Living The Lie?

[Rhezz]

Rhezz post coming up.

Ok so ive done this routine for nearly a year now, its a routine because im popping in and out of it with interest, im ordering diapers when no ones home, wearing and tearing when no ones around or knows, and doing everything in complete secrecy.

The thing with AB/Dlism, new word there...is this closet has no door, so for many people, you cant come out the closet with this sort of speak so you have to live a lie, a double life, well i consider it one. I mean i got a whole different side of me just here that im pretty sure 99% of people around me dont know about.

Ive came to the end of my teather a few times, ive even been at the point when ive chucked a good near full packet of diapers away because i was so sick of the sneaking, the hiding, the nervousness you feel when someones in your room, and they make that FATAL move to check something, just where your keeping your dirty little secret.

But in all honesty, can you realy cope with this, if your in a situation like me, at home and so alone with this weight on your shoulders. Ive coped and im coping, but i feel as if it will get the better of me eventually?

What about you?

[Chibiusa255]

I can really understand what it's like to "live a lie". To have a huge secret about yourself and live in fear of it being discovered.

I wish I could offer some real advice but everything I could say would just be trite and cliched. All i can say is to be confident in yourself and don't care so much what others think... but this a lot easier said than done. It's something that I've found as I get older gets a little easier, though.

Just know that you're not alone. There are a lot of us who have felt this way.

[dlboy]

I still live at home too, although I have an own appartment in my parents house it's a problem to sneak the diapers in and dispose of them secretly. Hiding them is much easier for me - at least so far noone really got close to find them. I find the work needed to keep it secret worth it, but would wear more often if I wasn't living here - it's just my current balance of how much work I want to put in disposing the diapers secretly and frequency I can wear.

About the "living a lie": I once told a friend and my sister that I like diapers, and both reacted cool; I haven't told others so far, but maybe will some day - in most cases I think you can guess how friends would react; if they don't turn out as assholes everything should be as fine as before - except that there's one less you have to fear off finding out by accident. Of course there are also people I'd never want to have to talk to about that.

I guess things get easier once one has an own place, which should make the buying/disposing process easier - and for hiding, you just have to be a bit creative or just make sure no one CAN get to them except you.

[Necare]

Rhezz, I can tell you, I relate to what you are saying there to the fullest! I f**king hate the fact that I have this fetish. I have said this before, but I`ll say this again, my deepest respect to those of you who actually embrace this fetish/lifestyle, and not become victims of the self-loathing I`m experiencing. It is just that I myself cannot see any possibility what so ever of fully embracing and accepting this part of me. Countless is the times I have thought that having, and this is not in any way meant to trivialize people who suffers from this, that having cancer, AIDS, or any kind of disease would have been better. I`m just pointing out how extremely crippling this fetish is for me personally.

As much as I would have liked to say; "Hell, I enjoy my AB-pleasures to the fully, and I do not care the slightest what people think of it", I must sadly admit that in this particular area I cannot help but taking other peoples views into consideration. And yes, I know what you will say, I know this is utter stupidity, and ironically the fact that I`m taking narrowminded, sheepish peoples views into consideration`also becomes a source for more self loathing. In all other areas of life, I pride myself on my individuality, my independence, my free thought, but it seems that when it comes to this fetish, I am in a crippling grip of thinking like all the enslaved minds out there would have me think. Sad, sad as hell.

As I`m sure many of you can vouch for; you would prefer to keep this fetish to yourself, and if a partner, probably tell it to her/him. And there are some even braver souls out there who does not care if the whole world knows, but considering this latter group, there is a difference of choosing yourself to "reveal" your fetish to the world, taking a consenting, active part in it, quite another is to sit passively and being "outed" by someone you loved with all your heart, who you thought sincerely loved you too. You tell this person something that is difficult from the outset, you lay bare a part of yourself that is so damn fragile, and you get pure and utter destruction in return.

You know, I`m sitting here now, home for the holidays, and I should have been thinking; "Hmmm, nice to get back to the city again, continuing my studies of philosophy, meeting friends etc". But I know that is a pure flight of fancy, utopia. Because of what she did, any attempt of social life is like poison, I cannot simply go to the store without almost everyone passing me giving me either a look of contempt, smiling overbearingly, or making constant remarks as I pass by. And to use a clichee, each man has his limit. I`m basically building up courage for suicide really. I would honestly not have wished this situation upon my worst enemy, excepting of course the deceiving bitch and co. If this lifestyle/fetish can be damn hard to cope with in private, it is a living hell, a nightmare of insane, unsourmountable proportions when the society knows. Countless times I have thought about revenge, but what would that be? What she did was an act of the most briliant sadism. My life is basically destroyed, and she and her friends can lean happily back, and say: Check Mate! Sorry, just had to vent, but Rhezz, if your situation is hard to cope with, take comfort in knowing that at least it could be worse. Take Care.

[baby_G_diaperlover]

Yes there is no closet that you can come out of with this or basicly any other fetish. Becouse what you do on you own time is basicly your own bussiness if you have a significant other then that is someone you can comeout to that is basicly the only door to any fetish is to shre it with the one they love.

Thanks for reading my Post, Chalsie

[drynot]

The one truth that I have realised over thirty years of living in and with diapers is that people are people. They can be broken down into two basic groupings. Those you can trust and those you can't. Even then the lines can be blurry sometimes and people who you thought you could trust will be the first ones twisting that knife that you suddenly find buried in your back. Does that mean you need to seclude yourself from society and never let anyone in or get close to you?

No.

There has been 4 instances in my recent life (last 10 years) where people have discovered that I wear diapers. One girl I thought would surely blab it across the airwaves. She really suprised me and has kept quiet. Another girl I knew I could trust and has, thus far, proven me correct. A married couple I am friends with, whom I have known since high school, found out and now we don't speak or associate with each other anymore. And finally a girl found a bag of Depends which I kept in the bathroom, never mentioned it and we remain good friends to this day.

You might say that I have been lucky. I would have to agree. Because of these instances my inhibitions about wearing diapers in general have diminished quite a bit. I am still cautious while wearing around people but I still wear out in public, over to friends, at work, and most of the time at home.

Take solace in the fact that anyone who truly cares about you won't care that you wear diapers, and those that would belittle and make fun don't matter anyway.

[ABDLincontlady]

What is the lie about?

A lie is usually defined as when another person thinks something you tell them is true, but it really isn't.

So I don't see anything about my AB/DL stuff a lie to anyone.

I think that I don't need to know everything about everyone and no one has to know everything about me especially if it doesn't affect them personally.

Like to read posts in response to my thinking about this.

[Pipsqueak]

^ I agree. I see living a lie as something more like marrying someone of the opposite sex to look "acceptable" to society or your family or whoever, when you know in your heart that you are homosexual. In that sense you're using all your energy to convince people of something that you know isn't true, and no doubt harming yourself and your spouse, in the process. Keeping your interest in diapers secret is not living a lie. It's an issue of personal privacy and in some instances, self-preservation. We all keep secrets - ab/dl's and everyone else included. We don't need to know, and in many instances, don't want to know, certain intimate details of someone else's life.

As for the sneaking around at home, that will not be an issue when you move out. And if someone is likely to find something in your room, that probably means you're not accepting certain adult responsibilities like cleaning your own room, doing your own laundry, etc. If you did those things, there would be no reason for anyone to be looking under your bed or in your closet, etc.

[baby-dandan]

Hey Everybody!,

I have gone through some of same the things. In that; I have thrown away packages of diapers, pacifiers, bottles, ab stories and various other articles from different ab companies, because I was feeling guilty about being an adult baby. I finally had to stop and ask myself if I was going to keep wasting my money or was I going to continue to be an ab that I love doing so much! Now, when I order ab things I just keep them so I have them when my ab side kicks in. When I don't feel like being an ab for the moment I still have my stuff when the urge hits me. My parents do know and they strongly oppose it, but still say they won't stop me from doing it. The only two members of my family that truly understand are my only blood brother and one of my step-brothers, who is gay, even though I am not gay myself I have the highest love and respect for him. Anyway we have to stop being ashamed of who we are or how we live! There are alot of fetishes out there, some that may even shock us. I am triing to keep an open mind about things because I know what it is like to be shuned for what I do!

[edlomon05]

living the lie is not that hard if your have gotten good at lying for it

i knew i liked this since i was 5 and i managed to sway people who were very close to finding out by deverting the to another topic mind you its hard esp if they see something odd.

though i think i have it easy, my folks trust me and as such they never barge into my room and it also helps if i was out of the room first

not to say im in my room 24/7 but i do spend a good deal of time in there since i like to relax in there.

but i also am a thinker, i place myself on the side of the lokker wondering what would be a spot no one would think of and so far it works

its not really lying as first off its no ones business except for maybe a girlfriend or wife but even then you have to make sure they can be trusted.

those who tell anyone are gutsy but its very un-needed for everyone to know about.

really anything fetish-wise should be between 1 person or a max of 2 if you plan to tell a love one. i even think that about those who are gay, nothing against them but i really dont need to know they are gay, its un-needed knowlede and many people will think that about stuff they dont want to hear(ie: too much information)

really if your a good lier, i wouldnt worry, otherwise just try to get by.

[ABDLincontlady]

I always worried about my family finding out about this if I died/became very ill suddenly. I am not lying to them except when I say I am doing useful, productive things and I am spending that time on the Net.

However, I put a note in my AB/DL drawer saying how I read in Anne Landers how this was a way to cope with stress instead of drinking, shopping, gambling, etc.

[RMS401]

Anne Landers suggested wearing diapers to deal with stress? Or is it that someone wrote in confused about a loved one's fetish and Anne explained that it was a coping mechanism? I still have a Playboy in which the Playboy Advisor addressed this issue. I've thrown out all my other Playboys, but that one I've kept just for that.

-RMS

[Rhezz]

What is the lie about?

A lie is usually defined as when another person thinks something you tell them is true, but it really isn't.

So I don't see anything about my AB/DL stuff a lie to anyone.

I think that I don't need to know everything about everyone and no one has to know everything about me especially if it doesn't affect them personally.

Like to read posts in response to my thinking about this.

The lie doesnt represent what you do or who you are but the fact your hiding and not telling anyone the truth. Your not saying anything, which is where the term "living the lie" comes into play, your not lieing, your just not saying anything.

Ive made excuses for actions, like emptying the bins more than often, making extra noise, getting orders.

I have even went so FAR as to blaim people on certain things JUST to hide this side of me.

Hurting others, lieing about actions and blaiming people to cover yourself is a LIE!

[ntrader1121]

Rhezz, I can tell you, I relate to what you are saying there to the fullest! I f**king hate the fact that I have this fetish. I have said this before, but I`ll say this again, my deepest respect to those of you who actually embrace this fetish/lifestyle, and not become victims of the self-loathing I`m experiencing. It is just that I myself cannot see any possibility what so ever of fully embracing and accepting this part of me. Countless is the times I have thought that having, and this is not in any way meant to trivialize people who suffers from this, that having cancer, AIDS, or any kind of disease would have been better. I`m just pointing out how extremely crippling this fetish is for me personally.

As much as I would have liked to say; "Hell, I enjoy my AB-pleasures to the fully, and I do not care the slightest what people think of it", I must sadly admit that in this particular area I cannot help but taking other peoples views into consideration. And yes, I know what you will say, I know this is utter stupidity, and ironically the fact that I`m taking narrowminded, sheepish peoples views into consideration`also becomes a source for more self loathing. In all other areas of life, I pride myself on my individuality, my independence, my free thought, but it seems that when it comes to this fetish, I am in a crippling grip of thinking like all the enslaved minds out there would have me think. Sad, sad as hell.

As I`m sure many of you can vouch for; you would prefer to keep this fetish to yourself, and if a partner, probably tell it to her/him. And there are some even braver souls out there who does not care if the whole world knows, but considering this latter group, there is a difference of choosing yourself to "reveal" your fetish to the world, taking a consenting, active part in it, quite another is to sit passively and being "outed" by someone you loved with all your heart, who you thought sincerely loved you too. You tell this person something that is difficult from the outset, you lay bare a part of yourself that is so damn fragile, and you get pure and utter destruction in return.

You know, I`m sitting here now, home for the holidays, and I should have been thinking; "Hmmm, nice to get back to the city again, continuing my studies of philosophy, meeting friends etc". But I know that is a pure flight of fancy, utopia. Because of what she did, any attempt of social life is like poison, I cannot simply go to the store without almost everyone passing me giving me either a look of contempt, smiling overbearingly, or making constant remarks as I pass by. And to use a clichee, each man has his limit. I`m basically building up courage for suicide really. I would honestly not have wished this situation upon my worst enemy, excepting of course the deceiving bitch and co. If this lifestyle/fetish can be damn hard to cope with in private, it is a living hell, a nightmare of insane, unsourmountable proportions when the society knows. Countless times I have thought about revenge, but what would that be? What she did was an act of the most briliant sadism. My life is basically destroyed, and she and her friends can lean happily back, and say: Check Mate! Sorry, just had to vent, but Rhezz, if your situation is hard to cope with, take comfort in knowing that at least it could be worse. Take Care.

living the lie is not that hard if your have gotten good at lying for it

i knew i liked this since i was 5 and i managed to sway people who were very close to finding out by deverting the to another topic mind you its hard esp if they see something odd.

though i think i have it easy, my folks trust me and as such they never barge into my room and it also helps if i was out of the room first

not to say im in my room 24/7 but i do spend a good deal of time in there since i like to relax in there.

but i also am a thinker, i place myself on the side of the lokker wondering what would be a spot no one would think of and so far it works

its not really lying as first off its no ones business except for maybe a girlfriend or wife but even then you have to make sure they can be trusted.

those who tell anyone are gutsy but its very un-needed for everyone to know about.

really anything fetish-wise should be between 1 person or a max of 2 if you plan to tell a love one. i even think that about those who are gay, nothing against them but i really dont need to know they are gay, its un-needed knowlede and many people will think that about stuff they dont want to hear(ie: too much information)

really if your a good lier, i wouldnt worry, otherwise just try to get by.

I'm with you two, more or less

I have my own place and I want to wear but I hate it, I feel so wierd

I told my GF but she isn't really doing anything about it, she says I have to make the first moves, but I want her to do something like go out and buy them

I dunno, I think I'm asking too much, but I want to wear in my own place, I feel like I've earned it

I've thrown so many away then I wish I didn't, then I wish I did...it's an endless cycle of self loathing, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone either

I told my GF and she is ok with it now, but I'm afraid....living the lie

well I love her and love conquers all, or does it...only time will tell

peace

[diapernh]

I have had those times when i was not sure about the path my life is taking. I got into diapers in1996, I was a senior in high school, was 18 at the time, lots of stress.

Only 2 people know about my diapers. My mom and my friend Sharon.

I came out to my mom the first night i tried a diaper. My mom tolerates the diaper wearing. she is well aware that i wear diapers, she sees me in them often. She has been with me when i go to the medical supply store and come out with a case of attends. She knows that there are other people out there who enjoy diapers, and that i meet with others who wear also.

My friend sharon was told when i needed some alterations done on a pair of winnie the pooh overalls.

These days my diapers are in a cabinent in my room, i do not let others into my room. I do keep my diaper life seperate of my normal life. It bums me out that i have to keep the two things seperate.

[supermikey]

well you just need to find a girlfriend or (Friend) that will except what you like, and the feeling of that one person knowing is full relife of the closet emotion feeling. and talking about it to another person feels so good, you got what i call (pressurized-fobia) it means that the longer you hide your secret (the more diapers and baby stuff you hide) hoping it dosent get found even on your self, the more you worrie and question why you have to hide and worrie something you love. well and you wonder why do i want to put my self throw this. because your born in to it and its you.

cheers supermikey.

[Sunshine2585]

I actually think I am coping fairly well having to keep it secret. I have told five friends about it, and talked about it a bit with a couple of them.

I never really intended for it to become such a big part in my life, as I orginally joined this site just to post my story. But then my interest in wearing nappies myself started, so it became a much bigger part of my life. Anyway because I didn't intend for it to become such a big part of my life, I signed up using the same screen name that I use on every other forum I go to on the internet. As well as my email address. Now my brother has figured out that if you type it into google, it comes up with the forums that I go to. I know he has done it at least once because he randomly made a comment on it seemed like I had posted a lot on the show 'Once and Again' at IMDb. I told him not to scroll down the page, and just to get rid of the page. He did it at the time, but could have quite easily gone back and looked again. In fact I would think that he has done. However, he hasn't mentioned it to me if he does know. And to be honest I think it is better that way, because it would be weird for me to talk to him about all this.

Anyway, because my brother knows about the whole google thing, whenever the subject of my secret comes up he tells my mum just to look on google and she can find out. On Sunday the three of us went shopping. And my mum's boyfriend works as a security guy on a Sunday, so my mum parked in the car park of the building he works at. So after we had finished in town, we all went into his office, and my secret came up again. My brother was telling my mums boyfriend to look it up on google, and he actually went onto google. My mum was telling him not to do it, and so was I, so in the end he didn't do it. But I was practically crying right there thinking that he was going to do it and it was going to come up with this site. And I don't really cry that often.

Other than that incident, I have been fine with hiding it. My mum knows that I have a secret, and has asked about it a few times, but I have said that I can't tell her. She seems to accept this and has said that she wouldn't look it up on google. I actually don't find it that difficult to keep it a secret. All I do is leave my bedroom door closed, so that they can't see it, and my mum and brother don't go in there anyway, at least they wouldn't without me being in there. And even then they would knock first. And I am looking forward to October when I will be back at university and living in a house with two girls who know, and are both fine with it. It means that I won't have to make stuff up when I get packages delivered and won't have to hide nappies around my room. I don't think I would have them out in the open just in case someone else came round, but I could just put them in the wardrobe where I can get to them easily.

In the future this could change and I could hate the whole thing, but from reading about other people's experiences I will know not to throw stuff away, because it is something that is always going to be a part of my life.

Sorry for making this such a long post.

[ABDLincontlady]

Long posts are OK. They just need to be broken up into a lot of little paragraphs.

I had the embarassment when I first went on the Internet and to alternate. newspostings of having one of my postings come up on a net search using my full name, not my screen name.

It was because the ISP put one's full name in parentheses next to one's screen name.

And someone put my posting on his website.

I got him to take it off. Also I got a search engine for news groups to take off all of my postings that showed my full name.

That happened 10 years ago and I never posted on such a news group since.

I use a different screen name here that I use for other things I do on the net. I will do a googlesearch of my screen name I use here and see what comes up. Thanks for the warning.

[Guest]

Rhezz post coming up.

Ok so ive done this routine for nearly a year now, its a routine because im popping in and out of it with interest, im ordering diapers when no ones home, wearing and tearing when no ones around or knows, and doing everything in complete secrecy.

The thing with AB/Dlism, new word there...is this closet has no door, so for many people, you cant come out the closet with this sort of speak so you have to live a lie, a double life, well i consider it one. I mean i got a whole different side of me just here that im pretty sure 99% of people around me dont know about.

Ive came to the end of my teather a few times, ive even been at the point when ive chucked a good near full packet of diapers away because i was so sick of the sneaking, the hiding, the nervousness you feel when someones in your room, and they make that FATAL move to check something, just where your keeping your dirty little secret.

But in all honesty, can you realy cope with this, if your in a situation like me, at home and so alone with this weight on your shoulders. Ive coped and im coping, but i feel as if it will get the better of me eventually?

What about you?

I came out of the closet and I dont look back. No matter the outcome, you won't be lying and hiding!

[supermikey]

I came out of the closet and I dont look back. No matter the outcome, you won't be lying and hiding!

Yah exactly just come out and be who you really are. I couldn’t agree with you any more, the out come of telling some body could only last a short time but then people know and grow a gusted to that and dont really care.\\

supermikey

[rickibrat2]

you think you have it bad try having to wear and yuse them for really and see the treatement many get from others

[Rhezz]

you think you have it bad try having to wear and yuse them for really and see the treatement many get from others

All due respect, thats not the lie, thats a medical condition.

If i had bowl cancer or something of the sort, and i had no control, i wouldnt be ashamed its not in my control.

I have Hay fevour (dumb comparison i know), i sneeze and sniff alot, its not my fault, i take some allergy tablets. People may be annoyed and think its unmannared to sneeze and sniff infront of them, but I cant help it so it doesnt bother me.

You wouldnt apologise for ANY medical condition, from both ends of the spectrum, from something realy minor like hay fevour to something like Bowl Cancer.

Fact is, you dont have to hide it. Giving the situation its not the best way to start a convo "i shit my self, i cant help it". You know what i mean, those who matter know and care, thats all that counts. Thats no lie.

-rhezz

[edlomon05]

I came out of the closet and I dont look back. No matter the outcome, you won't be lying and hiding!

i have to say im not fond of that sentence. thats what gays say when they wish to tell the truth(no offense on that)

everyone lies about something, and usualy for good reasons

honestly anything sexual should stay a lie or betwwen closed doors as its un-needed news for the public to hear and they dont want to hear it, they can care less.

I live my life normally and then do what i want when im in the mood. those who have a medical reason, i appaude you as i've heard many dont adjust to this easily and just complain, if i had to live my life wearing a diaper for life 24/7 i would make the most of it hell you dont mind enjoying regular underwear so why not enjoy special ones the same way

in some regards i think some in my family know it already, they just dont talk about it or just ignore it which is cool with me as i would od the same, why say or do anything?

but i think if they knew(or told me they knew) they would be cool with it as their a pretty laid back family, as long as im law-biding their fine with what I do. that doesnt mean ill just spit it out, theres no need at all to do that.

[BabyLex]

Fact is, you dont have to hide it.

-rhezz

Rhezz,

You raise a very interesting issue here, which is the concept of hiding and living a 'dual life' where one life condircts the other. You've said that you wouldn't hide the issue if it were a medical condition, but you do hide it when it isn't. You do have a choice in both circumstances. Those who are incontintent can (and sometimes) do choose to hide it (to the best of their abilities) while those who enjoy it as a fetish (or in some cases addiction (or rather true part of their personalities).

You could simply state openly and freely "yeah, so I like to wear diapers. So what?" and endure the natural reactions and find a medium of people who were open minded and tolerant and adjust your life so that it involved those who approved/tolerated your interest in diapers. Or you can live a lie that involves consciously denying your interest in diapers and in fact outright telling people the opposite.

Although, in reality, it's rare that people's defaction/urination habits come into question. One can establish a sitaution where the topic isn't an issue, although it may require some planning and conscious changes in one's lifestyle to avoid conflict. You could, however, choose to simply endure the conflict and bring your urination/defaction preferences to the forefront of the discussion and endure that fact that it's unusual. That's a conscious choice on your part determined by your predictions.

You could -not live a lie- but then you resign all the benefits of being considered a "non-ab/dl" all non-ab/dls would benefit as the general cause is advanced, although you may endure the hardships as one of the early pioneers. It's always easier to let someone else to the hard work and then follow in the footsteps.. it's hard to be one of the first to admit to it.

Just my two cents.

--BabyLex

[squashNstretch]

Interesting thoughts, but for me I am happy with the fact it IS a dual life. I have no interest in having my regular buddies know my secret diaper habits. Even if I knew I wouldnt be judged, I really like the fact I can 'shut off' my AB/DL side when I want to.

Im happily part time, though I will admit in my younger years I did what Rhezz did... Denial, try to throw out everything AB-ish. It was a cycle, but now I am happily casual. So far, so good!