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Babypants
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This story continues to intrigue, more so for what you are not telling us than for what you are. I honestly did not think that, having written so many regression stories, you could come up with anything new, but you have proven me wrong. I long to know "who done it," and how. I'm guessing that it's an airborne virus tailored to the male chromosome. What sayeth you? And I continue to question how the species endures if you eliminate the male sex drive. Now that you have painted yourself into this particular corner (an omnipresent threat to all serial authors who don't work from a detailed outline or delay publication until they have fleshed out several additional chapters ... hint, hint) it will be interesting to see how you extricate yourself.
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Rather than thinking of it as a plot hole, how about seeing it as an opportunity to write spin-offs? When will the powers that be begin hunting down men who figure out what's going on and go off the grid? How about a John and Sarah Connor emerging to lead a revolt (it's obvious that this sinister plot is being executed by Skynet)? How about a guy taking a ride on the underground railroad, which by its very nature would be administered by women? What happens to women who actively or passively refuse to go along with the plan? Will the governors (who are, of course, infinitely corrupt and blessed with jaded appetites) keep a select body of super handsome male studs for their own pleasure on some secluded island? When you script an alternate universe, which is what you have done here, you have a platform that you can embellish at will. Go for it.
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But parthenogenesis only yields females. The male would quickly go extinct. If this is the objective of the planners behind this program, the rapid reduction of all males to infancy would lead to a more peaceful transition to the all female species. The alternative would be bloody in the extreme as, by the millions, men exacted their revenge on the eve of their annihilation.
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Interesting. If you eliminate testosterone, you also destroy the male sex drive. Unless, therefore, the powers behind this program have stored up a very large, genetically diverse pool of male sperm, this presages extinction of the species. Or does it? In 1972, Charles Eric Maine published ALPH, a science fiction novel that escaped this trap via parthenogenesis. Of course, in the distant future, when males have been extinct for ages, a group of female scientists just can't resist experimenting with a teeny-tiny cache of long frozen male sperm. Ah, but what happens when you open Pandora's box? I suspect that this novel would really spark your already active imagination!
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Let me thank you as well for the large type face. It's always nice to be able to read something without hauling out the reading glasses. A long time ago, I put an end to my first marriage when it became clear that it was either that or rework the fundamentals of my personality to satisfy my wife's demand for the perfect mate (as she defined perfection). Your protagonist seems to be caught up in the same dilemma. It has become obvious that he cannot have what he wants, and he will pay a very steep personal price if he opts to become what Karen wants. It will be interesting to see in future chapters whether he walks away, or continues to abet his own destruction.
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For a first effort, this is very well done. So far, quotation marks are appropriate throughout, but when you start sharing a character's thoughts with us instead of spoken words, conventionally authors signal the switch by shifting to italics. Discontinuity is the bane of every writer of a serial, so it's good to see that you are returning to earlier chapters and editing them as you go along. The most economic way to avoid these kinds of mistakes is to sit on a chapter until you have written the next three. This allows you to see the inconsistencies and iron them out off stage, as it were.
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Do take care when you attempt to repair the problems here, because it's not enough to change Jess' age from 16 to 22 in chapter 2. A 16 year old might describe Sue as a "dumpy, middle aged Frau", but you have put Chris' age in the late twenties, and it is unlikely that a 22 year old would describe a woman five to six years older in this fashion (I'm presuming that Sue is not fifteen years older than Chris). You have also told us that Jess wants to be a nurse, and you have actually done a good job of giving her the mindset of a mid adolescent female acting as a caregiver for an adult male. Rather than cosmetic changes, therefore, I would encourage you to do a complete rewrite of chapter 2. There are 2 ways to avoid continuity errors of this type when writing a serial: 1) work from a complete and very detailed outline; 2) do not put a chapter in the public domain until you have written, at a minimum, the 3 following chapters.
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In chapter 2, Jess is 16 years old, and your typical teen baby sitter. She appears to be living at home, where she assists her mother, Marg, in looking after younger siblings. In this chapter, she's working in an office, and from your phrasing, is working full-time. And again, the phrasing suggests that she is no longer living at home. By any chance, have you inadvertently combined elements of two different stories here?
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I would begin with a mattress protector. Unlike the mattress itself, these can also be laundered. I agree with you that cloth diapers and vinyl pants are the way to go at night, especially if you tend to sleep on your side. It also helps (a lot) to use the 4 pin method instead of 2 pins. The real question is whether to use pull on vinyl pants or snap on. From the point of view of hygiene, a snap on has the advantage of permitting air flow, which helps the skin to stay dry and thus reduces diaper rash. Of course, urine can also leak out if you sleep on your side. I use snap ons (I have not quite exhausted my once large supply of Comco products, which IMHO are superior to any comparable product currently on the market), but i place a smaller mattress protector (readily available at CVS) underneath me. I keep very careful track of this sort of thing, and can say with assurance that I have only leaked onto the sheets once this calendar year. In contrast, the portable mattress protector immediately underneath me typically has to go into the washer with the diapers every second or third load.
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Agreed, but we all have to keep in mind that reading works of fiction often requires suspension of disbelief. How many passive individuals have you met in your lifetime, as opposed to passive -aggressive? I can't put a name to one such individual crossing my path in a very long life, but this story, like so many here, hinges on this personality dynamic. Human beings also have a genetically coded sense of self preservation that simply vanishes in the pages of a lot of stories here. As readers, all we can do is encourage the authors posting on this site to keep challenging themselves to construct more realistic characters and plot lines, while at the same time sitting back and taking what we are reading at the moment as the enjoyable product of a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.
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We do need to keep in mind that this is a work of fiction, although admittedly the suspension of belief required by this story is somewhat higher than Mount Everest. Obviously, no board certified physician would perform such a procedure on any patient-- at least, not in the US. Radiofrequency ablation is a real technique, but it is used to counter incontinence, not promote it.
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"Mr. Bond, they have a saying in Chicago: 'Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. The third time it's enemy action'." Thus Goldfinger, in chapter 14 of the Ian Fleming novel. Lucy freely admits to spying on Mike. Lucy freely admits to snooping through his belongings. Lucy uses Hannah to bait the hook. Lucy uses Hannah to lure him in. And now, despite the fact that Lucy has from the beginning been open about her desire to baby Mike, she has nothing but baby girl clothes to offer him? We have yet to learn what Mike's reaction to this transparently obvious setup will be, but unless he is determined to self-destruct, his instinct for self-preservation should now (belatedly) kick in. It's time for him to bail, but not before locating and destroying the video cameras that he should presume are there and recording his every move. Of course, you may well choose to have the fly willingly venture even deeper into the spider's web, but if you do so, I hope that in the process you will flesh out Mike's personality sufficiently to make his choices and actions credible.
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CDfm, I would revise the last sentence to read: "I was well aware that I was now going to have to spend the next 8 hours wearing a thick noisy nappy in front of my colleagues--all of them so self-absorbed that I was sure no one would notice." My home sits on a corner lot without fencing, and for decades (weather permitting) I have been hanging a load of cloth diapers out on the line to dry every third day or so. In the past 33 years, only one neighbor has ever commented, and he wanted my advice on cloth versus disposables for his own blooming incontinence issues. If you are casual about this sort of thing, in my experience very few people will notice even the bulkiest of diapers, and the few who do notice will follow your lead and think it no big deal. In contrast, people will (eventually) notice dramatic shifts in your personal behavior, and wonder what is going on. So.yeah, it looks like our protagonist is in for a long day, but his troubles will all be self-induced. By the way, if you are removing a disposable in a toilet cubicle at a rest area or gas station, or your workplace, and you worry about others recognizing the distinctive sound of tearing tapes, you might try using a pair of fold up scissors to cut the tapes. The silence is deafening.
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Thanks for sharing this with us. An intricately woven plot, decent character development, and the steady, up tempo pace made this a delight to read. What makes it special, however, and not just another example of well written fetish porn, is the subordination of the diaper motif to the question of free will versus determinism (Fate). You have laid this out, with technological bells and whistles appropriate to our day, in a manner that is both plausible and thought provoking. In fictional form, this is actually the best exposition of the theme that I have read since Ernest K. Gann 's Fate is the Hunter (1961). At present, this is a novella, but it could become a Kindle novel if you took it out to 70,000-90,000 words. In this respect, I would encourage you to expand the beginning rather than change the end-- give Jack, and the company he works for, more of a history. You may or may not be familiar with Frank Tipler's controversial The Physics of Immortality. The Big Crunch-- what Tipler styles the Omega Point-- gives us an infinite number of universes, in each and every one of which Jack and Jaimie play out/replay their lives, as do we all. His is a very deterministic POV, so much so that deja vu can (and has been) explained as bleed through from one universe to the next. By adding zero and double zero to the roulette wheel, you have created a more hopeful universe-- one in which a happy ending is actually possible. I'm glad that you chose, in the end, not to give us an updated version of Greek tragedy! Again, thanks for the (free) ride. I suspect that, if you have not already read them, you would enjoy Ken Grimwood's Replay, and Richard Morgan's Takeshi Kovacs novels.
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This appears to be her first time in the house, so we are meant to conclude that she snooped around while he was off putting on his clothes. Still, how did she know to come knocking at this exact moment? The first sentence of this chapter emphasizes that weeks have passed since he last saw her. This is way too much of a coincidence for my taste.
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Sigh ... every woman on my block can fix a running toilet or paint the walls, and not one of them is intimidated by the 3 most dreaded words in the English language-- "Some Assembly Required." Since our fishing opener was this past weekend, I can't help but think of Mike as a fish who is now firmly on the line. Lucy is letting him run, but in due course she will begin to reel him in. Lucky fish!
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Interesting. The odds against this happening organically are astronomical, so what "tells" led Lily to conclude that the best way to get to Daniel was to set up the Mommy Violet persona? Looking forward to reading the solution to the mystery, and in the case of Natalie, hoping that Daniel is mature enough to understand the dangers of a rebound relationship.
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A promising beginning. Looking forward to the next installment.
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Let me strongly encourage you to include a chapter on Liz's time in hospital, and a retrospective in a courtroom setting looks like a great choice for the setting. This is about pacing, and the analogy that I would use is the manual transmission in a car. This story begins at a leisurely pace as you focus on Liz and Mrs. Clark (1st gear). The pace speeds up/ time is compressed when the mother discovers what is going on and starts torturing her daughter (2nd gear), but it then reverts to the original, leisurely pace in the segments on computer manipulation. We are still in 1st gear with the dramatic scene in the restroom, which is very well written, and the detail here makes the speed at which you pass over Liz's hospital trauma (4th gear) stand out at all the more. It's OK to alter the pace in a story (although this is actually quite rare), but you have to run through the gears because, as Dale Earnhardt, Jr. discovered at Pocono in 2017, bad things happen when you miss the gear shift.
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In the beginning, this story had the feel of a psychological thriller, and it continued to have consistent flow through the end of chapter 4. In contrast, chapter 5 is moving at a different, more compressed pace. Ten weeks in hospital recovery go by in the space of one paragraph. Is the discontinuity deliberate? Are you planning to revisit Liz's time in hospital in more leisurely detail, perhaps during the trials? Two other points to note here. In this chapter, you have Liz and Mrs. Clark burn clothing that in reality would have been removed by the police as evidence. And in the previous chapter, you have repeated incidents in which a 15 year old girl is publicly and indecently exposed on her front lawn. The police would have been all over this, and Social Services right behind them, especially with a concerned neighbor right next door bearing witness.
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Natasha? Do you mean Natalie?
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You are to be congratulated for taking the time, in outline form, to set this story up all the way to the end. I have repeatedly encouraged other writers on this site to write the end before the beginning, lest they write themselves into a corner. Moreover, your flow is very good. I am also strongly in favor of reveals, but remembering the old adage that you cannot introduce the murderer in the last two chapters of a mystery, I favor the layered onion approach rather than a single reveal. Giving the reader a steady diet of clues to decipher keeps his/her interest high. Two details in this last chapter caught my eye. First, Mrs. Clark lives right next door; and second, the mother is off at work 9 hours a day. Mrs. Clark is already conspiring with Liz, so what is to prevent the two of them from further, collaborative attempts to undercut the mother's apparent cruelty? I say "apparent," however, because Liz has just used one of Tommy's messy diapers to achieve multiple orgasms. I have wondered throughout whether Liz is manipulating both her mother and Mrs. Clark to achieve the exact outcome that she desires. Time will tell.
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An excellent story which, at least on the level of fantasy, might yield a host of spin-offs: "The Domme in the Grocery Aisle," "The Domme at the Bar," "The Domme in Seat 17A," etc., etc.
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Training Her Baby (Part 37 added 11/29/2020)
Babypants replied to Sarah_Hillcrest's topic in Story and Art Forum
Did something fall out of this chapter between "I don't think I can go back to vanilla life" and "Jim began to bawl ..."? He's just learned that his wife is a bi adulteress, and he doesn't react to this statement at all? Jim's failure to react here makes the balance of the chapter seem hasty and contrived. The flow from 21a to 21b would be much smoother without Pam's confession. -
Training Her Baby (Part 37 added 11/29/2020)
Babypants replied to Sarah_Hillcrest's topic in Story and Art Forum
You did a nice job with foreshadowing to set this chapter up. Looks like the wife and therapist really opened Pandora's box when they set Jim up for his first gay experience. There are a lot of directions you can take the story from here, and it will be interesting to see which one you choose.
