2011

I make  sure my diaper have the capacity for the duration I'm gonna be out.  I have spare diapers in my vehicles, but rarely have to use them on the same day, mostly for peace of mind.

I have pain in my mouth. Neither my dentist or me know why. I/We suspect it's the muscles, and I'm starting to agree with that as this morning I was fine, but as soon as I started chewing it started to hurt, and when I stopped it faded away.  I do have 2 holes that he gonna fix on Thursday, and let's just hope they are related and that fixes the problem. Until then I'll be eating food I don't have to  chew. 

I have 152 GB of diaper related stuff. 4000 diaper pictures that I have collected myself, and over 100 000 pictures that I haven't looked through, that I got from megapacks. 

Hope You’re Well “You said you were changing trains at Springfield,” Dan said. It was hard to read his tone now, but Imogen thought that she could see a smile in his eyes. She was sure that she wasn’t looking her best now; the tears might only have lasted a few minutes, but she was sure the aftermath would haunt her all day. She didn’t really know what had happened, she was normally pretty good at dealing with crowds, noisy places, and unfamiliar surroundings. But maybe when all of those things came together, she hadn’t had enough self-control left to fight back the nerves she had been repressing all morning, and had simply been overwhelmed. Still not the best look for a first date. She pulled a tissue from her pocket and made a futile attempt to stop her nose running as she tried to work out what to say. “I guess I did,” she answered, and gave a little shudder. “I’m sorry, I didn’t want you to see me like this. I’m not normally so…” A vague wave took in her own dishevelled appearance, maybe indicating the whole situation. Although the world around her was calmer now; Dan had quickly escorted her to somewhere quieter, maybe sensing that the noise wasn’t making it any easier for her to gather her thoughts. As she recovered her composure as much as she was able, she saw that they were in some kind of restaurant. A little booth, with high-backed seats hiding them from the rest of the venue so nobody could judge her. There was a mug of hot chocolate in front of her, filling the air with the scent of cinnamon and maybe some more exotic spices; and the centre of the brass table contained a plate with a small arrangement of cookies. She took one and nibbled slowly; kind of realising that this was all intended to help her calm down. “Thank you,” she said. “I’m surprised you even knew which way I would go from the platform. I mean… the station and the mall seem to run into each other, so there’s no clear way out.” “The hotels too,” he answered with a shrug. And despite the clear decadence of these cookies, with what tasted like pieces of candied lemon peel, nothing could have been more comforting than the lack of any real judgement from him. He was talking to her like a normal person, even when she’d just emerged from a pretty harsh meltdown. He was a good friend, supportive and willing to listen, and the only negative emotion his words brought was her own guilt about the way she had planned this meeting. “This place runs into the backs of three different hotels, so you can meet up with friends without going outside even if you’re not staying at the same place. Academia’s the big one, though. I stay there every time I’m in the area, so I kind of know my way around here by now.” “So you knew where I’d be?” “If you had headed through the concourse or the plaza, you would have seen one of the exits, with other people calling their friends to get a ride somewhere. But on this level, you’d be more likely to get swept along by the crowds and not know where to find me. So I figured waiting in the area would be best, the only path which doesn’t provide a clear, quiet space to stop and call.” “Thanks,” Imogen said, and nodded. “I really appreciate it. I didn’t mean to make so much trouble, I thought I’d be able to look around a bit and then follow signs for Hotel Academia, but then… I don’t know, I guess things got to me.” “It’s only natural, in a new place,” he said, and again there wasn’t the faintest trace of judgement. It almost felt wrong, when Imogen compared his openness to some of the plans she had made. “Don’t worry about it. I was already coming over here to pick up some deodorant –” He held up a small bag as if to prove his point. “– So checking for you on the way back is no hassle. Enjoy the chocolate, take a deep breath, and know I’ll be here if you need to talk. There’s no rush. We can get your hotel check-in sorted if you’d rather be alone, or sit back and enjoy the cookies. My favourite are the raisin ones.” For a moment his hand moved as if he might pat her arm reassuringly, before he seemed to think better of it and reached for his cookie instead, and began to nibble. Everything in his demeanour whispered calm, confidence, and safety. But Imogen thought maybe there was something else there; a nervousness that he was doing his best to hide. Was he worrying about how she was coping before the conference even started? Or was he perhaps nervous because he knew the effect being treated like a child could have on her? He’d ordered hot chocolate and cookies, like she was a kid. That had to mean something, didn’t it? But she knew that anything she read in his behaviour here was probably just wishful thinking. There was no real reason to suspect he saw her as anything more than one of his students. Imogen nodded and took a sip of her drink. The warmth seemed to carry a wave of calmness with it, and the sweetness was exactly what she needed. Maybe chocolate was the best medicine for this situation after all, although she knew she should start thinking about finding something to eat soon. “Have you eaten anything today?” Dan asked, as if reading her thoughts. “Besides those cookies? They may be delicious, but they won’t help if you’ve missed lunch. The food here is really good, and it’s the right time of day to get a discount in the post-lunch rush. Or if you want to get checked in, the Academia room service menu is–” Then he paused to give a slightly sheepish laugh. “Sorry, I’m doing it again. My colleagues say I always go into ‘parent mode’ when I see a young woman in trouble. Sorry, I should probably give you space to make your own decisions now you’re feeling calmer. You don’t want me acting like your dad when you’re on holiday.” “My dad’s nothing like that,” Imogen answered, almost shocked by the contrast. But she knew what he meant, deep down. This was exactly how a father should react, according to some stereotype or other, and it was exactly what she needed right now. If she could just accept it as a sign of kindness, and avoid getting turned on by the attention. “And I don’t mind, thank you. Maybe a little help is just what I need.” “I’ll be here as long as you need me,” he said. “No big plans for the day, just relaxing before everything gets hectic. And I want to make sure this weekend goes perfectly. For everyone, really, but especially for you.” “Thank you,” Imogen mumbled. And then amid her attempts to separate this place from the too-similar situations in many of her fantasies, a question popped up that she had somehow never considered. And she knew it was probably not the best thing to ask, but it was too late to change her mind now. “Are you? A… daddy I mean. You have a lot of parental energy, like I always imagined a dad should be.” And she was getting more nervous as soon as she said it, even before he answered with a soft chuckle. “No,” he said, and shook his head. “I think if there were kids in my life I wouldn’t have nearly so much time for puzzles. Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like, but I never thought seriously about it. No, all my experience is… Well, I don’t know where it comes from, but I wouldn’t mind if someone said I have natural dad energy. It’s just how you can see that I care.” “Right,” Imogen answered quickly, and then found herself blushing. It really could have sounded like she wanted to know if he had a family, like she was thinking of hitting on him. And she was glad that he hadn’t taken it the wrong way, but now she was so embarrassed by her own thoughts and feelings that she couldn’t meet his eyes. She picked up her mug to hide the confusion, and slowly kept on drinking until it was empty. The silence was starting to feel more awkward now, and she didn’t know what she could say to break it. “Hey, at least I stopped before I broke out the bad puns,” Dan said with a smirk, and all the tension was gone in an instant. “I like puns,” Imogen answered quickly. That point at least was easy to say. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to… I don’t want to pry, you know? I just realised… it seems weird we’ve known each other so long and never talked about family, or kids, or even relationships. I’d think most of my friends, I get constant updates on the latest love of their life, or they’re two names I always see together. I mean… I’m sorry, it’s kind of personal, I just never realised until now that I don’t think I’ve heard you talk about that stuff.” “Nothing to talk about,” he said with a shrug; but this time Imogen thought she could see a little more emotion in the gesture. “I’m single, and mostly happy with that. I’ve got a job I enjoy and enough hobbies to keep me busy, and finding someone I mesh with… like that… is pretty unlikely. Not something I think about, or something I talk about. How about you? I mean, you mention your parents sometimes, but otherwise it sounds like you’d rather leave your real-world connections behind most of the time.” “Y–yeah. I just didn’t… I mean… Yeah, there’s nobody in my life. I’m a voracious consumer of puzzles, and my parents think I’m just trying to fill a void or something. Like some day they’ll tell me about how the big brother of somebody I barely knew in high school is running a butcher’s shop now, or has become a shift manager at Home & Bargain, and I’ll suddenly realise I can just marry him and start making babies instead of all the juvenile, intellectual stuff filling my head.” “I can’t imagine you’d be satisfied with a puzzle-free life,” Dan said, and that enigmatic smile flashed back again. Could that be a sign he was actually interested on some level? For real? “No. And those guys never seem to have anything interesting to talk about anyway. I mean…” That was around the point Imogen realised that she was babbling to hide her nerves; maybe even trying to deny to herself how much the situation was getting to her. And she knew that after this conversation, when they had both been talking about him being a daddy, was probably the best chance she would ever get to ask the questions that were really on her mind. She was still scared; but after this morning she realised that she would always be scared faced with a situation like this. She knew that if she didn’t ask she would regret it forever, so she had to push through that fear. But she still didn’t know if she could. “I’m sorry,” Dan said, and leaned back a little. “Maybe that’s a little too forward of me. I don’t want to push if you’re not comfortable talking about things like that. Your personal life–” “No!” she gasped, and forced herself to look up at him. “No, you’ve not done anything wrong! It’s just you’ve been so nice, and the things I’ve said, or thought about saying… There’s things I feel bad even for thinking. Especially when that part of you… I mean… that parent mode… it’s so genuine, so comforting, and I want to be able to respect that without thinking…” “I think I can guess,” he said then, and she could hear the disappointment. She almost wished he would have gotten angry, even aggressive, that would somehow have been better. But like this, it gave the sense she had really hurt him. “You saw the things that Balrog and Peter were accusing me of on the forums, right? That I’m just there to prey on impressionable young geniuses. But please… believe me when I say it’s not like that. I hoped you’d know me better than that by now.” “That’s not it,” she said. “Well, not the whole thing. I’m not apologising for distrusting you, because I never believed you could be a bad person. But when those rumours started, I hope you remember I was pretty emphatic about defending you. And I never doubted it. It’s just…” This time, his hand was on hers. Gentle, comforting, just letting her know he was there. And it gave her the courage to continue. “I’ve thought some really bad things,” she said, forcing herself to meet his eyes. “And I want to tell you, because I should have known better. But it’s hard, so please, can you let me explain where those thoughts came from?” “I’m here to listen,” he said. “I’m not some kind of predator. That was just bad blood, started by a friend of a friend of my ex. I wouldn’t blame you if it’s … If it’s too much to get past. But if you want to talk, I’ll be here to listen, and I promise I won’t judge you.” “No, it’s not…” she started, and then took a deep breath to steady herself. She picked up the mug again, even though it was empty, just for a moment’s distraction; and was just a little surprised when she realised she had a fresh mug of steaming hot chocolate in front of her. Had Dan been organised enough to request a refill without her noticing? After another sip, she felt like she was ready to continue.

I keep trying to fight my bladder not wanting to go here in front of all these people. I just nod again as you tell me the plan. I don't really want go go into the office... luckily my uncle is halfway across the world right notw. The clothes sound good though... I'd bought a couple things online but never in person. Maybe you'd even let me pick out something.