complete Breaking the Girl: A Novel

[chansu ragedashi]

57 minutes ago, Wannatripbaby said:

Part of me wants to over-analyze the shameful voice in her head, but honestly I think it was just the last of her Vanilla inhibitions screaming out one last time before leaving her body. Only time will tell.

that sounds about right, the 'shaming voice' being the vanilla teachings of decades. there is possibly a bit of this where she had something happen when she was younger hinted at when Kimmy wrote about her 'dad'

2 hours ago, bbykimmy said:

"The other kids won't like me if I pee my pants," I said, the pain just spilling from my mouth.  "My dad said so."

 

[HyperShark]

22 minutes ago, bbykimmy said:

Cheater!  Cheater cheater pants!  You can't pick two

Okay, hmm. Well I chose 34 I guess

[Babyqtboy]

5 hours ago, bbykimmy said:

 

I need to post a pic of me with my paci to my tumblr, I really love mine.

Awww I want to see that   I am too afraid to post face pics lol maybe some day I might though; baby steps lol I am just now comfortable enough to post diaper pics

[bbykimmy]

4 minutes ago, Babyqtboy said:

Awww I want to see that   I am too afraid to post face pics lol maybe some day I might though; baby steps lol I am just now comfortable enough to post diaper pics

Oh, I never post face pics.  It would be angled so you could see the paci but not see my eyes/nose much, like I did with my sharky PJ picture

[Babyqtboy]

6 minutes ago, bbykimmy said:

Oh, I never post face pics.  It would be angled so you could see the paci but not see my eyes/nose much, like I did with my sharky PJ picture

Yeah I was just looking at those lol. That spanking looks like it hurt too. I don’t have any cute pajamas so the few pics there are of me are all typical guy photos, just the diaper  I feel like I am posting nude pics screaming “look at my junk” lol 

[bbykimmy]

4 minutes ago, Babyqtboy said:

Yeah I was just looking at those lol. That spanking looks like it hurt too. I don’t have any cute pajamas so the few pics there are of me are all typical guy photos, just the diaper  I feel like I am posting nude pics screaming “look at my junk” lol 

It really did!  I was on my hands and knees for the spanking and by the end I was collapsing to the floor.  She had to ask "green or yellow?" like 3 times during the spanking to make sure I wasn't really hurt, lol.  I said, "Green green!"  And then got a few more spanks.  If I had put on my diaper like she said, I wouldn't have gotten any at all :O

[YourFNF]

@bbykimmy Also I really want someone to feed me icecream now or maybe cookie dough. That and netflix actually sounds like a perfect date.

[garyg]

Great chapter but no bib with that pretty dress?

[bbykimmy]

Chapter Thirty-Three

It was strange to be back in normal underwear under my normal clothes.  It was strange to feel like an adult again, even though I had been an adult... well, my entire adult life.  Being Little had been so freeing.  I understood why Jess enjoyed it so much, but even then I didn't think I could live that way all time time.  I didn't think I could give up my job, my career, to live the life of a toddler the way she did.  But she was happy, and I enjoyed sharing that Little mindset with her for the evening.

I was deeply glad I had worked up the courage to ask to borrow an outfit.

I was pondering on how I missed the comforting bulk of the diaper when I felt my phone vibrate in my purse.

JULIAN:  Hey babe, I haven't heard from you in a while.  Sorry work sucks, let's go to that Italian place you like so much on Friday.

I groaned inwardly, I had been putting off dumping him for so long.  It was wrong to do it over text, but it seemed just as wrong to go on a date with him and do it after.  But if I said I wanted to talk somewhere else instead of the date, he would basically know what was up anyway.

I was bad at breaking up with people.  Of all the relationships in my recent history, I had been the dump-ee, not the dump-er.  This was the first time I'd had to dump someone in a long time.

But I needed to.  I owed it to him.  It wasn't his fault that suddenly I needed something different.  He was a great guy, smart, kind, generous... but I felt the need to explore this thing with Vanessa much more than I needed to continue the song and dance with him.

Sounds good.  I'll see you Friday.

I'd let him down gently.  I'd tell him that I just needed some space, everything would work out.  He was a reasonable sort.

"So," Vanessa asked as we drove home, her voice that sultry-sweet that she seemed to always have with zero effort, "what was the best part of the evening?"

I blushed and looked away, all of those Little feelings rushing back at me in a flood.  The high chair, the stuffie fight, the feeling of Seth towering over me, the restraints, the diaper, the cute princess dress.  The memory of childhood trauma.  The evening had been a whirlwind, most of it positive, but it was a lot of feelings.

"I didn't understand Jess before tonight," I admitted, speaking slowly to gather my thoughts.  "Not really.  The sex games with you were fun, the cuddling was amazing, but when you... " I could feel the heat in my cheeks as I remembered Vanessa squeezing the crotch of my freshly wet diaper, "When you and Seth came in after Jess and I had thrown toys everywhere, I got this thrill... this Oh No I'm in Trouble, feeling... and suddenly Jess made sense to me.  It's stupid, but I don't think I've ever felt as loved as when you just... checked the diaper.  You were so gentle and I was so fragile, and I felt so incredibly small.  And safe.  Because I knew that you wouldn't be mad, you wanted me to do that, to... wet myself."

"So your favorite part was the rush of feelings you got?" she asked.  It was so weird to have a partner that genuinely cared about the intricacies of my feelings.  Julian just wanted to know if I was happy or not, Elaine had just wanted me for my body, Josh before that had only liked me because I played games.  Vanessa seemed to really care about who I was, she seemed to have this depth to her that just felt so rare.  She asked me hard questions that made me think about myself.  She wasn't content to have a shallow, surface relationship.  She had persisted after I had thrown her aside for the safer bet.

"I love you," I blurted out, saying the words for the first time as I realized how true they were.  I immediately felt like an idiot - saying that for the first time was a big moment, and I didn't want it to be in the car on the highway, I had wasted it.  I was so dumb.

"I love you, too," she said without any hesitation.  It was just as shocking - Elaine had just stared at me when I told her the first time and we had been dating for a month.  I fell in love too fast, Jenni always said so... I just couldn't help it.  That was one reason I had pushed Vanessa away in the first place.  Going with a boy just made life easier, the world was suited to hetero people, so appearing hetero just made things simple.  I blinked back tears at Vanessa's reciprocation - it wasn't effortless, it wasn't flippant.  She sounded sincere.  She was so open and honest, she always said what she felt.  It was refreshingly different.

"What was your favorite part of the evening?" I asked, trying to get the conversation back on track.

"I deeply enjoyed feeding you in the high chair, how you were completely dependent upon me and how you enjoyed it."  I couldn't stop blushing, so many deeply embarrassing things had happened that evening but none of it fazed Vanessa in the least.  This was her jam after all, just like it seemed to be Seth's and Jess'... and with that realization, I felt like the odd one out.

"Too bad you don't have one," I teased.

"Actually... " 

My head whipped around, my mind spinning.  Vanessa was looking a little embarrassed.  I felt my mouth drop open.

"You have a high chair in the apartment?  How did I not notice!?" I gasped.

"It's broken down, it's under my bed at the moment.  I didn't figure you'd understand if you came to my apartment the first time and saw that... so I hid it," she shrugged.  I felt a little bad for making her uncomfortable.

"Next you're going to tell me you have a crib stashed somewhere too," I joked.  She shifted a little - Vanessa's embarrassment was very hard to read, she was a professional, her job involved hiding her emotions and maintaining a professional calm while people flailed around her, but I was getting good at reading her.  Her eyes narrowed just a bit, her hips shifted ever so slightly, and her left hand twitched on the steering wheel, her fingers clenching and unclenching subtly.  "You have a crib in the apartment, don't you."

"The guest bed is a crib," she said, my eyes felt like they might fall out of my head with the surprise.  It suddenly made sense, why the back of the daybed wasn't swooping swirls in wrought iron like most daybeds.  "I have one side removed and the head and foot boards lowered... again, I didn't want to spook you.  You don't have to sleep there if you don't want to, you can take my bed and I'll sleep on it, or the couch."

"Wow," I breathed, reaching into my purse and gripping the pacifier that I had taken from Seth's.  "Do you want someone to give up everything the way Jess did?  She doesn't even have a job, right?  She hinted at that."

"No," Vanessa said quickly.  "Absolutely not.  I don't want someone who is so deep into play that they lose themselves.  I worry about Jess, I worry that she's doing herself a disservice by diving so deeply.  She doesn't have many friends any more, she rarely leaves the apartment unless she's with Seth.  It's not healthy."

"Oh," I said lamely.  "That's sad... do you think she'd go if I invited her out?"

"I hope so," Vanessa smiled, her hand drifting from the steering wheel to grasp mine.  "It would be very sweet of you.  What would you like to do for the remainder of the evening?"

"I wonder," I mused, unable to hide my grin, "what it would be like to play our video game from a high chair?"

That got her attention.

*     *     *

It felt good to box up the last of Kailee's diaper crap.  I was glad she had ignored me and not bought another case of the stupid things.  I was glad that we could put all of this behind us.  She said she never wanted to see another diaper again, and frankly, neither did I.  Her pacifiers, bottles, bibs, and onesies were all in the box that we carried together to the dumpster.

"You don't want this," I reminded her.  She was looking sad as we prepared to throw it in.  "Think of all the pain it's brought to your life?  Just... be normal.  Or hell, be kinky but not this stuff any more, Kailee.  Vanessa is a bad person, I wish you had never gotten involved with her.  Everything she touches turns to ash."

"You're right," she said sullenly.  "It's just... I spent a lot on all of that stuff and it's hard to just... chuck it."

"You don't need it.  Let's go out dancing tonight, we'll get you laid.  This was a wakeup call for me too, I have to break it off with Benny.  He's married and I'm being stupid.  Come on."

Together we hoisted the box up, tossing it in the dumpster and closing the lid.

It felt good to know that crap wasn't in our apartment any more, that Kailee could just be normal.

"Where do you want to go?" Kailee asked, squaring her shoulders as we walked inside.

"Let's go downtown and pick up boys, it'll be great - like old times."

"Yeah," Kailee nodded.  "Want to get dinner first?"

"My favorite taco truck is downtown tonight, I saw the update on their Twitter feed - it's perfect.  Let's get tacos from the truck and then go dancing.  I'll be your wing-lady, the goal is to find you a boy tonight, someone to help you take your mind of Vanessa once and for all.  It's her fault all of this happened.  It's her fault that we went down this awful path."

"You're right," she agreed.  "It was all stupid, and I took it way too far."

"Me too," I admitted, feeling guilty.  "Let's just... put it behind us and move on, okay?  Best friends?"  I held out my pinky in that age-old gesture of friendship.

"Best friends," she agreed, looping her finger around mine.  We walked back to the apartment to get ready for a night out.  I never wanted to think about any of this ever again.

*     *     *

I felt heartbroken as I closed the door.  I had just tossed my entire collection, my whole stash.  Aubrey had helped me go through my room to make sure I got it all.  I couldn't blame her, this whole thing had to be incredibly bad for her too.  We had cried so long that night on the floor, sobbing and telling each other we were sorry.  My bruises were faded but still there, and I still flinched when I heard her coming toward my room... but we were best friends, we'd work it out.

With a sigh, I opened my closet and selected a black clubbing dress, low cut - it would show off a lot of cleavage.  I got ready, trying to push away the thoughts that a regular boy would never be enough again.  Vanessa had unlocked something in me, but Aubrey had helped me realize it was poison.  I hated myself for pulling us down that awful path.  I had apologized so many times while we cried, I had realized that it was all my fault, that Aubrey had been trying to help, that she had been giving me what I wanted.

And I couldn't deny that.  I had asked to be forced, and she had forced me.  I had asked for no choice, and she had taken it.  I had asked to be beaten and she beat me.  She was right -  I really had no room to complain.

I just had to figure out how to get over this part of me that hated myself now.  Aubrey was right - I shouldn't want to see another diaper for as long as I lived.

I had to find someone to help me be normal.

[Marcorpsdoc]

So many familiar emotions.  One minute glad that I’ve thrown out everything, the next devastated that I’ve wasted so much as I sit at the computer ordering more diapers.  I wonder what Aubrey’s reaction will be to the inevitable “relapse”.  

[Luap1123]

I don’t know whether I’m more concerned that Kailee seems to be in the middle of an intense binge purge cycle related to abdl.

Or that she is still best friends with Aubrey after the way Aubrey treated her. 

[fyunch]

So Lauren really hasn't reflected on the situation.  Nor, fundamentally, has Kailee.  They're scapegoating Kailee's box of toys, thinking that if they just exorcise them, then Kailee will return to normal.

Too bad.

The catharsis of the scene where Kailee and Lauren  broke out of their trap was, so far, wasted.  They didn't explore their real feelings ... just fled from them.

[Guilend]

It will not go well for Kailee when, in like a month or so that Aubrey walks into Kailee's bedrrom to find her on the bed in nothing but a very dirty diaper with her wand. Kailee will hate herself even more, Aubrey could even lose her mind and start beating her again. I never liked going through the purge, it seemed that every time I would be back to diapers, i'd hate myself more and more. It wasn't till I realized that it was me, nothing was going to change I was able to finally start to love myself for me, not try and be some one else.

On the Dani part, I can see things go very wrong with her date, it will hurt Dani a lot.

Jess and Seth, well they will always be Jess and Seth. 

[ELLIE52]

17 minutes ago, fyunch said:

So Lauren really hasn't reflected on the situation

Aubrey not Lauren

I don't really have any predictions at the moment for the story, no words of truth.  All relationships to me are just so complex.

[RambleLamb]

Dani is just too adorable, when can we expect plushie versions of her to be on sale? I'm asking for a friend...

[Wannatripbaby]

I actually think Kailee is making the right move getting rid of all her Little stuff. Despite what every other ABDL on this site says, people can change. Especially as a result of Trauma. And I do think Aubrey is changing too. Attempting to murder your best friend is just about as loud a wake-up call as you can get!

[bbykimmy]

14 hours ago, garyg said:

Great chapter but no bib with that pretty dress?

Everybody's a critic

Maybe Vanessa's just really confident she'll be able to catch any dribbles

1 hour ago, Marcorpsdoc said:

So many familiar emotions.  One minute glad that I’ve thrown out everything, the next devastated that I’ve wasted so much as I sit at the computer ordering more diapers.  I wonder what Aubrey’s reaction will be to the inevitable “relapse”.  

I talked about this a little earlier in the story, when Vanessa was emptying the apartment of gear... the binge/purge cycle is real and it comes from a place of shame and self-loathing, just like what Kailee is doing here.  It doesn't have to be this way.  Instead of purging, pack it away - if you don't feel the desire now, great.  If you hate yourself... don't punish yourself.  Diapers are just clothes and you're not bad for liking them any more than a guy might be bad for liking boxer shorts or a woman for liking thongs.  Sure, they might not have the same intensity of feelings you do, but it's just positive feelings about clothes.

And wanting to be cared for and loved.

And how could that possibly be wrong?  You're not hurting anyone, there's nothing wrong with you.  Love yourself <3

1 hour ago, Luap1123 said:

I don’t know whether I’m more concerned that Kailee seems to be in the middle of an intense binge purge cycle related to abdl.

Or that she is still best friends with Aubrey after the way Aubrey treated her. 

Both are pretty badsadbad things.

44 minutes ago, fyunch said:

So Lauren really hasn't reflected on the situation.  Nor, fundamentally, has Kailee.  They're scapegoating Kailee's box of toys, thinking that if they just exorcise them, then Kailee will return to normal.

Too bad.

The catharsis of the scene where Kailee and Lauren  broke out of their trap was, so far, wasted.  They didn't explore their real feelings ... just fled from them.

Feelings are really hard, and running from them is easy.

But if you bury your feelings, you bury them alive... they'll be back and they will continue to hurt until you deal with them.

42 minutes ago, Aries said:

It will not go well for Kailee when, in like a month or so that Aubrey walks into Kailee's bedrrom to find her on the bed in nothing but a very dirty diaper with her wand. Kailee will hate herself even more, Aubrey could even lose her mind and start beating her again. I never liked going through the purge, it seemed that every time I would be back to diapers, i'd hate myself more and more. It wasn't till I realized that it was me, nothing was going to change I was able to finally start to love myself for me, not try and be some one else.

On the Dani part, I can see things go very wrong with her date, it will hurt Dani a lot.

Jess and Seth, well they will always be Jess and Seth. 

That's it exactly.  Acceptance and love is the key, not shame and denial.

Poor Kailee.

You're the first person to mention the upcoming date... what could possibly go wrong?    I'm sure it'll be fiiiiiiiine.

29 minutes ago, ELLIE52 said:

Aubrey not Lauren

I don't really have any predictions at the moment for the story, no words of truth.  All relationships to me are just so complex.

Feelings are hard <3

18 minutes ago, RambleLamb said:

Dani is just too adorable, when can we expect plushie versions of her to be on sale? I'm asking for a friend...

Do you want a Dani all your own to cuddle?  I figured you'd want a Seth or a Vanessa

14 minutes ago, Wannatripbaby said:

I actually think Kailee is making the right move getting rid of all her Little stuff. Despite what every other ABDL on this site says, people can change. Especially as a result of Trauma. And I do think Aubrey is changing too. Attempting to murder your best friend is just about as loud a wake-up call as you can get!

A person can only change if they want to change.  Kailee didn't get a choice, she's blaming foolishly, she's blaming the gear and she's blaming herself... and she's not blaming Aubrey.  I can't agree with your analysis on this one, this situation is straight up bad news.

[RambleLamb]

@bbykimmy I feel like maybe if an amalgamation of a lot of these characters existed it would be the single most cuddleable being in existence, but such a thing would be far too expensive.

I'd just admire it from outside the shop window and wonder if a brick would break that window and if I could run fast enough while carrying said thing to get away from the fuzz...

[Luap1123]

1 hour ago, Aries said:

On the Dani part, I can see things go very wrong with her date, it will hurt Dani a lot.

Good point. I was so focused on the evolving dynamic/relationship between Dani and Vanessa that I forgot about Julian.

[HyperShark]

My prediction of 34 chapters is looking a little too premature, 35 or 36 may have been a better bet but oh well

[YourFNF]

2 hours ago, bbykimmy said:

Chapter Thirty-Three

I felt heartbroken as I closed the door.  I had just tossed my entire collection, my whole stash.  Aubrey had helped me go through my room to make sure I got it all.  I couldn't blame her, this whole thing had to be incredibly bad for her too.  We had cried so long that night on the floor, sobbing and telling each other we were sorry.  My bruises were faded but still there, and I still flinched when I heard her coming toward my room... but we were best friends, we'd work it out.

With a sigh, I opened my closet and selected a black clubbing dress, low cut - it would show off a lot of cleavage.  I got ready, trying to push away the thoughts that a regular boy would never be enough again.  Vanessa had unlocked something in me, but Aubrey had helped me realize it was poison.  I hated myself for pulling us down that awful path.  I had apologized so many times while we cried, I had realized that it was all my fault, that Aubrey had been trying to help, that she had been giving me what I wanted.

And I couldn't deny that.  I had asked to be forced, and she had forced me.  I had asked for no choice, and she had taken it.  I had asked to be beaten and she beat me.  She was right -  I really had no room to complain.

I just had to figure out how to get over this part of me that hated myself now.  Aubrey was right - I shouldn't want to see another diaper for as long as I lived.

I had to find someone to help me be normal.

I see they haven't realized the actual problem

[bbykimmy]

29 minutes ago, RambleLamb said:

@bbykimmy I feel like maybe if an amalgamation of a lot of these characters existed it would be the single most cuddleable being in existence, but such a thing would be far too expensive.

I'd just admire it from outside the shop window and wonder if a brick would break that window and if I could run fast enough while carrying said thing to get away from the fuzz...

A horrible six-armed, three-mouthed monstrosity that moans piteously and begs for the sweet release of death?

We have different taste in plushies, I suppose.

28 minutes ago, Luap1123 said:

Good point. I was so focused on the evolving dynamic/relationship between Dani and Vanessa that I forgot about Julian.

6 minutes ago, HyperShark said:

My prediction of 34 chapters is looking a little too premature, 35 or 36 may have been a better bet but oh well

And then Julian murdered her for dumping him.  The end.

4 minutes ago, YourFNF said:

I see they haven't realized the actual problem

Noooooope.

[RambleLamb]

@bbykimmy yeah, that's not what you get when you smash these characters together...

[YourFNF]

11 minutes ago, RambleLamb said:

@bbykimmy yeah, that's not what you get when you smash these characters together...

Have you seen a matter energy transporter accident before? Jesus that one time, Liall and Nebrax...... What came back from that ship..... (looks out over the lobby at memorial wall)

[Wannatripbaby]

54 minutes ago, bbykimmy said:

A person can only change if they want to change.  Kailee didn't get a choice, she's blaming foolishly, she's blaming the gear and she's blaming herself... and she's not blaming Aubrey.  I can't agree with your analysis on this one, this situation is straight up bad news.

Perhaps I should explain what I meant:

I view fetishes in a different, more-articulated light. I believe we have these desires and the fetish is the external way we express those desires. Example: I'm a CG. I want to have my own Little Girl someday to diaper and feed and bathe and pour out my undying love on because I have these desires to take care of someone. Now, does that mean these desires can only be fulfilled by changing diapers and such? No! There are a myriad od ways I can feel fulfilled outside of ABDL and I believe that can be true for most everyone. You just might not realize it.

Kailee was a BAD Little. Not just a Brat, but a BAD Brat. If she can't play by the rules of ths game, perhaps she should find a different game to play?