Told The Fiance

[Jaine]

Hello everyone. I'm kind of new to these boards, but I've been visiting DD for quite a while now. I wanted to share my experience with you all and see if you had any suggestions for my situation.

Short background since this is my first post. I've been into diapers since I was very little. As a teenager I discovered cross-dressing and both have become a large part of my life. It's a love hate relationship really. Sometimes I love it. Sometimes I despise that I need it. Yet, the desires are always there and they don't show signs of leaving any time soon. I was also raised as a devout Christian.

I met a girl several months ago and we hit it off really well. We dated for a few months and then we decided that we wanted to get married. So that's all in process. She is also a devout Christian. I love her very much and I don't want to be alone anymore. I wanted her to know all about me before we married, so I wrote her a lengthy letter that described my desires and their history, as well as some essays from psychologists about those topics. She took it fairly well (she didn't run away screaming). She was confused and questioned why I'd hide something like that and why I wanted to tell her. She was able to figure that out on her own, and in the end, was happy that I'd told her about what she called "my bizarre behaviors". I am pleased that she knows and that she still loves me. However, she doesn't want that to be a part of our lives. She asked me to quit cold turkey and that is something I'm having a really hard time with. I agreed and she said that she would help me. Some of the reason I do this, the diapers especially, is because of childhood trauma. I don't know if diapers ever really helped me deal with that. She really wants to help me get past all of this and I'm willing to give it a try. I really hoped that she would, in some way, accept those as part of who I am. Perhaps it was wishful thinking on my part.

Does anyone have any experience with this kind of situation? Should I just wait and see if she becomes curious about those activities? Am I doomed to a life of self repression and psychological torture?

Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks in advance everyone,

Jaine

[BabyBuu]

You say she is a devout Christian, which sect is she apart of. so we can know how flexible she may be

[Necare]

Oh, the ever present perils of dogma, the ability of religion to instill shame and disgust regarding completely inncocent, non-harmful feelings. And sorry to say this, your wife seems to be in the front ranks when it comes to this matter, she seems to be a worthy proponent for the cause. So the vital question begs itself; will you let her? Will you let her trample all over facets of you that is deeply ingrained in your very psyche, in the illusion that this behaviour somehow should denote love?

Should you try to repress natural feelings in order to adjust to dead dogmas, in order to "be worthy" of her love, and God`s? And yes, I know that you mentioned that she still loved you after you had divulged the issue, but I can tell you it is not a love based on respect for the individual, it is love in the service of dogma, in the hope of altering the counterpart in the relationship. Of course in any relationship there is give and take, and one has to compromise in order to make it work as a whole.

But when it comes to the issue of one trying to alter facets of the other ones psyche as a result of an absurd preconceived idea that fetishistic, etc. behaviour somehow should denote sin( And yes, I know that you did not explicitly say that it was an issue about sin, but what other reasons could she have?), then that is entirely a different matter alltogether.

A matter that you should not take lightly, and should not accept. After all, if you most of the time are fine with your desires, who is she to come and tell you to "quit cold turkey", somehow implying a link between ones sexuality and giving up cigarettes? Are you really willing to repress something that gives you deep pleasures, in order to adjust to the narrow and enslaving confines of her interpretation of Christianity?

I`m sure there are quite a few women out there, that despite their belief in God, has still managed to keep a fairly balanced view in sexual matters, and ergo aren`t trying to alter the psyche of the loved one. This is a matter of respect for the individual, and from my point of view she has clearly shown none of that in this matter.

It is harsh words, I know, but my bet is that, yes, if you stick with her masterplan, the result will be repression, and psychological torture Do you love this woman so much that you are willing to undergo this pain for her benefit? Food for thought.

[Jaine]

You say she is a devout Christian, which sect is she apart of. so we can know how flexible she may be

We are both born and raised members of the Mormon church.

[Jaine]

Oh, the ever present perils of dogma, the ability of religion to instill shame and disgust regarding completely inncocent, non-harmful feelings. And sorry to say this, your wife seems to be in the front ranks when it comes to this matter, she seems to be a worthy proponent for the cause. So the vital question begs itself; will you let her? Will you let her trample all over facets of you that is deeply ingrained in your very psyche, in the illusion that this behaviour somehow should denote love? Should you try to repress natural feelings in order to adjust to dead dogmas, in order to "be worthy" of her love, and God`s? And yes, I know that you mentioned that she still loved you after you had divulged the issue, but I can tell you it is not a love based on respect for the individual, it is love in the service of dogma, in the hope of altering the counterpart in the relationship. Of course in any relationship there is give and take, and one has to compromise in order to make it work as a whole. But when it comes to the issue of one trying to alter facets of the other ones psyche as a result of an absurd preconceived idea that fetishistic, etc. behaviour somehow should denote sin( And yes, I know that you did not explicitly say that it was an issue about sin, but what other reasons could she have?), then that is entirely a different matter alltogether. A matter that you should not take lightly, and should not accept. After all, if you most of the time are fine with your desires, who is she to come and tell you to "quit cold turkey", somehow implying a link between ones sexuality and giving up cigarettes? Are you really willing to repress something that gives you deep pleasures, in order to adjust to the narrow and enslaving confines of her interpretation of Christianity? I`m sure there are quite a few women out there, that despite their belief in God, has still managed to keep a fairly balanced view in sexual matters, and ergo aren`t trying to alter the psyche of the loved one. This is a matter of respect for the individual, and from my point of view she has clearly shown none of that in this matter. It is harsh words, I know, but my bet is that, yes, if you stick with her masterplan, the result will be repression, and psychological torture Do you love this woman so much that you are willing to undergo this pain for her benefit? Food for thought.

This is the internal war I've fought inside myself for all my life. I don't know how either side can win. You do make a few good points though about her unwillingness to compromise. I want to have another chat with her after she's had some time to digest. I really wanted her to be somewhat accepting and understanding about what I've gone through in my life that has led me to this point. In an ideal world she'd accept me for who I am even if she didn't want to participate. I was hoping beyond hope that she'd encourage these expressions of my inner self. I don't want to wear diapers or female clothing all the time, but the need is diffinitely there to express this part of the time. Maybe I need to see another therapist and get their opinion. I want this to work, but I want to be allowed at times to express who I am without feeling like I've disappointed or disgusted her. I'm really torn about this.

[b0xer21]

man you're in a tight spot. it could go either way, but honestly...you can't 'cure' this type thing. every time i've tried i've been unsuccessful. its a part of you, i just hope she can accept it.

[Momma Rosie]

Paragraphs, Paragraphs. My eyes hurt <_

[seppuku]

Well, we know one thing is clear. This woman doesn't, and won't accept the diapers in any way, shape, or form. You end up with nothing but three basic choices.

1) Stop

2) Leave her

3) Hide it

All of those suck in one way or another.

You're basically left with "the woman, or the diapers?"

[Dill_Pickle]

This is the internal war I've fought inside myself for all my life. I don't know how either side can win. You do make a few good points though about her unwillingness to compromise. I want to have another chat with her after she's had some time to digest. I really wanted her to be somewhat accepting and understanding about what I've gone through in my life that has led me to this point. In an ideal world she'd accept me for who I am even if she didn't want to participate. I was hoping beyond hope that she'd encourage these expressions of my inner self. I don't want to wear diapers or female clothing all the time, but the need is diffinitely there to express this part of the time. Maybe I need to see another therapist and get their opinion. I want this to work, but I want to be allowed at times to express who I am without feeling like I've disappointed or disgusted her. I'm really torn about this.

I'll go with those who say you face a choice: the lady or the diapers. If you choose the lady, you choose death, the diapers, that's life.

I'll also say that I'm surprised, given that you are a mormon of one sort or another, that the lady is allowed any say in the matter, but maybe I have been reading too much about your most famous heretic and apostate, David Jeffs.

How is choosing the diapers and the transvestism choosing life? It's a part of you, and, like being gay, it is not something you chose in the first place and not something anyone has been observed to be successful at changing. On this basis, all of the main body of psychologists have decided that these oddities in and of themselves are not evil or things to be changed. Not that they won't try to change your behavior if the results are interfering with the rest of your life, such as getting you arrested, or shunned, or, in extreme cases, killing you -- but what they will be doing is trying to channel the fulfillment of the desires into more constructive directions. (The extreme example is autoerotic asphyxiation -- which kills about 100 people per year in the US)

If she can't give you enough space in the relationship to do these things that you need to do for your well-being, on your own, then know that the relationship wasn't a good one in the first place, but was based on something other than adult love, such as her preconcieved ideals received from her narrow upbringing. It is better to tell her that you cannot change yourself and that she can either accept the reality along with the wedding band or refuse the wedding band. If she cannot accept this reality, and you get married, it bodes ill for both of your futures.

Given your church, you may wish to prepare a more acceptable, but plausible, reason for calling off the nuptials -- this is an example of minimizing the social consequences of your state of mind-body. It also might be wise of you to see a non-church psychologist with your potential bride to discuss the issues -- I doubt that writings from the internet will ever carry sufficient authority with her. Another example to discuss with her is the episcopalian decision to allow openly gay bishops. The anglican communion is clearly doing this for what are seen as moral reasons, although it offends the more conservative members.

OK, nuff said...good luck, sorry the news doesn't sound good at all....

[shadows]

i dont mean to be rude but and i apologize in advance i just want to give my opinion. i think any one that says its a part of you and its something you cant change is just lying to them self in my opinion this is just like any other addictions just like fat people say they cant help eating so much its the way they are (sorry if i offend anyone by saying this i feel i have a right to be harsh about that i am a fat person myself) maybe a few people cant but the majority can and just dont want to and thats ok its there life its not hurting themselves or others but when it comes down to love or diapers come on is that really that tough of a decision i told my girlfriend and she was ok with it but still told her id stop if she wanted so would you rather lose the person you love or give up something you dont need first maybe you should talk to her though and see if there is any way she will accept that part of you then if not you need to make that decision and if you cant just stop and never go back tell her she sounds understanding and just tell her every once in a while you might need to then once you get used to that dont do it one time when you feel like you really need to and that will make it easier the next time thats the best way to get rid of an addiction but like i said if this is someone you want to marry and spend the rest of your life with then is this that hard of a decision really and thats part of relationships some times you have to sacrifice things i guess ive rambled on enough hope this helps ya good luck and hope you make the right decision

[Forever3]

I'm just going to say a breif* bit and be done with it, mind you, these are only opinions, and if anyone is offended, it wasn't my intention.

"Do not try and remove the splinter of wood from your neighbors eye, when you have a log in your own." -not the EXACT wording, you could probably tell me where it is in the bible-

Point being made, she is trying to show that she cares (albeit in an odd and kinda disturbing manner) by helping you with what she views as a "problem" when the "problem" never was one to begin with. I'd say, don't let her, compromise and work out an alternative. If you try and "quit cold turkey" then....well nothing good would come of it, you would just get into a binge and purdge cycle, and THEN have to be taken to a psycologist. Good idea with going to a non-church psycologist btw. All good points and advice so far.

Well, nuf outta me.

*ha-ha I made a diaper pun

[DL Dave]

I'm also a mormon. I understand your internal strugle a little bit. I have the same one. The way I'm looking at it (and this could be way off base) is simply this, is it wrong for women to use maxi pads? Is it wrong to use toilet papper? These are the questions I ask myself. If you view using diapers in the same manner, then they arn't realy so bad, are they. It's simply a matter of comfort. I'm afriad I can't help with the cross dressing. Although I do understand that alittle as well, I simply don't do it, and don't dabble or in it.

As for my wife, she's still adjusting. I've only become activly involved recently.

Niether of us were raised in the church, and between the two of us, I'm the dedicated one. Go figure.

anyways, there's notthing wrong with being true to your faith, infact I think that is more important than diapers. Or anything elts for that matter.

anyways I'd be glad to chat or e-mail if you like.

[superdiaperbaby]

I've got some advice for you. I am getting married to a wonderful women 5 months from now. We are both devout baptists. I told her all about my diapers in a long and lengthy email. Except I think you might have told her wrong. In my letter I told her things like - this is something that I have struggled with and I have finally found acceptance from God in this behavior. I mentioned my website and how I feel that God wants me to help those who feel trapped by this. See you have not put diapers in with your spirituality. That is the way to get them to understand. Diapers are tied in it with many object lessons such as humility, understanding, love for others, compassion on those different than you, complete dependence upon God for protection and many others.

I told my fiance that she has to understand that diapers are a blessing to me and that I will always want to wear them. Then I told her they are just another form of underwear. And I even told her that I wear diapers to bed most nights. So she understands what I wear. It is all about perception, especially with females. It seems to me that you have not fully accepted diapers as part of your life. She is seeing this and is choosing to use it to get rid of an undesirable behaviour. I also had to recognize to her that I know it is weird and that I will have to make sacrifices in marriage, such as not wearing every night. We will deal with it more in marriage.

Now I am just going off of her behaviour, but it seems to me that if she truly loves you she will take the good and the bad and not try to change you. Most women do try to change their man but as Christians though we are told to have the unconditional love the way Christ loves us. So my girl understands this and I do as well. I can't tell you it all as I am not yet married, but for now my girl accepts me for who I am. That was my number one point in my emails to her - understand that this is a part of me. It is not a "part" of me like a genetic thing, but a part of me that I have let become a part of me. I know I could change if I wanted, but I also know God desires that diapers be part of my ministry, because there is so much in the AB community that is wrong and so much confusion. I told my girl about how some of us go as far as suicide because of people not understanding. I told her about the persecution that we put on our own minds because we feel like freaks ourselves.

So my advice is that you need to reframe what you have already done. Both of you need to do some growing up. You need to accept diapers as something that you enjoy and don't want to quit, and she needs to accept this as well. You need to help her understand it all from the point of view as a blessing or diapers will end up hurting your relationship. Many times have diapers ruined relationships. I believe this is not the diapers fault, but the ABs fault for not totally accepting himself and not trying to get the girl to accept him, and the girls fault for not trying accept their man unconditionally. That is what unconditional love is about. I believe that is what marriage is about as well.

here is a link to my blog to help you get a Christian perspective on diapers:

http://intodiapers.blogspot.com

Good luck.

Super Diaper Baby

[lynniehyde]

We are both born and raised members of the Mormon church.

One of my nearest and dearest AB friends here in the Phoenix area is a devout Mormon. Wife, kids, a successful business in construction sub-contracting. Loves duck hunting up at Great Salt Lake every October. Doesn't drink or smoke. But, he just can't help it, he has to dress like "Little Bo Peep" every now and again. His wife understands that this is an integral part of his psyche and allows him the latitude to pursue his dreams. She just wants no active part of it, unfortunately. So, he's kind of a weekend warrior, so to speak. But, when he goes to war, he lets it all hang out. Even hangin' out with me on occasion.

Good luck to you and your relationship.

Cuddles,

--heidilynn

[Repaid1]

All some pretty good advice, I do have one question you list yourself as Transgendered. Exactly how does she stand on that "little" aspect of your life?

[Necare]

i dont mean to be rude but and i apologize in advance i just want to give my opinion. i think any one that says its a part of you and its something you cant change is just lying to them self in my opinion this is just like any other addictions just like fat people say they cant help eating so much its the way they are (sorry if i offend anyone by saying this i feel i have a right to be harsh about that i am a fat person myself) maybe a few people cant but the majority can and just dont want to and thats ok its there life its not hurting themselves or others but when it comes down to love or diapers come on is that really that tough of a decision i told my girlfriend and she was ok with it but still told her id stop if she wanted so would you rather lose the person you love or give up something you dont need first maybe you should talk to her though and see if there is any way she will accept that part of you then if not you need to make that decision and if you cant just stop and never go back tell her she sounds understanding and just tell her every once in a while you might need to then once you get used to that dont do it one time when you feel like you really need to and that will make it easier the next time thats the best way to get rid of an addiction but like i said if this is someone you want to marry and spend the rest of your life with then is this that hard of a decision really and thats part of relationships some times you have to sacrifice things i guess ive rambled on enough hope this helps ya good luck and hope you make the right decision

And whatever happened to punctuation, I wonder? And nope, if anyone is lying to himself, it is surely you, who continue to foster the great illusion that this lifestyle/fetish etc. is something to be easily disposed of, like the need for cigarettes or fatty foods. According to your logic then, homosexuality etc. also fit the pattern of addictive behaviour, not? And all one has to do, is to make a little effort, and it will all go away? Ha, ha, that is a good one, to equate paraphilias with addiction, one solution for two widely diverging problems. Dream on, or wake up.

[b0xer21]

i used to question if diapers were "ok" by Gods standards. then i realized they were diapers, and then i realized they were diapers. if the God i serve has a problem with diapers...then i'll accept whatever cure he has to offer. other than that...i couldn't imagine them being morally wrong.

[SoCalAB]

Hi Jaine

I am not sure what the Book of Mormon says about this but I can tell you that the doctrine of Christianity is one of GRACE. If your diapers are not placed between you and your God there should be no problem.

My wife and I are both Born Again Believers and we have no problem as long as we stay focussed on the LORD.

I applaude you for your courage in communicating this with your fiance and wish you both a long and happy marriage.

Stay Pampered

SoCalAB

[Morv]

Oh, boy. Let me number my thoughts.

1) Yay, Christianity makes another person feel guilty, and guilty without much due cause. *pumps fist* That's what I look for in a religion, guilt. Yay. (I am Christian myself, but somehow I've managed to pick up an awful lot of the "love thy neighbor" and not so much of the "repent, repent, repent."

2) Yes, punctuation and paragraphs are good things. I tend to not read long blocks of run-on sentences. If it is important enough to share, it should be important enough to make sure it is easily read.

3) Now, on to the actual issue... What exactly is her problem with it? Right now I think the two of you need to delve into her feelings and emotions. Does she need a big, strong man? Is she worried you're going to be someone other than who she thinks you are? Reassure her that this is the person she's been dating, and that this person will not be changing.

4) Negotiate. Remind her that there may come a day that there is something she loves dearly that you might dislike, and that if when that day comes she wishes for you to have compassion and understanding, and to be willing to learn, and find a middle ground, then maybe she should do the same for you right now. Does the Gospel of Luke not also record Christ saying, "And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise?" (That's the King James version, the wording may be different in other translations, but if you are so devout, you may recognize that as Luke 6:31.) But also remember that if you do get her to negotiate that it does not mean that she should hold it over you whenever she wants something from you.

[BoTox]

As a non-believer in organized religion, I don't feel all that authoritative on the matter but I've always got an opinion that I'm dying to have everyone hear.

I'm not aware of an 11th commandment that says Thou Shalt Not Wet Thy Self or a 12th that says Thou Shalt Not Wear Absorbent Underwear so there doesn't appear to be an biblical sanctions against it.

Heck, most Muslims wear diapers... on their heads.

[diaperpt]

I consider myself a person of faith and am very involved with organized religion. Yes, your fiance's faith may have something to do with this here, but I frankly think the emphasis may have been misplaced here. Maybe she just doesn't like the idea of a relationship with someone who wears diapers. It may or may not be masked in the whole 'church' thing, but that may not be the real issue at all.

This doesn't help you solve the problem, but neither does all the bashing of religion. I hope that now its out in the open, you can talk it through and come to some good resolve for the two of you. It may help to talk out whether wearing diapers is 'an abomination to the Lord' the way so many feel about homosexuality (though let's not get sidetracked!!). While many look at being an AB/DL as being something which is NOT a choice and just MUST be genetic and thereby unchangeable (pun not intended, but will be left there), I'm not sure this is going to be scientifically studied anytime soon. If your fiance is not willing to budge on the issue of your preference for diapers, then you've got to make a decision.

Some people have given me good advice on how I could talk to my wife (and grown children) about my wearing diapers - it all makes very good sense, including the idea that "if she really loves you, she'll accept your needs." BUT, sorry...I just think there are some people who are not going to accept our desired behavior.

I do hope your fiance is not one of these and that you can work out a good relationship and failing that, that you can come to terms with either a) quitting the ab life or b)getting on with your ab life without your current fiance.

May God be with the two of you as you negotiate this (and hopefully other and more important) issue.

diaperpt

[loopy]

Heck, most Muslims wear diapers... on their heads.

*Sign* It's sikhs that mostly wear Turbans. Never seen a majority of muslims wearing them, infact never really seen any muslims wearing them.

[lynniehyde]

"If she can't give you enough space in the relationship to do these things that you need to do for your well-being, on your own, then know that the relationship wasn't a good one in the first place, but was based on something other than adult love, such as her preconcieved ideals received from her narrow upbringing. It is better to tell her that you cannot change yourself and that she can either accept the reality along with the wedding band or refuse the wedding band. If she cannot accept this reality, and you get married, it bodes ill for both of your futures." --Dill Pickle

Absolutely. Positively. Bravo!

Cuddles,

--heidilynn

[pampermeinia]

"If she can't give you enough space in the relationship to do these things that you need to do for your well-being, on your own, then know that the relationship wasn't a good one in the first place, but was based on something other than adult love, such as her preconcieved ideals received from her narrow upbringing. It is better to tell her that you cannot change yourself and that she can either accept the reality along with the wedding band or refuse the wedding band. If she cannot accept this reality, and you get married, it bodes ill for both of your futures." --Dill Pickle

Absolutely. Positively. Bravo!

Cuddles,

--heidilynn

I never believed i would agree with you but, I do.

[Vic]

I've been where you are Jaine, and I have to tell you I've been there three times. I divulged my AB/DL side to each of my fiances (ex wife one, two, and three, not all at the same time) every time I explained my situation they agreed that it was okay, however, I could sense that they wanted to change me.

That was the point where I should have called off the wedding, because it would have saved the both of us a lot of trouble. Yes I've gone the "cold turkey" route, because (after we were married) they said that it was too different from the "norm" for them to accept. They had felt that they could "change" me.

Truth is, if you want to change somebody, then you don't really love them, you love the idea of what you MIGHT be able to make them become, and that my friend is wishful thinking. That is fantasyland and denial.

The sad truth is this, "YOU ARE WHO YOU ARE". Quitting the diapers and (for you) the crossdressing is an impossible task my friend, as those desires are NEVER going to leave you, whether you "quit cold turkey" and pray about it, fast and pray some more, try to "phase them out" whatever, the itch is still going to be there. I'm speaking from experience, believe me.

I'm not a religious person, I'm a spiritual one. My family was mormon, but I've also gone to the catholic church, the baptist church, and some others. Religion is not for me bacause I didn't feel God's presence in those churches. I have found God in many other ways and I do pray to God all the time. I've found that for me, God is all knowing, and all loving, pure love is unconditional, and that's what Gods love is, unconditional.

If your fiance cannot accept you for who you are, save yourself and her from a lot of pain and anguish and resentment and call off the nuptuals. Believe me when I say that it will spare you both a lot of pain. A marriage built upon these conditions that you "change" will not last. I've wanted to rid myself of these desires so many times in my life, but the truth is that they are a part of you, and they are NOT going to go away. There is no "cure" just look at yourself and you'll know it's true.

Do not marry a person who thinks you can "change", because she honestly does not love you unconditionally. You have to have unconditional love for a marriage to work. Yes there is a lot of adjusting and compromise that goes into a healthy relationship, but you cannot compromise away a part of who you are. It just can't be done. It will ruin your marriage and you will develop deep resentments for her, and she for you, and ultimately your marriage will end badly.

Consider what I have said, remember I have been there, not just once, but three times. I have finally found the woman who accepts me unconditionally. She doesn't put strings on her love, and we love each other very much. We still have problems, as everybody in a relationship does, but we face these problems together.

Vic