Feel The Dark Side

[nappy_pins]

Hi one and all.........just thought I would ask how many suffer and feel the force of the dark side.......people who have come to know me expect the up beat joke making person 24/7....but in reality this is hard to do....then there is the enquiry as to why to aren`t a happy nappy chappy!!!!

well at times you cant be....and there is a hugh difference between having a bad day and being depressed and at the bottom of the the pit is dispare and black thoughts.

My question is for all nappy wearers......those who have been born with problems and those who now find themselves with problems....and those involved in terrible accidents.........whilst I suffer the dark side I cannot image what you must go through...I am not trying to sound complacent or patronising.....just curious about how others cope and feel with depression.

And yes by me asking the question......I am slipping into a dark hole again....sorry I cant be fun all the time.

But I love you all...look foreward to reading your replys.

[Nangza]

I am a person who spent his entire life from the time I was 6 in depression a lot of the time. I too know what it feels like to act the fool so others will laugh but no one to ever take you seriously. I had no idea, all up until I was 21 that I had all the tools I would ever need to be a happy and content individual inside myself. I saw an extremely good psychologist and he helped me to realize what it meant to use objective reasoning. This at least was what I needed, there are many forms of depression, many causes, and none of them are we prepared to deal with at the moment, otherwise we wouldnt be depressed. My advice to you is to seek out a good psychologist and tell him/her how you feel, trust me life is 100% better when you start to make that difference.

Collin

[baby-dandan]

Hey Nappy Pins and Nangza,

I know all too well what it feels like to be depressed! At the age of just 21 months old, I had cancer, it was a brain tumor, so in my case it was "it was a tumor!" The doctors had to go through my skull to remove the

tumor. To do this they had to bolt my head to a frame so I would hold still, I know now that surgery on the brain is very sensitive! I have been left with bolt hole scares on the top of my head and a scare on my neck where they had to staple my neck shut. Anyway it has left me with some disabilaties, but I consider myself lucky because it could have been alot worse. I have had major moments of depression and many dark thoughts, like thoughts of suicide, how to do it, and what to write on a farewell letter. It scares the hell out of you to relize you even thought about it! I am doing much better now though, after all the medications they put me on, I finally am on something that seems to help, so Iam crossing my fingers! There's a song I listen to by Pennywise "a punk band" that says "depression closes in, you can't escape. No one understands, they can't relate. You won't know until it hits you. It never goes away, you feel it everyday, your only hope is to change tomorrow. You wanna see a change for tomorrow, don't you wanna see a change just for you. You wanna see a change before you throw it all away, something is gonna break just for you! For me that really hit home! If any of you want to pm me and talk, feel free. Just know your not alone!

[Rhezz]

Some ridicilous figure like 70% of people in UK suffer from some sort depression or will do. Sad, ironicaly.

Been there, myself, been right down for a phew years, number of factors in my life. Complicated story and long.

But yeah, id have to be standing next to you on that one.

[Huggybutt]

Hello. I have to say that I know what you are talking about. I used to be depressed all of my life for countless reasons but the point is that I got help from people who care about me and want to see me alive. To anyone who feels depressed, get someone to talk to before it gets too late.

[drynot]

I went into a deep funk last year when my buddy of 25 years died in a car accident. It wasn't a pleasant experience and one I hope not to ever repeat. I found that if I could recognise the early warning signs that I was going into a dpressed mood it helped me gain insight over it and come out of it quicker.

[kilkenny90]

The last few years I found myself to be on a rollercoaster. Everything is great for a while then it changes and I get so down. There are times I just want to disappear. I also always feel the need to be "happy-go-lucky" around my friends, acting like everything is good and making everyone else laugh. I know I should go back to my therapist but I can't seem to make the call. I've been thinking lately that this (AB/DL) has a lot to do with it. I hide this from everyone in my life and feel like I can't be me, like I'm living a lie. Isolation, shame, fear, I feel these things and I wonder how prevalent they are among us?

[Necare]

Staring into the yawning abyss of depression, contemplating suicide? Yes, I can relate to that. Got a diagnosis of clinical depression three years ago. Apparently it has to do with an imbalance in the serotonin-levels in the brain. And of course it doesn`t exactly help having to go through a daily struggle with being AB, in addition to the depression. About the thoughts of suicide; I have contemplated on a variety of methods, from stabbing myself in the stomach, subjecting myself to hypothermia, ingesting pure nicotine, the old noose, electrocution, slicing my wrists etc. But the best method would be to put a gun to the temple, quick, easy, and probably quite painless. Pity then that I don`t live in the USA with your liberal gun-laws, in Norway you have to qualify for a damn hunting-licence before you can buy a rifle.

[babykimmy25]

Hi one and all.........just thought I would ask how many suffer and feel the force of the dark side.......people who have come to know me expect the up beat joke making person 24/7....but in reality this is hard to do....then there is the enquiry as to why to aren`t a happy nappy chappy!!!!

well at times you cant be....and there is a hugh difference between having a bad day and being depressed and at the bottom of the the pit is dispare and black thoughts.

My question is for all nappy wearers......those who have been born with problems and those who now find themselves with problems....and those involved in terrible accidents.........whilst I suffer the dark side I cannot image what you must go through...I am not trying to sound complacent or patronising.....just curious about how others cope and feel with depression.

And yes by me asking the question......I am slipping into a dark hole again....sorry I cant be fun all the time.

But I love you all...look foreward to reading your replys.

So sorry that you have fallen into the dark side,,I know how hard it can be to get back up... I'ts like a dark cloud....clouding all your thoughts is the best way i know to say...I have had a past with depression tried suicide 11yrs ago on a over dose..I am trying to fight it now taking meds to help with the feeling and seeing a therapist now....It's a hard struggle and i feel for you..If you ever need somone to talked to i'm here for you feel free to e-mail me.

HUGGS

Babykimmy25

[Rhezz]

Its likely you will suffer from it sometime in your life, even if it is just temporarly.

[sissyflowergirl]

Hi I suffer too from Depression and anxiety disorder. I too have felt that pain that drives the darkness I have fought back and continue to fight I hope all of you do the same cause the people that end up hurt are the ones that love us all the most

[Mr. Sea Otter]

Best wishes to all out there who feel alone. I am really lucky I guess in that I have never suffered from major depression, but some of my family members have and I have watched them wishing I could help.

I know you can't help someone by telling them not to be depressed, and I am not trying to do so. But I do want to let you all to know that (at least as far as I am concerned) being an AB or a DL is nothing to be ashamed of. I think most people here would agree to that. You're all great people and your uniqueness is what makes you special. I am proud to be a DL. Not proud in a "I want to march around in my diaper and show everyone" way, but in a "hey this is who I am, and I am not ashamed of myself for being happy" kind of way.

Take care all.

[baby-dandan]

Hey everyone!

I just wanted to add that ; my thoughts of suicide have become alot less frequent since I started on some new medication that really seems to help! Even the times I did think of suicide, deep down inside myself I knew I just couldn't pull it off, and I am sooo glad I didn't! I have had people call me selfish many times before, but then what would be more selfish than to throw away the feelings of all those who love and care for you? That has always been something for me to think about in times of despair. Best Wishes to everyone!

[iamafemalebaby]

It is true that we all at some point in our lives have suffered with depressive thoughts (I too have been there when I lost my baby 15 years ago on my 29th Birthday) It was particularly tough as it was my first child and I didnt cope well.

My partner left 3 weeks afterwards and so not only did I lose the child I wanted I lost him as well.

I was bitter, angry, sad, confused and could not seek the help I needed for fear I would be locked up! I had to move back home as I was having suicidal thoughts and so back at home childless and no partner I sunk quickly into depression.

I didn't know where to turn or who to talk to because I felt I was so alone and that no-one would understand what I felt and so my decision was to just go it alone. I had no computer for internet advice either.

The feeling never went away and so for 3 and a half years I was in this black void. I cried constantly and when I wasn't crying I was angry and trashed the house. My parents didn't know what to do for the best. I also suffered violent nightmares which scared me senseless.

Finally I started work again and I thought I could cope but I couldn't as one of the girls brought her newborn baby into work and I felt sick and ran crying into the toilet and wouldn't come out - people there thought I was a freak, until my boss came and spoke with me and I told her and she just hugged me and then went and explained to the girls.

It was then that I decided to seek help and I was referred to a Psychiatrist for assessment. It was hard for me to accept that I needed that type of help but now with thoughts I was going to harm children or babies I knew I was spiralling fast. I spent 3 hours pouring my heart out and crying lots but it was all significant.

I was put on very mild tranquilisers and a fortnight later I felt on top of the world.

I never had to go back there and I have never sunk that low again although I know that it may happen again but for different reasons, but who knows what is around the corner depression hits us all hard and when it does we need to seek help straight away and not wait.

After the tablets I took I made up my mind I was going to go to Germany and be a Nanny and that's what I did do. Miles away from anyone I knew I flew to Germany and looked after a baby of 3 months, a girl of 2 and a boy of 4.

It was tough holding that baby in my arms and yes I did cry, but it was tears of happiness as I had come through everything and finally got to Germany and it was a great experience. I turned the negativity around.

So all of you reading this I know it is hard but you can find the happiness you desire but you have to look deep inside yourself and ask yourself what you want, when you know that do something about it.

I wish you all the very best of luck.

[Andy]

... I'ts like a dark cloud....clouding all your thoughts is the best way i know to say.........

Had to smile a bit when i read it. I describe it very similar. Additionally I say something like "...if you see a dark cloud I cant be far away..."

When i´m in mayor depression i force myself to do things which keeping thoughts away. Such as jogging . when i go jogging i am used to only concentrate on the way in front of me. believe me, it kinda empties the brain up. Some herbals helping too in case of depression. some of you may know the warpyourmind website. although there are a lot questionable practice files it contains some truth too. warpyourmind isnt self hypnosis how it is often called. here in germany we call it 'Autogenes Training' or sometimes 'positive thinking' and some docs teach it. I learned it in my early teens after my 2nd mayor depression and do it on myself pretty successful these days. It isnt something only psycho-docs teach.

Yes I sometimes think of suicide but to me this isnt the answer and i don't get tired on looking for the answer(s) so suicide is out of question even if i´m miles below the ground. For example , when I´m down I start to look for the next answer - how to get out of the whole again. I do this in little steps like free-style climbers.

This tactics may not help someone else but hey if you havent tried you won't know.

Cheers

Andy

[rickibrat2]

Hi one and all.........just thought I would ask how many suffer and feel the force of the dark side.......people who have come to know me expect the up beat joke making person 24/7....but in reality this is hard to do....then there is the enquiry as to why to aren`t a happy nappy chappy!!!!

well at times you cant be....and there is a hugh difference between having a bad day and being depressed and at the bottom of the the pit is dispare and black thoughts.

My question is for all nappy wearers......those who have been born with problems and those who now find themselves with problems....and those involved in terrible accidents.........whilst I suffer the dark side I cannot image what you must go through...I am not trying to sound complacent or patronising.....just curious about how others cope and feel with depression.

And yes by me asking the question......I am slipping into a dark hole again....sorry I cant be fun all the time.

But I love you all...look foreward to reading your replys.

I would bet a lot of us older ones here have gone thought depression figths at many times in our life's.

i know as a child bed wetter and pants wetter there were many times i just wanted to be like the other kids, and even in play today that is what i prefer i have no interest in acting like a baby.

many of use have been abused at the hand of others over the years speical when we were younger

a lot of us here live thought a goverment vacation called viet nam.

were when we came home no one care.

you see on tv thepictures of the peole outside churchs say the people dead due to the goverments view on gays and allowing them and aborthion

back in viet nam days we were called baby killers byt the same fools who have no idea of what it was

many have gone thought relationships only to be rejected to our feelings or for our need to wear diapers

i lke many others here wear diapers for real i have no choice but to act like a little boy knowing full well that with in time i will be doing something or playing with toys "way bigger toys then i played with as child' and i will fel a et warm feeling and have wet pants.

[peedpants]

I would bet a lot of us older ones here have gone thought depression figths at many times in our life's.

i know as a child bed wetter and pants wetter there were many times i just wanted to be like the other kids, and even in play today that is what i prefer i have no interest in acting like a baby.

many of use have been abused at the hand of others over the years speical when we were younger

a lot of us here live thought a goverment vacation called viet nam.

were when we came home no one care.

you see on tv thepictures of the peole outside churchs say the people dead due to the goverments view on gays and allowing them and aborthion

back in viet nam days we were called baby killers byt the same fools who have no idea of what it was

many have gone thought relationships only to be rejected to our feelings or for our need to wear diapers

i lke many others here wear diapers for real i have no choice but to act like a little boy knowing full well that with in time i will be doing something or playing with toys "way bigger toys then i played with as child' and i will fel a et warm feeling and have wet pants.

[nappy_pins]

I suppose my reply to those already posted is going to be predictable.........after reading them I feel what right have I to feel depressed.......The AB thing is a place for me to hide when I am depressed and certainly does not make me depressed.

But hey guys and girls....I thought the pressure was just on me to act the fool.....and there are so many other fools out there........but with tragic tales and problems also having to act.

From the bottom of my heart I thank those people who have shared their thoughts and lives with me....I know it has taken a great deal of courage to do that.

Yes I am still under the quack and seeing the shrink plus the therapist and taking handful of pills....but you guys are the best....and truely helping me to try and understand the dark force.....again foregive me then if I do not want to play the fool all the time and just want to sit and watch.

I am so glad I met you lot.....you are keeping me alive.....I look foreward to reading more posts from my friends xxxxxx

[iamafemalebaby]

Pinsy

It was a great day when I met you online and always cheers me up when I talk to you, what depresses me is not being able to help you remove the dark side from your life.

You are a very special friend and I think I speak for most of us in chat your personality is just so needed and people look for that but we all understand it isnt easy being the clown all the time and clowns need a rest too!

Please talk to us when you are down - I know you are a proud person and need to work things out for yourself but anytime you want to talk you know I will listen.

And thanks for making me your number 5!

Love ya Pins you are da best!

[kaithlyn_d]

as i read this thread, i am crying.

u see the reason i live with my brother is cos, i have tried within the last 2 years to kill myself.

i have always been depressed, but never let it get to bad.

and it didn't till Oct.6, 2003. that was the day i found out my bf killed hisself. we had been together for 4 years, and was going to get married after he go out of college. he was the greatest. and i still miss him.

after the funeral, i went into the city. i was looking for any drug dealers i could find. i was going to kill them. i chickened out at the last minute.

i used to go to the cemetary every night. i couldn't and still have problems letting go. the last time i tried to take my own life i was in the cemetary. was drunk. i put a garden hose in the tailpipe thingy, and in my window. i turned the car on, and breathed in the vapors.

i went uncouncious and the next thing i knew daddy was over me telling me to wake up. was taken to hospital, where i met a shrink. we talked a lot. was given the choice of liveing with a family member, or go to hospital. i chose my brother. was diagnosed will acute dysthemia. my parent sold my car, and i was moved to my brothers house.

i told my shrink about my ab side, cos i have too wear diapers, and the next week. he told me about dpf. lol he was looking on compy for support groups for me. my mom and i went out and bought my compy, out of the money i gotted 4 my car. and here i am.

god i still miss todd. but i am getting better, and i feel so bad for everyone who feels this way cos i know what its like.

heather

[iamafemalebaby]

Dear sweet Heather

You and Pins are so dear to me and I feel for you both very deeply. No-one can fail to be moved with what has happened to you in your young life but you have coped extremely well under the pressure you endure with every day.

You are a sweet person with so much love and understanding and you will meet someone special soon to share the rest of your life with you see

I dont know why these things are put before us to climb over but I do know they are there for a reason but what reason I have yet to find out.

We all share a common bond and this bond brings us all closer and we are indeed a large loving family with feelings that go deeper than the grand canyon.

I wish I could take the hurt away from everyone who posted on this topic but I know I can't - but the one thing I can do is listen and be there for ya anytime - It is times like this when I wish I could do magic or I had a time machine or I had the money to take you all out of your sad existances and take you to better places. I know I cannot do that physically but maybe I can mentally be listening and talking through problems a problem shared is a problem halved and if you want to talk feel free I don't charge for my services I love being there for ya and will continue to be there for ya.

Love yas Heather always will Sis!!! U too Pinsy

[kaithlyn_d]

alone in this house again tonight, i got the tv on, the sound turned down, and a bottle of wine, theres picture of u an i on the walls around me, the way that it was and could have been surround me, i'll never get over u walking away,

and i never been the kind to let my feelings show, and i thought that being strong meant never loseing self control, but i'm just drunk enough, to let go of my pain, the hell with my pride, let it fall like rain from my eyes, tonight i wanna cry

would it help if i turn this sad song on, all by myself is gonna hit hard now that ur gone. or maybe i'll fold some old yellow lost love letters, it's gonna hurt bad before it even gets better, but i'll never get over u by hiding this way

and i've never been the kind to let my feelings show and i thought being strong meant never loseing self controll, but i'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain, the hell with my pride let it fall like rain from my eyes. tonight i wanna cry

[iamafemalebaby]

Maybe Heather hun you have to let the pain come out before you can heal properly.

Once the poison is gone from your system it will then have the strength to heal and you will be happy again.

I learned that whilst I was sad and suicidal that no way could I heal or function properly you do need to let go but you have to be ready.

You are not ready yet but in your own time it will happen and you will move on.

If I could bring Todd back I would I would do anything I could to make you happy again but I can't but time heals and it does but you have to be ready to accept it. Once you do that you will be ready for the next step and that does come with time.

Best wishes Heather always xxxxxxx

[Alex Nappy]

I've never been through what you've been through Heather, but don't bottle your feelings up.

Let it all out. It's the only way.

I am extremely sympathetic to what you're going through, as we all are.

Hope you feel better soon!

[kaithlyn_d]

ty alex

i ok most days

heather