DiapersInTheNaturalState Posted June 15, 2016 Share Posted June 15, 2016 This is my first ever story. I warn you that it does contain explicit material involving two girls. So if that doesn't interest you please do not read. I do not want a bunch of hate comments on my story. As a writer I welcome constructive criticism but as a person I ask that you keep it respectful. It is quite long but I hope it as enjoyable to read as it was to write. 2 Link to comment
Elfy Posted June 15, 2016 Share Posted June 15, 2016 OK well as some constructive criticism... Paragraphs. I read the opening few sentences and things seemed fine, no huge errors or anything like that but it is hard to read when everything is one big block of writing. The eye gets lost and paragraph spacing is important to give the reader a pause before the next scene or part of the scene begins. Same for when characters are speaking, putting what each person says on a different line helps to differentiate between what people saying. Also, from scanning the story quite quickly it, seems there is a sexual scene in there... Are the characters over 18? It was hard to tell as I was looking through it. Aside from that, it seems like a fine story I think the grammar, spelling and everything, aside from paragraphing, is good. I don't tend to read other people's stories too much but this seems like a perfectly good little (or not so little!) story. Link to comment
minachan16 Posted June 15, 2016 Share Posted June 15, 2016 Elfy, it says at the beginning she just graduated high school, so should be 18. Wouldn't hurt if the author made it clearer though. And yeah, paragraphs. Please for the love of all that is good, use paragraphs. My head hurts looking at that block of text. Link to comment
DiapersInTheNaturalState Posted June 15, 2016 Author Share Posted June 15, 2016 I appreciate the feedback! I will certainly break my next story up in to paragraphs. As far as the girls' age, it plainly states it in the story, but the girls are both over the age of 18. None of my stories will ever have minors in it if the story includes sexual content. 1 Link to comment
Drownedinp Posted June 16, 2016 Share Posted June 16, 2016 I liked the story, it kept my attention! I know I'm not that great of a writer myself, I never criticize another writer! I know how much fun it is to just create a story, and exercise your imagination! That's the joy of writing! Link to comment
VadersBabyGinger Posted June 16, 2016 Share Posted June 16, 2016 I will be honest. Without paragraphs, I simply will not read it. It is hard, and difficult to read that much text. I would like to read it, but it really needs those in order to be readable. (Also, as an ex-English teacher, it makes me curl up in a corner and have flashbacks of grading papers...) 1 Link to comment
DiaperedDLinSouthFL Posted June 20, 2016 Share Posted June 20, 2016 I thought you wrote a great first story. It lends itself to a sequel Link to comment
BabyLock Posted June 20, 2016 Share Posted June 20, 2016 On ?6?/?15?/?2016 at 11:56 AM, Elfy said: OK well as some constructive criticism... Paragraphs. I read the opening few sentences and things seemed fine, no huge errors or anything like that but it is hard to read when everything is one big block of writing. The eye gets lost and paragraph spacing is important to give the reader a pause before the next scene or part of the scene begins. Same for when characters are speaking, putting what each person says on a different line helps to differentiate between what people saying. Also, from scanning the story quite quickly it, seems there is a sexual scene in there... Are the characters over 18? It was hard to tell as I was looking through it. Aside from that, it seems like a fine story I think the grammar, spelling and everything, aside from paragraphing, is good. I don't tend to read other people's stories too much but this seems like a perfectly good little (or not so little!) story. It could be useful even if not following paragraph protocol - to just simply double space between 3-4-5 lines or sentences to break up that big block eyefulness or is it awlfulness ! Try not to run 6 or more lines unless ending or beginning a chapter or thought break. When I see one of these block text pieces and I have the time I put the breaks in without regard to the content - reading as I go along - not speed reading 101 but just browsing for what is the message ! Link to comment
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