Scared to start

[ash5150]

So, one of my friends/daddies wanted me to post in here. Even writing this now really freaks me out and is pretty scary. I mean, I know I have issues. I could go from being out, happy and having fun, and then litterally out of no where, I'm miserable. For no reason, like a switch gets flicked inside of me. Or I'll just get really mad.

Like, I know it sounds crazy, but I litterally hate being me so much, that I spend like, what feels like 90% of my consciousness pretending I'm someone else. Mostly people that I just make up. People that are more attractive, smarter, better off, happier...

I know this isn't normal to the extent that I do it. I went and made an appointment with a therapist, but I got so scared and nervous and anxiety that I cancelled it that same day, and now of course I feel like a coward.

I known I need help. That, I have such awful thoughts that it scares me. But I have this huge fear that if I go into this session, I won't know how, or will be to nervous to verbalize everything. I just, have no clue what to do and life just seems to be slowly burying me and there's no way out :/

[Rockies Fan in Diapers]

Hi there. I have to tell you that I relate to the way you're feeling probably more than you know. I am no therapist & I certainly know what it's like being judged & feeling like you're being Judged & I don't want to imply that I am or actually judge you at all, so its hard to articulate what I really want to say. Counseling, going into counseling is totally scary, I get that. I've been in counseling now for almost 6 years now myself & getting started & opening myself up & allowing myself to be vulnerable was the toughest thing. When I started, I didn't know where to start & how to verbalize everything either, but I went & just started talking & it got easier, & a good therapist will help the process & you in the process. Hang in there & I do hope this helps.

[Elfy]

So what you're saying is you're autistic.

Same here!

[ash5150]

I don't think so. I mean, I've never been diagnosed, but then again, never been to see a specialist.

[Bettypooh]

You've got the way out- tghe therapist. And there's nothing to fear there. Yes, it will be awkward at first but they've seen that before (like with every newbie). Thing here is that unless you do something (like seeing the therapist) then it's not going to change for the better. Believe me, you ain't got nowhere near as much to discuss with the therapist than I did And in the end you may discover that it's not so much you that has problems but the rest of the world.

[Dill_Pickle]

Dear Ash,

[Baby Brian]

Do what I did and join the military. That grew me a spine and made me very.... Let's just say definitive in who I am and what I say. I wasn't anything like this before hand though- I can attest to that.

Either that or go see that therapist. Which ever one you think would be easier for you.

[BabyJune]

It sounds as though you're trying to handle everything all at once and it feels overwhelming to you. Keep your appointments with the therapist and try to deal with small bits and pieces at a time. It takes patience, but with a good counselor, you'll come through just fine, I'm sure.