Trying to figure things out.....still

[hippyman]

I've been on and off of these boards for a long time now, which is why I keep coming back to the newbie section.  I have been working to accept this part of me for about 3 years now and as of this post I have been diapered for about 2 weeks.  I'm hoping that means that I'm starting to accept myself.  One of the most difficult things I've found is that I know nobody else who I can share this part of myself with(offline anyway.)  Add on top of that that I've been struggling with survivors guilt for decades, and I have one very mean cocktail brewing.  Do you guys have any advice that might help me out?

[AbabeBill]

Hi Hippyman, and welcome. Your struggle is not completely unique, many of us have, or have had the same feelings. It isn’t made easier, when there’s no one who can understand close to you. But, you do have people here who do. There’s lots of likeminded people here. You do need to come to accept this part of you, and understand there’s nothing wrong in it. It may take some time, but you can do it. You can always come visit with your on line friends anytime! And who knows, maybe someday you’ll meet someone, who can be close. Relax, have fun, and enjoy! Very important. 

[mightybuttercup]

What @AbabeBillsaid 100%! Take it easy, and do it on your own time. There's nothing shameful in exploring who you really are and what you enjoy! Take more pride in your self discovery and accomplishments finding your interests and less time worrying about what somebody else may think of you. We have one life, spend your time indulging what you like instead of worrying about what others might think you like! Turns out, as Bill said, there are so many like minded people out there who will be happy with who you are, as long as you can accept yourself first!

Good luck on your journey! 

[hippyman]

I got locked out somehow, and just now got access to the site again, but thank you for the warm replies.  I have to say that I hate going through these "phases."  I just recently purged, so I am out of stock again until monday☹️.  I feel like I am starting to accept this part of me, but this is very hard.  I feel like my main problem at this point, other than purging, is that I live in a very conservative town with just about 11,000 people in it.  There is nowhere to go to meet people, and nothing to do here, so I end up feeling extremely alone.  On top of that, I never developed any social skills, so I am kind of lost at sea here.

[AbabeBill]

I know on one hand, how lonely it can be, not having anyone about you, who understands you, that’s close by. On the other hand, you are something very special, and unique, compared to other people around you. They don’t possess your inner feelings, or have an idea of what you do. Remember, you do have thousands of people who do, at your fingertips. And right here, at DD! You can ask the questions, “Hey, dose anyone know what it’s like to love, and wear a nice thick diaper?” And people will say, yes! And this is why... You might find people, who are very much like yourself, have the same feelings, for the same things, or very similar at the very least. There’s lots of other horizons, to think about too. All this is here. For me, for a long time, there was not much of a way to know others were out there. Not till the internet came along. So, believe me, I know what it’s like, to feel you are so different, and there’s no one like you around. 

[foreverdl]

20 minutes ago, AbabeBill said:

I know on one hand, how lonely it can be, not having anyone about you, who understands you, that’s close by. On the other hand, you are something very special, and unique, compared to other people around you. They don’t possess your inner feelings, or have an idea of what you do. Remember, you do have thousands of people who do, at your fingertips. And right here, at DD! You can ask the questions, “Hey, dose anyone know what it’s like to love, and wear a nice thick diaper?” And people will say, yes! And this is why... You might find people, who are very much like yourself, have the same feelings, for the same things, or very similar at the very least. There’s lots of other horizons, to think about too. All this is here. For me, for a long time, there was not much of a way to know others were out there. Not till the internet came along. So, believe me, I know what it’s like, to feel you are so different, and there’s no one like you around. 

Hey I agree, this is the Best site I have found, to get support, so you know what you are talking about. I have very unusual problems, and circumstance I have had a couple people here that have not understood, and gave me the wrong advice, but they try. Just use what you think is the correct advice for you.

[hippyman]

Honestly, I think my biggest obstacle right now is that I am overcoming demons from my past as well as trying to accept this side of me that has always been there.  I sort of have a "perfect storm" going on, you could say.  Half the time though I don't know if I should indulge and wear, and embrace this side of myself or what.  I have one hell of an internal war going on

[LiL Marc]

We have all been through this, keep going!

It probably wont help, but remenber that you havent harm no one

[Little Sherri]

On 2/11/2021 at 2:31 PM, AbabeBill said:

For me, for a long time, there was not much of a way to know others were out there. Not till the internet came along. So, believe me, I know what it’s like, to feel you are so different, and there’s no one like you around. 

@hippyman, you are struggling with many of the same issues that a lot of us have struggled with. I took the above quote form @AbabeBill because it sums up the situation that a lot of us were in before we found this place. There are deep-seated wells of shame within most of us regarding a number of facets of this "interest".

First of all, practically everyone was told at some point that big boys & girls leave diapers behind, that "acting like a baby" was shameful thing, and, we were subjected to subtle humiliations by mostly well-meaning caregivers around the concept that it was time to grow up and leave the vestiges of early childhood behind, because, of course, it made their lives easier, and, it is the common trajectory of childhood development. So wanting to wear diapers, or to dress like someone younger, goes against very early and deeply-ingrained training. You shouldn't be too hard on yourself for struggling with this, and going back and forth. 

I remember struggling with these feelings long, long before I was a sexual being. As a kid, I wore diapers because it was the most practical solution to a problem (bedwetting), and my parents, while well-meaning, often let me know that it was well past the time where I should have been out of them. So, I was already a bit ashamed of needing to wear them, but then, as I started to feel that, strangely, part of me also *wanted* to wear them, the shame became exponentially multiplied. I was torn between wanting to be a big boy, and to grow up, to make my parents proud, to be able to do what my little brother was already capable of - stay dry at night - BUT, at the same time, once I was in a diaper, I felt a deep sense of relaxation and peace that I had no words for, as a young person. But somewhere inside me, I knew that it had to be unacceptable, and I never spoke of it. 

There are some other chapters to my story that involve accidental and deliberate humiliations that came later, but suffice it to say, by the time I outgrew needing to wear diapers, I knew that I wanted to wear them, and I knew that wanting that was BAD, and, I knew that I was the only person on earth who felt the way I did, and that I had to bury it forever. 20 years went by, the internet came into wide use, and still, I kept that side of me at bay, never allowed myself to think about it. Then, one fateful day, while visiting my mom, I came across an old picture of myself as a kid, on Christmas morning, wearing a diaper, and it all came rushing back. Except that, as an adult, I had resources and freedoms that didn't exist when I was a kid. I compulsively went and bought myself some adolescent pull-ups at a drugstore, but, almost immediately, I had the thought that there must be better options than this, and I turned, of course, to the internet, and did a search on what was out there in adult diapers. My eyes nearly popped out of my head... of course, there were diapers for adults, "medical" ones, like the ones you could get a grocery stores, but, OH MY GOD, there also exists an..... INDUSTRY? An industry that serves adults who want.... baby diapers?!? For me, this was akin to having been marooned, alone, on a distant planet, for decades, and then one day stumbling across a city. 

Not to draw direct comparisons with people who struggle with gender identity, because in my limited understanding of their plight, I can see that theirs is a very complicated world that can be quite hard and unforgiving, but, to a limited extent, those of us who's chronological mental state doesn't always match our chronological reality, feel what I imagine would be a similar dissonance, an aching, an emptiness, a feeling that we aren't living honestly, however you want to describe it. But to indulge that ache, to try and fill the void, requires turning one's back on some hardwired social "rules", and this is very hard to do. 

The diapered life is not for everyone - don't be too hard on yourself, and remember, you make the rules, this is your life. Some of us derive great satisfaction from putting a diaper on one or twice a month, or even once or twice a year, but they want to keep a firewall between that, and other aspects of their lives. Others, like myself, desire a deeper commitment. The fact that you keep coming back suggests to me that when you're away, you're not happy. But you may discover that what you really need is periodic vacations, rather than a new nationality. Or, you may come to realize, as I did, that you never want to leave. It's a continuum, and all points along it are valid, as long as you're being true to yourself. 

The purge cycle is what you want to diffuse; it speaks loudly of dissatisfaction and ongoing self-punishment. Try to find a place where you can wear when you want to wear, and, not wear when you don't want to, but, where you don't then have to burn all vestiges in an act of revulsion and cleansing that leaves you feeling empty and sad again. 

There are many friendly and sympathetic people here, with great advice. Discovering this place, and eventually starting to participate in the conversation, was one of the best things that ever happened to me. 

[LiL Marc]

@Little SherriWeel said!

Its also a process of acceptance and the process of acceptance is very similar to the process of grieving. In fact, it is, it is the mourning of our reality that has changed. The key to moving forward is accepting this new reality, no matter how mundane like a flat tire, or intense like the loss of a loved one.

Today I spoke to my psychologist and he made my day, and maybe it can help you either, presently I'am on work accident because I suffer a post traumatical shock by killing a man who jump in front of my train 8 weeks ago, I'am struggling hard to get better but for now i'am no better, I'am my psychologist told me to stop fighting  to get better and just let things take their course whit the good and the bad

 

My english not very good, hope it help

[hippyman]

I feel like this encouragement is going to help me in the long run, so thank you everyone.  Lately I have become more mindful of certain guilt and other baggage that I have been carrying since my "real" childhood.  I have to wonder if things like that could factor in to my not being able to accept this part of myself yet.

[AbabeBill]

@hippyman You have a number of people here, who can understand, and I think we all have some sort of baggage. So there’s a good deal of people, willing to lend some support, to help out with another’s feelings, as best we can. It’s good to know, you do feel it is helping. Keep up the good work! And, stay diapered! ? 

[~Brian~]

5 hours ago, hippyman said:

I feel like this encouragement is going to help me in the long run, so thank you everyone.  Lately I have become more mindful of certain guilt and other baggage that I have been carrying since my "real" childhood.  I have to wonder if things like that could factor in to my not being able to accept this part of myself yet.

@hippyman

I have learned so much from this place alone, since I became a member in August of 2019:  I also want to tell you, that as you continue to "explore yourself" here, I think that after a while, you will come to say "hey, what I am going though is OK to go through, and I am not strange or weird"  You will probably feel the guilt, but I think that most of that is the "baggage" you speak of.  The thing you have to realize is, that there is a "stigma" that is associated with wearing diapers or using them, or any "equipment" or clothing associated with it.

What I mean is:  If you are a baby, you are EXPECTED to wear clothing like this, use baby equipment, wear and use diapers, and you are cared for, loved, nurtured, etc.  However, if you past diaper wearing age, and you do have a medical reason for wearing or using diapers, you are CHASTISED, picked on, laughed at, you NAME it:  I am lucky, because I am disabled, and I think most people understand medical reasoning for wearing and using, but there are some times, when I would have to help my younger friends (9, 10, 11, 12 or so) who would be AFRAID that they would be "found out" because they have accidents/wet beds, and I was always the one who would say "if they do, we will help you as best we can" - I would NOT let anyone PICK on someone who has to wear or use diapers when they need them, and I stand firm here, and this is because they cannot help but have to use them.

The "stigma" is caused because our upbringing has been ingrained with the idea that "diapers are for babies" and if you need them, then so be it, but our parents want kids out of diapers as quickly as they can, so they don't have to deal with them.  You may have "guilt" on your conscience because of the "stigma," and that is unfortunate.  I think that people like @Evelyn Dellcerro say it best when she says "its too bad that people's future's can be negatively  affected by a piece of plastic with cotton and tapes." I may be paraphrasing what she says, but she is RIGHT:  why do people's lives have to be ruined because they like diapers, or because of kinks - I mean, a diaper is just a "special kind of underwear that you pee and poop in", and that's IT:  People may think that this is juvenile, or babyish, or whatever, but there ARE people who have the attraction(s) to diapers, and WHY fight what is there:  You may have to suppress the feelings or curtail or alter how and when and possibly WHERE you indulge, but the feelings are THERE, and I don't care what anyone else says:  Those feelings I spoke of:  THEY WILL ALWAYS Be THERE, and they are NOT GOING ANYWHERE!  I've had them since Age 8, and @Evelyn Dellcerro since 13 - WHY should stigma stop either of us from doing what we do?  The Answer is: It SHOULD NOT stop us - PERIOD - as @Transfusionellealso says, we have to help as many people as we can understand that this is completely OK, and BURY the stigma, and all the negative garbage that goes with it - Its one thing to search and explore. but it is quite another thing that you have to do: You have to come to that realization that its something "BURNED into your memory banks," and something you are "conditioned" to detest, or feel is "yucky" or "bad." 

I think "stigma" and upbringing have a lot to do with it, and I also think that it could take time.  Rest Assured, you will eventually come to the realization that since you are an ADULT, that you have the choice:  You will eventually find that the "guilt" goes away:  I mean this when I say it:  There are many of us who have gone through what you are dealing with, and at times, we may go through "binge and purge" cycles, but DON'T despair, because we've all gone through it.

I am sure that @Evelyn Dellcerro (Eve) @Transfusionelle (Elle) and @~Brian~ (Myself) can say with certainty, that I want to make sure that we help as many people as we can understand that diapers are NOT the end of the world, and should not be a "relationship killer."  Hang on for the ride, because it may get BUMPY, but there are PLENTY of us here that have questioned ourselves - I am here to help as much as I can, and I am sure my colleagues would agree: hang on, and ROLL IT man, cause we ain't DONE yet

Welcome Aboard!

Brian

Edited February 21, 2021 by ~Brian~
edited spelling of words

[Evelyn Dellcerro]

@hippyman I understand exactly what you are going through and there are literally thousands here that understand your pain. Let me tell you a little about myself. I am Evelyn and I have been a Diaper Lover since the age of 13 (1978)... There was no internet and the only friends involved with diapers were pen pals. I was alone. I could not tell my parents due to the fact that if I told a shrink or psychiatrist which ever makes you feel more comfy what was going inside my head it would have been curtains down, end of show. The padded room until you are 18 and plenty of mood altering drugs.

I love diapers and I enjoy immensely pooping and orgasming in a diaper. I kept my mouth shut and kept my secret to myself. The pen pals and drop box letters worked great and many of us got together and had massive diaper parties. Nowadays they would be considered scat and sex orgies. Mind you I was only 13. I excelled at school and graduated a year early and was in college at 17 years old. College was where I really got down and dirty and met so many people into diapers, and to this day I have life long friends that still keep in contact and occasionally party with. I forgot to mention I am also bisexual, so men and women to me are equal targets. I married a military man at age 23. We fell in love and had a wonderful 23 years together.

He was repulsed by diapers so I kept diapers to myself (again).. I had the life because he was away at service for months at a time, and I took advantage of that and played in my diapers. He was killed in service in December of 2012. I loved that man with all my heart, but now I was utterly alone (again).. Every weekend now was a quest to find the right soulmate. After literally hundreds of one night stands, May 2017, I found him/her.. A beautiful man dressed as a woman and a diaper lover. We hit it off and just married 10 months ago. My entire life has been a long search and diapers are what kept me sane and grounded. You say you have survivors guilt, well lets talk. I can chat with you and we can set up ways in which to communicate.

You say you have a cocktail brewing, so lets neutralize the cocktail and get to chatting and becomming friends and h elping one another. I am not here to bullshit you and I have helped quite a few friends here that I am happy to say will be life long friends and confidants. The binge and purge cycle will hurt you, if not emotionally and mentally it will hurt your pocket. I saw @~Brian~ mention this, and brian being as loving and caring as he is bought this to light and he knows in his heart I am here to help you. I know times are rough with this crap virus but I am still here and fighting. You can read my many posts and see for yourself that I am not full of shit (only my diaper) and I mean to get down to the nitty gritty. I read all my emails and I will answer you right away. If you want drop me a message here also. Hugs and I hope we can get down and chat like two buddies at a bar.                                                                                

                                                           EVELYN                       evelyndellcerro71@gmail.com     evelyndellcerro@yahoo.com        Kisses     ❤️                     

On 2/18/2021 at 12:05 PM, Little Sherri said:

@hippyman, you are struggling with many of the same issues that a lot of us have struggled with. I took the above quote form @AbabeBill because it sums up the situation that a lot of us were in before we found this place. There are deep-seated wells of shame within most of us regarding a number of facets of this "interest".

First of all, practically everyone was told at some point that big boys & girls leave diapers behind, that "acting like a baby" was shameful thing, and, we were subjected to subtle humiliations by mostly well-meaning caregivers around the concept that it was time to grow up and leave the vestiges of early childhood behind, because, of course, it made their lives easier, and, it is the common trajectory of childhood development. So wanting to wear diapers, or to dress like someone younger, goes against very early and deeply-ingrained training. You shouldn't be too hard on yourself for struggling with this, and going back and forth. 

I remember struggling with these feelings long, long before I was a sexual being. As a kid, I wore diapers because it was the most practical solution to a problem (bedwetting), and my parents, while well-meaning, often let me know that it was well past the time where I should have been out of them. So, I was already a bit ashamed of needing to wear them, but then, as I started to feel that, strangely, part of me also *wanted* to wear them, the shame became exponentially multiplied. I was torn between wanting to be a big boy, and to grow up, to make my parents proud, to be able to do what my little brother was already capable of - stay dry at night - BUT, at the same time, once I was in a diaper, I felt a deep sense of relaxation and peace that I had no words for, as a young person. But somewhere inside me, I knew that it had to be unacceptable, and I never spoke of it. 

There are some other chapters to my story that involve accidental and deliberate humiliations that came later, but suffice it to say, by the time I outgrew needing to wear diapers, I knew that I wanted to wear them, and I knew that wanting that was BAD, and, I knew that I was the only person on earth who felt the way I did, and that I had to bury it forever. 20 years went by, the internet came into wide use, and still, I kept that side of me at bay, never allowed myself to think about it. Then, one fateful day, while visiting my mom, I came across an old picture of myself as a kid, on Christmas morning, wearing a diaper, and it all came rushing back. Except that, as an adult, I had resources and freedoms that didn't exist when I was a kid. I compulsively went and bought myself some adolescent pull-ups at a drugstore, but, almost immediately, I had the thought that there must be better options than this, and I turned, of course, to the internet, and did a search on what was out there in adult diapers. My eyes nearly popped out of my head... of course, there were diapers for adults, "medical" ones, like the ones you could get a grocery stores, but, OH MY GOD, there also exists an..... INDUSTRY? An industry that serves adults who want.... baby diapers?!? For me, this was akin to having been marooned, alone, on a distant planet, for decades, and then one day stumbling across a city. 

Not to draw direct comparisons with people who struggle with gender identity, because in my limited understanding of their plight, I can see that theirs is a very complicated world that can be quite hard and unforgiving, but, to a limited extent, those of us who's chronological mental state doesn't always match our chronological reality, feel what I imagine would be a similar dissonance, an aching, an emptiness, a feeling that we aren't living honestly, however you want to describe it. But to indulge that ache, to try and fill the void, requires turning one's back on some hardwired social "rules", and this is very hard to do. 

The diapered life is not for everyone - don't be too hard on yourself, and remember, you make the rules, this is your life. Some of us derive great satisfaction from putting a diaper on one or twice a month, or even once or twice a year, but they want to keep a firewall between that, and other aspects of their lives. Others, like myself, desire a deeper commitment. The fact that you keep coming back suggests to me that when you're away, you're not happy. But you may discover that what you really need is periodic vacations, rather than a new nationality. Or, you may come to realize, as I did, that you never want to leave. It's a continuum, and all points along it are valid, as long as you're being true to yourself. 

The purge cycle is what you want to diffuse; it speaks loudly of dissatisfaction and ongoing self-punishment. Try to find a place where you can wear when you want to wear, and, not wear when you don't want to, but, where you don't then have to burn all vestiges in an act of revulsion and cleansing that leaves you feeling empty and sad again. 

There are many friendly and sympathetic people here, with great advice. Discovering this place, and eventually starting to participate in the conversation, was one of the best things that ever happened to me. 

I knew there was a reason I liked you so much.. Kisses and big tight hugs and lets get @hippyman on the right track to happiness

[philmydiaper]

On 2/11/2021 at 12:37 PM, hippyman said:

I got locked out somehow, and just now got access to the site again, but thank you for the warm replies.  I have to say that I hate going through these "phases."  I just recently purged, so I am out of stock again until monday☹️.  I feel like I am starting to accept this part of me, but this is very hard.  I feel like my main problem at this point, other than purging, is that I live in a very conservative town with just about 11,000 people in it.  There is nowhere to go to meet people, and nothing to do here, so I end up feeling extremely alone.  On top of that, I never developed any social skills, so I am kind of lost at sea here.

Buddy you are so young. We are everywhere, many are hidden still in a closet which sucks. You are never alone. Purging and binging bites.Where you live is not the problem. I have travelled all around the world and ABDL is everywhere. I was in Japan last month and the diaper culture there thrives. There is nothing to learning social skills, always one step at a time. I was an alcoholic and I am not ashamed to say that my friends helped me @Evelyn Dellcerro @Transfusionelle I have been 10 years sober and I have been a diaper lover 44 years, I refuse to give up diapers. Diapers have been my life line. You are never too old to learn and have fun. I see you have lots of support here and I hope all goes well.

[hippyman]

So I've been exploring this side of myself on and off for the last month, and I do enjoy it.  The problem is that I am still having trouble accepting this side of me.  Does anyone have any suggestions to help with that?  I know we have all been here before.

[AbabeBill]

Maybe it something like someone who likes ice cream, but they are very hung up about eating it. You like it, but are afraid it will put weight on, and putting on, even a little bit of weight, is viewed as wrong. Well, you can eat the ice cream, and enjoy it. Just don’t go overboard, on how much you eat. And don’t beat yourself up for having your ice cream. You’ll be happier for having some, and enjoying it, which is a healthy feeling. 
You’re the only one, who can give yourself the break, and let it be a good experience. We all have our battles with conscience. You have to kinda convince yourself, this is good, and is not hurtful.