I Need Your Opinion Bout How Long To Keep Our Kids In Diapers

[rusty pins]

rusty pins,

Just because someone "gently" spanked their 3.5 year old child to potty train them... doesn't mean it is the right thing to do.

You should not even consider resorting to those tactics without consulting a physician first. Had I received that in this day and age, it probably would have saved me a lot of grief... and an expensive habit for buying very pricey diapers. Spanking probably would have had quite the opposite effect, no amount of physical abuse would have gotten my bladder functioning properly.

My friend's wife is a medical doctor! It wasn't until she consulted with her collegues and her own parents that they finally decided to do the light swats on the behind to get the point across. They knew their daughter was just being stubborn about it, seeing just how far she could go and get away with it and finally did ask advice on the next step. I'm happy to say she just graduated college and will be a teacher and ministering.

[rusty pins]

rusty was very clear that this child that was spanked did not have a physical or developmental delay that was causing the slow training .... but rather the child was pushing boundaries....

it seemed pretty clear he was not saying punish a child who has a bladder problem!

That is absolutly correct! This child used the potty when she wanted to, she just often decided to go in her pants instead and because the parents didn't do any more than a very light scolding, she kept pushing those boundries. It IS very clear that I do not advocate any punnishment for any child who has physical problems, incontinence, bedwetting and I do not advocate using diapers as a punnishment or humiliating any child! Anyone who thinks that way about me is wrong and clearly did not read my complete post! Sometimes when a kid knows what is expected of them and what he or she is not allowed to do but they go ahead and do it anyway, some form of punnishment may be required to correct their behavior. Punnishment does not mean beating your kid! It could mean a few light swats on the behind, canceling a planned trip the kid was looking forwards to, being sent to bed early, no favorite TV show that week, no dessert or being grounded. The punnishment has to fit the severity of the crime, though, and parents still have to let their children be kids and not punnish them for every little thing they do. Give the kids a chance to learn what is right and wrong. Only use a punnishment if the kid defies their parents and keeps doing something they know and have been told is wrong. Sometimes all a 3 year old may understand is a light swat on the rear. As kids get older and the things they do get worse, parents have to figure out ways to get it across that if their kids continue to do what they know is wrong after being told not to do it, they will have privledges taken away. I stress, this should not be done in a mean spirited or spitefull way. When parents do have to punnish their kids, it should always be with the mindset of that which is really best for their kids in the long run to keep them safe.

[Baby Brian]

Regardless if they're just pushing boundaries or not I think most everyone here is pretty well aligned in believing you should potty train a child when they are ready for it. Yes you can encourage them to go for it or not, but I really believe if a child doesn't want to potty train until they're 10 then so be it (though I suspect that would make their schooling more difficult and encourage them to potty train sooner). Still, don't force potty training on them or take their diapers away before they're ready.

[sarah_ab]

if a child is not potty training before the age of 3-4 then a visit do the dr IS in order. Difficulty w/ potty training after that age is one sign of a developmental delay and could also be a sign of a physical problem.

To say "ohhh my kids 8 but he just doesn't want to use the potty" is bad parenting. If you child was 10 and still ran in the street would you just say "ohhh when they want to they will look both ways." Hazardous to your emotional health IS hazardous to your health and a child who is still in diapers at 10 will be subject to bullying if it is simply because they are choosing to ... and honestly most schools will place a call to CPS due to allowing a child that old to continue to be in diapers.

Children are NOT just little adults, and the roll of hte parent at times is to make sure the child does what s/he needs to do, even if that means the kid crys and screams a yells. As a parent your job is to make sure they eat a balance diet including their fruits and veggies. You don't just let your child eat ice cream and candy all day.

Part of being a healthy child is to begin potty training around 2-3 and be finished w/ day traiing around 4-5... nights without accidents can take longer, many preschools will not take children who are not potty trained, or will chrage extra. Children who are not even getting it at all by the age of 4 often will be evaluated for futher developmental delays... thsi doesn't mean by 4 they are completely without accidents, but they are least for the most part recognizing when their body needs to go, and are making attempts to get to the bathroom before it is too late.

[rusty pins]

if a child is not potty training before the age of 3-4 then a visit do the dr IS in order. Difficulty w/ potty training after that age is one sign of a developmental delay and could also be a sign of a physical problem.

To say "ohhh my kids 8 but he just doesn't want to use the potty" is bad parenting. If you child was 10 and still ran in the street would you just say "ohhh when they want to they will look both ways." Hazardous to your emotional health IS hazardous to your health and a child who is still in diapers at 10 will be subject to bullying if it is simply because they are choosing to ... and honestly most schools will place a call to CPS due to allowing a child that old to continue to be in diapers.

Children are NOT just little adults, and the roll of hte parent at times is to make sure the child does what s/he needs to do, even if that means the kid crys and screams a yells. As a parent your job is to make sure they eat a balance diet including their fruits and veggies. You don't just let your child eat ice cream and candy all day.

Part of being a healthy child is to begin potty training around 2-3 and be finished w/ day traiing around 4-5... nights without accidents can take longer, many preschools will not take children who are not potty trained, or will chrage extra. Children who are not even getting it at all by the age of 4 often will be evaluated for futher developmental delays... thsi doesn't mean by 4 they are completely without accidents, but they are least for the most part recognizing when their body needs to go, and are making attempts to get to the bathroom before it is too late.

Hear Hear! Exactly this!

[mike indiapers]

I was finally potty trained rather late at age 6 and have very distinct memories of being in diapers during my childhood, both good and bad memories. My situation was a combination of major events that disrupted my ability to potty train and a physical aliment of IBS that went undiagnosed for sometime. When I was 3 years old my Mom potty trained me, so she thought, with the arrival of my baby brother, not wanting two kids in diapers. Soon thereafter we moved across country and these events were both very unsettling for me. I started to have frequent accidents and my Mom threaten to return me to diapers, which she made good on her promise. She decided to put me back in them full-time until I showed a willingess and ability to use the potty again and stop having accidents. I quickly regressed to using my diapers again and found being in them a source of comfort and security. I also had very little control over my bowels so it was a relieve not to worry about disappointing my Mom with another accident once back in diapers again.

That being said, I was also very self conscious and embarrassed being in diapers as an older child. All the other kids my age were potty trained. I delt with it the best I could. I loved the extra attention that diapers brought me and grew attached to them. My Mom finally potty trained me the summer before I started kindergarten, so at least I didn't go to school in diapers, they probably wouldn't let me go in diapers anyway. I remember missing my diapers once out of them and having strong feelings about wanting to be in diapers again. I was jealous of seeing other toddlers still getting the attention being in diapers and wanted the same thing. This I attribute to my ABDL needs and feelings today.

I just thought I would share my story and give another perspective. In retrospect, I probably could have been potty trained earlier, but my Mom decided on this course for her own reasons. A combination of factors contributed to my situation. I have no bad feelings about it. Sure, being an older child in diapers was not always easy and sometimes very humbling, but it also had it's advantages.

[Baby Brian]

Well pointed Sarah but speaking for myself I can remember countless times as a kid where it didn't matter what I wanted (or even if I was right), I was told so by my parents, teachers, even the "friend" of the court. Not listening to what I wanted or even asking for my input left me with emotional scarring just as much (if not more) than physical abuse. Children may not be small adults but please remember they are capable of thinking for themselves, they just lack the experience needed to make informed decisions which is why they should be guided not directed. So long as it doesn't risk their life; letting a child learn on their own, even by making the wrong choice, is in no way bad parenting.

Also, I apologize for not making it clear I was solely speaking in terms of what the child truly wants, not what they can deal with (emotionally or physically). If there are signs of a development disorder they yes, a doctor's visit would be in order. If not, then maybe just a visit to a psychiatrist so a trained person can determine if it's really what they want or if something deeper is going on that needs to be addressed. You are correct about the school bullying though, strong encouragement should definetly be given to potty train before school. But again I strongly believe that taking them away by force, against the child's deepest wishes, should always be a no-no (regardless of their age).

[sarah_ab]

a child at the age of 4 wanting to be in diapers is a concern to all adults. and does not mean it would be right for a parent to allow us to continue wearing and using diapers...

as 12 year old wanting to have sex is a concern for adults. and does not mean it would be right for the parent to allow this 12 year old to have sex - at 12 this is a sign of underlying problems - be it from peer pressure, from developmental delays in not understanding the implications, or due to emotional trauma.

a 10 year old who wants to bring their security blanket to school is a concern to adults and does not mean it would right for the parent to allow the child to continue bringing their security blanket to school - at 10 this is a sign of underlying problems be they emotional or developmental.

If a child doesn't like tomatoes, than by all means don't make them eat tomatoes, kids are allowed to have likes and dislikes, however there are certain instances when what a child wants is detrimental to allow them to have it - such as allowing your child to continue to wear and use diapers when they are perfectly capable of not doing so... along with keeping a child safe, of the things a parent has to teach a child is that you cant always ahve the things you want when you want them, and there are appropriate times and places for things. Part of growing up is that not always getting your way, and learning to regulate the frustration and anger that comes with finding this out.

There are times when it is good to let your child learn the wrong way sure like having their first boyfriend/girlfriend even though you know they will break up and be hurt, or letting them make the decision to either continue screaming and get punished, or stop and apologize...

and some parents would ratehr their child burn their hand horribly on the stove than stop them from touching it. some parents would rather let their child shoot their own foot, rather than stop them from playing with a gun. Some parents would rather let the child fall off their bike and suffer a head injury rather than make the child wear a helmet every time , and i guess some parents would let their child be ridiculed and teased and treated differently by teachers and students just so they can 'learn' the hard way.... sure some parents would rather just do it this way.. cause yeah thats clearly showing how much you love your child!

we like diapres, and that is great, but seriously, you can't say that if you parents allowed you to wear diapers your entire childhood you would be better off... life would have been MISERABLE due to the treatment of the other children who would inevitably find out you were still in diapers.

[Bettypooh]

....you can't say that if you parents allowed you to wear diapers your entire childhood you would be better off... life would have been MISERABLE due to the treatment of the other children who would inevitably find out you were still in diapers.

I can say that and honestly too My life would have been less miserable with diapers being hideable while being forced to deal with wet pants everywhere wasn't My parents had other options- such as making sure I always had some dry clothes handy- but they didn't This may be the only situation where diapers would be the best option for an older child, I don't know, but your 'blanket statement' is a bit wet here dearie

Wet diapers are better than wet pants when the person can do no better but best is if children who are able can get potty trained as soon as it can happen so they don't have to deal with either of these lesser options. Always go for the best (and don't make blanket statements about anything other than blankets )

Bettypooh

[chad334]

WOW,dont think anyone could have said it better duck.

I agree. That was a great read.

[Baby Brian]

I can say that and honestly too

Thanks Bettypooh, I honestly can say that too. I was potty trained at age 2 and dry at night by 3 but have still wanted to wear diapers for as long as I can remember. My parents always took my hard earned diapers away ever chance they could. Sometimes I would buy diapers with my allowance and hide them in my school locker, often wearing them all day just so I could have them. Yes I got picked on, but to me that wasn't as bad as not having them.

Sarah, I hope we can just agree to disagree. I can see your points but just can't agree with them. For a child; hot stoves, guns and even to a point-sex poses a clear danger to a child's health, but diapers, security blankets and bad relationships don't. You point out the danger of emotional trauma by allowing them, but you don't seem to realize the equal risk for emotional trauma from taking it away when they still need (or deeply want) them? I'm sure you've noticed I keep pointing out getting a psychologist involved right/ It's important to make sure letting them wear diapers is the right choice while weeding out the deeper problems that can worsen or cause other emotional problems, yes. But again, forcibly taking them away can be much, much worse than you may realize.

Sometimes loving someone enough really does mean letting them go. You may not like it but allowing any child to make their own decisions is not just acceptable but really is good parenting too (*so long as the parent makes sure they are well informed of the consequences, and has at the most encouraged them to make the right choice). Turning them loose in the world as you described before just isn't. Obviously though there are wide gray areas to parenting which can only be determined jointly by the child and parent, but it is only in those clearly black & white areas where it should only be left to the parent. Wearing diapers after age 4 or so is not a clearly black and white area or this thread wouldn't even exist.

[sarah_ab]

ok i never said taking diapers away from a child who has a MEDICAL need for them was good .... if the child is developmentally delayed or physically had a medical need for them of course you do not just let them wet their pants!!!

but if a child is fully capable of using the toilet when needed it doesnt make sense for a kid to stay in diapers .... if a childs broken bone has healed u dont leave them in the cast .... at ine point there was a need for that cast but then the need passed and you take it off the child ....

if the child wanted to continue wearin the cast and not using the now healed arm or leg all the time that IS cause for concern .....

but you are right brian i disagree that a parent lettig a child continue wearing and using diapers well beyond our societies socially and medically accepted age (3-4 yrs) is is not a good idea .... besides its not like the toddler is going to be buying those diapers ...

anyway as usual no matter what you say someone takes something out of context and ignores the rest .... so im outa this

[rusty pins]

Thanks Bettypooh, I honestly can say that too. I was potty trained at age 2 and dry at night by 3 but have still wanted to wear diapers for as long as I can remember. My parents always took my hard earned diapers away ever chance they could. Sometimes I would buy diapers with my allowance and hide them in my school locker, often wearing them all day just so I could have them. Yes I got picked on, but to me that wasn't as bad as not having them.

Sometimes loving someone enough really does mean letting them go. You may not like it but allowing any child to make their own decisions is not just acceptable but really is good parenting too (*so long as the parent makes sure they are well informed of the consequences, and has at the most encouraged them to make the right choice). Turning them loose in the world as you described before just isn't. Obviously though there are wide gray areas to parenting which can only be determined jointly by the child and parent, but it is only in those clearly black & white areas where it should only be left to the parent. Wearing diapers after age 4 or so is not a clearly black and white area or this thread wouldn't even exist.

Well, I'm not even going to comment on emotional trama and if that is good or harmful for a child. What I am going to point out between Sarah and Brian's posts here is the age of a child! You will notice in my first post on this topic, I stated that when a child grows old enough (my own feelings are teenage years), they can make the decision as to if they want to go back to wearing diapers again. At least they have had many years to make a decision and have had many years of experience in public, at home, in school and among their peers. Most importantly, they experienced being toilet trained. You can't make a rational decision on something unless you have experienced both sides, and that means wearing diapers and being able to use the toilet. It is an unfair statement to say let a kid decide to just wear his or her diapers when they haven't even been potty trained. Maybe once they have been potty trained they will see that experience (something they have never yet done) and decide, yes, this is much better than wearing diapers all the time!Brian, you said in your post, "Sometimes loving someone enough really does mean letting them go. You may not like it but allowing any child to make their own decisions is not just acceptable but really is good parenting too (*so long as the parent makes sure they are well informed of the consequences, and has at the most encouraged them to make the right choice)." I 100% agree with you that loving your child does mean you eventually have to let them go and make their own decisions, and make sure thier kids are well informed. Seriously, do you think at age 4 or 5 a child is old enough, mature enough and compitent enough to make their own choice about anything, including potty training? Have they the mental capacity and maturity yet to fully understand, in your own words, "the parent makes sure they are well informed of the consequences"? I say, at age 4, 5, 6 and even older, HELL NO! That's why you don't let children out into the world until they are in their teens and have learned enough and experienced enough to make good decisions based on experience. Sure, not all decisions will be the right ones, but it's their experiences that helps them make informed and rational decisions. How can a person make a rational decision on diapers VS toilet unless they have experienced both, and are old enough to have the wisdom and rational to make the proper choice based on many things in their daily lives? What daily life does a 4 or 5 or 6 year old have except spending their days with their mother, being fed, changed, having books read to them, playing with their toys, being taken for play dates with other kids their same age, basically having everything done for them by their parents! That really prepairs them for the rest of their life when, as you say, the parents have to let then go and make their own decisions.I respect your own feelings and somewhat understand the anxieties and tramas you went through yourself as a child, and you do make some valid points about letting your child go and make their own decisions. In your case, you did state that you were potty trained at age 2 (maybe a little too young for you at the time) and you had trama. You didn't mention how old you were when you were in school and your parents kept taking your hard earned diapers away from you, but I wouldn't think it was at age 4 or 5. Maybe it was. Buying them with your allowance and hiding them in your school locker indicates to me you were probably middle school or older (perhaps teenage years as I stated?) It may have even been the way your parents toilet trained you along with your 2 year age that caused you so much trama. I'm not going to get into that, but it's just as important how a parent goes about toilet training as is the childs age. If not done properly, any kid can be tramatized! Thats why there are many toilet training books and guides for parents to read first!Brian, I see some of your points and this is not to bash you in any way. You are a great guy and an asset to this site. All I think we are saying here, is a child has to grow and mature to the point where they are capable of making not just their own decisions, but good decisions that will best serve them later in life, and decisions that are based on having experienced not only one part of life (such as diapers), but other options they have available to them so they can weigh the choices and then make their decisions. No matter what, 4, 5, 6 and even older kids are not mature enough to make most decisions for themselves, and I feel especially that parents are their to teach and guide their kids until they do recieve the wisdom, education and experiences that allow them to start making their own decisions. Even then, you don't start by making a big life altering decision right away! You start giving the kid some choices on minor things first, see what happens and then as time goes on you start giving them a little more responsibility. 4 and 5 year olds are just not ready for a lot of responsibility yet! Just starting kindergarden can be a big change for some kids! Does that mean we should let them make their own decisions and just not send them to school because they may not want to go? Is that good parenting and prepairing the kid for life by letting him or her decide they just don't want to go to school? Yes, the same goes for keeping them in diapers. Do we keep them in diapers and not potty train them because they just don't want to use the potty? Bottom line again, and I think Sarah agrees is that 4 and 5 year olds, unless they have a physical or mental disability, should be toilet trained and not allowed to make their own decisions about just staying in diapers.

[toddmdl]

I remember when I was probably four maybe even closer to five I was fully potty trained and I used the toilet at school. I still wore them at night for needs purposes but I thought the pullups were comforting and I would sometimes use them on purpose and dispose them myself. However one day I guess when my mom thought I didn't need them anymore and they were gone. I was upset and I asked for them back but I never got a clear answer of yes or no but they never came back. I was ashamed and I thought something was wrong with me which still lingers. I guess my point is that it is not all black and white. Kids can still require the comfort they get from diapers while still being toilet trained. I don't see why letting them wear at night in the privacy of their home. It's just a phase like thumb sucking or something else and it will pass.

[Baby Brian]

Rusty pins. Sorry but I don't feel like arguing this any more. Sarah_ab had the right idea. We've both said and stuck by what we believe. Any further back & forth at this point will likely be pointless. I too am out.

[h200420012]

not to burst anyones bubble, but a lot of kindergarden age kids who still wear get frown uponed and "labled" by school admin/nurses/counselors

shame, but its true....my mother used to be a nurse

[Nat]

What did they get labeled with?

[mike indiapers]

not to burst anyones bubble, but a lot of kindergarden age kids who still wear get frown uponed and "labled" by school admin/nurses/counselors

shame, but its true....my mother used to be a nurse

I was still in diapers full-time during preschool, which I attended until I was finally potty trained at age 6. My Mom intentionally started me a year late to kindergarten due in part to my delayed toiletting. I remember being treated like both a big kid at times and a toddler while in preschool because I wore diapers. I played with the older kids and was included in learing activities with them, but I was taken to the baby room when it came time to attend to my diapers. This definitely caused a carry over among the other kids and they teased me on a few ocassions because I was still wearing and using my diapers. The teachers were more nice about it, but sometimes weren't very discrete about checking my diapers in front of the other kids. I did feel very different being a diapered older child and I am sure that the preschool teachers felt that way too.

[Nat]

Why were you trained late? Did you have some sort of developmental delay?

[mike indiapers]

Why were you trained late? Did you have some sort of developmental delay?

Sopkane Girl, good questions and let me shed some light on my past and childhood reasons for being kept in diapers so late.

I was potty trained late due to both emotional and physical reasons. My Mom's first attempt to potty train me was just before the birth of my baby brother when I was three years old. I vaguely remember this experience and I was out of diapers for a brief period of time in hopes of only having one child in diapers at a time. We moved across country shortly after the arrival of my brother and the emotional trauma and changes in my life due to a new sibling and move caused me a lot a stress and I started to have accidents. The accidents became frequent and my Mom decided I to return me to diapers feeling it was easier than constant cleanups.

In addition, I had issues with control and was diagnosed years later with irrital bowel syndrome, IBS. This caused me to struggle with my control and led to accidents until I learned to recognize my body signals better and get ahead of my need to go potty. Today, my IBS is controlled mostly by diet, but back then, we didn't know and my Mom thought I was lazy and just not able to control going potty. This contributed to her decision to keep me in diapers the second time as long as she did. I think once she got used to having two kids in diapers, she just continued with it until I got old enough for elementary school. I remember the summer before kindergarten, I was finally potty trained and put into training pants for extended periods of time before moving to big boy undies in time for school.

I started to miss my diapers and the attention they afforded me soon thereafter. I continued having accidents, albeit less frequently, and my Mom would return me to diapers for both precautionary and punitive reasons on occasions. She didn't keep me in them long, but made me wear them to remind me that diapers are for those that can't control going potty. I went back into diapers about a dozen or so times for having accidents and had mixed emotions about it. I loved the sense of security and comfort they gave me, as well as the extra attention, but did not like feeling embarrassed about it.

I hope this explains things and let me know if you have any other questions.

[Craisler]

I can give you a little different perspective about diapering a kid longer than is necessary. Here is what happened to me.

We lived in a trailer at the time. This was the early 1950s and trailers then had no indoor plumbing. I was daytime toilet trained by the time I was 2