Handling people with anger issues

[ausdpr]

So this seems randomly OT, but this is about the only forum I post much on these days.

I gained a random flatmate last year, very quiet, relatable, generally pretty awesome. When our three person place broke up due to the owner selling, we decided to move into a 2 bedroom place. Getting to know each other better seems to have opened a whole floodgate of behaviour they're more willing to show however. I possibly should have seen the warning signs last year when the police were over for an apparent 'prank' some cruel hospital worker played on her about a falsified self-harm threat.

Lately, it seems that every other week, she's on the phone screaming at some company or institution, sometimes in tears by the end or more often screaming at some poor hapless phone worker at a company to not hang up on her, or to give her a refund right now for a slightly incorrect delivery which they've promised to fix, or demanding that they explain the ever so slight increase in our utility bill right now, etc, often losing her mind when eventually most of them do hang up on her. If it was one time I might think that it was a bad day, or they genuinely deserved it, but when it becomes a pattern it becomes obviously not something on their end, I've never seen anything like it. It occasionally involves furious punching on walls. I've had to apologize to plumbers and electricians a few times who were coming over to our apartment and got an earful from her over the phone for every little infraction she can dream up about them, often having to reorganize them for a second time after the first booking confirmation falls through if they called her first.

Now, we all have our problems to deal with, I myself get pretty anxious at times, and I try to just accept her presumable stress issues and move on. Except...

A few times now it's been turned on me, but I'm honestly an extremely laid back disinterested person and have mostly deflected it with smiles and shrugs and promises I didn't mean whatever she's angry about. But if I don't let her rant for minutes about supposed motivations and evils on my part, she loses her shit about apparently talking over her (which she's happy to do to everybody else, it's very much a one-way street), which is hard to smile and shrug over, I don't have that much patience and time. e.g. my sending a casual email offering to clean some mould off a wall which she'd repeatedly emailed the owners asking how they intended to 'handle it', was apparently a big attempt at undermining her vast organizing skills, when in truth I just didn't want to make the owners commit to a 4 hour drive to wipe a tiny patch of wall which I was happy to do. After yet another stupid drama today (using a trickle of hot water for about 7 seconds to wash my fingers apparently ruined her whole shower experience, with her banging on the walls a good 6 minutes after, I'm not even sure if they were related), I've decided I can't move in with her again, unfortunately, because she was otherwise pretty good, but these are genuinely stupid issues beyond what I'm interested in having in my own home.

Now here's the things, beyond just needing to finally vent after many months. One problem is that it's impacting my ability to work from home this year (since she hasn't had a job for months now, she's lost multiple jobs due to everybody else being awful, and it's hard to work in a tense non-soundproofed shitty apartment whenever she's yelling or screaming, occasionally at me).

But perhaps more importantly, I'm fairly certain she knows about my kink. Maybe I just got lazy with curtains or something, I care much less about it now days in my older age. She once brought up fetishes and turned point blank to me and said that she doesn't understand adult baby stuff, as the only one she explicitly doesn't understand, as if looking for a reaction. I just shrugged and thought maybe she really doesn't, but it seems odd, and now that I think about it, I realize that she could potentially hurt me with that if she doesn't get her way with moving. She has severe allergies and can't find many people actually willing to live with the necessary requirements, and I don't know, I have this niggling worry that she's going to lose her shit if I don't promise to move with her again. Somehow I'll be doing something cruel to her, and I wonder how hysterical she might get. I can absolutely handle this on my own, but am just curious, has anybody ever dealt with somebody with anger issues who also perhaps knew about their fetish? Has it been used as potential blackmail material? Truth be told it's not a completely well kept secret on my part anyway, it wouldn't bother me too much any more if people knew, but it would be nice to have some ideas about what to expect. All in all I just want to kick back and focus on fun productive stuff, and need home to be a good place to do that.

[Little Crusader]

While having never dealt with someone who knew about my interests in diapers, I have dealt with a lot of people with anger issues, kind of tends to feel like the thing most Australians have some days. The last time I really dealt with someone who was that angry, was my uncle, he can get pissed at just about anything, ready to blame everyone but himself for his problems, I once got a lift from him, to which he just sat in silence the whole time, silently glaring at the road, he was pissed that he was giving me the lift, but instead of just saying he would of preferred had I walked home, he instead decided to remain silent, blaming me for not knowing what he wanted me to do.

[ausdpr]

Yeah knowing what will trigger them is a bit hard, most of the time I haven't even been angry in response, just baffled that they've suddenly found something to be so upset over that it's like I killed their family or something (I emailed the estate agent saying I'd be happy to clean a wall and save everybody some trouble, and that's some outrageously terrible thing worth having some big drama over? really?).

Overall though I think I just needed to vent after a few months of it and a recent encounter, already feeling better about 30 minutes later. Having just listened to somebody bang on a wall with disproportionate uncontrollable rage is not a fun memory to have in your system.

[Little Crusader]

For me, dealing with people like that is hard, only because I am just as ready to yell and fight back, I have to remember exactly how it would play if I were arguing with me, and I realize it's pointless most of the time. Most people with severe anger issues don't really want reason and logic, as they just either want things to go their way, or even worse, they just want to start a fight.

I sorry that you have had to deal with something like this, and I am glad you are feeling better now

[ausdpr]

Thanks for lending an ear. Funnily enough I'm now back to mildly peeved about the whole thing, after been given time to calm down from my calm down :P. Definitely maybe probably surely will consider making a different move at the end of the year.

[Little Crusader]

Well if you ever want to talk about it, or just make a friend with another Aussie, feel free to send a PM

[id0ntknow]

Sounds to me like your roommate really needs to get some counseling on her anger. If she just keeps at it the way she is now, she can only wind up hurting herself or someone else.

[ausdpr]

Thanks Leaf, I'll keep it in mind , especially if I'm looking for a new flatmate.

And yeah id0ntknow, she is currently seeing a psychiatrist, though I'm unsure if she actually talks about her own anger issues with them, or how much she thinks that everybody else is wronging her on a daily basis. They'd probably see the signs if so. The fact that she can't seem to control it and causes so many problems (having to constantly rebook workers) makes me think that it's a genuine mental health issue. I'm sympathetic, but can't have it when I work from home, it really kills concentration just hearing the angry door slams and so on.

[Cute_Kitten]

I really don't know what to say, other than you have the patience of a saint and she's damn lucky to have you as a room mate- to put up first of all with requirements of her severe allergies. And to endure her rages- particularly when she turns them on you.

Edited August 14, 2015 by Cute_Kitten

[ausdpr]

Patience is really just being distracted by other more interesting things.

We are locked together until January, rental leases are basically impossible to break, so it helps for at least one of us to not be on the warpath, especially since it's hard to take her anger seriously when she's set off by absolutely everything.

[Baby Brian]

I simply don't deal with people like that. The last time someone tried throwing their anger at me for stupid stuff like that, I strangled her till she calmed down (almost unconscious at that point), then made sure she never came back to my house ever again). And while the cops got involved in that situation, I don't regret it one bit.

[ausdpr]

While I do appreciate the frustration, I could never use violence as a response to frustrating words, particularly since in this case it seems to be a genuine mental health issue.

[beallucanb]

I do know what to say, get away and get away fast, you don't need to worry if someone is going to explode at every little instance.

[Bettypooh]

January isn't that far off and I hope your saintly patience can hold out that long. Though I hate the term, they now call these "toxic people" and you do not want or need them in your life I have Clinical Depression and I have a Mom and a Sister who seem to almost always pick the exact wrong time to say or do the exact wrong thing with me which sets me off into a tailspin downward. No amount of explaining things to them works; they can not or will not understand and either way the results are the same for me. Since I can't "brush them off" I have to deal with that, and I have to focus on their good qualities to get past my own problems with them They could be worse- and so could your next roomie

[kevindhca]

Just don't let it effect you. Keep telling yourself, it's her problem, whatever. Tell her point blank, don't

[ausdpr]

She's actually apologized and said that doctors have just found a physical condition which they've given her medication for, which has been making her 'irritable'. I'll see how it goes, if it's an actual reason or an excuse, she has otherwise been extremely good except when having these episodes.