When You Told Your Spouse...

[diaperpt]

I don't want to turn this into my thread, but thanks Rosalie for your supportive comments.

Bettypooh, I agree with you as well. Yes, I'm trying to strengthen the relationship, but there are some other strong factors going against our relationship.

I say this only to highlight that this is probably true in most struggling abdl relationships. If it were just the diapers, there would probably be more understanding and/or more acceptance.

All of this is information the OP must take into consideration.

In speaking with a good (online) abdl friend, I was reminded that one thing going against me was that everything hit the fan at once and my wife was thrown into this all at once. Abdl is certainly one of those things where it must be approached carefully, cautiously and a little bit at a time. At the same time, I can see that the spouse could be upset with that because you are just parcelling out information. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. I think that's why clearing the air at the beginning of a relationship is the way to go in spite of all I've said here in the past.

[aleyxsis]

I told my x wife way before we got married but she also had to acceppt the fact i was a crossdresser too ,At first she was ok but not to happy she could somewhat acceppt the cding but could not wrap her head around the diapers (i cannot blame her ).3 years later we got married and stayed married for 15 years .I went to shrinks dr.s the whole gamment she thought it would all stop but guess what ??????????? it did not go away .I was supposed to solve it and fix it and come home with the answer she wanted to hear which was guess what honey im cured

In the end it all ended she thought she was way better off without me (good for her ) do i sound bitter ? lol

Now fast foward my x GF also knew about both but once again could not wrap her head around the diapers she was really cool about the cding and i never asked her to participate with the diapers but she got freaked out anyways .At least we are still good friends and she still trys to understand unlike my x she is still a shallow money hungry B%$^CH .Good for me !, i have basically been throu hell and back the last 5 years but i will not make the same mistake again !

[rosalie.bent]

What Briguy said though I'm not in full agreement with Rosalies statement about not understanding being acceptable Understanding on a logical level can be achieved through learning, and everyone owes that much devotion to their spouse. Understanding on an emotional level is something we can't create, but we can learn to control in our own self We owe it to anyone we care about to try to understand them and to keep trying until we're as successful at that as we can be. In those cared-for people, yes- we must accept the things which make them who they are or admit that we don't really care as much as we said or thought if things are to continue heading in the right direction

Bettypooh

Just a correction... I said 'understanding' was optional but 'acceptance' was not.

[rosalie.bent]

I told my x wife way before we got married but she also had to acceppt the fact i was a crossdresser too ,At first she was ok but not to happy she could somewhat acceppt the cding but could not wrap her head around the diapers (i cannot blame her ).3 years later we got married and stayed married for 15 years .I went to shrinks dr.s the whole gamment she thought it would all stop but guess what ??????????? it did not go away .I was supposed to solve it and fix it and come home with the answer she wanted to hear which was guess what honey im cured

In the end it all ended she thought she was way better off without me (good for her ) do i sound bitter ? lol

Now fast foward my x GF also knew about both but once again could not wrap her head around the diapers she was really cool about the cding and i never asked her to participate with the diapers but she got freaked out anyways .At least we are still good friends and she still trys to understand unlike my x she is still a shallow money hungry B%$^CH .Good for me !, i have basically been throu hell and back the last 5 years but i will not make the same mistake again !

Sorry to hear that ALeyxis. But it sounds like diapers werent the real cause of your splitups. And perhaps that is the issue: that diapers are sometimes just one straw too many for some couples rather than being nthe actual problem?

[BigBoy]

I think a lot of it comes from how you present it. If you tell your significant other like you are confessing something bad, I think the person will react in the way you are more or less setting them up to react (unintentionally). I told my exwife before we were married, a few months into our courtship.

They way I did it was a little probing pillow talk. I asked her what is that kinky stuff you go to in your head when you are close to orgasm. What is dirtiest, unspeakable thing that turns you on?

My wife told me she wanted a threesome or foursome. Not my thing, but I was willing to participate. I'm like, let's do it. We talked about how and such. There is a lot more to that part of the story, but you get the idea. Main point, be willing to make her deepest darkest kink become reality.

The same inquiry was turned to me. I told her. The next day we went to the store together to get diapers. I was content to just wear them. She insisted I wet the diaper. A week or so later, she wanted me to mess my diaper. We explored, there were somethings that were really fun, somethings weren't working as much as i liked.

I think the whole thing made us even more intimate. I dont mean in just the sexual side. I think it made us closer.

She got to see the counterbalance to my Type A personality. My big is BIG. My little is lil'.

[bbj]

having had the experience of sharing this 'lifestyle/fetish/need' with my ex wife of twenty years and my current wife of five years, i would have to agree that coming clean on this as early as possible in the relationship would be fairest option for all concerned.

as hard as it may be to open up to somebody else, let alone articulate in some way that makes any sense or meaning.( lord knows it's hard enough for myself to understand and accept), it needs to be done in the steps towards a truly honest and trusting relationship.

hindsight is a wonderful thing but i can see now that my marriage to my first wife was over well before i uttered my first stumbling words about my secret i had kept, believing that it may help save our marriage in some way. I would'nt say it was the final straw that broke it or the dealbreaker, but it just became another issue in the 'too hard basket'.

my confession led to many visits to a psychologist, at her insistance, even though i had readied myself with information for her. I was diagnosed with major depression which was a relief in a way because I was not functiontng very well at all and my 'regressive urges' were nearly out of control.

the marriage ended but we have kept an amicable relationship, with her even asking me if I had told my new partner about my stuff as she put it.

my current partner (wife) knew of my need, to some extent at least, from very early days of the relationship.

her limited involvement in bdsm made it easier to broach the subject but trying to explain the nitty gritty of it all has still been chalenging and embarresing. incorporating it into a balanced life style amongst all the other dynamics within the relationship remains a work in progress and a very enjoyable one at that.

[sukyb]

My darling husband, bbj, is an AB/DL; and for the majority of his life, it has been a source of shame, restlesness, resentment and ultimately rage. Rage is a harsh word, but when a person is confronted with something that he cannot control, a need he is powerless to stop and a want that he has been taught (within the somehow wonderful limitations of our societys 'acceptable behaviour' ) that is completely UNACCEPTABLE..Where does he go? Within himself, and there he finds the same needs and wants.

How is a person to feel complete, loved and ok when they are completely shamed within their own being

Where does such emotional turmoil go? Nowhere, nowhere but within their shattered and ultimately hurting soul.

Hence the anger; the rage at themselves to not be the person they are meant to be. The adult, the man, the responsible being that was brought into life and expected to uphold all the world his shoulders could take.

Funnily enough, I met my husband when we were both simply friends, and found the release of each others secrets simply a source of conversation.

As his needs were slowly revealed through our lives, I've slowly been overwhelmed, scared and I'll be honest, a little lost as to how I'll be what he needs..if I could at all.

The humour in this scenario is that I have a similar need, just minus the diapers...and I was left wondering how in the hell I could ever be there for him.

Then, well, it's still a work in progress, but when he is bbj, well I can't describe how much I want to protect him from the world, let him be that being that has been shamed and squashed for sooo many years. To hold him, love him, let him be is sincerely a joy within itself.

I guess love is truly all it takes...

After all, it's just a diaper.

[lilJester]

when i told whoever i was with, i was then single after that moment aside from one person who understood that i can't control my bladder at night at all....but other than that, yeah, pretty good way to make a girl break up with me apparently.

[palmd84]

I came clean to my wife about 3 years ago shortly after we got married when we started living together. We had a complex distance relationship going for long periods of time prior to that, only living together for 2-3 month of each year, which made it difficult to bring it up earlier because I just figured I'd be able to repress the urge to wear for those times. In retrospect I definitely should have told her earlier. When we got married I figured I could completely repress it, I now accept that it's pretty much hard-wired into my brain and I doubt I'll ever be able to get away from it.

Anyway, only a month after moving in permanently together I know I had to tell her, but couldn't quite find the right opportunity. Finally, one night she asked me how to spell "diaper" (she was taking ESL at the time), it kind of stunned because it came out of nowhere and I figured that would be the night. Later, that night in bed I told her I had something embarrassing to tell her but wasn't quite sure how to say it. I danced around it for awhile before finally spilling it all out. When I finished she just laughed and said she was expecting something far worse (infidelity), but she didn't have any problem with diapers. The next morning we went out to the door and bought some together; she kept reassuring me because I get pretty self-conscious buying. She even put one on me and tried one on herself, though she hasn't really worn since because she thinks they get too hot (she has really sensitive skin). She doesn't usually put them on me anymore, which is ok by me, but she's completely accepting and even said she thinks I look kind of cute wearing a diaper. I definitely consider myself lucky in those regards. In fact, she was the one who suggested I post here after she saw me reading over some of the other posts.

As bad as it can be to see a relationship end due something like this, I think it would be much worse to live your whole life repressing ab/dl-ism not even knowing if your partner might be completely accepting of it.

[rosalie.bent]

""As bad as it can be to see a relationship end due something like this, I think it would be much worse to live your whole life repressing ab/dl-ism not even knowing if your partner might be completely accepting of it.""

How true. I dont believe relationships break up solely because of diapers so imagine if youd been married 30 years and then find out your partner COULD handle it!

No guts, no glory!

[happyindprs]

I was into diapers long before I met my wife. After we fell in love I struggled with the idea of coming out about my diapers but could never quite figure out how. On a day before we go engaged I told her I had a secret that I hoped she would understand but I still could not bring myself to tell her in person. She suggested I write her a letter (pre-internet), She said that way I could get it off my chest and she could take her time finding out . We have been married for over thirty years and I am diapered 24/7

[bigbabygee]

When I first met my wife there was something special,I think I told her straight away or at least very soon after we spent our time together.Nothing happened as we were moving around with new jobs but then when we were settled I gave her some magazines,Forum,that had articles stories involving people who wore nappies unknown to me I was called to the bedroom and nappied and dressed as a baby for the first time.She brought a baby outfit from a joke shop and nappies and plastic pants from a chemist.I was shaking with fear and excitement the first time it was her that told me I could wet my nappy.Now years later I find myself without a partner and wondering if I could be so lucky second time around though the baby side is there,it will not go away,it isn't as important part of me as years ago.

[Guest]

Well, we are very special people with a unique and off putting lifestyle. I wish all the best to any of you that are wishing to tell a spouse, parent, boyfriend/girlfriend, or friend about your abdl side. Most likely because of my sales pitch and approach, i was unsuccessful right from the start and hiding it and waiting years into the relationship was probably not the best idea, BUT, despite of what alot of posters have said on this thread about not waiting and just putting it out there early on or right at the beginning of the relationship not only will be a deal breaker for some but can ruin lives and many relationships beyond the one they are trying to make stronger. I know i'm being the devil's advocate about alot of this, but it comes from trial and error, many failed attempts to fit this fetish into my relationship and experiences. Sometimes it's just not as easy as "take it or leave it.". Trust me, I would love it if it were that simple, but this fetish is not simple to the one who is unfamiliar to it. We all know our desires and we all know that we want to only include our S.O.'s into something that is a part of us and just to be ourselves and be loved unconditionally, but when it comes to the moment of trying to translate what's in our head to our loved ones, we choke. Whether it's from awkward silences, judgement or just the simple fact that we want to keep these people in our lives no matter what and the slight chance of them falling out of love with us because we have a "strange" fetish scares the living hell out of us. Kudos to all of you wonderful people that have had success in making abdl a part of your normal everyday lifestyle with your spouse. I'm slowly working on it!

[CDLover]

I haven't mentioned this here before about how I came out to my ex...

We were making love one evening and I was sucking on her breasts.. She was typically very quiet and reserved so I was rather shocked when she said, "I like to think of me nursing you." I hadn't told her about diapers at this point as they had recently resurfaced after many years, but I immediately thought of being nursed while wearing diapers.

So one day a few months later, we were out on nice summer day relaxing in the middle of a lake in a boat. I screwed up my courage and said,, "Remember how you mentioned you liked to think of me nursing? I really liked that too. One thing I'd really like to do, is to do that while wearing diapers." She was already used to me x-dressing while making love, which was OK but diapers did not go over well. She absolutely hated the thought of me wearing diapers. For me the urge got stronger and stronger and her resistance got just as strong.

This brought out all the weaknesses in our marriage exemplified by my pushiness and her reluctance to talk. Had I a chance to do things over I probably would do things differently, but I don't know if we would have ever gotten over the "diaper hurdle." My desire for diapers would not go away and her resistance would not diminish... I really don't know how we would have over come this, unless I wore less, but for me this did not seem like a workable solution...

CDL

[blaincorrous]

The most important thing to show is your humanity. Show that you have a weakness but you can muster strength and rise to the occasion. Show that you can moderate yourself. Show control and self reflection. If it's causing you pain, don't hide the pain. In fact, in my case, the pain was the most important part. My wife didn't want me to be in pain over something she believed she would understand. She had no idea, but she had a suspicion that something was being held back. Ultimately, this is a litmus test for both of you in trust and acceptance... But most importantly, humanity.

And it is never to late to confide in your partner, but the sooner the better. It helps to have a discussion about the boundaries of your relationship. What is deal breaking behavior? Looking at porn? Casual flirting? Outright cheating? If your partner gives you the "you should just know" act, you have to counter with "not a mind reader". If fetishes fall within that safe zone, I say dive in.

[Guest]

I am in total agreement with having the conversation about all of the deal breaking behaviors before expecting anything to happen diaper wise...

Unfortunately I did not do this when I should have and now my current predicament and years of problems has made life for me more stressful than it could have been had I engaged in that conversation when I should have...

So many mistakes and self-loathing, when a perfectly honest conversation about our AB/DL lifestyles and what we want out of it, primarily with your spouse, needs to happen first.

[Guest]

another year has passed and things are worse than ever. ive fully made aware of my dl side to my wife in feb. at first she was supportive, then resistant, now a full out ultimatum of diapers never ever coming into our life again or she

[dl_ashlee]

Sounds like you need someone to talk to about it.

[paddeddad]

hey if you wanna chat pm me. I am an exellent listener and i think we are going through the same shit...

[aldl4811]

Well, here's an update on this situation/predicament of mine since my first post. It's been a rocky, touch and go couple of years so to speak. Lots of jokes from her and lots of missed opportunities on my part to clear things up while she was in a jokingly good mood. All my fault. Some time has passed and the topic did come up last year during a phone conversation where her and i completely had a huge falling out while she asked me all about my DL fetish. After telling her things that she obviously wasn't ready to listen to, i just insisted to dismiss the conversation and forget about it... Awkward. Time went by and more diaper jokes come from her with it going nowhere but a bottled up reaction on my face and the subject quickly changes. Until recently... Living in a world of my brain constantly telling me that i should be with someone who knows exactly who i am and loves me for it unconditionally, the conversation came up AGAIN. Amidst my intermittent misery of being with someone who only loves the qualities SHE wants of me, I couldn't take it anymore and when she made another diaper joke or brought up the subject next time- i was going to go for it, and i did. Sadly, the reactions were same as before, confusion, refusal to understand, negative judgement and labelling, none of which were in a playful banter even after countless nights of me trying to explain it to her. The sentence that is sticking with me the most is - "if i would have known about this before we got married, i would not have married you". I know things are said during arguments that can be emotional nonsense that isn't meant from the heart, but i can't get it out of my head... Things have calmed down for the last week since it came up, but i know and she knows that it is bothering me, but she tries to go on with our life while avoiding the whole subject and i am having a great amount of difficulty with going about my days acting like it's all just peachy. I don't expect her participation in anything to do with my fetish except to know that i have it, keep my diapers and things without hiding them and let me wear once and a while. She's sticking around and still wants to be with me, i know that is a good sign, but she has said in the heat of the moment that she wants nothing to do with it, how should i be taking that? I love this woman and only want to share everything with her including exactly who i am as a person, but am i asking too much?

[Snugglebear]

My wife and I have been married for 7 years, were engaged for 1.5 years and dated for a little over a year before getting engaged. I told her once we began to get intimate and once we knew there was a long term future for us. She was a bit confused at first but by being confident it wasn't a tough conversation.

Over the years we've had a number of conversations and have just gotten more comfortable and have added different diapered activities to our life. The diapers are kept beside the bed, the baby and sissy clothes are kept in the closet and diapers are just part of our daily life and aren't a big deal.

[bigbabygee]

I told my wife almost as soon as the relationship turned sexual,we had what is known as a courtship so it was easy and I had magazines with AB stories "Forum"that I asked her to read first.It was my wife that put me into a nappy and had bought fancy dress clothes to add to the fun I had not dressed up at this time only nappies and pants.As we had an adult relationship as well I was into pleasing her but I think she got more out of babying me than I realised.Every time I worked away my wife would make me new clothes and she loved friendly humiliations when we was out and about and me in a nappy.I never asked her to baby me but she made the first move I would say I went along with everything she done as I loved the attention.Sadly my wife passed away 18mths ago and since have craved the intimacy of a loving lady.

[Forced2wet]

I'd been trying to tell my wife of 19 years for some time and the closest I'd got many times whilst having pillow talk was hinting at it by telling her I had a unusual 'thing' I was in to.

But before I got round to revealing my DL side I was careless, rather than leave used slips outside with the rubbish (Like I'd done previously) I'd put them in the footwell of the car ready to dump in a bin somewhere. I'd forgotten all about them and I opened the car for my wife to get in whilst I locked the front door. She picked up the Tescos carrier bag containing the wet nappies and asked what they were. I said it was just rubbish and I took it and other stuff off her to put in a black sack later.

The next day she told me "I know what you 'thing' is and you're a weirdo"

We had a few words, having to be quiet because the kids were about, and I could tell she was struggling to understand........and why would nt she tbh.

I asked her to come to the local pub to chat. I bought her a meal and drink and sat her down to talk about it. She told me the penny had dropped the previous day, she'd seen used nappies before in the rubbish and assumed they were 'dumped' there by someone else. But once she'd seen the same things in my car she knew.

I tried to explain, I told her the history of my 'thing' and also told her about the various sites like this that I visit for 'answers'

TBH, I thing she was more annoyed that I had confided in strangers rather than her, my answer was that I know if I'd have spoken to her she would have freaked out and not understood.

Since then I mention it many times, joking at having nappy rash and pretending to be wearing when I was nt, and she has joked about it back over various things. But I know that she's not ready to join in yet and that's fine.

Although I'd love my wife to be active in my 'interest' I will keep it to myself for the time being and hopefully she'll ask further down the line if she's interested.

The bonus is, that now I can order packages online and not worry about being there when they arrive in the post

[Guest]

I'm so sorry to hear bigbabygee... I could not imagine what you went and probably are still going through. An outsider most likely sees our fetish as wrong, mentally ill, perverted, and maybe unnecessary. I've even had my wife say it is something I should be able just shut off or simply choose not to need anymore at all, cold turkey. Everyone here knows the truth about it always stays with us and never just goes away. I hate how hopeless people can be when asked to try to understand anything for love and happiness

[BigC300]

When You Told Your Spouse... http://www.dailydiapers.com/board/index.php?/topic/20873-When-You-Told-Your-Spouse%2E%2E%2E/page__view__findpost__p__653386 Believe me, your life will be much better if you just keep your fetish activities BETWEEN YOUR EARS only.