Your Thoughts.

[BriGuy]

There are those of us who are content with wearing all of the time, they can't get enough or don't have a choice. For those of us who aren't that way we seem to fall a binge and purge cycle. Where we can't get enough, then can't get far enough away. So, for those of you who don't wear all of the time, or loose interest; what do you feel when you don't want to wear. Is it a self loathing, hatred, self embarrassment, or just a loss of interest?

I seem to be torn right now, less interested in these things. Not that I am purging everything away from me right now. I just don't want to wear. I know it will come back and I will have these feelings of can't getting enough. I swear its hell on my psyche. I have come to accept this part of who I am, I don't throw things away, I don't hate myself. I just can't seem to get rid of the cycle. Ducky's post made me think of this. Anyway, a penny for your thoughts; anyone?

~Brian

[BabyLex]

So, for those of you who don't wear all of the time, or loose interest; what do you feel when you don't want to wear. Is it a self loathing, hatred, self embarrassment, or just a lost of interest?

Anyway, a penny for your thoughts; anyone?

~Brian

Here's a summary of some of my thoughts on the subject here.

Hope this helps,

--Lex

[Aleia]

I typically wear in sessions lasting no longer than an hour or two in my bedroom. I rarely go around the house unless no one's home--I want total privacy while diapered. During a "binge" period, I'll have these sessions on an almost daily and nightly basis, and I'll get urges try new diapers or baby items, and I'll consequently find myself spending haphazardly.

During my "purge" periods, I still think about diapers on a daily basis, but I don't feel a particularly strong urge to buy them or put one on. It feels like I've stepped out of a fog, and I can finally see the whole thing as embarrassingly childish. I feel like a pervert, realizing while my friends have been exploring meaningful relationships with human beings, I've been alone in my room getting off in diapers. I won't stay young and ripe forever. Sometimes I'll get angry at myself for all the money I've apparently wasted on this fetish. I get irritated when I go on eBay and find the recommendations full of diapers and AB items--it almost feels like a personal affront, like these people think I'm made of diapers and nothing else. Other AB/DLs tend to get on my nerves while I'm purging. Typical AB/DL rants seem superficial, even stupid, despite the fact I probably gave the same rants weeks ago. The obvious answer to everyone's problems seems to be, "why not just get rid of the diapers and do something wholesome and meaningful?" It's like everyone's blindfolded by the notion that their diapers are there to stay whether they take any joy from them or not--a dogmatic notion no one cares to question. I'll come here out of boredom, and I'll find myself wanting to grab people by the shoulders, shake them and scream, "WHY HAVEN'T YOU GOTTEN A F*CKING LIFE YET?" I see all the banner ads for photos of men and women in diapers--the likes of which I perhaps only recently considered posing for--and think, "what insipid, insulting garbage."

At the same time, I know this fetish isn't going to just fade away--it started in early childhood. If I want to get rid of it, I'm going to have to work, not just declare rebellion.

[Pipsqueak]

I think the binge/purge cycle is something that many go through in the earlier stages before they reach the point of accepting that this is just part of who they are and it's okay. Once you reach a certain point you stop throwing away all the diapers and baby supplies and stop feeling the self-loathing.

The cycle itself, however, is another thing entirely - at least for me. When I don't want to wear it's because I'm just not interested at the moment. I can go for months not wearing and not really caring that I'm not wearing. When it hits, I want to wear and can't get enough of it. Then it wanes again. Kind of like an ocean tide. I have noticed that the older I get and the more comfortable I am about this part of me, the less of a definite cycle there is. More often I choose to wear once in awhile just for fun rather then wait till it grabs me by the throat, which it doesn't do so much anymore. I think it might also correspond a bit to the idea of too much of something all at once gets boring and you have to drop it for awhile.

[belinda_sue_fox]

i'm thinking i want that penny in advance.

[Crinklebritches]

The cycle itself, however, is another thing entirely - at least for me. When I don't want to wear it's because I'm just not interested at the moment. I can go for months not wearing and not really caring that I'm not wearing. When it hits, I want to wear and can't get enough of it. Then it wanes again. Kind of like an ocean tide. I have noticed that the older I get and the more comfortable I am about this part of me, the less of a definite cycle there is. More often I choose to wear once in awhile just for fun rather then wait till it grabs me by the throat, which it doesn't do so much anymore. I think it might also correspond a bit to the idea of too much of something all at once gets boring and you have to drop it for awhile.

I have also found that the older I get the less of a definite cycle there is. It doesn't tear me up as much as it used to when I was younger about going through the cycle. Now I am kinda on the casual side of things and don't beat myself up that I love to be in diapers. I wear diapers almost all the time on weekends now, it is such a relief to accept the person who I am and not worry if I am psycho for wanting to wear diapers and AB play. I enjoy going out in public now wearing a diaper under my clothes, but lack the friendship with someone into the same. That's mostly my fault though, cause I still tend to chicken out when those opportunities present themselves.

HFID (Have Fun In Diapers)

[toddmdl]

I've gone through the binge and purge cycle so many times since I was nine. There have been so many times when I'm ashamed this way and I'm thinking what am I doing? The thoughts and desires never go away though. I'm trying to learn to accept it completely as who I am but the frustration of society's stigma is still there. Overall though I like the fetish and I'm still trying to learn to accept it but the binge and purge cycle is still there. I'd like to wear fulltime also but that isn't feasible right now since I don't want to take a chance that my friends will find out.

[tenderheart]

Personally I have gone long periods without actually wearing (8 months or so) but I found that the urges would just build to a point where I felt I had to wear again and then it was a daily thing for a while. Now, I accept that I am a fetishist and that is a part of me that will not fade as much as I may like it to. This is not the fetish that I would've chosen for myself honestly and it has made me feel like a pervert when I'm in a purge cycle. But I had to come to terms with my desires and once I had considered being a AB/DL it really is a harmless thing to do. Also, if you look at it from an outside perspective it's quite funny. I really do enjoy diapers and roleplaying with toys, clothes etc. But it's taken me quite some time to enjoy these things without guilt afterwards. My major problem now is not with self hatred but rather a fear of being alone because of these desires that I have.

[spark]

As I've gotten older I've come to accept diapers as just something I enjoy and the cycles have grown less intense. I tend to wear them more often, but it isn't something that I run home thinking "Man, I've got to get a diaper on."

Ofcourse a big reason is that if I want to wear a diaper now, I just wear one (especially now that I live by myself). I probably sleep in a diaper more than 90% of the time, so that may be a big reason that I don't go through huge cycles right now.

Ironically, the longest time I've spent without diapers in the last few years (since I turned 30) is the time that I was in a serious relationship. While I was in the relationship I had very limited desire to wear a diaper (it was still there, but kind of like the same desire to win the lotery, or suddenly become a PGA golfer- not anything that was actual dominating my life). However, once we split up the desire hit very strongly and I had to go to Walmart to get some diapers (I had thrown them out).

[sarah_ab]

i dunno... i just wear when i want to wear and dont wear when i dont want to.

Seriously, there is so much emphasis put on "oh my gosh why dont i want to wear a diaper? but i like diapers so why dont i want to wear one???" because you just aren't in the mood.

Like sex, or masturbation, for the most part, people have times when they want to get off, and other times when they dont.

Or maybe like craving your favourite food, sometimes you just really want chinese, and then other times you just can't even stand the thought of it.

Or like a certain pair of shoes, sometimes you want to wear them all the time, and then there are days when you just want to try something else.

Seriously, start paying attention to all the other things in life you engage in in cycles, and you are going to realize diapers are just one more thing sometimes you are in hte mood for and sometimes you are.

I love movies, but that doesn't mean i want to watch a movie every single night for ever and ever.

I love family guy, but there are some nights when i just dont want to watch it.

I used to watch spongebob every day before we went to work, now not so much. Do i freak out and thing "Oh my god but i love spongebob whats wrong with me that i dont want to watch it?" course not.. i just find something else to do instead.

You like wearing diapers. It doesn't mean you have to want to wear them all the time, and it doesn't mean you haven't accepted yourself.

Instead of spending all your time wondering why am i not wanting to wear diapers, just do something else that you DO want to do.

Just myinsight.. and when i say you, i'm not talking about any particular person, i mean you in the third person plural type sense.. you as in anyone....

[BriGuy]

Interesting hearing everybody's thoughts on this subject. I agree with you Sarah, it is just like anything else in life. Sometimes there is interest and sometimes there isn't any. I suppose since it is a fetish for many that the cycles are more noticeable because it has extreme feelings associated with it. Like you I watch TV and movies; however, it is not something that is a big part of my life. I personally feel that my AB side is a pretty big part of my life. I also agree with Alea. I get an external look at myself and feel really stupid. When I look at the pictures of me in my shortalls in San Diego, I feel a twinge of creep. I gotta ask myself, "what must people be thinking of me." Granted some cheered and some were supportive but I donno. When I get an external look at myself I feel odd.

Like I said earlier, I accept who I am and I am ok with this side of me, but maybe the guilt or oddity of it all hasn't quite left me yet. I gotta wonder for my wife's sake how odd it must be to be married to someone who likes to act a baby from time to time. *shrug* Life makes a person think, guess why that's why its fun?

~Brian

[Sophie ♥]

I'll be honest, i by no means read through all of the posts above me... but i have a few points to make.

Currently i haven't been using my diapers (aside from bedtime when they're almost necessary), and i haven't fantasized a lot about baby stuff, and even with Mommy i'm more "big kid" like. I dont know if i'm in one of those depressive states where the lifestyle doesn't apply to me or if i'm just not in the mood like Sarah said, or what it is... but there are a few odd things i'd like to point out.

Even if i do go through one of these "purge" stages... which i can't exactly varify if i do or do not... i always manage to find a moment of each day to get on DailyDiapers and post. And also throughout my posts, i dont act any different than i usually do. I'm not sure if that's because on the web i'm commonly a mixture between my baby side and my grown up side anyway, or if it's some other factor.

Anyway, the second main thing... recently i haven't been that "into" the baby stuff, and instead i've been trying to bond with Mommy in more adult ways (not sexual... just like attending more social events, hanging out with friends instead of being alone...). I am not sure if that's a result of me not wanting to be a baby... getting out of the house will prevent me from being a baby. Or if it's the reason i'm slowing down on the baby stuff... like we focus on it too much and i want to be her boyfriend as well.

Well those are just some key points about my life right now. However, i really would like to know when i go back to my binge stage. I sort of miss it.

-Sophie

[sarah_ab]

sophie, its sounds like maybe you are trying to just have a more well rounded relationship with your mommy.

My boyfriend is also my daddy, but we can't be daddy/baby all the time or he would get bored and so would i. We are afterall both adults with adult interests and desires. We like to go out to the bar, to shows, to museums, to movies, all the things that ifi were in baby mode i either could not do, or he would not be able to enjoy because he would have to be 'looking after' me.

I think its good that you are spending time with your mommy just hanging out and getting to know one another as two adults, seeing if there is more to the relationship than just the ab stuff.

Good luck!!!! and Have fun!

[Sophie ♥]

I know but it's hard to get me back into a baby mood nowadays... i dont want that. I understand the importance of being a big kid at times with Mommy, and i dont like it going to her head that she's always the Mommy... but i still want to be her baby sometimes and recently it's not like that's been happening.

-Sophie

[quabbaby]

There are those of us who are content with wearing all of the time, they can't get enough or don't have a choice. For those of us who aren't that way we seem to fall a binge and purge cycle. Where we can't get enough, then can't get far enough away. So, for those of you who don't wear all of the time, or loose interest; what do you feel when you don't want to wear. Is it a self loathing, hatred, self embarrassment, or just a loss of interest?

I seem to be torn right now, less interested in these things. Not that I am purging everything away from me right now. I just don't want to wear. I know it will come back and I will have these feelings of can't getting enough. I swear its hell on my psyche. I have come to accept this part of who I am, I don't throw things away, I don't hate myself. I just can't seem to get rid of the cycle. Ducky's post made me think of this. Anyway, a penny for your thoughts; anyone?

~Brian

[/quote

Hello Briguy, I can surely identify 100% with you on the binge and puge cycle. Before I found the AB/DL communities out here I did'nt understand myself or why I had the OVERWHELMING NEED AND LOVE to wear diapers. So when my needy desire arose, I would satisfy that needy desire at that moment or cylce, for whatever time it was for, and then purge for that time until it hit me again. Having terrible feelings of inadaquacy, weirdness, and the TERRIBLE feelings of aloneness and shame with this (God forbid anyone finding out !!!!) I would purge it as much as possible and keep it a grave secret. NOW, knowing that I'm apart of a very very large and ever growing community, I've been able to become at peace with my discovered " inner child ". Just knowing that we're in noway differant or alone with our great love and desire to wear diapers allows me to be comfortable to wear whenever I want, and where ever I want and feel no shame, guilt, or embarrasment to ever feel the need to purge anymore which in a way is like trying to deny or run away from who and what you are, a human being thats in touch with his inner child. Someone told me once a long time ago, REMEMBER !!! GOD DOES'NT MAKE JUNK !!!!! We're all differant in our own ways yet we're the same in a big respect. I've really tried to express myself here in the best way that I can. Self expression is something that I'm still working on Hope I was of some help, God bless Quabbaby

[quabbaby]

i dunno... i just wear when i want to wear and dont wear when i dont want to.

Seriously, there is so much emphasis put on "oh my gosh why dont i want to wear a diaper? but i like diapers so why dont i want to wear one???" because you just aren't in the mood.

Like sex, or masturbation, for the most part, people have times when they want to get off, and other times when they dont.

Or maybe like craving your favourite food, sometimes you just really want chinese, and then other times you just can't even stand the thought of it.

Or like a certain pair of shoes, sometimes you want to wear them all the time, and then there are days when you just want to try something else.

Seriously, start paying attention to all the other things in life you engage in in cycles, and you are going to realize diapers are just one more thing sometimes you are in hte mood for and sometimes you are.

I love movies, but that doesn't mean i want to watch a movie every single night for ever and ever.

I love family guy, but there are some nights when i just dont want to watch it.

I used to watch spongebob every day before we went to work, now not so much. Do i freak out and thing "Oh my god but i love spongebob whats wrong with me that i dont want to watch it?" course not.. i just find something else to do instead.

You like wearing diapers. It doesn't mean you have to want to wear them all the time, and it doesn't mean you haven't accepted yourself.

Instead of spending all your time wondering why am i not wanting to wear diapers, just do something else that you DO want to do.

Just myinsight.. and when i say you, i'm not talking about any particular person, i mean you in the third person plural type sense.. you as in anyone....

AWESOME SARAH, you explained it WONDERFULLY "cheers"

[dandelion]

This discussion is interesting, and it's something I tend to think about a fair bit. I'm one of those people who goes through a cycle like the one you mentioned. During a period of high interest, I end up thinking a lot about diapers. The first time I ever had this urge, I was lying in bed and was seriously considering wetting intentionally because I thought it might get me put into diapers. I ended up not doing it, but then making a "diaper" out of a towel to see what it felt like to use one. When I'm in one of these periods I take more risks involving diapers, such as buying them for the first time or wearing one to classes. These periods usually last around two weeks or so, and then my interest wanes gradually until I enter the other half of the cycle.

When I am in a period where I'm not interested, my feelings have a range between disinterest and disgust, in myself and the lifestyle in general. Most often, when I'm in this period I find pretty much everything about adults wearing diapers repugnant; I do whatever it takes to just put it out of my head and avoid all contact with diapers or anything related. A few years ago, when I was in a period like that as a freshman in college, I tried to "force" it as an experiment. I had diapers buried deep underneath my bed and decided that I would put one on regardless of whether the desire was there or not. When I found the privacy to do this, I ended up being pretty disgusted with the whole situation. The image of myself wearing a diaper looked ugly and wrong, and I immediately took it off. These periods will often last months, during which I'll not wear or even think about wearing a diaper at all. Then, after months of not even thinking about it, something will catch my eye or pop into my head and then I start thinking about diapers again. I might be looking for shampoo in a CVS and the incontinence products catch my eye and I won't be able to stop thinking about them.

This whole cycle is different for me than simply being bored of something I like; it only happens with things in my life that I'd consider fetishes. With my hobbies, if I get bored I will usually regain interest after a week off at max, but it's typically as short as a couple days. I'm not exactly sure what the difference is, but I suspect it has something to do with how acceptable I view diapers as compared to things like exercising and watching movies.

[SS84onwards]

I only wear a nappy for a few hours a month, sometimes twice a month if the need for comfort is very strong. When I'm not wearing, it feels unusual to not be wearing. But there's never a cycle, just a case of how badly the comfort is needed.

-Bliss is a cloth nappy and a good book.

[Necare]

For me it has never been a matter of binge and purge cycles. Binging would be far too hard on my meager budget, and purging would frankly be self-deluding. No, it`s more a matter of having daily and brief moments of baby-play, enjoying it immensely, then as soon as it is finished, I absolutely hate it. I feel embarrassed, shameful, disgusted with myself. The painful awareness of being an infantilist is a constant, and for me it`s the equivalent of picking off flower petals while alternately saying "Now I love it" and "Now I don`t." And it`s dead tiring. I know, life is not meant to be a walk in the park, but honestly, I would trade in this fetish for cancer anyday.

[PamperedinthePoconos]

I'm one of those who now fall in the group of not having the choice, but before then yes I did go thru the binge and purge cycle, feeling guilt and such. But now days it's not the diapers but the AB side of me (I'd say I'm only about 5% AB). I don't throw my 'stuff' out, but rather just box it up and store it in closet. It may stay there for a week or a month then all of a sudden I get that feeling that I just gotta' play; I can't really say what brings on these feelings.

[Three Rivers]

I think the binge/purge cycle is something that many go through in the earlier stages before they reach the point of accepting that this is just part of who they are and it's okay. Once you reach a certain point you stop throwing away all the diapers and baby supplies and stop feeling the self-loathing.

The cycle itself, however, is another thing entirely - at least for me. When I don't want to wear it's because I'm just not interested at the moment. I can go for months not wearing and not really caring that I'm not wearing. When it hits, I want to wear and can't get enough of it. Then it wanes again. Kind of like an ocean tide. I have noticed that the older I get and the more comfortable I am about this part of me, the less of a definite cycle there is. More often I choose to wear once in awhile just for fun rather then wait till it grabs me by the throat, which it doesn't do so much anymore. I think it might also correspond a bit to the idea of too much of something all at once gets boring and you have to drop it for awhile.

I agree the older you get it seems to be a non issue, likewise I can go for days or weeks with no desire to wear. It's always there somewhere in the back of my mind. But it's kinda of like a hobby to me. You don't have to engage in it everyday. But when the urge hits, I can't get enough.

[babykatie1]

I am very glad the cycles aren't as bad any more. When i first started, i threw a bunch of stuff away every time. I think the cycles are shallowing with age. Certain things, like wearing dresses, are much less frequent. But I always want my teddy bear, pacifier, and blanky. I agree with most of the posts above as well.

[Baby Bethany]

I think most of us have experienced the old purge cycle routine, and yeah I've also put all of my female/baby stuff in the rubbish a few times. In my experience there are actually three different types of purge cycle though, they are:

Sex Purge (this is only for people that are aroused by diapers)

If you over indulge on anything you get a bit bored with it. For instance I love ice cream, but if I had it every night I would go off of it. A sexual fetish is no different. I've found that (paticularly in your youth) you can binge on a sexual fetish, usualy resulting in one almighty orgasm, after which you no longer want the fetish item. Trouble is this only lasts until you next feel horny, and if you have disposed of all your stuff you will be out buying more. (Moral: Don't dump your stuff after that orgasm, you'll regret it.)

Guilt Purge (haven't we all been here?)

The guilt purge is caused by two things, guilt and fear. Guilt that you are a freak and should get a life instead of wearing a diaper for fun, or that you are letting down your loved ones by keeping a secret from them. Fear that you will get found out, or that you will never find an accepting partner. (Moral: Don't feel guilty about liking diapers, it's just what you like. But don't let it control you either, you control it. You stand a better chance of finding an accepting partner if you are comfortable with yourself. If you don't accept that you like diapers, why should anyone else?)

Old Timer Purge (for people over 25)

This is not so much a true purge, but just becoming a bit bored with it from time to time and indulging in other things instead. I call it the old timer purge because you just never seem to get bored with it when you're 18, lol. (Moral: It comes to us all.)

As for me, I don't purge now, probably because I don't binge either. On average I play baby games about twice a week, with the odd pullup under my jeans or sleeper in bed (with no diaper) in between.

Beth

[diaperpt]

Old Timer Purge (for people over 25)

This is not so much a true purge, but just becoming a bit bored with it from time to time and indulging in other things instead. I call it the old timer purge because you just never seem to get bored with it when you're 18, lol. (Moral: It comes to us all.)

As for me, I don't purge now, probably because I don't binge either. On average I play baby games about twice a week, with the odd pullup under my jeans or sleeper in bed (with no diaper) in between.

Beth

Hi Beth,

Haha...when you said 'Old Timer Purge' something else came to my mind...well, then...I am a shade past 25...and I've been through at least some of those binge and purge cycles. Since I'm really, really old, I even have the fear of dieing or become incapacitated to the point where I couldn't get at my 'stash' of diapers etc to get rid of them. The real serious downside of having family that just wouldn't understand or accept diapers is the thought of leaving my stuff behind and having to have a family member find out that way, as they clear out my stuff after I'm gone. No, I'm certainly not ready to go...but that fear begins to creep in...at what age do I get rid of the stuff once and for all so none of my loved ones has to face the discovery of my diapers, plastic pants, onesies...

As for the other comments, I wear disposables (and Plastic pants) at work a lot. It's pretty much a routine at this point, but I love the feel of wearing and wetting them. I do thick cloth, plastic pants, onesies, etc on days off when I'm alone at home. I wore like that yesterday while my wife was at work - I had been anticipating the day excitedly because I haven't had a chance for cloth in a long time. Today I'm off as well, but already I'm not as excited as I was yesterday.

There are weekends when I'm by myself with my wife away and by the end of the weekend, I've stopped wearing because it becomes boring...maybe if I had someone else to 'play' with, it would be different, but this is what I have.

Being dressed in diapers and onesie tends to keep me inside and away from outside work I might be doing on days off...etc.

This is a fetish I really do enjoy, but it seems, in relatively small doses. I am an adult and get enough out of my adult life so I don't want to be an 'aby' 24/7.

Isn't it interesting how many points of view there are - and even among those who say 'only for a while', the difference in what that length of time is?

diaperpt

[Baby Bethany]

Hi Beth,

Haha...when you said 'Old Timer Purge' something else came to my mind...well, then...I am a shade past 25...and I've been through at least some of those binge and purge cycles. Since I'm really, really old, I even have the fear of dieing or become incapacitated to the point where I couldn't get at my 'stash' of diapers etc to get rid of them. The real serious downside of having family that just wouldn't understand or accept diapers is the thought of leaving my stuff behind and having to have a family member find out that way, as they clear out my stuff after I'm gone. No, I'm certainly not ready to go...but that fear begins to creep in...at what age do I get rid of the stuff once and for all so none of my loved ones has to face the discovery of my diapers, plastic pants, onesies...

Oh yeah, I didn't realise that about the heading, hehe!!

I wonder if any AB's have had a sudden death, leaving all their stuff for the family to find? It must have happened.

Regarding the frequency, as you say it depends what you mean by often. I do it a couple of times a week and don't think that's much, but to someone who does it once a month that may seem a lot. The irony is that when I was at school I wanted to do it everyday, but couldn't because I could only do when my parents weren't around. Now I'm in a position where I can do it everyday if I like, I don't want to!

Beth