Suggestions

[M 90]

Alright its that time again and I have found myself in a relationship with a awesome woman and would like some suggestions on how to tell her about me being AB/DL

I ain't a rookie at telling a signficant other about my fetish but this time its different because this is the first woman I have been with who has a child. She has a 2 year old son. I am pretty confident that she would accept me and not think any differently of me if I told her but I am just scared to death of her thinking I am some pedophile and that I may put her son in danger. God, it would fucking suck if she went that route with it. We have been nothing but honest with eachother and she knows everything about me except this fetish. I have talked with my therapist about this situation and she gave me some helpful suggestions. I am just curious about what you guys have to say about this scenerio to help prepare me for when I actually do go through with it.

Thanx, you all kick ass!

[Crimson_Wolf]

Well with her having a child and people that give this fetish a bad name with us being called pedophiles you should tread carefully. Just generalize with her and ask if she has any fantasies or is into any fetishes.

[sarah_ab]

OK for the love of christ and all things holy.... and this is in caps, not direct at just the op but everyone

NORMAL PEOPLE DO NOT AUTOMATICALLY RELATE THIS TO PEDOPHILIA UNTIL STUPID ABDLS MENTION THAT THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH KIDS. YOU ARE THE ONE PUTTING THE IDEA IN THEIR HEAD...

there so when telling someone youi like diapers, theres no need to go into this whole 'i swear its not about kids' that makes it seem liek it IS about kids and youa re just trying to justify to someone that its not... why is there even a need to mention it? i mean seriously, having a child or not, i've never ever ever met someone who hears adults wearing diapers for fun and automatically says "ohh i bet they are a pedophile"

so wil everyone just stop with this whole "everyone will think i'm a pedophile' thing, because from what i've seen WE are the only ones making this connection!

[Sophie ♥]

there so when telling someone youi like diapers, theres no need to go into this whole 'i swear its not about kids' that makes it seem liek it IS about kids and youa re just trying to justify to someone that its not

Defensiveness is to cover up something 9 times of 10.

However, I disagree with saying they don't associate the two. I do recommend, like Sarah says, not to mention kids straight out, because it does plant an idea. But they still might voice a concern about the relevance of children. Erica did it when I first told her.

So although I agree you shouldn't mention children when telling anyone about your fetish, I think it's a little naive to assume they'd never make that connection on their own.

-Sophie

[Total Trash]

I strongly agree with sarah_ab's advice from a similar thread that came up recently:

ok yes thank you that makes sense to me, if i were not aware of this and heard 'i like diapers' my first thought would be either elderly people, handicapped people, and/or infants/toddlers.

I guess in my mind when someone is telling someone about being a dl they would say "i like to wear diapers" but i see what you are saying.... I just for hte life of me couldn't figure it out. For me, when i was asked "what fetish" i said, i'm into age play scenarios. I suggest using this for people who are ab's... age play scenarios, tells the person 1. its not real for the individual (as in 'real children') 2. its play and so that doens't mean they are going to be doing it all the time and when an adult says play in that conversation it often implies in private.... and scenarioes means it could be many different ages... and theres no need to elaborate on what ages unless the person asks...

if they say whats that '' i have said, is when i role play as a girl much younger and my partner plays as my father/teacher/babysitter etc... honestly, most people arent going to need much more and some may say "do you wear diapers" to which just answer honesetly, if you are comfortable with yourself, and come across that way, and just say "yeah sometimes" the person is more likely to drop it.

Instead of "I like diapers," say "I like to wear diapers" or "I like ageplay." If it's not a sexual thing for you, you can throw that in as well if it'll put you more at ease. You can elaborate on it however you like and answer any questions she might have for you, but that's really all you have to say. As was said previously, being defensive will only make it seem like you consider what you're doing wrong. Most people respond much more positively when you just say what you have to say and not try to anticipate and respond to their reactions before they've even had a chance to speak their minds.

I applaud you for bringing this up now, as opposed to after you've been together for some time. I'm a big proponent of full disclosure to anyone you plan to spend your foreseeable future with; otherwise things can get much more complicated later on. Even if it causes you to break up, you'll know that had you not been honest and pursued your relationship further, your life together would be fraught with tension over the issue. In my opinion at least, there's no reason to stay in a relationship with someone you have unresolvable issues with.

[Dougie]

Don't be in a big hurry to tell her. She will want to get to know you for who you are because she will need to be able to trust you around her son. Let her get to know you. When you know she has no problem letting you watch her son alone, then you should bring it up. That doesn't mean tell her after she starts asking about moving in together or marriage. That means wait until you know she doesn't consider you a threat to her sons safety. Blurting it out after only being together may scare her off and ruin a good thing for both of you. Take your time and keep your relationship separate from your fetish.

When you feel she trusts you enough to care for her child you can start by asking her about any fetishes or fantasies she would like to try with you. After helping her indulge a bit you can share one of your fantasies with her. Keep it similar in depth to what she asked for. Build on it one step at a time. Each step will build more trust and a new level of comfort with each other. Also, if you let her start that journey first she will know it's about her relationship with you, and not you being a risk to her son.

I used this same approach for a different subject when I was courting my ex. I am an adrenaline freak. I love taking risks. She needed to know I would be there for her and her kids. I worked on the relationship for about a year and slowly introduced her to some of the things I liked doing, and she was willing to try most things if I didn't push her too fast. I'm not married anymore for reasons other than my need for adrenaline.

I helped raise two wonderful kids that love and trust me. I was never a risk to the kids. That was the number one priority to her.

[dl_ashlee]

Hum, certainly pharsing can be very important. Though I am not sure if it would be better to say just I like wearing diapers or maybe something like I enjoy of the comfort of wearing diapers. Maybe something like Sometimes I like to relax by wearing diapers. I think diapers should certainly be the last word as once someone hears diaper they are probably not going to hear the rest of what you are saying.

Lol, maybe something like... I like to sometimes reduce the stress of the day by wearing diapers.

Even if you do enjoy them sexually I think it would make it a little bit less shocking by making it about stress relief or comfort or something about how they make you feel when you are in them. Then if they ask about if it is sexual then you talk to them about that part. Specially with a kid the less sexual you make it out to be the better.

[Marcuss]

When i told my other i referred them to the wiki sites about infantilism and abdl then had a question answer to get what im about more specifically. as for the pedifucktards they should be castrated and bled to death i wont even mention it as abdl is no closer to that molestation than playing doctor or cross dressing. Hope i am not being too vulgar but really it is irrelevant.

But as for the op You may start things off with wile she is changing the child's diaper something like "lucky them never needing to go to the bathroom" to test the waters..

[M 90]

Thanks for the replies. There has been a lot of great stuff said.

Yeah I am not planning on telling her right away cause I don't feel the time is right, its just that this is the most down ass chic I have met and I see there could be a very happy future here so of course the mind gets spinning and so I just curiously decided to ask for some feedback.

Thanx for that reality check sarah_ab, I often forget how we can be our own worst critics when it comes to being AB/DL. Yeah being a diaper lover is sexual for me but I am not even concerned with that part of it right now, I will just cross that bridge when it comes. I have been working with a therapist for a ahwile now on how being AB/DL individualy effects me. I know now that there is nothing wrong with me and what I do, I know that if this girl were to reject me over it it would most definitely be her loss. I am just hot for this chic and don't want to do anything to fuck this thing up with her so I am just being cautious and attempting to be as prepared as possible for that inevitable day that I tell her. But yeah so far so good, we will see how it unfolds.

[NewGuy20]

Its a tough thing to tell anyone and waiting to build up/develop some trust sounds like a good plan. The good news is that most people have not heard of this fetish so they don't have preconceived notions about it either way.

I don't want to pry but what kind of helpful advice did your psychiatrist give? It could be just as helpful to us on this thread.

[tris]

Those of you who choose to date and/or become involved with people who already have children are morons. Do you really think that because they have a real child that they're totally into baby? If they're anything close to being a good parent, the needs of their child will come first, and I can guarantee you that they're not going to want to perform double diaper duty just because one of you gets a hard on during the process.

You know why your parents wanted you out of the house? Because children significantly hamper your ability to have a normal sexlife, let alone one like ours. Kids grow up, and kids are nosy, and sooner or later, they will find out what you're up to, and whether you tell 'em or not, they're gonna go talk about it to everyone that you'd rather they didn't tell -- including people who can and may further investigate on the welfare of the child.

Fellas, do yourselves a favor and:

STAY AWAY FROM WOMEN WITH CHILDREN -- If they're available to be dating, they've got enough problems already!

Clearly she's not with the father -- okay, that's great -- But unless he's doing life in prison, he's not going to be entirely out of the picture, no matter what she may say. And if this is the case, again, I say walk away because clearly she has shitty taste in men. (Ugh, what's that say about YOU?) It also says she puts out on the first date. Again, a bad omen.

Angela, our resident and de-facto consigliere has said many times that ABDLs should avoid schools, childcare centers, and places that cater specifically to children in order to avoid any potentially negative scenarios. I highly suggest you add to this advice that you avoid dates and mates that have children, despite your relationships with them, for much of the same reason.

@OP: Not all of this is aimed directly at you; you're not the first, and you certainly won't be the last poster here to ask about how to broach the subject when the object of your affection already has children. I just think that it's unfair to all parties involved -- you're placing a cap on how far the two of you can explore this when she has a child. If you're looking for something serious and long-term, you're selling yourself short; just because she loves having a baby now, doesn't mean that she's going to enjoy babying you for any significant length of time once that child has surpassed the baby and toddler stages. Children grow, and their parents grow with them.

There are plenty of fish in the sea; and even if you're on the verge of starving, it's okay to throw a few back no matter how big or shiny they may be.

[curiositykilledthecat]

I always called them damaged goods. I worked with a very cute Jamaican girl and would have made a move however two kids and two different dads put that fire out fast.

[M 90]

New Guy 20: Well its a therapist not a psychiatrist big difference, therapist helps you explore and deal with yourself. Psychiatrist basically listens to your problems to see what hot new Anti-depressant to prescribe you. Since my infantilism is purely sexual, I see a very open minded sex therapist. But the thing here is that I am not planning on telling my girlfriend with expectations of her participating in it, just to be totally honest. Sure I would love to have her mommy me every so often but if I have learned anything from my prior relationship is that I absolutely cannot let my infantilist desires get in the way of a relationship with my significant other. If this is to much of a sacrifice for some of you out there that's fine keep on your path and more power to you (tris). But I have just reached a point in my life where I realized that being afraid of exposing my infantilism kept me a very lonely guy for most my life. And I have learned the more secretive and the more I shame myself for my infantilism the stronger and more powerful it gets because it becomes all I have to fall back onto to temporary cure me of the instinctful need for love, nurturing, comfort and sexual release you know all that good shit that those "normies" get out of there relationships. I AM SO FUCKING SICK AND TIRED OF LETTING MY INFANTILISM DICTATE MY LOVE RELATIONS WITH WOMEN!

So I am just living in the moment here and if the time arises then I am going for it, I am letting her know. I have come a long way in therapy since my split and eventual divorce from my ex-wife for which my un-checked infantilism on my part was a major player in why that relationship fell apart. I don't even know if I will ever have to tell my current girlfriend cause so far I have not had an honest desire to have her baby me, sure I have thought about it but I have learned through work with my therapists, (I have 2 by the way, long story) that in spite myself I have found that I can get many desires met from women now a days that acting out with my infantilism used to provide, except its real with my girlfriend not imagined like when acting out with my infantilism. PLEASE IF SOME OF YOU ARE TAKING THIS AS ME TALKING SHIT ON INFANTILISM YOU ARE WRONG!!! INFANTILISM IS A BEAUTIFUL AND WONDERFUL THING. I am just not sure if I need it anymore, its more along the lines of if I want it in my life anymore. Its like as a result of being honest with myself and my therapists and doing some serious work on myself my infantilism has lost a ton of the power it once had over me, almost to a point where I can control it and it doesn't control me anymore. Sure I still desire a woman to baby me every so often but I just don't think I need it to be happy or satisfied in a relationship, you dig what I am saying? But time will tell and I thank all of you again for your feed back.

And New guy 20: Sorry if this is a let down but after thinking about it the only concrete thing my therapist really told me was that if I tell my girlfriend and she freaks out or has any questions about infantilism to set up a session with her for me and my girlfriend to come in so she, my therapist can have my back to any questions my girlfriend may have.

[M 90]

and damn tris I just re-read your message and I am going to tell you sure, go ahead and be a keyboard warrior and talk as much shit on me as you like but please save some dignity for yourself and leave my girlfriend out of it, you have no idea who my girlfriend is, that's pretty low dude.

You never know man, maybe the mommy of your dreams is a mom herself but because of your absolute fear of dating a woman with kids you will be doomed to never meet her.

[Bettypooh]

When you ask for thoughts don't b!tch when you get them Of course some won't please you- that's called normal Please overlook detractors and let them stew in their bitterness :ninja: Now back to your post. I always say to tread carefully In this case tread extra carefully. But if you think it's where you want to go, then go there- even if she has a child. The mere fact that she's become a parent doesn't stop a woman's kinks and it shouldn't stop yours either It does make long-term bondage and exhibitionism a bit of a problem though As to others thinking of women as something less if you weren't first- One day you'll be 53 too, and like me you'll realize that you're not going to be the first ever again either- so it doesn't matter now does it? The bottom line (as always) is that things might not go the way you want so be ready for anything just in case

I do hope it goes well for you

Bettypooh

[tris]

M90, I wasn't trying to trash you at all, I'm sorry if it came across that way. I thought of my response more in the way of looking out for a homey - women have the innate ability to become decepticons in all kinds of ways that, as men, we cannot see or even begin to comprehend. Despite their beauty and compassion, their potential for evil is greater than ours. I think homos have the drop on us all. *giggle*

I think having your therapist there for the moment is a wise idea, but it can also provoke some Springer-like action when you're using them as a mediator for a confession of sorts. And no matter who it is, it sucks to have someone else present when you get your heart broken, or you're humiliated by someone for whom you have feelings.

Really though, good luck. It's such a freeing experience when you can really open up and tell someone about what goes on inside your head.

No hard feelings.

[curiositykilledthecat]

If you honestly think infantilism is a detriment to your life than stop it. Don't say you can't. i suppressed it for some 20 odd years before figuring out it wasn't absurd.

[M 90]

Right on tris. Yeah I guess I got a little sensetive there. yeah no hard feelings and thanx for the heads up. Yes, women can be extremely deceiving, my ex-wife is a perfect example. She was very accepting of my infantilism in the beginning and then out of no where it just turned on her and she became a fucking bitch over the deal. Of course I didn't help any by pushing the issue on her constantly, my infantilism alone didn't cause the marriage to end we had our classic relationship issues but I am just glad I bailed on her when I did. I was definitely selling myself short. My current girlfriend is a perfect example of what is possible for me. Just trying to prepare for the one thing that could very possibly start the downward spiral going in our relationship. But we will see.

[Little Faerie]

Those of you who choose to date and/or become involved with people who already have children are morons. Do you really think that because they have a real child that they're totally into baby? If they're anything close to being a good parent, the needs of their child will come first, and I can guarantee you that they're not going to want to perform double diaper duty just because one of you gets a hard on during the process.

You know why your parents wanted you out of the house? Because children significantly hamper your ability to have a normal sexlife, let alone one like ours. Kids grow up, and kids are nosy, and sooner or later, they will find out what you're up to, and whether you tell 'em or not, they're gonna go talk about it to everyone that you'd rather they didn't tell -- including people who can and may further investigate on the welfare of the child.

Fellas, do yourselves a favor and:

STAY AWAY FROM WOMEN WITH CHILDREN -- If they're available to be dating, they've got enough problems already!

Clearly she's not with the father -- okay, that's great -- But unless he's doing life in prison, he's not going to be entirely out of the picture, no matter what she may say. And if this is the case, again, I say walk away because clearly she has shitty taste in men. (Ugh, what's that say about YOU?) It also says she puts out on the first date. Again, a bad omen.

Tris, I'm usually a very nice person, but I'm going to be blunt with you. You're talking like a prick. So, single women with kids shouldn't get a chance to have a normal life with a partner? Because we had kids we're worthless?

I don't put out on the first date. Or the second.

When I met my ex-husband, he was wonderful to me. After we had a child, he became verbally and mentally abusive, then kicked me out for someone else. He got her pregnant too, then kicked her out when their son was 2 months old. Is that my fault? Because my ex-husband turned into a mean, selfish deadbeat dad who won't bother taking care of his own children, that makes me a bad, undateable person? I THINK NOT!

Life as a single mom really sucks, especially when you had planned to stay married the rest of your life, then you get suddenly thrust out into the world alone to fend for yourself and take care of a child too, and deal with considerable hardship to try and get back on your feet AND having to find a new life partner. If anything, that's all the MORE reason one should give a woman with a child a chance, because she'll be more loving and grateful for whatever you contribute to the relationship, and no I don't mean supporting her financially either.

Thank goodness I found a good man who not only loves me for everything I am, but loves my daughter too and treats her as his own. Even though we have a child, we still have a normal healthy sex life, and it's really not that hard to hide private sexual objects... that's what a locked drawer is for.

I don't know what your damage is, but not all women are evil, conniving bitches whose sole intent is to screw men over. Some of us are actually really nice and caring, and through giving people the benefit of the doubt often get metaphorically shat on. That doesn't mean we have bad taste.

Lighten up a bit eh?

[sarah_ab]

me thinks tris needs to get laid, and stop generalizing because a select few women burned him...

people seem to forget sometimes, they are lied to because the person doing hte lying knows what the reaction will be if they tell the truth, and sometimes people are lied to because the person doing the lying realizes the other person is such a dickhead, they just don't really even deserve the time of the day, let alone the truth.

a friend of mine started dating a girl he went to high school with, she had a 6 month old son when they started dating, the little boy is now 2 1/2 and their beautiful baby girl is going on 6 months.

perhaps a man does not want to be with a woman who has children, because the man is still to damned selfish to realize he is NOT the center of the universe.

[curiositykilledthecat]

I've been hurt by more people than I can count, doesn't mean I stop trying.