Why Would Someone Stay In Such An Abusive Relationship?

[Guest]

First off, this is not about me, or someone I care about, but I hope the information discussed will help someone else.

So, here it goes,..........About a week ago, one of my room mates came home drunk and starts beating on his GF in my kitchen. I came out of my room with my pepper spray, and saw this guy pinning her down with a headlock, and beating her head on the counter top, and punching her in the head. I yelled "HEY", he looked at me and I pepper sprayed him to make him drop his GF, he then came at me, I took him down to the ground and wrestled with him till he was begging me to let him go. His GF starts hitting me in the head at this point, I just saved her from getting beat and this is the thanks I get? I throw him off of me, and lock myself into my room, call 911, and load my gun. Just then, SHE kicks my door down and starts calling me a snitch for calling the police, I told her to get out of my room before someone gets shot. They grabbed their 2 year old son, and left just as the police showed up. Later on, she gives some bullshit story that they were never fighting, and that I sprayed them for no reason, then she changes the story to, "He was probably restraining me because I get crazy and beat on him"

This guy treats the little kid as if he's a thug off the streets, not like a 2 year old child, and he always thinks he has to prove himself, and try to be top dog when he knows he's not.

My question is, why would someone stay with a guy like this? it's not like she can't get help.

A few theories I have is that she saw her mom get beat up when she was young so she considers this acceptable behavior, or, she craves the attention of being abused by this guy, or has this guy lowered her self esteem so low, she can't see herself with a better guy?

I would like some input on this, has anyone been a domestic violence victim? If so, how did you handle it?

[LILJIM]

Cops will tell you "We hate calls where a couple are fighting." The same thing will happen; you go to take one & the other jumps in. All of the things you mentioned can be true. It's in their family history; & they don't feel good enough; & if they do get help promises of change will make them go back. Then after it gets even worse lots of time with "You ever leave again I'll kill you!".

[square_duck]

As with most any other type of behavior, abuse is learned from home experience. Both people probably came from abusive homes and essentially, it's all they know. Women particularly stay in abusive relationships because they think or believe that the abuser can be 'fixed' or they don't 'mean' to be that way etc....many stay one day to long and end up dead by the description you gave,, had you not broken up the fight, she could have been badly injured or even killed..or injured enough to be hospitalized.

Most of it is learned, as kids are very perceptive and pick up even the most subtle of behaviors from parents and others around them.

People in this kind of situation don't (or can't or won't) see things the way they are, but live in a delusional world where everything they do is "normal" and the rest of the world is screwed up. It also sounds like the lady is suffering from a form of "Stockholm syndrome" where she comes to the aid and defense of the person who may very well have tried to kill her. She believes in him and thinks (wrongly) that he doesn't mean to hurt anyone and will not do her any harm.....if they do move out...you might want to keep an eye on the Obit pages for her name in future editions of the local paper, if they stay together...someone will die...it's that simple.

If they do stay in the same house with you....maybe hide a camera around to catch them fighting and tape it...then show it to them....or the police if they get called again....just to illustrate exactly WTF has been happening, it might save someones life.

Barring that, either they or you need to find a new place to live, when abuse rises to a level of excessive physical violence....to the point that you fear for your safety and well being...someone has to go.

Personally I'd be outta there in a split second with that kind of crap happening, but everyone has to make their own decisions and choices.

Thats not a healthy environment for anyone.

Take care of yourself....be careful... and maybe start looking for someplace safer and more peaceful.

[Guest]

I just want to say that when I was about 3 or 4, I saw my mom get beat up once, the cops took his ass to jail, and I didn't see him again til divorce court, then never again after that, I grew up thinking that's the right thing to do. I for one could never bring myself to hit a woman(spanking her butt doesn't count )

As far as me moving out, I'm standing my ground on this one, I do plan on moving, but only after this piece of shit is put in his proper place.

I know the GF wants to do good, but it's not going to happen with this guy around. She needs to think of the well being of the kid, that should be her first priority.

[Daddy Fred]

Baby Smokey, your experience is classic, just as classic as her reaction to you interfering between them. The people you describe in your story do not think or emote in the usual vanilla way. They are "conflict orientated" people, to be found anywhere and everywhere. These kind of people have been conflict orientated since infancy, as is the 2y/o you mention being so orientated right now. History repeats itself.

Is it sad? YES! Can the likes of us do anything about it? NO! Do we get involved? NO!

Do we get someone else involved, like police? YES! -- but keep quiet about it if you're living next door, you need to protect yourself against such people.

I've often though that humankind, once the thin veneer of civilization is brushed away (like by alcohol) reveals what's underneath. And that's sobering. Underneath there is the chimpanzee/ape/primate we came from not very long ago.

Daddy Fred.

[Bettypooh]

....I've often though that humankind, once the thin veneer of civilization is brushed away (like by alcohol) reveals what's underneath. And that's sobering. Underneath there is the chimpanzee/ape/primate we came from not very long ago.

Daddy Fred.

What an interesting concept- thanks for giving me something deep to ponder today

I knew a couple who went over a decade in a physically abusive relationship It went both ways, according to who got drunk the quickest (Maybe that really isn't funny- IDK) Finally the hospital ER staff told her that if she came back again they were going to file charges against him themselves Even that stark message only lessened things a bit- she eventually ended up going to other hospitals when he hurt her badly, or not going at all Her arm is still crooked where the broken bone was never set Finally they split up. They really loved each other and the divorce really broke both their hearts- but they knew it had to end, and thereafter neither one hurt another person physically so at least the ending was better for the rest of us. It took total heartbreak for either of them to learn the lesson.

The bottom line is that you can't help anyone who doesn't want to be helped The best thing you can do is do let them learn as fast as they are capable of, without getting yourself hurt in the doing. Know that it's not your fault and that you did what was truly right, even if you could have done things differently. Many things in life are simply beyond our control and this is just another one of them

Bettypooh

[Guest lilme]

Wow that is insane.

I used to work with this girl who was constantly fighting physically with her husband. They both always had black eyes and he'd be all scratched up and stuff. He came up to the store (convenience store) one day half in the bag, and tried to start shit with her. I had to toss him out and call the cops. I was twice this guy's size and had little problem "escorting" him out (I literally threw him through the door and onto the curb), but my heart was pounding in my ears the whole time, I was scared witless.

A man who would beat on a woman is capable of anything, that makes me nervous. It wasn't right that she was beating the snot out of him either. I don't believe in violence either way. They were both in the wrong. And I flat out told her she was crazy for staying with him. I could see in her eyes she knew the situation wasn't right. She was a really nice young girl. They had a newborn too. Just think of that poor kid's nightmare world.

Well that was off topic, my appologies. Point is, I don't know why they stay together. The first time I ever get hit, I hit the road jack... and I don't come back.

~lilme

*edited for grammer

[Diapered Jason]

Whenever I think about these kinds of situations I remember an old tool song "H".

I am too connected to you to

Slip away, to fade away

Days away I still feel you

Touching me, changing me,

And considerately killing me

Apparently, the author of the song was abused by his father during his childhood and as a result feels like lashing out at his wife or son or is at least afraid of repeating what his father did to him, but I do not think he actually has abused his wife or son. Definitely a very deep meaning for a song.

[sarah_ab]

my immediate reaction to this was for the safety of the child ... go to a pay phone and make a report of abuse if you fear their anger may be taken out on the child and not just physically.... reports to child protective services can be made anonymously....

my second reaction was this poor girl.... she needs someone to take her away from that situation for a good long time and just keep "pounding it into her" (no pun intended) that she is better than the treatment she receives and she can make it without a man in her life....

i see women who time after time return to abusive men .... one woman was in a coma for ten days after he took a CAR battery to her skull.... and when he got out of jail she was right back with him.... because she "didnt deserve no nice guy" as she put it....

years of being told in both words and actions that you cant survive without a man or that you are 'trash' and somehow deserved what yougot..... and yes the fear of what he will do to you if you do call the cops.... all of that contributes to staying ....

but also there is as daddy fred said those who thrive on conflict and drama ....

as i said though is make sure the child is safe.... if you feel they are not then please call child protective services and give a report ....

[Rihanna]

First off, this is not about me, or someone I care about, but I hope the information discussed will help someone else.....

Agreed, there are some strange relationships out there. I personally know of two or three.

Addressing your friend; If it's your apartment, order them out & change the locks. If it's multiple names on the contract, team up w/the others to get him removed or you move out & notify the landlord to remove your name. (Might be stuck until end of lease.)

Pepper spray doesn't always work, especially on someone high on drugs.

Keep your hand gun cocked, locked & loaded and on you at all times!!! If you have a carry permit, "don't leave home without it!" Make sure you know your state laws are on concealed and open carry. Michigan is an "open carry" state along w/being a "stand your ground law." That means if one is somewhere they have a legal right to be, they can use up to fatal firearm return to "end the threat." There can still be "glitches," so again, know your local & state gun laws.

Get a good quality voice recorder and keep concealed w/easy access to the on switch. There are also good quality but cheap video cams. I think one popular one is called "flip" for around $100.

If you're really paranoid like some of my friends, you should get an "app" to send everything to a remote location. That way, if the cops search your phone, (illegal, BTW,)they won't find anything they could delete.

Going a bit off tangent; NEVER, EVER TALK TO THE COPS, other than the "name, rank, & serial number." IOW, driver's license, insurance, registration, and in some states, the permit to carry.

Where you are going or coming from is none of their business and is protected under the 4th & 5th amendments.

DO NOT EVER consent to a search of your vehicle!! Make them get a warrant, citing RAS.. You may think it's "clean," but unless you're the only one who's ever been in it, you have no idea what family & friends may have left behind. I have several cop friends on another forum that have stated they have pulled people over for minor violations and/or "fix it" tickets. The detainees ran their mouths from the point where they would have been let go w/a warning have been charged with simple misdemeanor and elevated it to a 5yr felony

Cops have no obligation to tell "us" the truth. They can lie, twist things, etc with no repercussions to get convictions. If we don't give the absolute truth, even for something as simple as mixing up things like being John Q K Smith, but you somehow reversed it to John K Q Smith on a piece of paperwork, they can nail one w/a 5yr felony for lying.

[lilJester]

I have seen this line of bullshit before. It sickens me and i sit wondering the same thing about why would they even stay with them? But there area few reasons. the mental issues that have already been stated, but some stay out of fear. If their guy or girl is that bad when together, what would happen if they tried to leave? Also there is the kids. Some people stay together becasue of the fact they have kids but don't realize that staying together could actually make things harder on the kid. Kids feed off their parents emotions, if the parents are always unhappy, and angry, chances are the kid isn't going to be very happy. Plus the constant fighting sends a bad message to the kid. Remember kids learn more about life from at home than they do in school.

anywho that is just my 2 cents.

[Dirty Diaper/Maxipad Lover]

Listen to what Sarah_AB said about the child. In my state child services can remove a child simply because they suspect abuse. "Burden of proof" lies on the parent/legal guardian to prove that the child is safe here. Your state may be different in this regard though. However, as Sarah noted, calls to child services are anonymous. Even if you made the call from your place of employment, or somewhere else, child services will not trace the call back to you.

You have a gun, use it responsibly. If your state requires a "concealed carry" permit, obtain one, quickly! Make it clear that you feel that your life is in danger from your two roommates behavior, and that you need a "concealed carry" permit, in the event that you should have to defend yourself. Because there's a child involved, you need to take extra precautions with your gun. Store the gun and the ammo in separate locations. Make sure that neither of your roommates know where those locations are. If possible, keep the gun on you at all times, even if you don't have any ammo. (This way your roommates can't use it to shoot each other when you're not around.) An empty gun that appears loaded (or is loaded with blanks) can be just as threatening as a gun that's actually loaded. Again, remember that there's a child involved, and extra precaution needs to be taken if you think you may have to shoot.

Purchase a cheap recording device. It should be something that you can easily conceal. It doesn't have to be some fancy broadcast-quality device either, and it actually shouldn't be. All it has to do is be able to document the domestic abuse in your apartment. A video recording device could be a $100 dollar investment that saves a life. The last iPod Nano with a "clickwheel" is what I'd recommend. (Buy one used.) This way, you can pop headphones into it, make it look like you're listening to music, aim your iPod at domestic abuse event, get enough evidence, and then call the cops from a safe location. Mention what happened the last time you called when you call again, and that you have proof of the abuse. Invest in a cheap audio recorder as well, again $100-200 to save a few lives is a worthwhile investment. Keep the audio recorder concealed, make sure you can access the record button with the device in your pocket or out of sight. If you can't get video, you'll at least be able to record (muffled) audio. Modern voice recorders are easy to conceal and can pick up a good amount of sound, even when they're concealed. These are your best weapons in this situation, even better then your gun. Irrefutable proof of a domestic abuse situation can quickly ensure that your roommates are spending the night in a cell.

I should probably point out why I recommended the last iPod Nano with a clickwheel over the Flip! Although the Flip! has slightly better video quality, it's designed specifically to take video, and an occasional (low quality) still picture. It's a bit larger then the iPod Nano, which makes it a bit harder to conceal. The iPod Nano on the other hand is designed to do more then just take video, so it's a lot easier to conceal what you're doing when you're trying to record something like a domestic abuse event.

I don't know what police in your area do, but in my area, when a domestic abuse situation is reported, the police show up with their sirens silenced. They conceal their vehicles, and usually anywhere from three to five cars will respond to a domestic abuse case. The reason police hate these, is because they're incredibly dangerous, as you yourself have found out. The abuser may stop attacking his or her victim and attack a cop instead. When a cop attempts to restrain the abuser, the abuse victim may also attempt to attack a cop. If there's a gun involved, the incident could turn into a firefight.

Whatever you do, be careful. Get the child away from your roommates, and then get out of the situation yourself, as you've said that you intend to do. I can only hope that things work out for you, but your safety, and the safety of the child should be top priority.

[BBB]

Every bit of advice you gave concerning guns was completely stupid.

Why would you store guns and ammo in separate locations? So in the heartbeat instance you need them you can bolt to two different locations obtain them, load the magazine or revolver, chamber a round and then fire? That right there would show the DA's office that you had plenty of time to retreat, or remove yourself from the situation. Returning to an event with a firearm after leaving is absolute stupidity. And sure, some states have no retreat clauses, and great castle doctrines. They're awesome. But if you retreat to get a fire arm, you might have a problem since you've now escalated the situation.

2. Never EVER is an unloaded firearm worth a damn because you shouldn't ever EVER point a gun, or brandish one, at some thing you don't intend to kill.

Too many damn irresponsible gun owners on this board try to give half ass advice that they think is sound. Too many irresponsible gun owners who think brandishing their shotgun is the right solution to the wrong problem. Killing some one for words, loud music, driving erratically... All piss poor reasons.

If you can afford a gun, you should be able to afford a safe.

I keep 3 handguns in 3 different vline top-drawer safes. Enough for a gun plus two extra magazines but If you can't hit your target in less than 3 shots though, better just keep a cell phone handy cause all you're gonna be doing is putting holes in your neighbor's house, or your neighbors.

Stop being idiot gun owners, stop thinking your gun is the solution to every confrontation, and use a little bit of intelligence when determining what situations you put yourself in.