Struggling to Reconcile Attractions

[Justadudeindiapers]

Lately, I've been struggling to reconcile my sexual attraction to using diapers with my sexual attraction to women. I'm getting married in December and, although I know it probably won't happen, I'm hoping my attraction to diapers subsides when I move in with my fiancee.

It seems like my feelings are a lot stronger when I'm at home with my parents, and I wonder if some of them relate to my childhood. My dad was emotionally abusive towards my sister, which frightened me and made me distance myself from him. He was present during my growth as an adolescent but wasn't very instrumental to it.

I don't have any desire to involve diapers in my partnered sex. I'm thankful for that because telling my fiancee would probably damage our relationship, but I have a hard time pleasuring myself to diapers because 1) I feel like partnered sex should be able to satisfy all of my needs, and 2) If not, I should be pleasuring myself to thoughts of her instead of diapers. In the past, I resolved this dissonance by allowing myself to get aroused by diapers but finishing to thoughts of her.

Should I go back to that self-pleasuring strategy? Is the idea that my feelings might be tied to people and place crazy? Is it realistic that my feelings might fade a little (or a lot) after I leave my childhood home? For married DLs, what have your experiences been?

 

 

[iluvmydiapers]

Been married twice. 

First time for just over a year. )Oct. 82–Nov.83) 

Second time from July 85 to present day. 

First wife was told of my diaper desire after the wedding, one of the reasons she divorced me. 

Current wife found out during our dating and was pleased by what she found.

So it’s best to be up front about your diapers with your girlfriend and not wait until she’s your wife.  

[oznl]

2 hours ago, Justadudeindiapers said:

I'm hoping my attraction to diapers subsides when I move in with my fiancee. 

Umm, good luck with that...

2 hours ago, Justadudeindiapers said:

I don't have any desire to involve diapers in my partnered sex. I'm thankful for that because telling my fiancee would probably damage our relationship, but I have a hard time pleasuring myself to diapers because 1) I feel like partnered sex should be able to satisfy all of my needs, and 2) If not, I should be pleasuring myself to thoughts of her instead of diapers. In the past, I resolved this dissonance by allowing myself to get aroused by diapers but finishing to thoughts of her.

Multiple issues here mate...  If telling your fiancee  does damage your relationship then the question stands if that relationship was ever going to last anyway.  Spouses are a package deal, it's not like selecting fruit off a cart and you leave the bits you think are rotten behind, you take the whole cart.

Another point I'd make is that although I've only studied a sample size of ONE (me), it turned out for me that it wasn't really a sexual fetish anyway.  It worked pretty good as one through my twenties when I was ruled by testosterone but stopping to think about it, it was around LONG before puberty and after age has faded my desire, it has only gotten stronger.

2 hours ago, Justadudeindiapers said:

For married DLs, what have your experiences been?

 

 

I'm a married DL and my wife DID know that I had some odd tastes before we were married.  She married me anyway and tried to change me (fool that I am, didn't see that coming).  It didn't work but she's still around and I'm 24/7 now.

I don't think that's the kind of secret you can take to the altar I'm sorry to say and I can't promise you everything will be ok.  I wish I had a better answer.

[Elfy]

Hiding something like this never works out and the desires don't go away. I sincerely hope you tell your wife before your wedding, there should be no secrets and you should be able to talk about anything with her. Sorry that this isn't what you probably want to hear but I believe when it comes to fetishes and things honesty is the best policy.

 

[PaddedMedic]

I would suggest telling your wife. I know for my own experience that the feeling will come in waves and always return. I found that being confident and honest with my wife has worked out better than I could have imagined. Just remeber that this is your kink. Even if she is accepting of it she may not herself be turned on by it. Just remeber to invest time into her needs and wants. If you take care of her, she (will hopefully) take care of your needs. Take it slow. 

It may seem easier to want to just drop it but the feelings will more than likely not just disappear. And you may find yourself in an unhealthy binge purge cycle that wont help the situation. I think that before you get married it will be a good idea to be honest with her, dont make it a huge deal and she wont. Going into a marriage with secrets doesnt sounds like a good idea. If you are confident enough that she is the person you will be with for the rest of your life, trust that she will support you in your needs. 

 

[Alex Bridges]

Tell her. People react better to things like this when they’re told than when they discover.

Personally, I wouldn’t feel guilty about using diapers for sexual gratification (not so I think partnered sex is the the be all end all), but I would guilty about hiding such a large part of my identity.

[goggius]

I told my wife long before the wedding and she seemed to accept it then.  I hoped and wanted to believe back then that this strange obsession would go away once I was sexually active but it didn't.  Her feelings changed to a mere grumbling tolerance a few years later as I began to explore this desire for diapers.  Forty-five years later we don't breach that discussion any more as we both know that her feelings won't change and after many binge-purge cycles in my younger years, I know that mine won't either.  As long as we avoid that topic we get along quite well.

Now that I am seventy, sex doesn't seem to come to mind as much as it used to but I am always diapered for bed and often during the day. 

The words of KD Lang's hit song titled  "Constant Craving" seem to fit here. 

[Little Sherri]

3 hours ago, PaddedMedic said:

I would suggest telling your wife. I know for my own experience that the feeling will come in waves and always return. I found that being confident and honest with my wife has worked out better than I could have imagined. Just remeber that this is your kink. Even if she is accepting of it she may not herself be turned on by it. Just remeber to invest time into her needs and wants. If you take care of her, she (will hopefully) take care of your needs. Take it slow. 

It may seem easier to want to just drop it but the feelings will more than likely not just disappear. And you may find yourself in an unhealthy binge purge cycle that wont help the situation. I think that before you get married it will be a good idea to be honest with her, dont make it a huge deal and she wont. Going into a marriage with secrets doesnt sounds like a good idea. If you are confident enough that she is the person you will be with for the rest of your life, trust that she will support you in your needs. 

 

I think a lot of people here offered good advice. Padded in particular - I wish I had been able to follow advice along these lines. First of all, it's important that you are being honest with yourself and know where you stand with respect to these desires. I'll try to illustrate this point without getting too long-winded in autobiographical details.

The Cliff notes version is that I was a bed wetter as a kid until somewhere in the 8-9 range, and I wore diapers to bed and on trips. I always claimed not to like them, and there definitely were times when I didn't want to wear a diaper, but, in retrospect, being honest, I never put up much of a fight about it. So, the interest seems to have developed pretty early on. We had a neighbour, same age as me (maybe 5 or 6), I think maybe somewhat developmentally delayed, whose mom let her play outside a few times in an exposed diaper in the summer as a kid, and I was fascinated by it, although my mom never did that to me, and I was way, way prepubescent at the time. I eventually stopped wetting the bed and stopped wearing diapers, but almost right afterward, I experienced a couple of rapid traumatic events - my dad died when I was 9, and I got an alcoholic step father out of the deal a year later. So, I started secretly making my own diapers around age 11 and sleeping in them - I got comfort out of wearing them. Got caught, was humiliated, stopped all diaper play for about 25 years. In the meantime, I met a girl, and got married, had kids, never allowed myself to dip a toe into that pool again, THOUGHT I had smothered those interests and desires for good. Then, I saw a picture of myself at maybe age 7, in an old photo album in a diaper, and it all came flooding back (if you'll pardon the pun). Went out and bought a pack of adult diapers, put one on, felt great, basically. Then, I discovered that... glory be... the world actually had a few other people like me, even companies making adult baby diapers, even sites like this where people could meet and talk to each other about it.

Now, I've slept in diapers for a couple of years, and I've been dabbling in wearing 24/7 for the last ~25 days or so, and I have never felt better... EXCEPT that I am not at all forthcoming with my wife, and I have no idea how she might react, and the secretiveness of it sometimes makes me feel the same shame I felt when I wore diapers as a kid. I have a medical condition that I can use as an excuse if I am ever confronted on wearing at night, but the leap from that to, hey, this is my thing, I plan to wear diapers from now until the end of time, whenever I can, is a big chasm to cross. She is very conventional, sexually, although one of the things I would probably try to explain is that this isn't just about sexual stimulation. There is more to it than that, it comes from an earlier place in my psyche and maybe has been fused into a solid by trauma. 

But I digress. My point is that I got into a relationship with these buried needs and never thought to mention them, as they seemed so far in the past. But they've come back, and here I am, and divorce would be catastrophically expensive and something I don't want to experience, BUT, I also don't want to live life skulking about in shame, or completely denying myself what I very deeply want, just to keep the peace. I feel like I am a good provider and a good husband and maybe I'm not asking too much, but ultimately, that will be up to her, if it ever comes up.

SO, in summary, yes, talk about it before you get married. If it comes from a deep place within you, it will spring up again, so, be fair to yourself and to her, is my advice.  

[Dprczyone]

I agree with everyone that says tell her before you get married. Been married 47 years and have regretted not telling mine ever since. I have to give her credit, she tried her best to accept it but in the last 15 years it's been a struggle to keep the marriage together. If there's an abdl out there who was able to give it up I'd really like to meet them and see how they did it.

[mahleedl]

Add me to the "tell her" camp, for all of the reasons everyone else has given.

I told both my ex and my current wife once we'd been dating a while and I'd reached a point where I though we might be headed for something deeper.  I knew I could never fully get rid of my desires and thought it was unfair to her and to me to keep something like that secret.

My 1st wife was accepting at first, but changed her mind almost literally the day after the wedding.  We made it another 6 years, but I knew we were in trouble that 1st day.

My 2nd (current) wife has been much more accepting.  It's not her thing, but she's supportive of me.  I've since gone 24/7, so I'm diapered with her full time now.

I agree with the advice about being confident in how you present it.  If you're shameful about it, she'll feel like it's something to be ashamed of.  And...  be prepared for questions.  Put yourself in her shoes and think about the kinds of things she's going to ask so that you can have a good way to answer them.

I wish you luck!

[littleTomás]

5 hours ago, mahleedl said:

Add me to the "tell her" camp, for all of the reasons everyone else has given.

I'm with everyone else on this one as well. You should tell her. If you need help with that and aren't sure how to go about it, listen to the Dream A Little Podcast. The whole podcast is about how to share your kinks with your partner.

On 4/30/2019 at 2:13 AM, Justadudeindiapers said:

I don't have any desire to involve diapers in my partnered sex. I'm thankful for that because telling my fiancee would probably damage our relationship, but I have a hard time pleasuring myself to diapers because 1) I feel like partnered sex should be able to satisfy all of my needs, and 2) If not, I should be pleasuring myself to thoughts of her instead of diapers. In the past, I resolved this dissonance by allowing myself to get aroused by diapers but finishing to thoughts of her.

Should I go back to that self-pleasuring strategy? Is the idea that my feelings might be tied to people and place crazy? Is it realistic that my feelings might fade a little (or a lot) after I leave my childhood home?

So straight up, this isn't going anywhere. I tried to get my ABDL side to go away for 14 years and all it got me was a lot of shame, sexual repression, and unhappiness. Now that I'm working on self-acceptance I'm happy and I now see my ABDL side as a benefit instead of a burden. You know what you want sexually and what turns you on, and that's a great thing. At the end of the day, we all look silly having sex. Why not do it the way that makes you the happiest? Also, moving out of my parent's house and going to collage hasn't reduced my desire, if anything its made it stronger because now I have more privacy and can wear diapers pretty much whenever I want.

Any sex therapist will tell you that masturbating while in a relationship is ok, so long as it's not behind your partner's back. Also it's unrealistic to think that partnered sex is going to satisfy all your needs. In a long-term relationship there will be times when you are unable to have sex because someone is sick, out of town, or for some other reason. Additionally, unless you and your partner have the exact same sex drive there are going to be times when one of you is feeling in the mood and the other isn't. That's ok. Do mutual or solo masturbation instead, and be happy for each other when the other gets an orgasm. Also if you pigeon hole yourself into only getting aroused by one thing then you'll fall into the cycle of what Dr. Nazanin Moali calls having "leftover sex." Expand your erotic template and then share it with your fiancé. You may be surprised at what you have in common. You may also find you are willing to try something different that you may not be into, but you'll do for your fiancé because she really likes it. This is reciprocal and goes both ways!

Keep and open mind and don't let yourself get caught in the cycle of shame. Dude, shame drains the happiness out of life. Don't fall for the fake Mercantilist Theory of "There's only a finite amount of love in the world."  Everyone can give as much love as they chose to give. You can love both your fiancé and you DL side.

Hang in there and feel free to DM me if you'd ever like to talk.

Without Shame,

Little Tomás

[Justadudeindiapers]

Thanks for the advice everyone. I told her this past week and she was more accepting than I expected. She's not sure how she would feel seeing me in a diaper but she's okay with me wearing on my own time. A resource I found that really helped was the Little Lounge (https://www.thelittlelounge.com/). I recommend y'all check it out! 

[ppdude]

Before first wife, pleasured myself with rubber pants.

First wife: Pleasured with her and rubber pants. She divorced me after I lost my eyesight.

Second wife, her and rubber pants. She died from cancer.

I'm back to pleasuring myself with rubber pants.

Should I try for a third? Probably not.

[DiaperedAllTheTime]

On 4/29/2019 at 11:13 PM, Justadudeindiapers said:

Lately, I've been struggling to reconcile my sexual attraction to using diapers with my sexual attraction to women. I'm getting married in December and, although I know it probably won't happen, I'm hoping my attraction to diapers subsides when I move in with my fiancee.

It seems like my feelings are a lot stronger when I'm at home with my parents, and I wonder if some of them relate to my childhood. My dad was emotionally abusive towards my sister, which frightened me and made me distance myself from him. He was present during my growth as an adolescent but wasn't very instrumental to it.

I don't have any desire to involve diapers in my partnered sex. I'm thankful for that because telling my fiancee would probably damage our relationship, but I have a hard time pleasuring myself to diapers because 1) I feel like partnered sex should be able to satisfy all of my needs, and 2) If not, I should be pleasuring myself to thoughts of her instead of diapers. In the past, I resolved this dissonance by allowing myself to get aroused by diapers but finishing to thoughts of her.

Should I go back to that self-pleasuring strategy? Is the idea that my feelings might be tied to people and place crazy? Is it realistic that my feelings might fade a little (or a lot) after I leave my childhood home? For married DLs, what have your experiences been?

 

 

The following link explains my personal experience with my wife learning to accept my need to wear diapers.  Obviously some of the details in my story will not apply to your situation at all but I believe it does offer some very realistic and helpful advice.