When To Tell In A Relationship?

[spark]

I'm at the very beginning stage of a relationship, that hopefully will turn into a serious long term relationship. To use my new favorite word, we are still at the vetting stage of our relationship, and getting to know each other, but it looks like we are pretty compatible (1+ month and we are still excited when we get a phone call from each other).

Anyway, I know there is a time and place to come clean with my desire, which is definitely not yet. However, I also don't want to avoid it all together (being Californian, I can avoid the undesirable for ever- with dire consequences).

My question is: When is a good time to come clean.

This isn't something I would spring on somebody the first date (obviously), but I also don't think it would be a good idea to say it on our honeymoon either.

[loopy]

I think you have to tell when you realise that the relationship is looking like its going to be a long term one. I'd say on average about 3 months, but only you can really tell when its the right time.

[Frogboy]

Whilst there is such a thing as "too early" in a relationship for these kinds of revelations... You also need to consider the fact that the longer you leave it, the more you potentially have to lose and the more damage it will do.

But then who am I to talk... It took me nearly 2 years!

Froggie

[Marshmallow]

it took me 2 years to tell my gf, although i wish i had done it sooner! (becuase shes fine with it and loves me even more than before i told her)

i wouldnt tell her gf on the first date (but some people decide this is the best way)

i would tell them BEFORE we got too serious, for example, moving in together,

people develop their own relations at different speeds, for example, some couples meet and are living together after 2-3 months, me and my gf have only just started talking about living together after 2 years!

so depending on your relationship i think the time could vary.

i told my gf when i thought it was the right time, when we loved each other (enough that i thought she might understand) but when we wasnt to envolved that we was living together/had children/married etc.

i'd suggest always tell them before you get live together, get married or have children of your own. i think this would be too far and a bad reaction would wreck everything, espically if children are envoled in the relationship, they might suffer the most from a break-up.

sorry 4 long post!, hope that helps!

[RMS401]

Okay, I'll be the fly in the ointment here. I think now is actually the right time to tell her. I know you don't want to because you're afraid that you'll lose her, but your attachment to each other is only going to get stronger, not weaker, over the coming months. I'd much rather lose someone with whom I was beginning to fall in love than someone who had already become the center of my world. That would suck on both sides.

For the purposes of these kinds of revelations, I'd say you're far enough through the vetting process to find out if cares enough about you to look past this one little idiosyncrasy and love you for who you are. Or, even better, if she accepts you completely, diapers and all.

-RMS

[Bettypooh]

I think you have to tell when you realise that the relationship is looking like its going to be a long term one. I'd say on average about 3 months, but only you can really tell when its the right time.

Top Rated Answer There are too many variables to give a number, but you should always remember that you're not the only one whose feelings are involved here Seek a timeframe as opposed to a given time, then when that door opens wait for the right mood to go along with it. By that point in a LTR you should know your S.O.'s moods well enough to know when not to bring it up. If they are open to this, don't overdo it but don't lie either. One of my 'fave phrases' is "Right now...." or "As things stand...."- this allows for changes later on because often time does change us Don't lock yourself into things by saying "never" or "always" unless you are absolutely positive about it.

If things don't go well try to let them off the hook easy as you distance yourself towards the next hope. If you just coldly dump them they are more likely to blab based on their feeling they were scammed or used by you If things go well (and we hope they do) this might be a great time to cover any other 'eccentricities' you may have Just don't overwhelm them; to many people this is a very big thing to think about all by itself when considering a lifetime with the person they're sitting next to, and after a day or two they may think or feel differently. And unless their response was overwhelmingly in your favor, start your actions slowly and build up to where you want to go over time. That way is a whole lot easier for anyone to handle than just going from someone they thought they knew to a totally alien creature overnight

These thoughts are based on what I know from TG's and crossdressers who went through a similar phase in their relationships. All of the ones who went to full-scale with their actions instantly after telling wound up alone in the end Most of those who treaded lightly found a happy medium of compromise and the relationships endure A few found their S.O. closing the door awhile later as they discovered they really didn't want anyone that unusual after all That can really hurt, but it's possible so don't discount the possibility- it can happen to you. That's why you are the only one who can know when to tell, what to say, and how to say it. All we can really do is offer anecdotal advice that may not apply to you- but we can all wish you the best of luck, and we do

Bettypooh

[Guest little_jonny]

when we were together i was going to tell my now ex-gf. i had my chance severl times. we went down for a trip to TN and that was a good 6 hour drive but i back down. and when i found out that she was only linking me as a friend, i was glade that i didnt tell her. cause she worked with me and a season job and i know some of the people for a few years there. so i bet if i did tell her she would of told everyone, even my parents or her parents and friends

[d_drew12]

I really wouldn't be so anxious to tell her right away. Let some things settle in before you open the door. Many of us ab/dl types here for some reason have this burning desire to tell people and especially those close to us. I can't tell you why this is but have some self control and don't just open the flood gates until there's an actual need to and you'll know when you "need to" at a point in your relationship. I'm sure many other friends, family, partners have a dirty secret, fetish or something they hide they'd like to reveal at times to but it doesn't all have to come out until it needs to. Not telling you to hide under the rug here with her but I gave some pointers on a last post I'll post here.

A few things to keep in mind.

-What will you gain by telling people, really, no really, weight it out over how this will really make life all better by getting that out there.

-If you must tell someone, make sure it's really worth it and it will benefit you in your life, remember you can't unring a bell.

-After a while, maybe years and years, it won't seem so important to tell the world your desires.

-Would you really want to know everyone elses desires? Really think about that one before you go shouting off roof tops about your own.

-Getting one thing off your chest may pile a whole new load on your shoulders.

-At times it's nice to have something that's private to only you and your partner. Somethings left in the bedroom/home are better kept there and again, is your dirty little secret.

Make it your dirty little secret with your partner when YOU feel the time is right. Really, nobody here's going to know when that is for you but we can offer up some pointers and advise. Don't put a time frame on it. I'm laughing at the post of people saying do it soon but not too late, sooners better then later, etc. Well hell, with that, you might as well tell her on the first date then, put the cards on the table. Truth of the matter is, it'll hurt if she rejects you either way. To me, build the foundation first and if things are going well, you'll know if she'll be okay or tolerant of it because with the solid foundation, revealing yourself won't crumble what you already have. It may make a chip in it but if it comes down like a house of cards, there probably wasn't a good foundation there to begin with. You should also know without revealing it entirely if she won't here of it if you know her well enough. If that's the case, you have a chance to exit the relationship if it's a deal breaker for you. Either way in the last situation you'll have to choose her or the diapers. Weight it out. If you find you can't end the relationship, maybe that's what's really more important to you. You can't always have your cake and eat it too with every girl. You'll be giving up something either way in this situation.

[TDL]

Right after you've had sex. This way, she'll know that it IS sex related, and possibly be good about it. That, or you could randomly say it when you're discussing something sex/fetish related with her, i.e. ask her what fetishes she's into, before rambling about your own.

[AutieAB]

There isn't a set in stone time, of course but if I had to boil it down to something simple, I say:

As soon as you feel like you can trust her.

Simple as that. Any sooner and you risk problems if she freaks and blabs your secret, later and you risk the possibility of being accused of hiding a secret. Further, if it doesn't go well and turns out to be a relationship killer (not saying it will be but is has happened) then you need to know that before you get too much invested in the relationship, for your own sanity.

I told my wife after just a couple of weeks. It was hard, I felt terribly exposed but I was accepted (if not understood ). It was a (very) long-distance relationship at that point so the conversation happened by email, which made it easier but the point is, as soon as I knew I could trust her with my secrets, I knew it was time to fess up. I damaged a previous relationship by side-stepping the issue and not coming clean when I should have and knew that could be prevented from happening again by being upfront and honest at the earliest suitable opportunity.

[night0wl]

you could randomly say it when you're discussing something sex/fetish related with her, i.e. ask her what fetishes she's into, before rambling about your own.

I find that this technique works best if you mention it as a third person experience. Saying something like "I saw this TV show where this guy dressed as a baby and wore a nappy" allows you much more flexibility then talking about your own sexual fetishes/fantasies. If you phrase it as something that doesn't really concern you but you found odd or amusing then the focus is not on yourself. Other people will inevitably offer their opinions and be candid about it. This way you get to hear what people think without putting yourself out there.

I did exactly this once with a group, and most people laughed thinking it a joke. This one girl acted totally disgusted though and had a go at me for even mentioning something so vile Luckily for me I didn't even like that girl to start with. Had it been a girlfriend though, I would have known that telling her would have a) ended the relationship and b ) been used as slander. So I would have kept quiet and ended the relationship some other way instead

Discussing sexual fetishes and fantasies with a lover, however, is a perfect moment to say it with something in your defence (as oppossed to just coming out with it out of the blue).

[Yvhuce]

I'd say that I'd probly mention this on or before the actual first date... This's a part of my life, and if anyone can't handle that, I'm fully prepared to cut them out of my life if I need to... Of course, I'm kina old fashion in the relationship department. "No sex before marrage" and all that... If I do find my someone, the intention is that it's going to possibly be a life-long relationship. I'd much rather derail that from the beginning than to invest myself in someone and have them hurt me later... But, then again... I'm kinda weird... Even my psychological tests (I'm working on overcoming social anxiety) have some of the shrinks scratching their heads...

[pampers08]

Okay,I see how many(even me) seem to wonder only the reaction that our S'O will have if/when we tell them i do agree with most you should tell them before you get to serious(i.e moving in marriage children)But imo if i was the one being told i would rather be told right off the bat(and this is probably just me)its easier and you can decide whether its important and a lot lot lot easier to move on if things don't go well.One thing i have learned is dont just randomly when your alone blurt out "HEY I LIKE TO WEAR DIAPERS" this is not the way to do it do it with the upmost seriousnessm,be kind about it listen to what he/she has to say and talk it out together you never know things may work out for you and like most people on this board dont shuve it on him/her all at once

Sorry i can't write worth anything in the world i hope i made a bit of sense.

[enfant]

One thing you could do, if you want to be open with your SO but are nervous about being too open too fast, is to let him or her know that you have a kink, but it's kind of embarrassing and you'd rather not share the details right now. Then, of course, you continue to be a totally fabulous boyfriend or girlfriend, and he or she gets to know you better and better, and wonders about the mysterious fetish, but can see that you're awesome, and so when you do finally tell, it won't be a shock or alter their perceptions of you that much.

The main thing is to be positive. That's the mistake I made (which fortunately worked out okay for me anyway)... I was so ashamed of my kink when I told my fiancee, I acted like it was a terrible thing I was confessing, and she was like, "...I don't see the problem with this, but there must be one, or why would he be acting this way?" Act like it's fun and nothing to be ashamed of, and there's a better chance your partner will see it the same way, especially if you already know he or she is playful and openminded (and, why in the world would you be dating someone who wasn't?).

[d_drew12]

If this is a sexual thing for the op then do you all suggest telling the person your dating every kink or fetish you're into off the bat or soon into the relationship? Aside from diapers say cross dressing, pegging, scat, choking, beastiality, fisting, whips, etc. too???? I don't see why you'd have to tell you dates all of your dirty fetishs and kinks so soon really. I may like seeing some of these things on the net and fantisize about doing some but that's the end of the road on that. Maybe bring it up once you're sexual and bring it out as a kink/fetish then.

[Opie]

No one can give you the answer you're looking for. I'll just share my story and you think if it works for you.

I had a cross country relationship with a lady. We would fly every four months or so to see each other for a year and a half. We were talking about moving in with each other. I decided to take a flight up to see her and in a private setting, I told her my two secrets. One, I'm a diaper lover. It's occassionally sexual for me, but mostly conveninece. And two was about my love for pegging. I told her these have been a part of me for a long time and it wasn't going to change. I would not push her into acceptance and will keep it low key and out of site unless she wanted to take it further. She accepted the pegging part with participation, but the diapers she's ok with, as long as she's not around.

It's really up to how you read the situation on how you should proceed. Good luck.

[sarah_ab]

3 months, 7 days and 9 1/2 hours into the relationship is when you should tell her.

[curiositykilledthecat]

3 months, 7 days and 9 1/2 hours into the relationship is when you should tell her.

or just date off an fetish site and avoid the headache.

[dl247]

I think you have waited to long! When I was dating I would go out one time, and if I liked the girl then I would tell her on the phone (phone makes it very easy for her not to see you again if she has issues) before the second date.

Please listen to me as I have dated more than my fair share, and I quickly learned that women respond better if you are "up front".

Allow me to explain my method. If the first date went well, then when I called her before the second date I would tell her "that there is something she needs to know", and as most people do she will instantly think you are going to tell her something bad.

That is when I simply say " that I have issues with my shut-off valve and leak urine due to my motorcyle accident". I have only had one woman that had any issues with it (but we were still inimate for awhile, so I think it was an excuse).

But guys PLEASE understand as soon as you tell them then most will see you as relationship material, and that can be bad. I had one girl, I mean woman that just because I told her she instantly was like "I can't believe you like me enough to share that with me", and I actaully just wanted to let her know before we were intimate.

I have found over the years to be confident and treat it like it is no big deal, then usually they will as well, but if you act ashamed then so will they.

And ALWAYS shower 2-3 times a day, and remember the saying "just because you work like a dog doesn't mean you have to smell like one" and that applies to those of us that wear diapers!!!

[loopy]

Dl247, I think your situation is a little different, being incontinant instead of plain weird like most of us guys . I think most decent women would at least not freak out over incontinance, whilst saying "I like acting like a 2 year old, and wearing nappies" will make most run a mile after the first date....

[Horndog]

This thread is very awkward.

Once you feel comfortable with someone you love, it's best to lay the facts down carefully instead of saying, "Hey babe! I like crapping my pants!" Going through some ordeal over it will send signals that you're very insecure. Think of it this way: everyone has a kink. You're not the only one.