Dannyl

I'm so glad I've caught up on both of these stories. But also, woah, it seems like you're updating at least one of them daily? I know they're already complete. It's such a treat to have new chapters to read so regularly, though. Thank you. I really feel for Tess, and I love how there's this lack of information on both sides (Tess not knowing the extremes Gabby is going to; Gabby not knowing the significance of Spike or what actually drives Tess).

Different by Cipher12 has Charlie, who's been an Adopted Little for 20 years, but it doesn't entirely count, because he's able to be big when at home. But he seems happy and relatively well-adjusted for his situation. I think it ends up becoming quite philosophical - what can give someone's life meaning? Do you need accomplishments and agancy in order to be fulfilled? And what form does that have to take? For example, could convincing others not be a form of accomplishment? And if you can be happy without needing to be in control or accomplish anything, is that necessarily a bad thing? Like, if you don't hold "lofty ideals", are you flawed? And that got way more philosophical than I intended.

If you didn't know, Personalias has a SubscribeStar where you can get quite a few more chapters than what's been released here. I can heartily recommend it, if you're very invested in this story. He normally updates the chapters available to the public a few days after he releases a new chapter on SubscribeStar. The SubscribeStar is up to Chapter 208 at the moment, so 45 chapters ahead of what's here.

So, I actually liked the ending of this a lot. It felt right. I tend to like stories more when the character learns a lesson or something about themselves, and actually grows if they're able to learn it. Rather than a character just changing. And this short story does that quite well - Bill was super manipulative and selfish at the start, and was "rewarded" for that, so he never learned it was wrong. Until at the end, when that's what essentially led to his "downfall". Because he never learned the lesson that he shouldn't be manipulative and selfish.

I don't remember the context of where they met and very easily could have got it mixed up with another story. I remember there being a video call, and Paul being worried about her seeing stuff, but that was ages ago. I assumed that's who they were talking about. It's been a while since I binged this, so some stuff is fuzzy.

If you count Lilly as well as part of the Mommy wars (and if so, she's clearly winning), it's Lilly, Savannah, Amber, girl from the bar, and (unfortunately) Harley, which makes it a 5-way one. I'm honestly fine with any of them except Harley (but Lilly and Savvy are the healthiest for Paul, I think. I like Amber, but there's too much drama. And the girl from the bar is an unknown).

The worst thing is that the way Harley acts lines up with my biggest fear - that no-one is implicitly good and that everyone is just trying to manipulate each other, and I'm too stupid to see it. That everyone is actually just lying when they say nice things, and they're trying to trick you into their own schemes. That everyone has ulterior motives. And maybe I'm too naive to believe that people actually can care about one another. So whenever I encounter Harley, part of me starts to immediately tense up. And I know I shouldn't be letting it get to me - she's just a fictional character. So well done @Frostybaby for having such an effect on me. But I cannot understand anyone who deliberately goes out of their way to harm another, or puts themself and their desires above someone else's needs. Like, I try my best (sometimes to the point of paralysis) to ensure I do the best thing I can for the people around me. To see someone who has such a different value system is shocking. To not even care or notice that what you're doing is wrong, and can cause harm to another person is bad enough. But to actually get off on that? (Like Harley did after she filmed the "birthday".) No, fuck that. (That's not the same as sadism in a BDSM context, I have no issues with that. Yes, that's causing "harm". But it's done safely, conscientiously, and with consent.)

Harley's the worst part of this entire story. Tbh, I kinda skimmed the above chapter part - I have no desire to know anything more about Harley or her world. The less I know about her, the better. Still loving this story, though. It's been a kind of palette cleanser - the way Paul relates to his parents and them to him. At the moment, most of the other ongoing stories on this site with male protagonists (in the little role) seem to keep making their characters' worlds and situation worse and worse. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy those stories - I've been enjoying Winter on Wet Break, Stepmommy on Baby Duty, and Coming Home. But each of those makes me yearn for something that feels a little happier or hopeful. Which has been this story for the last while.

10: Separate Theo The giant had been killed! Not that Max was really Goliath, and not that I was David. But my word, it felt good to know that he was no longer going to be on my case. I wondered if he was going to say anything to his “Pack” or if they were still going to be an issue. But at least one of the enemies had been eliminated. That day had already felt incredibly intense. I’d held my emotions in around Max, or at least, I’d tried to. But I knew that I was shaking, and I didn’t entirely know why. I stood up, which gave me a stark reminder of the pull-up that was making my legs stand slightly apart. I’d almost forgotten. I pulled my pants up, to make sure the waistband wasn’t peeking. No-one knows. Except Max, but he was going to stay out of my way. The rest of the day passed a lot more smoothly than the morning. I couldn’t focus as well as I normally would in class. Every moment, I was listening out to hear a whisper or comment, or wondering if I was being looked at with pity, and maybe disdain. It felt like I was a joke, and no-one wanted to get closer, or else they’d catch some of my “stink”. It hadn’t been that long since I’d wet my pants in front of everyone, and I didn’t expect that to die down any time soon. What was confusing was that other than Max’s bunch, no-one had really teased me or said anything about it. Which made it worse; how can I confront something if it’s being kept from me. These classes were hard. I didn’t normally need to think that deeply in order to do well. But now it felt like if I wasn’t giving a class my full attention, I was going to do badly. And this was the year when I needed to prove myself, when my entire future was at stake. Anything less than perfection isn’t good enough. The first time I did a “check” without Max felt wrong — we’d only been doing this for a day, but it already seemed like something was missing. But that was probably a good thing; Max didn’t need to be a part of this. I was dry, as expected, and logged that. There was no urgency to go, but when I started peeing, more than a few drops came out. Some pride filled me up. Three toileting checks, three times my pull-up was still dry, three times I was able to use the toilet. But why did it feel hollow? In Chemistry, Mr Johnson was upset with the results of the labs. He didn’t tell us our results, but said that we seriously needed to spend more time learning about aqueous solutions. Apparently, everyone had performed significantly worse than expected. I got the feeling he was looking directly at me as he said it. A few classes and checks later, my brain felt fried, but it was such a relief for the day to be done. Max meant it when he said he’d leave me alone. I hadn’t had a run-in with anyone. It felt peaceful. Like I didn’t need to fight as hard. I hadn’t seen Max or the Pack at all. For that matter, I hadn’t seen Nate or Rose either. I didn’t know if they were staying out of my way, or if we just hadn’t run into each other. Some days just tended to be like that. After the bell for the end of school and a final “check”, I took the disposable underwear off. I said I’d wear them for school time, and it was no longer school time. It was dry, so I didn’t know if I should put it back in my bag, to be re-worn, or throw it away. I chose to keep it, as proof that I’d remained dry. I volunteered a few hours at the daycare: it felt great to have somewhere where I could just ignore everything else, and just be of service. At pick-up time, I did sneak a glance to see if Max was maybe going to pick up Luke. But it turned out to be Mrs. Carter. I don’t know why I was disappointed. Max How can I forgive you when every single step is a reminder of my humiliation? When even seeing you is a reminder that my Mom doesn’t believe me? It wasn’t that bad, was it? I mean, I was wearing a pull-up right now. And it didn’t feel remotely like the torture that Theo was acting it was like. If anything, it felt… good? Even though it was slightly… um, damp. But if I was making it worse by just being around him, that’s at least something I could fix. I’ll stay out of your way. I was going to stick to that promise. No matter how hard it was going to be. If I was going to turn over a new leaf, I was going to do it properly. It took everything in me not to go stand outside Theo’s class before the next scheduled check. I’d already packed my bags quickly, getting an angry look from Madame Dubois, because she hadn’t finished teaching yet. I wasn’t particularly interested in French grammar. I was out of the class and already walking there eagerly. Until I remembered. I stopped short. Instead of waiting there, or letting him see me, I slotted into a side corridor. It felt a little like being a spy. Theo left the class after the other students, as normal. He always takes forever to pack up his things. He walked with confidence to the toilets. If I didn’t know better, it would seem that he wasn’t even wearing a pull-up, and that nothing was out of the ordinary. Yes, there were still some whispers whenever he was around. And I hated that. I tried to block them out. “Why are we sharing a classroom with someone who pees his pants? Can you smell that? Looks like the baby has peed himself again…” That did actually cause me to sniff. Yes, there was actually a very faint pee smell. But it wasn’t coming from Theo. It was coming from… me. I blushed hard at that. But it didn’t make me want to take the pull-up off. There’s a guy that often hangs around Theo. I’ve never really learned his name, but I think it starts with an ‘N’. Any way, he looked much worse for wear than normal. He almost walked into the wall when he saw me. His hair was wet, and he smelled like trash. The old me would have teased him about that. Would have tried to rub it in. I already had taunts available. But I chose to let them go. *** Football practice. I hadn’t changed out of the pull-up, and I was very reluctant to. It felt like the last thing that was linked to Theo. If I wasn’t going to be able to talk to him, at least I had this. I chose to keep it on. Instead of going straight to the locker room, I headed to a bathroom stall, and got my boxers out from my bag, putting them over the pull-up. Except for the bulge, it wouldn’t be obvious. Or at least I hoped. “What was up with you today, Carter?” Brad asked as I plopped my gym bag down to change. I didn’t know how I felt about being called by my last name. Like, I get it’s the way footballers normally talk to each other. But it feels weird when one of your closest friends does it. I shrugged. He was probably talking about how I’d defended Theo earlier. It was the right thing to do. But he wouldn’t understand. Wrong move. “Max and Teddy sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G,” Brad taunted. I almost let my cheeks redden. Almost. Instead I let my anger consume me. I felt my fist start to form. And un-form. I didn’t let it get further. This tiny speck of a person was not going to have such control over my emotions. I took a deep breath. Play it cool. “Dude, he peed his pants. He’s trying super hard. It’s not fair to pick on someone with a disability.” I tried to get through to him. “Yeah, right. No way is Teddy actually disabled.” I almost rolled my eyes. Brad had never been particularly smart. I was going to have to lie, to save my own back. “Think about it. If I get Theo closer to me, it will be that much easier to break him later.” “Fine. I told the others to stay away from him today, cuz something was up with you. At least we got that Nate guy, instead. You should have seen how much he fought to not be thrown in the dumpster.” “Good one,” I responded, despite myself. Part of me did find it funny. Theo and his friends were always so prim and proper — Nate was worse than Theo that way. And at least Brad knew his name. But the guy that was so scared of messes being thrown in the dumpster made perfect sense. “Yeah. And then when he tried to go to the showers to clean up, we didn’t let him. Gave him a swirly in the toilets instead, and forced him to go to class.” A giggle escaped. That sounded perfect. I needed to tell him something better. “Talking about the toilets, can you believe that—” I stopped talking. I’d almost told them about Theo’s pull-ups. “—Luke had his first dry night last night?” Brad groaned. It wasn’t the best deflection, but at least it made sense. I’d spoken about Luke before, but it wasn’t something that anyone in the Pack cared about. They didn’t have younger, toddler brothers. They didn’t know the pride of hearing your brother talk for the first time, or take his first steps. “Why’d you have to ruin it?” Kyle snapped. “I don’t care about your stupid brother. And the story was fun!” I acted oblivious. Theo My mom picked me up at the end of the daycare shift. I still felt awkward about that; I wanted to be able to drive myself places. Worse, because other parents picked up their kids, it was another way that I was more like the toddlers than I was the successful teenager I was aiming to be. She read over the logs with no comment. I felt a little insulted at that; I’d stayed dry, and proved I could — was it too much effort to tell me that she was proud. But I suppose that was expected for me. Why should someone comment on something that’s ordinary. Max said he was proud of me. The thought came out of nowhere. If it had been a physical object, I would have pushed it away with all my strength. But ignoring thoughts is a lot harder. There was also no comment about the missing pull-up — Max’s pull-up. We had a quiet evening. I didn’t have much homework, so I spent some time playing some games with Rose. Normally it would have been both Nate and Rose, but I’d left a message for Nate, and got no reply. I had received one other message. It was from the unknown number which I knew was Max. I didn’t know what the message had said. It had popped up, and then been deleted so quickly that I wouldn’t have noticed it if I hadn’t been waiting for a reply from Nate. Around 10, my mom asked me if I was wearing protection. She seemed hesitant to be asking, and embarrassed. Which made me feel like I should be embarrassed. And part of me wants to just get over that shame. If I need the protection, then it needs to be something I wear with pride. I wasn’t wearing a pull-up at that moment. “Well, you should probably put something on before you go to bed, Theo. We don’t want to be dealing with a mess in the morning.” Gah! I was already planning to, but I wanted it to be my decision. Now she’d made it seem like I wasn’t responsible enough to think of doing that for myself, and like I was childish enough to need a reminder like that. “I’m not a little kid!” I snapped. “I didn’t say you were.” I grumbled a response, not really sure what I was saying. To be entirely honest, pull-ups didn’t feel that different from the briefs I was currently wearing. A little thicker, and a little more crinkly, but not unpleasant. I decided I might as well put it on then. It’s the first time I allowed myself to actually see how I looked with one on. I’d been too embarrassed the day before, and there wasn’t really a way to look in the mirror at school. I looked… cute. Yes, they were just different underwear. But somehow, the me that was looking back at me in the mirror felt more right than I’d felt in years. It felt like it was a better reflection of who I actually was. But that scared me a little. Not enough that I was going to put any pajama pants on over the pull-up, though. *** My alarm jolted me awake. I felt a momentary sense of relief. My bed was dry. Of course it was. I’ve only wet the bed once. It’s not like I need—oh. Yeah, I was wearing a pull-up. A wet pull-up. When I stood up, it sagged down. It wasn’t the greatest sensation. But it sure beat the stickiness of wet pants and a wet bed. There was already a pressing need to pee, but I was going to do that in the toilet, thank you very much. I raced to the bathroom, and slid the pull-up down just in time. “No pants?” my mom asked with a raised eyebrow, as I entered the corridor. She didn’t mention the state of the pull-up, but she seemed disappointed. I blushed, but didn’t respond. Instead, I hot-footed it back to my room. I ripped the wet pull-up off. We didn’t have a diaper pail, and I didn’t want to get one. My bedroom trash can would work fine. Old one off, new one on. I glanced in my mirror again. Last night wasn’t a fluke. I did feel more at peace with the pull-up on. It looked like the kind of thing that fit me, rather than the kind of thing that I would wear to make myself fit in the world. I’m a good boy! If I didn’t think about it too much, it felt like there was a part of me that wanted to keep wearing these. But it’s something I’m supposed to be embarrassed and ashamed about. I wished I had more baggy clothes. As it was, I was going to have to wear some loose-fitting chino’s, with a belt to hold them in place. I could notice a bit of a bulge, but it wasn’t too bad. Nate and Rose weren’t at any of the meeting places I would have expected. Nate still hadn’t replied to my text, and I was getting a little worried. I called Rose, but she didn’t pick up. So I was just going to walk the halls a bit before school started. I wasn’t really in the mood for just sitting in a classroom. The rest of the day passed tediously. I was still incredibly aware of the pull-up around my waist, and making sure that I did all the potty checks. I found myself looking forward to those times, to maybe have a chance to see Max. Until I remembered that he was leaving me alone. It seemed that everyone was leaving me alone. I was seriously missing Nate and Rose. I just wanted everything to feel normal. But it wasn’t. Everything felt like a chore. The one bright moment of the day was when Max had accidentally walked into me. Neither of us were paying attention to where we were walking. And he knocked the books I was carrying onto the floor with his full force. He was so apologetic, and helped gather everything up. Until he realized it was me. And then he kind of froze, and looked away. “Hey,” I greeted him. “Um, here you go,” he responded, and rushed away. Friday passed much like Thursday. I woke up to a wet pull-up, which was a bit disconcerting. Why had I suddenly become a bedwetter? I tried to reach out to my friends, but still nothing happened. I felt so alone. It was a relief to sink into the covers that night. I tried to ignore the thoughts about the doctor’s visit that was going to be happening the next day.

I'm looking for two stories that I think are fairly well known. 1. The New Girl in School, by Jilly Poo. It used to be on DailyDiapers before the 2017 crash, and then it was on abdlstoryforum, but that's gone. 2. The Trying Policy (I think the author's name had Sea Otter, not sure though) Would anyone maybe have these, or know where they could be found?

So, it depends on how I'm changing. If I'm putting another diaper on, then I like to make a show of it. Get a towel, powder, barrier cream, new diaper and get it all ready on my bed. In that case, untaping is easier. If I'm going back into undies (boo!) then it's quicker to do the standing change, in which case, yeah, I'd probably just step out of the diaper. And it also depends how quiet I need to be. If I need the diaper change to not be heard, then I'm more likely to take it off without untaping, and then muffle the untaping noise before bundling the used diaper up. But also, sometimes I don't want to use my diaper. In those cases, shimmying it down is common.

Thanks for the kind comments and likes. They made my week. My plan is to release a chapter weekly, on either Saturday or Wednesday. But I'm still working up to that. 9: Reversal Max When we’d entered the toilets, it felt stupid. Both Theo and I knew it: neither of us needed to go. We didn’t need the reminder, or the schedule. Yes, Theo had wet the bed. So what? Yes, he’d peed his pants at school. But it was a one-off. And this was a whole farce. The diapers, the logging, the babying. It was my fault. And yes, I felt so guilty. But so proud of Theo. We’d started heading to the urinals together. But then he’d made a sudden turn, going into the stall instead. His cheeks turned red. This whole situation was bizarre. I’d never entered a bathroom with another guy before, except maybe my Dad, when I was very young. Theo was taking this all in his stride, doing his best to act like nothing was out of the ordinary. But something had made him suddenly more embarrassed than he was a second ago. Did he have an accident? No, of course not! Just because he was wearing a diaper doesn’t mean that he’s not potty trained, or that he has accidents. But why did I even consider that possibility? You started this whole mess. I want you to feel at least some of what I’m feeling. Theo’s words. I didn’t know what I’d decided to do, until I’d got to the urinal. My tank wasn’t entirely empty, but there was absolutely no urgency. I was going to try and pee, anyway. But as I’d started pulling the zipper down, I’d had a realization. I wasn’t going to willingly pee my pants in front of the whole school. That was never going to happen. But this felt private enough. And a weird part of me wanted to. I wasn’t going to over-think it. I was going to do this for Theo. If I’m brave enough. I pulled the zipper back up. I gave myself a countdown, to psych myself up. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, go. Nothing happened. I tried to pee, again. Nope. Deep breaths. Eyes closed. “You can do this.” I strained, it felt like all my blood was going into my face. I almost started trying to strain to do the other thing, too. But I did not want to do that. “What are you doing?” I’d never heard Theo sound so gentle before. It made me realize why he was so good with the kids at the daycare. “I can’t do this, Theo.” It felt awful to say; it was like my body was betraying me. I want to do the embarrassing thing. Just let me. “Do what? Use a urinal?” Theo still sounded gentle, but also way more confused. He wasn’t mocking me. The words came out before I realized, “No! I can’t pee my pants.” I wanted to run away, or hide, or disappear. Why had I said that? I was still standing by the urinal, but I let myself sink to the floor. I wanted to see Theo’s reaction, but I also didn’t want to look at him. He wasn’t saying anything, but he wasn’t going away either. He’d also say down on the floor. I let out a sniffle; wanting to cry, but not allowing myself too. I already looked far too weak. We just sat like that, for a few minutes. If other students came in, we didn’t pay them any mind. But there probably weren’t others. The school bell rang, and I expected Theo to get up and just leave me. I half-wanted him to. What was he thinking about someone who just admitted they were trying to wet themselves? He didn’t move. I risked a glance at him. I expected revulsion, hatred, judgment. Those would be the expressions I’d be showing if someone said something like that to me. I’d never let them live it down. There was none of that. Not even the cockiness he normally would have had around me. There was confusion, and concern. He didn’t look away. I didn’t want to, either. But eventually I broke eye contact. “Why do you want to?” Theo asked, seeing that I wasn’t going to say anything. “I… I don’t know.” To show you I’m on your side. To show you that it’s not that bad. Curiosity. Because I don’t think it’s fair that you’re in this alone, and I want to take some of the pressure off. Because you said you wanted me to. Because maybe then people would see me as someone who needs help, too! “Do you know, and you just don’t want to tell me?” “What’s it like?” I asked, instead of answering. “What? Wetting your pants?” Theo asked. I nodded. “Not the greatest. It’s embarrassing. Sticky, cold, smelly. Your clothes cling to you, and everyone can see what you’ve done. And every step is a painful reminder of your shame. It feels like you’re broken, and that you’ll never be fixed. Like everything you’ve ever done doesn’t matter, because now you’ll always just be the guy that peed his pants. That’s why I don’t get why you want to. I’d do anything to take back that day in the cafeteria, but I can’t.” “Theo, I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize it was that bad.” He shrugged. “Yeah, well. It is what it is.” “I… I think I wanted to do it for you.” The gentleness went right out of Theo’s expression. “For me?!” “To see what it was like in your shoes. To show you you’re not alone. To try and be a good friend, instead of someone who just knocks others down.” “Oh.” He looked deep in though. “No. I don’t want you to do it for me. That’s not fair on you. You don’t need to ‘come down to my level’, as it were.” “I thought you said you wanted me to.” “Would you feel better if you did?” “I think so. I don’t know.” “Hmm. I have an idea.” Theo Max didn’t actually want to wet his pants, I don’t think. But he wanted to see what it was like in my shoes. I could do some of that, even if it might feel a little weird. Also, it was kind of pissing me off that we were missing class. Max might not care, but he was putting my future in jeopardy. I was praying there wasn’t a spot test, or anything like that. I didn’t really need any of the lessons (except when it comes to math and science, I suppose), but it sets a bad precedent. I didn’t tell Max what my idea was. I was going to wing it. I let my daycare voice come out. It was a little tricky to do when the guy you’re talking to is significantly taller than you. At least he looked a lot like his younger brother, so I could imagine him that way. “So, buddy, how did using the potty go? Were you a big boy?” “Um, Theo, I’m not a little kid. You don’t need to talk to me like—” I put a finger on his lips. “Shh. It’s okay. Looks like someone had a little accident. That’s ok, you’re still growing up.” “What the hell? No, I didn’t!” He was indignant. I imagined him stomping his foot, and sticking out his tongue. I stifled a giggle. “You know better than to use words like that, Maxie. And here I thought you were such a good boy. I tell you what. How about, if you promise to be good for the rest of the day, you get to wear a pull-up instead of a diaper, like the big kid you are?” This was weirdly fun, but I found myself wishing it was Max talking to me like this, rather than the other way around. He still wasn’t really getting it. He didn’t need to actually pee his pants for others to act like he had. After all, that’s what he’d done to me already. “I don’t need diapers,” he frowned. “That’s right! You don’t, kiddo. But, for safety’s sake, little boys who are still potty training, and have had accidents, need to be in pull-ups. That includes you, Maxie.” “Okay, timeout.” He made a T-shape with his hands. “What the hell are you doing, Theo?” “You wanted to see what my life is like. I’m treating you like you treated me, yesterday.” His eyes widened. A little bit of pink went into his cheeks. But he didn’t immediately get up and leave, or shove me, or do anything that I normally would have expected. It looked like he wanted to run, and that would be fine. I wasn’t going to stop him. “Okie, Feo. Jus fow today.” Max I didn’t hate it. No, correction: I did. It felt embarrassing to have Theo of all people talk to me in that way. My every instinct was wanting to fight back, to remind him that he can’t mess with me. And he was laying it on thick. Was it worth it? Probably not. Why was I going along with it, you might ask. I was asking myself the same question. I had no real answers, just lies that I was telling myself. To make Theo feel better. To show him that there was no ill intent. To ease my conscience. To prove that I could be a better little boy than Theo could. Or maybe to prove that I couldn’t, and show Theo that it was better for him to be. I wanted to treat him like a little boy, because that felt good. Being treated like that just… didn’t. Theo took a moment to collect himself after I’d said the words like that. It felt awkward and forced, and I wanted to cringe. “You don’t have to talk like that, Max.” “But—” “I wanted you to see what it feels like, and I’m honored you agreed to try, for today. But it sounds a little ridiculous to me. And I don’t know if I’ll be able to see you in the same way, if you continue.” He looked confused, and deep in thought. “I made you do it yesterday, though,” I pointed out. “Yes, and I hated it. This is embarrassing enough, I don’t want to force anyone to embarrass themselves even further. Even you, Max.” What the hell does Theo want? I thought he wanted to humiliate me, in the same way I’d humiliated him. Now he was backtracking on that. And I didn’t deserve it. I didn’t want him to be nice to me. I mean, I kinda did. But also, I felt guilty enough. And this was just making me feel more guilty. “Huh?” I asked, with more than an ounce of bewilderment. “Let’s work this out as we go. We’ve missed out on quite a bit of class already.” I shrugged. Fine, let’s go to class then. We were still on the floor, so I stood up to leave. Theo reached out for my hand, and gave me a tug. He wasn’t particularly strong, but I got the message. “We agreed that little boys needed pull-ups, buddy. And you’re not wearing one, are you?” He was looking at me expectantly, awaiting my response. “N-no,” I stuttered. “Can you be a big boy for me, and go put one on?” He opened his satchel. It wasn’t particularly obvious, unless you were looking for it, but his bag did have a different shape than normal. I saw why. The part closest to him was more curved than normal. And it was because he had two diapers — no, pull-ups — folded down there to be as discreet as possible. He took one out, and passed it to me. It was blue with a camo print in darker blues and grays. I suppose it was supposed to look cool, and like “big kid” underwear. But it looked more like paint splotches that made the product seem more juvenile than if it had just been plain. “Do I have to?” I whined. Theo shook his head. “No. But I do. Because of you.” He started putting it away. I snatched it from him. “God, Teddy, why do you have to be like that? I’ll put the stupid diaper on.” The stall door clanged against the wall as I opened it with too much force. No way was I gonna put it on right in front of Teddy; I deserved some privacy. I slammed the door, and locked it. What are you doing, Max? Pants and underpants went down and off. I put the brief between my legs. It looked like it was going to be a very tight fit. Why did this feel easier to do than wetting my pants? It should have felt harder, right? But it’s just underwear. Infantile underwear, yes, but nothing more. I started pulling them up. Yes, they were a super tight fit. But they would fit. My pants were back up. I prayed it wasn’t too noticeable. I could hear the crinkle as I left the stall, and I knew I was waddling. Teddy was still there, but he’d stood up, now. It looked like he was waiting for me. The gentleness he’d had earlier was gone. “Were you able to put it on, kiddo? I know some boys and girls need a little help with them at first, cuz they’re not used to changing their own clothes.” It was mocking, and it felt so much worse than before. “Yes, Ted-Theo, I put the pull-up on. Are you happy?” “Wow, well done, Maxie. Do you think you’ll be able to keep it dry all day?” “I’m taking it off before football. No way am I wearing this in the locker room.” He shrugged. “Do what you want, Max.” He was closed off again. Had I done something? Wasn’t this enough? Did he want something more from me? Theo I don’t know where my head was at. My own thoughts were complicated enough, and then you add Max and I get so befuddled. I was kinda glad Max was also in a pull-up. It wasn’t particularly obvious, unless you knew. But he definitely wasn’t wearing undies, that’s for sure. I hated him. I wanted him to know what everything was like. But I also didn’t, really. Mr. Cooper’s classroom was locked, when we went there. It made sense: he didn’t tolerate late-comers, and we were twenty minutes late, now. Thankfully, it didn’t look like there was a test or anything. He was lecturing. He saw me out of the door window, and mouthed “Later.” “What now?” Max asked, and I almost jumped. I didn’t realize he’d followed me. “What do you mean?” I snapped. I was kinda angry at myself for letting myself get close to him. He’s the enemy. Just because he’d been nice for a few minutes this morning didn’t mean that everything could be forgiven. He still thought of me as “Teddy”. He still thought I was pathetic. He still wanted to rile me up. God, Teddy, why are you like that? I didn’t know what he meant. Like what? I was trying to be reasonable. Trying to allow him to have an iota of control, in a way he’d never afforded me. What a waste of time that had all been. Me consoling my bully because he couldn’t wet his pants? And now we were missing class, and probably going to get in trouble. And it was probably going to go on my record. And then anyone who would offer a scholarship would see that I’m unreliable. And so I won’t be able to go to university, or if I did, it would be with awful student loans. And then I’d end up in a dead-end job, and never do anything with my life. And it was all Max’s fault! I stormed away from the classroom and from Max. I had no clue where I was going, but there was time before the next class, and I needed to blow off some steam. I wasn’t going to go hide out in another classroom. No, that was too much like after the day in the cafeteria. When everything had changed. To be honest, it hadn’t really changed that much. Yes, I now had a different form of underwear around my waist. Yes, everyone knew I’d wet my pants. Yes, I was spending more time with Max. But none of that changed who I actually was. None of that said that I couldn’t bounce back. But it still felt like I was no longer good enough. It felt like I’d messed up, and I was no longer trusted to not mess up again. I’d failed the test to prove that I was an adult. And if I’m not mature or an adult, what right do I have to a future? What right do I have to ask for a scholarship, if I can’t even be trusted to not wet myself? My legs ended up taking me to the elementary school playground. It was wooden, and at one time must have been painted in bright primary colors. But over the years, the paint had faded, until it seemed like an afterthought. It had its own charm, in a rustic way. The jungle gym was on top of a sand pit, that looked like it had got a lot of use before school had started. Some toys were still out, including a teddy bear that looked out of place, just because it wasn’t sandy enough. It had a grin on its face, and it made me long for simpler times. I stopped myself from picking the bear up. Instead, I headed for the swing set. I sat down on one of the painted wooden seats. I was kinda grateful for being a little short for my height, because it meant I could still fit fairly easily. I tried to imagine Max on one of the swings, and giggled. There was no way that he’d fit. His shoulders were too broad; he’d need to squeeze himself together. And he was too tall, so he’d have to bend his legs weirdly. No. No thoughts about Max. He’d messed me around too much, already. I took a deep breath in and out. Everything is gonna be ok. I kicked off from the ground, and allowed myself to let go. Up I went. And down. And again. It felt like I was flying. Like I was just me, without anything else. Like I wasn’t a joke. A disappointment. A failure. Like there was still time before life became awful. It had been years since I’d been on swings. I’d stopped playing on them years before everyone else: they were something that kids played on, and I didn’t want to be seen as a kid. No, not “didn’t want to.” Rather, couldn’t afford to be seen as a kid. My short size means that I needed to prove I was more capable and more adult, long before anyone else did. Otherwise, everyone would look down on me. Everyone would think I needed help, or that I was stupid. Or pathetic. And so I’d become a reader. If I can’t intimidate people with my size, then maybe I could convince them with my mind and my words. But now everyone already thought I was a kid. So why not indulge in some childish pleasures? It’s not like they’re gonna make that much of a difference at this point. Swinging on those swings was probably the most free I’d felt in years. Max Teddy stormed off. I let him. He was angry, but I didn’t understand why. It seemed that for every one step forward, we were taking two steps back. Well, guess what? I was also angry. I’d gone out on a limb for him. I’d agreed to go through some of his stupid embarrassing rituals. I was wearing a pull-up. I’d defended him to Brad. Fuck, I’d been willing to wet myself for him. Was that not enough? Was I constantly going to have to prove myself to him? It felt awkward sitting outside the classroom, on one of the benches. Like a naughty kid who’d been sent out of class. I also kinda wanted to storm off like Teddy had. But I had a lot less chances remaining than he did. Turns out that’s what happens when you’re a troublemaker. I didn’t realize what I was doing until it was almost too late. “Did you know Teddy’s wearing a diaper today? It’s almost like he really is a little boy.” I’d typed the message out into the group chat I had with the Pack. Thank goodness I hadn’t hit “Send” yet. I hurriedly deleted the text field. I’m better than that. Or maybe I’m not, but I want to be. Some of the admin staff gave me some side glances as they walked past, but no-one really talked. It was kinda boring, sitting around doing nothing. I didn’t trust myself with my phone right now. And being grounded at home meant I didn’t really have any homework to do. I’ve always hated reading. I’m not the most patient person, and it often feels like authors never get to the point. But at least it was something to do, to waste some time. I was reading when the bell rang. Theo hadn’t returned from wherever he’d gone. I was about to enter Mr. Cooper’s classroom to apologize, when he came and spoke to me. “I hope you’re not being a bad influence on Theo, Max. It’s not like him to miss class, or be late for it.” I looked down. I felt guilty, and I didn’t want to lie. Theo had missed class because of me, but I didn’t know how to explain that. But also, no, screw him and his self-righteousness. “We were dealing with something personal. I was helping him.” Mr. Cooper’s eyes grew big. “Did something happen? Is everything ok?” “I think it’s up to him to tell you, if he wants to.” A single nod. “Thanks for protecting his privacy. If he needs more time away from class, he can always get a pass. I’ll ask him about that. You two didn’t miss much, but I was hoping to talk to him after class. I won’t lie that you don’t seem the kind of person he would normally spend time with. I don’t know whether to be proud of you, or proud of him, for expanding your social circle.” We’re not kids! I wanted to yell at him. What kind of teacher talks about eighteen year olds that way? We’re not these little social groups that the teachers need to manage, to make sure everyone is happy. “I’ll tell him you want to see him,” I said, getting up to go to my next class. *** Around an hour later, I stood by the AP Math classroom door. My feet were moving back and forth. More waiting around, sigh. Thank goodness Theo was actually in the classroom; I was a little worried that he wouldn’t return after storming off. Was it a little creepy that I knew his schedule so well? I doubted he knew mine half as well. Ok, I lied. Yes, I was moving my feet back and forth, but it wasn’t because of boredom. There was a more pressing need — I was technically doing a potty dance, but trying to make it look as discreet as possible. Theo looked so cute at the moment. His face was compressed together, like he was overthinking and confused. Everyone else in the class seemed to be done with the test they were writing, but Theo was still writing more and more. I knew Math wasn’t something Theo enjoyed. Honestly, I was kinda surprised he was in the AP class for it. Either way, his Math skills were still vastly superior to mine. It still felt kinda awkward standing outside a classroom door. I felt out of place. This felt less bad, because I wasn’t in trouble. That didn’t mean I wasn’t getting skewed looks from some of the students in the class. If we were going to continue to do this (and I wanted to, I think), we needed to come up with a plausible excuse. My Family and Consumer Sciences class had gone quicker than planned: it was a relatively simple meal to cook, so I’d finished with loads of time to spare. While I loved those classes, I tended to rush. I couldn’t let anyone know that I was taking the classes. It had been a long argument with my parents just to let me; I didn’t want anyone else to think less of me. But now it meant I had plenty of time standing around, before the bell would ring. To while away the time, I people watched. The classroom was one of those with big windows, so it wasn’t like I needed to look through the tiny glass window in the door itself. The desks were arranged in rows, with the old-school style opening desks. Some of the classrooms had got newer ones, but the teachers made do with what they had. The blackboard had times written on it, with most of them crossed out. I think one of the guys was fast asleep. If this were my class, and I’d wanted to be a troublemaker today, I probably would have tried to do something with that. But I was content to watch. Theo took a sip from his juice bottle. The sippy cup I’d given him. It had embarrassed him a lot last week, but now it didn’t seem to phase him. If he wasn’t ashamed of it, no-one could tease him about it. And frankly, it was a better look for him. Not because it made him more like a kid: that was just a bonus. More because I knew he was clumsy. And this prevented messes. It did look a little incongruous, though. Theo was smart. But this room and all the pressure was taking too much from him. Why couldn’t he ever just relax? Have fun? Let down his guard? My bladder gave a little spasm, but I held on. It was close to the scheduled time, any way. That’s why I hadn’t just gone straight to the toilets; I should be able to hold it. I think me trying to pee earlier probably made this a little trickier. But how the hell had Theo managed to hold it in for so long on Monday? And even yesterday, for that matter. There’s no way I would have lasted anywhere near as long. To be honest, the two hour schedule wasn’t too different from when I would normally go. It was just a little more formalized. And there was no way I was going to admit to that. The bell rang. The rest of the students got up, gathering their things. The difference in noise between the silence of a second ago, and the volume of the conversations that suddenly bubbled up was startling. It shouldn’t have been; it was an everyday thing. But it felt different today. I guess I was kinda more aware of people than I normally am. I needed to feel less noticeable, or for people to not pay attention to me. That was kinda different; normally I wanted to be noticed. “Theo, time’s up,” Ms Hall said. He was still furiously writing. “Dammit,” Theo stopped, and handed his paper over. It was so easy to imagine him pouting just then. But his face remained neutral. It became more guarded when he noticed me. I didn’t want a repeat of yesterday, or earlier, or to add any extra pressure. So I didn’t go into the room, or remind him, or even talk to him. Please don’t take too long… His eyes widened as he saw me potty dancing. I don’t know how he could tell that’s what I was doing, when no-one else seemed to. He packed up his satchel faster than I know he normally would have. I felt grateful for that. No eye contact. Barely any acknowledgment I was there. Just a single word, “Come”, and he started heading towards the toilets. He set a rapid pace, which wasn’t entirely ideal. I matched it, though. “C-can we talk?” I asked, hesitantly. “Fine. But go potty first.” He didn’t say it mockingly, nor gently. Just factually. The Theo from earlier was gone. Or, at least, he wasn’t going to show that side to me at the moment. Theo My word, but Max had looked just like Luke back then. He needed to pee, but he didn’t want anyone to know. Moving to and fro, like that? Come on. He’s not angsty. Or if he is, he doesn’t show it. Or any emotion for that matter. I’ve been trying to get a read on him for ages, but he’s incredibly closed off. What? Any ammunition against your tormentor is useful. Luke “danced” just like that when he needed to pee. It was an easy enough tell. But I was confused that Max had waited for me. I didn’t get his deal. What the hell was he getting out of this? If he needed to pee, why didn’t he just go? At least he was a little bit of a distraction. That test had been awful. I was certain I was going to fail it. And I didn’t know how to deal with that. If I focused on that, I was going to spiral again. So I thought about Max instead. Somehow, that felt safer. I still didn’t like that I’d let him get to me, earlier. I shouldn’t let anyone have such an impact on my emotions. I was going to keep it formal and business-like. No baby-talking on either side. No acknowledgment of anything slightly embarrassing. “C-can we talk?” Did he still want to pee his pants? He was acting like it: it was obvious he needed to go, but this was a delaying tactic. And then he was probably going to blame me. Nope, not happening. “Fine. But go potty first.” There. Now he can’t blame me; I told him he could go. I didn’t like how I’d said it. I was still thinking of him a little like Luke, and so I used a more childish word than I should have. We entered two stalls next to each other. Neither of us wanting the other to see the underwear we had on. Or risk anyone else seeing it if they came in. I wasn’t desperate, but peeing right then did sound like a good idea. I filled in the information on the log. I was half-tempted to ask Max how his “log” was going. I didn’t know if he’d filled it in after the drama that happened earlier. If he truly wanted to know what it was like, then theoretically I should be the one filling it in. But no, I didn’t want to do that. I wanted to nip this in the bud, not grow it. We left the stalls around the same time. He was shaking his head, looking down at his pull-up. His face was bright red, but I acted like I didn’t notice. After washing our hands, we left the room. I wasn’t going to be having more private conversations in the toilets; it just seemed weird. I sat down on one of the nearby benches; Max joined me. It was a free period block, so there wasn’t that much pressure to get to our next class. “So? Talk, then,” I prompted Max. “Why did you run away?” he asked, quietly. “I— I can’t do this, Max. This whiplash is too confusing.” He looked hurt and confused. Why could I read his emotions so easily now, when normally it was impossible? It made me like him more, but the fact that I liked him more made me hate him more. This was so mixed up. Why did I suddenly want to comfort him so badly? Worse, why did I want him to comfort me? I continued, “First , you’re mean to me, and I hate you. Then you start being kind and I start liking you. Then it feels like that was just an act, and you’re just trying to hurt me more. Then I stop trusting myself, and say it’s all in my head. Then I try to get away from you. But you allow yourself to be humiliated, to spend time with me. You tell me you care about me. And then you act like I’m a fuck-up. You don’t even respect my desire to not be called a name that I have explicitly asked not to be called. When I try to accommodate you, you insult me. But then later you act like nothing went wrong, and you’re worried about me again. WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT FROM ME, MAX?” He leaned in to hug me, like he had earlier today. I pushed him away. “I’M TRYING MY BEST, THEO. YES, I’M A SHITTY PERSON. YES, I FUCKED UP.” “SO, WHAT? I’M JUST SUPPOSED TO FORGIVE YOU, BECAUSE YOU’VE TURNED OVER A NEW LEAF OR SOMETHING?” “NO! YES, MAYBE.” I didn’t want to be angry with him, but I needed to be. I stopped shouting. “I can’t do that. Your actions have consequences that I have to live with. Meanwhile, you get away scot-free. And you were reluctant to even follow it for a few hours. My new reality that you forced on me. How can I forgive you when every single step is a reminder of my humiliation? When even seeing you is a reminder that my Mom doesn’t believe me? That I’m a fucking disappointment.” I was staying strong, but a large part of me wanted to start sobbing. He looked hurt, and I felt a sense of satisfaction in that. “You’re right. I don’t deserve your forgiveness. But you’re not a disappointment.” I shrugged. “I am, but it’s fine.” “No, Theodore Montgomery. If we never speak again, I need you to hear this. You are not a disappointment. You are special, dedicated, smart. Look, I’ve tried to break your spirit for years, and never succeeded. You are one of the coolest people I know. Fuck the diapers. Fuck the wet pants. You’ve pushed yourself so incredibly hard. You deserve a break. But in no world are you a disappointment. No-one can be perfect all the time. I know you try to be, and that’s not fair on you.” I blinked a few times. He’d said something similar earlier, before Brad had come. I believed that he believed what he was saying. But I didn’t think I could think that about myself. I wished I could. But just hearing nice words wasn’t going to make me believe I wasn’t a failure. I didn’t say anything. I didn’t have anything to say. Max continued. “I truly am sorry. I didn’t realize. Your life is hard enough, and I hate that I’m making it harder. I wanted to spend time with you, but I don’t want to hurt you. We’ll stop the potty logging. I’ll stay out of your way.” A single nod of acknowledgment. Max picked up his things, and left me sitting there, shocked.

I'm wondering if anyone is actually reading this, or interested in updates? It's still fun to write it, but I guess I don't know if this is the kind of story people here want to read or not. I know the chapters can be a bit short, and I don't think I've got the pacing right. But this is the first story I've put effort into writing and planning. This chapter is shorter than I'd originally intended, because I thought it would be cool to end it on a bit of a cliffhanger. 8: Confusion Theo It didn’t feel as much of a victory as it should have. I’d wanted to stop needing to be involved with Max. Instead, I was going to be spending extra time with him, he now knew I was wearing a pull-up, and he knew I’d wet the bed. And for all of that, I’d got the right to fill in my own toileting log. And stupidly, I’d said that Max should do the same. I’d wanted to embarrass him, but this just seemed spiteful. We left the principal’s office. It felt awkward to walk; my legs weren’t moving the way I’d expect them to. There was a certain bulky presence in the way that made it tricky. I was praying that no-one would notice. I didn’t really have clothes that would accommodate the extra padding well. I like to wear tight-fitting, smart clothes. Button-up tops, chinos, suit pants. It meant that when I’d first come to the school, I’d been mistaken for a student teacher. Something that Nate still wouldn’t let me live down. I’d worn my baggiest pants; a pair of camo pants that had been right at the back of my closet. It was the only thing that made the pull-up feel slightly less noticeable to me. But there was still a crinkle. Max didn’t leave my side, and I’d wanted him to. Multiple times, he’d almost touched my butt, and then backed out at the last second. After the third time he did it, I stopped walking. So did he. I turned to face him, and looked up at his face. Something I tend to avoid doing, because it reminds me how short I am. Especially with overly tall people like Max. His eyebrows were wrinkled. I’m not the best at reading people, but it seemed that he was concerned and confused. This was also new: he was letting me in. Maybe. Or maybe it was an act to let me put my guard down, and then he was going to hurt me more. Did he actually care, or was I a plaything for him? Did it matter? Did he know? Something still struck me as odd. “What do you want? Why did you offer to let me track you?” The mask was back up. He didn’t answer the question, but instead replied with another one. “Did you really wet the bed, Teddy?” I looked away. Deliberately not at the ground, but also not at Max. “Yes, I did. I’d appreciate if you wouldn’t call me that. If you’re unwilling to call me ‘Theo’, you don’t have to use any nickname.” I said it calmly and precisely. Yesterday, I’d overcome a lot of shame when I’d planned to discuss possibilities with my mom. Was I still embarrassed? Sure. Was I going to let a bully tease me about it? No. Max looked like I’d slapped him. Which didn’t make sense. I’d spoken like that to him before, as a way to deflect his taunts. Normally, the standing up to him got him more riled. And that’s when he’d normally resort to doing something physical. But at least I could maintain the high ground of not letting him get to me. He mumbled something. I didn’t hear what it was, and I frankly didn’t care. I started walking away, faster than before. I hated every crinkly step, but I just hoped he wouldn’t follow. Max Why did I call him Teddy? I kind of hated myself at that moment. Yes, he’d hit my buttons. Why did you offer to let me track you? The words were asked out of genuine confusion. But how could I tell him the truth? And there was no lie that would make it make sense. Yes, having your toileting tracked by someone else was weird. Undignified. In fact, having your toileting tracked at all was pretty bad. But it meant I could still spend time with him. But no one could know that. No one could know how much Theo means to me. Especially not him. So I’d immediately gone into bully mode. Something I’d told myself I wasn’t going to do. Something I was actively trying not to do. I’d wanted to pat his bum. To remind myself he was really wearing a diaper. And to remind him, too. But I also wanted to be kind to him. I wanted him to know that I was on his side. And maybe I hadn’t been, before. Maybe I’d messed up so many times by trying to hurt him, because I didn’t want to have feelings for him. “I’m sorry,” I mumbled. But he didn’t hear me. He was already walking away, as quick as his little legs could carry him. A mean part of me wanted to giggle at the crinkling that was noticeably louder when he walked like that. But no. He deserved better. I raced after him. Yes, I know he wanted to get away. But I needed to apologize. I needed to show him that I wanted to do better, be better. It didn’t take me long to catch up. I wanted to tap his shoulder, to get him to turn around. But I held back. He knew I was there, anyway. “What, Max?” “I’m sorry, Theo. You were right to call me out.” “Yeah, and?” “I want to make it up to you. I …” care about you (no, can’t say that) “don’t want to hurt you”. “Yeah, right!” “What do I need to do to prove it?” He looked up at me, properly. I loved when he did that. I’d watched him enough that I knew exactly how to read his expressions. He thinks he’s incredibly guarded with his emotions: he’s not. It looked like I was getting through to him. Or at least he wasn’t immediately dismissing me. “You started this whole mess. I want you to feel at least some of what I’m feeling. And the toilet logging isn’t enough.” The anger in his voice surprised me. He wasn’t entirely wrong. But I hadn’t exactly been responsible for him peeing in the cafeteria. Was I? Theo continued. “I want you to pee your pants, and admit it’s not the first time, and also put diapers on, and be part of this stupid program for real. And if you actually cared, you’d do that.” Theo I didn’t know where the words came from. Nor did I expect the anger or hurt in my voice. I don’t want to think of myself as spiteful or cruel. And that was both. It was unreasonable for me to ask someone to do that, just to prove that they didn’t want to hurt me. How was me hurting them going to make things right? But Max didn’t laugh or dismiss it. In fact, it seemed that he was considering it. “Wow, you must really hate me,” he said. It was a soft voice; one I don’t think I’ve ever heard him use before. “I don’t think I can do that. I want to, to show you that you matter to me, but there’s too much at stake.” I matter to him? “I’m sorry. I guess I’m just pissed off at this situation, and I blame you.” “That’s fair. Can we make a compromise, though? I don’t want to pee my pants in front of everyone. But if putting me in diapers would make you feel better, I’ll do that.” I blinked twice. And then blinked again. This was not making any sense. Did I want Max to put a diaper on? Fuck yes. He deserved it. But also no. Not if it meant it was another way to taunt me. And also because he was being so open about it. It almost seemed like he wanted me to say that. “Why? So you can prove that I’m spiteful and immature, and you’re the ‘bigger man’?” He didn’t respond immediately. It looked like he wanted to punch something; I was already bracing my shoulders. But the punch never came. Instead, he wrapped his arms around me. It was gentle, like I was some fragile thing that was going to break at any moment. I didn’t hate it. I didn’t push him away, even though part of me was screaming to. Instinctively, I almost hugged him back. I felt my arms going up to go around him, but mentally made myself stop. “Theo, I care about you. So, so much,” he whispered, bending down so he spoke right into my ear. Chills went down my spine. I thought I actually believed him. “But then why…” It made absolutely no sense. Why have you made my life a misery? Why have you treated me so awfully? Why did you make me pee my pants? Why did you make me talk to you like a baby? Why did you lie about me having “accidents”? Why did you agree to log my toileting, as if I was incapable? But also, why did you offer to have me log yours? Why don’t I hate you? Why does getting praise from you feel so good? Why did part of me want to spend more time with you? Why did I want that hug to never end? I didn’t ask any of those. There was an awkward pause, before he dejectedly said “I… don’t know. I’m so confused. I wanna be better, do better.” “So I’m a charity case?” “God no! You’re the coolest person I know. I think maybe I’m a little jealous.” “Of the guy wearing a diaper? The guy who peed his pants in the cafeteria?” I didn’t know when I’d started walking again, heading towards my locker. I’d never had the biggest school bag, and now there were two briefs in the bag as well, so I’d need to start putting my books in the locker, rather than carrying them with me. Max was keeping pace. It wasn’t that early any more, and other students had started piling in. But we were given a wide berth. I don’t think it was done deliberately; people just would tend to stay out of the way of the school bully, and the guy who peed his pants. “Of the guy that tries so hard in everything he does. The guy who pushes himself more than anything else, even though he’s scared. The guy who’s confident, smart, and cocky, and doesn’t give two shits what anyone thinks. The guy whose spirit never breaks, no matter how many times it’s tested.” Was he talking about me? I somehow felt seen and proud, but also like he was talking about someone else. “I—” “How’s your potty training going, big boy?” Max Oh, for fuck’s sake, Brad! He’d sneaked up on us, and I hadn’t been paying proper attention to our surroundings. It felt so much nicer when Theo was my entire world. Honesty was such a rush. Yes, I was jealous. Theo was awesome, and he didn’t know it. And if I couldn’t be as cool as he was, I needed to make him worse. I needed to make him seem like a joke, so I could get over him. Of course, that didn’t work. But as the words had tumbled out, it felt like a massive weight had been lifted. Until the real world came knocking again. If I acted the same as Brad, I’d lose the little trust I’d gained from Theo. If I ignored Brad, he’d keep taunting Theo. And he’d be confused that I wasn’t playing along. “Why are you asking? Do you want some tips?” Theo snapped at Brad. “Tips? Huh?” “On potty training. I figure that’s the only reason why you’d be asking. After all, I have potty trained quite a few toddlers at the daycare. Are you having some potty troubles of your own?” “N-no,” Brad replied, confused. He looked at me for help. I felt like I wanted to be on Theo’s side. Screw the consequences. “Theo is an expert. He did get my brother Luke pretty much out of diapers.” “He’s only so good at teaching it because he’s still learning himself! Isn’t that right, kiddo? You need someone to tell you to go wee-wee, or you’d have accidents?” Shit. I’d given Brad extra ammunition. I hadn’t meant to do that. Theo was retreating into himself. He wanted to fight what Brad was saying, and say it was a lie. It’s what I would have done. Theo was potty-trained. He didn’t need the reminders, and we all knew it. Except that he’d wet the bed last night. Except that he was in a diaper, right now. “Everyone needs a little help, sometimes, Brad. Is that a bad thing?” The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them. It felt so good to defend Theo, rather than fight against him. Brad spluttered, and walked off, mumbling under his breath. I felt proud of myself, until I saw Theo’s face. “I can fight my own battles.” “Of course you can. I never said you couldn’t.” “Don’t you see that by you speaking back to Brad, instead of me, you’ve made me look more pathetic to him? I can see you were trying to help, though, so thanks.” Theo I was dreading this next part. I’d kept a keen eye on the time. The talks with Max had taken longer than I’d planned: I was hoping to spend some time with Nate and Rose before school started. But there wasn’t going to be enough time before class began. There was something that needed to be done before class. The stupid toileting log. I didn’t want to remind Max, but I also couldn’t “forget” to fill it in. I’d lose what little responsibility over this I’d been given. If Max was going to prove he wanted to help, why couldn’t I have a little fun with it as well? There was no-one else really near enough, so this would just be between the two of us. “Are you ready to go potty, Maxie?” I asked, in a similar voice to the one he’d used on me the day before. “Huh? No, I’m good—oh.” In just that short time, he’d already forgotten. Unfortunately, my… ahem, “underwear” made it a little bit trickier to forget. “Together?” I both asked and reminded him. He nodded, putting on a brave face. I didn’t know why he was so scared. I felt a sudden yearning to hold his hand, but held back. “This is stupid. Do you even need to pee, right now?” he asked. We were nearing the bathroom doors. “No, but it’s what the schedule says. We have to at least try.” He headed to a urinal. I also started heading to one, but at the last second, decided to go into one of the stalls. I didn’t want Max, or anyone else for that matter, to see the pull-up around my waist. Filling the log was easy enough. There wasn’t really any urgency, the pull-up was dry, and I didn’t use the toilet. I stood for about a minute, just to make sure, even though it was silly. When I left the stall, I saw Max still at the urinal, clenching his fists. “Max?” I was concerned. I didn’t get a response. I quietly headed towards him. It felt incredibly inappropriate, but something seemed off. His zipper was still pulled up. He was shaking slightly; his shoulders going backwards and forwards. His face was red, it looked like he was straining. Under his breath, it sounded like he was saying “You can do this.” What the hell? Did Max not know how to use a toilet? That didn’t make any sense. What was he so afraid of? I tapped him on the shoulder. It was a little bit of a reach, but doable. “What are you doing?” His body stiffened. I hadn’t looked at his eyes, but I would guess that they looked dazed earlier, and he’d just come to. “I can’t do this, Theo.” “Do what? Use a urinal?” “No! I can’t pee my pants.”

I felt like writing something cute and sweet. I tried to make it gender neutral, for the most part. I've been trying to get more into writing. Would love feedback, if there are any opinions. Belonging Today had been hard. You’d put your all in, and gone the extra mile, and it still hadn’t been enough. You were drained and exhausted, and it was only 2:30 in the afternoon. Right now, the main thing you wanted to do was get into littlespace. You couldn’t just yet; there were still obligations and responsibilities. You still needed to put your adult mask on, and do what the world required of you. But there wasn’t much left to do, and soon everything was done. You entered your room; your blissful paradise. It matched practicality with your desires. The walls were painted a gentle cream color. No murals or the like, even though you would have loved those. It was still a space others needed to see, so you couldn’t have the Winnie-the-Pooh themed environment you would have had otherwise. You had a duvet with a deep blue duvet cover. Again, not the babyish one you wanted, but it was a compromise. It had been bought from the kids’ section, but was more aimed at teens, with patterns dedicated to video gaming. It reminded you that you didn’t have to be “big” in your room, even if it wasn’t as little as you would have liked. The most “little” thing you had in plain view was your three favorite stuffies. They had a dedicated space on your bed, and they always would. Even when you weren’t in deep littlespace, hugging one of them was always a way to make you feel better. You wanted to put your little clothes on, but you didn’t have that in you, just yet. Your body started heading to your bed, almost automatically. You picked up your favorite of the three bears, Cuddles, holding him as close to you as possible. You gave him a tight squeeze, bringing him up over your face, to block out the world, and to just lean into his soft and cuddly fur. You felt your shoulders go down a little, some of the tension releasing. You moved the other two to be right next to you; making it so that their arms were over you, like they were hugging you, rather than you hugging them. You just lay there for about a minute. A single tear made its way down your cheek; you didn’t bother to wipe it away. You started telling Cuddles and the others about your day. How you’d done everything just right. How it had all been going to plan, until everything just suddenly crashed down. Yes, they were just teddy bears. But they felt like much more. They felt like the people you could say anything to, and be heard and understood. But Cuddles really didn’t match the formal clothes you had on. The clothes that were required for the outside world, but they never felt like you. It was a performance, but they didn’t belong here, or on you. Sometimes, you wanted to be big. But not right now. The clothes came off one by one, you did this delicately. You neatly folded them over your chair, until the only thing you still had on were your underpants. This was the one indulgence you’d allowed yourself earlier. Because they weren’t “underpants”. They were training pants. For the little one you knew you truly were inside, even though you couldn’t show it to the outside world. They were dry, which felt like a victory, even though it made no sense. See, I can use the potty like a big kid! They were a reminder that you could be both big and little; and that you made the rules for yourself. The world didn’t have the right to tell you who you are, or how you were supposed to see yourself. But right now, it wasn’t training pants you wanted. They were a great in-between, but right now, there should be a diaper around your butt. You only had cheap medical grade ones, but those were good enough for now. You got one of the plastic pieces of perfection from the dedicated diaper shelf in your cupboard. You’d already fluffed it, and the softness in your hands already felt wonderful. You knew that it would pale in comparison to the feeling with the padding around your waist. It was hard to put on a diaper slowly. Once you got it out, your instinct was always to try and get it on you as soon as possible. You plopped the diaper down onto your bed. The powder was sprinkled haphazardly. You positioned your bottom right onto it, letting out a slight moan as you felt the softness. This wasn’t the first diaper you’d put on, but it was still quite new to you. You rushed getting the diaper taped up. Everything felt just right, both with the diaper, and with the world. Standing up, you allowed yourself to shake your padded butt, and let out a giggle. It felt like Cuddles and the other stuffies were looking at you approvingly. And they were right to approve. This was you being true to yourself. If it hadn’t been so cold, you would have been happy to just stay in your diaper. And yes, you loved saying that. Your diaper, not the diaper. You felt your face move into a smile that you knew wouldn’t go away as long as you were aware you were padded. You loved how the waistband went slightly higher over your stomach, and the tiny crinkle as you waddled. Yes, waddled, not “walked”. Your shoulders did a little shiver. You knew part of it was happiness, but part of it was from the cold. Sighing, because you wouldn’t be able to keep your diaper on display, you got out your footed pajamas from your cupboard. You loved each little step it took to get to them, with your diaper rustling. I’m gonna be a teddy bear like my teddy bears! There were upsides and downsides to the pajamas. Yes, you couldn’t see your diaper. But it was comfy and cozy, and definitely not something that someone Big would wear. It was something a little one like you was expected to wear. And you could play dress-up! And it also meant you could clip your pacifier, so it would be right with you. And it would keep your diapie right in place properly, making it hard to forget you had it on. Your paci was soon in your mouth, and you were sucking contently. You blended in with your teddy bears: you were the biggest of them in terms of physical size, but you felt littler than them. The plan was to color and maybe play with your toys, and watch a show. But your eyes were already droopy, and the paci and stuffies and diapie made it so hard to keep your eyes open. You were cradling your bears, trying to ignore the bed covers that felt too big for you, the boring room decorations, and everything that was a reminder of who you were supposed to be, but that always felt like a chore. I dun wanna sleep, was the last thought you had before dreamland took you. *** Cold air hit you first. And then a sense of indignation. “Hey!” You shouted, or at least tried to. It came out more like a grunt, as you still had your paci in. Your diaper snapped back into place. It felt quite different from when you’d gone to sleep: soggy and squishy, but still wonderful. But that was scary. I’m not a bedwetter. But maybe you were? You reached out for Cuddles, wanting some reassurance: Only to find that he wasn’t in your arms. Also, the sheet felt wrong. It was still soft, but there was a plastic rustling noise. The bed felt way too solid for you to be on a mattress. Your eyes started slowly peeking open: the first thing you saw was a grinning cloud painted on the wall: a tiny, blue figure that seemed absurdly happy. With that, you opened your eyes widely, coming straight to attention. You were on the floor, in a nap mat. You saw your name sewed on to the mat: it took you a moment to actually parse the letters. It was Winnie-the-Pooh themed, with a grinning Tigger the most easily identifiable character. It smelled a little like pee, but you didn’t mind. Of course your diapies sometimes leaked. That was normal for a little one like you. Next to you, you saw your teddy bears in their own nap mats. The two bigger ones were stretched out, snoring a little. They had no pacifiers and the clothes that they were wearing (or at least what you could see of them) looked like preschool clothes. Bright T-shirts, and their legs weren’t really split apart enough for them to be wearing a diaper. Cuddles was asleep, sucking his thumb. It seemed normal to you. Of course, your teddies would be in daycare with you. Of course you would be in daycare. Why would it be any different? You felt a little embarrassed about having had your diaper checked, but it didn’t really bother you. It was just that the cold air had woken you. Not that you were too sad about that. It had been a terrible nightmare you were having. No wonder your diapie was so soggy. “Changies?” You asked around your pacifier. The diapie felt great, but it was starting to get a tiny bit cold and itchy. But you didn’t want to take your pacifier out either. And you didn’t need to. “Of course, kiddo. Sorry for waking you,” the daycare worker ruffled your hair, and gave your bum a slight pat. You giggled happily. She took your hand, and you walked together to the changing table. You were a little bit confused: it seemed that your hands were the same size. You didn’t think she’d be able to pick you up. But that also didn’t seem like a problem. But your brain immediately made it make sense: Some little ones are just bigger than others. And you saw your cubbie, with your diapies in, and a change of clothes. Inside the cubbie, it looked like there was the footed sleeper you thought you’d fallen asleep in. You wondered what you were wearing at the moment. A grin reached your face as you looked down. You forgot you’d been playing dress-up earlier! You were in clothes that a Big would wear, when going to Big School. It was a school uniform, complete with a tie and shorts. Shorts that were getting darker by the second. Your diapie was leaking on to your Big clothes! That wasn’t fair. You wanted to show that you could be Big. Even though you knew in your heart that you weren’t. You were about to start crying, and the teacher noticed. She took stock of the situation immediately. Your paci had fallen out your mouth, and she popped it back in. You started sucking automatically. Your shorts were gently pulled off; you let it happen. “Someone needs a new diapie, don’t they?” You blushed and nodded. You hated when your diaper leaked, but you couldn’t help it. And that was fine. Wet and leaky diapers were just a fact of life. You got onto the changing table. You didn’t need to be carried there, or asked to sit down. You’d done this a bajillion times before. But that didn’t make it less special. A diaper change always felt good, and a diaper always felt wonderful. “Such a good little one!” You wanted to melt in happiness. You loved being good. “Do you wanna try and take your diapie off yourself? I know you can do it.” You shook your head rapidly. No. Cuz if you started changing your diapers yourself, maybe they’d think you were ready for potty training. And that was a one-way ticket into sadness. “Didn’t think so,” the teacher giggled. She started tickling you right under your ribs with one hand, and started undoing the tapes with the other. You couldn’t stop laughing. The change went quickly: one second you were in a soggy diaper; the next you were in a clean one. And one that looked so much nicer than the one you were in before. The old one looked boring; the new one had little pictures of Winnie-the-Pooh and his friends. And felt like the kind of thing you should have been wearing. It was softer, thicker, and more comfortable than the other one, too. No shorts were put on after the diaper, and that was perfectly fine. You liked being able to see your diapie. You liked being reminded that you were a little one. You were ready for an afternoon of playing and having fun with Cuddles and your other friends. You were right where you belonged.

Audio Drama