Confession From A Lonely Heart

[Guest Lil_Lilo]

Well. It's official. I have hit rock bottom. I have let my fears, insecurities, and loneliness lead me to make the biggest mistake possible. 

See my husband is a diaper lover. I've know that for many years and accepted it. I even wore diapers for him and let him baby me. What I didn't know until a few months ago is that he got online and shared his love of diapers with others. He likes to role play. I got into his yahoo and read very explicit messages. They hurt me deeply. I felt like he did not want me and wanted to be with these other babies. I felt like there was something wrong with me since he had to go online. He still maintains to this day that its just online and he would never actually do anything because we are married. He encouraged me to join the sites and meet people. So I joined fetlife and dd. I made some friends on both sites but mostly dd. Weeks and months go by. None of them easy. Every day a battle with my insecurities. Every day growing more lonely. Every day growing more suspicious about what kind of things he is role playing about. Fast foward to sept 1. Last time we have sex. I explain I want to make love without the diaper element. I tell him I won't wear them anymore until then. I did not realize my desires came out so much like an ultimatum. So days go by. Weeks. And then a month. I try so hard to get his attention daily and fail. I begin to feel so ugly, unattractive, lonely, and unwanted. 

My solution was the stupidest thing I have ever done. I sought attention from another man. Damn near a stranger. It didn't matter. I was lonely. I needed to feel wanted and wanted to be touched. And deep down I think i wanted my husband to feel a little like I had been feeling all these months. I immediately knew what a huge mistake I made. I told my husband how I betrayed him. In my mind I believe I was just doing what he did to me but I went further. I did it for real. 

I hate myself for what I did. I hate myself for who I have become and I hate myself for hurting my best friend in the whole world. And I wish I could go back and undo it. I would give anything for a do over. I am so ashamed of what I did. I cannot look myself in the eye, I cannot hug our child, and I cannot see any joy in the world. 

I do not know what my future holds. This is truly going to be a turning point in my life. I don't know if my marriage will survive. I don't know if the guilt I have will ever go away. I am truly alone now. 

So why confess here publicly? Well since I have been making friends and sharing my feelings about the jealousy And role plays a lot of people have come to opinions about my husband. I want everyone to know that I have become the horrible person I thought he was. 

[Kayla_H]

Sweety I'm so sorry for the mistake you made. In my eyes it doesn't make you a horrible person but that you just made a severe mistake and am sincerely remorseful. I know these word aren't too comforting, but I am truly sorry and I really hope you two can work it out.

[Dr_J]

While I cannot even begin to say I know where you're coming from or how you're feeling, I can say that we have all made mistakes in our lives. Unfortunately, some of those mistakes have far greater consequences than the others.

Can you blame yourself for making said mistake? Personally, I don't think so. Given what you've mentioned, you were/are in a very fragile state due to circumstances that were/are beyond your control. You neededto feel something to make yourself feel wanted. Was it the best way to go about things? Probably not. But I don't believe that you should be so hard/critical on yourself.

Yes, it was a mistake, and the important thing is that you realize it was a mistake and that you do feel bad about it. That shows that you are human. Time wil heal the wounds that have been inflicted on you. Believe me, I've made some mistakes in the past, some of which led to some lost time with people I loved and cared for, and even worse, some which people I loved and cared for left this world without me being able to say goodbye, all because I was wrapped up in my own life. But time will heal you. Another thing that may help now is to do a little bit of introspection. You felt guilty, you have "purified" yourself by admitting to your guilt, and now, the last step would be "redemption." What do you feel you should and could do to redeem yourself?

I can only imagine the potential damage this whole situation has done to both you and your husband, but are you two able to reconcile and talk it out? Can you find some middle ground to both satisfy your and his needs?

I'm not sure if any of this is helping you, but I am hoping that it does. I am also hoping that some good comes out of this situation. I read a quote somewhere that "It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light." While I do work a lot and am sometimes busy, I tend to lend a very good ear when people are dealing with issues like these, so if you need to talk, let me know.

Hang in there my friend. There is ALWAYS some good that comes out of these types of situations.

[rubbercatsuit123]

I personally think that your husband needed a wake up call, you sound so understanding of his fetish that the rest of us can only dream about someone like you. He put you in that situation and he should thank his lucky stars that you actually still want him at the end of it. I don't condone cheating to cement a relationship normally but in this case maybe now he will see your side of the relationship and calm his fetish down a bit or at least lean it towards what you actually like? Good luck for the future!

[sweetandsensitiveguy]

If you would have told me this before i would have told you that it was probably time to move on from him.

I know you gals want to make things work and after seeing so many friends get divorced you see things that others can't.

You done nothing wrong if he didnt give you reasons to question him you wouldnt had to see what he was doing. He should have been happy to have someone who loved him enough to do what you did and get into this.

I have learned from many relationships that guys don't know what they got till they lose it.

For me all my past relationships made me the person i am today where i know what i want and know who i am and i can be a better boyfriend and husband because of it.

As this does it make you know yourself better and what you want so you dont make the same mistakes.

Don't doubt yourself dont put yourself down pick yourself up and say it's his lose and realize their are people who love you for you and one day you will find someone who will worship you for the wonderful person you are.

[sweetandsensitiveguy]

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[sweetandsensitiveguy]

[Honu]

First, you need to forgive yourself. You can't unring the bell so look ahead. The next step would be you to forgive him for hurting you. Then, if you have really crossed those hurdles, ask him to forgive you. Not only is this extremely difficult, but many, many couples have failed trying because they couldn't let go of their hurt and anger. Good luck, but this is the way out of the hole you are in. Even if you don't get to step 3, you will benefit from steps 1 and 2.

[Guest Lil_Lilo]

Thank you everyone for all your kind and thoughtful words. I dont deserve them. I am scum. I really just wanted everybody to know the truth about me and what I've done. I felt like everybody knew already, and just didn't want to say anything. I am human. I make mistakes. This just happens to be the biggest mistake I have made in my entire life. I don't know that I will ever forgive myself. No matter what the circumstances behind it, what I did was completely wrong. And only time will tell if my marriage can be saved. I still want it to work. We have had 12 amazing years together. Only during this past year did we start to encounter hurdles. Hopefully with a little more honesty and communication we can jump over those hurdles together.

[fideliuscharm]

You're not scum. We all make mistakes. The fact that you can admit in a public fourm no less shows you're willing to be accountable for them. That's the first step in moving forward. Whatever your journey holds ahead, I'm sure the hardwork will be worth it.

best of luck.

[babyleanna75]

We all make mistakes and we all learn from them. We can only apollogize and try not to repeat them. Wish you luck

[foundout]

You aren't scum. We are all sinners. We all fall down from time to time. You did the right, mature thing by confessing your transgressions to your husband. He needs to realize that he is as much at fault here as you are. He might not think he has cheated on you because nothing physical happened, but he still emotionally cheated on you.

I've been there. I did what your husband did. I convinced myself that what I was doing wasn't really cheating. I was severely depressed at the time. I took it a step further, however, because the person I was having these inappropriate conversations with and RP sessions, essentially an affair, was a local female DL. We even met for drinks once while diapered.

That was two years ago. After she discovered my infidelity, I honestly thought our marriage was over. All I could think about was my son and my soon to be born daughter. Yeah, I cheated on my pregnant wife like a complete lowlife asshole. It was only through complete and total honesty and open discussion that we held together. I hope that someday she can forgive me for what I did to her.

My advice would to seek counseling. He doesn't have to go initially. You need a third party to help mediate. Whatever you do, don't let your child services you fight. They aren't involved in this and shouldn't have to suffer.

Sorry for the wall of text.

[crinkles]

Please consider a marriages concealer , my wife and I were going though a rough time and after several months of concealing it really helped. And you will find it probably isn't all you that is causing problems.

[babymaggie]

Lil_Lilo, you are not scum. We all make mistakes. Maybe you and your husband can work things out, maybe try a couselor. But mostly the two of you need to communicate. Yes you made a mistake but so did he but keeping things from you and making you feel unwanted and loved so things aren't all on you. Please do not be so hard on yourself. I hope the best for you and your husband.

[drynot]

Well...as a male I have a bit of a different perspective on things. Some may not agree with me but I don't see role-playing over the internet as cheating at all. It sounds to me like your husband was looking for something that you couldn't or wouldn't provide. I'm not saying he was right or that you were wrong. Your feelings on the matter are completely valid and you have every right NOT to wear diapers or play with them if you don't want to. However....he may have thought his actions were completely innocent and he MAY have not realized just how much they were hurting you.

Fast-forward to your ultimatum.....and it was an ultimatum no matter how you slice it. You told him that you wanted to REMOVE the diaper element from your sex life. Once again...completely VALID. You should never do anything you don't want to.....however....by laying down the law he may have thought you were ultimately rejecting HIM. This fetish, for whatever reason, seems to be so ingrained into peoples identity that even the SLIGHTEST form of dismissal from our significant others can look like an outright rejection and can result in some really, really dark thoughts. You used to do it before....now you don't. He turned away because you rejected a huge part of his self being......

Not having his side of the story complicates things here. I'm not saying you're lying or mis-interpreting the facts but I can only guess as to how he felt afterwards. Judging by his actions that you've told us about, I think he believed that you wanted nothing more to do with him and when you went to him afterwards....the damage had already been done.

Now....IF THIS WAS ME....your cheating on him with another man LIKELY just CONFIRMED everything he had been feeling up to this point. I can only speak on how I would feel if my wife did something similar...I would be absolutely devastated. I would never, ever be able to come back from that and my marriage would be over. But that's just me. If the shoe was on the other foot and I cheated on my wife...I would expect her to think the same way as I do. She has told me that in no uncertain terms that if I cheated then that would be the end.

Now...it sounds to me like your marriage suffered from some terrible communication issues. You've mentioned that you suffer from esteem issues and lack of confidence and maybe he does as well. My best advice has already been brought forward....GET COUNSELLING!!!! Some by yourself and some with both of you. It definitely helps. Good communication between partners is the CORNERSTONE to any healthy relationships and learning how to talk to one another goes vary far in learning how to treat each other.

I wish you nothing but the best of luck in the future.

[curiositykilledthecat]

Communication, communication, communication, communication.... yes you screwed up and nothing undoes the fact ypou had an affair, however if he is having online fantasies with other women then he isn't innocent of any wrong doing either.. The two of you really need to sit down and talk about your relationship and what elements you both do or don't want to share and make time for each other outside of it.

[Amyuser]

The Events of our life shape us, the Choices we make define us , You Made a Mistake and you did not hide that mistake and pray that it would just vanish,Rather you confessed your mistake to your Husband and told him what you did and why, and now all that is left to do is for you and your husband to put this behind you and move forward .You have not said you do not Love him,or desire him, you felt he had more invested into his fantasy life than he did for you, it's a rather easy mistake to make when reading words on a screen about someone's fantasy life, thats the whole point of fantasy or role play things that are illegal ,immoral or fattening (just Kidding) things that you can not or will not do in real life, you can do from the safety of of a screen name with another screen name and you can stop and start when and if time permits. So now is your time to make peace first with yourself and the inner demons that are eating you up do not Deny this as you are referring to yourself as "Scum" so find someone to talk about your feelings of inner turmoil, and once you make Peace with yourself you can make your marriage whole again, your husband may of been shocked and even angry when you told him of your mistake thats a natural reaction it does not turn his heart to ice or cause him to fall out of love with you, and you have not said you do not love him, so move forward with with whats true and what brought the two of you together and to have children. You where friends ,then lovers, then husband and wife, then parents, find your center reach your common ground and build up from there…….