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RambleLamb
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Why am I still here? Why did I survive? Why can't I give up and let go, to end this pain once and for all? All I want to do is die but I can't do it.
I think about them and I cry or rage. I think about being stuck in this fucking chair forever and I cry and I rage. I hate everything and want to be alone to die but then I think about how I just want to have someone hold me and take care of me and make everything better.
There is so much darkness inside me that I feel nothing but the worst emotions. I wish I hadn't survived.
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I don't know what to say... I could talk about survivors guilt throw around technical terms but none of that makes a difference in the moment makes the pain any less. All I can say is that I'm here in any way I can be for you and that honestly I'd probably feel the same way if I was in your position.
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I wish there was a way I could take some of your pain away and help you through this. You have had such loss, grief, and despair lately that of course you are upset, outraged, and in severe shock. I don't think you can work through any problems right now emotionally or physically without the medical profession trying to offer you some healing and solace in all the ways that they can.
This hurts to see you in so much pain and not be able to help. I have a question. I don't know if you will answer, but maybe you will, Ramble. Why do you say you will never walk again .... Did the doctors tell you that you will not be able to use a prosthesis? or is there paralysis?
I cannot imagine the pain, grief, and suffering you are going through. Too many losses in such a short time, and you are going through the agony of emotional and physical grief. Please don't give up.
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The feelings you are experiencing are normal. This is a normal reaction to the things that have happened to you. It is okay for you to be sad, it is okay for you to be angry, it is okay for you to mourn and grieve. It's normal for you to not want to have to deal with all of that suffering. It's normal to want solitude and closeness at the same time, humans are complicated that way.
I'm sorry it happened. I'm sorry you hurt.
Bad things happen to good people, and I'm sorry.
But I'm glad you survived. I'm glad you're still with us. I'm glad you're still you. I love you for the person that you are, and I've never seen you. You can make it through this. I know you can.
I'm proud of you, for how strong you are - even if you don't feel strong right now. I'm proud of you for fighting. I'm proud of you for coming back and posting again, even though I'm sure some small part of you told you not to. You have a community here, we love you no matter what, and we're all cheering you on.
