I'm nigh on broken, and I just don't know any more.

[ForbiddenFruit]

(post carries a content warning for suicide and mentions of transphobia)

I don't know how long I've had this tab open before writing. Listening to the rain. Watching the clock. It's raining, again. Of course it is.

I think I'm suicidal. I might not be. I don't know. The worst part is not knowing.

When I was in the US I worked really hard on my year's project. Worked weeks in advance. Kinda burned out at the end of it. So I took a couple weeks off - kept submitting the stuff I had prepped in advance.

Then I moved back to the city my university's in, to be with my boyfriend from the US for a little over a month. First time meeting in person. Couple weeks after the first day is when the problems started.

He and I are fine, of course. Any problems we had, we worked out. We just miss each other now, although that really hurts. It's my work that's the problem.

I let the next date creep up on me. And I just couldn't write any more. I hate falling in and out of love with this project. I've lost count of the weeks now. I ended up feeling so broken, so utterly, freaking panicked and shattered and self-loathing I ended up getting a friend to email the course co-ordinator on my behalf. I hate my editor. I hate watching the only thing I've built in a while being utterly, utterly torn to shreds beyond feedback. I hate

[Wet Knight]

Please take this advice, given with the best intention.

You DO

[Amyuser]

Having emotional issues and being suicidal is one thing, Homicide is a complete other thing.

Trust me I have been suicidal,I made an attempt 20 years ago that landed me in ICU for three months and step down units for an additional 3 months the hospital bill was 3 million dollars,was it worth it NO NOT AT ALL.

PLEASE PICK UP THE PHONE AND CALL A CRISIS LINE BEFORE A TRADUDY OCCURS!!

[Abi]

I feel your pain, hun. I've been there. Different reasons, maybe, but they led me to the same place.

I'm not going to try to tell you what you should or shouldn't do, because you've gotta find your own answers. But I will ask you one thing. PLEASE don't do anything that's going to screw up somebody else's life for them. That's not fair, yeah?

PM me. Let's talk. See if we can't work something out.

*hugs*

Abi

[beallucanb]

I hope you don't mind me saying, I think you need to try doing only one thing at a time, you have way too much coming at you at one time.

Sit down make a list of your priorities, do the most difficult thing first, if you can.

I never had your kind of problems, but what I had coming at me used to overcome me, to the point I couldn't do anything I couldn't see straight.

It is so hard to be young these days, I don't know if I had the choice to be young again, if I would take it.

Never give up just do things at your pace until you can see straight again.

[ForbiddenFruit]

I've been trying to do whatever to keep myself stable since. Shower. Juice early. Talk to my BF. Browse some text / type services. It's another day down, I guess.

Thanks for the kind words. I'm going to try to eat well tomorrow, take the dog if it's dry, and for christ's sake make some pissing headway on this. Just until my parents come back, then pack my bags for Monday morning and try to sort myself out when I'm back in Galway, far from here.

[Wet Knight]

I have slept on this before writing it.

Many alcoholics think that a change of location will help.

[Shotgun Diplomat]

Being that I have gone through the stages of depression, and suicide before, I urge you to seek help and comfort from both professionals and Family. It is simply not worth it I attempted suicide approximately 10 years ago, and thought that it would be the fix all for my problems. It wouldn't have been. It would have created more problems (not for me, but for my Family, whom I cherish beyond words). Suicide is the permanent non-solution to life's problems, it is just not worth it. I will reiterate, if you feel like you are going to commit to a course of action, leading in your death, please seek help, talk to someone, talk to anyone, just talk. It really works.

[ForbiddenFruit]

It looks like an update is in order:

About a week ago I got a text from my friend / housemate saying that the course co-ordinator emailed her saying that he'd been trying to be in touch with me, and that it wasn't too late. That got me to get out of my 'terrified to check my email' funk and I opened it. Got in touch, and he told me what I had as an option; submit what I had by Monday and he'd grade it.

[Bettypooh]

Glad things are going better for you

All my life I've constantly kept as many things going as I could handle, both to accomplish things as well as not waste time doing nothing. Then came my breakdown and the process of rebuilding my life. In that process I learned that I tend to overload myself, trying to do too much for too many which was leaving 'me' out of my life And I also learned that I can set aside things which do not need to happen today so I can get those done as needed.

It seems to me that your plate is overloaded and you're going round in circles trying to catch the things from your plate that are falling off. Stop for a moment and make a list of what you've got going on. Set the list aside and add anything new that comes to mind over the next day or three. Then look at that list and decide