ready to go?”

“Yeah,” Jamie said, sitting up. Amanda set him on his feet, and he went to get his sunglasses. As she watched him walk away, Amanda hoped everything would go alright, and she reminded herself that if things did get contentious, it really wasn’t her fight, and she needed to control her temper.

“You guys ready to go,” Becky asked when she got to the bottom of the stairs. She wanted to go, but Stacy thought three bigs in the room may be too much. Becky knew it was probably Ella who requested Manda come with Jamie. She knew Ella liked her more, and it didn’t bother her much. Still, she was the mom, and she wanted to be there for her little boy. And she liked Ella, even if she didn’t always understand her or appreciate some aspects of her. Becky knew Ella was important to Jamie, and she thought Ella had been good for him.

“Yeah. Just about,” Amanda answered, shouldering the diaper bag.

“Make good choices,” Becky reminded her daughter. 

“I will.”

“And call me if you need to.”

“I will, but I think we’ll be alright. What are you going to do?”

“I’m meeting Jane to go shopping.”

“Anywhere fun?”

“Bullseye.”

“So the not fun kind of shopping,” Amanda surmised.

 

——————————-

 

Amanda knocked on the door, and Stacy let them in. Jamie politely greeted her and made his exit to Ella’s room. He hadn’t seen it since the first meeting. He and Ella had discussed how she might change it to make it less of a nursery. A curtain had been hung around the side of the room with the changing table and crib, and that was all. Ella heard his footsteps.

“How does it look,” she asked as she came out from behind the curtain. It made Jamie think of The Wizard of Oz. That curtain didn’t work either.

“Um ... like you’re hiding something,” he said after deciding to tell the truth.

“I know. We just ran out of time. This was a quick fix. Makes the room seem small.”

“They’ll still think it’s huge.” Besides, he knew she wasn’t worried about them thinking she lived in a small room. “How are you feeling?”

“I think they may ask me why today,” Ella answered, looking away from Jamie.

“You don’t have to explain yourself,” he reminded her. Everyone reminded her of that. It was easy for them to say. It wasn’t their family, they weren’t a rescue, and they didn’t feel what she felt: guilt. She had her reasons, and she still believed them, but she felt guilty anyway.

“I know. I don’t know what I’ll do.” She took a deep breath and let it out. Jammie stepped across the room and hugged her.

“I’ll stick up for you if that’s what you need,” he reminded her again. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.” They parted.

“What are you planning on showing them?”

“Just the house,” Ella replied. “Might let Yogi upstairs.”

“Did you explain dogs to them yet?”

“No,” Ella answered mischievously. 

“That’s a little mean.”

“Eh. It’ll distract them from other things, maybe. And I want to show them you. They should know I’m not alone with bigs here. I have you.”

“Do you want Amanda in the room with us?”

“I think Stacy and her are gonna stay in the dining room. It’s time I faced them without Stacy.”

“What does Mary say about that,” Jamie asked.

“That I’m ready.”

“Do you feel ready?”

“Guess I’ll know when they knock on the door.” She took a step back. “When’s the last time you tucked in your shirt?”

“Christmas party, probably.” Ella didn’t tell him that while he looked nice, there was no hanging shirttail to hide his padded butt.

 

————————

 

Jamie was sitting on Manda’s lap when the door bell rang. He slid off onto the couch, and she resisted the urge to ruffle his hair. He took a deep breath, hopped down, and heard the door open.

“Come in,” Stacy said to the five of them.

“Thank you for having us over,” Peter said. There was a tightness to his tone, a distinct formality to it. Jamie remembered that tone from a long time ago when he made home visits. It was a false welcome.

“Hello,” Ella said. “Come in. We’re just in the living room, nothing fancy.” She walked in front of them, leading them into the foyer. “Do you mind taking your shoes off?” Stacy didn’t ever mind shoes in the house, but she’d had the carpets cleaned for this and wanted to keep them nice a little longer. Jamie stood there, not sure what to do with his hands, waiting for someone to appear around the corner.

Ella appeared first, followed by Lynn. They paused, and Lynn hugged her daughter again, a heavy hug as though she were still getting used to that again. The thrill of it obviously hadn’t lessened for her. The rest of the family appeared behind them, and Jamie could tell from their differing ages who was who. 

“Um, everyone,” Ella began, “this is James. Jamie.”

“Do you prefer ‘James’ or ‘Jamie,’” Brad asked, holding out a hand.

Jamie always went with ‘James’ when he met new people. It was something of an affectation as he really didn’t care, but he thought it would help warm things up if he said, “‘Jamie’ to friends and family, so please call me ‘Jamie.’” He shook hands, and then did the same with all of them. Andy gave Jamie’s hand just one pump; Peter made a point of smiling warmly, just like his effortful thanks at the door.

“Uh, this is my sister, Amanda,” Jamie said, stepping out of the way as though they wouldn’t be able to see her behind him.

“Your sister,” Andy said. “Interesting.” Everyone caught his meaning, and Jamie regretted his choice of words.

“Hello,” Amanda said. She didn’t shake hands, merely waved. There were seven unregressed humans in the room. Her professors and classmates would be beside themselves. Amanda felt a sense of being outnumbered; where that came from or why, she didn’t know.

“Shall we sit,” Ella asked. She surprised Jamie a little. He’d never seen her host. It was off putting, and he wasn’t sure why. So basically all of us are uncomfortable, he thought.

Her siblings squeezed on to the couch Ella used, while her parents managed to get into the chair next to it together. Ella and Jamie got on the regular sofa. To fill the silence, Ella said, “Took me two years to be able to do that on my own.”

After a beat, Stacy announced, “Amanda and I are going to be in the dining room if anyone needs anything.”

“Actually,” Jamie said, “I could go for a glass of Olnin.” He consciously used the brand name of the formula Stacy kept. He didn’t think Ella’s family would appreciate that he drank little formula just because it was called formula.

Ella looked at Jamie, seemed to think for a minute, and said, “Same, please. Would you guys like anything?”

“Water should be fine for us,” Peter said.

“Can I help you,” Jackie asked.

“No no, you just sit,” Stacy said. Jackie would’ve liked the chance to just get up for a moment and take a deep breath. The situation was wearing on her, as was being in such close quarters with her family for so long. She needed some space.

Things had become increasingly awkward behind closed doors. They couldn’t stay in Itali forever. They were all wanting some resolution, but no one was sure how to get there or even what a resolution was for them.

“So,” Peter said when the humans were alone, “how do you know my daughter?”

“We met at ...” He didn’t want to say ‘daycare.’ “I guess you could call it a club.”

“What kind of club,” Lynn asked.

“Just a place we hang out when our bigs aren’t around.”

“Daycare,” Andy said.

“Well, littlecare,” Jamie tried to say with a lilt to his voice to make it seem funny.

“And you’re friends,” Peter asked.

“Partners,” Ella said. “We’re a couple.”

“O,” Lynn replied. “Hmm.”

“We’ve been together four years,” Ella said, taking Jamie’s hand.

“Ella ... well, you might say Ella saved me, in a way. I was pretty lost when I got here,” Jamie said.

“O, are you a rescue, too,” Brad asked.

“No,” Jamie answered. “I came here voluntarily. Ella, um, really helped me to adjust.”

Stacy was back with a tray of drinks. She merely smiled and set the tray down, handing Ella and Jamie their glasses and setting the tray and water pitcher on the coffee table. She left.

With their better hearing, Stacy and Amanda heard everything. “This is like pulling teeth,” Amanda said. “It’s torture.”

“Don’t even get me started.”

“How are you holding up?”

“Fine for now. Ask me again in an hour ... Tell you one thing that would make me feel better is spanking Andy’s butt for him. He’s always so curt.”

“He’s angry.”

“I get it. I’m just tired of it. I just know he’s gonna be the one to turn the drama up to 11.”

[Sarah Penguin]

[kerry]

More! More! This is killing me!

[Gentle Gemma]

Mmmm. I wouldn't mind the drama being turned up to 11.  ?

[littleTomás]

2 hours ago, kerry said:

More! More! This is killing me!

Same Here! I want to know what happens. I'm worried about what's gonna happen next. I guess I'm just gonna have to suck my pacie and deal with it 

[Little Andrea]

Another wonderful edition, I can’t wait to see what happens next.

[the diaper mike]

I see a couple little is getting adopted in the future if they keep it up with the disrespect Awesome chapter please continue

[Alex Bridges]

Chapter 55, Part 2

 

Ella didn’t know what to say or do next, so she asked, “Would you guys like to meet my therapy dog?” She hid a smile.

“Sure,” Brad said. He was feeling that tug of responsibility to keep things pleasant. Virtually everyone likes dogs. Ella went to let Yogi up from the basement.

Jamie felt conflicted. He didn’t want to ruin Ella’s joke, but he remembered his own near terror meeting a dog for the first time. “Have you guys seen a dog here yet,” he asked.

“I don’t think so,” Brad replied.

“Just remember that they’re safe,” Jamie told them.

Ella came back into the room followed by all six hundred pounds of Yogi.

“Fucking shit,” Lynn exclaimed. She drew her feet up onto the chair as though she’d seen a mouse.

“That’s a bear,” Andy shouted. “You have a bear!”

“Awesome,” Jackie said.

“Her name is ‘Yogi,’” Ella told them. “Yogi, sit down ... sit down. Good girl. She’s very gentle.”

“Why did you tell us it was a dog,” Peter asked. He seemed uncomfortable, as though fighting the instinct to get his daughter away from the bear.

“This is what they call a dog here,” Ella explained. “They’re a little different than bears back home. Their teeth and claws are smaller. They’re friendly. You wanna pet her?”

“I do!” Jackie got up and walked excitedly toward Yogi, who turned and sniffed as she approached. The big animal lowered her head and took a deep sniff as Jackie held out her hand, then licked her knuckles. “This is so cool,” Jackie said as she ran her fingers through the deep fur of Yogi’s flank. Yogi let herself collapse, making the floor shake, and rolled over to expose her belly.

“See,” Ella said, “she’s just like Mr. Spinks.” She turned to Jamie and added, “That was our dog growing up.” All of them, even Lynn, got up to find out what it felt like to rub a bear’s belly. It made Jamie giggle inside, thinking of when Manda or Mel rubbed his tummy. In the kitchen, Stacy and Amanda discussed what they could do to help other bigs understand why so many littles were afraid of dogs. It seemed futile.

“Ya know,” Andy said as he got back on the couch, “Spinks has been gone a long time.”

“I know,” Ella said as she accepted Jamie’s help getting back onto the sofa. “He’d be what, thirty now? Don’t really have anything else I can show you, except my bedroom.”

Brad asked Andy, gesturing toward his sister’s glass, “Is that the same stuff people were drinking in the hotel bar?”

“Looks like it. Bit early for it.” He didn’t mean any judgment by it, but it was definitely too early to have a drink.

“It’s not alcoholic,” Ella told him. “It’s really good, though. You’d like it.”

“It looks like a vanilla protein shake,” Jackie said.

“It’s nothing like that. It’s ... have you guys tried little food yet?”

“We saw it on the menu at the hotel, but we figured it was like the kids’ menu or something.”

“It’s regular food, just with an extra ingredient that makes it especially good to us. Bigs actually can’t stand it,” Jamie explained.

“I’ll try it,” Brad said.

“Let’s all try it,” Peter said as though observing the rule to accept everything offered when visiting a strange culture.

“Hey, Stacy,” Ella called out, “Could you please bring in some formula for everyone, and maybe some little cookies.” To Jamie, she added with a giggle, “Not like they’re driving.” The comment made Jamie curious what it would be like to nurse and try to drive one of those battery-powered toy cars he saw some young kids in. It was a very naughty thought, and he knew it.

“It’s called ‘formula,’” Lynn asked.

“Yeah, it’s very nutritious. People use it as a meal replacement.” She didn’t mention that Stacy fed her a bottle of the stuff every night before bedtime.

“Like baby formula,” Andy said. Jamie pursed his lips and tweeted to get Yogi’s attention. He never could whistle. Yogi got up and put her giant head in his lap, and he scratched her behind her ears. Brad shot Andy a dirty look.

“I only had two more of Ella’s glasses,” Stacy said when she came in trailed by Amanda, “so these juice glasses will have to do.”

“That’s a juice glass,” Peter asked with a gentle chuckle. “Looks like a vase. Think we’ll need two hands.”

“And cookies,” Amanda said. She was wary of what their first little food might do to them all. She didn’t want seven littles hopped up on little food and all emotional.

Stacy looked at Ella and Jamie and asked, “Everyone alright?” That was the most subtle way she could think to ask about their pants, but she wasn’t sure if they understood.

“Doing fine,” Ella said.

“Just fine,” Jamie replied. The bigs excused themselves again.

“Should we toast something,” Peter asked.

“To family,” Brad said.

“Family,” everyone echoed. Ella and Jamie watched for what they were sure would be a precious reaction as they each took a tentative drink.

“O, mama,” Brad said as he shuddered and tilted his head back for another.

“You might not want to chug it,” Jamie said and was ignored.

“That’s good stuff,” Peter said. Lynn seemed to try to hide a smile, and Jackie settled back against the couch looking at her glass like it was a friend.

“I think we might have started something,” Jamie said to Ella.

“What was your first time with this like,” Ella asked him.

“I drank too much too fast and got a little sick just from the amount of it.”

“So,” Andy asked as he set his half full glass down on the table, “James, what made you decide to come here?”

“That’s a complicated question,” Jamie replied.

“Try,” Andy said. There was a jovial dismissiveness in his voice.

“If it’s not too hard, and if you don’t mind,” Brad said, “we’d really like to know. I’ll be honest, I never really understood the whole ‘little thing.’”

Ella reached out and took Jamie’s hand again. “It’s kinda private for a lot of people.”

“Hey,” Andy interjected, “I just realized something. You’re not - what do they call it? - regressed? Isn’t that what most humans here are?”

“Yes, and especially in Itali,” Jamie answered. “And no, I’m not regressed at all.”

“That’s interesting,” Peter said. “That’s gotta be different.”

“So back to the question,” Andy said.

“He doesn’t have to if he doesn’t want to,” Jackie spoke up.

“We’re just curious,” Lynn broke in. “We didn’t know much about all this until recently.”

Jamie took a deep breath and kept it as simple as he could without being dishonest. “I was a social worker. I saw some pretty horrible things in the years when I was doing it, and I guess I just got burnt out on it and decided I didn’t want to live there anymore. That’s all.”

“Hmm,” Andy said while the other nodded quietly.

In the dining room, Amanda heard it and wanted to run into the room and tell them all to mind their business. She knew she wouldn’t be so bothered by anything they asked or said if it weren’t her bear they were saying it to.

“Just kinda ran away from it all,” Brad said. 

Jamie didn’t detect any outward sign of judgement from Brad, and so he chose to answer politely, just like Peter chose to be so polite coming in the door. “Yeah. I did. I did what was best for me.” But he couldn’t help himself and added, “For once in my life.”

“Good for you,” Jackie said. “Can I see your room, Ella,” she asked.

“Sure.”

“We’ll stay here,” Peter said. “A woman’s room is private.” Jamie thought that was odd, but perhaps that was just Peter’s way. Lynn stayed where she was. Ella eased herself down, and her sister followed her down the hall. Jamie stayed behind.

Lynn leaned out and watched her daughters disappear around a corner. “So Jamie,” she began, “four years is a long time. Are you gonna propose to her?”

That was the least expected question she could’ve asked, and Jamie expected that kind of question from Andy or Peter if any of them. He was taken aback somewhat. He was being stared at harder than he had been at that reception at Manda’s school.

“Um ... dependent humans can’t get married in Itali. Or at least no one has tried, to my knowledge.” He took a drink and reached for a cookie. “Even better if you dip these in the formula,” he said, trying to change the subject.

Down the hall, Ella stepped into her room and said, “This is it.”

Jackie looked around, noting the strip of cute wallpaper in lieu of a chair rail and the cloud wallpaper where the walls met the ceiling. “It’s cute!”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Did you get to decorate it and pick stuff out?”

“Most of it.”

“That your bathroom?”

“Yeah. One of the few in Itali built to fit humans, except in hotels like the one you’re staying at.”

“What’s behind the curtain?”

“It’s just a room divider.”

Jackie looked around and took note of what she didn’t see. “Your bed behind there?”

“Yeah.”

“Ya know, I don’t mind little stuff. You don’t have to be shy about any of that around me.”

“Just ...” Ella paused. “I need some of that stuff now, physically, because of things the doctor couldn’t fix. It’s not like Stacy is forcing me.”

“Good. I mean, I wasn’t really worried about it, but I think everyone else is. Seems like you and Stacy really get along.”

“We do. We love each other. Probably seems weird after everything.”

“Or makes sense after everything.” She started to ask a question and stopped herself.

“What?”

“Nothing. Sorry.” There was an awkward pause.

“You used to have clouds on your wall like that,” Ella told Jackie, trying to fill the awkward pause.

“Yeah? I don’t remember.”

“Yeah.” Ella didn’t know why, but she kept talking. “Do you remember what I called you back then?”

“No.”

“‘Sunshine.’ Because you were always happy. You were such an easy baby.” Jackie didn’t say anything in response. She didn’t remember that, didn’t remember herself that way. Ella suspected she had touched a sore spot when Jackie didn’t respond. “I’m sorry,” she said.

“It’s okay.”

“No,” Ella said, “I’m sorry for ...” She choked up. “Everything that happened. I’m sorry for ... god, how ... I know it must’ve ... fucked up your childhood. Everyone’s life so badly.”

“It’s not your fault,” Jackie told her, starting to get choked up herself.

Ella couldn’t help herself. “You were such a happy baby. I loved you so much ... I’m sorry I wasn’t there. I missed you so much. I needed ...” Ella shook her head and covered her eyes with her right hand.

“It’s alright,” Jackie said as she took her sister into a hug. “It’s alright,” she cooed.

“It’s not,” Ella managed to squeak out. “It’s not alright. I can’t undo it.”

Jackie didn’t respond to that except by continuing to hold her sister and wiping the tears from her own eyes. Ella didn’t feel like a stranger to her. She didn’t feel like a sister, either. She felt like something else. Given enough time, she knew she’d feel like a sister, though. Time.

Ella broke the hug, her shoulders bent. She shook her head again.

“Would it help if I said I forgive you,” Jackie asked. It was a sincere question, but she hoped the way she said it might come across as at least a little humorous. “A shitty thing happened to all of us. It wasn’t your fault.”

“What am I still doing here,” Ella said.

“What?”

“What am I still doing here. That’s what everyone wants to know. I did that. I chose to stay. I chose to not come home. I chose to not contact you or even notify you. I did all that.”

Jackie stepped back and turned part way from her. She knew all of that. Ella was right. She did do all that, and they wanted to understand or at least to know why. It was a hell of a thing, and they wanted to understand. Jackie took a breath, held it, and let it out in a long sigh.

“Maybe you’d feel better if you told us your reasons,” Jackie suggested.

“Maybe.”

“If it helps, they’re your reasons. I can’t speak for all them, but I know what all of us went through was awful but still not as awful as what happened to you. I can’t judge you for it. They’re your reasons.”

Ella closed her eyes and sighed again. “Do you mind sending Stacy in for a minute. And Jamie.”

“Sure.” Jackie turned, and Ella reached out and grabbed her arm.

“I never stopped loving you. All of you. I love you still.”

“I know,” Jackie said as she turned back. “I know that. I ...” She hated this. She hated all of it so much. All these emotions and that history that wouldn’t untangle, wouldn’t come clean. “I don’t remember much from back then. I just remember a few times we were together. I loved you, too, then, and we never stopped loving you. We never will. I ... I’ll send Stacy in.”

Jackie left, and Ella sat down in the middle of the floor. She felt so full of emotion, she felt empty. Tired. She laid back on the carpet and felt the pressure in her sinuses from the tears. Jamie got to her first.

“Hey,” he did quietly. “What happened?”

Ella shook her head. “I’m gonna tell them. Before they even ask, I’m just going to tell them.”

“Okay,” Jamie said. “You know I’ll support you.”

“I think it might make me feel better, if I explain and they accept it. And if they don’t, maybe I’ll feel worse. Or not. I don’t know. I just need to say it.”

“Ell Bell, what’s up,” Stacy said as she knelt down next to her little girl.

“I need a change.”

“Okay.” She reached out and felt Jamie’s butt through his pants. “You’re wet, too.”

“I know.”

“Let’s just do this in the floor.”

While she was working, Ella told Stacy her decision. Stacy nodded first. “Okay,” she said, “your turn, Jamie.” She was obviously thinking. “Do you want me in the room with you?”

“Yes, but I think ... I don’t think you should ... You can hear everything anyway. You can come in if it gets hard.”

Stacy nodded again. “You’re a little pink down here Jamie.”

“It’s a sunburn.”

“Oh. How exactly were you laying in the sun,” Stacy asked despite herself.

“Pretty much like I am now,” he answered. That would’ve made them all laugh on a better day. “How’s Amanda doing,” he asked.

“You’ve got a great big sister, Jamie. I hope you remember to tell her that sometimes.”

“What did you guys talk about while I was in here,” Ella asked.

“Your mom asked if we’re going to get married.”

“Shit,” Ella said.

“No, well, I don’t know. I said littles can’t get married and changed the subject. Didn’t seem to faze them. We talked about dogs. We put Yogi back downstairs. He was making your mom nervous.” Stacy was done, and he sat up. “Ready,” he asked.

“Yeah.” She took a deep breath. Jamie held out his hand, she took it, and together, they stood up.

Stacy watched them walk away before dropping the diapers in the pail. She’d agreed to put Ella in disposables for these visits. They were more discreet. In a moment, she thought on all the reasons she had ever considered wanting a little and why she took in Ella. She’d agreed up front that Ella’s life was her own, that she could make her own major decisions. Now, watching her walk back to the living room, she wanted nothing so much as to do all this for her, to hold Ella in her lap, say what needed to be said, and dare anyone in the world to say so much as a cross word to her little.

Watching Ella and Jamie hand in hand, thinking on how independent Ella was being and how she and Jamie relied on each other, kept each other’s counsel, it came to her: they don’t really need us; we just want them to, and the ones who want to go along with it.

Part of her felt like a bad big, like she should be insisting on a more present and proactive role for herself in all this, in supporting Ella emotionally in these next moments, and part of her felt like a bad friend for letting what she wanted factor even into her thoughts about Ella, the conversation that was about to happen, and her future. She washed her hands and went to join Amanda again.

Walking into the living room, Ella wondered what Jackie had said when she’d returned. Everyone was back in their places. Ella looked at the sofa and pulled Jamie toward the carpet. He understood what she meant and with effort pushed the coffee table aside.

“Can we sit down here together,” Ella asked.

“Yeah,” Brad said first and slid off the couch. His siblings and parents followed, and they made a poorly shaped J on the carpet. Jamie sat to Ella’s right, and her mom ended up on her left. Jamie leaned over and kiss Ella on the temple, taking her hand into both his own.

“I ...” Ella froze. She didn’t know the right thing to say first. Her mind was blank. She looked at the expectant faces. Jamie smiled back at her gently.

“Just tell us,” Jackie quietly urged her. She felt after their moment together she had more license even than their parents to say it. It wasn’t reproachful. Merely a gentle push. Lynn reached over and patted her daughter’s thigh. Ella turned her head down and looked at her mother’s right hand.

“I used to dream about you,” she said. “All the time ... I dreamt about all of you. And when I’d wake up, you wouldn’t be there. Sometimes ... sometimes you were holding me, Daddy, in my dreams ... and when I’d wake up, it wasn’t ... it was ... one of them.”

Ella was crying. They all were. Stacy, too, and even Amanda, who’d cried when she first learned Ella was a rescue.

Ella shook her head, wiped her eyes, and sniffed deeply. “I hated ... I hated those dreams. Because they never came true. I gave up. I ... I wanted to ... I didn’t want to wake up anymore. Not ever again. I tried to stop eating, but they made me ... I stopped having the dreams. I made myself ... I made it stop because I ... it made waking up too hard.” She stopped again and sniffed deeply, and Jamie stood up and got the box of tissues from the coffee table. Ella blew her nose hard.

“Ella,” her father said through tears of his own. Ella put her hand up, silently, holding her breath to swallow down another sob.

“Just ... I need to finish first. I was never gonna be rescued. And then I was, and then I was in Itali. I was so ... It was like being born again. Starting over. And I was afraid ... It had been almost eleven years back home. You ... I was ...you must’ve thought I’d never come home. You must’ve thought I was dead. Eleven years ... that’s long enough to grieve. To ... to find a way to ... be at least a little happy. You ... I can’t imagine how hard it was for all of you. To get through that kind of grief.” Ella looked at her own lap, thinking back on how hard her own grief had been. But her tears had dried, at least for the moment.

Ella began again. “I didn’t want to take that away from you. I didn’t contact you because I didn’t want to make your grief start all over again ... I’m sorry. You deserve so much better. We all do, but ... this is the life we got. I didn’t want to ruin it a second time.”

Ella’s mother was so anxious to get up and take her daughter in her arms she seemed to vibrate as she shifted and rolled, coming to her knees and wrapping her arms around Ella from the side, pushing Jamie away without meaning to. Ella sat still, looking at the floor in front of her.

“You wouldn’t have,” her mother moaned, just barely below a wail, “you wouldn’t have!”

“I would,” Ella said quietly. “I would’ve. Because ...” 

She looked up at her mother, who sat back against her heels, and across at her father, who looked pale. 

“Because I’m not going back. Ever. I ... I couldn’t ...” 

Ella could no longer control her voice, her own great grief and guilt like their own waves through the aether merging with her confession. 

Ella lost all composure and turned, collapsing onto Jamie, who caught her and held her against his chest. “I couldn’t ... it would’ve been like finding me and losing me all over again. I was gone. Everyone had moved on ... I couldn’t break your hearts all over again. I’m sorry! I’m sorry. I wanted to so badly and I couldn’t. I’m sorry!”

Stacy stood in the entryway, watching, no less eager than Ella’s mother had been to comfort her, and now Lynn sat still, leaning on her husband who leaning back on her. Brad, Andy, and Jackie were silent, each in that blankness of new grief after it has wiped a mind clean, when it can’t hold both the grief and reason or memory. It can only process the now, all that past history merging with the present fact, the singularity of newly opened grief.

Jamie had his left arm locked around Ella, and his right hand was in her hair, pressing her face firmly to himself as he rocked back and forth.

Ella sat back up, bringing her hand to her face and pressing her fingers against her eyes, feeling the pain of her overfull sinuses pressing back.

Brad tried to speak first. When he opened his mouth, it felt so dry. The words caught in his throat. He tried to swallow, to try again. “Why are ... why do ...”

“Why do you want to stay here, after everything that’s happened to you? With them,” Andy asked.

Ella looked at her younger brother, and at her parents, and knew she was hurting them more. That she had done what she’d done to avoid exactly this, and that her words could only hurt them more,  it there was no point in stopping now. Weeping again, she answered, “My life is here,” she said flatly, quietly. “This isn’t Aidu. It’s safe here. My life is here. My ... my people are here ... I don’t want to start over ... Not again. Not a third time ... I can’t start over again ... It’s not in me.”

“Courtney,” her father asked.

“Ellafair,” she cut him off. That stopped his words, and after the silence, Ella asked him, “Do you remember that tombstone? Where we used to walk?”

Her father remembered. “When you told us you wished we’d named you that because it was pretty.”

Ella nodded, just barely, as she looked at that rotten stone, cracked and weather worn, green with moss and lichens under a canopy of wet leaves. She could see her own small feet in yellow rain boots standing over it still. “She died young, too.”

Lynn and Peter and Brad and Andy and Jackie all heard those words, and it hurt them all. Down deep where wounds don’t heal, it hurt.

“But ...” Brad began to say. He lapsed into silence. His big sister was still, all these years later, so many worlds away, still the best friend he had ever had.

“I know you can go to court to try to force me to go back,” Ella said. 

Stacy took a step forward and stopped herself. Amanda looked on. Stacy had rather Ella hadn’t said that.

Ella kept speaking, “Please, don’t ... Don’t make me have to fight you. Because I won’t. I won’t. I’ve done enough to you ... So don’t make me have to start all over. It would only hurt me, and a lot of other people besides. I’ve hurt enough people.”

They sat on the floor, and no one spoke for long minutes. Jackie and Amanda were the only two people in the room with any critical distance now, and Amanda didn’t have words anymore than the rest of them.

“I still,“ Ella began to say, “I never ... I stopped the dreams, but I never stopped loving you. I never stopped.” She turned and sobbed into her mother’s breast. As a family, they wept together. Jamie leaned back, looking from the six of them embracing and back to Stacy, frozen to her feet, and Amanda behind her, looking from the family to Jamie amazed and horrified and embarrassed.

“We love you no matter what,” Brad said. “No matter what.”

“I’m sorry,” Ella said, muffled by the arms around her. Ella couldn’t remember a time before now when the six of them embraced all at once. How good it might have been were it not for the grief. 

After they had lapsed into a calm tiredness, when everyone sat back and took stock of how awful they felt inside and out, Peter staggered to his feet. “I think it’s time for us to call it a day. We can ... we’ll talk more tomorrow. I think we need to ...”

“I’ll call for the shuttle,” Stacy said when she found her voice again.

And they waited in silence, too. They each hugged Ella at the door, it wasn’t like it had been just two hours or even fifteen minutes before. The exuberance was gone. They were too tired. Except for Jackie, who grasped her sister and whispered into her ear, “You’re so brave.” 

Stacy closed the door behind them all, and Ella turned back into their living room. All the glasses and cups. Ella crossed the room to the coffee table and tried to slide it back. She couldn’t.
 

Stacy crossed the room in two steps and lifted Ella from behind, turning her and holding her very tight. She sat on the couch. She was crying again, and Ella was not. Ella was looking backward into the middle distance again.

“Did that make you feel better,” Jamie asked.

Ella shook her head in a tight line from left to right and back again.

Amanda sat down in the chair. She felt powerless, a feeling Amanda was not used to feeling.

“I’ll stay the night,” Jamie said. “If you want me to.”

Ella nodded her head in a tight line.

“I guess I’ll go home and get some things for you,” Amanda said. Not that there was a rush, but it gave her a purpose. “Maybe bring you some food, too.”

Stacy said nothing. Ella was curled across her chest, and Stacy rested her head just above Ella’s. She didn’t say anything. She was looking into her own middle distance. She thought she should call Mary and the lawyer, but she didn’t want to move yet, so she kept staring ahead, letting Ella’s warmth and weight comfort her.

“I’ll let the dog out,” Jamie said. “He has to need to go by now.”

“Come sit with us,” Stacy said. 

Amanda let the dog out. She watched the three of them for a moment as she stood at the open door. “I’ll be back in an hour or two. Text me if you need anything,” she said.

[Alex Bridges]

1 hour ago, the diaper mike said:

I see a couple little is getting adopted in the future if they keep it up with the disrespect Awesome chapter please continue

Yeah, not so much in my stories. Kinda the point of the world I built. Glad you enjoy the work

[Guilend]

This, this was hard to read. I'm not good with all this sad emotions. I'm actually crying lol. It's a very good couple chapters and adds a lot to the story as a whole. Well done.

[Alex Bridges]

8 minutes ago, Guilend said:

This, this was hard to read. I'm not good with all this sad emotions. I'm actually crying lol. It's a very good couple chapters and adds a lot to the story as a whole. Well done.

Go find a stuffy to cuddle with. You’ll feel better.