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  2. Little in Seattle

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    • I’ve never brought up diapers in therapy, but am starting to think from this conversation that my desires could come from some childhood trauma. I think I struggled with potty training and with how my mom was there could have been shame involved. I really don’t have memories of it other than one day I had underwear and got in trouble when I had accidents. I don’t think I got Pull-ups as looking into the history they didn’t start making those until I was at the older end of potty training age, though I think in the late 80’s people tried potty training at a younger age. I know in other aspects as I got older I was the “golden child” in an unhealthy dynamic with my mom and younger sisters. I’m starting to think that diapers are something I associate with the grace I didn’t get but needed growing up. Pull-ups especially because I see them as an extension of that grace needed for potty training. I feel like I could go off on another tangent about how I think what is standard for potty training has changed since my childhood.    but anyways, I really think I’m overthinking this and just need to do it if I’m going to go 24/7. I’ve been chatting with the community more and seeing how normalized it is and that is helping me get over some of my nerves. I will still have to figure a few things out doing this, but overthinking about all of it right now has been stress me too much. I am already thinking about starting again at going 24/7. I think part of doing it is going to involve failing and starting over again which very much falls in line with things I’ve been personally working on.
    • No @NjoNjo056, Paul's entire time at Kim’s will all be released this weekend end.
    • Fascinating. I didn't realize you could write stories that way. I checked your link and saw the progress, very interesting.
    • 7   "Look, mom, Look!" "I'm busy Liam" "But look mom, look!, he's really getting it! She turned her head and looked "look, mom!....................LOOKOUT! Jenny rudely tore out of sleep, sweating heavily, looking disoriented around her dark bedroom. Panting, she looked at the clock next on her bed-stand. To early to get up. Sighing she let her head fall back on her cushion, sleep didn't come easy the rest of the night. ------------------ Jake woke early. The house was still silent and he couldn't detect any smells from the kitchen yet. He tried dozing some more in the nice feeling warm bed but got quickly bored. Stepping out of bed he doubted what to do. Should he take his diaper off himself or did he had to wait for Mrs. Miller. She might not like that. Deciding that he should wait a little longer he started exploring the room, hadn't had a change to do that! He walked over to the dresser first. The sagging diaper between his legs caused him to waddle a little and the pants rustled with with a swooshing sound every move.. Opening the drawers one by one he discovered heaps of neatly folded diapers, Pins which he opened and closed, finding out how the locking thing worked. He opened the jar of cream which Mrs. Miller had smeared between his buttocks, could feel it still!, and smelled at it. Next he discovered lot's of plastic pants. Some plain white as he was wearing but also lots with prints, cars and animals, in cheerful colors. The bottom drawers delivered two stacks of clothes. One with pajamas that, as he took one out was one piece, top and bottom with feet together with a zipper, again with colorful designs of rockets this time. The other was a stack of what seemed t-shirts, but they were longer and had buttons on the bottom rim which could be clicked together. In the middle. Putting everything back he turned his attention to the chest. Lot's of soft plaything's and animals but it seemed it was all meant for a child younger than himself. Nothing like the building stuff he had his hands on yesterday. The books! Jake liked to read and, picking one from the stack on the desk, flopped on his belly on the bed again to lose himself in the words, until he heard the door open and Mrs. Miller greeted, washed and clothed him, just like yesterday. ------------------- "Jake, almost time for lunch, young man, let's see how you're doing." Miss Marianne, as he was told he could call her, shoved a chair next to where he was sitting at a desk in one of the corners of the large central room of the daycare. Jake showed her the writing, math and history assignments he worked on this morning. He had been able to concentrate on the work far better than normally at school, despite the constant noise and chatter in the room and the occasional toddler who came up at his desk to show a toy, only to be ushered quickly away by one of the staff telling him or her to leave him to his studies. Miss Marianne inspected his work meticulously. "Well, that looks very good. You're even getting a bit ahead of schedule, I see. Proud?" Jake admitted to himself he was feeling just that and nodded. "Nobody's nagging me here miss Marianne, I think that's why." The school he normally went to was nice enough, but a bit rowdy, and he was picked on more than others, standing out because of his reddish hair and living at a children's home. He also missed schooldays more than others. The home's staff sometimes called him in "sick" to let him recover from bruises on his arms, back or legs. Strange as it may seem, he never told anyone about it because after all, the home was his home, were could he go? In the years he got used to it and learned to keep his silence. "OK, lets clear up and join the table for lunch." Jake got the assignment of making sure the little boy beside him was properly using his fork and cup and cut his bread for him. He enjoying it. He missed playing with other kids his age but all in all, it felt good. When he visited the bathroom he walked straight in to another staff-member changing one of the older toddlers. Toileting, potty training and diaper changing were rather public and normal events happening in the daycare of course but the sight of her pulling the little kid's pants down and laying him on a changing table stopped him in his tracks. When she removed his diaper and plastic pant, and lifted the kids legs up in the air to put a new diaper under him, Jake's face turned beet-red.  So that's how it looks!.....How I look! Transposing in his mind this scene to himself, lying on the dresser under Mrs. Miller's hands. She said I wasn't a baby, but sure looks that way! He thought, blood rushing to his head. Just then the staff-member spotted him. "Oh hi Jake, come on through.... ow you're blushing", she laughed. "No need, it doesn't bother this fellow here one bit. He's far to young to care about modesty." Totally misinterpreting his face. "You're not intruding, here, come over and I'll show you what I'm doing. One day you'll have children maybe, you might learn something." Not bothered by his presence she chatted away while folding two terry's in shape explaining just as Mrs. Miller had done to him yesterday. She had him even sprinkle some of the powder on the kids little behind while she rubbed it in and smeared the cream. Jake could literary feel Mrs. Miller fingers and cream on him again, noticing the way she held the little kids legs folded up with a firm grip around his ankles, until his whole backside was covered in a white transparent film. Still uneasy by the picture of seeing himself on the table he couldn't help getting fascinated by how she stuck the pins trough the diaper and how the result looked on the little guy. What hit him the most, though, was the way the little boy and the staff-member seemed to enjoy it both so much. She spent a lot of time looking in his eyes, talking to him, rubbing his belly, touching his nose, tickling his feet, blowing kisses at his face.  The kid could not take his eyes of her, giggling and laughing most of the time, and when she stood him up to pull his sweatpants up he wrapped his arms around the lady's neck. She returned the hug of course. Finished, he returned to his desk with a slight pang in his stomach, inadvertently longing for such kind of attention. When Jenny picked Jake up from daycare she was again greeted by Marianne who told her in a loud voice again that he behaved well and worked hard. He had and was very proud when Miss Marianne told Jenny about him being ahead of schedule, standing behind him with her hands on his shoulders. "Do you know he's reading very well, Jen? I gave him a special assignment this afternoon: reading to a couple of the little ones. He has a very nice voice to listen to. They loved it...... Oh, I see you noticed. One of the kids peed on his lap when he was reading. Lucky we had a spare pant that just fit him." Jenny didn't miss the wink Marianne gave her with Jake not knowing, recognizing the little white lie, keeping Jake's dignity. "Thanks, I'll bring a bag with some spares tomorrow," she whispered when he was out of earshot.     8 "Miss... can you hear me? Miss...! Open your eyes please!" Bedazzled she opened her eyes. Swirling orange lights, lots of smoke and noise, so much noise. She could hear people around, shouting. Her head hurt so much! hands on her and the car. Trying to get doors open, ripping them. My Car!! My Boys!! "She's awake" the man in emergence clothing said, "How..."Trying to turn her head to see. "Don't move miss! We'll take you out as soon as possible!". coming more to her senses. Feeling, rather than seeing. They were taking her boys away! With a shock, Jenny woke up. Drenched again in sweat. Not the first time this night. Hardly slept at all this time. Staring at the ceiling she could hear some birds, Announcing a new day even when the sun was not showing herself. Sighing, she slid from under her blanket and headed to the bathroom. ----------------------------------   "Please Mrs. Miller, can we please watch the movie?" After their first shock of meeting Jake and Jenny developed a certain routine. Each day, Jenny would wake up Jake, washing and dressing him. Each day, Henry and Jenny walked around the garden were Henry hammered Jenny on keeping her distance while Jake tried to do his best at schoolwork in the daycare and was gradually getting more interaction with the toddlers. If his studies allowed it he got to helping them at the table, reading to and sometimes play with them if the staff needed a distraction. He could be funny with the little ones. A couple of times he helped with changing, picking up stray knowledge like what use onesies (the T-shirts with buttons like he had found in the drawer) had, what a kite or angel fold looked like and that plastic pants could also have snaps on the side. He learned what training pants were and that disposable diapers existed. He liked the smell of the baby-wipes although he respectfully thanked for the job when a messy bottom needed to be cleaned, considering it to gross to mess with. Each day, after Jenny picked him up they would return home where she contended herself with cooking while Jake enjoyed reading a comic or helped a bit. Each day in the evenings after dinner Jake played with the building blocks and other construction materials Jenny acquainted him, learning on the side that these were Liam's, Jason's twin brother and that Jason had a condition which kept him mentally no older than a toddler. He learned that Mrs. Miller's first name was Jenny although she kept insisting that he called her Mrs. Miller, not Mrs. Jenny. And that was as far as he got. Nothing further. No explanations why Liam or Jason weren't here anymore. Not even pictures. Each day, Jenny got more acquainted with Jake's personality, (dis)likings and hobby's and succeeded in extracting only some small details of his life at his home. As the oldest of the children there he had been given far more responsibilities. And Jenny got the impression that the activities of the younger ones at the home reflected on Jake being rewarded or punished and, more serious, vice versa, to keep him in line. All in all it sounded strange although she could not get her finger behind the details and Jake stayed very reserved about his life. And each day, when it was time Jenny would march Jake upstairs ending the day with their bath and bedtime ritual. Each day, a normal life more or less, if not for Jake's daily sessions across Jenny's lap. Jenny noted that as the days strung together Jake got more accepting to his daily punishment and, although it still hurt and she didn't hold back, handled it as a short painful break in the normal routine which he returned to as soon as possible. Each day, he kept lying on Jenny's lap longer though to recover while she softly rubbed his bottom. During bath-time and diapering she noted that Jake did his best to entice her in an interaction more like he experienced in the daycare between staff and little kids during their diaper changes, craving for some close and loving attention. Each day, Jenny had a hard time not to take him in her arms after the spanking and, while staying friendly, not giving in to the cuddling Jake was so obviously seeking while she put his diaper on, although she was very pleased that he seemed to fully accept her solution for his bed-wetting now. He was cooperative and she needed only a light hand to hold his legs in position. She stayed very alert not to call him 'hon' or sweety, words that otherwise would automatically flow across her lips. Each day was a battle between her hart screaming to give in and her mind telling her coolly that Jake would be gone after two weeks. And who would she see lying in the bed upstairs, then? She could see that Jake sensed her holding back, not understanding why, thinking maybe he did something wrong, involuntary breaking her hart some more. It was ripping her and would rip her apart if she was not careful. Still, time and interaction did their job, slowly but surely deepening their relationship. But each day Jenny's flashbacks and nightmares returned more frequent and with more force every night and each day Jake returned from the daycare with more wet pants.   Now it was Jake who tried to break with routine, standing with a glowing bottom in his underwear at the kitchen table again, devouring the Greek yogurt with nuts and honey before him, enthusiastically telling her that the lion king would be on tonight. "It's friday and in the house we always got to stay up late, watching a movie. Can we do that here also, pleeeaaase?" "In the center weekends don't really count, Jake. I still have to work tomorrow." "But I'll go to sleep real fast and will get up on time. Promise Mrs. Miller!" "I'm sorry Jake, If we watch the movie and then have to do your bath and pajamas it's getting far beyond your bedtime even with staying up a bit because of friday." That got him thinking. "And If I take my bath right now and I put my pajamas on also, will we be on time then Mrs. Miller, please please please....?" He begged. "Hmmmm, guess so.....But pajamas also means putting your diapers on early, I'll not be oiling and diapering in the middle of the night." "Oh, hadn't thought about that." Jake mulled about it. "Hmmmm, ok alright, I guess." The voluntary answer surprised her. "You sure?" "Not re... it's not so bad....think I'm used to them. .... really like to see the movie so... alright I guess.... Could you do the dishes then while I take my bath?" Jenny just had to laugh at this bargaining and pretended to play hard. "Hmmmm......., you wash your hair this time?" "Deal!" Jake beamed and scrambled quickly off to the bathroom by himself before she could change her mind.   Just in time Jake walked downstairs again. Jenny almost melted seeing his slight waddle in his puffy pajamas and hearing him swishing with every step as she came right after him. He watched the movie first on his belly on the carpet but after a time crawled next to her on the sofa, nibbling the popcorn she'd made. Somehow he snuggled more and more up to her side with feet bent under him. Jenny found her arm wrapped around him. Softly stroking his leg. Ruffling his damp hair and patting his soft bottom. He smelled so nice! Of shampoo and oil and baby-powder. She couldn't resist it this time. "To hell with distance" she thought "but only for this night" When the movie ended, Jake was almost asleep in her lap. As she had done with Jason so many times, Jenny carried him upstairs with his head on her shoulder and her arms around and under his behind. Jake automatically clenching his legs around her waist.
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