Feel The Dark Side

[Repaid1]

Dearest Heather,

I have tried 4 times to kill myself, true depression is the most powerful enemy I have ever fought. My father killed himself over my mother cheating on him when I was 3, so I never really knew him. The memorys I have of him are my most cherished. It seems as though the whole world is on your shoulders and the pain is so bad that the only outlook is to just end the pain. A rational thought process is not obtainable. It is then that you must have those around you to bring you out from such a hole.

Even though my plans to take my life seemed obsured to some those that have a little knowledge of depression somewhat understand.

I hate taking my meds, but have come to understand that even though the side effects are dreadful, I have to take them.

I am recently married and have a wonderful wife, who seems to try and understand my disabilities and cope. It seems I am able to help everyone else but myself. Luckly like all my past girlfriends and first wife they love the fact that I am a AB, I think they see it as a release and even being a powerful man in their eyes usually. they use it for their power trip of the relationship to balance things out somewhat I guess.

Depression is nothing to be scoffed at when you reach the ultimate depth, you will need friends and family to help. I would have never met any of you on this site, let alone my wonderful wife if I let the "Demons" get me. Stay on your meds, live at the Brothers house for a bit. and then move on for what life has to give you. Please try and remember, when its your time to go, you'll go....you don't need to give it a boost! BTW that Keith Urban song is one of my favorites,

Your friend :

Lil' Timmy

[iamafemalebaby]

It is so sad reading all the troubles and stuff that people are going through on here but it also helps too!

Knowing is understanding, Understanding is learning, Learning means being able to do more thing to help

I certainly wish each and every one of you release from the dark side it cant happen straight away but with loving families and friends it will help a bit.

We are all special and can contribute so much to each other let's do it

[baby_G_diaperlover]

i wrote this paper in english class after reading the book Weathering Heights, i think that this is a good time to share it with everyone.

It is titled Where you come from.

The human creature is the most adaptable creature on earth it can adapt to the environment around it. There are hundreds if not thousands of rags to riches stories and the same if not just as many as people who have lost it all. I believe that a person can overcome different influences in their environment if they chose to overcome the obstacle in their way.

Humans live every were on the planet there are people in third world countries making the best out of situations and the opportunities presented to them and becoming doctors and nurses. The people that are in abusive situations beleave that this is the best that they can do and so they stay in them until someone tries to help them understand that if they get out if the abusive situations it will be better but it will still come down to the free will of the person making the decision and weather or not they wish to be so.

People in general believe that life in general will get better this is called hope. The only thing that will change the current situations is an action for the better. The best thing to do is to take a different point of view and see from other person’s eyes what might be the best course of action for the present time, however this thought never accrues to a person when it is the best time to do so. The point of view technique can help you find the best course action but as you see things from all different points of views there may be more then one way to start the change that is needed.

I believe that heathclif decided to go on the path that would help him fell the most fulfilled and to return the misery put on to him. If he would of decided to turn the other cheek and forgive the people that have hurt him so things would have been to much different between Cathy and Linton. There a million different action that he could have taken and helthclif decided on the most destructive.

I try to always keep a point of view to make the most rational decisions. I always try to remember the phrase “Acts of man are better then acts of god” because this helps me remember that if you are not happy with something don’t wait for someone else to do something about it go and take action to change the problem or situation at that you decide to change.

[DIAPERPHANTOM]

as i read this thread, i am crying.

u see the reason i live with my brother is cos, i have tried within the last 2 years to kill myself.

i have always been depressed, but never let it get to bad.

and it didn't till Oct.6, 2003. that was the day i found out my bf killed hisself. we had been together for 4 years, and was going to get married after he go out of college. he was the greatest. and i still miss him.

heather

I was very touched reading your post, it made me feel very sad. Time heals all wounds Heather, I'm sure you've heard that before, but it's true. You'll get through this and you have many friends here that are willing to be there for you. Although I don't visit the chat room that often, I always look forward to seeing you there, you always make me laugh. Wouldn't be the same without you!

[Andy]

....................

Knowing is understanding, Understanding is learning, Learning means being able to do more thing to help

............

That is why I always ask me the question of the next step. No question , no knowing , understanding, learning,......

[iamafemalebaby]

Andy

Why no question, why no knowing, why no understanding, why no learning????

If you suffer with depression you know the reason for it after the blackness clears (and it does gradually) you understand and with understanding comes learning so why negative responses to my last post.

I too have suffered bleak times in mylife and was at one point suicidal, but I finally realised I needed help and after that things got better and better.

Never give up hope I know it is hard for one reason or another but each and every one of us will come through our blackness if we believe in our selves. It is hard to do sometimes but just remember it wont be like that forever...

[kaithlyn_d]

i am thankful that i told my shrink about my ab side. he was the one who looked up web sites for me, and gave them to me. u guys don't know what u all mean to me. i look forwards to comeing on here and seeing u all. i know i have reall friends here. ppl who care. and i love everyone of u. lol even the horny net geeks.

ty all of u for being here for me.

i love all of u,

heather

[nappy_pins]

Excuse the pun......but I was in two minds!!!! ......about starting this as a thread....because I knew this was such a taumatic and terrible crippling desease.

You guys have been so open about the terrible things that have haunted your lives.........so in a way I am glad I started this thread.......I hope it is helping those who have written and those who have read the posts.....I know it is helping me and I also know alot about and have a great respect those people who have contributed so far.........

[iamafemalebaby]

Pins yes it was a good idea to start the thread as we all need to read what others are suffering and have suffered and it makes me realise just how lucky I am for coming through the dark times. So well done it has been a learning and exhilarating experience as well as a sad one.

Always here to listen

[Andy]

well Dee ,

if you think it is meant negative feel free to do so .

you just put yourself a shoe on which doesnt fit at all but as i said it is up to you

[kaithlyn_d]

andy she never said that. she was being positive about understanding how others feel. i for one am glad i have dee here to listen to me. she has helped me when i was feeling down, just like amanda and several others. it is a positive thing when there is a thread for ppl to talk about their feelings and know they r not going to b laughed at.

dee and amanda please never change, cos i need the both of yas

love yas

heather

[Dill_Pickle]

The last few years I found myself to be on a rollercoaster. Everything is great for a while then it changes and I get so down. There are times I just want to disappear. I also always feel the need to be "happy-go-lucky" around my friends, acting like everything is good and making everyone else laugh. I know I should go back to my therapist but I can't seem to make the call. I've been thinking lately that this (AB/DL) has a lot to do with it. I hide this from everyone in my life and feel like I can't be me, like I'm living a lie. Isolation, shame, fear, I feel these things and I wonder how prevalent they are among us?

If your diapers aren't getting in the way of the rest of your life, your (assumed good) shrink will ignore it. My shrink and I use the amount of need I feel for my diapers as an indicator of how well things are going.

[DIAPERPHANTOM]

If your diapers aren't getting in the way of the rest of your life, your (assumed good) shrink will ignore it. My shrink and I use the amount of need I feel for my diapers as an indicator of how well things are going.

I find your thread very interesting; could you expound on this a little more? Those of us that don't see a shrink might find this indicator useful. Thanks!

[baby_G_diaperlover]

after looking up some information on Gender identity disorder i found this site http://www.genderpsychology.org/transgender/suicide.html

it has a great eassy on suicide plz read before trying...

[nappy_pins]

me again...sorry

having a real bad time of it at the moment.....the black dog follows me everywhere....and for no reason.

I am not looking for self pity....as all fellow suffers will know....I just find it really helpful to chat...and hiding behind my ID.

I do have another specific question though....and I would welcome your thoughts and comments.....its all about MASLOW`S PYRAMID .....whilst I understand the basics.....I cant find anywhere about what if bits are missing....i.e....you dont fully have all the requirements for one level but say more on another....The obvious coment is....well it will crumble......ok if that is the case does that explain why I feel like shit all the time .....dont mean to be so deep on what I consider a fun and great group of people.....but I really could do with some input.......and dont say...go see the quack....I respect you guys too much...yhat is why I am asking you.

I am really at a low point...wearing nappies at night cos I have to....with this self cath...but havent dressed up as AB since september 2005....what whith a mucked up prostate and gout and back pain all due to the depression pills.......the going to sleep forever option has positive attractions...no more pain or having to pretend to be happy and funny all the time....just peace...for me its a thought that is getting harder to resist.

thanks for listening again...all my AB/DL friends

[baby-dandan]

Hey Everyone!,

I really want to thank all of you for being there for me in times of despair, I don't want to get all mushy on anyone, but you guys (and gals) mean alot to me. Even though I have never met any of you I feel a bond between us. We share some of the same illnesses, the same desires and feelings. When I was just twenty-one months old I was diagnosed with a brain tumor. I had radiatiion and kemotherapy. The radiation stunted my growth and caused alot of other problems too. The tumor was on my brain stem, so in removing that it took away some of my mental functions and motor skills. I consider myself lucky because I am still able to walk, talk, diaper myself (thank goodness) and many other things "normal" people can do! My mom almost had me potty trained before this occured, but after they found it and took it out that set my potty training back a year or so. After they took out the tumor, the doctors had to put in a permanent shunt (which is a small plastic tube with a valve on it inserted in the brain) because the fluid that collects in my brain does not drain out like it should. My mom feels like it has regressed me and I do this because I'm trying to regain some of my childhood I lost through operations and illness. She knows about it, strongly disaagrees with it but says she will not stop me from doing it. I know we have all had our problems, but we're still alive and kickin', and we refuse to go down without a fight! Best Wishes to all of you, and please don't give up! I know things will get better!

[baby_G_diaperlover]

Yes That is right becouse We are all human, and that is what it is to be human to relate and form bonds. That is what make us Diffrent from machines. I'm sorry To here about you Brain Tumer, Sadness Is Also a human Emotion.

Thank you Chalsie

[kaithlyn_d]

nappy.

if i have too stay here so do u ok.

we all need u as much as u need us.

i know u have too think about it, cos it always is there.

but i not do it if u not ok

love

heather

[nappy_pins]

I love words.......although I have a terrible time writing them.....yet others can say it all....I know poetry is an aquired taste....but all music lyrics are poems really.

From time to time I read a passage or verse or storey which captures exactly how I am feeling.....and this poem by Holland says it all for me......when I am depressed I read it lots ........somehow it is comforting......see what you think......

Death is nothing at all

Death is nothing at all.

I have only slipped away into the next room.

I am I and you are you,

whatever we were to each other, that we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name,

Speak to me in the easy way which you always used.

Put no difference in your tone,

wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow,

laugh as we always laughed

at the little jokes we enjoyed together.

Pray smile, think of me, pray for me.

Let my name be ever the household word

that it always was.

Let it be spoken without effort,

without the trace of a shadow in it.

Life means all that it ever meant,

it is the same as it ever was.

There is unbroken continuity,

why should I be out of mind

because I am out of sight?

I am waiting for you

somewhere very near

just around the corner.

All is well

If anything.....for those who dont suffer from the black dog......for me that poem gives you an insight of how I long to be elsewhere ....where it is peaceful and quiet.

pins

[toddler-j]

I havent posted on this thread befor, but feel its about time i did.

I have suffered from depression for a long time now.

Even in the times when i seem to have a smile on my face im only

ever ont thing away from my feelings surfacing again...

I have been a heavy drinker for years wich brings its own problems

with depression. and i cant keep alcahol in the house as if i start to drink

i dont know when to stop.

The first time i started self harming was about 15 and the firs time

i attempted suicide i was 18 and attempted it 4 or 5 times since.

now in the middle of depression again i feel at the of my teather,

there are things i should have hope for to keep me strong but

just cant see past the blackness now.

i have had a few types of tablets over time to help and the latest

are diazepam to help me from drinking but they dont help whats in my head.

i know this post probably doesnt make much sence but i just had to put

somthing donw.

sorry for being a bore.

Tj..

[kaithlyn_d]

tj we all are here for each other thats what this is all about. we all r conected in a way that most ppl never will ever feel. i u ever need to talk and this goes for everyone i am here to listen.

[Necare]

If anything.....for those who dont suffer from the black dog......

Nappy Pins, I think that the metaphor "the black dog" is very fitting for the hell that is depression. Maybe a metaphor for suicide could be "the black dog has devoured the white dog?" Not much left of my white one, that is for sure.

[nappy_pins]

sorry necare........I stole the usage from a great man.....and I suppose you woud need to an age and a brit to indentify with that one......Winston Churchill suffered terribly with depression......and he always refered to it as his black dog.

This decease affects alot of people...and it has no respect of rank of file...nor rich of poor....history is littered withgreat people whos lives have been blighted by this lothsome compliant.

But I see where you are comming from......and hang on in there with the rest of us

[Necare]

Churchill? Ok, I see! Well, thank you for the encouragement, but my goal is set. Just building up courage to "travel away" so to speak. I have figured out my method will be the old electric appliance in the bathtub. I`m just hoping that it will be quick, but then again everything difficult will always involve some pain, right? Hell, how I wished I lived in the USA right now. Envy you your liberal gunlaws.

[toddler-j]

Churchill? Ok, I see! Well, thank you for the encouragement, but my goal is set. Just building up courage to "travel away" so to speak. I have figured out my method will be the old electric appliance in the bathtub. I`m just hoping that it will be quick, but then again everything difficult will always involve some pain, right? Hell, how I wished I lived in the USA right now. Envy you your liberal gunlaws.

Not to be a merchant of doom but a thought i had the other day,

I was helping my father while he was working on a roof, and it wasnt to throw myself off

but a neat peice of kit we were using, a gas powered nail gun, as the thought pf it crossed my mind

but at around £500 they arnt cheap.

but as a way to escape what myself and many others feel is it really so expensive?

However as i havent got enough money to buy my poor cat some food sadly its a

bit out of my reach, but at the time it really did seem appealing to me, but infront of

my father wouldnt have seem right infact totaly unfair as my depression doesnt need to pushed down anyone elses throat it would be a thing i did on my own, like the first time i took an overdose

i was sure i wouldnt have been found till it was too late but the saying goes

"the best laid plans of mice and men" and i was found about an hour later, stomach pump is yukky....

Tj...