A Battle I Thought I Won

[DailyDi]

I spent half my life praying every night that God would take me in the night so I wouldn't have to face another day. Somehow I made it. I thought that battle was over. But it's back and I don't know if I am strong enough to beat it again.

[Guest baby-jessy]

iam here for you hun. i dont care what iam going through, ill set it aside for you and all my friends from now on cause i dont want to be selfish anymore. talk to me whenever and about anything. talk to me on yim even if you still use it. i know your strong and i know you can get through this. were all here for you. contact me.

[attends_99]

We're here for you. You have a lot of friends, admirers and supporters out there. I've been there where I didn't think I could make it another day it feels almost impossible I know but things do get better. Anything I can do to help let me know.

Thank you so much for what you do by providing DD. This place is a godsend. You have helped many, many people realize they are not alone and you are not alone my friend.

[Alice-chan]

I know we dont talk much DailyD but Im sorry for what youre goin through. Im sure I speak for everyone when I say that we're all rooting for you. to quote attends,

"This place is a godsend. You have helped many, many people realize they are not alone and you are not alone my friend."

True words, Captain DD. True words. All of us here on this crazy ship of a website believe in and support you whole-heartedly. *Salute* You can do this Captain! You've gotten over this hump before and you can do it again!

The Angel of Hope,

Alice

[square_duck]

Sorry to hear you have to contend with the darkness again, it could be something seasonal...not to much sun out these days *shrug* Depression seems to run in my family, and I have felt it's shadow....and it isn't fun....and not to be trite or tacky, but the saying "that which doesn't kill us makes us stronger" is very true.

Yo found something to help you work through this before and so now you have that tool to help you get through again. It's wont go away, but with the experience you can handle it better the following time.

Drop me a line if you want, I'll do what I can to help..

Being in the hole isn't fun.....but hopefully it wont last long and you can beat the demons back and teach them a lesson they wont forget

Good luck.

[D_Rainger]

I'm so sorry. It is difficult to understand something unless you are going through it yourself. But, I can sympathize because I go through waves of depression. Recently, I came up with the idea that when I am hurt by someone or things begin to weigh me down and I become depressed I try to think of them as an injury that will stop hurting so bad after a bit (maybe like stubbing your toe) and will eventually heal. Oddly, this has helped me to have hope for tomorrow and has kept me going. Let me express to you that we all need you. I had been gone, but now I have come back. Thanks for still being here.

-DR

[Mischa]

I know exactly what you feel DD I'm the exact same way.

in the last four months I've lost friends, a job, and my chance for a good education.

[Little-Daddy-Toa]

You know everyone here is here for you DD. And no matter what we will listen and we will help the best we can. Just hang in there DD i'll be praying for you.

[Teenbaby96]

Just dont lose faith DD

[Dougie]

Sorry to hear it DD. Try to talk with your parents and let them know how you feel. They may be able to help you a bit.

[Guest lilme]

My thoughts and prayers to you , DailyDi.

~lilme

[Bettypooh]

I spent half my life praying every night that God would take me in the night so I wouldn't have to face another day. Somehow I made it. I thought that battle was over. But it's back and I don't know if I am strong enough to beat it again.

How well I know the feeling And you know I'm here for you if there's anything at all I can do to help

Some of my childhood prayers, in no particular order: To be 'normal'. To be allowed a girl's life. For Mom and Dad to quit fighting. For Dad to stop getting drunk. For my brother to spend more time with me. To gain bladder control. Just a short list of the main stuff

So how did it turn out?

I had to accept that I'll never be 'normal'- and I learned that this is good. I grew up, earned money, and got over what others think I should be so. I live mostly as I wish to. Dad died adter a nasty divorce so the fighting did end but not the way I wanted it to. Ditto Dad's drinking. My brother and I are closer and happy. I'm losing the tenuous bladder control I finally achieved

So what's the score?

Does it matter? I'm not counting. I know prayer works sometimes, but not always and not always the way you want it to so I quit bothering with it. If god gives a crap about me then he knows what to do and will do it without my direct asking. I now concentrate on what I can do I have the power in me to use the knowledge and wisdom I've learned to gain some of the things I want. That which I cannot change was not intended to be changed by me. In the end nothing matters- we're all dead and the best we can hope for is that it won't hurt badly or for long.

So now what- where to from here?

I live daily doing what I can to make this a better world for everyone including me. I lead by example hoping to get the same in return. I am acutely aware that god doesn't like me and my blunt honesty with him at all, thus I never pray for anything for me, I only ask for good things to happen for others. I deal with depression regularly and know it's like my skin: it's always going to be here with me and I can't escape it- all I can do is be aware of it and take care of it for my own good. With the bad things I have hanging over me daily it would seem that I should just give up but I won't. There are still good things I can do to make this a better world and I'm going to keep at them as long as I can I believe that our purpose on this blue planet is to help each other become better and happier people whether through a targeted directness or as a general principle and that aim is beyond our knowledge and control. The help I give others helps me- it shows me that I have a value and place nobody else does and that it is all for the good. That give me the hope I need to face each day, never knowing if it will be another day of injustice or hate aimed my way, or knowing whether today will end in the hospital hearing that the cancers I dance with are ending my life in a most painful way or that the things I care about most have been stripped away from me.

I go on because I am supposed to-I know I am supposed to- even if I don't know why So if I'm going to be here then I'm going to do what I can to be happy. I'm not going to take on more of other people's problems than I can handle, for part of all this is me and I deserve what I want others to have- happiness With a bit of luck I get enough to get by

Bettypooh

[redneck diaper boy]

Don't go throughout life being miserable!

Whatever it is that is bothering you it is not worth your life! Slow down and chill out!

I made the mistake of trying to be superman and hurt myself badly. Now I am all but disabled for doing what I thought was right. By the grace if God, I still am able to work and get a paycheck but I am nowhere near what I once was.

Years ago I went through a nasty divorce and felt the same way too. (The bitch made an issue of my incontinence in court just to hurt me) I told my doctor about it and he put me on antidepressants for a while. After several months, I got off of the head drugs and went back to living life.

Keep your head up. Whatever it is that is bothering you, I pray it is only temporary.

[fideliuscharm]

You are strong! posting about it proves it, pick your battles, borrow strength from those who are willing to share, its an investment in your friendships.

[curiositykilledthecat]

We're here for you DailyDi. I've spent a many nights staring at the ceiling wishing it would all fade to black. If you need to vent, talk or just whatever you can pull on me.

[TheMagicDragon]

Mike, you have made more genuine friends here than most people ever meet other people in a lifetime. The nature of internet communications is virtual, but we are more than than here. All the realt-time in-person friends that I've made from my munch group efforts stem from you work here at DD. You have the finest AB/DL website in the world. None of us can stop being the way we are. All of us need to find each other, its finally happening in historical terms and DD is such a miracle in this respect - sometimes its all too damn large for us to comprehend. The older ones kinda do. Basically "our family" here at DD would not have happened if you had not put in all the blood, sweat and tears to build and maintain DailyDiapers and I know this is not your only baby. It impresses the shit out of me constantly!

I hope to meet you at some point if you're willing. You are a brother to me, long lost but hopefully not for always. Hearing of your pain makes me feel sad indeed - but I'd rather hear about it than not hear about it. I care!

More than that, we all do care! We love you man. Maybe this will help overcome any feelings of despair? We hope you feel better asap.

glenn c in NJ

[curiositykilledthecat]

This song brings me to tears at times as it speaks on how I have felt about this world many times. Stay strong bro, we all have or moments of insanity and we need to just keep our heads above water. Hell This past year has been one of the worst in a decade, unemployment, health, stress and discovering that I might not be who I thought I was. Life can throw many curve balls, just learn to be patient and swing at the right pitch.

[Mischa]

I'm swinging back and forth between wanting to let my depression consume me and a fear of facing life even more alone than I am now.

I'm lost beyond lost.