diaper dimension Meandering Paths - Ch 2 (1/22/23)

[Kif]

So I have been working on this for some time now and am currently working on the sixth chapter at the time of posting this here. If y'all want more please lemme know and help hold me to it on finishing writing this...I don't wanna make yet another unfinished story so...Imma do my best when I have free time! ??

Many many many thanks to the folks that have been reading ahead and helping provide feedback so far, I hope to learn more from the rest of y'all as my first story so...Enjoy!

This story is a fan-fiction of the Diaper Dimension universe, heavily inspired by the story "Done Adulting" by Alex Bridges. I wondered what the story might have been like, had the applicant been a married trans woman, rather than single, and if she had already her mind set on being a Little rather than being completely oblivious to what she was getting into.

CONTENT WARNING:

While this story is meant to be a sweet and sentimental story, it can be very raw and includes the themes of:

• Family trauma / Rejection

• Divorce / Separation

• Questioning Reality / Derealization

• Existential horror

Chapter 1: The Confession

 

"So, you are currently married, Kate, is that correct?" Ms Clarke leaned back into her office chair, tilting her head and putting on a professional smile as her client delayed responding. Now was time for the meat of the interview. Shifting uncomfortably, the meek woman attempted to hide in the squeaky chair across her desk.

 

"Y--Yes. Yes I still am, as it says on the form." Kate kept her eyes glued to the colorful office carpet, despondent yet nervous.

 

"So how has he taken it? I can see here that you are applying for adoption in Tulna alone?"

 

Ms Clarke watched as she squeezed her arm nervously. This wasn't her first married client--as rare as they were--and she recognized that look of guilt and fear well enough. But, she had to ask.

 

"You aren't in danger, are you Kate? That's not why you're here, is it?"

 

"N-no!" Kate recoiled, like she'd ladled disgusting slop onto her lunch tray. "He'd never!"

 

"No worries, dear, just had to ask. So, tell me about your husband. And most importantly, you."

 

Kate let out a long breath and began, "So we love each other, I want to make that clear. Crystal clear...He's the best man I've ever known." She looked across the desk for approval before continuing.

 

"We've been together since ... well, far before the portals opened. We met over the silliest things in college, really" she smiled gently, "Gosh we were so different then. I was so different then. So closed up...

 

"College was an escape. My family, they...when they found out I was what was called an 'abdl' back then..." Her face darkened as her gaze wandered to the floor, "...they thought I was a p...a ped..."--her voice became sharp, angry--"...a freak. An addict. A criminal."

 

"But all I wanted was to be treated like a kid again. Play, be loved. Held. It wasn't even a sexual feeling, it was just...But all they saw was a freak that needed to be cured, when what I most needed was their love and understanding. The brainwashing nearly destroyed me, or...well, I nearly did that to myself."

 

Kate closed her eyes and exhaled. "So when I left for college, I had a chance to find that love and understanding I desperately needed. To heal. And I met him, Bryce." She sat up and smoothed out her skirt, her smile warm but eyes sad.

 

"He accepted my 'little' side, helped me feel loved, helped me begin to heal and discover myself--I even transitioned! There was only so much we--I--could do, but with therapy and time, eventually I learned to recognize the abuse I grew up with and to find small ways to carve out a portion of this world for myself and heal. I learned how to keep all pieces of myself...happy!...And we began to build our lives together."

 

"Mmhmm, mmhmm," Ms Clarke nodded and shuffled through the papers, "You wrote in here about getting your depression and anxiety under control for quite some time after all that...Got into calisthenics...Opened up more at home...Stopped medication, aside from hormones?"

 

"Yeah! It was still challenging but the strategy was simple: dig as much into what I could do, and accept the rest was just fantasy. For example, there was no playground I could play on as an adult--but, I could exercise on gym monkeybars, climb things, run and skip. And sometimes we could go to water parks for the rest, like slides! And at home, we could enact private scenes together...and while there were some boundaries we couldn't cross, like diaper changes, I felt grateful he did so much despite not being into any of it himself."

 

Ms Clarke leaned forward thoughtfully, curious and admittedly a bit surprised. Her married clients usually had clear issues, abuse, and the Little was already on their way out the door. But this couple...there were no obvious problems.

 

"But I thought," Kate continued, "I thought I could tolerate, live, a life like this. And for a long time, I did. I even got off my meds! I was so proud of how far I'd come, how much I'd grown."

 

"But then the portals appeared?"

 

"Right..." She stared off into the distance, caught in a memory. "I didn't believe it. I thought it was some alternate reality art experiment...or prank...or...anything but real. I stuck my head in the sand and pretended, insisted, that it was all still fantasy. But...news websites reported on it, tourist flyers appeared in the mail...

 

"I saw an interview, some Big's take on an attempted kidnapping in Itali. She dwarfed the Little in her arms, towered over the earth reporter, and...in the background there was...a playground, bustling with Littles and Bigs sharing their lives together and...It finally all crashed over me.

 

"And suddenly, " Kate returned her gaze to Ms Clarke, "Suddenly I couldn't cope anymore. My life felt like fantasy! I was kidding myself, thinking that exercising on black monkeybars in a cold gray gym blasting 'bang me' music was anything like a playground when the real thing was actually right fucking there, in plain sight!"

Ms. Clarke nodded solemnly, like a priest at confession. She hadn't lost touch with how difficult admitting these truths were to her clients. The bombshell was about to drop.

 

Kate held her head in her arms, and took several breaths. "And worst of all...I began to feel like I was kidding myself thinking that what we had built together would really keep me happy. Why...why pretend when...? But...We'd worked so hard at this together, for so long. I tried to push through it, I denied things had changed, even as I saw the hesitation and fear in his eyes, even as I felt like a freak, even as I returned to meds. Again."

 

Sitting up with watery eyes gazing to the ceiling, to the sky beyond it, Kate continued.

 

"I've felt just so awful for so long now! I can't maintain this facade anymore. We have a life together, and I'm so so SO grateful for all of that! But I can't ... I can't pretend it's not killing me inside...! The moment I realized I could actually...live...that life," she gestured at the photographs adorning the office, "I couldn't picture my life here anymore...I couldn't picture our life together a-anymore."

 

At that, Kate lost her composure and hiccups escaped her trembling lips. Ms Clarke pushed a box of tissues forward and sighed.

 

On the walls behind her desk were photographs of scenery in Tulna. Cobblestone streets, shops, and parks all bustling with people from all walks of life--commuters on bikes, college students, retirees, parents. It would have been easy to mistake the scenery for any other European college town, were it not for the portraits of happy adoptees and their 13-foot-tall parents.

 

"And here I am", she continued, wiping her eyes and sniffling, "and I don't even know if I even qualify for any of this. And you probably think I'm some freak for being here, some fetishist and entitled...bitch...for wanting to leave my...my...I mean, it's not perfect, but it's a lot better than most. I have a great job, we've loved each other for so long, we've been a team through thick and thin, and I've coped before so why not just soldier through and cope some more, right? I must look like the most untitled...most ungrateful...bitch...to leave this life behind and choose to live with ...with monsters ... all for some ...some fetishistic kick?"

 

"Kate" shaking, she raised her bloodshot eyes, "do you really feel that way? That these people are monsters? That this is all just some fetish?"

 

Kate sniffled and wiped her face on her sleeves.

 

"N...No. I just...that's how it's got to look to everyone else, right? You SEE the kidnappings, you KNOW what the...what their kind have done in the non-Alliance countries. It's horrible. And then there's all these people that get their kicks wearing diapers here...and I...it's no fault to them, and I've been around that community enough to know they're all such ... such awesome and caring people...But...But even before the portals I knew that's not what most people saw. They saw fucking p--...fucking freaks. And here I am wanting to live that life, in that world, to leave all this behind.

 

"So it doesn't matter if they're an Alliance country. It doesn't matter what good they do...It doesn't matter how I feel, it doesn't that it has always been more than just some fucking kick to me...I'm just...I'm just a monster to everyone else. I'm a greedy, selfish, undeserving monster."

 

Ms Clarke let out a breath she didn't realize she'd been holding in, and Kate settled back into her chair, exhausted. Now she understood why maybe these clients were so rare; they had to take a leap of faith, at the cost of uprooting not just their lives but their families, at a time when living life as a Little was synonymous with slavery for many. But not all. It wasn't as black and white as Kate believed, especially not in places like Tulna.

 

"Kate," she walked around her desk and knelt in front of her "You are very brave for coming here, okay?" She laid her hand gently on her shoulder "And you are not a monster. Can you believe that for me?"

 

Kate nodded her head and brushed the hair out of her face.

 

"Would you like a hug, Kate?"

 

"Yes"

 

And for a moment the two stood embracing. Gradually, the outside world slowly washed in as Kate's breathing returned to normal, filling their ears with muffled voices, ringing phones, shuffling papers and footsteps. Song birds outside the window, chirping their repetitive soothing songs, were joined by bike bells and pre-recorded messages on bus transit.

 

Delicately, they separated and returned to their places at the desk.

 

"So, have your husband and you stayed together? You haven't divorced yet, is that correct?"

 

"Yes...We weren't sure what to do. We didn't want to separate in case I didn't qualify."

 

"But it sounds to me like he is willing to let you go?"

 

Kate nodded bitterly, "Yes."

 

"Staying together for now was a smart and completely understandable decision, Kate. But, you are correct about the terms of adoption; eventually, you will need to separate--at least legally. Mind you, this is true regardless of him joining you in Tulna or not, say as an independent Little. Has he considered that possibility, or--?"

 

"No. No, he...He has wanted only to visit at most; he couldn't move on if he knew I was around the corner like that."

 

"Understandable. In that case, we won't need him to come in for a citizenship interview unless he changes his mind. For now, just know we'll evaluate your application under the assumption that you are each living independently; with him in possession of your home or renting alone. You should discuss this together, but as this would be a big change for the both of you, we do recommend waiting until the decision is made before you take those big steps together, okay?"

 

Kate simply nodded, internally feeling equal amounts dread and relief.

 

"But," she continued, leaning forwards, "if you are accepted please be aware it will be contingent on your separation. Staying together, legally-speaking, presents too many issues both here and in Tulna with the adoption process. We have a legal team that will help you draft the petition terms, however you will both need to agree to and enact them before this can proceed any further. No Adoption Preferences forms, no listing, no nothing until that is completed. Is that understood?"

 

"Yes."

 

The rest of the interview concluded question-answer style about mundane details such as housing, loans, etc. Kate had been relatively responsible (and admittedly lucky) financially; software paid well, and living together split living expenses; any debts she'd had had been paid off years ago. Before they wrapped up, Ms Clarke asked if she had any more questions.

 

"Yeah...uhm...I wanted to know...I often hear lots of Littles end up becoming a bit more sedentary and such...with being carried around and all that...? While I started exercise here and have kept it up mostly, I...It'd feel good if I could take that with me. Continue at it? Will the Bigs allow that?"

 

"I can't make any guarantees, Kate, the interpretation of your target age would be up to the adoptive Big or Bigs. But, I can make a special note for you in your file. There are certainly Bigs out there as active as you, and it's not unheard of to enroll in parent-child gymnastics classes together."

 

"Thanks, I would love that." Kate stood up. "And...thank you. Sorry for the blubbering and all that I...Just, thank you for taking the time to meet with me and...listen to me."

 

Ms Clarke extended her hand and Kate shook it, "The pleasure is mine, no need to feel sorry. This is an emotional time, and you're not the first to find their feelings bubbling to the surface in my office. You'll expect to hear from us in a few weeks, up to a month. Until then, take care, Kate."

 

And with that, her client turned and left. After a breath and sip of coffee, she took notes on their meeting:

 

Kate is a very physically active, smart, and highly-functioning but anxious girl in her 30s...history of depression, anxiety, and complex PTSD...controlled with medication and exercise...but likely lingering attachment issues and trauma from her upbringing...trans, could benefit from medical interventions...admits to already acting on Little feelings...adamantly not a fetishist...anticipate adapting quickly...must separate from her husband...will be difficult for them, but he supports her decision...would pair best with a supportive, active couple...learn to listen to her own needs...overall excellent candidate, will make their lucky Big(s) feel very happy and loved.

 

===============

 

"Hellooo?" Kate called out, as she hung up her coat and removed her shoes.

 

Silently, Bryce appeared in the doorway. "Hey"

 

"Hey..."

 

Like the moment before separating at a train station, they both stood there for what felt like an eternity. Finally, Kate spoke up.

 

"I'm sorry, I--"

 

He interrupted Kate with a hug. "I love you so much, Kate. I...I..."

 

"M-Me too..!...B-B-Bry--"

 

And together they embraced, crying in each other's arms. They were at the station now, waiting for the train to come. It didn't matter that this train could be cancelled, or delayed, there would always be another behind it. And for the first time, it felt like they could finally acknowledge it--for the first time, they could finally begin to say goodbye

[YourFNF]

I'm loving what I'm seeing so far. It's such a psychologically complex and realistic portrait. And I can definitely see why these kind of clients are so rare... It's way easier to make a decision like this when you have nothing to loose. It's another thing entirely when you have a whole life.

[Baby Billy]

I also like the way this story started.  I have never read anything you wrote, but can tell you are a very good at it.  The story is easy to read and well written.  One suggestion I would make is to pace your self with the posting, that lets you stay well ahead and gives time to proof each chapter.?

[BobbyDrago]

That last section already had me tearing up.

[BabySofia]

This is a very promising start, looking forward to reading more soon!

[SGTbaby]

Interesting and interested in more 

[Kif]

On 1/4/2023 at 5:34 PM, YourFNF said:

I'm loving what I'm seeing so far. It's such a psychologically complex and realistic portrait. And I can definitely see why these kind of clients are so rare... It's way easier to make a decision like this when you have nothing to loose. It's another thing entirely when you have a whole life.

19 hours ago, Baby Billy said:

I also like the way this story started.  I have never read anything you wrote, but can tell you are a very good at it.  The story is easy to read and well written.  One suggestion I would make is to pace your self with the posting, that lets you stay well ahead and gives time to proof each chapter.?

10 hours ago, SGTbaby said:

Interesting and interested in more 

11 hours ago, BabySofia said:

This is a very promising start, looking forward to reading more soon!

Thank you so much! ❤️ 

I'm glad to see you're enjoying this different take on diaper dimension stories...It's fantastical to imagine what that kind of place would be like, but aside from Unfair and Done Adulting I've not seen too much touching on what ripples disappearing like that would leave behind. I'm hoping to explore at least part of that in this story, so (spoilers) expect to see perspectives from both Earth and Tulna as things happen.

Also I'll make a point to try and pace myself...I don't know if I'll do a chapter a week (seems a bit overambitious atm) but I'll do my best to not burn out at least ?

15 hours ago, BobbyDrago said:

That last section already had me tearing up.

I've been told by many others this story had them tearing up too! No worries, it won't entirely be a tear-jerker, but the first few chapters are a bit... raw at first.

 

 

[YourFNF]

On 1/5/2023 at 12:09 PM, Kif said:

o (spoilers) expect to see perspectives from both Earth and Tulna as things happen.

Also I'll make a point to try and pace myself...I don't know if I'll do a chapter a week (seems a bit overambitious atm) but I'll do my best to not burn out at least ?

It's a really cool concept and it's actually given me an idea for what it would look like if a married couple went over together? Either to be adopted or to live their dynamic 24/7 hopefully without judgement? But I'm pretty low on creative juices right now with everything in my life so it's probably going to be on the back burner.

[Kif]

1 hour ago, YourFNF said:

It's a really cool concept and it's actually given me an idea for what it would look like if a married couple went over together? Either to be adopted or to live their dynamic 24/7 hopefully without judgement? But I'm pretty low on creative juices right now with everything in my life so it's probably going to be on the back burner.

This is actually what I'd love to do next! 

Answer the question of... what if a couple decided to live as independent Littles in Tulna (compared to being kidnapped in a non-Alliance country). What would work look like? Day to day life? Etc

But if you wanna run with it first go ahead! Would love to see more stuff like this myself ❤️

[Kif]

Chapter 2: Like a Bird

 

"And over here, you have the bathroom..." Kate and Bryce snickered as the realtor showed off a small tiled room. Overall the apartment wasn't bad, and their hopes were high that this would finally be the one; groceries nearby, close to transit, within budget. But, both of them had to admit: the bathroom wouldn't see much use, at least from Kate. Maybe she could christen it at least once before she left, but he doubted she'd try. Or even have the chance.

 

"So, what do you think? For a first home, it's not the most spacious but..!" the realtor clapped her hands together, "I think you'll find it will suit you well..."

 

Bryce cleared his throat, awkwardly hanging his hands by his pockets. "Uhm, yeah. It'll be great!" He put on a cheesy grin.

 

Neither of them felt the need to correct and explain to her the circumstances of their downsizing; better to play along, let them think whatever they wanted. Whatever got them the apartment. Whatever wrapped up the conditions of separation.

 

It had been nearly three months since the decision came in: Accepted, but contingent on fulfilling the terms of the divorce. Which meant, of course, that Kate couldn't be on the mortgage. So they were downsizing and moving somewhere closer to his work. Otherwise, aside from moving her to a separate bank account, it had been surprisingly straight-forward to fulfill all the other terms with the agency's legal assistance.

 

But, until they had her off the mortgage, nothing could proceed further; no preference questionnaire, no listing process, no prospective Bigs. And unfortunately, both of them still had to work to support themselves, so the house-hunting was slow. Time just flew by.

 

Fortunately their feelings had dullened and gotten easier since that first meeting. But it still hurt. Bryce couldn't help feeling bitter at times--even angry--knowing that--as much as they looked forward to being done with the drudgery of house hunting--every viewing represented one step closer to that final end. Is this how it felt to watch a loved one die of some incurable cancer?

 

But cancer wasn't elective. And she wouldn't die, at least not physically. The feelings were complex, nuanced, and both of them knew it.

 

"I think it's great." piped Kate. "Lots of space for your workshop, a balcony for a garden, and a very small commute to your workplace!"

 

There was a sad kind of hope in her sky-blue eyes; hopeful the search might finally end, but sad that it meant closing another door behind them. Bryce drew a weak smile in the corners of his pursed lips.

 

"Awwwh, and this is why I love working with newly-weds! There's just something about finding your first home together..." Beaming, the realtor offered them a hug, and awkwardly Kate and Bryce welcomed the embrace. Kate hiccuped.

 

"We'd like to make an offer," Bryce spoke up, "And could we have a minute together?"

 

"Of course! I'll start the process for you, and barring no other bids we can wrap it up at our offices this afternoon?"

 

"Yeah...sure...here's hoping..!" He made a show of feigned cavalry, an 'oh golly gee' gesture with his arms.

 

The realtor left, leaving Bryce and Kate alone in the cold, empty apartment. There was a beat after the door clicked shut before Bryce spoke up.

 

"This could be it"

 

"It could"

 

Kate was staring out the window, watching the street below. She sighed. "It's so high up. Just a floor but...it's so high."

 

Bryce approached from behind and pulled her into his arms. "You know you can always pull out, right? If it scares you...if you change your mind...They...Remember, they said you can say 'no' at the last possible moment? Before th--"

 

"I know."

 

They stood there in silence for a minute, listening to the streets below. Children biking down the pavement, the high-pitched whirr of the streetcar speeding off in the distance, Jackdaws teasing each other. The outside world felt eerily normal and oblivious to the inner conflict held in their hearts.

 

"I'll miss you...I'll miss...this" he stammered. "I wish..." But he didn't finish it. Not out-loud. Wishing the portals had never come to exist was folly. It didn't need to be said, both of them knew that.

 

Their coats rustled as Kate turned around and hugged him tight, silent and shaking. But he felt like he should say something. Like he should tell her it was all just a bad idea, demand she pull the plug and stop but...He couldn't. That ship had sailed. Had been constructed before he met her, had unmoored the moment the world had changed.

 

It was unfair. Just, so unfair. And he felt so helpless.

 

Sniffling and wiping his eyes, he gave her a quick squeeze. "We should probably get going."

 

"Y-Yeah..."

 

==================

 

"Welcome back Kate, and welcome Bryce! Please take a seat"

 

The couple shuffled into Ms. Clarke's office and set their jackets on a pair of chairs. Bryce stared intently at the photographs of Tulna, feeling a mix of curiosity and jealousy.

 

"Looks a lot like here, reminds me of the park downtown just...more kid friendly." It was bewildering how earth-shatteringly mundane the place looked, yet held such a hold on his...well at least legally, ex wife.

 

"In many ways, it is," explained Ms Clarke, "And in their world, Tulna is an ideal place to raise a child if you're a Big. Their social welfare and educational institutions surpass ours in many ways."

 

"Hm" Indignantly, he sat down with Kate.

 

"So," she began, "Today we will go through the Adoption Preferences form together, Kate will sign the Adoption Availability Contract, and she'll become officially listed in the Tulna adoption network.

 

"As a reminder, this is not an official Adoption Agreement; you are only sharing your preference data and indicating that you are available for adoption. The actual adoption contract will be signed by you and your Bigs once all agree to the match, and you will personally finalize it before you cross over. In other words, while you are on Earth and until that contract has all your signatures, you retain all legal rights of an adult and can back out at any point. Is that clear?"

 

They nodded along, Bryce wondering if--while unlikely--there was still some awful convoluted way these Amazons could leave Kate stateless for whatever convoluted reason. At least it seemed tight so far.

 

"And finally, strictly legally speaking, your preferences are not a binding contract in-and-of-itself, BUT--" she paused, noticing the couple taken aback, "This does not mean that in-practice a Big can or will disrespect your preferences and do whatever they want!"

 

"Bullshit," thought Bryce. "They absolutely could do whatever they wanted to his ... wife." Kate looked concerned as well, but was listening intently.

 

"We screen carefully, do the best to match you with compatible Bigs, and follow up on your adoption throughout the entire ten-year period. Finally, if necessary, we have the legal leverage to pull you out if we absolutely have to; after all, failure to provide duty of care voids your Adoption Agreement. However, in all agencies across Tulna (including ours) such a thing has rarely ever been necessary; it has only been needed in extreme cases such as death or disability of a Big, with no suitable guardians available."

 

"But what, " spoke up Bryce, "prevents one of them from doing something irreversible before it's too late?" Kate gave him a concerned side-eye.

 

"Littles Protection Services. The laws and culture of Tulna. Our screening process. I hear your concerns, Bryce, and you are right: at the end of the day, if a Big wants to do something to you they absolutely have the physical capability to do so. Kate, you, me, we would all be absolutely powerless to being swept off our feet at the whim of such a Big in a non-Alliance country. And those thoughts are scary to have!"

 

He rolled his eyes but continued listening.

 

"But the same could be said of your average babysitter. School teacher. Or relatives. There are always risks, and the best thing we can do is to minimize them. Tulna--like Itali and others--is one of the safest places to be as a Little. And adoption itself is a rigorous process, far more-so than your average nanny or job applicant here. What you're left with is, generally-speaking, the cream of the crop. Such cases are exceedingly rare amongst all Alliance countries combined, so rare, in fact, you would be more likely to be struck by lightning on Earth than end up in a bad adoption there."

 

Bryce sighed. He didn't like that the possibility still existed, but he had to admit it was closest to zero as he could get. Part of him felt ashamed feeling this way and dragging his wife along for the ride.

 

Kate gently lay her hand on his arm, and spoke, her voice steady. "I'll be okay, Bryce. I've got this." She exuded warmth and confidence, and all at once it felt so silly she should be more at-peace with this than him. After all, she was the one jumping into the flames here!

 

"I'm...sorry, Ms Clarke. Thank you for your patience with me, I was just afraid."

 

"It's okay, Bryce," she smiled, "I get these questions all the time, frankly I'm happy to see such a thoughtful and protective husband like you trying to protect Kate. She's lucky to have you."

 

Bryce blushed and squeezed Kate's arm.

 

"So, once you have okayed the form, we'll take your photo and you will be officially available to Bigs on the other side. Any more questions?"

 

"Uhm, I have one...How long will that... take, once in the system?" Kate stammered.

 

"Usually a few weeks, but rarely it has taken months. Generally we get requests within a few days or even hours; the bulk of the time is coordinating interviews and conducting screenings. There's no rush once you are matched, by the way -- the timetable is up to you, and the Bigs don't mind the time to prepare before your arrival."

 

She turned around and pulled a tablet off a charging port behind her desk, "Anything else, before we begin?"

 

"No"

"No"

 

She slid it across the desk. "Then I'll leave you two with this. I'm going to give you a bit of privacy as you start, while I go and grab a coffee. Would any of you like something? We have coffee, tea, juice, sparkling water..."

 

"Coffee sounds nice."
"Me too, thanks."

 

Once the door was closed, Bryce rubbed Kate's shivering arms as she pulled the tablet into her lap. "You cold?"

 

"No...just...Having this in front of me feels so..." Kate let out a sigh and closed her eyes for a brief moment, "Alright, let's do this."

 

ADOPTION PREFERENCES AND CONSENT FORM
By completion of this form, you agree to the sharing of personal information with BIG LITTLE SMILES, TL, subject to Alliance Littles Data Protection (ALDP) law. This form does not constitute an Adoption Agreement, nor any kind of binding contract between Little and Big(s).
For each item below, please indicate the scale of your answer, from "not important" to "very important".   Optionally, if an item is non-negotiable, please indicate so and the agency will prioritize this preference.   Please note all non-negotiable items may be subject to interpretation by adoptive Big(s).
PREFERRED AGE
	Not Important	Somewhat Important	Very Important	Non-Negotiable
I wish to be treated as a/an...
...Newborn (0-6 months)	X
...Infant (6-12 months)		X
...Toddler (1-3 years)			X	X
...Adolescent (4+ years)	X			X
I wish for my appearance...
...to resemble my target age			X	X
...younger than my current age		X
...left alone / unaltered	X
I wish for my physical ability...
...to resemble my target age	X
...younger than my current age	X
...left alone / unaltered			X	X
I wish for my mental ability...
...to resemble my target age	X
...younger than my current age	X
...left alone / unaltered			X	X
I wish for my pattern of speech...
...to resemble my target age		X
...younger than my current age		X
...left alone / unaltered	X
I wish for my voice...
...to resemble my target age		X
...younger than my current age		X
...left alone / unaltered	X
I wish for my teeth..
...to resemble my target age	X
...younger than my current age	X
...left alone / unaltered			X	X
I wish for my memories...
...to be erased completely	X
...to only retain happy memories	X
...left alone / unaltered			X	X
PREFERRED GENDER
	Not Important	Somewhat Important	Very Important	Non-Negotiable
I preferred to be treated as...
...Male	X
...Female			X	X
I wish for my physical body...
...to match my preferred gender			X	X
...to be left alone / unaltered	X
Other (please specify): Please remove any remaining body hair (except my head hair and eyebrows). Please reduce my breast size; I miss laying on my tummy. Please correct any flaws in my vaginoplasty, esp nerve pain. Please feminize my face and voice, and reduce/remove my adam's apple. If possible I would like my body to product its own hormones, rather than rely on medication.			X	X
MEDICAL CONDITION
	Not Important	Somewhat Important	Very Important	Non-Negotiable
I wish for medical treatment of the following...
...Dental			X
...Eyesight	X
...Chronic Pain			X	X
...Skin lesions or physical deformities	X
...Any Issues Found On Examination		X
...Other (please specify) Chronic pain refers to defects in vaginoplasty
PREFERRED FAMILY
	Not Important	Somewhat Important	Very Important	Non-Negotiable
I wish to live with...
...A mother			X	X
...A father		X
...Siblings	X
...Other Littles	X
I prefer a parenting style...
...that is authoritarian	X			X
...that is balanced			X
...that is permissive		X
I prefer a family that...
...is religious	X			X
...is physically active			X	X
ENVIRONMENT
	Not Important	Somewhat Important	Very Important	Non-Negotiable
I wish to live in...
...A large city	X
...A small town			X
...Suburbs			X
...Country	X
...Other (please specify) I want to live near playgrounds			X	X
I wish to...
...Stay home	X
...Attend daycare			X	X
...Attend preschool		X
...Attend school	X
I prefer toys that...
...mentally engage me			X
...physically engage me			X
...emotionally engage me		X
I prefer colors that are...
...Please specify: Purple, pink, blue			X
...I have no preference.		X
BEFORE / AFTER ADOPTION
	Not Important	Somewhat Important	Very Important	Non-Negotiable
After adoption, I wish to...
...grow up to a specified age (please specify)	X
...never grow up			X	X
...retain my first name			X	X
Until adoption, I wish to...
...Be placed in suspended animation	X
...Continue my life as normal			X	X

 

Kate was relatively confident with most of her responses, though there were a few that disgusted and terrified both of them. The fact that removing teeth was even an option was very strange, though unsurprising considering she was fine with babying her speech patterns and voice.

 

However, the real terror was the possibility of having her memories erased and physical/mental abilities taken away; they both made sure to double-check their responses on those questions. Kate wanted to experience and remember her second childhood, not forget it like the first one. But most of all, she didn't want to forget Bryce and he didn't want to forget her; however their separation ended, both cherished the life they had experienced together.

 

Of course, there were plenty of other non-negotiables specific to Kate. She wanted to retain her name, for example; she had literally picked it herself during her transition years ago. She wanted to live in an area with playgrounds, and make friends. She wanted a mother, maybe a father, but definitely not an authoritarian family like the one she grew up with. Ideally they'd be active like her, but not in the religious way. And aside from sounding and looking like a toddler, Kate wanted to keep her physical and mental abilities...And teeth.

 

The rest of the form, the Adoption Availability Contract, was as Ms. Clarke had described; it emphasized that it was not an Adoption Contract, that the agency would do what they could to match preferences (especially non-negotiable ones) to Bigs, but that ultimately Kate would only retain the rights of a minor in Tulna and therefore many of her preferences could be subject to interpretation. When they were finally done, they handed Ms. Clarke the tablet.

 

"Excellent, I see you've agreed to the contract and completed the forms, so all we need now is your photograph and then you're free to go! If you'll follow me..."

 

They followed Ms Clarke down the hall to a small photography studio, setup with a simple (but childish) colored backdrop curtain.

 

"This is so cute!" Kate bubbled.

 

"This looks like Photography Day at elementary school..." Bryce eyed a few gigantic stuffies sitting just out of frame. "And those look like they're literally from an elementary school."

 

"It all is, in fact! From Tulna. A local school donated them to the agency in favor of some newer equipment. It's old by their standards, but to us, this is top of the line!"

 

"Can I uhm...do something to my hair?" Kate was giggling.

 

"Sure, dear! However you want to appear to the Bigs". Bryce raised an eyebrow.

 

She reappeared a minute later with her hair in pigtails. Loosely done, no braids (hadn't learnt it growing up as a 'boy'), it looked like what a little girl might have done to her doll. But it was perfect.

 

"Oh, you are precious, they'll love that!" Ms Clarke clapped her hands, but Bryce went silent. Kate usually wore her hair in pigtails when feeling little, but now...now it felt different. For once, they weren't meant to be seen by him. He put on a fake smile.

 

"Peeeeas!"

 

The camera clicked and flashed, and the clock officially started to tick.

 

==================

 

"I can't believe all the crap I have!" Kate grunted, carrying a heavy box through the doorway. "Why can't they just...ugh...take this off our hands while we wait?"

 

"Because you have to live somewhere until...until then. Sucks the trust won't let you donate anything at least..." Bryce felt exhausted; between moving, fitting-in spontaneous trips to local bucket-list places, and looming adoption, he wasn't sure which drained him the most. He suspected, honestly, that it was all the above and more.

 

He sighed and helped his ex-wife bring in more boxes. Part of him felt mean, sometimes. Wanted to let her handle it all herself, let her make the bed she'd decided to lie in. And he knew she absolutely would have, the ironically independent soul she was.

 

But, he still loved her and those were just...moments. And boxes are heavy; the last thing he wanted was her bed-bound and writhing from back pain the last few weeks (or days?) she had left on Earth. He found himself getting lost in the memory of the compassion she'd shown him, caring for him until he could walk again. Kate's prattling brought him back to the present.

 

"I really liked the beach, even if it was cold this time of year..." Kate was sweeping up sand that had worked its way into the crevices of everything they owned, "But damn, this sand just... gets... everywhere..."

 

Bryce smiled warmly, thinking back on all those spontaneous trips. Sunshine or rain didn't make any difference to her; Kate had even stood out in the rain one evening staring at the stars, soaked and shivering, but wide-eyed and smiling brilliantly as the moon on a clear evening.

 

But what he really enjoyed, and what he'd most missed from her before the portals, was seeing her inner child -- her inner joy -- come spilling out. She was so giddy at times, skipping and hopping, and running literal circles around him as they walked around town and visited the beach. Ordering her favorite treat, hazelnut ice cream, oblivious to the cold or to the calorie count. Rolling down muddy, cold, grassy hills. Happy. Truly, and utterly happy.

 

But other times, she was sad. One evening, they were heading downtown together for dinner. It was a fancy place next to a historical site; the kind of place they'd put off for years. Naturally, they had been looking forward to it all day. But as she'd pulled out her bike, there was a pause--and for a moment she didn't want to go.

 

"I'm...I'm not going to be able to run off like this into town anymore...drink 'big' stuff, alcohol...wander around at night...I'll be a minor again, I'll...I'll never be allowed on my own again. And I'll never have dates like these again with y...with you...Wi--"

 

And so they'd stood there together, embracing, shivering, until their noses ran colder than the bad feelings and the restaurant sounded great again. It had turned out to be a fantastic evening, by the way; they'd shared a modest bottle of house red, and staggered home giggling like a young couple again.

 

Ups and downs. This whole experience had been a rollercoaster, and he felt both relief and sadness the ride would soon be over. It was amazing what they'd fit into the month since that last meeting, but whenever the call came in, both of them agreed on one thing: they wanted off this ride, no need to delay more than necessary. And now he wanted a drink.

 

"Water?" He stood up and made his way to the small kitchen.

 

"Sure! Thank you..."

 

She followed him to the kitchen and he offered her a glass while pouring his own. Bringing it up to her lips, she paused, and looked at him.

 

"Cheers on moving in?" she smiled.

 

"Cheers"

 

Their glasses clinked and she brought the cup up to her face, using both hands. He hadn't noticed it until now, how childish it looked. But when he thought back on it, she'd always been that way, for as long as he could remember.

 

"I kinda wonder how heavy those glasses would be there..." he blurted out, unintentionally speaking his thoughts, "...could you even lift them?"

 

She tilted her head, thoughtful for a second. "I dunno...But I bet I could!" She flexed in an exaggerated and goofy manner, gritting her teeth like a horse.

 

"You'll have to report back to me on that!"

 

"Haha, yeah, I'll be sure to do that--assuming they even let me hold one!"

 

They laughed and sat down on the couch, settling on some goofy comedy they'd never heard of. Kate kept hopping to the floor and stretching or doing pushups.

 

"You know you'll be conked out for several months before you wake up, right?"

 

"Yeah, but...I wanna be ready anyway. Who knows? Maybe their nanites prevent atrophy and stiffness while under?" She resumed stretching, and Bryce sighed. As she bent over, suddenly he had an idea.

 

"Come up here, miss pottypants"

 

Kate blushed "Wait? What did--? N--N...What?"

 

"I said, 'come up here, miss pottypants'" he tried to hold his best "Dad" expression.

 

"No!" she feigned brattiness, sticking out her tongue, but it faded into a frown "Sorry, if I smell or anything...I'll go take care of it..." She stood up and started to leave.

 

He felt a pit of regret open up in his heart. Little things like this had meant so much to her, but over the years it had become this kind of openly-hidden shame. He wondered if things might have been different but...No. These moments, he wanted to make them his. They were the last, and dammit he was going to live them with her on his own terms; damn the regret, damn the sadness, damn the inevitability of it all, damn the Amazons.

 

"Nuh-uh, silly! Somebody hasn't changed since lunch, and you're sorely in need of one..."

 

She turned and faced him. "Wait...You...you're serious?"

 

"Yeah, I'm serious, why wouldn't I be?"

 

Her face scrunched up processing it, and she went quiet, "But...but why now...why...It's been so..."

 

"Come along now, let's not leak..." He stood up and took her by the arm. She quietly complied, and lay on her makeshift changing mat in the bedroom.

 

"Where do you..."

 

"In that box, over there..."

 

She stared up at the ceiling thoughtfully. "Time sure did fly by, didn't it?"

 

"Like a bird, yeah. Raise your legs?"

 

She lifted her bottom off the floor, "Like a bird?"

 

Bryce thought for a moment, as he untaped her and gingerly wiped her down. It had been ages since they'd done this, since before her transition. Years. Even after surgery took the dysphoria away. Even after the portals opened.

 

"Time...I guess it's like how birds fade into the background noise, you know? You take it for granted, but sometimes if you listen you notice it--usually only once it has gone. But if you take a moment and really pay attention you can spot it here or there on the branches for a split second, even if you could never really catch up with it. Never really look close enough, except from far away with binoculars."

 

Kate squirmed as he pulled the fresh diaper between her legs, and giggled. "That's...Hehehe, wow, I've never taken you for a poet before."

 

"Yeah." he silently finished taping her up. It was a colorful knockoff kind adapted from the other dimension, with human-friendly tapes. Not as nice as an import, but still decent.

 

Kate sat up and sighed. "Thank you."

 

"Had to give it at least one try before you go"

 

"Will you call me after I'm gone?"

 

Bryce hadn't exactly dreaded that question, but it wasn't pleasant to think about. He was afraid she'd be too different. Or worse. "Yes, I will try"

 

"Love you"

 

"You too"

 

And as if on cue, Kate's phone rang. Pale as a ghost, she fumbled the phone before answering.

Their names were Jon and Marie Andersson.

 

=========================

 

"I hear their versions of "dogs" are cuddlier versions of our bears here."

 

"I'd say that's terrifying, but you seem to have a hang of it."

 

Kate lay on a gurney in a paper gown, her clothes and velcro shoes in a bag. Stripped of her clothes, stripped of her possessions--all except for a blue teddy bear that she held close to her chest. She smiled, her lips trembling and corners of her eyes glistening.

 

Ms Clarke and Bryce sat next to her, all of them huddled in a clinical-feeling room a few floors away from her office. The mood was somber and joyous all at once in that section of the building, tears of grief and joy mixing into a bittersweet soup. Occasionally another soon-to-be-Little and their case worker would walk by outside; it was always easy to pick out the plainclothes soon-to-be Littles, whether by their dress or just the way they walked nervously with their shoulders to their ears.

 

Or clinging to their last tokens of this world, like Kate with her bear.

 

"I'm going to ask you, Kate--one final, and last, time: Are you sure you want to proceed with this?" Like a teacher asking a pupil if they were really confident in their answer, Ms Clarke wore a serious expression with her eyes arched in expectation.

 

Meekly, but smoothly, Kate nodded. Ms Clarke held a clipboard and pen out for her.

 

"Then just sign here."

 

Taking a breath and looking longingly at her now-ex but forever lover, she choked "love you", before lowering her head and signing the final line of the Adoption Agreement.

 

Tears fell down his face as he took her free hand. "Me too"

 

"Okay" the caseworker stood up and smoothed down her blouse and pants "That's that. Would you like a moment of privacy before the anesthetist comes in?"

 

Her face was now straining, her dam of professionalism threatening to burst. She took pride in keeping an emotional distance from her clients throughout all steps of her cases; however, she was only human. Last tender moments like these never got easier no matter how many cases she put under her belt. If anything, they got harder.

 

The couple silently nodded, as she pressed a call button on her way out the door. It shut gently behind her, suddenly enveloping the room in startling quietness--the shuffling of footsteps, beeping of machines, and mumbling of soon-to-be Littles suddenly dampened to a dull gentle pressure. Kate and Bryce could now hear the distant hum of the ventilation, then the distant song of birds out the small window, and then finally their released breaths as they remembered to breathe.

 

They'd both expected more tears to appear at this point, but to their surprise nothing came for either of them. In the dull, dry silence they shared between their tired eyes, it felt like time had stopped. There was nothing either of them dared to say, for fear the illusion would shatter. It felt like hours as they gazed into each other, smiling bitterly with their eyes, having the kind of silent conversation punctuated only by breaths and blinks.

 

But it didn't last, their gaze broken by the click clacking of footsteps directly outside their door. A knock punctuated the silence, and the door opened.

 

"Hello? Kate and Bryce?" a woman in a long white coat let herself in, "Hi, I'll be helping you fall asleep today..."

 

A nurse filed in behind her, wheeling in some small equipment and a table of medicines and gadgets, as she confirmed personal details with Kate. Ms Clarke returned to the room, her eyes bloodshot but dry.

 

She cleared her throat, "Are you ready, Kate? Bryce?"--nodding at each of them--"Bear too?"

 

Kate gently bobbed her head, "He'll be with me, right? The whole way?"

 

"Yes. Absolutely! We'll take good, good care of him."

 

"Thanks...He...he means a lot to me," she looked up at her husband standing by her side, "...to us."

 

The bear certainly drew parallels with another large moment in her life, the morning before her surgery. Her husband couldn't be with her, due to pandemic protocols at the time, so he'd gotten her this blue fuzzy bear to hug whenever she thought of him. Blue bear was worn, but well-loved.

 

"Okay, I take it you've done this before?" the doctor spoke up and she laid out vials and plungers on the table.

 

"Yeah, " Kate chuckled nervously, "the anesthesia, at least." Machines beeped to life as electrodes were placed on her body, and tubes connected to the IV line on her wrist.

 

"Then you'll probably know what I'm about to tell you, but I'll repeat it for you one more time, okay?" Kate nodded, smiling and her eyes misty. She wanted to look brave, but everything she knew ended where the anesthesia began. Only her trust in the staff, (ex) husband, and faith in herself cushioned the burbling existential dread she felt in that very moment. But that's how adventure felt, wasn't it?

 

"You'll feel a cold sensation, I'll ask you to count down, and you'll fall asleep. When you wake up, you'll be with your adoptive parents in Tulna."

 

"Jon and Marie"

 

"Correct, " Ms Clarke spoke up, "And remember: you'll get a visit from us and call from your husband within a few months"

 

The anesthetist nodded, "Ready?"

 

Kate rolled her head and gave Ms Clarke a small smile. Then, she gazed up at her husband for what felt like the last time, her blue eyes shimmering with renewed hope and determination. He took her hand and gave her a squeeze, their fingers cold and but no-longer shaky.

 

"Ready."

 

Kate almost didn't feel the cold sensation as she counted down from 300. As the heavy darkness sat on her chest, the world faded away. Her hands soon fell limp, the dreamless dark finally overtook her mind. Bryce rubbed her hands one last time, as he watched the peaceful rise and fall of his wife's chest.

 

"She's not gone, she's not dead" Bryce thought, as the nurses raised her bedrails.

 

"She's just going to a different place," as the door whirred open.

 

"She's going to be happy," as he followed her gurney down the hall.

 

"She won't be alone," as the doors closed behind her, and he could follow no further.

 

"But I'll be--" Bryce stumbled into the wall for support, his thoughts exposed, the dams broken.

 

She was gone.

###########################################################

A bit of an emotional chapter, I guess? Feelings are complicated.

I'd like to say I can't imagine being in Kate and Bryce's positions but I guess I did haha ?

I'm quite a bit ahead on chapters and trying to pace myself here, buuuuuut also trying to push myself to keep at it. At some point things will catch up here but for now I'm gonna try and post at a moderate pace esp with CAP coming up and my freetime going towards getting ready for that...And also just the emotions of it making it challenging to focus on this... ?

Anyway, I hope you are all enjoying so far!

Related to this chapter, I *am* working on a form that mirrors this chapter. You can view the beta at https://adoption-consent-form.vercel.app/ that is Kate's form with a cute animation, and it pretends to send your form to Tulna but it doesn't actually ofc send anything anywhere. Otherwise it's pretty featureless and will change in the future for ... lots of reasons:

• I'm using a third-party library for the forms...
  • ...I want printing to be better in my control (I've got a basic print style but it's iffy, and download-as-image works too but is...massive), especially so you can e.g. copy-paste you results in a compact way for e.g. replying here
  • ...I want to hide special things in special places  (can't do that unless I make my own custom form components)
• I want to make it supplement the story with meta-content ("Letters from Littles" via a "login" feature, for example)
• I may return to this with a perspective from the Bigs (what preferences would a Big have for their Little) if I ever get to that story idea

[YourFNF]

Gods the bitter sweetness really hits you.

I always go back and forth with these kinds of stories on whether or not I could actually pull the trigger on something like this.

I think the biggest issue for me would definitely be no sex/dating(theoretically at least), limited freedom of movement and no alcohol/substances... I suppose being denied CGS care is another potential issue as are all the fucked things surgically the Bigs could do but I don't really anticipate that being an issue with someone who would go out of their way to adopt to a transgirl with a disability.

Honestly I might just want to marry into an alliance country instead and be treated by my spouse as my regression age most days...

Then again it might be worth to finally just be able to put down all the shit I'm carrying

I honestly don't think I could really know my final decision till I signed that contract and walked through the portal...

10 years is a long time and a massive commitment.... But maybe that would give me the chance to finally heal and grow into myself fully?

So yeah felt what Kate was feeling in those last days pretty strongly.

[YourFNF]

Also tried out the form. Was interesting to play around with although it didn't display well in the saved version

[Kif]

3 hours ago, YourFNF said:

Honestly I might just want to marry into an alliance country instead and be treated by my spouse as my regression age most days...

This...gosh...Could I possibly write about this someday? I've been massaging a general idea in my head about a couple that journey there together as independent Littles but have to eventually consider at least one of them living with a Big... but *that* could be interesting. Maybe instead of a couple, it's a few college friends looking for work--one of them marries a Big and the other doesn't (for the moment)?

Anyway, I think only so far LFP has touched the general idea of Little and Big marriage in a story? 

3 hours ago, YourFNF said:

So yeah felt what Kate was feeling in those last days pretty strongly.

Thanks! And big hugs, if you want them ? ?

It's emotionally challenging to write this kind of stuff. I guess in a way I write this stuff to escape sometimes, but at the same time it makes things...worse. It at the least makes me very very very grateful and appreciative of the relationships I have. 

The main thing to understand with Kate and Bryce is that this all happens years after they witness the Portals opening in their world; by this point in their story, it has been nearly commonplace for some time.

I am half tempted to write that kind of story separately, because I think the world-building would be really really cool and fun. But also...having been through transition myself as a trans gal, I have to wonder how my feelings would change were I in Kate's position for that long.

2 hours ago, YourFNF said:

Also tried out the form. Was interesting to play around with although it didn't display well in the saved version

Thanks! Yeah, and agreed. I want to write my own components so I can make it display better; the third-party lib I'm using has a separate PDF-printer but requires a paid license to use, and their CSS without it is...eugh. The image capture gets it at least exactly as it's displayed, it's just *massive*.

[YourFNF]

6 hours ago, Kif said:

hanks! And big hugs, if you want them ? ?

*gratefully leans into*

[SGTbaby]

Great chapter. I wonder if Bryce decides to join her at some point in the dimension? 

[Kif]

7 hours ago, SGTbaby said:

Great chapter. I wonder if Bryce decides to join her at some point in the dimension? 

Guess we'll see

[BobbyDrago]

Unfortunately my guess is that Bryce falls to depression and suicide. That's the end it all vibe I'm getting from him provided he doest have an off screen friend or two.

[Kif]

2 hours ago, BobbyDrago said:

Unfortunately my guess is that Bryce falls to depression and suicide. That's the end it all vibe I'm getting from him provided he doest have an off screen friend or two.

Gonna put this out here right away -- this story is not going to be that dark. Very hard nope, and if that were planned I'd have added it to the content warning at the top.

You'll see more of Bryce in later chapters.

[kerry]

Kif, I want to say how much I love this story so far. (I also love your assurance that it will not "go dark.") You have really captured the unbridled panoply of emotions that would come from something like this. So moving! Thank you!