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Breaking the Girl: A Novel


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24 minutes ago, Wannatripbaby said:

This is one of my favorite chapters in any story. I've actually had a similar conversation with one of my Littles when she was feeling down because she couldn't imagine why someone would want to ever take care of her like that. So this chapter hits rather close to home for me.

Indeed, i have had that same conversation with mine, she just don't get it, though she does a lot more then she thinks she does.

@bbykimmythx for the new chapter

I love it

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2 hours ago, bbykimmy said:

What Vanessa does in this chapter is really important:  Before anyone can hear you, before anyone can hear the message you're trying to share or the reassurance you're trying to give... they have to know you heard them first.

If someone is upset, you have to Listen.  Don't interrupt, just let them talk, let them say their piece... and then tell them what you heard.  Don't get defensive, don't try to tell them they're wrong, don't try to fix it.  Tell them what feelings that you hear they are expressing, tell them that the feelings make sense to you - you don't have to AGREE with what they're saying, but if you can express that their feelings make sense, that they're valid... a person who's hurting really needs that.

Here, Jess is hurting.  She is unsure, she is anxious, she is scared.  And Vanessa listens.  Vanessa tells Jess what she heard and when she's got it... Jess cries at first, but she feels real deep relief.  Because knowing that the person you're talking to you really hears you, really understands you... it's incredibly comforting, just being heard.

THEN Vanessa can begin to reassure her, to use logic and point things out.  If Vanessa had tried to START with that, Jess likely would have withdrawn, because the message there is that her feelings are wrong, invalid.

Listening is really friggin' hard.  It's a life skill.  Vanessa's good at it.

:)

I couldn't agree more! Listening is INCREDIBLY difficult at times, but it's always worthwhile. Also, bbykimmy, you have a VERY good point about LISTENING first, THEN saying what you feel needs to be said. When you know that they are actually paying attention to to your words and actions (and not just waiting for you to stop talking so they can proceed to tell you how you are wrong/incorrect on the matter), it's so INCREDIBLY validating. Like someone actually cares enough to put the time and effort into trying to help you with what ever is upsetting you. Again, you have hit the nail on the head! Amazing work!:3

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19 minutes ago, TomBoyAB said:

I couldn't agree more! Listening is INCREDIBLY difficult at times, but it's always worthwhile. Also, bbykimmy, you have a VERY good point about LISTENING first, THEN saying what you feel needs to be said. When you know that they are actually paying attention to to your words and actions (and not just waiting for you to stop talking so they can proceed to tell you how you are wrong/incorrect on the matter), it's so INCREDIBLY validating. Like someone actually cares enough to put the time and effort into trying to help you with what ever is upsetting you. Again, you have hit the nail on the head! Amazing work!:3

Exactly.  Too often people stop listening to the other person halfway through what they're saying because their own brain has a response and they're just waiting for their turn to talk...

But that's not how you have deeper, more meaningful relationships - and this is true of ANY relationship: professional, friendly, romantic, or any other.  Your brain's job is to think up responses and to come up with ideas - this becomes SUPER obvious if you ever try zazen or other mindfulness meditation.  Your brain will not shut up... without practice.

And so if you want to be a good friend, a good partner... you have to listen actively, control your own mind, and tell the person you're listening to what you heard.  Language is a funny thing - words have connotations on their own, and then they might have connotations specific to the other person that you don't even know about.  Heck, maybe they don't even know it consciously.  You have to encode a thought in language, transmit it, the other person has to decode it and interpret it... and there's all kinds of room for errors.  This is why you need to repeat what you're hearing, so they can correct your understanding.

And as you said, when someone listens to you - when someone really hears you, it's incredibly validating and in my opinion, it's the key to healing.

Thank you for engaging with me in this discussion, TomBoy <3

Believe it or not, I try to weave these "life lessons", for lack of a better term, into the story itself - but I feel that there's value in sharing it outright too :)

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Okay so I have come to a conclusion it must be exhausting to be Vanessa.

On the face of it, it's a completely relatable goal you have this weird kink that to a lot of people should be something to be ashamed of but it's part of you and you want someone in your life who will just let you show how special it can be.

Ignoring the stalking the phone records, Elaine because although not outright said if she is stalking Dani, then she must have at least done a mini stalk on Elaine to make sure she wasn't a threat, but with every date and interaction there is analysis and trying to think three moves a head like she is in a mental game of chess with herself and no matter what will never let herself win.

I wonder by the end of this with that headspace would Vanessa ever allow herself to be happy or would there always be a constant fight in her head to make up a problem.

 

Love the story by the way just throwing that on the end here.

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@bbykimmy You hit the nail on the head when describing the dynamic, honestly your grasp on human is astonishing. I've taken formal coursework and yet I feel like you understand it intuitively.

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23 minutes ago, RPMolly said:

Okay so I have come to a conclusion it must be exhausting to be Vanessa.

On the face of it, it's a completely relatable goal you have this weird kink that to a lot of people should be something to be ashamed of but it's part of you and you want someone in your life who will just let you show how special it can be.

Ignoring the stalking the phone records, Elaine because although not outright said if she is stalking Dani, then she must have at least done a mini stalk on Elaine to make sure she wasn't a threat, but with every date and interaction there is analysis and trying to think three moves a head like she is in a mental game of chess with herself and no matter what will never let herself win.

I wonder by the end of this with that headspace would Vanessa ever allow herself to be happy or would there always be a constant fight in her head to make up a problem.

 

Love the story by the way just throwing that on the end here.

Exhausting is an interesting way to describe it - she's somewhat self-aware of it, too.  She said in chapter two: "I was in love with an idea, and that made finding real love quite difficult."

Her outlook isn't entirely healthy, though I won't go into it now :)  We'll explore that over the course of the story!

3 minutes ago, YourFNF said:

@bbykimmy You hit the nail on the head when describing the dynamic, honestly your grasp on human is astonishing. I've taken formal coursework and yet I feel like you understand it intuitively.

It's not intuitive, it took me sitting through a LOT of therapy to really understand it.  I've mentioned this before, but when I started therapy I was so messed up that I couldn't tell you what emotions I was feeling at any given time unless I was angry.  I was so out of tune with myself and how emotions and humans functioned that I had to literally be taught - in my 30s - how to tell which emotions led to what physical sensations.  I've always been smart, but it wasn't until I went through the process of learning to love myself (still working on it!) and how to listen and understand others that I ever began to feel wise.

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10 minutes ago, bbykimmy said:

Exhausting is an interesting way to describe it - she's somewhat self-aware of it, too.  She said in chapter two: "I was in love with an idea, and that made finding real love quite difficult."

Her outlook isn't entirely healthy, though I won't go into it now :)  We'll explore that over the course of the story!

It's not intuitive, it took me sitting through a LOT of therapy to really understand it.  I've mentioned this before, but when I started therapy I was so messed up that I couldn't tell you what emotions I was feeling at any given time unless I was angry.  I was so out of tune with myself and how emotions and humans functioned that I had to literally be taught - in my 30s - how to tell which emotions led to what physical sensations.  I've always been smart, but it wasn't until I went through the process of learning to love myself (still working on it!) and how to listen and understand others that I ever began to feel wise.

Wow relate to this so hard. Also none of mine have walked me through things step by step like that.

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25 minutes ago, YourFNF said:

Wow relate to this so hard. Also none of mine have walked me through things step by step like that.

It wasn't easy and it wasn't fun.  The conversations went something like this:

Therapist: <something painful>.  What are you feeling physically right now?

Me: I feel a tightness in my chest, it's unpleasant.

Therapist:  That's what anxiety feels like for you.

 

Therapist: <asks me a deeply painful question>.  What are you feeling physically right now?

Me:  My throat hurts, it feels swollen.

Therapist:  That's you feeling sad.

 

She taught me that all of these physical signals were precursors and indicators of my emotions and that if I ignored them, I'd start to feel angry.  That anger wasn't a "true" emotion, but rather it is a secondary emotion that's generally protecting you from something else:  pain, fear, doubt, anxiety, frustration.  If you're feeling angry, chances are that there's something deeper going on.  Learning that this was true for everyone (though peoples' physical signals vary, what feels like frustration to me physically might be an entirely different signal to someone else) but anger being a secondary emotion is generally true for everyone... and if someone is unreasonably angry about something small, they're not reacting to that something small, they're reacting to something bigger.

And most people don't even know that there's a deeper cause, a deeper meaning.  Everyone is damaged.  Every last person, you, me, everyone reading the post and everyone NOT reading this post.  We all hurt, we were all damaged by things in our past, but most people are carrying around this damage without knowing it, without admitting it.

Learning how to communicate changed my whole life for the better.

Sorry I went off on a tangent there... I do that sometimes <3

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23 minutes ago, bbykimmy said:

It wasn't easy and it wasn't fun.  The conversations went something like this:

Therapist: <something painful>.  What are you feeling physically right now?

Me: I feel a tightness in my chest, it's unpleasant.

Therapist:  That's what anxiety feels like for you.

 

Therapist: <asks me a deeply painful question>.  What are you feeling physically right now?

Me:  My throat hurts, it feels swollen.

Therapist:  That's you feeling sad.

 

She taught me that all of these physical signals were precursors and indicators of my emotions and that if I ignored them, I'd start to feel angry.  That anger wasn't a "true" emotion, but rather it is a secondary emotion that's generally protecting you from something else:  pain, fear, doubt, anxiety, frustration.  If you're feeling angry, chances are that there's something deeper going on.  Learning that this was true for everyone (though peoples' physical signals vary, what feels like frustration to me physically might be an entirely different signal to someone else) but anger being a secondary emotion is generally true for everyone... and if someone is unreasonably angry about something small, they're not reacting to that something small, they're reacting to something bigger.

And most people don't even know that there's a deeper cause, a deeper meaning.  Everyone is damaged.  Every last person, you, me, everyone reading the post and everyone NOT reading this post.  We all hurt, we were all damaged by things in our past, but most people are carrying around this damage without knowing it, without admitting it.

Learning how to communicate changed my whole life for the better.

Sorry I went off on a tangent there... I do that sometimes <3

That actually sounds a lot like what we talked about in my neuropsych class

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I just finished chapter 4 and you've hooked me again. I don't understand how you can write a story that pulls me in so completely. I felt a pang of guilt for jess at the "am I a burden?" Question, mainly because I heard the same question so many times from different littles in the classes at CAPCON!

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I see what you did there :) gave us an extra chapter early but it was really just a way to steer us towards character development and not the main story. I luv this chapter anyway lol. I really am enthralled with your writing. 

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6 hours ago, chansu ragedashi said:

I just finished chapter 4 and you've hooked me again. I don't understand how you can write a story that pulls me in so completely. I felt a pang of guilt for jess at the "am I a burden?" Question, mainly because I heard the same question so many times from different littles in the classes at CAPCON!

Not to toot my own horn, but I think it's because I always try to approach a thing from how it feels rather than from what is happening.  All of the best stories I've written focus on the feelings of the characters, and how the reader can identify with those feelings.

And the question of "Am I a burden?" is pretty universal to the Little experience.  I'm sure the reason is different for every Little - some are like Jess who just can't grasp that the flipside can really exist, that a dominant can be fulfilled by giving rather than receiving, some have mental or physical issues that they have guilt over when people help them with because they've been told they should be able to do it themselves.  Some are just hurting from always being told to "just grow up" - there are as many reasons as there are Littles.

3 hours ago, thedman said:

OMG I love chapter 4. Who am I kidding... I love them all. But seriously @bbykimmy you have such an amazing view of the human psyche and you do an amazing job of explaining it

Thank you, I really appreciate the compliment!  I really want my characters to feel like real people, to have strengths and weaknesses, backgrounds and motivations.  You can't hurt for a two dimensional character and the whole reason I tell stories is to share feelings.

1 hour ago, Babyqtboy said:

I see what you did there :) gave us an extra chapter early but it was really just a way to steer us towards character development and not the main story. I luv this chapter anyway lol. I really am enthralled with your writing. 

I have some really bad news for you QT, there's a LOT of character development in this story ;)

There's some steamy stuff too, but if you're expecting Vanessa to win Dani over in a chapter or two, you're going to be disappointed.

You haven't even met the entire cast yet!

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11 minutes ago, bbykimmy said:

 

And the question of "Am I a burden?" is pretty universal to the Little experience.  I'm sure the reason is different for every Little - some are like Jess who just can't grasp that the flipside can really exist, that a dominant can be fulfilled by giving rather than receiving, some have mental or physical issues that they have guilt over when people help them with because they've been told they should be able to do it themselves.  Some are just hurting from always being told to "just grow up" - there are as many reasons as there are Littles.

 

For me I think it's the way capitalist society ties a persons self-worth to productivity and in the States paired with a lot of cultural leftovers from puritan doctrine if someone isn't as capable it seen a character flaw that they're some how defective. And when you have a completely different perspective set of abilities, wants, and needs like me; as someone who is neurodiverse, having internalized that can be incredibly  toxic.

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It's my birthday today, but you get a present.  Have another chapter!

 

Chapter Five

By the time Seth got home, I had cooked Jess dinner and thoroughly rotted her brain with reality TV.  Honestly, it had been a great time.  She wasn't my Little, but taking care of her had been nice.  I had settled her in her highchair for dinner and fed her cut up bites of spaghetti and meatballs.  We didn't use the chair's restraints - I didn't feel it was really my place to use Seth's toys that way - but caring for her, making her feel Little... was soothing.

After the sun set, after she had binged the entire season of her silly cooking show, I changed her diaper and put her into pink unicorn pajamas, a silly summer kigurumi with a horned hood.  She giggled as I tickled her and told her that she was a very pretty unicorn but truth be told, it made me a bit sad.  I kissed her once on the forehead before I raised the bars to her crib.

"Goodnight, cupcake," I said softly as I turned on her Fluttershy nightlight.

"Nighty night night, Nessa," she yawned, looking tiny and vulnerable in her crib.  "Thank you for the lovely day - you're a great mommy.  You're going to make some Little very, very happy."

"Thanks," my smile said, 'You are the sweetest, you make me happy' but it was a lie.  I felt worn and sad inside.  To have been so close to my desires and to know that Jess wasn't mine - I didn't want her, I didn't want Seth's Little, I would never, ever try to insert myself into their relationship... but I wanted a Little of my own.  Someone to care for.  My speech to Jess had been true; I had a need, a desire, that I could only share with someone like her - a submissive.

I pulled her door closed so she wouldn't wake when Seth got home and settled back onto his couch, flipping on Twitch and pulling up one of my favorite streamers.

When Seth finally stumbled through the door, it was late and he looked awful.

"Did the servers take you out back and beat you?"  I teased him as I muted the TV.  "There's some spaghetti left in the pot, Jess is already in bed."

"I ate," he groaned, flopping down on the couch next to me and kicking his shoes off.  "Thanks for hanging with Jess.  She's kind of fragile on the weekends, she's very much a creature of habit."

"Rough day?"

"Literal surgery," Seth replied, laying an arm over his eyes.  "The dumb fucks bought their drives in a lot, which means that they all reached mean-time-to-failure at once... and they didn't call me until the second parity drive failed - the microcontroller literally burned out.  I had to take a live drive from another array and cannibalize it for the board.  Of course, they couldn't show me the problem, all they could do was mumble that it wasn't working."

I gave him a smile, a 'You poor soul', as I wrapped my arm around his shoulder.

"So what are you buying with the emergency fee you're dropping on that invoice?"  I smirked.  I knew him - he already had the money spent in his mind, probably on...

"A pink straitjacket," he grinned, sitting up.  "The straps go around the thighs instead of between the legs for easy diaper changes."

Yep.  Seth was still Seth, even though his usually calculated demeanor was shattered with exhaustion.

"I suppose there's just the matter of the babysitting bill," I deadpanned, sitting up as well.  "Getting someone to watch your adult baby isn't cheap, after all."

"No joke, a pro sitter is like $300 an hour these days..." he winked, leaning into me until our shoulders touched, "but it was money well spent last time, my spanking technique is much improved."  It was good to be close to him, we had been very close friends before Jess came into the picture... but lately it was getting hard to be around the both of them, especially after Lauren... "There's a treat waiting for you in your Blizzard account."

"You didn't have to, I was teasing," I smiled a wry smile - there was no point in trying to fake it with him, he could see through all of it.

"I hope Jess wasn't too bad," he was actually nervous... he needed reassuring.

"She was fine.  We actually had a really good day, it was really nice to have someone to care for.  I'm going to be perfectly blunt," I turned my body to face him, and he followed suit, turning his palms up as he rested his hands on his knees - it was a way that we signalled we were emotionally open to hard truths, it was easier to be vulnerable with your palms up.  "I'm worried about her - when was the last time she saw her friends?  When was the last time she went out without you?"

"I know," Seth sagged. "Believe it or not, I've been trying to get her to go... I messed up.  I tried to make her wear a diaper under an outfit that wouldn't hide it well enough last time she was going out and... well, it didn't go well.  She panicked and decided not to go instead... and I've been having trouble getting her to try again.  She's afraid to go out unpadded, afraid to upset me, and she's not listening to me when I say it's okay.  I'm not sure what to do."

"I'm in Redwood all week, what if I took her out one evening?"  I was relieved - Seth wasn't trying to stop her, not honestly, it was Jess' insecurity that seemed to be the problem.  A girls' night out might do her some good.

"Are you going to be up for it?  This is a hatchet job, isn't it?"  he asked.  I winced, I never liked that term... but he was right, these jobs were emotionally draining.  "Sorry.  I know they're hard for you."  Seeing him this way, open and vulnerable, disheveled and a little shaky, brought a small smile to my face.  He hadn't shown this side to me in a while, and it was nice to connect with him when his Dom mask was down.

"I'll be fine, it's important.  We'll go out for dinner and drinks and we'll just talk.  She needs some adult time.  Plus, I'll already be much closer than usual, no sweat."

"I agree," he laid back, sighing.  "I've been worried about her too."

"Why didn't you say anything?"  I laid a hand on his knee, telling him I was there for him.

"You've got enough on your plate, Vanessa.  And irons in the fire.  How's that going, by the way?"  He looked over at me, making eye contact, his face concerned.

"I misread something," I admitted with a small shrug.  "We're getting coffee on Wednesday morning... downgraded from dinner."

"Ouch," he winced, "what's the core?"

"Not sure yet.  Texting," I shrugged.  He, of course, had the same problem.

"I'm sorry it's rough," he consoled, "I know you'll find the right girl.  You're a catch, and there are lots of subs out there just waiting to have their Little side unlocked."

"That's what I keep telling myself," the advice from him stung a little bit - it was the same advice I had given him when I was with Kailee and he was single... and it had worked for him, after all.  It was actually hard to imagine him without Jess at this point.


*   *   *


"Don't worry," I assured the nervous manager, Benjamin, offering a smile that said 'All is right with the world, everything is going to be fine', "I'm here to help."  He was twitchy in his aeron chair, sitting next to his modern art installation.  It was a lie, of course, his entire team was on the chopping block.

"I know," he smiled weakly.  From the movement of his body, I could tell his left leg was jittering under the table.  He was lying as well, he was terrified.  "Thank you for your help, we just need to figure out how we can right the ship.  My team can really move the needle, I'm sure of it."

Ugh.  Managers and their buzzword bullshit.  Don't get me wrong - management is a valuable skill, a good one was worth their weight in gold, but this guy wasn't a good one.  He was a passive aggressive bullshitter and he had blamed three members of his team already and I'd barely started.  He was one of those "talk out of both sides of his mouth" weasels... which was only part of the problem.  His entire team was warm bodies, subpar code monkeys who were hired to fill chairs so their growth numbers looked good to investors.

It backfired, the way it often did.  Companies like A-Tech, which was a disgustingly generic name for a SAAS provider, were always better investing in a few rockstars rather than padding out a team with morons.  They all knew why I was here, they all knew my reputation.  I heard the whispers when I walked through the door... the Terminator is here.

I hated the name.  I was an Systems Analyst, I found weaknesses in organizations and systems and I helped streamline them... it just so happened that the weaknesses I was best at finding were human.

The day was stressful, interview after interview, combing over code commits and roadmaps.  The core service was valuable, but the management layer across the entire company was garbage.

"Hey," my blood froze as the voice came to my ears.  I was hunched over a terminal, fingers flying across the keys... but I stopped dead at the syllable.  I would know that voice anywhere even though I hadn't heard it in years.

"Aubrey," I greeted her coldly, not even bothering to turn around.

"Terminator," she responded derisively, stepping closer.  She set a cup of coffee down gently on the desk beside the mouse and leaned on the back of my chair, her chin by my ear, elbows on either side of my head.  "Funny seeing you here."

"I don't find it particularly amusing," I said evenly, though my heart was pounding.  I didn't know she worked here.  "What can I do for you?"

"You can do me a favor," she said softly.  "Make sure Benny makes the cut."  I brought up the org chart... Benjamin Harris, manager.  Aubrey Brown, assistant.  That weasel had his own assistant, and of all the people in the world, it had to be Aubrey.

"I can't discuss my analysis before it's complete," I said flatly.

"Oh I know," I could hear the smile on her lips, I knew what was coming next.  "Kailee has some nice pictures of you though, the two of you doing some pretty... interesting things.  I'm sure Jeff would love to see them."   Jeffery was my contact here, the COO - and I knew what pictures she was talking about.  They weren't particularly flattering.  "I really like my job here, Nessa.  I barely have to do anything at all, and Benny is a great lay.  Don't fuck it up for me."

Shit.

"Blackmail is unbecoming," my voice was confident, but we both knew my position was weak.

"And yet it doesn't seem to bother me at all," she replied.  "It's easy, just recommend that Benny gets moved to another department, we both know you're going to cut the brain trust that works under him."

"I make no promises."

"Oh I know," she stood, resting her hands on the back of the aeron.  "You don't keep them anyway, Vanessa.  Actually... I need two favors.  The second will give me a nice signal that you're going to follow through with the first."

No.

"I would like very much," she began.  My heart pounded.  No.  "If you gave Kailee a call."  She finished the words I knew were coming in a whisper.  "She misses her mommy."

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11 minutes ago, Wannatripbaby said:

Enter the Antagonist.

Y'all are really gonna love Aubrey as the story goes on. :D

Do you love Aubrey, Trip?  Do you really?  (Careful!)

4 minutes ago, TomBoyAB said:

Happy Birthday, bbykimmy!:3

I hope you get bunches and bunches of presents and cake and ice cream! 

X3

Thanks TomBoy <3

I gots to go make the ice cream!  I get to cook on my birthday :D

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8 hours ago, bbykimmy said:

It's my birthday today, but you get a present.  Have another chapter!

Happy birthday, it's my birthday today as well, so this is diffently my birthday present. 

Now I'm at a loss to where this is going. You have done it again, so many paths this can take. Maybe Mommy spends some time diapered :D

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8 minutes ago, Aries said:

Happy birthday, it's my birthday today as well, so this is diffently my birthday present. 

Now I'm at a loss to where this is going. You have done it again, so many paths this can take. Maybe Mommy spends some time diapered :D

We covered that in chapter 4 :P

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Even without the pseudospoiler i can tell I'm going to enjoy reading where this blackmail goes and what Aubry is gonna do. Cunning antagonists are fun to follow (huh, now that i think about it, that's probably why I like almost all of your antagonists except Opal... she was just mean!)

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Ooooooooooooooooh! I need popcorn before the next chapter! The plan is to eat it while I read, nodding excitedly from time to time and then throw the bowl and remaining popcorn into the air in exasperation when the chapter ends. Don't think I won't do it! :D

This is a great story and I'll be not so patiently waiting for the next chapter. 

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