My fiancé of 4 years. A DL?

[Branny]

Hello. I’ll start with my name, Brandon. I just want some advice and understanding.

my partner m (27) and I m (22) have been in a gay relationship for 4 years now. We co-parent his biological son together and want more in the future. When we got together and over our relationship I’ve asked and pushed for him to share about his most intimately parts with me as I do with him I’ve always given him everything he’s asked of me I’ve never judged and I’ve understood everything about him constantly. 
 a year into our relationship we took a big step to move out of area together into a house and start a real life together. Since we have lived here we have argued lots about my trust to him and visa Versa and I’ve always kind of felt somethings been off and I’ve literally believed that he would be the only person in my life that wouldn’t lie to me. 
 

on Saturday I found a diaper boys profile called josey96 and a tumblr account all with pictures and videos of his play time and other bits.. his location was set as local on diaper boys and his tumblr was written in a way that wants to meet with people. 
 

I’ve now tried to understand him I’ve put boundaries in place allowing him to do what he needs to do while I try and soften the blow. My mind feels like if this was something he spoke about when we got together or even anytime between that I have not had to come across it accidentally and end up in shock then I wouldn’t be so uncomfortable with it but where it’s based on this lie I just feel like everything he’s said has been a lie. He tells me he’s not met people and he tells me he’s not done anything worh any other people in the whole 4 years we’ve been together but he’s posted vids and pics every few months and sometimes days and weeks for the last 5 years. Can someone help me understand all this? 

[Branny]

I think one of my questions is he said he’s able to keep the difference between the sexual side of things and the feeling like there’s no problems in the world. But now I know and want to share it with him he dosent want to do it anymore. What does that mean 

[Little Sherri]

I don't know enough about the platforms you mentioned to really offer much sound advice, other than to say that I've been a DL pretty much my entire life - I can't remember ever not being fascinated with diapers and wearing them, etc. I'm married and I have a family. and opening up about this to my wife felt fraught with risk and was terrifying, really, and it took me a long time to do it. In the meantime, I had diapers hidden around the house and I wore them when my family was away, or when I was away on trips, and I didn't, and I don't consider that to be in any way cheating on her. I wasn't meeting up with people - that could be a different story, depending on what was involved, I guess - but, in any relationship, there has to be some psychological space that is just yours, and some that is just theirs. Expecting two people to be completely open books to each other about everything is probably unrealistic, and something like this can feel like a bombshell, in that it could potentially imperil everything that he likes about his relationship with you, if you consider it to be immediately the most important aspect of his personality, and, particularly if you also find it objectionable. 

In the end, I "came out" to my wife because I knew that sooner or later, she would probably find out, and I figured we were both better off if that happened on a prescribed timeline, and not some Wednesday afternoon when she's searching for a tire pump and comes across a case of giant toddler diapers in the back of the garage, or whatever. Your partner probably wishes now that they'd been more proactive, rather than waiting for you to step on this landmine of sorts, but, it's a huge step - most people's attitudes about diapers were formed when they were very, very young - diapers are for babies, diapers are gross, diapers are shameful, nobody wants to wear diapers, why would you want to do that? So, expecting understanding and openness from you on the topic could be considered wildly optimistic, even in a really good relationship.  I wouldn't use their hiding of "this" interest as a litmus test for the health of your entire relationship, is what I'm saying. And if it's really not a big deal to you, then once they believe that, they are going to be ecstatic, most likely, and your relationship will be stronger than ever. 

[Branny]

I want him to have that space 100%. It’s not that it’s weird or disgusting because I’ve always been and have been open to lots in my relationship. It’s more that he hid it and wanted other people to see him like that rather than me. I’ve given the idea of it a try with him and it really isn’t something I can’t live with. I don’t have a good or a bad thing to say about the experience but he is obviously very shameful about the whole thing. When he’s posted online about his adventures he’s quoted things like “time to find a daddy’s face and wet them” and I just can’t fathom if it was with intention to meet someone like him or if it was to follow a trend with tumblr. He said he dosent feel like this all the time just when life’s going out of control is this common with people that like AB/DL.

[Snugglebear_69]

I'm going to over a different perspective and one that some people may not really like.

What you described above to me is a big issue. Whether or not your partner has actively gone out an played with other people or not what he has done and is doing is emotional cheating. He is seeking to fulfill an emotional need behind your back and doing so by hiding things and lying.

Diaper boys is quite literally primarily a hook up site and so the fact he is actively on it, with his profile set and written to meet people I think is very telling. Actions do speak louder than words.

I understand when people say it's tough to be open or come out about thus but he didn't seem to have any issue doing it with other people. He also isn't just posting messages, he is posting images AND videos.

Honestly, it sounds very much like he either has given in to his urges and played with others or he will do so in the future. Only you can decide what you are comfortable with but I know for me this kind if deception and breach of trust would be a massive issue.

[Branny]

It is a massive issue for me and trust has always been the biggest thing for me with everyone all the time, but he said the website was just a place he could put his photos where they weren’t on his phone. But when I’ve looked on the site it has a private album and I can’t see how people can comment on these without first having a conversation. Perhaps I’m naive, I agree it’s emotional cheating but that feeling is mostly shut down online in similar situations. Perhaps he wanted someone to share it with but was too embarrassed to share it with me? He also didn’t post his face on this site. Or so he said. 

[Young1]

So the way he hid it was wrong, but I would give him the benefit of the doubt for now, I know there are some people that do meet up with other dls and whatnot but most of the time it's not in a sexual capacity, it's usually meeting in a public place or coffee shop and meeting each other, those that are more comfortable with meeting other dls go to events and conventions etc.

I myself would love to meet other dl people but I don't have the courage to actually do it. 

Try talking with him and get him to  tell you the whole picture without pressure. He's lucky to have someone that isn't turned off (pushed away)  by the diapers and leave.

 

[Little Cub Pants]

10 minutes ago, Young1 said:

So the way he hid it was wrong, but I would give him the benefit of the doubt for now, I know there are some people that do meet up with other dls and whatnot but most of the time it's not in a sexual capacity, it's usually meeting in a public place or coffee shop and meeting each other, those that are more comfortable with meeting other dls go to events and conventions etc.

I myself would love to meet other dl people but I don't have the courage to actually do it. 

Try talking with him and get him to  tell you the whole picture without pressure. He's lucky to have someone that isn't turned off (pushed away)  by the diapers and leave.

 

My sentiments exactly buddy. Well said.

[Snugglebear_69]

Whether it's in a nonsexual capacity or not isn't really the issue, the actions are still based on lies and not just once or twice but four YEARS worth. 

If he didn't think it was wrong or an issue he probably wouldn't be lying about it now would he. I get wanting to offer people the benefit of the doubt but for people who've been in this community at a long time this, sadly, isn't a new narrative and it's very rarely one that turns out well.

Folks, if you can't be honest and tell your partner the truth then you aren't being fair to them as an adult. Yes, you have rights but so do they. Let's be real, not everyone wants to have a partner that wears diapers and they have the right to make that decision. Whatever the motivation, lying, for years, to the person you are supposed to love and trust . . . . I just don't see how that is acceptable or excusable behaviour.

[horrorfan]

Most of us are scared of judgment after coming out, so we don't. It's a lot easier to keep it all closeted and compartmentalized than to tell the world about something which disturbs and disgusts them. I've only ever told a few people and it was always the same-that this is something to keep to myself (friendly advice). Rejection hurts, even if well intended, so my advice would be to let this one go.