Madison's Code

[Sophie ♥]

Twenty-four.

    “No,” Madison answered with more certainty than I’d ever heard in her voice.  That’s how I knew…

    “You’re lying.”

    “I’m fine.”

    “You aren’t convincing.”

    Finally, Madison sat up.  She was upset.  Wait, no, was she… angry?

    “Leave me alone, Jamie!  I didn’t ask you to come here!”

    Before she could stop me, I shoved her arm, right where I’d tried to hug her only seconds before.  She winced; actually, she recoiled.  She actually looked sick.  Dizzy, like she was going to throw up.

    “Madison.” It was my turn to be upset.  I didn’t raise my voice but fuck if I didn’t sharpen it.  My words could have cut glass.  She froze in place. “I will work around all of the silly, specific idiosyncrasies that make you who you are, and I love you for them.  But if you are hurt, there is nothing you can say to keep me from making sure you’re okay.  Do you understand me?”

    “Love me…?” Madison blinked.

    “…what?”

    “You said… you love me?” she stared, wide-eyed and bewildered, oblivious to the tears dripping down her cheeks.  Like everything else I said meant nothing.  Like everything about her being hurt, and making sure she was okay…

    “Of course,” I mumbled, unable to meet her ever-present stare.  Like she’d never again take her eyes off me, and I’d never again get to peek beyond her glasses without embarrassment washing over me.  What the fuck was I thinking? “Now will you take off your damn jacket?” And to both of our surprise, she actually did.

    I didn’t know what to expect.  Her dad always struck me as the kind of guy I shouldn’t trust.  A loud, boisterous man, perhaps quick to anger the way he was quick to criticize his daughter over every little detail.  It wasn’t unreasonable to think he would hit her, even if he didn’t mean it.  A few bruises, here or there.  Purple blotches infecting her otherwise beautiful, frail skin.  

    Then again, her mom never struck me as a dumb woman either.  She wasn’t the kind of person who wouldn’t notice.  Maybe she was afraid of being hit.  Or maybe her and Madison shared a mutual affection for make believe.  Maybe she was content enough to bury herself in social obligations, party dinners, and charity fundraisers, so much so that letting a thought or two slip her mind - like why her daughter wears a hoodie to bed - was okay.  Maybe she could turn a blind eye to other things too.

    When Madison took off her jacket, I saw her arms for the first time since grade school.  No cardigan, no sweater, no coat.  But it wasn’t bruises that decorated her arms above the elbow.  They were cuts.  Small, precise, parallel cuts.  Intentional, practiced, polished cuts.  And I realized all at once who the villain of the story was.

    “Oh, no…”

    She didn’t say anything.  I had to say something.  I had to do something.  But what was I supposed to do?  Splotches of dried blood decorated her left arm.  Like a painting.  My stomach spun in circles in the worst possible way.

    “Let’s get you cleaned up,” I told her, gently and leaving no room for argument. “Come on.”

    I took her hand in mine and walked her out of her bedroom and into the bathroom across the hall.  I soaked a washcloth under warm water and found antiseptic and bandages behind the mirror.  Madison sat down on the lid of the toilet, looking at anything but her arms.  Well, her arms, and me.

    “It’s okay,” I told her, thought it wasn’t.  It wasn’t okay.  Fuck, was this not okay.  But it would be.  Right?  I should say that. “It will be okay.  Just relax.”

    Here, in the bright bathroom lights, I could get a better look.  There was only one cut that was bleeding, or had been bleeding.  Once I washed away the blood with the warm washcloth, it looked a lot better.  A thin, jagged line, red and bright and sore.  I put antiseptic on it all the same.  The rest of the lines were pink or white, long since healed.  I counted eleven.

    “It’s going to be okay,” I told her, but I wasn’t able to manage a convincing smile.  I went to her other arm - the right side - but there wasn’t anything I could do.  This side only had five lines.  One was hard and red, recent.  Last night, maybe?  I rinsed the rag in the bathroom sink, and tried not to think about it.  About how, if I’d stayed last night, or if I’d come over sooner…

    “Jamie?”

    “Hmm?  Yeah?” I turned back to her with another fake smile.  Fuck.

    “I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to worry you.” Of course she’d say something like that.

    “I just don’t like seeing you hurt.”

    "I didn't want you to see."

    "That's not what I meant," I said with a touch of irritation, but I quickly let that ebb away into gentle concern. "I want you to be safe. This? This isn't safe."

    "It's fine," she shrugged. 

    "It's not fine. It's not okay. And... and I just. Don't. Understand." That was the truth of the matter. An exasperated, undeniable, lack of understanding. "Why? Why would you..."

    She shrugged.  How could she be so annoying and so beautiful at the same time?

    "Tell me how you feel. Even if it's stupid. Just try to help me understand here. Please."

    "It makes the bad things go away," she mumbled. "The dark things."

    “The ones that fill you up?”

    She nodded.  I sighed softly and sat down on the bathroom floor, in front of the toilet, so I could look up at her.  I tried to keep my stare from glossing over her arms, but when our eyes met… well it wasn’t so hard anymore.

    “Go on.”

    “They just shut up after I do it.  Like… I got what was coming to me.”

    “You don’t deserve this, though.  It’s not fair on you.”

    She shrugged again.  Did she… really think she deserved it?

    “Madison.  You don’t deserve it.  No matter what those thoughts tell you, they aren’t real.  They are just terrible, terrible things.  They aren’t yours.  They aren’t true.”

    Wait…

    “Madison… what was today’s thought?  What has you so upset?”

    “My birthday is tomorrow,” she mumbled. “I hate my birthday.”

    “…because you’re getting older,” I guessed correctly.

    “I’ll never be as little as I am now, ever again… never be as cute.  Never be… closer to…”

    “Oh…”

    This thought wasn’t like her other ones.  The others were exaggerations.  They were tricks her mind played on her.  But this one was a statement of reality, fighting against her preference to ignore it.  This thought was real and true and irrefutable.  And that was what made this thought so dangerous, so scary, and it was what made me so useless.  But there was one thing she was wrong about.

    “I’ve known you for ten years, Madison Bell, and honestly, sincerely, with all my heart, every single day, you only get cuter.  And tomorrow, when you turn seventeen, you’ll be cuter still.”

    She faked a smile, but stifled a laugh.  Maybe because I had gotten flowery with my words, or maybe because she thought it was a joke.  Or maybe she was relieved that someone actually thought she was cute at her age.  But it was progress.  A step in the right direction.

    “Talk to me next time,” I said with a smile, a real one, because I honestly believed she might listen.

    I learned a lot of things about Madison that Sunday evening.  I learned about her jackets and I learned about her scars.  I learned about her fears and I learned another bad thought.  I learned how important this little stuff was to her.  But more remarkable, more surprising, more unbelievable than anything else: I learned Madison Bell was actually two and a half weeks older than me.

[YourFNF]

53 minutes ago, Sophie ♥ said:

Twenty-four.cause I honestly believed she might listen.

    I learned a lot of things about Madison that Sunday evening.  I learned about her jackets and I learned about her scars.  I learned about her fears and I learned another bad thought.  I learned how important this little stuff was to her.  But more remarkable, more surprising, more unbelievable than anything else: I learned Madison Bell was actually two and a half weeks older than me.

I knew it. Oh gods Madison. I just want to pick her up and hold her. I've had moments were acting that out has been tempting. It's like you can't think of anything else to do so you just want to take it out on something but the only thing there is yourself. So you want to take it out on yourself. Gods again I just want to hold her. Shit my hands have a bit of a tremor.

 

Shit the feels in this one.

[bbykimmy]

1 hour ago, Sophie ♥ said:

“I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to worry you.” Of course she’d say something like that.

So most people with trauma (and in my personal believe, everyone has trauma), there's this pervading theme.  "I'm worthless", "I'm stupid", "Nobody likes me"... and this is the root of a LOT of problems that don't even seem related.  It lives like a black line through your whole life, through every behavior, and seemingly innocuous things can trigger it.

Madison believes that she's a burden.  A lot of Littles have this one.

If you've followed my writing or my commentary at all, you know that I say this a lot:  Everyone Needs Therapy.  Madison needs therapy to learn coping mechanisms around this black line.

That's not my black line, but mine is just as jagged.

1 hour ago, Sophie ♥ said:

A thin, jagged line, red and bright and sore.  I put antiseptic on it all the same.  The rest of the lines were pink or white, long since healed.  I counted eleven.

I didn't want to be right on this one.

Eleven means that she's gotten better at it.  A cutter learns to cut more shallowly, so people don't "worry" about them.  They still cut, but they'll heal without scarring.  Lots and lots of tiny scratches.

1 hour ago, Sophie ♥ said:

“I’ve known you for ten years, Madison Bell, and honestly, sincerely, with all my heart, every single day, you only get cuter.  And tomorrow, when you turn seventeen, you’ll be cuter still.”

Oh Jamie <3

I've been lucky so far, I look several years younger than I am.  But I'm in my mid-30s, and cute doesn't last forever.  Aging Littles is a thing I never cover in my fiction because it's a thing I'm afraid of myself.  I'm vain, what's going to happen when I can't look in the mirror and go "that's cute"?

So this one hits close to home in more ways than one.

This story is a work of art.  I've said it several times, but it's true.

[YourFNF]

7 minutes ago, bbykimmy said:

So most people with trauma (and in my personal believe, everyone has trauma), there's this pervading theme.  "I'm worthless", "I'm stupid", "Nobody likes me"... and this is the root of a LOT of problems that don't even seem related.  It lives like a black line through your whole life, through every behavior, and seemingly innocuous things can trigger it.

Madison believes that she's a burden.  A lot of Littles have this one.

If you've followed my writing or my commentary at all, you know that I say this a lot:  Everyone Needs Therapy.  Madison needs therapy to learn coping mechanisms around this black line.

That's not my black line, but mine is just as jagged.

I didn't want to be right on this one.

Oh Jamie <3

I've been lucky so far, I look several years younger than I am.  But I'm in my mid-30s, and cute doesn't last forever.  Aging Littles is a thing I never cover in my fiction because it's a thing I'm afraid of myself.  I'm vain, what's going to happen when I can't look in the mirror and go "that's cute"?

So this one hits close to home in more ways than one.

This story is a work of art.  I've said it several times, but it's true.

I feel all of this. Especially the first part

[VoxyRox]

This story reminds me so much of one of Kimmy's stories. Where someone is broken, and they travel through this wave of events and emotions to hopefully come out on top in the end. I hope Jamie and Madison find a way to make the best of it too. ?

[Sophie ♥]

7 minutes ago, VoxyRox said:

This story reminds me so much of one of Kimmy's stories.

This is such a great compliment!  

@bbykimmy

[Wannatripbaby]

Whoa whoa whoa! Madison's a cutter? Where did that come from??? Sophie, I know you're new at this whole writing game, but you can't just throw something like that at your readers with absolutely no set-up beforehand!

[LilLadyLexi]

Damn this story is hitting really close to home. But I just can't stop reading. I can feel exactly how Madison does and that's scary but also helps me connect with the character a bit more. I'm really liking this story. And come to think of it. There's not one of your stories that I haven't liked Sophie. Keep it up! 

[Sophie ♥]

6 hours ago, RainbowEclipse said:

 And come to think of it. There's not one of your stories that I haven't liked Sophie. Keep it up! 

 THANK YOU SO MUCH!

Thanks everyone for the constant commenting and liking and all that fun stuff.  I'm really so happy that I shared this story with everyone.  

I'm writing at the moment, but I should have another chapter up tonight.

[Sophie ♥]

Twenty-five.

    I didn’t go home that night.  It wasn’t safe to leave Madison on her own, but that wasn’t to say she was a burden.  If it was up to me, I would have spent the night with her months ago.  But this wasn’t like I’d imagined.

    She didn’t sleep very much, not at first.  She sat with her blanket pulled up to her neck and watched the little TV in the corner of her room with very little interest.  I was starting to believe the TV was only on for my benefit, but I was paying attention to Madison.  The television would glisten off her glasses, but her eyes wouldn’t respond to the light.  Her thoughts had led her elsewhere, away from the TV, away from her room, away from me.  I didn’t like that.

    After a few hours, I went downstairs to get some water.  Madison had to come with me, much to her displeasure.  That’s when I realized her parents weren’t home.  I checked my phone.  11:25.  The night before their daughter’s birthday?  Assholes.

    “Hungry?” I asked.

    She shook her head.  Great…

    When we got back to Madison’s room, I knew that I had to take a stronger approach to this.  With me at her side, I knew Madison was safe.  But she needed to sleep.  She needed to eat.

    “Where are your sippy cups?” I asked.

    “Huh?”

    “I know you have some, so where are they?”

    Madison stared at me with parted lips, like she was ready to argue.  Like she had something to say.  But whatever words she was trying to push past her tongue were just too heavy.  Exhausted, she gave up.  She pointed at her dresser.  Bottom drawer.  

    I spent a lot of time online looking up little stuff over the past few weeks, so I was prepared for what I found.  The websites left me with a ton of questions, but one look in Madison’s dresser drawer answered most of them.  I fully expected Madison to be blushing when I turned back around, but she wasn’t.  She was sitting on the end of the bed again, pretending to watch the TV.  She didn’t seem to care at all, actually.  

    Well, that’s not a good sign.

    “Come on, we’re going back downstairs.”

    I led her around by the wrist, down the stairs, to the kitchen, until I filled her cup with chocolate milk.  Then I pulled her right back up toward her room.  The clock on her beside said 11:40.  I had to get this girl to sleep before midnight.  If this was how she acted in preparation for her birthday, I couldn’t even imagine what it would be like tomorrow.

    With the sippy cup in hand, I tried to pull Madison down into my lap.  She stubbornly refused.

    “I can do it myself,” she said flatly, almost annoyed, like if annoyed had less energy.

    “I’m sure you can, Maddie.” The nickname was new.  I had come up with it on the spot, and it tasted strange in my mouth.  But Madison seemed to have opted out of arguing.  I helped her down on my lap, so her head was against the waistband of my jeans, and put the sippy cup between her lips.

    At first, it seemed like she wasn’t interested at all.  She sipped at the spout until a quarter of the milk was gone.  I ran my fingers across her forehead, in her hair, and I watched her eyes slip shut.

    “Shh… it’ll be okay.  Everything’s okay.”

    I couldn’t be sure, but it felt like her sipping had gotten softer.  I curled my fingers in the tips of her hair.  When she opened her eyes again, they found their way to the TV.  Her eyes seemed to focus through her glasses, up at the flashing screen.  She was paying attention to the television, or at least trying to.  I tilted the cup a little so she could see better.  

    The milk was gone a lot faster than I expected, but I kept her head on my lap all the same.  I hummed a quiet song, a song I knew Madison probably wouldn’t know the words to.  

    It was 12:15 when Madison Bell fell asleep on my lap.  I didn’t dare move.  

    Finally, the weight of the day could come crashing down over me.  Exhaustion built up in my shoulders and in my temples.  I had to close my eyes.  We had school in six hours, but sleep took me in less than six minutes.

    “Rise and shine sleepyhead!”

    Madison pulled the covers off the bed.  I groaned.

    “You’re going to be late for school.”

    Why was she so damn chipper?  Wasn’t it her birthday or something?  I sat upright and pushed my palms into my eyes.  Everything about this day told me to go back to sleep.

    “Let’s stay home,” I said, reaching out to grab Madison’s hand to pull her back into bed with me.  She was a half-step too far away.

    “Let’s not.”

    “You can’t honestly want to go to school today,” I mumbled, searching around for a blanket.  I’d slept in my jeans.  It would have been uncomfortable if I hadn’t of crashed so quickly.

    “I do, actually.” She smiled, but it wasn’t one of her real smiles. “I could use some distraction.”

    I couldn’t argue with that, could I?  I looked her up and down - a sundress and a warm cardigan.  She was already dressed.

    “You’re not hurt, right?” As in, she hadn’t hurt herself since she’d woken up.  But she shook her head.

    “I’m okay.  I just need to act normal to feel normal.”

    I sighed. “Alright, I’m up.”

    We were in the car on the way to school.  I had never driven Madison to school before; I’d only driven her home.  I thought a morning with Madison would be great: a sunny start to the dreary tedium of academia.  But today I was worried.

    “You’ll text me if you need anything?” I asked her. “I don’t like leaving you alone right now.”

    “You’re worrying too much,” she dismissed.

    “But you will, right?  Text me?  And you’ll eat lunch with me, too?”

    “Sure,” she said.

    “And you’ll be safe?”

    “I’ll be safe.”

    We had parked in the school lot before she said:

    “Don’t tell anyone, okay?”

    “About your arms?”

    She shook her head; she wasn’t worried about that.  She was more worried about the day of the year.

    “I won’t tell anyone,” I promised.

    “Thanks.”

    I wanted to wish Madison a happy birthday.  I wanted to tell her she was just as cute as she was yesterday.  I wanted to tell her that tomorrow and for another three hundred sixty four days she’d be seventeen.  Stopped in time.  But I thought, maybe, telling her those things counted as telling somebody.  She just wanted to get through school without anyone saying the word birthday.

    I texted Madison in every class and passed her notes in Biology.  I asked if she was okay so much I swear I was annoying her.  But she didn’t act like it.  She wasn’t acting like much of anything, actually.  But whenever she had to talk to someone, I got a fresh glimpse of the past.  Madison, before I got to know her.  Madison, chipper and bright and radiant.  Madison, false.  How had I been so oblivious before?  How were her friends - my peers - so oblivious now?

    At lunch, Madison and I ate in the Writing Workshop.  I liked the privacy.  I wasn’t a huge fan of other people in a general sense.  Other than with Polly, I think I could only be described as amicable.  That didn’t mean Polly and Madison were my only friends - they weren’t - but they were the only important ones.

    “I wanted to buy you a gift,” I told Madison as she picked the wrapper off a Starburst.  She hadn’t been eating them, just playing with the wrappers.

    “I don’t want a gift.” Her answer was sharp and quiet.  Bored.  Uninterested.

    “Friends get other friends gifts on—”

    “Don’t say it.”

    I sighed and pulled out my phone.  It was something I’d been looking into for a couple days now.  I never thought about Madison’s birthday or when it could be, but I was falling for some of the clothes I found online.  I turned the phone around and slid it across the table to Madison.

    “That one.”

    “Oh.”

    That was the first time I’d heard an honest inflection out of her all day!  Her cheeks took on a touch of color and the corners of her lips a hint of a smile.  She reached out and turned the phone over so the screen was facing down and ate one of her Starbursts.

    “I can’t buy it yet,” I told her. “But I’ll have some money in a few weeks.” After my birthday.  Then I could afford it.

    “You don’t have to—”

    “How old are you anyway?”

    She stared at me, bewildered, and I could see the anxiety and frustration rising in her chest.  It puffed her out like a balloon and sucked her in like a crushed paper cup.  Damnit, why was she so cute?

    “When you’re little, I mean.”

    I watched the stress pour out of her body.  It was like watching bathwater swirl down the drain rather than spill over the rim.  But her cheeks were still red with frustration.  She started to unwrap another Starburst.

    “Five,” she answered.  

    Huh.  I expected younger after getting a glimpse of her Little Drawer.

    “Well I’m going to buy you that,” I told her, tapping the top of my phone. “Happy fifth birthday.”

    I wasn’t sure if I was making things better or worse, not really.  I knew how much she hated her birthday.  I knew how it made her feel.  And I knew that she would rather hurt herself than deal with that reality.  But maybe I could drag this day - like every other day - away from reality.  Maybe her birthday didn’t have to be a bad thing next year, or the year after.  Maybe she could turn five for the rest of her life, and maybe she’d start loving it again.  Maybe she’d even let me celebrate those days with her, from now until she turned six.  That was, from now until the end of time.

[Nappygirl97]

Her eyes Wouldn't responding to the light. That sentence feels awkward shouldn't it be respond to the light?

[Sophie ♥]

8 minutes ago, Nappygirl97 said:

Her eyes Wouldn't responding to the light. That sentence feels awkward shouldn't it be respond to the light?

The one time I don't proofread 100 times before posting...

Thanks for the catch.  I edited the post.

[bbykimmy]

Wow, I think this was the longest chapter to date.  I really enjoyed it.  Here we go!

15 minutes ago, Sophie ♥ said:

That’s when I realized her parents weren’t home.  I checked my phone.  11:25.  The night before their daughter’s birthday?  Assholes.

Assholes!  I'm really deeply curious about this one.  I have to take business trips from time to time, but both parents being gone for their troubled kid's birthday?  Zero percent chance she's completely hidden her cutting from them.  It's willful ignorance on their part, I feel (I'm gettin' mad), she wears sleeves, they don't see it, so that means it's not a problem, right?

I have not nice generalizations to make, I'm going to keep them to myself.

21 minutes ago, Sophie ♥ said:

I led her around by the wrist, down the stairs, to the kitchen, until I filled her cup with chocolate milk.

Jamie CG on point!  You don't leave your Little alone in this situation, you keep her in your sight, you keep her safe.  She's not stable, she's not thinking clearly.

Now, this part right here is a big difference between what I write (sexual CG/l) and what this story is all about (the more therapeutic CGLRE).  Madison is an age regressor, I'm not.  She regresses as a coping mechanism, to help her deal with pain and trauma (there's more to her trauma than what she's showing here, her birthday is a trigger, not the cause).  This is valid.  It's not a kink.  It's not a fetish.  It's a coping mechanism.  The two should not be confused and some CGLRE people can be really triggered by the more sexual aspects of the fetish-type play (what I write about).

That doesn't mean it's like that for ALL age regressors, you can have a therapeutic regression coping mechanism AND still have the fetish... it's not safe to assume, humans are complex.

Okay, soapbox done.

21 minutes ago, Sophie ♥ said:

“I’m sure you can, Maddie.”

I was really worried that this one was going to backfire.  That's a common diminutive of her name, that could have been a trigger if there's a childhood trauma associated with it.  Jamie got lucky - Madison's parents do not have the best relationship with her, their favored nickname could be a source of pain rather than comfort.

22 minutes ago, Sophie ♥ said:

but I was falling for some of the clothes I found online

WHAT IS IT JAMIE?

We know that Madison's aesthetic is sundresses... but that doesn't strike me as her goal.  Is it a frilly dress?  Something lolita?  Probably not, those are CRAZY expensive.  My money is on shortalls

I like clothes  

23 minutes ago, Sophie ♥ said:

 Huh.  I expected younger after getting a glimpse of her Little Drawer.

What's in the drawer, Jamie?  You're hiding a lot from me today >_<

Little age can be a funny thing.  You can be six and still in diapers, you can be three and want a bottle, you could be a mid and play as an 11 year old but want a sippy cup.  The trappings are somewhat fluid, and that's valid  

23 minutes ago, Sophie ♥ said:

“Happy fifth birthday.”

... no deep statement here, I love celebrating my third birthday every year   \o/

23 minutes ago, Sophie ♥ said:

Maybe she could turn five for the rest of her life, and maybe she’d start loving it again.  Maybe she’d even let me celebrate those days with her, from now until she turned six.  That was, from now until the end of time.

This is my favorite line of this chapter.  Jamie is embracing Madison and her Littleness.  And the poetic acceptance of the fact that some part of her will be eternally five is beautiful.  Really beautiful.  I love the way it's phrased, that final sentence of the chapter, that artistic closing.

Jamie will accept that part of her.  Forever.

<3

[VoxyRox]

I'm sad there are only 5 more chapters to go before this series is over. This story is one of your best, Sophie. Top notch story making here. And very unique and different from your average style. I love it and it really shows your skill in writing.

[Wannatripbaby]

Awww, both her parents are gone on her special day? How unfortunate. I'm sure they would've liked nothing more than to spend the day celebrating with their favorite girl. 

5 hours ago, bbykimmy said:

I'm really deeply curious about this one.  I have to take business trips from time to time, but both parents being gone for their troubled kid's birthday? 

My parents were actually gone on my 21st birthday because they had to attend a funeral out-of-state. Which would've been fine, except they gave me permission to try their wine while they were gone since I was of legal drinking age. This also wouldn't have been a problem except, as many of you already know, I'm allergic to alcohol. One glass of white wine later and I was sicker than I'd been in years! I was almost temlted to call the hospital if it weren't for my dread fear of them. 

What was I talking... Oh yeah! Madison's Code. Great chapter as always, Sophie. ♡♡♡

 

[Guilend]

9 hours ago, bbykimmy said:

What's in the drawer, Jamie?  You're hiding a lot from me today >_<

Little age can be a funny thing.  You can be six and still in diapers, you can be three and want a bottle, you could be a mid and play as an 11 year old but want a sippy cup.  The trappings are somewhat fluid, and that's valid  

I know what you mean, Sophie is being a meanie. She isn't letting us see the good stuff. I play about a 5 year old, sometimes older, but I am always in diapers or pull-up, which nether of them every stay clean or dry long. I don't think i care much for the bottles or sippy cups, but I never had any that where the right size. I probably would enjoy a paci though. 

I haven't had a little drawer in a long time, eventually i will make a new one now that I am a single little again and not pretending to be a big anymore.

oh and I love this chapter @Sophie ♥

[YourFNF]

9 hours ago, bbykimmy said:

Wow, I think this was the longest chapter to date.  I really enjoyed it.  Here we go!

Assholes!  I'm really deeply curious about this one.  I have to take business trips from time to time, but both parents being gone for their troubled kid's birthday?  Zero percent chance she's completely hidden her cutting from them.  It's willful ignorance on their part, I feel (I'm gettin' mad), she wears sleeves, they don't see it, so that means it's not a problem, right?

I have not nice generalizations to make, I'm going to keep them to myself.

Jamie CG on point!  You don't leave your Little alone in this situation, you keep her in your sight, you keep her safe.  She's not stable, she's not thinking clearly.

Now, this part right here is a big difference between what I write (sexual CG/l) and what this story is all about (the more therapeutic CGLRE).  Madison is an age regressor, I'm not.  She regresses as a coping mechanism, to help her deal with pain and trauma (there's more to her trauma than what she's showing here, her birthday is a trigger, not the cause).  This is valid.  It's not a kink.  It's not a fetish.  It's a coping mechanism.  The two should not be confused and some CGLRE people can be really triggered by the more sexual aspects of the fetish-type play (what I write about).

That doesn't mean it's like that for ALL age regressors, you can have a therapeutic regression coping mechanism AND still have the fetish... it's not safe to assume, humans are complex.

Okay, soapbox done.

Definitely one of those for whom it's both. Although when I fantasize about my self personally I notice it's less sexy and more wanting someone to ride in on a white horse and save me.

[diaperpt]

Wow! I hadn't read for about 3 chapters and I think I'm as impressed by the comments as I am with the story. Yeah, the story is the main thing and I'm so, so glad Jamie has been so persistent. I don't know how all of us are going to be able to hug Madison, but I just want to hug her as well.

I can't relate as so many of the other readers can. I do agree we've all faced trauma of one sort or another. And I know from my own experience, even the effect of mild trauma can be huge. Not in cutting but in other life changing ways. I can't identify with the cutting as several others here do but reading their comments tugs on my heart. I started commenting on the one cutter I tried to help, but it's more important for the other readers here to tell their stories.

Sophie, you were writing this story to help a friend understand the whole idea of being a Little and look what a profound effect you're having on so many! And I can't imagine that there's anyone with a heart that won't understand being Little just a bit more from this story. 

[kerry]

On 8/31/2018 at 8:33 AM, Wannatripbaby said:

Whoa whoa whoa! Madison's a cutter? Where did that come from??? Sophie, I know you're new at this whole writing game, but you can't just throw something like that at your readers with absolutely no set-up beforehand!

She had the set-up. I guessed it several chapters ago.

[Wannatripbaby]

19 minutes ago, kerry said:

She had the set-up. I guessed it several chapters ago.

I know. I was totally joking, Kerry.

[Sophie ♥]

On 9/1/2018 at 1:52 AM, bbykimmy said:

Jamie CG on point!  You don't leave your Little alone in this situation, you keep her in your sight, you keep her safe.  She's not stable, she's not thinking clearly.

Now, this part right here is a big difference between what I write (sexual CG/l) and what this story is all about (the more therapeutic CGLRE).  Madison is an age regressor, I'm not.  She regresses as a coping mechanism, to help her deal with pain and trauma (there's more to her trauma than what she's showing here, her birthday is a trigger, not the cause).  This is valid.  It's not a kink.  It's not a fetish.  It's a coping mechanism.  The two should not be confused and some CGLRE people can be really triggered by the more sexual aspects of the fetish-type play (what I write about).

That doesn't mean it's like that for ALL age regressors, you can have a therapeutic regression coping mechanism AND still have the fetish... it's not safe to assume, humans are complex.

Okay, soapbox done.

In the original draft, before I showed LB, Jamie went downstairs to get the chocolate milk on her own.  And I paused, thinking about it, like "...that's a terrible idea." Always keep someone in crisis in sight, especially Littles!

Madison is definitely an age regressor (CGLRE).  That's not to say her littleness is or isn't tied to her sexuality.  After all, Madison is modeled after me and I think diapers are super sexy!  But Kimmy is super right that age regression and kink stuff are very different in most regards.  When I'm feeling regressive-Little, I HATE people insinuating it's a kink thing.  But when I'm submissive-Little I'm like "uh, yeah, duh?"

On 9/1/2018 at 1:52 AM, bbykimmy said:

Little age can be a funny thing.  You can be six and still in diapers, you can be three and want a bottle, you could be a mid and play as an 11 year old but want a sippy cup.  The trappings are somewhat fluid, and that's valid  

This is funny.  Originally Madison's little age was six.  Then it was four.  And in the end I settled on a middle ground of five.  This is mostly because my "little age" has changed a lot over the years.  Originally I was three, in the ABDL scene.  When "Little" became a thing, I reinvented myself as six.  But in the past year or so I've really come to appreciate the "littler" things, so to speak.  And then I was told with significant certainty that I was four.  And that felt right in the moment.  

On 9/1/2018 at 1:52 AM, bbykimmy said:

This is my favorite line of this chapter.  Jamie is embracing Madison and her Littleness.  And the poetic acceptance of the fact that some part of her will be eternally five is beautiful.  Really beautiful.  I love the way it's phrased, that final sentence of the chapter, that artistic closing.

Jamie will accept that part of her.  Forever.

I love when people tell me their favorite lines!!  Thank you so much.

On 9/1/2018 at 3:08 AM, VoxyRox said:

I'm sad there are only 5 more chapters to go before this series is over. This story is one of your best, Sophie. Top notch story making here. And very unique and different from your average style. I love it and it really shows your skill in writing.

Thank you very much for the kind words!  I'm glad this story is so well received on DD.  

On 9/1/2018 at 11:07 AM, Aries said:

I know what you mean, Sophie is being a meanie. She isn't letting us see the good stuff.

You can pretty much assume anything I like Madison also likes, if that helps!  This story is a little less... direct.  Honestly, when I wrote it, I was too shy to mention anything specifically to my girlfriend.

[Sophie ♥]

Twenty-six.

    “I’ve never really felt like this before,” Madison told me.  Her birthday had come and gone.  The weekend was upon us.  Our heads were touching.  The grass was cold, but the sun above us was warm and lovely.  Clouds wafted in front of it, but the heat burned right through them.  March was kind to us: 68 degrees.  We were taking the day off.  Off doing.  Off thinking.  Off everything.  What else was there to do when the weather was this nice?

    “Whatcha mean?”

    “I dunno.”

    “Unencumbered?” I guessed.

    “Dunno what that means,” she said.

    “Like.  Not weighed down.”

    “Yeah, like that.”

    The sky was so blue.  I could only faintly hear the cars on the other side of the trees.  The park was swarming with people, but we were high up on a hill and no one was around.  We hadn't moved in so long.  I could actually see the difference in where the sun was in the sky.  Over there, then.  Over here, now.

    “Jamie?”

    “Hm?”

    “Why do you like me so much?”

    It was an honest day.  We were talking a lot.  We just talked and said the right things.  That’s all there was to today.

    “I’ve told you before,” I said. “You’re interesting.”

    “I don’t think so.”

    “It’s interesting that you think that.”

    We were quiet for another minute.  I heard a kid down at the playground screaming.  It felt like background noise.  Like music in a movie.  

    “I think you’re interesting too,” Madison told me.

    “Why do you think that?” 

    No emotion.  No surprise.  No curiosity.  No drama or panic or anxiety or fear.  Today was so serene, so blissful… our words were so light on our lips, our hearts were so gentle and obvious.  We were as we were, in that moment.

    “You like to read and edit stuff but you never write anything.  And you’re really gentle sometimes, and then you’re really loud and pushy other times.  And you’re so sincere about everything, like all that matters is being you.  Like you’re all that matters.”

    “I’m selfish?” I asked.  I was, in a way, very selfish.  But that wasn’t what Madison meant.

    “No.  You’re you.  And that’s the least selfish thing you could ever be, because that means everybody around you gets you too.”

    Oh.

    “You really think I’m that great?” I asked.

    “Don’t you?”

    “Hardly.”

    “Coulda fooled me,” she shrugged.  I could feel her movements all around me.  My hand found hers without any searching or wandering.  I put it down on top of hers, like it was waiting for me.  Like they were fated to touch.  Fingers fated to find solace in the empty spaces.  Together.

    “Madison?”

    “Hm?”

    “I’ve never felt like this before either.”

    “Cucumbered?” she guessed.

    We both fell apart laughing, and when we finally put ourselves back together again, I could have sworn I was one piece short.  A stolen piece I’d never get back.

    “Jamie?” Madison said, when the world was quiet again and the sun wasn’t over here anymore.  Now it was over there.  

    “Hm?”

    “Remember what you said, when you said… in my room.”

    Uh.  Well… that was pretty damn vague.  What I said in her room?  I’d been saying a lot of things in her room lately, exponentially more than last week.

    When I didn’t answer, Madison clarified: “You love me.”

    “Oh, yeah, you remember that, huh?”

    “Of course I do,” she pouted.  I wasn’t even looking at her and I could hear the pout in her voice.  I could envision her round, frustrated cheeks puffed out and her eyebrows pushed together above those curious, warm, milky brown eyes.

    “What of it?” I asked.

    “Well.  You mean it, right?”

    “Yep.” There was no point in lying now, was there?  It had been said.  And today was a simple, honest day.  I couldn’t ruin that just because I was embarrassed.

    “Well I love you too,” she said, and I just about exploded into stardust.  Finally, I was motivated to sit up.  After hours, hours, hours, of lying in the smushed down grass, I wasn’t anymore.

    “You do?” Wow, her face was red.  Maybe it was the way the sun arced through the trees, but I knew deep down that wasn’t it at all.  She wouldn’t even look at me, but I couldn’t take my eyes off the rims of her glasses.

    “Of course I do!” she huffed, and watching the real thing was so much better than anything I could imagine.  A smile broke out across my face.  Like the plague and Eastern Europe.  It wouldn’t stop for anything.

    Then a thought clouded my head.  Maybe a bad thought, like how Madison had them.  Like how they took a good thing and filled it in with darkness.  Like the plague and Eastern Europe.  It wouldn’t stop for anything.

    Today was supposed to be a simple, honest day…

    “Madison?”

    “Hm?”

    “I love you.  But…”

    Finally, she looked at me.  She sat up.  Was our simplicity ruined?  Was the honesty gone now?  No, not yet.

    “It’s not just about taking care of you and figuring you out.  You’re not like, a doll, or a puzzle to me.  You’re so compassionate, and you shoulder so much.  And you find the brightness in everything, and you find the darkness in everything.  You show me so many things I didn’t even know were there.  You’re an experience I always want to be experiencing.”

    Madison nodded, like she was waiting for me to continue.  So I continued.  I followed through with honesty:

    “So when I said I loved you, what I meant was… I really like you.”

    “Isn’t that what it means?” she asked.

    Ugh.

    “No, I mean.  I.  Like.  You.”

    “I.  Like.  You.  Too,” she said, mimicking my emphasis.

    “Madison.  Not like.  Like like.” And now I was no better than Polly.  I was officially a middle schooler.

    “Yes,” Madison said flatly. “Like.  Like like like.”

    I swear, she was so annoying!

    “Romantically, Madison!  I like you romantically!”

    “Yes I understand what you are saying!  Why do you keep saying it?”

    Wait, what?

    “I.  Like.  You.  Too,” she repeated.

    The frustration in me boiled over and evaporated into butterflies.  Every part of me warmed up and tipped upside down at the same time.  And I would have thrown up, I bet, if I remembered how.

    She liked me?

    “Do we like, kiss or something?” Madison asked. “I’ve never kissed anyone, but this is when people do it in the movies.”

    So, before I remembered what anxiety and nervousness and embarrassment were, before they all came rushing back - because they sure fucking would - I pushed my hand under her hair, behind her neck, and pulled her lips into mine.  And well…

    I never believed in magic.  I never believed in fairy tale endings or falling in love at first sight.  I never thought I’d see fireworks over the feeling of one person’s lips against my lips.  But when I kissed Madison Bell, I felt something even better.  Confidence.  Because damnit, this girl was a really bad kisser.

    So that was Saturday, the Saturday I kissed Madison Bell.  And for a long time - a long, long, long time - I would think of that day on that hill, in that park, with the sun and the clouds and her, as the best day of my life.

[VoxyRox]

Something about that makes me think Sophie was a bad kisser xD

[Sophie ♥]

5 minutes ago, VoxyRox said:

Something about that makes me think Sophie was a bad kisser xD

 I.. I AM OFFENDED.  THAT YOU WOULD EVEN CONSIDER!!!

I'm also a fucking amazing kisser.  I'll prove it.  

[bbykimmy]

NEW BEST CHAPTER YAY!

16 minutes ago, Sophie ♥ said:

 I could actually see the difference in where the sun was in the sky.  Over there, then.  Over here, now.

This was a great way to indicate the passage of time.  I love how you weaved it in several times this chapter.  Such a beautiful, poetic way to do it.

18 minutes ago, Sophie ♥ said:

    “I’m selfish?” I asked.  I was, in a way, very selfish.  But that wasn’t what Madison meant.

My heart clenched at this.  Nobody likes hearing this, and sometimes it doesn't matter what the other person meant when they say triggering words like this.  Your experience can be drastically different from the experience they intended, and your experience is just as valid.

It's a good thing this wasn't a trigger for Jamie, some people would have fallen apart.

22 minutes ago, Sophie ♥ said:

Like the plague and Eastern Europe.  It wouldn’t stop for anything.

Okay, Sophie.  Your metaphor game was on point the whole chapter.  I can tell that you really love this chapter, I do to.

But you do realize you just used the bubonic plague decimating Europe as a metaphor for love?

You so crazy.

I love it.

22 minutes ago, Sophie ♥ said:

“It’s not just about taking care of you and figuring you out.  You’re not like, a doll, or a puzzle to me.  You’re so compassionate, and you shoulder so much.  And you find the brightness in everything, and you find the darkness in everything.  You show me so many things I didn’t even know were there.  You’re an experience I always want to be experiencing.”

This line right here is the keystone of the story.  It holds it in place, it has the meaning.  It's fantastic.

23 minutes ago, Sophie ♥ said:

 “Romantically, Madison!  I like you romantically!”

This whole Abbott & Costello routine had me laughing.  I love it, and I love that Jamie is self-aware of the "middle school" nature of the conversation, it's delightful.

23 minutes ago, Sophie ♥ said:

The frustration in me boiled over and evaporated into butterflies.  Every part of me warmed up and tipped upside down at the same time.  And I would have thrown up, I bet, if I remembered how

Favorite metaphor of the chapter!  Favorite line of the chapter.

I love that feeling of romantic butterflies.  I'm a total romance addict.

24 minutes ago, Sophie ♥ said:

I never believed in magic.  I never believed in fairy tale endings or falling in love at first sight.  I never thought I’d see fireworks over the feeling of one person’s lips against my lips.  But when I kissed Madison Bell, I felt something even better.  Confidence.  Because damnit, this girl was a really bad kisser

Once again, your writing really brings this to life for me... and then you cap it off with perfect humor.

 

This was easily my favorite chapter so far, but I'm a romantic addict.  I love this chapter <3