2011

We are in peak winter, such as it is here.  Daytimes are almost invariably t-shirt weather but the nights have grown chilly.  My nappies are again, warm and comforting to wear and an absolute delight in bed at night considering the cold tiled floors of our rooms.  There can be no reason to get up. Despite only having shed about 7kg (15lb) to date, I swear I am feeling the cold more though.  I’m starting to understand why Walrus’s are built the way that they are. Although we have a large and powerful reverse-cycle AC that can, in a curiously non-specific, effective but vaguely unsatisfying way make our house warm, we also have an old-school wood heater in our lounge room.  This will, with a co-efficient of particulate smog and CO2 production, turn trees into a deliciously visual, focused source of radiant heat.  It’s also useful for smoking out neighbours we don’t like. Mmm…  Man make fire. Next to the wood heater in our lounge, in addition to a relatively sophisticated black “Scandia” (made in China) firewood rack filled with soon-to-be-globally-warming pieces of tree to fuel it with, I have, artfully positioned two black galvinised containers.  One containing kindling and the other containing left over household cardboard pieces which I use to get the kindling going. Building the pyre, I grabbed a few squares of cardboard from the relevant bucket and in doing so, noticed the labels on those pieces in a large, black font: “AA11” and “BD11” Further pieces included shreds of additional clues: “XL20” and “Made In China”.  I instantly knew that “AA” was “Active Air” and “BD” was “BeDry”.  It seems that at some point I’d dismantled some nappy cartons and thoughtlessly put them into the kindling bucket instead of the recycle bin.  Those nappy carton labels have been cheekily poking out of the bucket beside our wood heater, possibly since last season. Oops. Anyway, I’m pleased to report that Rearz nappy cartons make excellent kindling.  It’s a shame I can’t burn the used nappies as well really but that would require incineration rather than conventional unforced combustion and that isn’t happening in a wood-burning heater in a lounge room. It’s fairly unlikely that any of our house guests would have correctly identified the product codes Rearz use for their adult nappies but it still isn’t as though I’d wanted to display them.  I’m surprised that my beloved had not apparently connected the dots between the on-display nappy box labels and the nappy boxes in our walk-in-robe nor re-arrange the lounge display for discretion or even simply edited them out. Perhaps this is because of her almost Orwellian powers of double-think when it comes to her husband and nappies or perhaps it’s more to do with fire-operated wood heaters being, like our swimming pool, something that just happens as if by magic and she has neither interest nor awareness of the supporting infrastructure.  Having said that though, only last night I put myself to bed only to find a “snappi” nappy fastener displayed prominently beside my pillow. I recalled at once that I’d inadvertently left in in the shower.  I’ve been wearing cloth nappies the last couple of days and my daytime cloth pull-up has had to be tightened up by a snappi fastener.  I’d like to put this down to weight loss but in reality, it’s down to failing elastics. In any case, if I’m in a wet-only cloth pull up for the day, I usually start my evening shower with it still on me (obviously I remove the plastic pants) as this is a great way to rinse them.  At some point in ablutions I remove my nappy to wash me, wring it out and secret it to the wet nappy bin in the garage pending laundry day. I’d successfully removed the used-but-rinsed wet nappy and plastic pants but left the demobilised snappi fastener in the shower.  She certainly noticed that.  It wouldn’t have been hard (or harmful) to leave it there and I would have automatically retrieved it but a point had to be made it seems. So I’m guessing she did NOT connect the dots on the nappy cartons on display in our lounge room which I found privately amusing.  Perhaps I could raise the stakes a little here?  What about I take the cardboard insert label from my Rearz InControl BeDry Night Premium (“Colin”) nappies and carefully cut out the soft focused, wind-swept, sun-dappled and much-better-looking-and-less-decrepit-than-you’d-think-given-they’re-stuck-in-nappies” silver-fox couple photographed on the front before framing and hanging it? I won’t do it again though: the nappy cartons in the lounge I mean.  I’m sure I’ll forget a snappi in the shower again.

Whenever I  need to take off  my diaper for  whatever reason, I put in fresh inserts.  Inserts works as a barrier between new and old. 

My wife doesn't particularly want to get involved with nappy changing, although she's quite used to me wandering around the house in a nappy and plastic pants. She changed me in the hospital ward after my accident a couple of years ago, and then for a couple of weeks after I was discharged from hospital, because I was in no state to change myself.  Once I was able to change myself I took over again. I've never tried to pressurise her into changing me, as I know she's reluctant to do it.  That's not a problem for me - she's happy to get involved in other ways. She loves me, and I love her. She's vanilla and I'm not. We make it work because we want it to work. It's turned out to be quite easy to do.

87. Conflict and Compromise Pine Ridge Municipal Care Trust wasn’t particularly busy. Although Christmas Day had passed and many of the staff were back at work, those with families were still happy to take a few more days. The hospital was open for an unpredictable surge of holiday accidents; and Ffrances explained that mental health services were always stretched thin at this time of year. But most people were more than happy to put off an appointment, and so the visitor parking lot was half empty. Tess found that she was clenching her fists as they came closer to the building. She knew she wouldn’t be able to stay long; she was just here so that she could catch up with Spike, and possibly admonish him for not responding to many of her messages. Ffrances had said that there was nothing wrong with him; he didn’t need the services of the hospital, and there hadn’t been some new family drama to force him here. But that still didn’t explain what he was throwing himself into so much that Tess’s messages only got terse replies, and he didn’t respond at all when some of their other friends had reached out. “You missed him?” Ffrances asked. “Don’t be so nervous. Look, there’s not some kind of problem, he’s just getting into something new. Maybe a little obsession helps him to master the basics. I know you wish he would have talked to you more, but at your age… well, you’re both mature for your age, but I think Spike might still overestimate his ability to think things through. He’ll learn, but I hope you won’t be too mad about him dropping off the radar.” “He missed me too,” Tess mumbled, and then her perspective changed. Before she went away, she had been getting closer to Spike. She had been looking forward to seeing him at every opportunity. While she’d been unable to see him in person because she was in San Lorenzo, she had hoped to stay in touch by a steady flow of text messages. But she’d been having a good time with her family, catching up with her older brother, and most of what she had to say had been about the family experience. Now she suddenly realised that she’d been enthusiastically oversharing about an experience that Spike was missing out on. His dad had died before Tess ever came to this town, and the remnants of his family could only cope by crashing through life in a perpetual drunken haze. Hearing from her could easily have been a reminder of the holiday spirit he couldn’t experience, as well as the fact that she was far away. In the circumstances, she could understand it would be hard for him to say anything about his day. “It’s not just… obsession,” she said. “You kept on saying that Christmas is hard on a lot of people. It’s a time for family, and he hasn’t got one. Last year he celebrated with us, and this year he’s been alone. I wish I could have invited him, but…” “You could ask him to join us tomorrow. If you’re comfortable sharing that part of your life.” Tess couldn’t help laughing a little when she thought about that. There was no way she could come clean about the weird games Gabby wanted to play. Or even her own growing fascination with mental transformation. She would have to tell him about that stuff sooner or later,  but she wasn’t ready now. But was she shutting him out from a chance at feeling like family? Was there some way she could organise another extra Christmas to help Spike feel better? She shook her head, and realised Ffrances was still watching her; wondering how she felt about that. Tess didn’t even know herself if she would have the courage to tell Spike about all her problems this year. So she made a promise to herself that they would talk eventually, and changed the subject back to the important one. “I thought I could cheer him up by sharing what I was up to. So he could live vicariously, I suppose. But if I was just reminding him of what he hasn’t got, maybe I should have been more… Do you think he’ll want to see me now?” “I’m sure of that much. Come on, we can’t stay too long. Ten minutes, okay? A quick catch up. I’ll give you that comic, catch up with my paperwork while you two talk, and then I can give you a ride back. I’ll only just have time to drive to the house and then back here before my shift.” “I can walk back,” Tess shrugged. “If I have to. I’ve got a warm coat. Or just take me half way, save half the drive. The park runs most of the way along where the railway line used to be, doesn’t it? And now it’s getting icy, I bet it’s beautiful.” Ffrances was happy to be flexible. So she left Tess outside the gym again, and ran up to her office. The air was filled with the sounds of three or four sets of feet squeaking across the polished floor, and the dull thuds of whatever equipment was in use. Was Spike working out now? Was that what had suddenly grabbed his attention? She couldn’t imagine him really getting into sports, and he certainly didn’t need to work on making himself look better; he was fine already. Tess walked to the entrance, and looked out into the gym. There were a few people there, mostly stretching or chatting quietly with each other. Some of them looked like they’d been ill, and could have been hospital patients who didn’t want to get out of shape. One guy looked like he was practising walking; maybe some exercises prescribed by a physio. Everybody was focused on their own progress. It took a second of glancing around before she saw Spike standing on the other side of the room. He was looking at some poster on the wall, although Tess wasn’t close enough to see what had caught his attention. Although she was in a perfect position to see a bigger guy coming up behind him. Quite muscular, and wearing the same nondescript clothes. Tess froze, trying to work out what was going on. This guy had something in his hand, maybe a weapon. Was he one of the psychiatric patients, someone who should have been watched? She didn’t know. Tess willed Spike to notice, to turn around or move out of the way. But in a moment’s panic, she couldn’t find her voice. Everything was happening too quickly, and she could only let out a strangled squeak as some crazy guy closed on her best friend. The guy raised his club and swung it down. Spike must have heard the movement. He half-turned, enough to see the motion over one shoulder, and stepped partly to one side. While Tess was still trying to process what she was seeing he reached out to grab the other guy’s wrist, twisted and stuck out his hip. It looked like some kind of judo, though Tess had only seen that on TV. And it seemed Spike similarly lacked real-world experience, because his opponent’s feet remained firmly planted on the floor. It was hard to tell who was trying to do what, but a moment later the balance shifted and Spike was the one tumbling to the ground. Tess stared, still unable to make a sound. Spike seemed to see her, from where he was lying flat on his back. She wished she could have gotten his attention a moment sooner, could have overcome her nerves in time to shout a warning. But it had only been a second or two, and now she could only hope that he was okay. She wanted to run forward and check that he was okay, but she was scared. It was like being frozen on the spot, and as hard as she tried she couldn’t even take a step. And then the other guy stretched out a hand again. Spike took it, and pulled himself to his feet. There were a few words between them; Spike shook his head, and walked away towards her. There was no fear at all, and it took Tess a few seconds to work out what she had seen. “Tess,” he said with a smile. “I lost count of the days. I thought you were back tomorrow!” “No, it’s today. Ffrances brought me over.” She opened her mouth to say more; something about the way he would have known if he’d responded to her messages. But she knew that she had made it uncomfortable for him, even if she hadn’t meant to. Those instincts were so close to the surface, but she wouldn’t allow herself to hurt him. Not Spike. He was too important for that. “So, I guess she told you I’ve been here nearly every day? I got talking to Adam, and…” Tess tuned out for a few seconds, and looked back into the gym at his assailant. Adam. The big orderly Ffrances had introduced her to the last time she had been here. She hadn’t recognised him in different clothes, had barely remembered him. But she had to assume it was the same guy. “… better to have something, just in case. And he says, well… did you know he used to be a combat instructor for the marines? Medical discharge, and went straight into a job where he can carry on helping people in trouble. I get the feeling that he needs to feel like he’s protecting the victims of society, whether that’s people who’ve been invaded or the people staying at the abuse shelter here.” “He’s teaching you self-defence?” “Something like that. Just in case. I mean…” “Has he been threatening you?” she asked, all the urgency back in her voce. “Duke, I mean. You always said he wouldn’t, but…” “No. But I don’t want to be afraid anymore. I want to stand up for myself. And I know that if I get a passport, sooner or later he’s going to get mad. With me or with Shawna. I want to know I’m safe.” Tess just nodded. She didn’t know why a passport would be such a big deal, but she hoped that Spike learning how to fight would make it less likely that he would need to. She already hated and feared his stepfather from the few hints she had managed to put together, but she was sure that if he told her what had actually happened those feelings would only be stronger. They went on talking for a few minutes, while Adam came over and said it would be a good point to call it a night, unless Spike really wanted to push it further. Tess explained that she couldn’t stay long, but Spike said he would need to be heading home in any case. They went up to Ffrances’s office, where she handed over one of Kernigan’s less gritty superhero comics. Spike returned a book he had borrowed as well, trying to keep the title out of sight. But Tess caught a glimpse, and then it was all she could think about. Now she wanted to talk to Spike more than ever, and to reassure herself that Ffrances hadn’t somehow let slip about all the regression stuff Tess was doing. She wouldn’t, would she? Could she talk to Spike on the way home? Not likely; they would be heading in opposite directions. But she needed to know. She had seen the word ‘regression’ on the cover of that book, and she knew there was only one thing that could mean. But it was hard to believe Ffrances would have betrayed her confidence like that. It was unthinkable. It would explain why Spike had been less comfortable talking to her; it made so much sense. But she wouldn’t, would she? Ffrances cared about privacy more than anyone. Certainly more than… More than Gabby. She’d finally agreed to speak to  Spike the week before Tess had gone away. And she’d told Tess she was sure that Spike would turn out to be a jerk sooner or later. He wouldn’t really understand her. Had Gabby said something that she thought would drive Spike away, just because she disapproved of him seeing Tess? But if so, it seemed that Ffrances would be the one to try and give a more balanced opinion; to tell him what was really going on. That would explain that book, in any case. Tess knew that she had to tell him herself. To make him understand that even if there were parts of this lifestyle that intrigued her, she wasn’t planning to be a little girl any more than she had to for Gabby’s sake. But even when they found a few minutes to talk alone, she couldn’t bring herself to raise the subject. She didn’t even know how to ask him if he’d read what she thought he had. “We’re both pretty mature,” she mumbled, not really sure how to take the conversation forward. But with even the slightest excuse, she had found a way to fit that question in. “I mean, that’s what people say. Mature for their age.” “Y…yeah. I’ve heard that. Always had to grow up quick.” “I heard that some people feel pressured to be grown up. Not everyone has to act their age. But it’s such a complex thing to feel…” “I can understand that. If someone wants to be… someone that isn’t quite how the rest of the world sees them… I  think they should have that option. To play a different role for a while. I mean… not like some weird kinky thing. Nothing against people who want that. But if you feel like it might help you to cope with the world, then you should have that chance.” It was the best answer she could have hoped for. She could tell Spike what she’d been doing. She could invite him to join her for a little family Christmas. He could be Uncle Spike and watch her open her presents, or even be Daddy. She was sure that was a role he would relish. Gabby couldn’t object, if it meant Tess was happy to be a baby more often, could she? All Tess had to do was ask him; tell him that this wasn’t just a hypothetical conversation.  And that she didn’t want to be little, but was willing to do that to fulfil her friends’ dreams. He knew a little about it, and it sounded like he understood, so there was nothing to fear. She took a deep breath, and answered. “Well, you know… I’d never… I mean… Isn’t it weird, the things some people enjoy. I think I can understand it, but I can’t imagine what it would be like, actually doing that. Still, it just goes to show. So many things in the world you never even hear about.” She couldn’t tell him. Of course she couldn’t. Sharing Christmas with him would have been a dream. Even letting him see her being Gabby’s little girl, if she thought he might understand why she was doing this. But she remembered that she was going to wet the bed tonight, so that she would wake up feeling like a baby. And she was still a long way from admitting that. She would be seeing a doctor soon, anyway. If she could cure the bedwetting, then she would be able to confess the roles she was willing to play for her cousin. And besides, there wasn’t time today. Ffrances was already waiting for her; so they said good night and walked off in opposite directions.

Tarkik's Epilogue Once the train crossed into Arctica it started to get delayed by weather, and Tarkik texted Atuat to keep her up to date on his expected arrival. By the time it reached the station, the girls were already in bed. He told her not to wake them or leave them at home alone; he’d just take a taxi and charge it to his expense account. Before calling for the taxi, he went to the station’s washroom and pooped in a toilet for the first time in weeks. He also changed out of the absorbent nighttime underwear and into the regular kind. Luckily he had not needed the insurance. As he left the stall he hid the rolled-up diaper in his paw, but nobody else was in the common area of the washroom except a wolf and fox who were waiting for the handicapped stall, probably because it had the diaper changing table in it. Tarkik acknowledged them with a nod and tossed the pull-up in the garbage openly. Atuat was waiting at the door in a nightgown when he got home. They shared a long hug, then Tarkik started to lift his rollaboard and she stopped him. “We’ll deal with that in the morning,” she said. There wasn’t actually that much to deal with since he hadn’t worn any clothes for most of the trip, but it did need to be unpacked at least. She was right that it could wait. She took his paw in hers and pulled him up the stairs. When they reached the door to the master bedroom, she pulled him close again, kissed him, then gestured for him to enter first. He did, and she followed and closed the door behind her. “I’m very disappointed in you,” she said sternly. He was confused. He had Moon’s contact info, but Moon didn’t have hers, and even if he got it, he would have no reason to tell her about the blowjob. There had only been Wolfoxians in the washroom at the station. What else could she mean? He turned to her, his confusion obvious. “You know foxes aren’t allowed to wear clothes,” she continued, while herself being a fox wearing clothes, albeit not very many. “Do you know how badly this reflects on me as your wolf?” Oh, she was roleplaying! This wasn’t something they had done before, but he could go along with it. “I was travelling,” he said meekly. “Well you’re not travelling anymore, so strip before you ruin the treaty for everyone,” she replied. He undid his trousers first and slipped them off before starting to pull his shirt over his head. “You’re not wearing a diaper either?” she asked, reaching into a white paper bag he had just noticed near the bed. “Think of the mess you could have made.” Once he had removed the shirt, he saw that she had pulled a small package of disposable baby diapers from the bag, the same brand that the girls had worn when they were young, but in the wolf toddler size he knew from recent experience would fit an adult fox. She had apparently been planning this. He pulled down his underwear while she tore open the package, pulled one of the diapers out, unfolded it, and spread it out flat at the edge of the bed. He took the hint and sat on it, then leaned back, lining his tail up with the slit at the rear waistband while she took her place between his legs hanging off the end of the bed. “Would you like your bottom cummed?” she asked. His confused look returned. “How?” he asked back. She reached into the white paper bag again and pulled out a double-sided dildo. It had an inflatable knot at the base of each phallus to hold it in place, and a hinge in the middle. She lifted her nightgown over her head, revealing that she was not wearing any panties underneath it, and inserted one of the ends of the dildo into her vagina, then inflated the knot with the little finger pump to hold it in place. Then she adjusted the angle of the hinge so the other phallus stuck out in much the direction a real erect penis would. “Would you like your bottom cummed?” she asked again. She had apparently done quite a lot of planning. Tarkik was never the type to turn down sex with his wife, so he replied, “yes please.” He lifted his knees toward his chest and she touched the tip of the dildo to his pucker before he had a realization. “Lube, lube, lube!” he said as forcefully as he could without risking waking the girls. She pulled back and thought for a moment. Apparently whoever sold her the dildo didn’t know she intended to use it on her husband, because she didn’t immediately reach into the paper bag for a bottle of lube, meaning there wasn’t one in there. She seemed to get an idea, and released the valve to deflate the knot of the end of the dildo that was inside her, then thrusted it in and out of herself a few times before removing it entirely, inserting the other end, and inflating that knot. She pressed the tip of the dildo, now slick with her own secretions, against his anus again, and while they weren’t as slippery as commercial lubricant, they were good enough for her and would have to do. He was glad he had pooped at the train station. He strained like he was trying to poop again to loosen his sphincter, and she pushed the dildo into it. The experience of having anything this solid go into his ass was unfamiliar to him, but it was most like when he had tried to poop his diaper at the end of the first full day of the trip when he had constipated himself. His anus did not care for being held open by something that firm. She kept pushing until the full length was inside him before retracting. Between the tip of the dildo pressing into his prostate and her furry underbelly rubbing against the tip of his penis, he became erect quickly. None of the foxes getting reamed during their diaper changes had needed to touch their penises to cum, so he focused on her and let her do the work. And as she pulled the dildo out slowly to prepare for another thrust, he caught her gaze, and he saw the look. The one he had seen from the side in so many other wolves and foxes during their diaper changes and anal sex. The look of one soul cursed to be split into two bodies, finally, temporarily, getting the chance to be one. He hadn’t seen that look since just before the girls were born. He tried his best not to blink, just in case he lost it. Having not successfully masturbated in two weeks, he didn’t last long before ejaculating on his belly. She held out slightly longer; he could tell by her glow when she brought herself to orgasm, keeping the dildo inside him like she was really a wolf spraying his colon with her semen. After she pulled out, she brought her snout to his crotch and licked the rapidly liquifying cum out of his fur, then climbed on top of him. He felt the dildo that had so recently been in his ass poke into his abdomen as she pressed her lips to his. He opened them to receive her kiss. The taste of semen wasn’t improved by it being his own, but he would never tell her that he knew what anybody else’s was like. She climbed off him, pointed his penis down, and threaded the front panel of the diaper between his legs and over his groin. She really did mean to go through with this part. Maybe it was a good idea after she had stretched him out with natural lube only. She taped the diaper in place slightly crooked; he supposed she and Moon were the same amount out of practice the first times they diapered him, but Moon had more experience changing Sun’s diapers before that than Atuat had had changing their two girls. As she retreated to the ensuite washroom to remove and wash off the dildo, he sat up and took it upon himself to fasten the rear waistband tape over his tail. He stood and caught her when she came out of the washroom, putting his paws on her waist and circling her teats with his thumbs as he nuzzled her. He caught her eyes again. She still had the look. He probably did too. He loved her so much. She put her nightgown back on and they climbed into bed together. Even though she was supposed to be the wolf, he was the big spoon, pressing his crinkly crotch into the base of her tail. He was glad he hadn’t mentioned that Wolfoxian foxes sleep in cribs to her, although they had sold the girls’ crib through a consignment store when it seemed like they were done having kits. It would have been a lot more difficult to get furniture into the room without the girls noticing than the diapers and the dildo. Would she have done that if she had known? He wasn’t sure how seriously she was going to take this. Like how deep in the morning did she expect him to keep it on? There was a chance he could get away with wearing a diaper around the girls, but he definitely couldn’t get away with wearing only a diaper. And would she be upset at him for using it, or did she expect him to? It would give them an excuse to have a shower together in the morning, which could lead to more traditional intimacy. That would be a good time to suggest to her that the girls were mature enough that maybe it was time to have another litter. Maybe he should have done that before depositing two weeks worth of abstinence on his stomach. Maybe they would need that crib. Maybe tomorrow night he could be the wolf. He was glad to finally be home. He loved her so much. He squeezed her a little tighter. In the moments before falling asleep, he thought of Moon. He hoped he’d be okay.