Should I Ask ?

[baby kalie]

So, for about a year now I been really wanting to know my birth father. I don't know his name nor have I every met him. My mother never spoke about him and pretty much pretends that he dosnt exist. I feel kinda silly in away because I feel like if he didn't want to have anything to do with me I should just leave him alone, right? But I can't.

I'm not really expecting anything in return if I meet him, nor will I be disappointed if he turns me away. I just feel it's something I have to do.

I don't know how to go about asking my mother about him. Any ideals on how to ask my mother or do you think I should just drop this?

Thanks

[jbz2079]

I would start by asking your Mum and if she is willing to talk about it, see where it goes from there.

[lukeout]

Ask your mom, but i'd say make sure you do it in a way where she doesn't feel offended about it.

and if you're really okay with your Father possibley not wanting contact that i say go for it.

[sarah_ab]

also you could bring it up in a way like i was curious about my genetic background or if any illness runs in your family esp. if you are considering having children it is a completely valid question .... you could ask her if she knows anything about his family or if she would be ok with you contacting him .....

be prepared that she might become upset or angry because there could be soke very good reasons for her having split up with him and for her not wanting you to know anything about him ..... if she stays reluctant to speak about him i would not push it ....

you could also ask any aunts/uncles or grandparents if they remember him or his name from there its amazing what you can find on the internet

[baby kalie]

Thnx You guys I really apprieciate it.

[Rihanna]

The genetic background is very important! I have a friend who searched for her "real" dad for years. When she found him, she was pretty much rejected by him and her step siblings. I will give him credit for answering her questions. She still talks to him a couple times a year, but it is a very strained relationship. The step mom has not been told of the situation. lol

@baby kalie, I feel for you & support you. I wish I could do more to help you. As above, you need to press your mom for the info. It may come down to a "heated confrontation" but you really need to get the info.

[baby kalie]

The genetic background is very important! I have a friend who searched for her "real" dad for years. When she found him, she was pretty much rejected by him and her step siblings. I will give him credit for answering her questions. She still talks to him a couple times a year, but it is a very strained relationship. The step mom has not been told of the situation. lol

@baby kalie, I feel for you & support you. I wish I could do more to help you. As above, you need to press your mom for the info. It may come down to a "heated confrontation" but you really need to get the info.

Th genetics backround is a good ideal but I'm not having any kids anytime soon and my mums knows that.

So, I don;t know if I can get away with that. I have some other concerns to. I have a older sister and she seems to be content on not knowing our father. now I'm worried that I might hurt some of my family if I pursue this.

[Rihanna]

Th genetics backround is a good ideal but I'm not having any kids anytime soon and my mums knows that.

So, I don;t know if I can get away with that. I have some other concerns to. I have a older sister and she seems to be content on not knowing our father. now I'm worried that I might hurt some of my family if I pursue this.

The genetics is a concern for your current & future health! Having a kid and wondering what you may be "passing on" is secondary.

Have you talked privately with your older sister? I would think she might also have genetic concerns.

My friend did "hurt" some of her family when she pressed to find her dad. Kinda fortunately, she was in her late 30's when she found him and we all supported her.

I'm guessing that you still live with mum.(?)

What I'm saying/suggesting is that you may have to wait some years until you're out on your own & self supporting to pursue this further.

Luv ya and wish you the best.

[baby kalie]

The genetics is a concern for your current & future health! Having a kid and wondering what you may be "passing on" is secondary.

Have you talked privately with your older sister? I would think she might also have genetic concerns.

My friend did "hurt" some of her family when she pressed to find her dad. Kinda fortunately, she was in her late 30's when she found him and we all supported her.

I'm guessing that you still live with mum.(?)

What I'm saying/suggesting is that you may have to wait some years until you're out on your own & self supporting to pursue this further.

Luv ya and wish you the best.

Thanks Rihaana I really appriecate the support and advise. =)

[Rihanna]

Thanks Rihaana I really appriecate the support and advise. =)

You're very welcome. I will be here for you as long as possible.

[Honu]

Baby Kalie

Us guys can at times be not so different than you. Maybe your father welcomes the opportunity to meet you and get to know you. If you make it about getting to know him, you'll see the best side of him. With a little time, patience and letting him be the focus of attention for awhile, I'm sure that he'll open up and want to know more about you.

You don't know his side of why he's not there and while he could be someone that didn't anything to do with a child, he may have changed and you're not a child anymore.

Yes, there are very important genetic details you need to know from him. There could also be a warm and rewarding relationship there too.

Wishing you success,

Honu

[baby kalie]

Baby Kalie

Us guys can at times be not so different than you. Maybe your father welcomes the opportunity to meet you and get to know you. If you make it about getting to know him, you'll see the best side of him. With a little time, patience and letting him be the focus of attention for awhile, I'm sure that he'll open up and want to know more about you.

You don't know his side of why he's not there and while he could be someone that didn't anything to do with a child, he may have changed and you're not a child anymore.

Yes, there are very important genetic details you need to know from him. There could also be a warm and rewarding relationship there too.

Wishing you success,

Honu

Yea, I think theres more to the story then he just didn't want to be there. My mom told me one time that she had this sports car and some how it got wrecked by her boyfriend. I almost positive she was tlking about him.

Thanks for the advice Honu

[Yvhuce]

As someone who's adopted, I sometimes ponder this sort of thing, as well... And I commonly run into the problem with having to explain "I'm adopted" to medical professionals wanting to know my family history. Be it the eye doctor, or a medical check-up, or my psychiatrist's assistant... I wish you well with whatever choice you make.

[D_Rainger]

Here in the states you are entitled to a copy of your birth certificate if you know the state and/or county you were born in. If you were not adopted the certificate should list both parents. Perhaps there is something similar that is available in Great Britian. I have had real good success tracking people down for genealogical purposes using this method. This way you don't even need your mum.

-DR

[baby kalie]

Here in the states you are entitled to a copy of your birth certificate if you know the state and/or county you were born in. If you were not adopted the certificate should list both parents. Perhaps there is something similar that is available in Great Britian. I have had real good success tracking people down for genealogical purposes using this method. This way you don't even need your mum.

-DR

I was born in the states and i wasn't adopted. As far as my birth certificate goes only my mothers name is on it. I havn't asked my mother yet I'm trying to muster up enough courage to do it. so, wish me luck.

[sarah_ab]

Ok let me clarify... i wasn't saying you actually care or have an interest in your genetic background.. i meant that it could be an excuse to bring the topic up to your mother who may otherwise be unwilling to discuss the issue..

Honestly there is nothing wrong with being curious about who your biological father is, but your mother may have her own very personal reasons for not wanting to remember him, or perhaps he was very abusive etc... and that is why she cut any contact between him and his children... there are ohh so many reasons for her actions... and its important to remember when bringing the topic up she may be defensive and refuse to talk about it.... she may also begin to think "what i'm not a good enough parent for her?"... because those thoughts do enter into parents minds..

which is why i suggested asking other family members if your mother is unwilling to give you any information, aunts or uncles or grandparents may have a name for you.

and yes in the USA a woman does not have to put a fathers name on the birth certificate.

[baby kalie]

Ok let me clarify... i wasn't saying you actually care or have an interest in your genetic background.. i meant that it could be an excuse to bring the topic up to your mother who may otherwise be unwilling to discuss the issue..

Honestly there is nothing wrong with being curious about who your biological father is, but your mother may have her own very personal reasons for not wanting to remember him, or perhaps he was very abusive etc... and that is why she cut any contact between him and his children... there are ohh so many reasons for her actions... and its important to remember when bringing the topic up she may be defensive and refuse to talk about it.... she may also begin to think "what i'm not a good enough parent for her?"... because those thoughts do enter into parents minds..

which is why i suggested asking other family members if your mother is unwilling to give you any information, aunts or uncles or grandparents may have a name for you.

and yes in the USA a woman does not have to put a fathers name on the birth certificate.

I know Sarah, and that whats worries me so much . I don't want her to think she's a bad mother or I want to replace her in any way. I really don't want to harm anypne by doing this, especially if he was abusive to her, and now I starting to quetion is it even worth it .

[tcc]

I am adopted. My adoptive parents ARE my parents. I am grateful I was available for them and they chose me. I really could care less who my biological parents are, as my bio mother knows I was the product of an affair between a boss and his secretary. I would not try to find my bio parents - in Michigan, my original birth certificate is sealed in the state capitol - and I have little desire to delve into the situation, which would require a court order to unseal the records. Doing that would hurt my adoptive mother deeply. My sister found her birth mother living just 2 miles from her, and ended up being the only one adopted out out of ELEVEN children, total. The end result was only "fair".

Actually, it's a female thing in most cases to do the search and find birth parent(s). Good luck if you do search. There was a reason your father is not there now.

All of us have hopes and dreams for "warm and fuzzy Kodak moments" and a "Norman Rockwell life". Even in families that are whole, and total bio, things don't always go well. What adoptees find, at times, is less than what they had hoped. There was a fable regarding "Pandora's Box". For me, I choose to leave it alone.

Again, good luck to you if you can't leave it alone, and appreciate what you DO have. Just my .02 cents...

[lilJester]

you have the right to know who your father is. everyone does.

[babyvr6]

I think I can relate to you. I never knew my father, and my mother certainly didn't do anything to help the situation. She very rarely talked about him. And when she did it was negative.

My step father is my dad. He raised me, supported, and loved me as his own. He has been there for me, and still is. They are my parents.

BUT, I still had to go and find my bio father. It was just something I had to do. It was for myself. It's kinda hard to explain why if you've never been in this situation, but I'm sure the op knows what I'm talking about.

Well I decided that it was time, so with my newly wed wife as support, we went and tracked him down. I knew he was still in the area. And I knew how to get a hold of his friends and family. Long story short, 3 hours later, I was standing on his door step. I knew immediately it was him. And he knew who I was. He invited us in.

I told him about my life, and he told me about his. I asked him some very hard questions, and he answered them. Then we left.

I like to think I'm a tough guy, all things considered. And truth be told, I am a very emotionally reserved, analytical individual.

But I didn't make 10 feet out the door before breaking down and crying. It was very powerful night. It shook me to the core. Up to that moment I never knew how much of who I was, was based on me not knowing my father.

Since then I've come a long way. I've seen him a few times since, and I really should see him more. I still have questions for him.

All in all, I say go for it. Do what you can before it's too late.

[baby kalie]

Tnx again everyone, especially babyvr6.

I Made my decision and I'm going to ask my moher about him and hopefully meet him. I decided on this because I don't think I can keep going through life without knowing. I definitely don't want to wait to long and something unfortunate happens and then I will never get the chance to meet him.

[Rihanna]

Tnx again everyone, especially babyvr6.

I Made my decision and I'm going to ask my moher about him and hopefully meet him. I decided on this because I don't think I can keep going through life without knowing. I definitely don't want to wait to long and something unfortunate happens and then I will never get the chance to meet him.

Kalie, I think you made the right decision. I support and will be here for you (Barring further week long computer crashes. ) Keep us posted. Luv.

[redneck diaper boy]

As an adopted child myself, I say find out as much as you can about yourself and biological family background. If you are genetically prone to anything, your doctor can keep an eye on it.

[baby kalie]

I recently ask my mother and she told me she'll think about giving me his name and his information. So i'm hoping to get an answer by the end of next week or the begining of the week coming up. =)

[Rihanna]

I recently ask my mother and she told me she'll think about giving me his name and his information. So i'm hoping to get an answer by the end of next week or the begining of the week coming up. =)

Keep pressing Kalie.

I don't remember how much I said above or privately, but it took some ten years for a friend to find her father. Her mother was not co-operative. She finally found him and got the genetic info she needed. They have a very strained relationship. She only talks to him two or three times a year. Except for one step brother she has been in regular contact with, none of her other siblings, step mom, or grandparents even know about her. (Her dad won't tell them.)

I recently found out she cut relations with the step brother. He turned out to be as big or bigger drunk than her ex husband is. She is sweet. No one needs to put up with drunks. Don't ask about how I was in the process of "dumping" my late spouse before passing from drinking and heart disease.