Madison's Code

[Sophie ♥]

7 minutes ago, bbykimmy said:

But you do realize you just used the bubonic plague decimating Europe as a metaphor for love?

 

My favorite comment so far!

[YourFNF]

once again this is great

 

[Wannatripbaby]

4 hours ago, Sophie ♥ said:

"No.  You’re you.  And that’s the least selfish thing you could ever be, because that means everybody around you gets you too.”

Holy mother of... That is without a doubt one of the most profound things I've read in a long time. My brain actually stalled for about five seconds after reading it.

[ozziebee]

Like an ice cream brain freeze, right? When I read that line, I had to go back and read it again, just to make sure i actually read it right. 

[Ishigreensa]

Jamie is one of those friends, that I hope I can actually make because they tell you exactly how things are, and you know, if they tell you that they are your friend, you don't have to jump through hoops to keep it that way.  They seem hard to read, but they are the truest of friends no matter what is happening.

[foofybabykitten]

OMG, it happened! they kissed! Shut up! I'm not crying, your crying!

 

[diaperpt]

 

1 hour ago, foofybabykitten said:

Shut up! I'm not crying, your crying!

Well, yes I am. But how did you know?

Oh I loved this chapter. It's all bbykimmy said and more! Corny, schmaltzy, yes so so middle school (hmmm...kind of a cross between chronological age and Madison's Little age?), but sweet, romantic and also open, honest and oh so revealing.

Soooo, you're a bad kisser, huh Sophie? Well, that's just I what I've heard. But beyond that, I'm really hoping you don't throw some twist in at the last minute to ruin all this. Pleeeeaaaasssssseeeee!

[Sophie ♥]

1 hour ago, diaperpt said:

But beyond that, I'm really hoping you don't throw some twist in at the last minute to ruin all this. Pleeeeaaaasssssseeeee!

Me?!

Ruin something sweet?

At the last minute?

 

 

 

[diaperpt]

13 minutes ago, Sophie ♥ said:

Me?!

Ruin something sweet?

At the last minute?

Yes, YOU!!

Ruin something ever so sweet!

At the last minute!

Don't. You. Dare! 

[Guilend]

By the end I wasn't sure if the tears rolling down my cheeks where from being really happy or from laughing really hard at all the wonderfully added jokes and exciting words. Until fruther notice, this is my favorite Sophie chapter I have ever read. 

[Sophie ♥]

7 minutes ago, Guilend said:

By the end I wasn't sure if the tears rolling down my cheeks where from being really happy or from laughing really hard at all the wonderfully added jokes and exciting words. Until fruther notice, this is my favorite Sophie chapter I have ever read. 

*dreamy sigh* 

Thank you so much!  This is absolutely one of my favorite chapters.  I loved writing it.  I loved finally having THIS moment between them!

[LilPeaches]

This story is awesome. However, I'm positive you already know that. I appreciate you sharing something personal to you. This story has some very real issues brought up and represents the truths behind what a relationship can be like. 

 

I'm curious, are both Madison's and Jamie's character traits a blend of yours and this partners IRL. Its just a suspicion I have. 

 

Thankies for posting!!! 

[Sophie ♥]

1 hour ago, LilPeaches said:

I'm curious, are both Madison's and Jamie's character traits a blend of yours and this partners IRL. Its just a suspicion I have. 

Great question!  I wrote this story for my girlfriend Ladybug (LB), but Jamie and Madison are both aspects of me.  There is very little of LB in either character.  Jamie is my more pragmatic, no-nonsense, "grown up" self that doesn't get bogged down with the details.  Madison is my whimsical, silly, over-the-top "little" self that succumbs to her emotions in good and bad ways.  So neither character really represents LB.

There's two reasons for this.  

1.) I just didn't know LB that well at this point in our relationship.  We had been dating for about three months when I started writing this story and we were still in that "on your best behavior" attitude around each other.  Actually, that phase lasted a REALLY long time with LB because we both have issues about wanting to be liked.  It took us a long time to get comfortable enough to be ourselves.

2.) The purpose of this story was to help LB understand me.  So I thought the best way to do that was by making both main characters "me" in some respect.  Double the dose of Sophie for one story!

But if I had to think about it, which character traits best describe LB.......

For Jamie, definitely her compassion.  LB is SO compassionate.  Way more compassionate than me.  Jamie is compassionate in the story because that's what Madison needs, but I struggle a lot to care about people when they are self-destructing.  I get in that mentality that "if you aren't helping yourself, why should I help you?" LB isn't like that.  She sits down with me and talks through everything with me.  She makes sure I'm okay at least ten times a day.  She can be completely right about something but still puts me first.  It's absolutely remarkable. 

On that note, the scene where Jamie calmly takes care of Madison's arms and helps her feel better is modeled almost word for word after a scene between LB and myself.  Nothing as dramatic as Madison and Jamie, but I had caused myself some harm and she was taking care of me.

For Madison... hm, this one is harder.  I think insecurity is a trait that LB and Madison share a lot.  Madison has my insecurity about being a burden on the people around her.  LB has the insecurity that she's not good enough for me or that I'm going to find someone better.  Which is so silly because no one better exists.

Anyway!  I hope this answered your question. ^_^;  I went a little overboard.

[diaperpt]

38 minutes ago, Sophie ♥ said:

 I went a little overboard.

Not at all. I found it all very interesting. But now I want to know how well the story went over with LB and if she felt it was a good introduction to Little behavior and to your own inner workings. Hey, you're putting it all out there... and the sharing has been very helpful for us in understanding you better. 

[Sophie ♥]

Hello!

Sophie asked me to talk about Madison and what it did for me in that time of our relationship. Before Madison, when she told me she was a Little, I knew the basics of AB's from tv but that's about it. I didn't really get why her being a Little was a big deal and why it would have an impact on our relationship. I wanted to show her support so I went out and bought her toys that we would buy when we went to the store (because I go to the toy section when I go to the store. lol)

Anyway, Sophie started to write Madison and the two of us would sit together at night in my bed and read it together. If I had any questions I could ask her and it gave us really good bonding time in that Little space. Madison as a story really helped me understand that being Little wasn't just about going to the store and playing with toys. I could start to learn how to pick up on the small cues like when to ask questions, or when to just be there to hold her and make her feel better. It really taught me that in order for her to be Little, she needs a safe space and I need to make sure that's provided for her. Sometimes when she does something wrong, it's not necessary to punish, it's best to let it go and help her get past it so it doesn't happen again. Madison really helped to push me softly into understanding Littles and open the world to me. And I'm glad that I had it, I couldn't imagine a relationship with Sophie without Little stuff ingrained in everything we do.

~LB

[Sophie ♥]

Twenty-seven.

    Since Madison Bell and I had started dating - a word high schoolers used to mean “kissing a lot” - I’d gotten used to touching her.  Playing with her hair had always been easy, but now I could take her hand without asking.  I could draw pictures with my finger on her thigh when we were sitting together on the couch.  I could leave lip prints in pink gloss on her neck.  Sometimes she would still flinch, but each day it seemed less and less.

    Her kissing had gotten a lot better, and I’d gotten a lot better at doing it.  I knew how hard to push against her, when to part my lips, and how to lick the tip of her tongue.  And she knew how to make these cute little sounds that made me want to devour every part of her in the absolute best way.  When we’d stop, when our lips would drift away from one another, her glasses were always a half a centimeter too far down her nose and her eyes were glossy and bright with possibility.  So many possibilities.

    I was dating Madison Bell.  I had to say that a few times every now and again, just to remind myself.  This was actually real.

    “About damn time,” Polly said.

    “You could at least act surprised,” I pouted.  Pouted?  Ugh, Madison was rubbing off on me.

    “I am the literal opposite of surprised.  I am like, staring into the camera on The Office.” I sat down next to Polly on my sofa.  She didn’t look up from the TV.  Charmed reruns were on.

    “What about you and Tom?” I asked.

    “History.”

    “Sorry.”

    “It’s cool.”

    I played with the bracelet on my wrist, the string bracelet Madison had made me for Christmas.  It was starting to lose its vibrance - I never took it off, even to shower.  It was hard not to think about her.  I was so hopeless.

    “So,” Polly went on, “you love her?”

    “As much as any sixteen year old can, I guess.”

    “And the kid stuff?”

    “I love that too.  It’s cute.”

    “And her Dark Days?”

    “I love that I can be there and help her.  Or at least, you know.  Try.”

    “You sound like her, you know.”

    “Huh?”

    A commercial came on and Polly finally turned to me, pulling her legs up onto the sofa so she could face me properly.  She looked tired, like she needed a nap, but her smile was crooked and sharp and remarkably her.

    “You want to help, and you want to be there.  You want to find all the bright parts of things.  And that’s just… not like you, Jamie.”

    It wasn’t?

    “Listen,” she went on, “sixteen or not, I think this is a real thing.  Anybody that can make you smile like that is worth keeping around.”

    “Thanks?” 

    “You’re welcome.” But before Charmed came back on, Polly had another question for me. “How are the nightmares?”

    I groaned.

    “Have you thought about seeing a therapist?” she asked.

    “No.”

    “Talking to your mom?”

    “No.”

    “What about Madison?”

    I shrugged my shoulders. “I have you.  Why do I need someone else?”

    “I would have said the same thing four months ago,” Polly laughed and stuck out her tongue.  But then the commercials ended and we didn’t talk about it again.

    Biology went as routinely as always.  I was never alone in the Writing Workshop at lunch time anymore.  My favorite days were the ones when Polly and Madison could both pull themselves away from social obligations.  Madison and I held hands under the tables.  I always caught her stealing glances at me around the frames of her glasses and never through them.

    But one thing bothered me.  It was Monday in late March and my birthday was a few days away.  That meant Madison was still older than me, and that sort of thing was very important to her.  She wasn’t in the best mood.  We were walking through Walmart with our hands laced together, and then suddenly, we weren’t.

    “Madison?”

    “Oh, hey Remy!  How are you doing?”

    “Great, just picking up some prescriptions for my mom.  I never expected to see you in a Walmart.”

    I stood awkwardly to the side, since I had no idea who this girl was.  She must have gone to our school, right?

    “Oh but they have such cool stuff here,” Madison chimed, rocking back on her heels. “They have awesome pajamas and Jamie and I always get bread from the bakery.”

    Remy stared at me.  I waved.

    “Oh, well.  It was nice seeing you.  Have fun shopping!”

    Remy left and I watched Madison deflate.  Her shoulders fell.  A breath went through her lips a little too fast.  She reached for my hand again and I let her take it.

    “Why do you do that?” I asked her.

    “Do what?”

    “Still act like that.  Like you’re okay when you’re not.”

    She shrugged. “I don’t want to worry anybody.”

    “Then why did you let go of my hand?”

    Madison blinked.  Like maybe she hadn’t noticed.  Or maybe she hadn’t noticed that I noticed.  I held up our hands between us, so she could see our palms pushed together.

    “Right when you saw her, you let go.  And when she left,  you grabbed my hand again.”

    She stared at me for a moment, and then she averted her eyes to her shoes.  Oh…

    “You’re ashamed of me?” My hand tightened in hers.  That was the opposite of what I’d wanted to do.  I wanted to take my hand out of hers altogether.  But I was hurt.  I was scared…

    “No!” Madison yelled, looking up at me again.  Her eyebrows were pushed together in frustration, her lips moving ever-so slightly.  She wanted to find the right words. “I’m… I just want…”

    “What?  Me?”

    “Of course you!”

    “Then why would you—”

    “Because I just want everybody to like me!” she admitted. “I don’t want to upset anybody and I want to have friends and I don’t want to feel like I used to, and I don’t want my mom to worry about me not having friends, and I just—”

    I held her by the shoulders and shut her up with a kiss on her lips.  Tears welled up in her eyes.  I kept my lips on hers until they stopped.  When I pulled away, her glasses were too low on her nose.

    “Madison.  You won’t be alone.  I’m here.  I said I would take care of you, remember?”

    “But—”

    “Do you know why I didn’t like you when we were kids?  Why you annoyed me so much for all those years?  You were never honest with me.  I never knew how you really felt.  You never told anyone.  And I didn’t take the time to figure you out, not until a few months ago.  But I always knew I couldn’t trust you.”

    I thought she might cry again.

    “And now?” I went on. “Now you tell me when you’re upset, you let me help.  You share so much with me.  And I love you for it.  Anybody who cares - really cares, who wants to care - can see through this act.  But not everyone can force their way in.  Sometimes you have to let people in, too.”

    “What if they don’t like me?” she asked, looking up at me with wet eyes.

    “I can’t imagine that.”

    “What if they worry about me?”

    “If you let them worry about you, maybe they will let you worry about them too.  You know that girl in Biology?  Claire?  She’s your friend, isn’t she?”

    Madison nodded.

    “Her parents are getting a divorce.  Polly told me.”

    This was obviously news to Madison. “They are?”

    “They are.  And I bet she didn’t tell you because she didn’t want you to worry.”

    Madison held onto my shirt and looked down at her shoes.  In honesty, I think I was bringing her world down around her.  So I pulled her against my chest and kissed her on the forehead.  

    “What if I annoy everyone with my problems?” Madison mumbled into my shoulder. “I don’t want to annoy anybody…”

    “You annoy me all the time,” I told her. “Honestly, you get upset about the stupidest things, and you handle everything in the worst way.  You’re so dramatic and selfless and naive.  And you hate birthdays - who even hates birthdays?  But all those things are you.  Every feeling you have is yours.  And if I thought your feelings were less important than how they make me feel, then I wouldn’t be a very good friend.  I wouldn’t be a very good girlfriend…”

    I kissed her hair and closed my eyes, holding her as tight as I could in the makeup aisle at Walmart.  She really was annoying, wasn’t she?

    “Annoy me forever, Madison Bell.”

    I felt her head nod against my shoulder.

[diaperpt]

LB, thanks for that. I had had the idea that the story was meant for you to be able to accept her being a little, but it was that you had accepted it but didn't understand it fully, at least in relation to Sophie. And now Sophie, was it that as a Little, you had trouble telling LB what you needed and so it was best to explain in the story or did you just feel the story was the best (or only) way to explain it? Does that question even make sense?

Thanks for these insights, too!

[Sophie ♥]

10 minutes ago, diaperpt said:

And now Sophie, was it that as a Little, you had trouble telling LB what you needed and so it was best to explain in the story or did you just feel the story was the best (or only) way to explain it? Does that question even make sense?

ABSOLUTELY.  Oh my gosh, I tried like 10 times to explain little stuff to LB but I just couldn't get the words out.  Then one day I was like "You should just read a story.  It'll do a better job explaining it." And LB was like "Okay, what story?" And I thought about it and was like ".....actually please don't do that, that's an awful idea." Because there was no story to properly explain it.  Not that I knew of.  So I thought... well, maybe I'll write one.  I can always articulate myself better in writing.

So I did.

[bbykimmy]

4 minutes ago, Sophie ♥ said:

And she knew how to make these cute little sounds that made me want to devour every part of her in the absolute best way

omg yes

I do this too, when my mommy-type gives me the good kisses.  It's a little squeak from the back of the throat.... <3

12 minutes ago, Sophie ♥ said:

“As much as any sixteen year old can, I guess.”

This is surprisingly pragmatic for a teenager - love at that age feels so intense, and you're so young that three months seems like forever, it's so hard to get perspective on time and intensity.  But Jamie has ever been the pragmatist, it's a virtue of hers where it might be a flaw in some.

13 minutes ago, Sophie ♥ said:

She looked tired, like she needed a nap

She's infected!  Jamie's ready to CG everyone, including Polly

I joke, but I've seen this happen.  A CG who becomes so delighted at their ability to bring joy to someone else through such simple means.  I think I have no fewer than three of these in my life (not my CGs, but friends who are CGs... plus my mommy-type).  Making someone else feel good is really nice. 

Yay for CGs!

13 minutes ago, Sophie ♥ said:

I shrugged my shoulders. “I have you.  Why do I need someone else?”

Oof, Jamie.  Your hypocrisy here is saddening.  Can't you see that you're doing the very same thing that you're trying to "fix" in Madison?

Vulnerability is hard.  Trusting someone is hard.

You can't let Madison in because you're afraid that if you do, you'll lose that thing, that spark, that makes you her CG.  But the fact is, you both care for each other.  Sure, you might make her feel Little and safe and loved, but she needs you to be vulnerable with your feelings too.  She's not Little all the time, and she wants to help you with your feelings because she loves you.

Feelings are hard. 

13 minutes ago, Sophie ♥ said:

“No!” Madison yelled, looking up at me again.  Her eyebrows were pushed together in frustration, her lips moving ever-so slightly.  She wanted to find the right words. “I’m… I just want…”

Her words say no, but her actions say yes.

This part made me really sad

If your partner is afraid of PDAs with you, that generally means they are ashamed.  It's pretty much covered here - Madison is afraid of losing friends over her relationship with Jamie, but that seems like internalized homophobia to me :'(

14 minutes ago, Sophie ♥ said:

“They are.  And I bet she didn’t tell you because she didn’t want you to worry.”

Hypocrisy!  It's absolutely the right lesson, but it's heartbreaking that Jamie doesn't have the self-reflection to see that in this situation, she IS Madison.

14 minutes ago, Sophie ♥ said:

I felt her head nod against my shoulder.

>_<

They were only happy for a chapter and a half.  NOT FAIR.

Jamie's response, "You annoy me all the time" makes sense to her.  She's explained it, she's shared her reasons and her logic and she thinks she's fixed any lingering hurt because her reasons make sense.

But sometimes a person is triggered by the WORDS their partner uses, even if they understand that they didn't exactly mean it that way.  And Madison isn't sharing that she's hurt, she's bottling it up.  Jamie needs to apologize for what she said, but she doesn't realize that she's said anything wrong at all  

Madison is so fragile, I doubt that this will go unaddressed.

[diaperpt]

Thanks for sharing that!!! I love it!

Now, this last chapter - I was loving the start of it. 

21 minutes ago, Sophie ♥ said:

“I am the literal opposite of surprised.  I am like, staring into the camera on The Office.”

I laughed at this - it was cute and totally what Polly would feel and say. Amazing how we tend not to see what is obvious to others!

30 minutes ago, Sophie ♥ said:

 I played with the bracelet on my wrist, the string bracelet Madison had made me for Christmas.  It was starting to lose its vibrance - I never took it off, even to shower.  It was hard not to think about her.  I was so hopeless.

That was so cute...

But then

22 minutes ago, Sophie ♥ said:

 “So,” Polly went on, “you love her?”

    “As much as any sixteen year old can, I guess.”

Would a 16 yo say this? I don't think I was a 'normal' <no such thing> 16 yo, but I'd never have even understood that as a 16 yo I might not  be in love as much as someone older.

25 minutes ago, Sophie ♥ said:

 “Because I just want everybody to like me!” she admitted. “I don’t want to upset anybody and I want to have friends and I don’t want to feel like I used to, and I don’t want my mom to worry about me not having friends, and I just—”

How many of us think like this? I identify with this a lot. Maybe not as much as before I understood myself being trans, but still some. There aren't many i'm willing to offend. And yet I never understood why anyone would like me or want to be a friend. Again, that's from before I understood myself, but it hasn't really gone away. So Sophie, is this you too? Or just a projection of how Madison would feel? I don't see it at all as just a Little feeling, but a matter of for whatever reason not having self confidence and not liking yourself as much as you should.

35 minutes ago, Sophie ♥ said:

 “Annoy me forever, Madison Bell.”

Awwww...  I love it! And I loved how well Jamie was able to explain loving someone through all the little annoying pieces. Love it, Love it, Love it!!!

 

[Sophie ♥]

14 minutes ago, bbykimmy said:

Oof, Jamie.  Your hypocrisy here is saddening.  Can't you see that you're doing the very same thing that you're trying to "fix" in Madison?

Yeah.  This entire story has been Jamie helping Madison.  But even in the first few chapters with Jamie's nightmares you can see her holding back her feelings throughout the entire story.  I think this duality is a part of life.  You get so focused on making other people better you sort of forget about yourself.  Or vice versa.  It's a hard loop to be stuck in.  Hopefully the resolution to this in the next few chapters is satisfying. 

18 minutes ago, bbykimmy said:

If your partner is afraid of PDAs with you, that generally means they are ashamed.  It's pretty much covered here - Madison is afraid of losing friends over her relationship with Jamie, but that seems like internalized homophobia to me ?

Yep!  Well.  It's complicated.  It isn't really that Madison is homophobic, but that she is afraid of homophobia (which in turn is a little homophobic).  She wants to be liked, and she thinks her loving a girl will make her less likable.

59 minutes ago, bbykimmy said:

Jamie's response, "You annoy me all the time" makes sense to her.  She's explained it, she's shared her reasons and her logic and she thinks she's fixed any lingering hurt because her reasons make sense.

This is actually a very Sophie response!  I'm /REALLY/ honest.  Usually at the wrong times.  And if someone is upset and they are like "You're mad at me!" I'm like "...yeah?  I mean, of course I am." I do my best not to lie, especially when people are sad, because I want them to trust what I'm saying.  I think that's what Jamie was going for here. "Yes, you are annoying." Because she is!  But also "Now that you know I'm being honest, this is why it's okay.  And why I love you anyway."

It's definitely not a perfect system.  And it can absolutely end badly, especially with triggering phrases and ideas.  But Jamie is sixteen, so she's not perfect.  And I think Madison has never really had this sort of honesty in her life before.  Hopefully it works out.

55 minutes ago, diaperpt said:

Would a 16 yo say this?

Again, this is a very Sophie response.  When I was sixteen I said crap like this.  I'm sorry if things seem unrealistic sometimes.

57 minutes ago, diaperpt said:

So Sophie, is this you too?

In regards to Madison wanting everyone to like her and not worry about her?  Yeah, 100% me. >_<  I feel a compulsion to make everyone like me, even if I don't like them.  I do and say things I am not comfortable with just for their approval or for "peace" in a situation.  I actually wish I had stronger convictions to defend the things I believe in. 

[Wannatripbaby]

6 hours ago, Sophie ♥ said:

"Annoy me forever, Madison Bell.”

Just found the words I'm gonna use to propose if I ever get married. 

[LilPeaches]

First off, I want to thank you for reply to my question. I had a feeling that both characters where peices of your personality. Its really nice to know they were. I really, really, really appreciate you opening up and sharing a peice of yourself in this work. I don't really see that much online. Not to this level. 

 

I think its unique that Madison found this connection with Jamie in High school. There is a level of maturity I still don't see in adults my age. A perspective that some of the 40 year olds I know haven't managed to get yet. So, to me this is amazing. Beautiful, splendid and refreshing, all words I would use to describe this story of trust, openness and understanding. 

 

Thankies for posting!!! 

[YourFNF]

Wow I feel this so much. Wish I had more likes

[Ishigreensa]

17 hours ago, bbykimmy said:

If your partner is afraid of PDAs with you, that generally means they are ashamed.  It's pretty much covered here - Madison is afraid of losing friends over her relationship with Jamie, but that seems like internalized homophobia to me ?

Excuse me, but this doesn't necessarily have to be internalized homophobia.  I've seen this happen with straight people, too.  There are a lot of things that can run through one's mind that might make them scared of acceptance by the population.  Remember, Madison is also from a rich family while Jamie from a poor family.  That has problems, too, that can make people afraid to show in public.  I'm just saying, not all shame comes from the idea of being homophobic.  So, while it might be in Madison's case, I'm not sure, I wouldn't presume to think it was just that.  I felt more like, because of who she is, and not wanting to worry others...:

It might be more innocent than that.

She's in love with a troublemaker!  That's how a lot of people see girls like Jamie who seem to be loners and seem not to really care about others.

She's in love with someone outside her social class.  Today, I hope most Americans are above that, but you can still see this side of people judging at times if you look for it.

And some of her friends might mention they think Jamie is taking advantage of her because they think Jamie is getting a free meal ticket with her being there, and deepening the relationship on that, well, some people cannot think that troubled people also have hearts and don't always think about how they are going to eat the next day when they actually start hanging with someone.  And Jamie doesn't hang with anyone else other than Polly, so some people might think she is taking advantage of Madison.

And finally, there is the guilt of probably being raised that girls liking girls is wrong, and that whatever.  But honestly, I think given everything Madison has dealt with, this is a very minor reason for wanting to keep her relationship secret.  Most people, young people, are more accepting of this than they are mixing rich and poor, especially from the rich class, and they would be more accepting of this than Madison being taken advantage of by someone they think is a troublemaker who only cares about herself.

That's just my opinion though.

 

Oops, just read Sophie's take on it after posting this comment.  I see that you were right all along.  Right on the money.  But I still think that the other issues are just as reasonable.