Torn Between My Dad And Boyfriend...

[Guest Amphetamenace]

Hi DD.

Its been a while.

Im 18, and I recently left my life behind. I had three jobs, a set of wheels, a college education, and I was army bound. But I also had a miserable life and couldn't wake up to face another day. To make a long story short, it was mom issues. But not anything ordinary. One night it all came to a head and things got physical. It ended with me dialing the police on my mother. I didn't tell them about the physical altercations we had, but, they saw that I was 18, trapped in a miserable life, and they heard out my situation. Instead of getting eyerolls like I thought I would, they actually suggested (I refused it at first) an administration crisis team to come out and relocate me.

I was on the phone with my boyfriend when they rolled up. They told me to phone my friends, family, co-workers, practically anyone with available living space. The last on the list was my boyfriend. I call him, and he hands the phone over to his parents (He's underage so he's still living with them- 16). Before I could finish explaining my situation, his mother told me to "Chill out," and asked his father if I could stay. Lo and behold, 2 hours later, their truck rolls up infront of my house and I have everything packed.

So I leave, I'm between the border of Pennsylvania and Maryland and this past week has been nothing but old trucks, country music, rock n roll, and driving through the country, but I love it. Not to mention, my lovely baby (my boyfriend), who I spend time with constantly (Even though I'm a mommy, I haven't got around to babying him yet, but he still lets me take care of him). I always rub his head as he falls asleep, make him breakfast and things of the sort.

Things were going great today, until I get a call in the afternoon. My father, who've I've known all my life, has never cried to my knowledge. He was sniffling and he denied it as allergies. I went to a private room in the house and when I asked him again he said, "I just miss you so much, Kelly." The rest of the conversation, he fought tears, and I just feel like a terrible person.

I told my dad it's just a break to get things financially squared away. I was paying for a car (NOT titled in my name, ITS SOLD and I have to buy a new one, but the insurance policy was overpriced) and tuition, and my money was just simply getting sucked out of my pocket. Here, they don't charge rent, and they're constantly on the lookout for places for me to work. Not to mention, I haven't faced a day of abuse or misery but there is some depression. I left my dad behind, and I love him.

I know it was long, but it means a lot to me that you read it. I'd love some advice or support because this is a really hard patch in my life right now.

What should I do? Did I do the right thing?

I have some hard feelings towards my mom, but my dad has always been sticking up for me and protecting me since I've been in diapers (figure of speech, diapers have nothing to do with this lol). He's a great man. I feel I really hurt him by leaving...

[BBB]

How are you 18 with a college education?

[Guest Amphetamenace]

How are you 18 with a college education?

I graduated high school when I was seventeen, and I turned 18 during my first semester of college.

Did you read past the first paragraph? Or did you come on here to judge?

[Guest little_jonny]

it sounds like you need a long break from the whole fighting issue. tell your dad that you truely do love him, but you need a break from your mom and the fighting, you need the fresh air and time to clear your mind as long as you can. maybe you can try and visit him when you can when you have time to talk things out. if you want to chat more feel free to send me a pm

[Rockies Fan in Diapers]

Hi There,

That sounds like a tough position you're in, & I can also understand the 'loyalty factor' that it sounds like you're feeling which I can relate to in regards to my mother. First & Foremost, you have to do what is best for you, not someone else first. I would ask which of the two options has a happier ending for you? If its going back to your Dad, then do that. If its better for you & your well being to stay where you're at then do that. I would also suggest that if you decide to stay with your boyfriend, Call or get together with your Dad if you can, & explain why you have to do what you chose & tell him that its nothing personal, but that you're just doing what's best for you. Hope this Helps, & Good Luck,

Rockies Fan. Go Rockies in 2011!

[D_Rainger]

Dealing with emotional parents is difficult. I was happy to leave home and have never regretted it. Sure it has been a struggle, but what I have has been through the work of my own hands. My own children have returned on occasion but I am proud to say that once they were on their feet again, they left. That is the natural course of life.

-DR

[BBB]

I mostly came to judge.... But a semester of college doesn't really make you "college educated"

If you were "army bound" you already had plans to move out, you just accelerated it... Stick with your plan.

[happyindprs]

I think the main issue here is not whether your Father loves you but that there was abuse in your home with your Mom. I think you did the right thing by getting out of an abusive relationship as no one needs or deserves that in their life. What exactly is the relationship between your parents as it sounds like Mom rules the roost. If your Mom was abusing you, your Father has a duty to step in and protect you.

Like others have said, you did the right thing by leaving, to get a fresh start and be on your own so to speak where people are kind to you. I don't doubt that your Father loves you but I also think that you are not the one that let him down, sounds like he let you down considering the situation you had with your Mom. Stay the course and stay strong. Find comfort with your boyfriend and his family and keep in touch with Dad. Things have a way of working out for the best in time.

[sarah_ab]

no matter the age or the circumstances almost everyone has difficulty leaving 'home' behind, whether it be the physical structure, or the people there, or the smells of the fresh cut grass in the morning.

Eventually you were going to have to leave your father and strike out on your own, it just didn't happen the way either of you imagined i'm sure. However, moving out does not mean you can never see him. And perhaps he was being 'abused' by your mother just as you were, and having you there let him know he was not alone.

I would suggest setting up a weekly lunch date with him, and on another day a weekly phone call. Let him know you are not gone from his life, you are just striking out on your own as all children eventually do.

And if you are able talk with him, let him know he can leave her too if she is being abusive to him. He doesn't have to admit it, just maybe let him know if he feels he needs to strike out on his own you won't judge him for it. Many men stay in abusive relationships because they are afraid of the judgement they would receive from friends and family, if they knew the 'man' of the household was being abused... physically, or emotionally....

but you did was you needed to do. I stayed in an abusive relationship with my mother until i was 22, and that was far too long, but i felt stuck, and did not have the supports you clearly have.... when i finally got out, it was very hard, very very hard... but thankfully i was living with a friend and his family who were there for me, who stuck by me, and supported me and were more of a family to me than my family ever was.

Things will improve.... and day by day you and your dad will begin to realize being apart does not mean being alone... you will always be able to see each other, to spend time with each other, and to only be a phone call away.

[Skeet]

I agree with everything they said in the above. I'm sure the DD community will support you, along with giving advice as everyone so far has and you have my support as well. There's not really much advice from me that can be taken, but it does sound like you did the right thing. If you would like to talk some more just send a message and Ill do my best to advise you or whatever. We could just talk. *shrugs* Anyways good luck with whatever you decide.

[Mischa]

Hi DD.

Its been a while.

Im 18, and I recently left my life behind. I had three jobs, a set of wheels, a college education, and I was army bound. But I also had a miserable life and couldn't wake up to face another day. To make a long story short, it was mom issues. But not anything ordinary. One night it all came to a head and things got physical. It ended with me dialing the police on my mother. I didn't tell them about the physical altercations we had, but, they saw that I was 18, trapped in a miserable life, and they heard out my situation. Instead of getting eyerolls like I thought I would, they actually suggested (I refused it at first) an administration crisis team to come out and relocate me.

I was on the phone with my boyfriend when they rolled up. They told me to phone my friends, family, co-workers, practically anyone with available living space. The last on the list was my boyfriend. I call him, and he hands the phone over to his parents (He's underage so he's still living with them- 16). Before I could finish explaining my situation, his mother told me to "Chill out," and asked his father if I could stay. Lo and behold, 2 hours later, their truck rolls up infront of my house and I have everything packed.

So I leave, I'm between the border of Pennsylvania and Maryland and this past week has been nothing but old trucks, country music, rock n roll, and driving through the country, but I love it. Not to mention, my lovely baby (my boyfriend), who I spend time with constantly (Even though I'm a mommy, I haven't got around to babying him yet, but he still lets me take care of him). I always rub his head as he falls asleep, make him breakfast and things of the sort.

Things were going great today, until I get a call in the afternoon. My father, who've I've known all my life, has never cried to my knowledge. He was sniffling and he denied it as allergies. I went to a private room in the house and when I asked him again he said, "I just miss you so much, Kelly." The rest of the conversation, he fought tears, and I just feel like a terrible person.

I told my dad it's just a break to get things financially squared away. I was paying for a car (NOT titled in my name, ITS SOLD and I have to buy a new one, but the insurance policy was overpriced) and tuition, and my money was just simply getting sucked out of my pocket. Here, they don't charge rent, and they're constantly on the lookout for places for me to work. Not to mention, I haven't faced a day of abuse or misery but there is some depression. I left my dad behind, and I love him.

I know it was long, but it means a lot to me that you read it. I'd love some advice or support because this is a really hard patch in my life right now.

What should I do? Did I do the right thing?

I have some hard feelings towards my mom, but my dad has always been sticking up for me and protecting me since I've been in diapers (figure of speech, diapers have nothing to do with this lol). He's a great man. I feel I really hurt him by leaving...

I too had it almost all set for getting my life on a fast-track--great job full-time at walmart, apartment two blocks away, then it all unraveled in the span of a week. I went from a 40-hour job to unemployed in a real dick move by my managers (those morons got payback, the guy they hired lasted TWO WEEKS!). I lost my job on Wednesday at noon, and by Sunday at 5PM, I was homeless. I saw an entire eight-week plan that would have had me in my own apartment evaporate in a cloud of dust. Had it not been for Restlessfox committing suicide earlier in July, I would have likely made another attempt on my own life, however since I saw how deeply affected one of me and Restlessfox's friends was impacted, it snapped me out of that train of thought.

Take it from someone who was in an abusive living situation with his parent, got out (went to a homeless shelter for a few months trying to jumpstart my life, no job prospects, then they told me I was gonna be kicked out, in DECEMBER in WISCONSIN!) I had no choice really but to go back to my mom's. It has calmed down to about a 7/10, she suspects (and rightly so) that the next time she touches me she is going to jail in the back of a squad car no matter what. I'm 21 years old and I don't give a shit who she is, I give NOBODY the right to strike me. I am derided daily, that I want to eat healthier is ignored when copious amounts of food are plated for me, and I do not have the strength to clean up the cyclone left after my mother cooks to then go back and cook my own meals. I have a very small flesh-and-blood support net. I have two very good emotional support from two members I met here on DD, one is like a brother to me, the other is my girlfriend and fiancee, however my 'brother' lives several states away, and my girlfriend lives in Australia.

The moral of my story, if you can get out, STAY OUT! Don't fall for the crocodile tears, my mother did the same damn thing the weeks leading up to me moving back, saying she'd changed and this and that. She hadn't, she's still a screaming bitch. Maybe though, I'm just jaded by all the crap I've been through.

[Dirty Diaper/Maxipad Lover]

My own mother qualifies as what I'd consider a "disruptive force" within my household, so I know where you're coming from Amphetamenace. My father and I get along just fine, and his anger is justified. (If I dealt with what he deals with at work, I'd be angry too.) Here's the thing though, keeping my mother and I together is like throwing oil on a grease fire. One of my friends summed things up perfectly, and other people have agreed, including my maternal Grandmother whom my mother is currently caring for regularly for the time being: My mother and I have been "going at it" since before I was in high school. I went to college, graduated with high honors twice, (once from a community college and once from a University,) and generally mellowed out. My mother on the other hand used the same time to go even more batshit-crazy paranoid then she was before. My father and I tolerate her but aren't above having her committed if she goes off the deep-end in a way that is damaging to others rather then purely annoying. My younger sibling occasionally seems to express similar sentiments, but the aforementioned sibling is also on better terms with my mother then I am. Here's the thing though: My younger sibling is moving out again in the fall to get a Master's degree and can count the days until my mother is no longer a daily annoyance.

If I were in your shoes Amphetamenace, I honestly wouldn't return home. Your mother may claim she's changed, and may even give you a speech about how she's changed. The first few days or weeks will seem fine, but she'll quickly go back to the way she was before. My mother always acts like she's changed but that act lasts two days, then she's back to whining and complaining about everything and getting on everyone's nerves. I've had friends who have far more abusive and controlling mothers then my own, who I can at least stand up to and ignore most of the time. Contrast that to my girlfriend whose mother practically has her wrapped around her finger like a puppet, and whose father is a complete and total dick in every way possible, and who makes my girlfriend's mother look like "the sane one." My girlfriend loves her mother, and does exactly what she asks, even when it's definitely not in her best interest, but she has no problem treating her father as if he were dead since he basically ignores her existence as well, and is essentially the reason her middle brother has no self-esteem at all.

My girlfriend's middle brother is actually considering moving in with his Grandmother, and here's the reason why: He's sick of living with his father who treats him like crap, and sick of sharing a room with his younger brother whose in high school and going through that phase all people go through where they're completely obnoxious to be around. Naturally, his mother doesn't want him to leave, but she knows that the decision is his, and he needs to do what's right for him. (And I will give my girlfriend credit for at least enforcing that stance with her mother, even if she might not want to hear it.)

In an abusive household, the best thing to do is to get out, and to stay out. My best friend tried living with her mother again after college, that lasted about three days before the two of them were constantly at each others throats. My best friend moved out and has made an effort to avoid living with her mother ever again, and her other best friend is in a similar situation. While my mother certainly isn't nearly as problematic as your mother, or my friends' mothers, I do understand the type of situation that you're dealing with. (My mother's an annoyance, but she's ultimately harmless, unlike my girlfriend's mother who sucks the life out of her and sends her into a spiral of depression while controlling her at the same time.) Trust me, if you're out and with your boyfriend, it's best not to go back home.

As for your father, let him know that you love him, but you cannot live with your mother, and you need to do what's best for you. Set aside some time when you and your father can visit once or twice a week, maybe have lunch or catch a movie, or do something special together. That way you'll still have some time with your Dad, but you won't have to put up with your Mom. It sounds like your boyfriend's parents are far more helpful and supportive then your mother was, and your living environment is better then it was at home. While I can understand not wanting to leave your father, I would hope that he could understand and respect your decision, and the two of you could still visit each other so you wouldn't always be apart. At worst, call him once in awhile, and let him call you, preferably when he's not with your mother.

Finally, as others have stated, you were preparing to enter the military, which effectively meant you'd be moving out anyway. All that's happened is that you've moved out sooner then you planned to, and not in the way that you planned to. But if you're no longer in a physically abusive environment, that's what's most important. Trust me, the worst thing my girlfriend did was move back in with her parents. She was happy and upbeat when she was in college, as well as when she graduated. Within a year of returning home I watched her spiral back down into depression, denying her mother's involvement, but I could see that her mother was controlling her again and causing my girlfriend's depression, even if she doesn't know it. In sum, going back to an abusive parent/home will only lead to more pain and suffering, even if there's one parent who you do love and who isn't abusive. That parent should understand and respect your decision, but you should be able to spend some time alone with that parent as well.

I'm truly sorry about your situation Amphetamenace, but trust me you don't want to move back home, not given the circumstances you've described.

[Bettypooh]

it sounds like you need a long break from the whole fighting issue. tell your dad that you truely do love him, but you need a break from your mom and the fighting, you need the fresh air and time to clear your mind as long as you can. maybe you can try and visit him when you can when you have time to talk things out. if you want to chat more feel free to send me a pm

Ditto this You're at a point where you need to start living your own life. It's kind of scary not knowing what lies ahead and who is going to be with you on the journey, but that's life in a nutshell and we all have to go through it You may have to make arrangements to see your Dad without your Mom being involved if you want to do that. At this point I'd advise avoiding your Mom. I think that in time you might be able to patch that relationship up, but for now it's just an extra burden on you that you don't need to be dragging along with you as you go forward with your life. What you need now is a bit of breathing room and some time to decide how you want to proceed

I'm very glad you got out without landing on the streets alone. Remember those who helped you with that and what they've done for you Be brave and be smart, and everything will work out in the end. Life isn't utopia- it's what you make of it mixed in with fate and luck. Look at it that way and decisions become a lot easier to make Learn to rely on yourself and set up your life so that you can do whatever you need to achieve your goals. We're here for you cheering you on

Bettypooh

[Dill_Pickle]

As others have said, it was time to leave the house. It is now time to stay away from the house, especially your mother. That is part of growing up. Don't be too surprised if you find yourself upset for no apparent reason...and don't return to the house under *ANY* circumstances. You need to keep your mother out of your life, or something bad will happen, and you don't want to be involved.

My shrink once told me how lucky I was to have gotten out of an abusive situation, as she was talking to so many others that could not bring themselves to leave them. As others have said, your dad may be in that situation, and you should go see him if he misses you, but make sure your BF knows where you are.

My mother also once complained how parents and now-adult children (not in an abuse context, in a simple growing up context) tended to fall back into patterns that were appropriate when the children were teenagers....be aware of that trap.

[tcc]

Kelly, we've traded thoughts before. I'm surprised to see you come to this site for advice in this regard, but I have a hunch you got a lot of good input before, and came to know a lot of the members here are pretty solid - um, not ALL, BTW, LOL - in sincerity, concern and empathy.

The support has been along the lines of empathy. Only you can decide where you want to be - and stick to that decision. You really can't waffle. If you "go for it", out on your own, you force yourself to make it. And, having come to know you, I know you WILL make it.

I'm concerned that your boyfriend is a minor, while you are a legal adult. That is another issue. Your father is using guilt to keep you close, perhaps as a buffer to help shield himself from your mother. That you and she were at odd's ends with each other isn't so abnormal or odd, but I don't know the whole story. And, disagreement between child and parents, especially as the child is into their teens and closing in on adulthood, is almost to be expected. I'm sorry to see you unhappy, but I hate to see you used as a shield, and be kept that way by guilt. Love is fine - for your father - but you do have a life to live, and he has to make decisions about his life with her, too. Using another person to facilitate one's own life can be destructive to that other person.

I would suggest the book, "Toxic Parents - Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life" by Susan Forward. My ex-wife SO needed the book, as does my secretary, but pride and denial kept them both from reading the book and understanding what power a parent has to control and raise up or destroy their child in their upbringing. Sometimes parents don't even realize the destruction they can cause because they themselves have never properly dealt with what baggage THEY bring along from THEIR childhood!

My ex filed for divorce, not because of my DL side/life/world - though she used it against me in the divorce - but because I "didn't make her happy"? What? WTF? Oh, and this was the "Ice Princess" that learned her craft from the ultimate "Ice Queen", may God NOT rest her soul...

Be advised that when we are younger, life, no matter how well planned, and no matter what road is taken, can long be in a state of flux and transition. If you can fight to keep yourself from being sucked back into a bad situation - all around, as Dad is not helping you, though keeping open communication with him is fine - and continue to tread water for now, while continuing to keep your focus and lay out an itinerary to shoot for, YOU, of those I've met here, WILL find your way.

I only hope that the support you get will be helpful, and all advice considered will be good.

One thing I hope doesn't happen here it that, in some cases, not every bit of advice is taken. Since we are all human, and alike, with similar problems, the advice can be only worth what you paid for it! And, I think it's more like an A.A. group - there's no real leader, but it's the "fellowship" that makes all the difference in a member's continuing recovery...

Best to you, Kiddo!